problems in relationship

LegacyUser

Howdy all,

Getting this of my chest otherwise I''ll go mad!

Going anonymous for a few reasons, mainly privacy ones. So a bit of background: I'm 25 and my boyfriend is a bit older, about four years between us. we're in a medium to long distance relationship

The problem is to do with his past, he has being cheated on by ex girlfriends and it's affected him in a pretty major way. It's also affecting our relationship . He gets these bouts of paranoia where he freaks out about guys liking me ( for example I was thinking of taking an opportunity career wise) and he freaked out about guys liking me and making a move on me. which i wouldn't respond to at all cos I love him to bits! I also mistakenly told him about my boards username and he has been reading my posts ( is that just me or is that a bit unnerving) I found out about it a few weeks ago, changed my name and told him I didn't want him reading any more. He agreed and I hope he's struck to it!

Any ideas how I can help him/improve the siltation

Thanks in advance

Penny Tration

Wow.

We've all had bad experiences in relationships, and loads of us have been cheated on. That's absolutely no excuse not to trust you.

Have you asked him why he doesn't trust you? 'i trust you, i just don't trust them' is a cop out. It takes two to cheat.

As for reading your boards posts, that's downright creepy. Are you not allowed any privacy?

Has he ever engaged with a professional to actually deal with his issues?

Until he does, I don't understand how you can spend another 4 years with someone who doesn't trust you.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

while your partner has been through a raw deal in terms of his past relationships (I've been in his situation and it isn't a pleasant way to feel), that doesn't give him carte blanche to invade your privacy and generally treat you as if you have one foot out the door until you prove otherwise. Personally I think that he should count himself lucky that you have given him a second chance, and while I don't usually like to use counselling as the catch-all answer for every relationship problem, I genuinely think that your boyfriend may benefit from some. Changing usernames, email and social media passwords is all well and good, but that only treats the symptom and does nothing towards changing how he feels. By the sounds of it, he hasn't managed to deal with his past relationship at all, to the point where it's now affecting his current relationship with you, and talking it out with someone who can help him see past that may be what he needs. IT may also be possible that you go with him, at least for the first session, so that he can get a sense of how much it's affecting you too.

tinz18

It really sounds like your boyfriend may need some professional counselling to get over his issues- its not fair on you to have to deal with the consequences of someone elses past actions. My boyfriend has had the same dating history as yours has- every single LTR he had ended up with him being cheated on. However, he doesn't use that as an excuse to not trust me and encroach on my privacy. Yes, at the start he was always talking like I would leave him at the drop of the hat but as time went on I forced him to drop that mentality- it wears on your own insecurities and self-esteem having someone constantly question how trustworthy you are. May I ask how long have ye been dating and was it always medium/long distance?

Barely There

green_screen wrote: »

Wow.


As for reading your boards posts, that's downright creepy. Are you not allowed any privacy?

mike_ie wrote: »

Hi OP,

that doesn't give him carte blanche to invade your privacy

tinz18 wrote: »

However, he doesn't use that as an excuse to not trust me and encroach on my privacy.

How is reading someone's Board's posts encroaching on their privacy?

It's not like private emails or text messages - it's a public message board.

tinz18

There's a reason people use usernames and not their actual full names...I'm sure there's plenty of posters here that wouldn't post if it wasn't somewhat anonymous. Its public but at the same time there's an element of privacy in that unless people know your username you should be unidentifiable.

shalalala

Your boyfriend needs to deal with his old issues before you move on. Trust me, from experience, if he doesn't deal with his issues, you will pay for it in the future with your relationship.

You cannot do anything to make this relationship run smoother because you have done nothing wrong. Other girls in his past have. OP, if I were you I would step back, tell him to sort out his issues and when he is done let him know that you MIGHT still be available.

Good luckx

LegacyUser

Hi folks, op here

Thanks for all your replies so far, it's a relief to know that it's not just me that thinks that is a major problem, it's been bothering me far more than I can admit online. Just as well I have lots of patience!

@ tinz18, we've been dating just over two years and always been a medium/long distance relationship.

@ Green_screen I asked him why he doesn't trust me and he says it's down to his past, he's scared half to death that it'll happen all over again, and this was why he was reading my posts ( to check up on me) or part of the reason. He also has my fb profile up on his screen when we're chatting on the little box on facebook. I think it's very creepy as well. I agree with you on the privacy, it seems the only bit of it I have is my phone and what i do with myself during the week ( we normally see each other at the end of the week).
As for seeing a profession, he did see someone for 2 years, before he met me. Might try to encourage him to go again, think he would benefit from it

tinz18

Hi OP,
I would say definitely encourage him to go back- for a lot of people counselling isn't a case of a few sessions and their fixed- their problems can flare up at any time to any trigger. Long distance relationships can be hard with someone who's got the case of the jitters but hopefully if he's willing to work on it and go back to counselling it'll ease off. At least he acknowledges there's a problem! Could you say to him the checking up on you online is beginning to give you the creeps? If he's so anxious about the relationship his logic might be skewed and he'll need to be put straight on boundaries.

CaraMay

worried260 wrote: »

I asked him why he doesn't trust me and he says it's down to his past

Well until he had left the past in the past he shouldn't have gotten into a new relationship.

worried260 wrote: »

he's scared half to death that it'll happen all over again, and this was why he was reading my posts ( to check up on me) or part of the reason.

Absolute twaddle. This guy has serious issues and is dragging these issues into your life. He is being so manipulative by playing the poor me mouth while invading your privacy.

worried260 wrote: »

He also has my fb profile up on his screen when we're chatting on the little box on facebook.

I don't see why this is weird?

Bottom line op, he is blaming his ex's for his issues. He shouldn't have gotten into a relationship if he wasn't at peace with his past. All that's happening you now is that he is dragging you down and into a scenario where you can never prove yourself. How you prove you aren't doing something?

He needs help and he needs to be single to get it so he doesn't drag you further into this unhealthy spiral.

LegacyUser

thanks for replying folks, will try to encourage him to try again. Think it's good he knows there's a problem, least he admits it! hard thing to do. I've told him about the online creepiness, he's not reading my posts on boards any more - or at least I hope he's kept to his word. If I find out he hasn't I'll freaking kill him :P
As for facebook, I'll be seeing him this weekend hopefully so hope to have a chat about it and explain why and encourage him to go for the professional help

@ Caramay@ you are so right, he's bringing me down and the whole thing is in general. About the whole proving myself, hit the nail on the head, I have no way, apart from telling him what I'm doing and sometimes skypeing him, but you're right.
The facebook thing: I don't know, I just use the home page when talking to someone so maybe that's just me........could be other people doing it as well. Just struck me as being a bit odd.

CaraMay

worried260 wrote: »

thanks for replying folks, will try to encourage him to try again. Think it's good he knows there's a problem, least he admits it! hard thing to do. I've told him about the online creepiness, he's not reading my posts on boards any more - or at least I hope he's kept to his word. If I find out he hasn't I'll freaking kill him :P
As for facebook, I'll be seeing him this weekend hopefully so hope to have a chat about it and explain why and encourage him to go for the professional help

@ Caramay@ you are so right, he's bringing me down and the whole thing is in general. About the whole proving myself, hit the nail on the head, I have no way, apart from telling him what I'm doing and sometimes skypeing him, but you're right.
The facebook thing: I don't know, I just use the home page when talking to someone so maybe that's just me........could be other people doing it as well. Just struck me as being a bit odd.

Look op I'm a lot older than you but ill throw my 2c in anyway... You are only with him 2 years, it's semi long distance and you are only 25. There are tons of really sound guys out there who won't put you through this. You are too young IMHO to be with a guy who needs counselling to act normal in a relationship. Self esteem issues like this are hard to cure, he s already dragging you down so how many years more are you going to spend on this guy?

LegacyUser

I would bet good money he's going through your phone every chance he gets too.

Change your Facebook password too. No doubt he's looking at it constantly, obsessing over every time you "like" a post.

No good can come of this paranoia.

keane2097

This guy needs a serious kick in the backside.

OP is being branded as a cheater-in-waiting who needs to be watched like a hawk in order to ensure her fidelity because of the flaws of two other characters. This is not good enough.

