"Settling" in a relationship

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this as a few people in real life know my username.
I wanted to start a discussion on the notion of “settling” in a relationship and peoples’ experience of this.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, due to my own circumstances. I’m recently out of a long-term relationship. My boyfriend of 3 years ended things and while this was extremely upsetting for me, as well as now facing the daunting prospect of single life in my 30’s, I know this was for the best.
This is because, if I’m honest, I was never 100% sure of our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy with him, but deep down, I always had a niggling doubt that maybe he wasn’t the right man for me. That maybe there was someone else out there I would love more. The sad thing is that I didn’t listen to those doubts. Turned out, he recently developed the same kind of doubts but the difference was, he had the guts to end things.
Upon reflection, I have decided that I will never again settle in a relationship. I would love the whole marriage/kids thing but only with someone I am 100% sure about. But then I got to thinking, how common is it for people to settle for less than they want and deserve. Obviously the whole ticking of the biological clock may have a huge part to play in this.

So have you ever settled in a relationship? Or how common do you think this is? Or is it possible to ever really be 100% certain about a relationship (I’m really hoping for affirmation of this)?

Sauve

I think it's very common OP, and I could have written your post myself!

As time goes by you'll realise that life is better on your own that with the wrong person. Know what you need, what you want, and what you deserve. To accept (or give) any less than that in a relationship kinda negates the whole point of being in one to start with imo

Someone once said to me that by letting go of things that do you no good, you're making space for the good things to come to you.

raze_them_all_

Personally I think a lot of people just settle because they are at a certain age and not because they found "the one" if that even exists.
Don't worry about it op, better to be happy alone than be miserable married/with a family

lazygal

I think the concept of 'the one' can be overrated. I don't think I settled and I know my husband didn't! But there's probably lots of people we would have been suited to if we'd kept looking. I think some people think the one is out there and they have to find them or end up alone, rather than finding someone they are compatible with and working on the relationship.
I did find when I was with the right person things were really easy. And any issues we had were resolved relatively painlessly. I couldn't imagine parenting with someone I was ambivalent about, for example. While having children brings stress to any relationship, the fact we were able to work through things and come out the other side made life much easier.

Dial Hard

lazygal wrote: »

I think the concept of 'the one' can be overrated. I don't think I settled and I know my husband didn't! But there's probably lots of people we would have been suited to if we'd kept looking. I think some people think the one is out there and they have to find them or end up alone, rather than finding someone they are compatible with and working on the relationship.

I agree that the concept of "the one" is overrated. But there's a huge difference between not seeing the woods for the trees & overlooking a good thing because you're convinced the next person might be a better bet, and settling for someone you know in your heart of hearts you're not really that into just because it's easier than breaking up. I think that's what the OP was getting at.


Anyway, OP, for what it's worth, I think a HUGE number of people stay with the wrong person for a number of reasons, most of which boil down to complacency, habit or fear. I know loads of couples who got married just because they'd been together so long, it was expected of them. So, honestly, I have a lot of respect for your ex for having the guts to end it; he's saved both of you a lot of wasted time. I think you already know that, though, hence your post.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for your responses.

Dial Hard wrote: »

I agree that the concept of "the one" is overrated. But there's a huge difference between not seeing the woods for the trees & overlooking a good thing because you're convinced the next person might be a better bet, and settling for someone you know in your heart of hearts you're not really that into just because it's easier than breaking up. I think that's what the OP was getting at.

This exactly. I don't believe in "the one", but I now also don't believe in staying in a relationship that you have doubts about out of fear of being single.

Over the past couple of years a number of friends and acquaintances of mine have come out of long term relationships where marriage was likely on the cards. Every single one of them, despite being the dumpee and not the dumper, have (eventually) said that breaking up was for the best, that all wasn't rosy in the relationship, that they didn't have much in common with their OH or something along those lines. Now it may be a case of hindsight being a wonderful thing or maybe they themselves would have ended things eventually, but it seems to me that they were willing to go along with the relationship despite not being happy. Which goes back to one of my original questions about how common this is.

I'm guessing it's really common, which is a really sad notion to me.

CaraMay

I don't see how it's settling if you are staying with someone you love. Ok, you think you could love someone else more but how do you compare feelings at different times? I think 'the one' is a modern concept which has left women (and men) walking away from perfectly good relationships in order to find a bigger and better and more dramatic love.

