Much older man.

Lau2976

I have been spending a considerable time with a man over double my age. We get along amazingly and I am really starting to like him. He recently asked me out on a date. I'm worried as I know my family and friends don't approve of our friendship already. As well as that he had two sons and a daughter, one who is about 3 years older then me and the other who is about my age. His daughter is about 5 years older then me.

I feel stupid for focussing on age but I've never dated someone with such a big age gap and I don't want to upset his family, as I know his daughter is upset that we've been spending time together, or my own family.

I'm not sure whether to accept or decline. I think it's worth the upset but they are his kids and I don't want him hurt, by me or his family, in the future because of this.

royalflush2003

Lau2976 wrote: »

I have been spending a considerable time with a man over double my age. We get along amazingly and I am really starting to like him. He recently asked me out on a date. I'm worried as I know my family and friends don't approve of our friendship already. As well as that he had two sons and a daughter, one who is about 3 years older then me and the other who is about my age. His daughter is about 5 years older then me.

I feel stupid for focussing on age but I've never dated someone with such a big age gap and I don't want to upset his family, as I know his daughter is upset that we've been spending time together, or my own family.

I'm not sure whether to accept or decline. I think it's worth the upset but they are his kids and I don't want him hurt, by me or his family, in the future because of this.

Go for it ! It's your life not there's

GalwayGirl26

My OHs father is going out with a girl the same age as OH.
At first, everybody was kind of taken aback, and we still joke about it, but at the end of the day they are happy together and that's all that matters.
It might cause tension/arguments to begin with, but if you are serious about it then people will come around.
I would advise keeping it very low key until you are sure though; no need for unnecessary drama.

You are adults, the kids are adults. It's not like you are tearing a family apart. If you can ignore the disdain of his kids, give it a go. You never know where and with who you might find happiness in this life.

Lau2976

Thank your for the kind words I've been reluctant to move our relationship beyond friends for a while now but j think it might be the right time.

I've tried to speak to one of my sisters about if but she just told me to leave it as we probably wouldn't be together in the long run.

I think I'm going to be selfish though and take that chance

CaraMay

Could you give us a rough idea of the ages? Is it 21 & 42, 31 & 62 or 41 & 82 as it all kind of depends on that how I advise you.

Do you want kids in your future? Would he want more?

SPOOL

Don't be surprised if his kids are against you. It may be that they are worried about their inheritance. Maybe they are afraid that there auld fella is acting silly with a "young one". I would say be prepared for some resentment. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that. My honest advice is if you are looking for short term excitement go ahead. If you are seeking long term committed relationship , nip it in the bud. There may be no future in it but maybe an exciting present . If u are happy about that then go ahead.

marizpan

Caraway is right.
What ages are we talking about? It does make a big different. Do you want casual fun or are you looking for children and marriage?
I have to ask as it's something I have noticed with large age gap relationships: is he a replacement father figure? What was you relationship like with your father?

Make sure your doing it for the right reasons. There tends to be an imbalance in these relationships due to the older person falling into the parenting role and the younger, into an adult child role. Be careful!
I mean your not talking about a mere ten year gap here if he is double your age!

Would you be embarrassed to walk through town, hand in hand? Would you bring him on nights out with friends and family without embarrassment ?
These are important questions

Best of luck

Matteroffact

I would not care about pleasing others but I would care about how this is going to fare out in the long term for you.

Just say you are 23 and this guy is 48 then in my opinion this is way too big a gap. You would have totally different expectations in a partner than this guy can offer you. Also, when you are 48 (still young) with most probably children of your own, he would be 98, if he is still around. So you would be left to cater to any children you may have on your own. If you are 30 and he is 62 then he is also at a much different stage of life than you are. You would still be starting out in life when he would be considered an OAP. There is nothing wrong with OAPs, and I am not saying there is, but do you want to be influenced by one when you are still only 30. I would not recommend starting a relationship with a man that much your senior.

skallywag

Each to their own OP, but expect a lot of flak I would imagine concerning the daughter being 5 years older than you, etc!

Lau2976

He's 52 and I'm 24.

I have a positive relationship with my father, he has always supported me and other then the usual fights that happen growing up our relationship has never been strained.

I completely understand why they would be worried. I would be worried too. I just hope that they don't put too much of tgat tension on their relationship.

I'm not sure what I want with him to be honest. I know I want to be with him. I would be happy with a casual short term fling or, right now, id be happy with a long term marriage situation. Like I said I really like him.

Kids aren't a major issue for me. I know I may change my mind in the future but I think I'm too selfish for kids. I'm not sure I would give up my career for kids but my career offers no real financial stability. And without financial stability I wouldn't have kids without financial stability.

I think I'm going to try it but I'll let the water settle first.

Shrap

It really is each to their own, and it's your life OP. However, I know a woman who's father hooked up with her friend from school when she was 19. It totally messed with her head, especially when they went on to have kids together (split up since and she's with a fella 10 yrs younger than herself now) and I have to admit that most people thought it was really scummy on his part. It destroyed his relationship with his daughter, who understandably in my view, couldn't get her head around it. I think you should be aware that his "kids" who are all in and around your age might take this very badly indeed.

