7 and a half years widowed and facing the future..

banie01

So here I am 7 and a half years down the road from the death of my wife.
Happiness is creeping in and it scares me.
Don't get me wrong, the pain hasn't diminished and there is not a day passes where she is not missed or spoken of.
But I compare my grief to a wound, earlier on.
It was raw, open, sensitive and painful dwelling on the loss of our future and cursing the world that our dreams were dust!
Now...
Its as if the wound has scarred, I can cope, I carry it better yes it still hurts but now when the grief hits I focus on the good times we shared rather than the future together we lost.

As I've posted before, life is good and getting better.
Our son is healthy, happy and well adjusted
I am in a relationship with a fantastic lady who has taken what was left of
me, shattered and broken.
And has shown me that I can love again
I call her my Velcro, because she not only helped put me back together!
She holds me that way too!

I had resigned myself to never having a ''significant'' relationship again.
Partly because I never believed I would be able to love again.
Partly because I honestly believed that it would be nigh on impossible for
another woman to put up with me
Partly because, ''moving on'' stoked(and still does occasionaly) incredible feelings of guilt on my part, I felt as if having a relationship would be a betrayal.
Betraying not only my wife, but any potential partner as how could I
give myself over to relationship fully whilst still carrying so much of my wife with me?

Now, I know that moving on doesn't mean leaving her behind.
It means that I carry her with me, that every moment and memory shared is still there.
And more importantly that I've found someone who not only understands that.
But helps me to understand that too!

So now, I'm lucky in love for a second time
I'm at a stage where everytime we are at a hotel my son checks out the reception room!
he has me scourged to buy a ring too
He has asked when/if my new GF and I will ever get married...
He and I have had long talks about this, because if/when my GF and I do take this step, there really is only one other person that matters.
And that's him, luckily he and my GF get on fantastically(often to my detriment when they gang up on me! haha)
There is a genuine friendship and affection between them that makes me see
that yes...!
This will all be ok!

The flipside is the enmity that this ''moving on'' is bringing from my in-laws(Apart from my F.I.L)
From the snide remarks about the ''replacement'' to numerous little digs at myself and my son playing "happy family"
Its gotten to the stage where I am wondering if the toxicity is worth the relationship with them?
But then I realise if I decide to take a stand on the issue now...
It will in their mind be because of my GF and us cutting them out to play even more "happy family", rather than because I'm sick of being sniped at and because I don't want my son thinking the level of passive/aggressive backbiting is acceptable or healthy behaviour.

I am planning on letting them know that I am going to propose soon.
As I don't want them to hear it 2nd hand, because they mean more to me than that and whilst I don't want to "hurt" them...
I'm not going to leave our lives on pause until they are accepting of my new circumstances.
My life has reached a point where my son and I have found someone who makes us happy and I don't want to lose that!

I want to give my GF all of me thats left to give, I'm hoping my inlaws can appreciate that and can accept that.
I hope that my choices won't impact on their relationship with my son, but I've come to realise that if it does change their interaction/relationship that will be their choice as we will still be the same people.

Don't know what I wrote this for really other than to lay my thoughts out in text and to hopefully show anyone else who has been left in a similar circumstance, bereaved, lost, parenting alone, wondering what the future will hold after losing their moon....
Well I just want anyone in this situation or similar to know that it can and will get better!
Live your life, do whats best for you and your child/ren and worry less about those who offer their opinions on your relationships than you do about those whose relationships you value.

unjedilike

Best of luck with the proposal. Informing the in-laws should be seen as a very nice gesture of respect to them and if they are human they will accept that nobody has done anything wrong and life is simply just continuing without ever forgetting.

axel rose

Aww-you and your little man deserve this happiness. You know that love is a complicated emotion, you have not disrespected anyone in finding love again.

Our backgrounds are similar (except I'm miserable and alone! ) Your inlaws need to accept that finding love again does not mean that you have forgotten your wife. However I don't think that's your job to teach the this.

I get the feeling that they are not bad people just expressing their upset inappropriately. Maybe when you break the news to them the issue may be discussed openly.

