Best man speech

djflawless

Soooo,
im best man at a wedding on Thursday
nothing over the top or anything.quick scribble in a registry office, off for a meal, then session on!!
Not really bothered by anyone on a big horse or moral high grounds or the likes etc
But any links for sites with quick and easy best man speeches??

Kevin McCloud

The backwards man has top tip on the way.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Don't make any jokes about his previous relationship!! The OHs best man to be has also been told the same.

NIMAN

Don't stress too much about it, any joke you tell will have been heard before, and people will be polite and laugh even though most of them find BM speeches boring.

jamesbondings

congrats your married, now f*ck her right in the pu**y.......

i doubt ill everbe a best man but if i am i will be using this!

Kevin McCloud

jamesbondings wrote: »

congrats your married, now f*ck her right in the pu**y.......

i doubt ill everbe a best man but if i am i will be using this!

Direct and to the point.

BrokenHero

Was at a wedding recently and the best man thanked lots of people and then said:

On a serious note I just like to say how beautiful the bride and bridesmaids look here today and I'd like to thank the man who was mainly responsible for them looking so amazing.

Lets hear it for Mr. Max Factor ladies and gentleman.

Did not go down well at all

laurinjames

whatever you do and say, rule no.1, keep it short and sweet. all the best wedding speeches are short ones. no one wants to hear a long speech at a wedding.

laurinjames

BrokenHero wrote: »

Was at a wedding recently and the best man thanked lots of people and then said:



Did not go down well at all

what an idiot, must have sounded funny in his head.

djflawless

jamesbondings wrote: »

congrats your married, now f*ck her right in the pu**y.......

i doubt ill everbe a best man but if i am i will be using this!

hmmmm, i wonder....:)

Morpork

At the end of mine:

"Finally I want to wish the bride and groom a lovely honeymoon in Northern Ireland."
Turned to groom and said: "It is Northern Ireland right? No!? But you told me you were going to Bangor for a week after the wedding!"

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I'd be disgusted if someone accused me of wearing maxfactor on my wedding day.

Liamalone

Just tell everyone to **** off, you're starving and it's time for the grub. Works like a treat every time.

Kevin McCloud

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I'd be disgusted if someone accused me of wearing maxfactor on my wedding day.

If you cant wear warpaint on your wedding day when can you?

certifiedcrepe

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

If you cant wear warpaint on your wedding day when can you?

War paint? Sure thing.
Max factor? No.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

If you cant wear warpaint on your wedding day when can you?

I wouldn't wear maxfactor going out to walk the dog never mind on my wedding day. The makeup artist that's doing our makeup for my wedding is 120 euro pwe face.

Liamalone

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

If you cant wear warpaint on your wedding day when can you?

Your wedding day is a time to avoid the warpaintt, he should love you for the badger you are.

laurinjames

Morpork wrote: »

At the end of mine:

"Finally I want to wish the bride and groom a lovely honeymoon in Northern Ireland."
Turned to groom and said: "It is Northern Ireland right? No!? But you told me you were going to Bangor for a week after the wedding!"

classy like the scousers on harry enfield !

The Backwards Man

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

The backwards man has top tip on the way.

You know you're a cnut when your reputation precedes you

OP, whatever you do, two pieces of advice from me, write out a speech beforehand, and stay away from the brandy.

Kevin McCloud

That started a war pretty quick, is max factor not war paint?

Liamalone

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

That started a war pretty quick, is max factor not war paint?

Is the best man looking to wear warpaint?

Kevin McCloud

Liamalone wrote: »

Is the best man looking to wear warpaint?

Depends on the glory hole?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

That started a war pretty quick, is max factor not war paint?

It's poverty war paint. I know if the best man on the day turned around and thanked maxfactor for us not looking like dogs I'd be snappin after paying for proper makeup

Liamalone

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

Depends on the glory hole?

Now that would be wan for the books, a wedding reception with a couple of complimentary glory holes. Check that **** out mudda fudda!

laurinjames

i was once at a wedding where the best man happened to be the brides brother.
he then went on to explain, in great detail, how many lads over the years had banged his sister before the groom, who they were, and where, and thought all those details would be extremely funny. That was 'intresting'. After that speech the silence in the hall was deafening for what seemed like eternity.

rule no. 1, keep it short and sweet, and stick to one or two short and sweet tried and tested jokes and then quickly sit down. don't try to be 'origional' or 'entertaining'

The Backwards Man

Sweet Rose wrote: »

I was at a wedding a couple of weeks ago and all the groomsmen spoke and it was just so cringy as they were all soooo drunk. The best man made his speech and he thought it was funny to pretend he couldn't find any paper in his housr when he was writing the speech so he wrote it on the back of a Cocopops box instead! Cringeeeee.

If that made you cringe you better thank your lucky stars you never heard one of my speeches!:pac:

Liamalone

LexieOnRale wrote: »

It's poverty war paint. I know if the best man on the day turned around and thanked maxfactor for us not looking like dogs I'd be snappin after paying for proper makeup

Aren't you precious! Sure men know feck all about make up bar what the tv tells them. And sure he/she might know feck all too!

Kevin McCloud

The Backwards Man wrote: »

If that made you cringe you better thank your lucky stars you never heard one of my speeches!:pac:

You banged your own family?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Liamalone wrote: »

Aren't you precious! Sure men know feck all about make up bar what the tv tells them. And sure he/she might know feck all too!

So then keep away from a subject you know nothing about!

Liamalone

LexieOnRale wrote: »

So then keep away from a subject you know nothing about!

Generalisation, I happen to know a lot, hence here I am.

