Parents not happy boyfriend has been married

LegacyUser

Hi

I've been going out withe an amazing guy since before the summer. We have so much fun and he treats me so well and I have never been happier. Early on he told me he was separated, and had a child. He got married young and this didnt work out.

I don't have an issue with this, however this weekend I told my parents who are from old rural Catholic Ireland about his past. They have threatened to turn their back on me if I keep seeing him, that it goes against their beliefs and the beliefs I was raised with and that I am committing adultry if I continue it. I have an older sibling who is married that is supporting my parents.

I feel so confused. .. I really feel that this guy is it... but I don't want to loose my family. I love him dearly and when I say I couldn't find a better match its true

Please help

Merkin

That's just awful, you poor thing. I didn't think people like your parents existed anymore. That's not to insult you but unless they are troglodytes, how can they hold such unrealistic and backward views and how can your sibling side with them like this?

He has been married before. It doesn't make him a bad person or an axe wielding paedophile and it certainly doesn't make you a bad person for falling in love with him. I'm not sure how you can get them on side but I will say don't ever put someone else's happiness before your own, defer to them at your peril. I would not throw away your own chance at happiness in order to placate their archaic expectations. Continue seeing him and hope in time that they will come to accept it but I certainly wouldn't forego your own chance at happiness for them.

LegacyUser

Have your parents actually met him in person?
What age are you both?
What's your siblings history re relationships/their marriage?
As regards your upbringing, are you in the habit of going to mass every Sunday& living the true Catholic life in all other respects?
Your bf is separated, is he in the process of getting a divorce or annulment?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I didn't think people like your parents existed anymore.

oh they do still exist!! I could safely say my parents, well certainly my mother are cut from a similar type of cloth. My own mother wasn't too happy with my sister who had a child out of "wedlock" as she put it, she took to the bed for a day or two when she heard that the father of said kid wasn't a Catholic!!... but they are still alive, and now adore their grandchild despite all their threats of never wanting to see my sister or her kid ever again!
So Op I would agree with Merkin, do not forfeit your happiness to suit your parents, imagine if he is the one and you break it off based on their backward beliefs, you could end up single lonely and bitter. They are not going to be around forever so you need to think of yourself and your future. The only reason you would end the relationship would be because of issues you are having between you and your other half not to suit your parents.

The Princess Bride

Sometimes people get married & live happily ever after.
Sometimes people get married & it doesn't work out & they separate.
They deserve a chance to be happy again.

I'm assuming that you're an adult, therefore, you don't need your parents' permission to do anything.
Enjoy your relationship, be happy- you deserve it!!!

LegacyUser

Hi

They have met him very briefly when they were visiting and they liked him. I'm 32 and hes 37, hes legally separated and is in the process of getting a divorce but there's another couple of years until it's finalised. I have felt hes the one from day one.

I would go to mass every so often, once every couple of months. This whole situation is causing me a lot of strain. My parents have said if I married him they would not attend as it would not be a Catholic ceremony

LegacyUser

What I mean by a couple of years is that they have not been separated the 4 years yet.

Re my sibling - she married a few years ago to a practising Catholic

LegacyUser

The days of doing what your parents want is gone when your in early 30's. They may not be happy that your partner was married before but he can't change his past to suit them.
He was honest with you at the start of your relationship, he treats you well and your happy with him.

If your parents start to give you any more abuse in regards to your relationship I would just say the following - if we get married I will expect you to be there but If you refuse to come I will tell everyone the reason why.
I would tell your sister also that since she is not happy about your relationship I am sure she will understand if you don't invite her to your wedding if you get married.

Don't give up your chance of being happy long term to suit your parents.

I watched a ex friend of mine doing everything her mother wanted for years. She got a job with x and got her degree at night. She lived at home where she could save more money to get married and buy/build a house with her husband. This woman is now in her early 40's, is still single and living at home with her elderly parents. She is lonely, bitter about how her life turned out and has lost contact with all her old friends. Her friends mean while left home, brought house, some of them are married with children and some are single but they are living there own independent lives.