I'm not saying to stay in a bad relationship but be realistic. I know girls who left a guy they really loved but who didn't tick all the boxes, as there may be a better 'one' out there. They typically ended up settling for sure about 5 years later.

You only live once do you really want to spent your life with someone who doesn't make your soul light up just to be in a relationship.

My daughter of 30 broke it off with her bf early this year after being together 5 years and heading for marriage it took a lot of courage for her to do this, however the amount of friends who said, well you are brave heading in to your thirties single!!! my sister her aunt was on of the woman said this to her.( my daughter got slightly annoyed at that point ) The thing is these are highly successful woman, educated great careers every thing going on for them yet its a big deal to be single in your thirties.

Starokan

Lots of people settle. Staying in a relationship can become a habit like any other, particularly when there is nothing overtly wrong with the person you are with.

It becomes a question of what you personally want from life , if being in a vibrant relationship is important to you and then you must move on. If simply having more of a companionship rather than a relationship fills your needs then stay as you are.

eviltwin

You have to be happy don't you. I agree with Lazygal, I don't believe in The One and I think we all have to make compromises in a relationship. Some people might think that is settling but its just the nature of a LTR. There are things about my partner that drive me mad but overall he is perfect for me, I'm sure he feels the same. If you're partner isn't making you happy though you owe it to yourself and them to end it.

BumblebeeGirl

What happens if you think your partner is perfect but you are not sexually attracted to them...to settle or not?

CaraMay

BumblebeeGirl wrote: »

What happens if you think your partner is perfect but you are not sexually attracted to them...to settle or not?

Definitely not. It's not fair for either of you.

BumblebeeGirl

BumblebeeGirl wrote: »

What happens if you think your partner is perfect but you are not sexually attracted to them...to settle or not?

That would be an absolutely dreadful thing to do to your self and to them if you stayed in the relationship.

BumblebeeGirl

Oh I know. Our relationship ended 18 months ago. I know afew people who have stayed in a relationship regardless of sexual attraction. It is a form of settling.

meeeeh

When you have kids or mortgage there is a bit more than couple of weeks needed to decide to leave.

There are various ways of settling. I'm settled in my relationship because I am comfortable, I trust and love my partner and he is the one I see my future with. Is there the same passion present as at the beginning of relationship? No it is replaced by something a lot more stable. But there is also being stuck in a rut type of settling that is not good for anyone.

seenitall

BumblebeeGirl wrote: »

Oh I know. Our relationship ended 18 months ago. I know afew people who have stayed in a relationship regardless of sexual attraction. It is a form of settling.

Yes, this happens, and it is always a complete puzzler and a mystery to me.

I know a girl through a mutual friend, a very very pretty girl, face, body, everything. Also, a nice and pleasant girl to talk to. She has a husband and two kids. One evening after a night out and she went home, this mutual friend turns to me and says: "You know, it's funny, but X doesn't fancy her husband..." (I know, I know, gossiping - it's bad ). But yes, she seems to have confided to that effect. She just settled for her husband because he is a dependable kind of guy and a good father.

The one thing I don't understand is, why she felt she had to settle in the first place, when it seems to me she had everything going for her. I think the answer is, different people really do have completely different priorities and are able to make trade-offs like this in life, and are able to live with it.

I never could. I have tried a couple of times in my life to settle for something that didn't quite feel right, and it always ended in misery - or at least it ended quickly.

Until I met my current bf, I was 5 years single, and if I hadn't met him, I would probably still be single, for 5 more years, 10 more years, who knows, for as long as it took to meet someone who'd really float my boat the way he does (for example). This is just something I need from a relationship. I need to feel really attracted to the guy, to really have that in-love feeling once we start off. That famous spark. If it's not there, I don't care about the goodness of his heart, his parenting abilities, his intelligence, wit, looks, prowess in bed, his kindness or his financial stability - he can have all that and more, but if we don't "click", if we're not on the same wavelength - it's going to feel wrong.

(Just to make myself clear, I'm not talking about the stages of getting to know a person, either prior to or during a relationship. That's a different matter altogether and things can come to a screeching halt anyway, if too many differences and incompatibilities are discovered, for sure. I am talking about attraction as the essential building block to starting off getting to know someone, or rather, to wanting to get to know them with a view to something more, at all.)

