Favourite Father Ted Quotes??

pmy.murphy

Ok people what are you're favourite quotes.

A personal favourite of mine is the one made by Mr Benson in Old Grey Whistle Theft about the whistle saving his grandfathers life when he was being executed by the British after the bullets hit the whistle in his coat pocket to which Ted responds

"So he survived"

and the punchline "No no they just reloaded and shot him again"

ballsymchugh

fookin hell!

BlaasForRafa

I hear you're a racist now Father

Lapin

Are there any Father Ted quotes about deja vu or the feeling we've been here before?

Burkie94

Wait a second... These are FAKE hands!

131spanner

The Greeks invented gay-ness!

tippspur

Pat Mustard, 'you have to be up very early in the morning to catch me Father,very early indeed'

Riddle101

"You wouldn't be advertising the use of artificial contraception now Fr?"

"Is there anything to be said for saying another mass. Just a small one, oh god I love saying mass"

"Fr Finnegan danced across America, from New York to Los Angeles, to promote peace and goodwill, he was mugged once every fifteen miles"

Timmyctc

pmy.murphy

Dougal to Mr Benson after a long awkward silence, "So I hear your babysitter is pregnant"

zzfh

are those my feet??

Macavity.

I'll tell you what, I'll make the tea and you take your bra off.

Captain Chaos

How's the son?

degsie

Arse!

Timmyctc

"If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall."

Lucifer MorningStar

There's always time for a nice cup of tea. Sure, didn't the Lord himself pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world.

pmy.murphy

Captain Chaos wrote: »

How's the son?

The son of god, hows the son of god, hows everything in the world of religion?

Captain Chaos

Once old ladies get to a certain age they don't need us to communicate to God anymore, they got the direct line.

Witcher

Nun comes to stay in the house;

Dougal 'Aren't nuns great? You don't feel as nervous with them as you do with real women.'

Ted 'You're right there.'

Dougal 'I just got the courage to talk to her, but it's nice having her around. Gives the place a bit of glamour.'

Ted 'A woman's touch.'

Later on...

Dougal to the nun;

'Ted says you were touching him.'

Iranoutofideas

John O'Leary: What can we do for you Father?
Dougal: I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
John: A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for?
Dougal: Oh nothing much, they're for me and Ted.
Mary: You and Father Ted?
Dougal: Yeah, we're just trying something out.
John: Well emm, actually, funnily enough we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John: Emm, he was yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.
John: Anyway here's the handcuffs.
Dougal: Great, bye now.


This whole passage is brilliant

Lucifer MorningStar

My favourite quote has to be this though

Father Dougal: Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

RayM

Lapin wrote: »

Are there any Father Ted quotes about deja vu or the feeling we've been here before?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWon92BeD88

pmy.murphy

You went to Las Vegas whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes

Frynge

Instead of a mouth it has four arses.

paconnors

(After Tom robs the post office) Ted: "You haven't been up to your old tricks again, have you Tom?" Ted: "No Father, tis my money, I just didn't want to fill out the forms!"

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's ****e.

Nib

"you have used 3 inches of sticky tape, God bless you"

Totofan99

It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us. Except jam made out of old women.

suicide_circus

"We're watching the video from the sports day!"

"A load of young fellas runnin around in shorts?"

Lucifer MorningStar

suicide_circus wrote: »

"We're watching the video from the sports day!"

"A load of young fellas runnin around in shorts?"

And you, only you're thinking of what they'd look like without the shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a huge smile on your face.

BlaasForRafa

"thats the kind of thing you like looking at"

"I bet you like that too!"

"Only you're probably imagining what they look like without shorts. You're sitting there imagining that with a big smile on yer face"

....


....

"Ya durty fecker!"

Eutow

Ya dirty fecker.

This is a good one:


Father Ted: Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?
Father Jack: CAR
Father Ted: Oh, god...
Father Jack: Drived the car!
Father Ted: Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?
Father Jack: (looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!
Father Ted: Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?
Father Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
Father Ted: A truck?!
Father Jack: (smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!
Father Ted: Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.

LovelySpuds

There's cocaine in it!

gammygils

Mrs. Doyle : "Father. Pat wants to know if he could put his massive tool

in my box''

Ted : "Ah! Now.."

Pat Mustard : " Too big for the milk float Father"

And produces a great big adjustable wrench!

Brilliant! :pac:

xXxkorixXx

That wasn't a banana Dougal

xXxkorixXx

God Ted, do you ever realise that sick people end up in hospital?

diomed

Great bunch of lads.

Birneybau

Facists dress in black and tell people what to do whereas as priests...eh

anewme

Attention please. A child has been lost in the tunnel of goats.

Green Giant

Dougal, Purcell is the most boring priest in the world. He was on a mission in Nigeria a few years ago when the parishioners got so sick of him that they went off on a big boat down the nearest river. It sank after a mile and a half and they were eaten by alligators.

pauliebdub

Ted holds up a small plastic cow.
"This one is near but the ones in the field are far away"

Dougal
"I brought the travel scrabble for when we are travelling and the normal scrabble for when we arrived"
"Actually Ted I didnt bring either"

valoren

SACK ME?!?! SACK ME!?!?

I MADE THE BBC!!!

Frynge

Birneybau wrote: »

Facists dress in black and tell people what to do whereas as priests...eh

More drink

Ebr sniper

It sounds like Liam Neeson chasing a load of hens inside a barrel

allibastor

" I've had my fun, and that's all that matters"

SuperGrover

'Ride me sideways' was another one.

allibastor

" and he standing there over you, with his lad in his hand, wanting you"

Summer wind

We put an extension on the extension and the house is in a circle now.

DundalkDuffman

Look at that chalice work. Effortless.

Chunners

(Two old ladies talking to Ted and Dougal outside the cinema)
Lady 1: Oh, we saw a great one a few weeks ago, The Crying Game.
Lady 2: Oh it was brilliant
Lady 1: Oh there was this great bit in it there was this girl, and then you find out it's not a girl but a man
Lady 2: 'Cause he got his lad out

iDave

Why do we have to talk to this Fascist???