CaraMay

So they would turn their backs on you or they just wouldn't go to the wedding? Two very different things.

Shrap

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Hi

They have met him very briefly when they were visiting and they liked him. I'm 32 and hes 37, hes legally separated and is in the process of getting a divorce but there's another couple of years until it's finalised. I have felt hes the one from day one.

I would go to mass every so often, once every couple of months. This whole situation is causing me a lot of strain. My parents have said if I married him they would not attend as it would not be a Catholic ceremony

So tell them you've no intention of marrying. "Live in sin", or whatever that dreadful term is.

OP, you and your parents belong to a religion that, as you know, some people adhere to the teachings (judgements) of and more people don't. I assume that you don't believe that you're going straight to hell for taking up with a separated man? Do your parents?

It did take me aback a little when you said you are 32. Are you waiting for them to arrange a marriage for you with a suitably pious man? No? Then get angry with their judgemental attempts to control you and face down their attitude. Properly angry, because it is outrageous that they are making it their business to stand in the way of your happiness.

I think it's time for you to shake off the blinkers there OP. You either stand up to them now, or let beliefs that you don't hold control your life. Take a grip on yourself, today, and tell them that you don't share their beliefs. Tell them to examine their own, or lose you.

skallywag

Merkin wrote: »

I didn't think people like your parents existed anymore

Might be true in 30-40 years from now, but there are certainly still plenty of older folk, particularly in rural areas, who would hold the same opinion.

This a tough one OP. It can be very difficult if not indeed impossible to change such opinions which have been formed over years. I would not hold your parents responsible either in any way, as it was surely a product of the way they themselves were brought up, that's just the way things were then in many cases.

The more they get to know him though the better I think the chances are of the situation improving. Sometimes it can just take a single example of him doing something which impresses them etc to initiate a softening of their stance.

Good luck!

CaraMay

I'm sure if a lot of parents are honest they would prefer that their daughter would meet someone with no 'history' and all that goes with it but most parent would have the manners not to say it.

Tbh I would find it hard to make a life with someone my parents don't like / wabg in their family but I expect I'll be in the minority.

You aren't with him very long. Is the pressure of your parents ultimatum going to cause issues in the relationship.

Shrap

CaraMay wrote: »

Tbh I would find it hard to make a life with someone my parents don't like / wabg in their family but I expect I'll be in the minority.

You aren't with him very long. Is the pressure of your parents ultimatum going to cause issues in the relationship.

Good points. I know I'm all gung-ho in my post above about telling the parents what for, but it really does come down to your post here CaraMay. I think the OP is very unfortunate that her biggest potential rebellion so far against her parent's narrow-mindedness is happening over someone she considers to be "the one" and they have thrown this ultimatum in her path. How awful.

It is a huge wake-up call for you OP. Did you hope to get through life without crossing (no pun intended) your parent's beliefs? They clearly hoped that for you. Most people find that their parents have to face up to their children having different opinions and lifestyles than they would be comfortable with, and you'd hope that your parents would be willing to adjust their stance in order to continue having a relationship with their daughter. This usually happens at a much earlier age for both parties.

Unless they adjust, you basically have two choices. Let them have their way and remain under the control of a judgemental religious belief (channelled by your parents), or explain to them that you disagree with their notions of adultery and sin and run the risk of being "disowned" for love. Horrible. I'm so sorry for you OP. It's truly a make or break decision for the rest of your life.

Hope you choose love, not judgement.

Koptain Liverpool

CaraMay wrote: »

Tbh I would find it hard to make a life with someone my parents don't like / wabg in their family but I expect I'll be in the minority.

You aren't with him very long. Is the pressure of your parents ultimatum going to cause issues in the relationship.

Yes you will. Most adults put their own happiness ahead of trying to please their parents. Especially when the parents are the ones behaving like children.