Funny, I just remembered, the girl X from my story above, once asked me: "How did that happen to you?" meaning (corroborated with her sorrowful and compassionate facial expression at that moment) "How in the heck did you find yourself a single mother, you poor thing?" (nothing worse than being a single mother, obviously ). I answered vaguely, as I was a bit taken aback by the question, but what I should have answered, of course, is: "Unlike you, I took a gamble on my choice of husband; and I lost" - it's completely true, and I'm not proud of it, but that's me.

BumblebeeGirl

I was attracted to him for the 5 years we were together. And then one day I woke up and the attraction was gone. I know passion fizzles in long term relationships but it wasn't like that. Breaks my heart thinking about it to be honest! Has anyone experienced this?

shalalala

I have been thinking about this the last few months. For me, it is when do the compromises become settling?

Every potential partner or partner will have their flaws and their differing opinions, that you just accept because you want them or they are kind or loving. But when do you compromise on what your perfect partner will be so much that you are in fact settling?

I have been guilty of this definitely. And now you wonder if there is a reason for that checklist in your head.

lazygal

shalalala wrote: »

I have been thinking about this the last few months. For me, it is when do the compromises become settling?

Every potential partner or partner will have their flaws and their differing opinions, that you just accept because you want them or they are kind or loving. But when do you compromise on what your perfect partner will be so much that you are in fact settling?

I have been guilty of this definitely. And now you wonder if there is a reason for that checklist in your head.

This is all very vague, but I did just 'know' my now husband was right for me not long after we started going out, and he has said the same. It wasn't a case of violins and Disney's 'my prince has come', it was that I had found someone who was easy to be around, who I was compatible with and fell in love with and who wanted the same things from life I did. We got engaged and married within a relatively short space of time because we knew there was no point waiting.
I have seen that those who get into long term serious relationships when they are younger (for me that's aged about 18-24) seem to have more doubts about whether they're with the right person after a few years that those who met when they were a bit older and didn't go out for years before getting married or moving in together. I know one friend of mine regrets having had a very serious relationship all the way through college and many doubts over whether he was right for her.

shalalala

Sorry for being vague. Writing on a phone never helps!

I have been in love twice. Both relationships had their downfalls and their plus points. My first, he was not adventurous, he didn't like trying new things and travelling. I stayed in it and "compromised" what I wanted from our relationship in order for us to be together.

The second was all kinds of wrong I loved him, we lived together and everything. I honestly thought that we were right for each other. Opposites attract and all that. I mean, when we moved in together, we both had different ideas of cleanliness. Mine would be at a higher level then his and in the end we met somewhere in the middle and when I got sick and he didn't help out, it started being more at his level. This is obviously not the major part of the problems but just an example. I believe that many compromises you make in every day workings of a relationship can sometimes lead to settling. When is enough enough?

There is a list of things in every womans head I think of things that they want in a potential partner. When people meet and fall in love, many times these lists fall on the wayside and we just accept things about them and this leads to settling even subconsciously. I hope this makes more sense.

fits

Anyone follow the school of life channel on youtube?

This one is relevant

lazygal

Sorry, I meant I was being vague!! I understood you completely.

berrygood

meeeeh wrote: »

When you have kids or mortgage there is a bit more than couple of weeks needed to decide to leave.

There are various ways of settling. I'm settled in my relationship because I am comfortable, I trust and love my partner and he is the one I see my future with. Is there the same passion present as at the beginning of relationship? No it is replaced by something a lot more stable. But there is also being stuck in a rut type of settling that is not good for anyone.

See, I wouldn't think the bit in bold is settling. What you've described is a relationship. Settling to my mind is where you stay with someone who doesn't truly make you happy, who you don't really love, and picturing the rest of your life with them leaves you feeling a bit grim.

I think people settle for various reasons, none of which, to my mind, are good enough. Especially if you decide to make it legal. I don't understand people who would shackle themselves (financially) to someone they are apathetic towards.

