What has therapy done for you....

shoos

I've been considering seeing a therapist for the last couple of years now as I know I have a couple issues that could do with being fixed. For too long I've thought "maybe if I keep a little diary" or "maybe if I just stay in this weekend and have a good think" I'll sort them out, but nope. No improvement. And I don't think there will likely be any improvement without the help of a professional.

My issues revolve around being emotionally unavailable, cold and cutoff. It's only with some people too which makes it very strange. I can't quite explain why but a lot of people that know me, know I run hot and cold like a tap. It's not a nice way to be and I'd love to just be my warm and approachable self but.. all the time.

I would love to hear from any of the ladies on here who have seen someone (no mention of names, per charter) but to know how you got on? In my circle of friends talking about this kind of thing would be a no-go. But I would love to hear about to what extent people were able to sort through messy brains and just got to the root of whatever's going on and dealt with it. Did you change? Can people change? Or is it always an on-going struggle but you just need the right tools?

Snoopy1

Therapy taught me that people shouldnt have to hide mental health issues.

I saw a therapist on and off for 2 years (it was paid for by work). Now i still have days where my brain is just going super crazy, but im better than before. Sometimes its an impartial way of getting things off your chest.

Id reccomend seeing one, and if its not for you , then you can stop.

Semele

I had therapy a couple of years ago, for issues that sound similar to what you're dealing with. My therapist made me look at aspects of my personality that I didn't always like and to acknowledge that they were there. I am now able to recognise when I'm acting in a way that doesn't reflect my true feelings/values/aspirations and correct this. It was uncomfortable and fairly unpleasant at times, but a good therapist will allow a relationship to develop over time before challenging you more to look at the things you are defensive about, so it should always feel safe even when unpleasant.

A basic basic concept in therapy is that the way you are in your outside relationships will come to be played out in the relationship with the therapist (different therapeutic modalities have different terms for this). One of the roles of the therapist is to mirror this back to you and help you explore how what happens in the therapeutic relationship relates to your difficulties in your outside life. I thought I was pretty self aware before starting therapy and that I knew what all my issues were, but I still learned things about myself that I hadn't been aware of! Therapy "works" through two main components- the task, which is the stuff you bring to talk about (the reasons for coming, the background factors etc), and the process, which is the real-time, examined, relationship between you and your therapist

In my normal relationships it was easy to brush off feedback from others about how emotionally distant I could be- I would see it as something they were saying in the heat of an argument, or see it as being a sign of their neediness- anything to not have to own it! My responses often entirely confirmed what they had said, but my justification for that would be that I was acting this way because they had caused the situation through being needy/critical/wrong....etc. However, having my therapist gently and empathetically point out that at times I did seem very distant, forced me to recognise it. I couldn't blame her for it- she had no investment in me and was a neutral, disinterested party. There were no distracting contextual factors, such as a romantic relationship or an argument...it was just me in a room with my feelings (or lack thereof, as the case may be!). No escape.

It made me recognise that yes, I was very disengaged from how I felt at times, and for someone who considered themself to be emotionally literate it was actually a huge shock to see the extent of my blind spots and to realise there were many occasions where I was acting on the basis of emotions that weren't consciously available to me. Working out what those hidden feelings were was and is an ongoing process, but it has brought about a greater ability for me to be open and to take risks emotionally. I can see the difference in how others relate to me at these times, and how I was pushing people away without realising it in the past.

It took me two tries to find a therapist I was comfortable with. I just didn't click with the first one and found the whole process overwhelming. In saying that, there were many times when I felt negatively towards my therapist, but she encouraged me to tell her, so that we could work out why she was provoking that reaction in me and use it. Although often hard and upsetting, there were times when therapy felt indulgent and intellectually enjoyable! It really is an investment in yourself and I wouldn't hesitate to go again if it felt necessary.

I'm almost a qualified clinical psychologist myself, and my experience of personal therapy has also made me a better clinician, both in terms of the increased self awareness I have and the first hand understanding of what it feels like to be a client in that environment.

shalalala

I have been to a few councillors in my time. They have taught be how best to deal with certain situations, I used to suffer from panic attacks, how not to beat myself up and how to deal with my feelings.

I can honestly say I wouldn't be the person I am today without counselling. I am not even sure if I would still be here tbh.

I am also now very open with my feelings and thoughts. Things get bigger if I don't vocalise. Also my friends and family know what to look for when I get down.

I would say give it a try op!

Corkgirl210

therapy has given me back my emotions, my self awareness & allows me to have a greater depth of understanding, freedom, acceptance, love and compassion for self and others..

I would highly recommend it to anyone.. we all have trauma.. whether we are conscious of it or not!! my advice would be to do group therapy.. this is like doing therapy but at warp speed! You get the blessings of everyones experiences as well as your own..

Ave Sodalis

I've been going for a few weeks now and I haven't gotten very far. I hate telling people anything and I really hate crying so I've learned to bottle things unconsciously. I started getting weirdly angry at everyone a few months ago and I knew I had to get it sorted out, before it affected close relationships but the anger has died down now itself and I find myself just talking about random stuff with the therapist, rather than any issues. I'm pretty self aware so everything she's been telling me about anger, I already know. I'm also fairly sure I know the cause but I think it'll be a long long time before I open up about it. Sounds a bit stupid but that's just a bad habit that's part of who I am. I've become an expert at avoiding talking about me and my problems that now I do it without any effort. It's probably completely counterproductive but I just can't do it.

Wompa1

It taught me that therapy is only good for certain people who need affirmation. If what you want is somebody to listen and agree with whatever you think or feel. It's worth while.

If you want somebody who helps you think through things critically...no luck. It's about you working through things and them basically acting as a squatter (like in the gym) egging you to continue on down that line of thinking.

Maybe go 3 or 4 times, if you feel the same as me then you'll probably realize you can do that on your own

Greenduck

Wompa1 wrote: »

It taught me that therapy is only good for certain people who need affirmation. If what you want is somebody to listen and agree with whatever you think or feel. It's worth while.

If you want somebody who helps you think through things critically...no luck. It's about you working through things and them basically acting as a squatter (like in the gym) egging you to continue on down that line of thinking.

Maybe go 3 or 4 times, if you feel the same as me then you'll probably realize you can do that on your own

Sounds like you went to the wrong person. Every therapist is completely different and will work in different ways. There will be varying levels of empathy, understanding and process. Some will use a gentle approach, some will use a direct approach. Depends on what you want. Some people need sympathy and understanding at a deep level. For example for someone who is very vulnerable and has suicidal intentions, you wouldn't go guns blazing questioning them and being a tough nut.

There are certainly therapists out there that will challenge you, you just need to fit the right fit I think!

Macavity.

Sweet fuck all. If anything I've regressed.

larrymickdick

The first time I went I was very heightened emotionally. There was a lot going on in my life at the time (my sister had been diagnosed for the second time with cancer, a person very close to me had died, I had a just moved and I had a lot of issues with an ex). I found that I was trying to please my councillor, looking for her approval, rather than getting any help from her. She wasn't very good. So I left.

Fast track 4 years later, all the issues that I wanted to get resolved were still there but amplified by a really bad relationship. I had completely lost sight of who I was, found it hard to go through a day without crying, had no self-esteem, no identity. I didn't know what I wanted, had turned into a people pleaser, and I was very passive aggressive and controlling. (which I only realised after therapy)

I wanted to be able to make choices and do what I wanted without apologising for it. I wanted to process the year and half terrible relationship I had come out of. I wanted to find a way to be happy to be myself. I wanted to stop the constant panic attacks I was having, and figure out how to deal with the stresses in my life.

I started going to a man, who I found easier to talk to than the woman I saw before. I treated it like educating myself, about myself. A new learning experience with me as the subject. I looked up articles online the were relevant to the problems I was having. I tried to find ways to make myself feel better. I read books and talked about them with my counsellor. He was very encouraging, and told me that I should be gentle with myself and be kinder to myself.

All the amazing things I would do for others - where I would go above and beyond for them, I needed to start doing that for myself. I started out by seeing him every week but slowly over time the dwindled down to every fortnight until I decided to stop going. The issues I was having when I started I was able to deal with myself. If I need head space now I take time out and write down what is going on.

On the whole it helped me function better as person. All my friends have noticed a huge difference in me and I have never been happier. A lot of my friends went to conselling after me too. I think everyone should see a therapist at some point in their lives, I think it helps to broaden your outlook on life and helps you to understand people better.

Sometimes it is easier to discuss your problems with someone who has no vested interest, you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings about something going on and you can voice your honest true feelings. I used to tailor what was going on for certain friends, you would have to talk to certain people about certain things. And if you offend your friends with something, they will always be there - you can't rid of a perception they have of you.

I would highly recommend it.

Semele

Greenduck wrote: »

Sounds like you went to the wrong person. Every therapist is completely different and will work in different ways. There will be varying levels of empathy, understanding and process.

Yep, definitely. I also think a real problem is that most people dont fully understand the differences between psychologists, psychotherapists and counsellors, and assume they are all the same. Even on here people are mentioning having counselling from a psychologist (for example), which is a conflation of two different things. There is nothing wrong with not understanding the difference- it isn't always made clear and it may seem vague to anyone who hasn't had much experience of the whole field.

A clinical or counselling psychologist has a minimum of a doctoral level training and strict professional regulation. They are trained in multiple therapeutic modalities and can use them integratively, although some go on to specialise in one in particular.

Psychotherapists, who are usually trained in one therapeutic modality, are a much more varied bunch. Most are excellent and reputable, but there are a huge number of therapy training programmes of varying quality in existence. The psychotherapy regulatory bodies have failed to fully address the issue of minimum standards for qualification/registration, although there is much more recognition recently of the need for this.

Counsellors have a qualification in counselling, which differs from formal psychotherapy in that its role is primarily supportive and there tends not to be a therapeutic model per se. Counselling is essentially the "common factors" underlying all therapeutic approaches. Again, many counsellors are fabulous and this is an approach that works well for some people, however this profession is also horrendously underregulated.

Across all three professions, there will of course be people who are better and worse at what they do, but a large part of the success of therapy is ensuring that the model fits you and the complexity of your needs. If you're considering therapy, do your homework first and don't be afraid to ask questions. Often a first appointment is free, or you can have a telephone consultation with someone before committing to therapy. Find out what their job actually is, who they're registered with and what training they have. Find out what model of therapy they use (and read about it yourself to see what you think) and don't be afraid to ask if they have worked much with people who have had similar issues to you. Any reputable therapist will be happy to answer these questions- the Psychology forum here also has a sticky with other useful things to think about when considering therapy/choosing a therapist.

Sorry for the length of this, but I always think its a shame when someone doesn't find the type of help they were looking for and isn't aware that alternatives exist! Therapy is a very broad field and what works for one person won't for another, so don't be discouraged if you've had an underwhelming experience. Just make sure you know what you're paying for to minimise the chances of this!

LegacyUser

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. This parent did eventually go to a treatment center and did get sober but sadly died a few years later through health complications that were originally caused by the alcoholism.
I am in a very long term relationship with a man who is also an alcoholic.
I have tried a million things to try to help him but I know now nothing works.
I want out but can't seem to find the ability to finish things.
We have no kids, and I never will have either but lots of other factors mainly loving him so much keep me there.
It sounds so simple to say just leave him, I would say the same to a friend.
I think there's something mentally wrong with me that I just can't break that bond and leave!
Wtf is wrong with me?!

I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting next week.
I'm just wondering in what way it could help me though.
Is Al Anon worth going to if you already know the following things?:
*I know I'm not alone
*I know I can't change him
*I know I can't control his actions only my own
*I know my forgive and forget behavior only enables his drinking
*I know if I ever want happiness I need to leave

If I already know all of these things yet still haven't been able to leave him, will Al-Anon be any good to me at all?
I fear he will die from drink and end up in criminal trouble if I kick him out, he could also start a lot of hassle for me. I know that I'm trying to "control" the situation by keeping him safe and managing to at least limit some of his drinking binges, and I also know that I have to stop doing this because ultimately he is in control of himself.
But I just can't seem to stop myself.

Every logical cell in my body screams at me that he will never change unless he wants to himself, and that I can't fix him, and that I'm wasting my life with him. If I know this then why can't I leave. I repeat again, wtf is wrong with me?!!!
I have a feeling it is because I managed to help my parent through their addiction treatment and they got sober, and I could never give up on them so I keep trying again and again to help him like I did with my parent.
I love this man so much that a part of me will hate myself if I give up on him. I don't know if I could live with myself if I give up on him and he then worsens and dies or ends up in a really bad situation.

Even knowing that if this happens it is his own fault and that I can't control him, it doesn't stop me feeling and thinking this way.
Can Al-Anon still help if you go to your first meeting already knowing these things?
Can they help you get rid of the feelings of fear and make you want to just stop trying to change a person and give you the courage to leave? Could they help me deal with aftermath of kicking him out?

I would really love some feedback from people who have experience with Al-Anon please.

Vojera

I was seeing a social worker/counsellor for years (I was a minor so I was made go) and I felt that all that did for me was to keep me in a cycle of sorrow. The woman I saw, I later realised, wasn't especially good and I was able to run rings around her. To me it was a game and I thought it was funny that she never got through to my real issues.

Fast forward a few years and I attended a therapist who did CBT with me and I knew she would be good for me when she called me out on my crap and wouldn't let me away with the stuff the previous woman did :pac:

So in my case, I would say that just talking was of no benefit to me, but a directed therapy like CBT was absolutely fantastic. I learned a lot about myself and changing my thought processes and it has really made me appreciate that I can't change the behaviour of other people, but I can change how I react to it. It was a bit weird getting "homework", but it definitely gave me a good set of tools for being more able to express myself.

Yarf Yarf

Honestly, it didn't do much for me. I think therapy has a great way of making people rather self-involved. In my experience, you tell your therapist even the tiniest problem and it gets turned into an "issue" that needs to be analysed. I understand that a lot of people have things on their chest that they need to work through, but I just think it sometimes makes you think that every problem you have, no matter how small, is worth talking about and analysing. I quit going a few months ago. I feel like I got a couple of things off my chest, but beyond that, I was just making mountains out of molehills.

lukesmom

I've been seeing a psychologist for 8 months. He has helped me enormously with my anxiety disorder. He has also helped me to deal with the grief of losing my brother and other situations in my life that can overwhelm me. I used to think I'd never want to go to a therapist but now I don't know what id do without him. He's exceptionally good at what he does. I started seeing a lady first in the same practise but I knew I wasn't going to get far with her, we just didn't click even though I'm sure she's great at her profession. I 100% recommend therapy.

LegacyUser

MyFirstStep wrote: »

I grew up with an alcoholic parent. This parent did eventually go to a treatment center and did get sober but sadly died a few years later through health complications that were originally caused by the alcoholism.
I am in a very long term relationship with a man who is also an alcoholic.
I have tried a million things to try to help him but I know now nothing works.
I want out but can't seem to find the ability to finish things.
We have no kids, and I never will have either but lots of other factors mainly loving him so much keep me there.
It sounds so simple to say just leave him, I would say the same to a friend.
I think there's something mentally wrong with me that I just can't break that bond and leave!
Wtf is wrong with me?!

I am going to go to my first Al-Anon meeting next week.
I'm just wondering in what way it could help me though.
Is Al Anon worth going to if you already know the following things?:
*I know I'm not alone
*I know I can't change him
*I know I can't control his actions only my own
*I know my forgive and forget behavior only enables his drinking
*I know if I ever want happiness I need to leave

If I already know all of these things yet still haven't been able to leave him, will Al-Anon be any good to me at all?
I fear he will die from drink and end up in criminal trouble if I kick him out, he could also start a lot of hassle for me. I know that I'm trying to "control" the situation by keeping him safe and managing to at least limit some of his drinking binges, and I also know that I have to stop doing this because ultimately he is in control of himself.
But I just can't seem to stop myself.

Every logical cell in my body screams at me that he will never change unless he wants to himself, and that I can't fix him, and that I'm wasting my life with him. If I know this then why can't I leave. I repeat again, wtf is wrong with me?!!!
I have a feeling it is because I managed to help my parent through their addiction treatment and they got sober, and I could never give up on them so I keep trying again and again to help him like I did with my parent.
I love this man so much that a part of me will hate myself if I give up on him. I don't know if I could live with myself if I give up on him and he then worsens and dies or ends up in a really bad situation.

Even knowing that if this happens it is his own fault and that I can't control him, it doesn't stop me feeling and thinking this way.
Can Al-Anon still help if you go to your first meeting already knowing these things?
Can they help you get rid of the feelings of fear and make you want to just stop trying to change a person and give you the courage to leave? Could they help me deal with aftermath of kicking him out?

I would really love some feedback from people who have experience with Al-Anon please.

Yes, Alanon can help with all of the things you ask.

The main thing that it does is that it helps you to put the focus back on yourself. It helps build your self esteem. It also gives you the tools to deal with the situation that you are in.

Many people choose to stay in the situation but they learn how to cope. Sometimes their changed behaviour ends up changing the situation. Many people choose to leave. There is tons of support no matter what you choose, both practical and emotional support.

My father was an alcoholic. I was a right mess when I finally found Alanon. It really helped me.

The most important thing to bring to an Alanon meeting is an open mind. Every meeting is different. Its a gentle program, you dont go and suddenly everything is better, you go and you learn, you share, you get support, you get to understand what is happening, why it is happening, what your options are, what other people have done etc..

For me the best part was just being able to talk through all the horrible stuff with people who actually understood what I was talking about. I wanted to kill my father and I could say that aloud in Alanon without judgement. I was very very angry and had neglected both my physical and mental health due to living with alcoholism. And I hadnt realised that my upbringing had had such a negative effect on me and that I had many issues to deal with that were MY issues. It was hard sometimes, like being under a microscope. I learned that my conflict resolution skills were very bad - I was an expert at walking away instead of dealing with things. Thats how conflict was resolved in my house, silent treatment then pretend nothing had happened when sober. Thats just one example, I had lots of issues - that I still continue to work on today.

I wish you all the best, you are doing a great thing for yourself to go and get the help you need.

Peacemaker

The therapist you see makes a difference. Also, your own level of commitment to the work plays a major part in the effectiveness of therapy. I would suggest you see someone who is accredited or pre-accredited by a reputable body such as iahip or iacp in order to maximise your chances of finding a good fit for you.

Jenneke87

It did nothing for me except show that the therapeutic field has no idea how to deal with women who had(multiple) abortions. The lack of understanding was an eye opener and just confirmes that if you had an abortion, let alone more than one, your a horrible, horrible person and you did it to yourself. Best to just deal with it as best as you can.

lukesmom

Jenneke87 wrote: »

It did nothing for me except show that the therapeutic field has no idea how to deal with women who had(multiple) abortions. The lack of understanding was an eye opener and just confirmes that if you had an abortion, let alone more than one, your a horrible, horrible person and you did it to yourself. Best to just deal with it as best as you can.

That is a sensitive subject and I imagine can cause guilt, regret and sadness at other people's opinions. I'd have thought there would be specialist counselling for those who had an abortion. Your not a horrible person. Nothing is ever that black and white.