Teyla Emmagan

Go and talk to your parents' parish priest. Explain the situation to him and that your family are threatening to cut you off. Ask him to have a word with them. You will probably find he is more reasonable than they are!

Shrap

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Go and talk to your parents' parish priest. Explain the situation to him and that your family are threatening to cut you off. Ask him to have a word with them. You will probably find he is more reasonable than they are!

Brilliant, yes!!

ronjo

CaraMay wrote: »

I'm sure if a lot of parents are honest they would prefer that their daughter would meet someone with no 'history' and all that goes with it but most parent would have the manners not to say it.

Tbh I would find it hard to make a life with someone my parents don't like / wabg in their family but I expect I'll be in the minority.

You aren't with him very long. Is the pressure of your parents ultimatum going to cause issues in the relationship.

What would you have done if your parents disapproved of your OH?

skallywag

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Go and talk to your parents' parish priest. Explain the situation to him and that your family are threatening to cut you off. Ask him to have a word with them. You will probably find he is more reasonable than they are!

This is excellent advice.

ManOfMystery

CaraMay wrote: »

I'm sure if a lot of parents are honest they would prefer that their daughter would meet someone with no 'history' and all that goes with it but most parent would have the manners not to say it.

Tbh I would find it hard to make a life with someone my parents don't like / wabg in their family but I expect I'll be in the minority.

No-one wants hostility or animosity with their parents over any issue, really. But ultimately, people have to live their own lives and make their own decisions.

The OP isn't thinking about committing murder, or becoming a prostitute, or taking on a drug habit or some other ridiculous scenario where her parents are fully entitled to intervene in her life in the interests of her well-being. She is seeing a man who treats her very well and who she loves, albeit a man who has been in a marriage which didn't work out. Her parents threatening to cut her out of their lives is a predictably antiquated gross over-reaction based purely on outdated beliefs and the preservation of a certain 'image', and they are completely ignoring the question of whether their child is actually happy and being treated well. People who choose to side with their parents in a scenario like that can't really complain years down the line if they find themselves single, lonely and bitter, and dreaming about the one who got away.

My advice to the OP : do your own thing. Your happiness is worth fighting for, and you're not committing any crime here. Parents aren't always right.

CaraMay

I agree that her parents are completely out of order but the issue here is that the op is in a quandary now due to their stance. Her family are obviously very important to her or she wouldn't be posting here. Telling her to give the two fingers to her immediate family all for a guy she knows a few months isn't helping her.

I don't agree with her parents stance but it's not going to change. She may need to choose between him and her family. It's not right but it is happening.

ManOfMystery

CaraMay wrote: »

I agree that her parents are completely out of order but the issue here is that the op is in a quandary now due to their stance. Her family are obviously very important to her or she wouldn't be posting here. Telling her to give the two fingers to her immediate family all for a guy she knows a few months isn't helping her.

I don't agree with her parents stance but it's not going to change. She may need to choose between him and her family. It's not right but it is happening.

I recognise that and understand that. But my point stands, and my advice is relevant. If she bends over backwards to satisfy her parents beliefs (ignoring the question of whether they're even being fair), and in the process gives up major things which make her happy in her life, she is going to end up living a life geared towards making them happy - not her. And that will not end well.

The situation may be complicated, but the decision is that simple : please them, or please herself. They're the ones issuing an ultimatum and trying to force their way.

miamee

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Hi

I've been going out withe an amazing guy since before the summer. We have so much fun and he treats me so well and I have never been happier. Early on he told me he was separated, and had a child. He got married young and this didnt work out.

I don't have an issue with this, however this weekend I told my parents who are from old rural Catholic Ireland about his past. They have threatened to turn their back on me if I keep seeing him, that it goes against their beliefs and the beliefs I was raised with and that I am committing adultry if I continue it. I have an older sibling who is married that is supporting my parents.

I feel so confused. .. I really feel that this guy is it... but I don't want to loose my family. I love him dearly and when I say I couldn't find a better match its true

Please help

You told them at the weekend. It is now Tuesday. I'd give them time to calm down and get used to the idea. You have told them, there is nothing more to be discussed unless they bring it up or have any questions about him or his situation.

