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cheated on my bf..

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    #32
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    S31 wrote: »
    I completely understand what youre saying, its not that I want my cake and to eat it too its that I think it will be honest to tell the truth and that will hopefully also make him see that I did what I did because I feel like I'm not in this for the long haul anymore, not that its an excuse to cheat and I thought up to now I never would do anything like that but te fact that I did proves I'm not really in this LTR whole heartedly anymore. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense but yes my partner does deserve better.

    No no no you don't tell him. You are telling him for your own selfish reasons. If you tell him your heart isn't in it he will listen. You don't need to crush him to prove that point.

    You've been selfish by cheating on him and telling him wiuld be the most selfish thing you could do and most likely only doing it to clear your own conscience.


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    #33
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    CaraMay wrote: »
    No no no you don't tell him. You are telling him for your own selfish reasons. If you tell him your heart isn't in it he will listen. You don't need to crush him to prove that point.

    You've been selfish by cheating on him and telling him wiuld be the most selfish thing you could do and most likely only to clear your own conscience.

    Agreed. It would be highly selfish.


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    #34
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    I would also wait until after Christmas to break up, no point in spoiling Christmas at this late stage.


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    #35
    TonyStark
    Registered Users Posts: 851 ✭✭✭TonyStark


    S31 wrote: »
    I completely understand what youre saying, its not that I want my cake and to eat it too its that I think it will be honest to tell the truth and that will hopefully also make him see that I did what I did because I feel like I'm not in this for the long haul anymore, not that its an excuse to cheat and I thought up to now I never would do anything like that but te fact that I did proves I'm not really in this LTR whole heartedly anymore. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense but yes my partner does deserve better.

    You don't tell him. Telling him will crush him. The high risk part of this is that by telling him you get your marching orders and it no longer becomes your decision.

    What reasons would you have to stay with him?


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    #36
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Matteroffact wrote: »
    I would also wait until after Christmas to break up, no point in spoiling Christmas at this late stage.

    Could be better to do it soon so that he has a few weeks til Christmas and then around Christmas if he is with family etc it might help him. Its bad enough with the january blues but being dumped on top of that (after spending money on a present for your ex) I personally would prefer to be dumped before Christmas. But that depends on if he will have people around him at Christmas.


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    #37
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    I'm sure he'd prefer to be alone at Christmas than be with a cheat.

    He deserves the truth. Can't understand the people saying don't tell him.


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    #38
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    mada82 wrote: »
    I'm sure he'd prefer to be alone at Christmas than be with a cheat.

    He deserves the truth. Can't understand the people saying don't tell him.

    Why stab him twice?


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    #39
    Dellnum
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭Dellnum


    Staying with him until Christmas is over could also help you to see things more clearly. You would be around him a lot over Christmas. I definitely would not start a break up before Christmas, that is really cruel.


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    #40
    mada82
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭mada82


    He deserves the truth. At least he can write her off in his head for what she is.

    He won't be pining over her when he knows she cheated on him.

    The time of the year makes no difference I'm sure he wouldn't want to be with her knowing what she did/is willing to do again.


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    #41
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    mada82 wrote: »
    He deserves the truth. At least he can write her off in his head for what she is.

    He won't be pining over her when he knows she cheated on him.

    The time of the year makes no difference I'm sure he wouldn't want to be with her knowing what she did/is willing to do again.

    You have an overly simplistic view of things. An idyllic window on the world.

    I've been cheated on and you still pine for them, despite the hurt and anger. You still miss what you had before the incident. He is a human, not a machine with an off switch.


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    #42
    ronjo
    Registered Users Posts: 3,186 ✭✭✭ronjo


    Saipanne wrote: »
    You have an overly simplistic view of things. An idyllic window on the world.

    I've been cheated on and you still pine for them, despite the hurt and anger. You still miss what you had before the incident. He is a human, not a machine with an off switch.

    But at least if she tells him the truth he wont be wondering why she broke it off.