Also, in my own experience of a relationship with an older man (14 yrs older), it became an issue for him that I got on so well with his son (14 yrs younger) due to being much closer to his generation's interests than his own father was. My friends also became a big no-no, as he wasn't interested in their lifestyles/interests/conversation, and I remember feeling quite out of place among his friends who were all so much more mature than me. These things had a major impact on our relationship and there was only 14 yrs difference in it. Be warned.

skallywag

Lau2976 wrote: »

He's 52 and I'm 24.

Wow, that is indeed quite a gap! Fair play if you give it a go OP, if you can bat away the subsequent flak then I'm sure you have a good chance of making it work. To be honest I think I would be possibly more concerned from his perspective than from your own ...

marizpan

My 2c

A couple of months ago I meet up with three friends and we got into chatting about this same subject.
We all had been in 'older man' relationships with the age gap ranging from 18-27 yrs.

We all found the same things:

We all cringed at how insane the age gap/relationships were.
We were all embarrassed by even the thought of these past relationships
All the relationships started off as casual fling, but changed within 6 mths
They all changed to:
Quickly moving in together
Wanting us to dress older and behave older
Scorning our youth
Discouraging our friendships with friends, we needed older friends
All started parenting us and making us the child
If we did something they didn't like , they blamed our youth and we felt shame of our youth.
They all wanted babies and very soon
They all told us that no body would love us like they would and that we would be wasted on young lads etc

By the end of our relationships, we all had low self esteem and realised that we were being controlled little by little.

The insanity of it now shocks me. So be very careful, put yourself first always and know what you want from a relationship.

Shrap

How interesting! ....and snap. Same here.

whiskeyman

OP - have you ever been in a relationship with a lad around your own age?
Have you always fancied older men?

Lau2976

His kids are the thing I'm most worried about. From my perspective this wouldn't really cost me a lot. My family aren't going to stop talking to me or abandon me but his might. And he says he isn't worried about that but I can tell he is and I don't want him to feel that to keep me happy he should sacrifice those relationships.

Those are also worrisome points Sharp and marzipan. I'm not overly worried about the friend situation. I'm an artist, I have friends much older then me, my own age and slightly younger all because of this. I find that when your painting with someone, or painting someone, a connection forms or it doesn't, regardless of age. Art also means you move around he same social circles a lot so I could be in a group full of 18 year olds one night and then a group of 60 year olds the next. It has helped me deal with this situation a lot I think.

But they are relevant points and the father/daughter relationship dynamic potential does terrify me a little, esp with his daughter being older then myself. I don't want another father I already have a perfectly good one! I hope discussing this would hopefully quelm that.

and sorry marzipan I hadn't answered your earlier comment! It wouldn't bother me in the slightest to walk through town hand in hand with him. In general I'm uncomfortable with PDA but it wouldn't bother me more that anybody else, of my age or any other. His age doesn't bother me in the slightest and it would make family nights much more bearable to have him there!

I have dated men my own age whiskeyman and TBH I have no complaints. It isn't a situation where I don't like men my own age or I want o be with an older man. I want to be with this man regardless of his age. I have dated slightly older men then myself (30 when I was 21) but again it wasn't about the age, it was about them.

I'm prepared to deal with the flak and the craic I know people will take out of the situation. If you spend all the time worrying about what people who you don't care about think of you you'd never do anything.

marizpan

There is a very good reason why people choose tried and proven paths.

People will disapprove of this relationship, it will make things difficult and there is a good reason of that.

Lau2976

marizpan wrote: »

There is a very good reason why people choose tried and proven paths.

People will disapprove of this relationship, it will make things difficult and there is a good reason of that.

Yeah I understand. It's a difficult situation and I don't think it's something that will be resolved in a day unfortunately.

P. Breathnach

Hang on a moment. At this point it's one date with a man you like (with the possibility that other might follw). That's no biggie.

Dates are for sussing one another out and exploring the possibility of a relationship developing. You have been given suggestions here that you seem willing to take on board. I presume that you are also listening to other people. So you are not going into this with your eyes closed.

Give things a chance, and don't lose sight of the risks.

Lau2976

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Hang on a moment. At this point it's one date with a man you like (with the possibility that other might follw). That's no biggie.

Dates are for sussing one another out and exploring the possibility of a relationship developing. You have been given suggestions here that you seem willing to take on board. I presume that you are also listening to other people. So you are not going into this with your eyes closed.

Give things a chance, and don't lose sight of the risks.

Your probably right I might be thinking about this too much! His family already don't like is spending so much time together. I shudder at the thoughts if what they'll think if the ever find out about this. Let's hope none are on boards!

CaraMay

I'm typically very 'live and let live' but I just can't get straight in my head why a 52 year old man would be interested in dating a 24 year old (other than the obvious). You sound like a fab girl op but there is something 'off' here.

skallywag

CaraMay wrote: »

I'm typically very 'live and let live' but I just can't get straight in my head why a 52 year old man would be interested in dating a 24 year old

You could also turn that question around the other way and it would still have merit.