I certainly wouldn't be making any rash decisions about my relationship just yet if I were you. Take time to think about it yourself.

On the one hand, you have this man who you say is "the one" for you, who is amazing, fun and treats you really well and is honest with you. You could potentially build a life with this man, a future and have a family of your own (if that is something you want).

On the other hand, you have your parents and a sibling who are angry with you, trying to tell you what YOU believe ("it goes against their beliefs and the beliefs I was raised with") and making you feel unhappy.

If you are ever going to break this lovely man's heart, please do it for reasons connected to him and not because your parents or anyone else told you that you should.

CaraMay

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I recognise that and understand that. But my point stands, and my advice is relevant. If she bends over backwards to satisfy her parents beliefs (ignoring the question of whether they're even being fair), and in the process gives up major things which make her happy in her life, she is going to end up living a life geared towards making them happy - not her. And that will not end well.

.

She might only need to appease them once in her life. We can't know that

Dial Hard

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Go and talk to your parents' parish priest. Explain the situation to him and that your family are threatening to cut you off. Ask him to have a word with them. You will probably find he is more reasonable than they are!

I wouldn't be going next or near the parish priest. A) it's none of his business and involving him is just giving her parents' religious beliefs even more standing in her relationship than they already have.

As Miamee has said, the OP's best course of action now is to just step back and let her parents digest and start coming to terms with the news that the big church wedding they probably assumed was part of their daughter's future is no longer on the cards if she stays with her boyfriend. That can be a big shock to the system of parents who had certain hopes and wishes about the course their children's lives would take. They need time to adjust to that. Whether they can ever accept it, and him, remains to be seen, but for the time being, I wouldn't be forcing the issue.

ManOfMystery

CaraMay wrote: »

She might only need to appease them once in her life. We can't know that

Once, 10 times, doesn't matter. She said this man might be the 'one' for her. If that's the case, she needs to stand up for what's important to her.

I'm not trying to paint a bad picture of her parents. I'm sure they're nice people, as is she, but when it comes to this one issue they are being overbearing and controlling, which is wrong.

LegacyUser

If they don't come around in a few weeks, ask your parents are they prepared for this to happen - you choose to honour their wishes, break up with him, resent them for it and now have lost a man you loved and they have destroyed your relationship with them. Or you stay with him and undermine your relationship with them, which in turn puts pressure on your relationship with and makes it a breeding ground for regrets and resentment. I can't see it going any other way if they stick to their (ridiculous) guns. If they are prepared for that to happen, then they don't have your best interests at heart, their wishes and needs come before yours. A horrible thing to realise about your parents and I hope it doesn't come to that.

LegacyUser

Its only Tuesday so maybe give them a couple of weeks to get used to the idea, don't contact them, and see if they come running. Its amazing the way bullies and emotional black mailers work, you give them the silent treatment and they come looking for you!

At 32 years of age you are grown adult and you should be more annoyed with them than upset, as they are making you choose between your happiness and future over their archaic beliefs.
I have two friends who were married in a humanist ceremony and prior to the wedding, the great grandmother, grandmother, parents and elderly relatives on the grooms side starting throwing their toys out of the pram about it saying it wouldn't be a real wedding because it wouldn't be in a church, it was a pagan marriage and it was a sin and they wouldn't be going. What happened on the day they all turned up!

As for committing adultery he is separated, in the process of getting a divorce so thats rubbish from them.

They need to realise the family dynamic in Ireland has changed an awful lot since they were married, people no longer stay together based on their beliefs or because they have children together.

ShowMeTheCash

Ahh religion... How it breeds open mindedness!

Sometimes in life you need to go it alone, your life is your own I think in this country are are all "Mammied" a little too much.

If you live at home that might an issue, my mother is traditional she was actually a Nun before the devil (my father) corrupted her...