My version of the one is someone I could see myself growing old with and being truly happy with. Not this magical fairytale where we are destined to meet no matter what and he's the only man meant for me. Real life and real love is not the stuff of Hollywood. Likewise, it doesn't have to take the opposite extreme where you sign your life away to someone who is better suited to another person.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, life is too god damn short to spend it in a relationship that's the equivalent of watching paint dry. Happiness does not have to be elusive!

meeeeh

The thing is there is always an element of settling, it is just whether you are unhappy doing it. And frankly sometimes it is hard to distinguish if somebody is settling for wrong or right reasons.

lazygal

meeeeh wrote: »

The thing is there is always an element of settling, it is just whether you are unhappy doing it. And frankly sometimes it is hard to distinguish if somebody is settling for wrong or right reasons.

And some people are happy to settle, and what harm if they are happy or get what they want out of the relationship. Or maybe outsiders see it as settling, but they don't. Every relationship is different. I couldn't imagine settling down with any of my friends' husbands.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I was in a four year relationship with a man I was mad about and could see a potentially very long future with. He dumped me very unceremoniously last September and I was devastated.

But, looking back, I'm so glad he ended it. I was very in love with him, very attracted to him and in a lot of ways we were very compatible, but we just were not right for each other. His heart wasn't in the relationship anymore, we'd gotten together and gotten serious very quickly (met at 20, moved in together within the year) and we'd both grown up so much over four years that we just couldn't make each other happy any more, but I cared about him so much and to be honest had been with him so long that I was blind to how bad things had gotten. This time last year I would have crawled over broken glass to get a hug and a kind word from him, and now I wouldn't get back with him if you paid me.

When he broke it off, I kind of went "well, that's it for me". Not that I was thinking that there's only one person out there for everyone and I'd lost mine, just that I was not willing to ever put myself in a position where there was the potential for me to get hurt like that again. I had a couple of casual relationships during the following months and I consciously selected people who I got along with, had things in common with, and was reasonably attracted to. I was lonely as hell and I was looking for a relationship, but avoiding the possibility of falling in love, basically I was actively trying to settle. Obviously I wasn't thinking particularly clearly at the time :P I copped myself on after a while and decided to just be on my own and get my shít together.

I remember at the beginning of August or thereabouts I was hanging out with my housemate and friend and I went into the kitchen to get tea. I was laughing away to myself at something one of the girls had said and I just thought "Jesus, I feel very strange. What is this?". I actually literally had to stop and think about it for a few seconds before I realised: I was happy. I hadn't been happy in a very long time, not just in the months since the break-up but for quite a while before that. It was only then that I could look at the relationship clearly; I thought of some of the shít I'd put up with and couldn't believe I'd accepted it, equally I looked at some of my behaviour towards him and was thoroughly ashamed of myself.

I still care about him, I'm grateful for the very many happy memories I have of the relationship and I hope that we can manage to be friends. We're both decent, reasonable people but we turned into petty, vindictive maniacs in a relationship with each other. I think we were each attracted to the best in each other and then through whatever quirks of post-adolescent psychology ended up bringing out the worst in each other.

I'd always thought of settling as settling for practical reasons, as settling for someone who you're not crazy and passionate about from loneliness or the sake of your children, for money, for convenience, whatever. But I know better now. Two people can be in love and make each other's lives hell, if you're not happy, you're settling, no matter how many butterflies in the stomach you get when you see them. You're better off alone, but that's very difficult to see when you're in the middle of it.

SusieBlue

I don't believe in "The One", but several "Ones". I think there are several people out there that we each are compatible with, some more so than others.

I'm also recently out of a very serious longterm relationship and am in my early 20's, and while I don't believe he was the only man who will ever make me happy, I believe he was one of my soulmates, but at this time in our lives, we aren't compatible enough to be happy with each other.

Sometimes you can be compatible with someone for a period of time, whether it be several months, years, or decades, and you can make each other happy and have a good relationship.. It goes back to the notion that some people are only meant to be in your life for a specific period of time, whether it be to teach a lesson or fill a gap. Some people can be soulmates but not compatible for a future together.

I hope this makes sense

After a lot of thinking I believe my ex boyfriend was one of my soulmates, we made each other very happy for a long time but we've outgrown each other. He was my first love, and maybe that's all he was ever meant to be. I could have settled, and stayed with him anyway in an imperfect relationship. I'm sure we would have plodded along without any huge issues.

But it wouldn't have been that deep, passionate, unquestionable, almost raw love we felt for each other for the first few years and neither of us were happy to settle for that. Why be with someone your just tolerating when you could be with someone who lights up your sky?

Settling isn't the worst thing a girl can do. But I do believe that there is someone out there for each of us that is absolutely perfect for us in every single way. At least I keep telling myself that.

Wompa1

Not sure about this. I also don't believe in 'The One'. But not sure about the definition of settling. I've heard of people who think unless you're always going out, going traveling and keeping things spiced up that you're settling. Frankly, I don't think I can keep up the 'courting' phase for the rest of my life. I'll be broke and dead from exhaustion.

As I get older, I look more and more for a woman I'd actually be friends with if we weren't together. Someone that's not a drain on me, someone who isn't just out for themselves in every situation. Somebody who will support me in life. Somebody who I feel is a suitable 'partner' in life.

There's no point being in a relationship with somebody you're crazy about if they don't help you realize the life that you want.

That's my 2 cents as somebody with many failed relationships, heartbreak and everything in between

CathyMoran

I did not settle for a particular relationship but it did take me a few years to grow up enough to realise what I really wanted which was my long term on/off partner - thankfully we never fully broke off contact during breaks and when I got that eureka moment, like the one that I got when we first met we married within a short space of time (I was very ill when we married but that made me grow up). We are married over 7 years now after first meeting over 19 years ago and it was 17 years last Sunday since our first date. The song 'If she knew what she wants' by the Bangles really applied to me. I am very happy with him and we have two much wanted young children at this stage.

shalalala

shalalala wrote: »

Sorry for being vague. Writing on a phone never helps!

I have been in love twice. Both relationships had their downfalls and their plus points. My first, he was not adventurous, he didn't like trying new things and travelling. I stayed in it and "compromised" what I wanted from our relationship in order for us to be together.

The second was all kinds of wrong I loved him, we lived together and everything. I honestly thought that we were right for each other. Opposites attract and all that. I mean, when we moved in together, we both had different ideas of cleanliness. Mine would be at a higher level then his and in the end we met somewhere in the middle and when I got sick and he didn't help out, it started being more at his level. This is obviously not the major part of the problems but just an example. I believe that many compromises you make in every day workings of a relationship can sometimes lead to settling. When is enough enough?

There is a list of things in every womans head I think of things that they want in a potential partner. When people meet and fall in love, many times these lists fall on the wayside and we just accept things about them and this leads to settling even subconsciously. I hope this makes more sense.

I think that is a very important point and it showes up the different between being in a relationship when you are young and have little life experience verses being in a relationship when you are older and have seen a bit of life.

Attitude to house work or say finances that are different to what you think is acceptable maybe don't matter in isolation, however they are often an indication of certain personality traits such as laziness or selfishness.

Life often is not a bed of roses and fundamentally you want a partner who is your rock no matter what the situation.

LegacyUser

Settler wrote: »

Going unreg for this as a few people in real life know my username.
I wanted to start a discussion on the notion of “settling” in a relationship and peoples’ experience of this.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, due to my own circumstances. I’m recently out of a long-term relationship. My boyfriend of 3 years ended things and while this was extremely upsetting for me, as well as now facing the daunting prospect of single life in my 30’s, I know this was for the best.
This is because, if I’m honest, I was never 100% sure of our relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy with him, but deep down, I always had a niggling doubt that maybe he wasn’t the right man for me. That maybe there was someone else out there I would love more. The sad thing is that I didn’t listen to those doubts. Turned out, he recently developed the same kind of doubts but the difference was, he had the guts to end things.
Upon reflection, I have decided that I will never again settle in a relationship. I would love the whole marriage/kids thing but only with someone I am 100% sure about. But then I got to thinking, how common is it for people to settle for less than they want and deserve. Obviously the whole ticking of the biological clock may have a huge part to play in this.

So have you ever settled in a relationship? Or how common do you think this is? Or is it possible to ever really be 100% certain about a relationship (I’m really hoping for affirmation of this)?

OP I could have written your exact post 3 years ago.
I was in a 'great' relationship, we got on very well but I had doubts. And didnt listen to them. Then like a bolt out of the blue he broke up with me. (If I'm to be totally honest I never thought he would, because I underneath it all thought he was the lucky one in the relationship )
Anyhow, it happened, I was 34, single, and shocked. But he actually did me a big favor, as I realised I would never have the guts to end a relationship as 'good' as that. We were good together, but I would have been miserable in the long term.