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    #43
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    ronjo wrote: »
    But at least if she tells him the truth he wont be wondering why she broke it off.

    At least that will be some consolation to his shattered self esteem. Good idea.


    If you read her posts, the relationship is clearly dead. This will hardly be a surprise. But the betrayal will be much harder to take. It will affect his self confidence. He will probably blame himself. He will find it difficult to trust future partners.

    But he will have the truth. Great.


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    #44
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Oh no you tell him now! He might meet someone new / nice over Xmas.


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    #45
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    I fully agree with those who are advising to tell him the truth. Speaking from my own perspective knowing what really happened would leave me best equipped to put this behind me and to move on. It would also give a clear answer to questions which otherwise may go unanswered, and leave me with no uncertainty whatsoever that I don't want this person in my life any more.

    OP, you should tell him now, do not leave it until after Christmas.


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    #46
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Saipanne wrote: »
    At least that will be some consolation to his shattered self esteem. Good idea.


    If you read her posts, the relationship is clearly dead. This will hardly be a surprise. But the betrayal will be much harder to take. It will affect his self confidence. He will probably blame himself. He will find it difficult to trust future partners.

    But he will have the truth. Great.

    Personally I think knowing they cheated would make it easier. Yeah you don't stop loving them because they cheated but you can find it easier to shut them out and move on when they've done something to anger you.
    Also he is still gonna have issues with future partners if she ends it with no concrete reason (growing apart or falling out of love can seem like a very vague reason to the person being dumped), if he feels he doesn't know the "real" reason that could fester and cause more insecurities than knowing all the details and knowing for sure that she wanted someone/something else.

    Not very good at articulating myself but hope that makes sense


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    #47
    Piglet85
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭Piglet85


    I have to say, I totally disagree with people saying don't tell him until after Christmas. Christmas is over four weeks away. What are you going to do, live a lie acting all cheery and lovey dovey over the Christmas season, visit family and see friends all the while pretending to be happy? That's even more cruel to your boyfriend than telling him now. Imagine how he'll feel if you tell him after Christmas and he thinks back to those weeks where he believed you were in love with him, and in fact you were counting down the days until you could get out of the relationship?!

    Look, it's going to hurt whenever you do it. If you put it off now, you'll keep finding excuses, and this will drag on and do damage to both of you. Christmas comes every year; one tough one is better than God knows how many more months of deception. He will be upset, of course, but he'll be upset no matter when you tell him, and it really is kinder to him to end it now. You don't love him enough.


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    #48
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    Tasden wrote: »
    Personally I think knowing they cheated would make it easier. Yeah you don't stop loving them because they cheated but you can find it easier to shut them out and move on when they've done something to anger you.
    Also he is still gonna have issues with future partners if she ends it with no concrete reason (growing apart or falling out of love can seem like a very vague reason to the person being dumped), if he feels he doesn't know the "real" reason that could fester and cause more insecurities than knowing all the details and knowing for sure that she wanted someone/something else.

    Not very good at articulating myself but hope that makes sense

    It does make sense, but I've had the unfortunate experience of both types of break ups. I'd much rather the non cheating one.


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    #49
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,987 ✭✭✭skallywag


    Saipanne wrote: »
    It does make sense, but I've had the unfortunate experience of both types of break ups. I'd much rather the non cheating one.

    I would actually be the opposite, i.e. the cheating would definitely help me draw a line under things and get going again, while I would be dithering and holding out for false hope if I did not know.


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    #50
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    skallywag wrote: »
    I would actually be the opposite, i.e. the cheating would definitely help me draw a line under things and get going again, while I would be dithering and holding out for false hope if I did not know.

    You'd think that. But eight years on, the taste is still bitter. I honestly wish I never knew.


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    #51
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Saipanne wrote: »
    It does make sense, but I've had the unfortunate experience of both types of break ups. I'd much rather the non cheating one.

    Same. Think it differs for everyone and imo truth is important.


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    #52
    Dellnum
    Registered Users Posts: 262 ✭✭Dellnum


    It is easy for people on this forum saying "tell him now", they don't have to endure all of this but just imagine you are looking forward to Christmas planning parties, buying presents, making arrangements and then BANG ......your other half tells you they want to break up with you........very bad timing and for the people who say it is better to know the truth, all of this can be revealed after Christmas, but not before, if you have any heart at all.


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    #53
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Dellnum wrote: »
    It is easy for people on this forum saying "tell him now", they don't have to endure all of this but just imagine you are looking forward to Christmas planning parties, buying presents, making arrangements and then BANG ......your other half tells you they want to break up with you........very bad timing and for the people who say it is better to know the truth, all of this can be revealed after Christmas, but not before, if you have any heart at all.

    Now imagine having done all those things, having spent a tonne on gifts, having turned down invites over the holidays with single friends in order to spend time with your OH, then BANG- it was all lies and now Christmas is over, nothing to look forward to, broke from buying gifts for someone who has been lying to you.

    If they end it now he has weeks to make new arrangements and can spend the holidays with people who love and care about him and he can get peace from that. And he saves himself a few bob in the process. I'd prefer to know now rather than after Christmas.


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    #54
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    This is all assuming the OP tells him at all. I think she's going to stay put because sorting the house and the pets is going to be messy. Not to mention her still caring for her boyfriend and not wanting to go there.

    I also think she's living with this in her head for so long she has justified it all for herself. She seems to think her boyfriend will just accept the cheating as a symptom of a relationship gone stale and see where things go from there. She doesn't seem to realize that telling him she cheated could make him see her in a completely different light. Someone capable of cheating. It could well destroy any trust he had and it'll destroy everything sooner or later. Some relationships survive cheating but most don't.


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    #55
    heretochat
    Registered Users Posts: 533 ✭✭✭heretochat


    I would definitely want to know before Christmas if it was me as well.

    Putting aside the expense involved, I think that there will be far more resentment towards the OP if she acts as if everything is hunky dory and then dumps him in the New Year. He will have been made a fool of in front of his family, her family, his friends, her friends.

    I don't know what measure of resilience the lad has but that would devastate many people.

    So my advice would be tell him now and tell him the whole truth. At least as others have said he can then spend Christmas with those who are genuinely caring towards him.


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    #56
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    Don't make any hasty decisions, you need time to think about this. You are not sure how you feel at the moment, so I would not do this before Christmas. You need to be sure before you say anything.


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    #57
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    OP you're the one who knows him best so its up to you- it's all well and good us giving you advise but we don't know your relationships dynamic. Do you think he'll walk if you tell him? Do you think you can live with the guilt of not telling him?

    I'd be in the camp of telling him after Christmas. But my opinion is solely on the basis that I dated a guy who didn't tell me and his guilt dragged the relationship down until finally we broke up. And even though I only found out about the cheating once I'd moved on with my lovely current boyfriend, it still hurt and tbh I was raging because I could've been spared the off behavior, the wondering, worrying and self-doubt about what was going on that occurred for the months that we stayed together after he did the nasty. But that's me- I prefer to know what's happening. My boyfriend would be in the same camp even though his past relationships ended with cheating.

    It all depends on your boyfriend. Only you know which option would hurt him more. You can't be selfish in this, you have to take the action that is best for him. Some people prefer omission of things/lying, others value honesty even if it hurts. Figure out which one he is.


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    #58
    Starokan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    Just let the chap go and do it as soon as you can, yes he will in all likelihood be devastated but like most people he will plough through and get over it eventually. I see no point in prolonging the agony for either of you. Based on what you have posted it's likely you will cheat again. Therefore it is extremely unfair and deceitful to stay with your current partner.

    Let him off to find someone who wants to be committed to him and likewise for you there is zero point in staying in a relationship that does not make you happy. Life is simply to short.


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