When myself and my gf found out we where having a baby, I told my mother and she began on a rant to which I cut her short to say "Be very careful to what comes out of you mouth next as it might be the last you ever say to me"

Now this was not a threat of violence but just to let her know that her opinoin does not actually matter to me but if she said anything I did not like then it would be me cutting her out of my life not the other way around.

She stopped and said nothing then about a week later she apologised.

Be strong!

LegacyUser

Give your family time to get used to the idea but in the meantime do not stop seeing your boyfriend.

If they don't come around in time, then unfortunately you may have to make a stand over this if you feel you have a future with your boyfriend. I have a friend who was in a similar situation a number of years ago and she went with her parents wishes, and is still living at home minding her elderly parents with no life! I would say it's a decision she regrets.

CaraMay

jellybelly1 wrote: »

Give your family time to get used to the idea but in the meantime do not stop seeing your boyfriend.

If they don't come around in time, then unfortunately you may have to make a stand over this if you feel you have a future with your boyfriend. I have a friend who was in a similar situation a number of years ago and she went with her parents wishes, and is still living at home minding her elderly parents with no life! I would say it's a decision she regrets.

Maybe she doesn't regret it. The opposite could happen too - op estranged herself from her family to be with this guy and then they break up.

She shouldn't have to choose but prople telling her to did her family and choose the man are not doing her any favours

liz lemoncello

CaraMay wrote: »

....
I don't agree with her parents stance but it's not going to change. She may need to choose between him and her family. It's not right but it is happening.

You don't know that. My dad was disowned by his parents, "You are dead to us," for marrying my mum, a non-Catholic, in a civil ceremony. They eventually came around.

CaraMay

liz lemoncello wrote: »

You don't know that. My dad was disowned by his parents, "You are dead to us," for marrying my mum, a non-Catholic, in a civil ceremony. They eventually came around.

Yeah after they got married. It's a big risk to take.

professore

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Go and talk to your parents' parish priest. Explain the situation to him and that your family are threatening to cut you off. Ask him to have a word with them. You will probably find he is more reasonable than they are!

That could backfire spectacularly.

porsche boy

Sorry I haven't read all the posts so I might be repeating other people. However if your parents are willing to excommunicate you based in their beliefs then they don't deserve a caring daughter like you. What a flippant, flighty attitude they have to be able to write you off lime that. I can only imagine what would have happened if you had introduced them to your new 'girlfriend'.

Backward Ireland is alive and well, tell them to pray for your soul. In the meantime enjoy being in love with 'the one' and to hell with anyone's opinion.

Neyite

I found an ally in the parish priest when I was being pushed towards a catholic wedding. I met with him, had a great old chat and it was he that encouraged me towards a civil ceremony if that was what we wanted, but assured me that if we did end up bowing to manipulation he would be happy to be as secular as possible for us.

So, if the priest is quite liberal, AND if, given a bit of time that your parents haven't thawed then it might be an option. But for now, don't mention marriage or discuss your future with your parents just let them get to know him and get used to him. His marital status might stop being such a big deal when they know him better.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies everyone. Going to the PP isn't really an option, I come from a small town and these things get around. I do not live with my parents, we live in different counties.

My niece is being Christened soon and I wanted to bring my bf but that is now out of the equation. I come from a small family so I'm really torn. My boyfriend has been more than supportive of me which only reaffirms how much I love him

ManOfMystery

You have 2 options really OP. You can stand up for what you want, or you can go with your parents wishes. There will be fallout from each option. It's a crappy situation to be in, but lets remember - you didn't cause it, your parents have forced your hand.

I'm sure it's obvious from my earlier posts which option I think is the correct one, but ultimately its your life and your decision. I would say this however - if you're going to fall out with someone over this, better it be the people trying to force their beliefs on you rather than the person who only wants to be with you because they love you.

eviltwin

CaraMay wrote: »

I'm sure if a lot of parents are honest they would prefer that their daughter would meet someone with no 'history' and all that goes with it but most parent would have the manners not to say it.