So 3 years later I'm in the best relationship I could imagine. I'm engaged to be married next year, and I am with a man who I believe is my sole mate. ( I would have guffed at this term 3 years ago.)
I decided when I was single that I wouldn't settle again. I was hard, I'm not going to lie. There we times I faultered and begged ex to take me back , there we times I was so unbearably lonely, but I painted on a smile, and went out, and mixed with people. The loneliest time was at the end of a night out going home on my own. I would cry myself to sleep.

BUT...Good things happen. I met the man of my dreams. I could never have believed I would be this happy. Get out there and let good things happen to you!! Lean on your friends, thats what they are there for.

SoSheSaid

mariaalice wrote: »

Life often is not a bed of roses and fundamentally you want a partner who is your rock no matter what the situation.

This is so so important. I've had some intensely passionate relationships/short term things where the flame burned out as quickly as it started. And during them, I was convinced that each guy was 'perfect', I almost put them on pedestals and ignored their faults. Those things never lasted, because you can't do that forever. I mean, I was so convinced that 'love was all that mattered' that I stayed with one guy for over a year despite dealing with some extremely challenging issues on his end that took a huge emotional toll on me. But I stayed because 'I loved him'. The thing is though, sometimes no matter how much you love a person, you can still be settling in every other way. Before meeting my current OH, I'd just come out of another very chaotic and emotionally draining relationship where the extreme highs made the lows feel worth it. But they weren't. They never are.

My current relationship is the only one where I can say my OH truly is my rock. I know can completely rely on him and vice versa. For example I'm pretty ill at the moment and he's been going around taking care of things for me til I'm well, despite being having a bit of a cold himself. It's made me realise that relationships aren't just about that mind blowing passion in the first few weeks, I mean of course you want to maintain that attraction but there are other things that matter just as much, like mutual kindness, respect and security. It's a long time since I've felt 'at home' anywhere, but now no matter what happens in my day I know that at the end of it I can come home to him, wherever we are.

pwurple

neversettlefornotperfect wrote: »

and I am with a man who I believe is my sole mate. ( I would have guffed at this term 3 years ago.)

Well, it's dolphinitely good you didn't flounder when you met him.

I thought it was a good way of putting it - he's her only mate

pwurple

bluewolf wrote: »

I thought it was a good way of putting it - he's her only mate

Could have gone for the shoe one as well... finding one that fits!

It's all good!

LegacyUser

neversettlefornotperfect wrote: »

OP I could have written your exact post 3 years ago.
I was in a 'great' relationship, we got on very well but I had doubts. And didnt listen to them. Then like a bolt out of the blue he broke up with me. (If I'm to be totally honest I never thought he would, because I underneath it all thought he was the lucky one in the relationship )
Anyhow, it happened, I was 34, single, and shocked. But he actually did me a big favor, as I realised I would never have the guts to end a relationship as 'good' as that. We were good together, but I would have been miserable in the long term.

So 3 years later I'm in the best relationship I could imagine. I'm engaged to be married next year, and I am with a man who I believe is my sole mate. ( I would have guffed at this term 3 years ago.)
I decided when I was single that I wouldn't settle again. I was hard, I'm not going to lie. There we times I faultered and begged ex to take me back , there we times I was so unbearably lonely, but I painted on a smile, and went out, and mixed with people. The loneliest time was at the end of a night out going home on my own. I would cry myself to sleep.

BUT...Good things happen. I met the man of my dreams. I could never have believed I would be this happy. Get out there and let good things happen to you!! Lean on your friends, thats what they are there for.

Much of your post sounds very familiar. I'm delighted that things worked out for you though:-)

strobe

Humans are flawed, imperfect creatures. It's a big part of what makes us so very interesting.

I think if you are of the feeling that you wouldn't swap the person you're with, human imperfections and all, for anyone else in the world, then how could it be settling?

I don't think that means you have to love every tiny detail of a person, from the fact that they snore to the way the take forever to get ready for a night out and leave everything in the bathroom soaking wet, it just means that even with those things in play they're the person you want to be in a relationship with most in the world.

They're my thoughts on it I think.

Dial Hard

lazygal wrote: »

And some people are happy to settle, and what harm if they are happy or get what they want out of the relationship. Or maybe outsiders see it as settling, but they don't. Every relationship is different. I couldn't imagine settling down with any of my friends' husbands.

To me, there's a marked difference between settling and settling down. I think the OP was referring to the former but a lot of people are missing that.

lazygal

Dial Hard wrote: »

To me, there's a marked difference between settling and settling down. I think the OP was referring to the former but a lot of people are missing that.

Of course there is a difference. My point is that what an outsider see as settling might not be seen by the person who is doing the 'settling' as that. No one knows what anyone's relationship is like behind closed doors. I know of couples where people might think a very attractive woman 'settled' for a guy who wouldn't win any beauty contests, but that is not the case at all. Maybe some people think I settled when I settled down, but I know I didn't. Maybe other people are never 100% sure about whether settling down means they have to 'settle' for someone they aren't mad about.

Wompa1

lazygal wrote: »

Of course there is a difference. My point is that what an outsider see as settling might not be seen by the person who is doing the 'settling' as that. No one knows what anyone's relationship is like behind closed doors. I know of couples where people might think a very attractive woman 'settled' for a guy who wouldn't win any beauty contests, but that is not the case at all. Maybe some people think I settled when I settled down, but I know I didn't. Maybe other people are never 100% sure about whether settling down means they have to 'settle' for someone they aren't mad about.

Right and also, some people may think their partner should always want to go out and about and do the courting for the rest of their live long days...their idea of settling down, is having a family but still being held as this shiny golden god\godess at all times...so they don't want to settle with somebody that doesn't give them that. Which is unrealistic.

LegacyUser

I know people that settled in relationships because they wanted to get married/have children or did not want to be on there own.

A number of years ago one of my friends was engaged and a few weeks before the wedding he called it off. Over the previous few years I saw how she always put him first, did everything he wanted and how she supported him during college exams and his work.
She changed a few of her own long plans then which are still effecting her life today.
A few years later she met another man and they got married. This relationship was better from the start as they both wanted the same things but I know it has not always been easy between them.

I think that a some people expect that once they met the woman or man of there dreams that everything will be wonderful as it was in the early days but then real life kicks in.
I know woman and men who will put up with any type of bad behaviour to be in a relationship. Rather then realising things are not good and ending things they stay together in a bad relationship. It take courage to say things are not right and to end things but long term it is better if people do this.
I think long term to have a good relationship you need to agree or have similar ideas re money, marriage and if you both want children.

Faith

I've been in love twice, but with the same person, so I have a slightly unique perspective on this. The first time, I was 21 and as naive about relationships as it was possible to be. We lasted just under 2 years until he dumped me, much to my shock and dismay. I thought everything was great! But looking back, with hindsight and maturity, I can see that it wasn't a good relationship. We fought a lot. There was a lot of drama. Something was always irritating me. I was moody and he was distant. If we had stayed together, we certainly would have been settling for each other.

But about a year after we broke up, we started to see each other again. Very casually at first, nothing more than exes sleeping together. It gradually got more serious. While we were apart, we had both grown up a lot. The first 6 months or so of being back together were difficult, because we had to forge a whole new path and break bad habits and learn how to be a couple again. Once we both properly committed to each other, it was like a light flicked on. Suddenly it was easy. We rarely fight any more, and when we do, it's things that we need to argue about to resolve them. We're getting married next year and I don't for one second think either of us are settling.

So my perspective is that you can still settle with the right person, if the timing is wrong. If there are issues that are swept under the carpet, rather than being dealt with, that is a bad sign. No relationship is flawless - there's always going to be something that could be better. I think people do settle, out of fear, but I honestly think that that's the best recipe for unhappiness. Facing the issues and dealing with them head on - even if that means splitting up - is far better than pretending those issues aren't there.

asteroids over berlin

shalalala wrote: »

I have been thinking about this the last few months. For me, it is when do the compromises become settling?

Every potential partner or partner will have their flaws and their differing opinions, that you just accept because you want them or they are kind or loving. But when do you compromise on what your perfect partner will be so much that you are in fact settling?

I have been guilty of this definitely. And now you wonder if there is a reason for that checklist in your head.

you have no flaws then, no??

shalalala

asteroids over berlin wrote: »

you have no flaws then, no??

Wow, that was uncalled for! Of course I have flaws. Everyone does. The same could apply the other way around but I thought that would be clear. I actually don't know anyone that thinks they are perfect so therefore the other person could be settling for me.