Experiences of unconventional relationships.

FullblownRose

Hiya,

Just wondering if any of ye have unconventional arrangements r.e how you share your life with a partner (or indeed more than one partner).

I know a few people in poly relationships and others who seem very close but don't live together fulltime.

Emme

Does friends with benefits count?

FullblownRose

Emme wrote: »

Does friends with benefits count?

Definitely. Am curious as to how that works out..

Tasden

My ideal tbh would be not living with my partner but I'm currently single

Big Nasty

There's a boards user who some may be familiar with is in a relationship with two women and they all live together. I'm sure he'll be along shortly as he seems to keep an eye out for threads like this.

LegacyUser

Not too unconventional, but we don't share a room because we're not cuddly sleepers. All the love in the world between us, but bedtime is far more comfortable and stress-free this way.

The Cool

My uncle and his wife have a weird relationship. They're in their 40s, been married 10 years coming. Her homeplace is an hour and a half's drive away; they built a house near his homeplace when they were engaged, and she works half way between (so, a 45 minute drive back to their marital home, and a 45 minute drive in the other direction to her mother's house).
She comes home to their house on Tuesdays and Thursdays; the rest of the week, she stays with her mother. On Saturday evenings after work he travels down to her mother's to be with her, and spends Sunday there. So they have half the week together - 3 evenings and the day of Sunday.
We all find it a bit strange. I'm not one to judge, when people have unusual relationship dynamics that's their business, whatever works for them BUT the man is clearly unhappy with his situation; he's a very different man from what he used to be.
It's kind of like she wanted to get married, but isn't bothered about the marriage part.

Morag

The Cool wrote: »

My uncle and his wife have a weird relationship. They're in their 40s, been married 10 years coming. Her homeplace is an hour and a half's drive away; they built a house near his homeplace when they were engaged, and she works half way between (so, a 45 minute drive back to their marital home, and a 45 minute drive in the other direction to her mother's house).
She comes home to their house on Tuesdays and Thursdays; the rest of the week, she stays with her mother. On Saturday evenings after work he travels down to her mother's to be with her, and spends Sunday there. So they have half the week together - 3 evenings and the day of Sunday.
We all find it a bit strange. I'm not one to judge, when people have unusual relationship dynamics that's their business, whatever works for them BUT the man is clearly unhappy with his situation; he's a very different man from what he used to be.
It's kind of like she wanted to get married, but isn't bothered about the marriage part.

How is that weirder then people who are married and one of them works flying airplanes or on an oil rig?

If they are happy then what's the issue? I am sure they make the most of their time together and that can be heather then people who live together all the time. It could be that she is having to care for her mother and that suits better then having to live with the mother in law full time.

I don't see how it makes them any less married.

Dolbert

Morag wrote: »

If they are happy then what's the issue?

He isn't happy... That's the whole point

Big Nasty

Big Nasty wrote: »

There's a boards user who some may be familiar with is in a relationship with two women and they all live together. I'm sure he'll be along shortly as he seems to keep an eye out for threads like this.

Yeah - funny that people reply to threads that are relevant to them - I simply can not imagine why that might be. Clearly it is a contrived conspiracy to trawl the entire forum for threads on a particular topic. That - or you simply have the causality entirely reversed - or have not actually looked into the posting history of the person or people you describe to see the diversity of posts and threads they actually do partake in.

Actually I do not even read - or subscribe to - The Ladies' Lounge at all myself. But I received a PM this morning from a user who does suggesting that the thread might benefit from my presence. I do the same - when threads on After Hours, which I do subscribe to, come up where I think a user from another part of boards.ie would add to the quality of the thread - I PM them too. I believe this to be a good thing. Perhaps you do not. But I like threads on any given topic - to have informed and experienced input from users who know that topic. Nuts huh?

FullblownRose wrote: »

Hiya, Just wondering if any of ye have unconventional arrangements r.e how you share your life with a partner (or indeed more than one partner).

But yes OP what the user says above appears to accurately describe me - or someone like me. Through this I also have contact and experience of other people in other non-standard relationship types. I am also heavily active and activist in the homosexual community. So all in all - I can probably answer any questions you have. But I notice your OP does not really ask any so I am not sure what I can add to the thread - despite my invitation to do so

Big Nasty

taxAHcruel - I'm not really interested in how you 'come across' these threads but thanks for trying to enlighten me all the same.

Interested enough to comment on it and presume to know - and I was interested enough to correct you on it Win-win all around I guess.

TeamJesus

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yeah - funny that people reply to threads that are relevant to them - I simply can not imagine why that might be. Clearly it is a contrived conspiracy to trawl the entire forum for threads on a particular topic. That - or you simply have the causality entirely reversed - or have not actually looked into the posting history of the person or people you describe to see the diversity of posts and threads they actually do partake in.

Actually I do not even read - or subscribe to - The Ladies' Lounge at all myself. But I received a PM this morning from a user who does suggesting that the thread might benefit from my presence. I do the same - when threads on After Hours, which I do subscribe to, come up where I think a user from another part of boards.ie would add to the quality of the thread - I PM them too. I believe this to be a good thing. Perhaps you do not. But I like threads on any given topic - to have informed and experienced input from users who know that topic. Nuts huh?