Could you tackle the next 'comment' with a non aggressive challenge. The next time that your partner is referred to as a 'replacement'- could you respond with how hurtful it is to you?
Do you think that they are coming from an old fashioned respectable widows are widows for life' mentality, or is it a response to the reminder that their daughter is gone? Have you spoken about this to your FIL?

You are a good person and I wish you and your family lots of laughs and happiness!

LynnGrace

banie01 wrote: »

Live your life, do whats best for you and your child/ren and worry less about those who offer their opinions on your relationships than you do about those whose relationships you value.

Very well said. It often helps to write something down, and get your thoughts sorted.
No advice really, because I think your post shows that you have, naturally, been very considerate towards them, and how they feel, seeing you with a new partner. As you said, if it changes the relationship or interaction, that will be their doing. This may be something that you need to point out gently to them, if there are negative comments to you, when you tell them your news.

All the very best with the proposal, and for your future happiness. You deserve it.

CaraMay

I love hearing your updates Banie as I think it's a story of love trumping sadness and loss.

I do agree that you need to ask your in laws to stop referring to your partner as the replacement as it undermines her place in your family. You need to talk to them and tell them it's not acceptable to you. Hope it goes well for you and make sure you come back and fill us in on the proposal?!?!?! Any ideas?

banie01

unjedilike wrote: »

Best of luck with the proposal.

axel rose wrote: »

Aww-you and your little man deserve this happiness. You know that love is a complicated emotion, you have not disrespected anyone in finding love again.

LynnGrace wrote: »

All the very best with the proposal, and for your future happiness. You deserve it.

CaraMay wrote: »

I love hearing your updates Banie as I think it's a story of love trumping sadness and loss.

Folks, Thanks to each and every one of ye for ye're good wishes it means a lot.
This forum has been a great help to me on my journey and the support and advice offered to me here over the years is very much appreciated

@CaraMay, No real plan for the proposal as yet.
But I have a couple of ideas in mind, I will of course drop an update when it happens.

CaraMay

Do!!! I love to hear good news

LegacyUser

You deserve it, your wife would want you and her brave little man to be happy while away from her. Don't fear happiness because she would not want what she left behind to be a legacy of sadness! Embrace life because it's temporary and all anyone does is play happy families until death removed it.
You sound like a very good man who has carried a lot on his shoulders but remember your wife's family really fear she will be replaced and forgotten which you know will never happen.... Be happy x

banie01

My plans for the engagement have taken a little knock...
I had planned on popping the question last wednesday.
My Mam passed away very suddenly and fairly young too(53) on tuesday.
She knew of my plans and as I found out over the last few days had been surreptitiously informing family members and friends that the ''announcement'' was imminent and that they'd best start saving for new suits and hats!
Typical of my mam!

I'm gutted she's gone, my Mam carried me through some of my darkest times.
I'm the eldest of a big family and seeing the turn out at her funeral and hearing so many people affected and saddened by her loss has shown me that....
While she may have given birth to 8 of her own, she was a Mother to a multitude!
Her door was always open, she always quick to help and was a font of advice(much of it hard earned through experience) and always always always willing to do anything to help even a stranger!
Nevermind what she'd do for a friend!

I'm hoping my own experience of widowhood and its horribleness will allow me to help my Dad through this.
He's a big strong man, who seems lost and broken...
I know the darkness and fear that lays ahead of him, and I hope I can help him the way my Mam and him helped me.
I know our whole family will pull together to get us all through this and hopefully we can keep my Mam's spirit of caring and generosity alive through her Kids and grandkids!
One thing I've learnt from her that I'll carry with me always, is that a kind word can go a long way but practical help goes even further.
Bye Mam, I love you.....!

jellybear

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your beloved Mam. I've been following your extremely tough road a while now and was so happy for you when things began to turn a bright, new corner. I hope you can take solace in the fact that your Mam knew (and was clearly delighted!!!) about your upcoming engagement.
I just want to wish you and your family all the best for the difficult road ahead of you. I know us boardsies will be thinking of you. X

CaraMay

Ah no Banie. I'm so sorry for your loss. I saw the notification that your thread had been updated by you and I was very excited opening it thinking I would be seeing good news.

There is nothing I can say to you about grief that you don't already know. I'm lost for words.

Thinking of you

banie01

jellybear wrote: »

I hope you can take solace in the fact that your Mam knew (and was clearly delighted!!!) about your upcoming engagement.
I just want to wish you and your family all the best for the difficult road ahead of you. I know us boardsies will be thinking of you. X

I really do, well maybe not so much solace as some measure of actual happiness at this dark time!
The amount of people who were grieving their/our loss over the last week, who took the time to speak to my GF and welcome her to our family really was staggering!

CaraMay wrote: »

Ah no Banie. I'm so sorry for your loss. I saw the notification that your thread had been updated by you and I was very excited opening it thinking I would be seeing good news.

There is nothing I can say to you about grief that you don't already know. I'm lost for words.

Thinking of you

Thanks Caramay, it means more than ya know.

axel rose

Ah Banie-I'm so so sorry to ear about your mum. She obviously was a great mum and knew she was loved.

Yo are a good man (thanks to your folks!) and I have no doubt that you and your family will look after each other.

You loved her-she knew, that's what is important. There are no regrets Banie. Take care.

December2012

I'm so sorry for your losses - both of them.

Henry Ford III

I admire your strength and resolve banie01, and I sincerely believe you are due some new joy in your life.

They very best of luck to you and yours.

banie01

Just a little update.
After the events of the last week and the chaos, I spoke with my Dad, my siblings and my son to gauge their opinions on what to do regarding postponing the proposal.
Every single one of them said to go ahead, and reinforced how happy my mam was with our decision.

So last night my son and I proposed, and we had a beautiful yes from my GF.
And above all else....
The 1st person to ring and congratulate us....
Was my M.I.L and I can't really express how much that call meant to us...
A leopard can change its spots 😉
Thanks again for everyone for their ear, their support and recent condolence.

jellybear

Yipeeeeeeee!!! Massive congratulations to you and your fiancée!! Also thrilled your mother in law could share in your happiness and be so supportive. Enjoy the celebrations

CaraMay

Wooooooooooo hooooooooooooo

Well done to the mil too

Here's to the future x

axel rose

Congratulations!
I'm so glad you have support from all sides.
You deserve this.

December2012

What a lovely family you have! They must really love you so much.

I'm delighted for you, your son and your fiancée.

Congratulations!

banie01

December2012 wrote: »

What a lovely family you have! They must really love you so much.

I'm delighted for you, your son and your fiancée.

Congratulations!

I really do,My family on both sides have been a continuing source of strength for me.
Over the past year my In-laws have softened and accepted my fianceé in way that even 13 months ago I honestly thought wa beyond them.
And by continuing that belief I did them a disservice.
If I can think I'm big enough to grow and change, I should have afforded my MIL the same belief.
She has not only flipped my thought process regarding her and how she would cope with our progression...
She has shown me that no matter how entrenched a persons beliefs are,
No matter how well you think you may know them....
You can be wrong!

She was the 1st to ring with congratulations, and the 1st to offer a gift(a lovely one too) and a card.
Her rationale was beautiful, her grandson was happier than he'd been in ages....
Ergo I was happy, and if him being happy makes me happy, my GF is obviously a great person to have involved in both our lives and it is good for both both of us but esp. for my son.

I can hand on heart say that for the longest time I thought this step would be akin to a battle, and for a long time it was....
Reinforcing my love for my late wife while striking a balance with my love for my Fianceé was I thought going to be nigh on impossible.
I honestly thought I was striving to balance a schizophrenic belief in my past and my future and being able to reconcile them both.
But over the last few weeks, my eyes have been opened and I hope I can repay the favour for someone someday.
I thought I knew the motivations, expectations and outcomes.....
I was wrong and I've never been happier to admit that.

axel rose

Just been digging the hat out of the cupboard Banie....there's no need to send any of us formal invites, just throw time/place on an old email and we'll be there! :-D

December2012

If you picked a great lady the first time I'm sure you've picked just as great a lady the second time.

Your son must be an amazing kid.

I wish all of you so much for the future, and I'm sure with the way you all handle things you all will be.

In the midst of the joy, please do allow yourself time for sadness for the loss of your mother. Nobody will expect you to be strong and happy 100% of the time even though there are other happy experiences going on now.