CaraMay

skallywag wrote: »

You could also turn that question around the other way and it would still have merit.

Well I would be more interested in 'protecting' the 24 year old than the 52 year old.

strobe

marizpan wrote: »

My 2c

A couple of months ago I meet up with three friends and we got into chatting about this same subject.
We all had been in 'older man' relationships with the age gap ranging from 18-27 yrs.

We all found the same things:

We all cringed at how insane the age gap/relationships were.
We were all embarrassed by even the thought of these past relationships
All the relationships started off as casual fling, but changed within 6 mths
They all changed to:
Quickly moving in together
Wanting us to dress older and behave older
Scorning our youth
Discouraging our friendships with friends, we needed older friends
All started parenting us and making us the child
If we did something they didn't like , they blamed our youth and we felt shame of our youth.
They all wanted babies and very soon
They all told us that no body would love us like they would and that we would be wasted on young lads etc

By the end of our relationships, we all had low self esteem and realised that we were being controlled little by little.

The insanity of it now shocks me. So be very careful, put yourself first always and know what you want from a relationship.

Just for balance, I do know a couple where the man is 74, and the woman is 51. They got together when she was 19, two children and a scattering of grand kids, together 32 years now. I don't know them well but they seem very happy. So it can work out sometimes (although I'd say more often that not doesn't due to the extra obstacles).

Like someone else said OP. Right now you haven't even been on a date together or anything, so I'd say if you really like him, then go for it, but play it by ear.

strobe

CaraMay wrote: »

I'm typically very 'live and let live' but I just can't get straight in my head why a 52 year old man would be interested in dating a 24 year old (other than the obvious). You sound like a fab girl op but there is something 'off' here.

The same reasons a 24 year old man would be interested in a 24 year old girl? Sex, companionship, love, fun? The usual reasons guys and girls are interested in each other, I'd presume. Could be something else but they'd be the obvious things usually.

Addle

strobe wrote: »

Just for balance, I do know a couple where the man is 74, and the woman is 51. They got together when she was 19, two children and a scattering of grand kids, together 32 years now. I don't know them well but they seem very happy. So it can work out sometimes (although I'd say more often that not doesn't due to the extra obstacles).

Like someone else said OP. Right now you haven't even been on a date together or anything, so I'd say if you really like him, then go for it, but play it by ear.

I know a few women in relationships like that.
They ended up just being carers.

Lau2976

CaraMay wrote: »

I'm typically very 'live and let live' but I just can't get straight in my head why a 52 year old man would be interested in dating a 24 year old (other than the obvious). You sound like a fab girl op but there is something 'off' here.

I feel like I know him comfortably enough to say that I don't think it's about the sex. If that were the case he could have done that months ago TBH. And even if it were I feel like I would recognise it and walk away. If he's upfront and says that he just wants fun and think about it and decided for myself what I want. If he isn't I think I'm not so blinded that I wouldn't notice or wouldn't walk away if I wanted.

I can understand and my own sister did question me on that when I tried to speak to her about it. But I think for a lot of people it's less to do with age and ore to do with gender.

LegacyUser

Here's my take on it.

I think age is important..ie that you are both old enough to make the decision, and know what you are getting in to. Other than that it is not an issue.

My dad was single for a long time after my mum passed away.

I'm going out with a guy who is 12 years older than me, divorced, and has 2 teenage kids. We are getting married next year.

My dad met my H2B's sister (there is one year in the age difference) at a mutual friends wedding, and they ended up going out together.

I have to say other peoples reaction can be strange to our set up. For me, I'm very happy in my relationship, my dad and h2b's sister seem very happy too, and I'm very happy for them.

Things are only as strange as you let them me.

If you like him , go on a date with him. Who is to say how long it will last. But it could be something really good that you are ruling out because of others opinions.

strobe

Addle wrote: »

I know a few women in relationships like that.
They ended up just being carers.

That's a valid point. In the relationship I'm talking about the guy has a medical condition that is progressively getting worse, and while he isn't too bad now, over the next few years he won't be able to take care of himself. And while things like that can strike at any time in life, it is more common if you're older.

I think OP, while it is just early stages, you do have to keep one eye on the realities of such a big age difference if things did work out and this became a long term relationship. Such as the above. Or the fact that while most people can still be fairly youthful and spritely in their 50's, not so much in their 60's and 70's. A lot of people do age pretty dramatically in their 60's and onwards too. So, while you might fancy him now, and be fine about the age difference, are you likely to be at that stage when you're still only in your 30's and he's fast becoming a 70 year old man and all that entails? And if there will be a clash of life stages, most 50 year olds don't want to, or don't feel comfortable hitting nightclubs, just for a possible example off the top of my head. That kind of thing.

It can work, but there's lots of things to take into consideration.

P. Breathnach

Lau2976 wrote: »

... His family already don't like is spending so much time together. I shudder at the thoughts if what they'll think if the ever find out about this. Let's hope none are on boards!

I know that you wrote this as a light-hearted aside, but it might actually be good if they were on Boards and saw this thread. They would see that you are not being short-sighted or reckless.