But yes OP what the user says above appears to accurately describe me - or someone like me. Through this I also have contact and experience of other people in other non-standard relationship types. I am also heavily active and activist in the homosexual community. So all in all - I can probably answer any questions you have. But I notice your OP does not really ask any so I am not sure what I can add to the thread - despite my invitation to do so

This post is so funny! So describe your relationship then for those of us who haven't seen any of your previous posts.

TeamJesus

TeamJesus wrote: »

This post is so funny! So describe your relationship then for those of us who haven't seen any of your previous posts.

Essentially it is as the user above described. We are three people living together - 2 children of a planned 4 - house - dog - the works

Shrap

Not as interesting as TaxAHcruel, but I'm not living with my fella and we have no intention of ever doing so! We see each other a few nights a week (usually between 2 and 4) and we have managed to keep our independence from each other going. This is hugely important to both of us, as we've both been down the road of feeling subsumed by someone else's expectations/needs before and wouldn't wish that on a worst enemy, never mind a loved one. We're both scared that moving in together would be too big of a risk to our relationship. Actually...not scared. Certain!

Never felt moved myself to have _that_ level of independence but I can at least strongly understand the spirit behind it.

In our relationship we have our own rooms for a start. Who ends up in any given room - on any given night - tends to pass through every variation that you can come up with - but we maintain that space all the same as there are times we simply want our own space - to sleep alone - to close a door and simply be away from the others. I recommend it in any relationship really.

We also maintain a lot of our own life and social circles apart from each other too.

But there are also over laps in our social circles - hobbies - spare time - and other things too. So while we are nowhere near the level of independence as you - we are certainly further along that road that most couples we know of in our circles.

Shrap

Deleted User wrote: »

I recommend it in any relationship really.

We also maintain a lot of our own life and social circles apart from each other too.

But there are also over laps in our social circles - hobbies - spare time - and other things too. So while we are nowhere near the level of independence as you - we are certainly further along that road that most couples we know of in our circles.

^^ That's for sure! That's what scares us both the most - the lack of space to be able to say "I'm on my own tonight". I live with both my sons still, and space is at a premium around here! However, I don't think we'll change our ways when the boys eventually move out, as our own homes are so important to each of us. I can't imagine the wrench it would be for either of us to give up what we have built around us (we both have land, planted and maintained...). I think it would damage what we see in each other. Also, when I'm at his place for instance, I get to leave my responsibilities at home and it's wonderfully relaxing, and v v when he's at mine.

Actually our social circles are thoroughly overlapped, but constantly changing (mostly due to break ups of other couples who were living together) and we often go in two different directions on a night out (and because we don't often go out on the same nights!), but do go to mutual friends for instance.

It sounds like you have more give and take in your home life than most alright. I wonder if that has something to do with the fact that there is clearly going to be less debate about who gets to go out/mind the kids when there are more of you in a relationship and less chance of hard feelings over feeling isolated at home?

It certainly is helpful that a variety of tasks - chores - and responsibilities are divided over more people than "usual" I guess. There is not only an extra parent - but an extra pair of "grand parents" and sets of aunts and uncles and the like. So it can be certainly easier to source assistance where required. Though of course any night when we all go out together we still have most of the same issues anyone else has. We do a lot of things together like Capoeira and BJJ classes that we all attend at the same time - but as you say there are then other times we do things separately.

I wonder does your own situation have an impact on spontaneity in the relationship however? Probably the only down side I am seeing so far I do not just mean the joy of spontaneous sex of course - but any such case of spontaneity where you are around each other and suddenly decide "Lets do X"? There must be a certain level of pre-arrangement with things that happens with you that does not with others that takes the edge off the more natural flow of things?

Playing devils advocate is fun - but that's the most I could come up with

Emme

Shrap wrote: »

Not as interesting as TaxAHcruel, but I'm not living with my fella and we have no intention of ever doing so! We see each other a few nights a week (usually between 2 and 4) and we have managed to keep our independence from each other going. This is hugely important to both of us, as we've both been down the road of feeling subsumed by someone else's expectations/needs before and wouldn't wish that on a worst enemy, never mind a loved one. We're both scared that moving in together would be too big of a risk to our relationship. Actually...not scared. Certain!

That's quite a common arrangement, more common than you might think and certainly not unusual. I think it's a very Irish type of relationship, especially in couples who may have been in long term relationships before or when one or both partners have children. Relationships like this have always been common in rural Ireland even when both partners had no children and hadn't been married before. Sometimes one partner had to live in the family home and care for elderly relatives and the other might also have been living with elderly relatives who weren't willing to hand responsibility over to an adult son or daughter. Again relationships like this were common in couples who weren't in the first flush of youth.

I would only consider your relationship unusual if you had both agreed on an open relationship where both partners are free to date and have sex with other people on a mutually agreed basis.