Tbh I would find it hard to make a life with someone my parents don't like / wabg in their family but I expect I'll be in the minority.

You aren't with him very long. Is the pressure of your parents ultimatum going to cause issues in the relationship.

I think its important to listen to the concerns of your family and friends re your partner but this is different, this is an ultimatum and if she gives in and ends the relationship she is giving a massive amount of power to her parents. What happens if they don't like the next guy or the one after that or if she does something else with her life they don't agree with?

OP I no longer have a relationship with my mother for a similar reason, its a bit complicated but she doesn't like my husband and has never made an effort with him and I was told that if I made a life with him I wasn't her daughter anymore. It's a horrible position to be placed in but in the end I chose him and never looked back. I would rather make my own mistakes in life and at least have the comfort of knowing it was my choice that led me there than look back on my life and see that I gave all my power and control to someone else. To think I might have given up the love of my life and our children for a woman who cared more about her own standing in the community than the welfare of her child scares me.

Its very easy to say you should follow your heart when its not your family but they are being so so selfish here, this is probably more about them and how your relationship makes them look than any concern about you. Are you really prepared to sacrifice something that brings you so much joy to appease people like that?

DoctorBoo

I think you need to find a way to drain the situation of all the drama it's carrying. There's no need to discuss whether your family will come to your wedding or not - you're not getting married!!! Discussions like this allow your family to increase the pressure on you artificially.
What I think you need to do is deal with the situation as it actually is: you are dating a man who is separated. Dating - not marrying or having kids. If you deal with the situation as it really is, then any decision you make is less momentous, less dramatic. I would also refuse to engage with family in discussions that attempt to bring your relationship forward at all. Take the drama out of arguments by being firm about your position, but also relaxed. In time they will most likely get used to the situation.

Tokyo

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Thanks for your replies everyone. Going to the PP isn't really an option, I come from a small town and these things get around. I do not live with my parents, we live in different counties.

My niece is being Christened soon and I wanted to bring my bf but that is now out of the equation. I come from a small family so I'm really torn. My boyfriend has been more than supportive of me which only reaffirms how much I love him

I get that you are trying to not rock the boat here, but there's a fine line between not upsetting your parents, and avoidance at your boyfriend's expense, and I think that you need to be wary about not crossing that line into the latter. It's one thing if you don't want to arrive on your parents doorstep and rubbing your relationship in their face, but your niece's christening isn't their day, it's your brother or sister's day, and as long as they are okay with you bringing your partner, I don't see why he shouldn't come with you.

You don't have to start discussing wedding plans in your parents living room, but they do need to get used to the fact that for better or for worse, he's in your life. You can avoid the christening, but what happens at Christmas? Or the next birthday or family event? They may as well get used to it now, IMO....

LegacyUser

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

My niece is being Christened soon and I wanted to bring my bf but that is now out of the equation.

Why? Have your niece's parents objected? If not, then no reason you shouldn't bring him.

Shrap

mike_ie wrote: »

but your niece's christening isn't their day, it's your brother or sister's day, and as long as they are okay with you bringing your partner, I don't see why he shouldn't come with you.

I agree with you totally, but this could be the same older sibling who's married and supporting her parent's position. That would make it more awkward to say the least.

LegacyUser

Yes it is the same older sibling who has now told me my boyfriend is not welcome as it will upset my parents

eviltwin

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Yes it is the same older sibling who has now told me my boyfriend is not welcome as it will upset my parents

So you sibling has no personal issue with it, its just he/she doesn't want to upset your folks? Are your parents normally quite overbearing? Its now not only you who is compromise your life, now your sibling is in the same boat. I think you both need to come together and tell your parents to back off.

Tokyo

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Yes it is the same older sibling who has now told me my boyfriend is not welcome as it will upset my parents

Then to be honest, if I were in the same situation, I'd let people know that I'd be there as a couple, or not at all. People (even those who are family) can't pick and choose aspects of you that they want to spend time with and share important moments with - they get you, or not at all. And at the moment, 'you' includes the person you are currently involved with.