BrokenHero

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed5Bh_DbHPU

djflawless

Not really looking for original, unique etc.
just something to keep the bride and closest family happy.
best man knows that it will be going fairly well if i speak for more than 2 minutes.
lets face it, its only a few steps short of a shotgun wedding!!
and i don't intend on wearing or thanking max factor to be honest....








Sally Hansens my man (woman 😊)

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Don't spill anything on Sally! She's not as waterproof as shed lead you to believe

jamesbondings

djflawless wrote: »

Soooo,
im best man at a wedding on Thursday

djflawless wrote: »

Not really looking for original, unique etc.
just something to keep the bride and closest family happy.
best man knows that it will be going fairly well if i speak for more than 2 minutes.
(woman 😊)

AH FOR JAYSUS SAKE you got the bride up the duff.......does the groom know?do you think he will mind? or are you the groom and you slept with the brides mother, you can see how im confused left>?

is the brides name pam and has she 5 sisters???

Ficheall

LexieOnRale wrote: »

The makeup artist that's doing our makeup for my wedding is 120 euro pwe face.

120 euro? :-/ Is minor plastic surgery involved?

jamesbondings

Ficheall wrote: »

120 euro? :-/ Is minor plastic surgery involved?

id do it for a tenner a head, im am really good at making pandas and butterflys, and for the men, batman and robin!!!

make up = facepaint

.red.

Tell the bride to put her hand on the table. Then get the groom to put his hand on top of hers. Then tell him to savour that moment as itll be the last time he ever has the upper hand in the marriage.
heard that a while back and it got a good laugh from the guests.

fonda

I opened with something like " I've been told the best man speech should last as long as the groom can make love" and then sat straight back down.

Gave everyone a laugh and broke the ice nicely and eased the nerves a bit.

I made the speech with a mixture of stuff i found on the net like above and then added a few personal bits as well but nothing too inappropriate.

naughtysmurf

On a wedding video I saw, the Best man used this line.....

Complimented the Bridesmaids on how beautiful they all looked and then followed it with,

"Who says you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear",

It got a laugh anyway, your call






I would never condone such behaviour

Cupcake_Crisis

At a wedding not so long ago and the best man decided it would be a great idea to go into detail about the time he caught the happy couple riding in a pub toilet. No one really knew what to do or where to look. Hilarious!

kfallon

A good Best man's speech is a lot like the perfect mini skirt....short enough to get everyone interested....but long enough to cover the essentials!

You can have that OP, I used it for my speech on me brother's wedding day!

bb1234567

Im so happy that Im not bestfriends with any men and so I probably wont ever have to do this

sadie06

OP, if you are going to be as brief as you say you are, one joke maximum, refer to your relationship with them, admire their approach to getting hitched in such a simple and enjoyable fashion, admire the bride, wish them well, do a toast. Personalise all of the above. Job done.

This is a highly entertaining thread, but I'm afraid I must exit to apply my poverty war paint, get my poverty coat on and jump into my poverty car to get to work. Thank God nobody actually labels these things as such.

Sigh……you can't buy class!

dan1895

I know someone who is considering making a short film to show instead of a speech. The wedding is abroad so he'll be limited for time but reckons he'll get it recorded, edited and set up in the function room in about two hours the day before. He has no film making experience or equipment. I've already tried to persuade him not to do it.

Op, keep it short and sweet, no talking about exes and don't swear. You'll be grand.

Teyla Emmagan

Just be polite and sincere. Err on the side of caution. Better no jokes than **** jokes. Speak from the heart. Don't fiddle with yourself because you're nervous.

Most of all don't panic about leaving the speech to the last minute.

Teyla Emmagan

sadie06 wrote: »

OP, if you are going to be as brief as you say you are, one joke maximum, refer to your relationship with them, admire their approach to getting hitched in such a simple and enjoyable fashion, admire the bride, wish them well, do a toast. Personalise all of the above. Job done.

This is a highly entertaining thread, but I'm afraid I must exit to apply my poverty war paint, get my poverty coat on and jump into my poverty car to get to work. Thank God nobody actually labels these things as such.

Sigh……you can't buy class!

Omg you wear Max factor! Eeeeeee

Hidalgo

Do a trial run the day before hand and have someone listen and time it.
You might have 2 mins on your head but once you start spouting your head could be blank after 30 seconds (or thats what happened me at college 10 min presentations which barely made the 6 min mark).

A few trial runs will lessen the chance of you repeating yourself and re-thanking the same people

If telling jokes doesn't come naturally don't go there. Nobody is going to the wedding looking for a comedy routine.

Akrasia

"Websters dictionary defines wedding as the process of removing weeds from your garden"

Half the people won't have a clue what you're on about, the other half will get the joke and the confused silence will only make it funnier.

Buona Fortuna

This should do it

razorblunt

Stand up ...

1. I've know the groom since <insert embarrassing self referencing story here for a quick giggle>
2. Toast the bridesmaids if it hasnt been done
3. Funny groom story that will embarrass him, but not too badly
4. Funny story about the couple - get input from her family (her Dad may have something he doesn't want to say in his speech)
5. Toast the couple

... Sit down

That will get you a couple of minutes.

Tasden

If you're the type of person that can't help but laugh at their own jokes then don't try a funny speech

Was at a wedding where the best man laughed after every joke and his laugh was hilarious so people were laughing at his laugh and the more people laughed with/at him the more he laughed. Was absolutely hilarious but the bride and lots of other people didn't find it as funny.

I love speeches, everyone seems to find them boring but they're my fave part even when its obvious they took the whole thing from the internet. Make sure you ask other people doing speeches who they plan on thanking so that its not repeating the same people and leaving some people out.

Also that weeding definition joke made me burst out laughing on the bus- way too easily amused :pac: