New Flatmate has child - but hasn't told me yet. How do I approach?

Pinkmoon19

Hi,

I've just had a new flatmate move into my apartment. It's just a 2 bed apartment, with one bathroom. I had a lot of viewings and strictly advertising "No couples", for 1 person only.

The guy who I eventually decided on seems really nice and really easy going BUT I noticed when he was moving in that he has a Baby sun visor on one of the windows in his car. A bit of Facebook stalking and I discovered he does have a baby daughter. I would say max she is about 18 months.

As a single Mid-20s person I don't particularly want to be creeping around at the weekends around a sleeping baby, or being woke up early. I don't really want children's equipment cluttering up the limited Kitchen/Living space we have either. At the same time I don't want to come across as a wagon.

What do you think would be the best approach. Should I just ask Do you have a child and do you intend on her staying her at weekends etc? Should I lay down ground rules etc?

When I interviewed this guy I did say that I would be a fan of going out at the weekends and would have a couple of my friends stay over after nights out maybe a couple of times a month, and he seemed totally fine with it. So he was aware that it wouldn't be the ideal place to be having a child stay at weekends.

Any advice/suggestions much appreciated.

pwurple

If he's moving in with you rather than with the mother of his child, chances are he is single. Children tend to stay with their mother in these kinds of situations (not always, but a lot of the time). He may not have any custody arrangment in place at all, and may not even be guardian of that child.

I wouldn't assume the child would ever come over, but obviously bring it up and have a chat. Openness is always better. I'd mention the car sun visor rather than the facebook stalking though.

Meathlass

I presume if he hasn't mentioned it then the child doesn't stay with him. If he suddenly turned up with a child to stay some nights I'd be giving him notice as it's not what you signed up for.

I'd just mention casually next time you're having a cup of tea with him that you noticed the sun visor and ask him does he have any kids.

Rob Thomas

As with most problems which arise early in a new tenancy the best thing to do is tackle it early, reasonably and honestly.

It sounds like you gave a fairly honest indication what living with you would be like and he was happy with that. It may be the case that he is still with the mother but they don't live together and he will be visiting/staying with the child at their home from time to time.

Have a chat with him and explain your concerns and talk it out. It's up to you how you deal with explaining how you found out though....!

snubbleste

I cannot believe you facebook-staked someone!

Pinkmoon19

pwurple wrote: »

Openness is always better. I'd mention the car sun visor rather than the facebook stalking though.

Ha yes, I was definitely going to go down the Sun visor route, rather than looking like a complete weirdo!

Ok great, that's what I thought, That I should just mention it straight away. A lot of my friends seem to think it would be better to play dumb and say nothing. That doesn't sit that easily with me, I would rather get it out in the open I think.

pwurple

snubbleste wrote: »

I cannot believe you facebook-staked someone!

Note to tenants... I look at the social media of every prospective tenant. It's in the public domain, and is often a very good indication of what they are like.

Pinkmoon19

snubbleste wrote: »

I cannot believe you facebook-staked someone!

Really? It's fairly standard. I mean most companies would do this before hiring someone......

bucketybuck

Firstly, you aren't being a wagon for being concerned about this. Having a baby in the house is not an insignificant thing and you definitely should have been told if that is going to be the case. You have the right to know if you are going to be awoken by a screaming child, if you are going to potentially get stuck babysitting, if you can't bring friends over because they might wake the baby.

It may be the case that he didn't mention it because he will never have the baby there, and thats fair enough. You need to clarify things ASAP though before he gets too settled, so I would just come out and ask him to be very clear what his intentions are.

Gatling

He's moved in and now because he's a father you want to set out new rules .
Do you own the apartment or leasing it

Meathlass

Gatling wrote: »

He's moved in and now because he's a father you want to set out new rules .
Do you own the apartment or leasing it

She's entirely within her rights. She's renting to a single person who she thought would be compatible with her lifestyle. That's completely different to a tenant with a small baby staying at weekends and crawling around the communal areas.

foggy_lad

snubbleste wrote: »

I cannot believe you facebook-staked someone!

I only stake people that turn out to be Vampires:D

Gatling

Meathlass wrote: »

She's entirely within her rights. She's renting to a single person who she thought would be compatible with her lifestyle. That's completely different to a tenant with a small baby staying at weekends and crawling around the communal areas.

Who has said anything about the baby staying and lifestyle choices

Leilak

l wouldn't be happy at all - l rented a room to a single guy couple of years ago and came in one day to find two toddlers flying around the house when l approached him about it he didn't seem to think it was a problem but l soon put a stop to it

Mrs OBumble

It's possible that he's only just separated, and that access rights are not sorted out yet. Maybe he's taken this place as a stopgap measure, until he finds someplace that is more suitable.

If it's not that, ie if he's the type who is not allowed to have his child(ren) stay overnight with him, I'm not sure that I would want him as a housemate either!

Pinkmoon19

Gatling wrote: »

Who has said anything about the baby staying and lifestyle choices

Well that was the point of my post? I was looking for advice on how to approach/find out what his intentions are with regards to the child staying.

To be totally honest if he is planning for the child to be staying every second weekend I don't think it would be a good fit for the apartment. It would have been a completely different scenario if he was upfront and said he had a child and he would want them staying. I mean If I agreed to him moving in on this basis then obviously I would have to accept all that goes with this but I haven't agreed to that as I am currently "unaware" that he has a baby.

Meathlass

Gatling wrote: »

Who has said anything about the baby staying and lifestyle choices

You implied in your post that she didn't want him living there now that she's found out he's a father.

That's not the reason. I'm sure she couldn't care less how many kids he has as long as they don't stay at the house.

Pinkmoon19

Meathlass wrote: »

You implied in your post that she didn't want him living there now that she's found out he's a father.

That's not the reason. I'm sure she couldn't care less how many kids he has as long as they don't stay at the house.

Exactly!!

RainyDay

wolfen wrote: »

As a single Mid-20s person I don't particularly want to be creeping around at the weekends around a sleeping baby, or being woke up early. I don't really want children's equipment cluttering up the limited Kitchen/Living space we have either. At the same time I don't want to come across as a wagon.

So don't creep around at the weekends, and tell him you don't want to be woken up early by a kid.

Sounds like you're looking for a problem rather than dealing with an issue. Focus on the behaviours, not the person.

Meathlass

RainyDay wrote: »

So don't creep around at the weekends, and tell him you don't want to be woken up early by a kid.

Sounds like you're looking for a problem rather than dealing with an issue. Focus on the behaviours, not the person.

I can't believe people would be ok with this.

If you advertised a place to rent and a single girl in her 20s moved in but 3 weeks later you got up and her elderly mother was in the kitchen and informed you she'd be staying with her daughter every weekend, would you be ok with this? It's the same scenario.

The op rented a room to one person, not one person and a child at weekends.

RainyDay

Meathlass wrote: »

The op rented a room to one person, not one person and a child at weekends.

How did you come to the conclusion that the child is staying at weekends?

Meathlass

RainyDay wrote: »

How did you come to the conclusion that the child is staying at weekends?

It's not a conclusion, it's a scenario. The OP doesn't know yet as she hasn't talked to the tenant but it's a possible scenario.

I don't think that the child will be staying as I'd imagine any tenant would mention this but you never know, people are weird

Gatling

Op you need to sit down with your new flatmate and see what exactly his situation is in a friendly non confrontational manner just a friendly chat ,

Would there be an issue with person having the child in the flat during a day time .
Or are you strictly no kids full stop in the flat .

There's various scenarios here ,

if he's only staying long enough for him to get rent supplements ie he might only need 6 months in the flat .(that's if he's not in employment) .

He's an unmarried father who might or might not be going through the courts for access .

He might only take the child a few hours here and there .

One questioned the type of person he might be but you met and talked to him before selecting him as your flat mate so he can't be that bad .

A friendly chat over a cuppa will allow you to make a more informed decision .

RainyDay

Meathlass wrote: »

It's not a conclusion, it's a scenario. The OP doesn't know yet as she hasn't talked to the tenant but it's a possible scenario.

I don't think that the child will be staying as I'd imagine any tenant would mention this but you never know, people are weird

Indeed, it is a possible scenario. And there nothing wrong with the OP having a chat.

My concern was that the way the OP phrased the issue, it seemed that her problem was with the flatmate having a child (without getting her permission beforehand to have a child) rather than a particular concern about the child being in the apartment.

bucketybuck

RainyDay wrote: »

Indeed, it is a possible scenario. And there nothing wrong with the OP having a chat.

My concern was that the way the OP phrased the issue, it seemed that her problem was with the flatmate having a child (without getting her permission beforehand to have a child) rather than a particular concern about the child being in the apartment.

The problem is that you imagined this, everybody else knew exactly what the OP was asking.

my teapot is orange

I don't know what his rights would be. If you rent a room in a house it's understood that you can have guests from time to time assuming they don't live there. Boyfriends/girlfriends can stay over. I would imagine if you had a little brother/sister who was still a child it would be reasonable to have them occasionally. Is he entitled to have his child over as long as it's not too frequent and not disturbing anyone else?

Mrs OBumble

my teapot is orange wrote: »

Boyfriends/girlfriends can stay over. I would imagine if you had a little brother/sister who was still a child it would be reasonable to have them occasionally. Is he entitled to have his child over as long as it's not too frequent and not disturbing anyone else?

It may be illegal, but I would have no qualms about age discriminating in who my housemates had to stay regularly.

An occasional visit from a child who's 8+ is vastly different from a regular stay from a child who still needs to use a car seat.

Kids, especially babies / toddlers, need to be kids. They scream, throw food, projectile vomit, and have toilet accidents. They have toys that get scattered, and they run around the house. They draw on walls, play with pots and pan, and hide stuff in the house for fun. Part of the deal of being a parent is that you get to deal with this. But it's totally not part of the deal of being a housemate - unless it's discussed and freely agreed beforehand.

IMHO.

RainyDay

bucketybuck wrote: »

The problem is that you imagined this, everybody else knew exactly what the OP was asking.

You seem to have a fairly liberal interpretation of 'everybody else'.

Gatling

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

It may be illegal, but I would have no qualms about age discriminating in who my housemates had to stay regularly.

An occasional visit from a child who's 8+ is vastly different from a regular stay from a child who still needs to use a car seat.

Kids, especially babies / toddlers, need to be kids. They scream, throw food, projectile vomit, and have toilet accidents. They have toys that get scattered, and they run around the house. They draw on walls, play with pots and pan, and hide stuff in the house for fun. Part of the deal of being a parent is that you get to deal with this. But it's totally not part of the deal of being a housemate - unless it's discussed and freely agreed beforehand.

IMHO.

Adults do exactly all the above on a stupidly regular basis too

bucketybuck

Gatling wrote: »

Adults do exactly all the above on a stupidly regular basis too

Your tone throughout this thread has been very strange, just who exactly are you trying to pick a fight with? Why the chip on your shoulder about people pointing that there are issues involved with having an 18 month old baby in your house unannounced?

If you are really going to go off on a tangent about how some adults need their nappies changed or start crying at 6am then I have to wonder if this is the right thread for it?

my teapot is orange

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

It may be illegal, but I would have no qualms about age discriminating in who my housemates had to stay regularly.
.

I don't know if it even is illegal, but if it is you would be fine about breaking the law and willing to take the consequences?

Meathlass

my teapot is orange wrote: »

I don't know if it even is illegal, but if it is you would be fine about breaking the law and willing to take the consequences?

I'd have no hesitation in advertising a house and saying no couples or children.

my teapot is orange

Meathlass wrote: »

I'd have no hesitation in advertising a house and saying no couples or children.

You're not renting to couples or children though. And we're talking about the situation where the tenant hasn't been given advance warning of this restriction on their occasional guests. I don't know if they're entitled to that or if it's even allowed with warning.

Meathlass

my teapot is orange wrote: »

You're not renting to couples or children though.

My point exactly!

While I might be ok with a child spending a few hours in the house on a saturday afternoon, I most definitely wouldn't want them staying overnight.

And you can't equate a child to other guests like partners.

Anyway I feel we're going around in circles here and none of this is helping the OP. Hopefully she will let us know once she's spoken to the tenant.

eviltwin

How can you be sure it's his kid, could it be a godchild, niece or something? It would be very strange if he has a child who would be staying and didn't mention it.

my teapot is orange

Meathlass wrote: »

My point exactly!

While I might be ok with a child spending a few hours in the house on a saturday afternoon, I most definitely wouldn't want them staying overnight.

And you can't equate a child to other guests like partners.

Anyway I feel we're going around in circles here and none of this is helping the OP. Hopefully she will let us know once she's spoken to the tenant.

That's my point. It might not be about what you're ok with. It might come within the tenants rights if it wasn't too frequent and the child was kept out of your way.

It's important to consider that and find out first before deciding what tone to take with the tenant. Is this a polite request or a demand because if the OP gets that one wrong it could backfire.

anncoates

If it was my place and the guy wanted his kid stay over sometimes , I'd let them seeing as he's basically acquiesced to you having your mates crash there but your place, your rules.

Personally this is why I always avoided sharing with owners after a few times. They never seem to want tenants rather lodgers with no real rights to use the space

Meathlass

anncoates wrote: »

If it was my place and the guy wanted his kid stay over sometimes , I'd let them seeing as he's basically acquiesced to you having your mates crash there but your place, your rules.

Personally this is why I always avoided sharing with owners after a few times. They never seem to want tenants rather lodgers with no real rights to use the space

The OP isn't an owner, she's a tenant who's subletting the spare room in the apartment.

I can understand where other people are coming from but I would be very uncomfortable with a child staying regularly.

The_Conductor

Guys- you're all making a mountain out of a molehill here.
OP- you need to sit down and talk to the guy and ascertain the facts of the matter. Until you have further information- you have no reason or cause to take any action whatsoever.

jenningso

In fairness, speaking from experience, having an 18 month child stay over is not going to happen without an awful lot of planning. He wouldn't even attempt it without letting you know, believe me. Kids that age need a cot, high chair, bottles, toys etc. And most of all, routine. So, I wouldn't even worry yourself, there's no such thing as a random sleepover with a child that age. If it did happen, you've a right to nip it in the bud though. Most reasonable people would understand.

pwurple

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

If it's not that, ie if he's the type who is not allowed to have his child(ren) stay overnight with him, I'm not sure that I would want him as a housemate either!

What "type" exactly is that? Modern relationships are a bit more complicated these days. He might have had a one night thing with the mother, never been in a relationship with her, and they go for outings once a month or so. So his "type" would be someone who didn't force a girl to get an abortion with an unplanned pregnancy.

Or are you assuming this guy is a junkie because he isn't playing happy families and got married as soon as he knocked someone up?

Pinkmoon19

RainyDay wrote: »

My concern was that the way the OP phrased the issue, it seemed that her problem was with the flatmate having a child (without getting her permission beforehand to have a child) rather than a particular concern about the child being in the apartment.

Aaaah come on, you can't actually be serious? That was clearly not what I was getting at.

ghogie91

I cant believe you stalked my facebook and posted it on a public forum instead of coming to me about it....

Always number 1

wolfen wrote: »

Aaaah come on, you can't actually be serious? That was clearly not what I was getting at.

Years ago when I lived in a house share we rented a single room to a guy (we were all professional adults, no couples, no pets) and this guy never told us he had an 8 year old son who basically stayed every second weekend. Was up at the crack of dawn on Saturdays and Sundays, blaring the (communal) tv, eating whatever he wanted in the fridge (regardless of who owned it) and running up and down the stairs - total nightmare. I moved out after a few months of this. I know there's a hell of a difference between an 18 month old and an 8 year old but they both have needs to be met which will probably impact on your lifestyle. When you mentioned your mates staying over occasionally, that would have been the ideal time for him to mention it to you if he was planning on having the child staying over. Did he ask if he could have mates over occasionally? I don't think its unreasonable to ask him what his intentions are if indeed he has a child but before you say anything you have to decide if (a) you would have an issue with occasional sleepovers and could ye come up with a suitable arrangement or (b) you would be happy to ask him to leave if the outcome wasnt satisfactory. I am not against kids at all (I have a son myself now) but it is not practical in a house/flat share scenario when the other occupant has a different lifestyle. Good luck OP x

Pinkmoon19

ghogie91 wrote: »

I cant believe you stalked my facebook and posted it on a public forum instead of coming to me about it....

Your location is Athlone, nice try. Don't ruin the thread.

RainyDay

jenningso wrote: »

In fairness, speaking from experience, having an 18 month child stay over is not going to happen without an awful lot of planning. He wouldn't even attempt it without letting you know, believe me. Kids that age need a cot, high chair, bottles, toys etc. And most of all, routine. So, I wouldn't even worry yourself, there's no such thing as a random sleepover with a child that age. If it did happen, you've a right to nip it in the bud though. Most reasonable people would understand.

I've done sleepovers with 1-3 year olds with a travel cot and a nappy bag. It's not hard really.

_Kaiser_

pwurple wrote: »

Note to tenants... I look at the social media of every prospective tenant. It's in the public domain, and is often a very good indication of what they are like.

Note to landlords... While I have a FB account, I don't use it beyond the IM part for staying in touch with people that can't be got in other ways. It's all locked down anyway so won't tell you anything.

It certainly won't tell you that in over a decade of renting, I've never missed or been late with a payment, keep every place I've lived immaculate and indeed better than I got it, and have several happy landlords in my history.

Social media has it's place but the idea that it will tell you what someone is like as a tenant is a fallacy.

indigo twist

Look up my name on Facebook etc, and - even though it's not a particularly common Irish name - you'll get a handful of pages that might or might not be me. The majority have the same location as me, some even look like me. But I've never even met any of the other "me"s. Maybe I don't have a Facebook page at all! You don't know.

It's a really crappy stupid way of filtering potential tenants.

bucketybuck

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

Social media has it's place but the idea that it will tell you what someone is like as a tenant is a fallacy.

indigo twist wrote: »

It's a really crappy stupid way of filtering potential tenants.

Its as big a fallacy to think that there is no value at all in checking somebodies social media profiles. Nobody thinks that it will have records of your rent payments on there, but there may indeed be information that potential landlords may want to take into account.

An obvious example would concern those lads that destroyed that house in San Francisco. A google search for the Facebook page of one of the lads named in that will immediately show you that he was involved in the wrecking of a rental house. I'd sure like to know that if I was considering renting to him.

Its easy to set Facebook to private and chances are a landlord won't get anything from it. But if he can check it and he can see dozens of pictures of the mad-as-fuck house parties you like to throw then you can't blame him for taking that into account.

indigo twist

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its as big a fallacy to think that there is no value at all in checking somebodies social media profiles. Nobody thinks that it will have records of your rent payments on there, but there may indeed be information that potential landlords may want to take into account.

An obvious example would concern those lads that destroyed that house in San Francisco. A google search for the Facebook page of one of the lads named in that will immediately show you that he was involved in the wrecking of a rental house. I'd sure like to know that if I was considering renting to him.

Its easy to set Facebook to private and chances are a landlord won't get anything from it. But if he can check it and he can see dozens of pictures of the mad-as-fuck house parties you like to throw then you can't blame him for taking that into account.

Have you ever logged out of Facebook, logged in from someone else's profile, and looked up yourself? When I do this, there's a silly annoying brunette who (to anyone who doesn't know me, i.e. a potential landlord or employer) could very well be me. It would annoy me if I'd ever missed out on any opportunities because of this!

DoYouEvenLift

pwurple wrote: »

Note to tenants... I look at the social media of every prospective tenant. It's in the public domain, and is often a very good indication of what they are like.

What if you can't find theirs? Or if they don't have social media?