It doesn't mean you have to give an ultimatum. But let them know that you won't be attending alone, and let them decide from there which is more important - having family there to share their important day, or clinging to some backwards notion in order to appease the sensitivities of a few.

Shrap

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Yes it is the same older sibling who has now told me my boyfriend is not welcome as it will upset my parents

Oh you poor thing. That's a dilemma. It is only a christening at least, and not a confirmation, so your niece clearly won't notice if you've either not gone, shown face and left, or stayed for the "family day". So clearly they're all giving you an ultimatum, except your lovely supportive partner, and now their ultimatum has a time limit (in a way), in that you get to decide before the christening what way to handle it. Doesn't look like you've got the time to ease them into the idea of him or get them used to the situation.

Would you regret standing up to your sister (I'm guessing sister) and potentially falling out with her over this? I mean, she is being a real cow to you here....

Edit: Totally what Mike said. You should take a stand. They're doing that to you, so it's now or never hon...

CaraMay

Boyfriendisseparated wrote: »

Yes it is the same older sibling who has now told me my boyfriend is not welcome as it will upset my parents

Oh my god. Now I'm getting very annoyed on your behalf. I agree with a previous poster. You go together or not at all. Your future with this guy & your family pretty much hinges on how you handle this. If you give in and go alone then they will know they can walk all over you. If you say you are bringing him then they will need to be rational and back down. Remember you will be teaching them how to treat you.

LegacyUser

OP I really feel for you.

I was in a similar position. My BF (now Husband) was divorced. If I had thought about it I would have know my mother would have a problem with this, my father less so, but wouldnt have been delighted either.
However, I just mentioned it as a matter of fact. My relationship choice was never up for discussion in my family, and their opinion was never sought, nor heard.

I'm sure they discussed it away from us, but it wouldn't have made a difference to me. If he was not welcome, I would have taken it that I was not welcome either.
The fact is it never came to that, I dont know what I would have done it if did. But it was a choice I never had to make.
Your family have no right to dictate who you date/ marry etc. He loves you, if they love you too thats what they should care about.
Small town Ireland is such a difficult place to be. I Really hope your family come around.

Maybe one way to deal with it, is to give them the cold shoulder for a while. Give them a glimse of what is to come if they continue to act like this and try to run your life. They might realises having you in their life is more important than not , with or without your BF.

Good luck,.

LegacyUser

Tell your sister that as much as you'd love to be at the christening, the only way you will be there is if your boyfriend comes too. Does she not care about your feelings as much as she does about your parents feelings?

If you give in on this issue, then this will only be the start of it with your family and they will keep pressurising you until you give up your boyfriend.

It's a horrible situation to be in but even if things don't eventually work out with your boyfriend, you have to give it a chance or you'll regret it, and your family also have to know that they can't decide on your life choices.

Shrap

guesta3734 wrote: »

If he was not welcome, I would have taken it that I was not welcome either.
...............

Small town Ireland is such a difficult place to be. I Really hope your family come around.

That's a really good way of expressing it. And totally agree about small town Ireland, which is actually something that could work in your favour these days OP. Giving your family this choice, including your sibling, will indeed put it up to them to have to say to people "Um, well....I don't know if *insert name* is coming. Our parents don't want her boyfriend there. Why?....Ehh...well, he's been married". Cue laughter and lack of understanding from majority of parish.

CaraMay

Shrap wrote: »

That's a really good way of expressing it. And totally agree about small town Ireland, which is actually something that could work in your favour these days OP. Giving your family this choice, including your sibling, will indeed put it up to them to have to say to people "Um, well....I don't know if *insert name* is coming. Our parents don't want her boyfriend there. Why?....Ehh...well, he's been married". Cue laughter and lack of understanding from majority of parish.

Exactly!!! Put the onus to behave like mature adults back on them.

The only thing I'll say again op is to make sure this is the man for you before you take a stance against your family. Sounds to me like you are sure though