IvyTheTerrible

My aunt-in-law is in a long term relationship with a man from a city an hour away from where she lives. They do not ever want to live together, so she spends half the week in his place, and he spends the other half with her. They like the independence.

skallywag

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

My aunt-in-law is in a long term relationship with a man from a city an hour away from where she lives. They do not ever want to live together, so she spends half the week in his place, and he spends the other half with her. They like the independence.

I like the sound of such a setup, though both would need financial independence to make it work of course, assuming they both have associated expenses etc with the two properties. Having a place that you can call your own is a great idea.

I know a few middle aged couple who are in long term relationships but don't live together, they tend to have been married before and have children, not always though sometimes one of the couple has been married and has children and one has never been married or had children. I know someone in a relationship like that for over 20 years. Its not actually that uncommon.

Its a mixture of things, wary after a bad marriage, like their own space, only interested in part time companionship and sex, or maybe its because of having children. Works for lots of people.

IvyTheTerrible

skallywag wrote: »

I like the sound of such a setup, though both would need financial independence to make it work of course, assuming they both have associated expenses etc with the two properties. Having a place that you can call your own is a great idea.

They both own their own houses, she has a full-time decently paying job, and he's retired with a decent pension, so in terms of financial independence they are grand.

Carlos Orange

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

My aunt-in-law is in a long term relationship with a man from a city an hour away from where she lives. They do not ever want to live together, so she spends half the week in his place, and he spends the other half with her. They like the independence.

Aren't they just living together in 2 different places?

IvyTheTerrible

psinno wrote: »

Aren't they just living together in 2 different places?

Well they don't spend ALL their time together, there would be fairly regular periods where they are each staying in their own places.

Shrap

Deleted User wrote: »

I wonder does your own situation have an impact on spontaneity in the relationship however? Probably the only down side I am seeing so far I do not just mean the joy of spontaneous sex of course - but any such case of spontaneity where you are around each other and suddenly decide "Lets do X"? There must be a certain level of pre-arrangement with things that happens with you that does not with others that takes the edge off the more natural flow of things?

Playing devils advocate is fun - but that's the most I could come up with

The only times we're able to be truly spontaneous is when the kids are at their Dad's every second weekend anyway (no other family around to help out with child care)! We would usually then spend the whole time together, doing whatever we decide. Actually, seeing each other is pretty spontaneous and much less pre-arranged than you might think as we're both self-employed and work when the work is there. In his case it could be 3 days away at very short notice, or having to leave home by 5am to somewhere nearer his own place, so we both have to be easy going about seeing each other. For instance, I don't know if he might decide later to come over, but if not then it'll probably be tomorrow. Or Wednesday...! I get to be much more spontaneous in the relationship than I did out of it, as when he's over, I'll pop out for a while to visit another friend if I want to. Which wouldn't happen for me if I had no-one offering to look after the lads.

And to the other poster - Emme, I think - no I don't think we're very unusual, but it's uncommon enough that I don't personally know any other couple who have this kind of relationship. The one couple I did know who conducted their relationship this way have now moved in together in their 60's! I suppose I'll never say never....

Shrap

Emme wrote: »

Again relationships like this were common in couples who weren't in the first flush of youth.

Yup, that's us alright

I would only consider your relationship unusual if you had both agreed on an open relationship where both partners are free to date and have sex with other people on a mutually agreed basis.

Sorry, we're clearly not unconventional enough to be an example on this thread. I do most humbly apologise for the inconvenience...

psinno

psinno wrote: »

Aren't they just living together in 2 different places?

There is a big psychological difference in keeping two separate homes no matter how much time you spend together and that can be very important to some people.

This might be a particularly Irish thing I don't know, the story is that they got married and had children very young the marriage broke up.. often involved alcohol or it was a difficult brake up, eventually they get in to a new relationship want to keep an independent life.

When I got married for the second time lots of people said to me do you really want to be getting married again at your age, its as if only get married if you are going to have children or you are young.

skallywag

If my own current relationship was to break up then I certainly think that I would always push to have my own place, be it a house or apartment, in the future, regardless of whether or not I am to get involved with someone else again.

Shrap

mariaalice wrote: »

When I got married for the second time lots of people said to me do you really want to be getting married again at your age, its as if only get married if you are going to have children or you are young.

It'll be funny if me and the fella do get married and continue living our separate/together life/lives! I haven't got divorced yet though, so no hurry. He has mentioned it though...and that might make our arrangement a little less conventional I'd say! A lot of people would wonder why, but in fairness and as above, having children or living together are far from the only reasons to pledge your love, respect and companionship to another person (or persons, as in taxAHcruel's example!).

alibab

It's seems my relationship is not a bit unconventional so despite people in real life finding it strange but after reading this thread seems there are lots of us living the same way . It would appear most of us have been previously married with kids etc .

I am in a relationship 2 years with my partner. During my divorce I lost everything massive legal bills and house sold etc with no equity . I built myself back up slowly and now own my own home and have a very successful career. I am very independent.

Nobody ever puts me and my partner together as we are poler opposites to what people expect . We will never live together spoken about at length and he stays over mainly at weekends but has his own room etc . We have a very loving healthy relationship but as both of us have been married previously we respect that we need our space .

As I said this is not unusual it seems from this thread and I am glad to see others have the same set up .