OP's partner was a victim at a point in the past, but instead of sorting himself out has become a complete villain. Only victim now is the OP who should be utterly outraged at the boyfriends invasions of her privacy and at what a shoddy character he is essentially suggesting she is.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here

can I ask, what's a cheater in waiting? he's waiting for me to cheat?

Ok so, my head is a total mess right now, I love him and I'd hate to break his heart, but at the same time how I would phrase to end things or come back to me when you're sorted out your issues, I'm useless at these things

Got some major decisions to make

LegacyUser

sorry about the name, not used to posting unregistered and I haven't had a lot of sleep

keane2097

11950 wrote: »

Hi, OP here

can I ask, what's a cheater in waiting? he's waiting for me to cheat?

Ok so, my head is a total mess right now, I love him and I'd hate to break his heart, but at the same time how I would phrase to end things or come back to me when you're sorted out your issues, I'm useless at these things

Got some major decisions to make

Yeah sorry, what I mean is he's treating you like the sort of person who is only being faithful because he's watching you like a hawk.

His opinion of you is that as soon as you don't have him looking over your shoulder you'll be hopping into bed with some random lad.

No matter what excuses he hides behind, this is a really bad way to behave towards someone. He needs to change his attitude because he is blaming his ex for his own ongoing terrible behaviour.

He needs to be told immediately that this is not a problem with his previous girlfriends, with his current girlfriend or with women in general, this is a problem with himself. You should not be willing to be acted out against because he has issues.

EDIT:-

I'm coming across fairly harshly probably. I don't think you automatically need to give him the bullet and could imagine him being a great guy when you are both together etc., but this is an attitude adjustment he really needs to make for his own sake as well as yours.

He is not a victim in your relationship, but you sort of are - hopefully he'll see that and take steps to fix that.

CaraMay

11950 wrote: »

I love him and I'd hate to break his heart, but at the same time how I would phrase to end things or come back to me when you're sorted out your issues

Op you need to think about how it makes YOU feel? How do his accusations and actions make YOU feel? As I said before, you cant prove something isn't happening. How much is this impacting on you?

CaraMay

keane2097 wrote: »

Yeah sorry, what I mean is he's treating you like the sort of person who is only being faithful because he's watching you like a hawk.

His opinion of you is that as soon as you don't have him looking over your shoulder you'll be hopping into bed with some random lad.

No matter what excuses he hides behind, this is a really bad way to behave towards someone. He needs to change his attitude because he is blaming his ex for his own ongoing terrible behaviour.

He needs to be told immediately that this is not a problem with his previous girlfriends, with his current girlfriend or with women in general, this is a problem with himself. You should not be willing to be acted out against because he has issues.

EDIT:-

I'm coming across fairly harshly probably. I don't think you automatically need to give him the bullet and could imagine him being a great guy when you are both together etc., but this is an attitude adjustment he really needs to make for his own sake as well as yours.

Exactly right. He is blaming others for his very bad behaviour.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for explaining that keane2097, no worries on being harsh, you're being very honest ( all of you are) and I really appreciative that

@ CaraMay: When he freaks out etc I feel very stressed, and upset, and it gets me down at times. Minus this issue and another issue ( long story!) we seem to get on well and feel the same about one other

CaraMay

It seems like a lot of hard work op

DukeOfTheSharp

This seems incredibly complicated, but I'll throw in my lot: some of this guy's previous relationships ended due to cheating. I get his apprehension, for god's sake I've been there. But he can control the impulses and trust you. It's difficult as hell and the paranoia creeps in at the worst times.

Honestly it just seems overly complicated and he's gotten to that point where he ends up sabotaging himself. But, and I have to add this: this doesn't happen out of the blue in my experience. To set something like this off (and this is a really, really bad case), something has to change drastically enough in someone's life that it sets them into a panic, because change in a relationship (out of the blue) can be a sign that something is wrong. Talking about your 'opportunity' at work, would this mean more hours and/or less time to spend with him? I mean, this is a sort of long distance thing and that'd sort of spike the paranoia. I'm not condoning what he's doing, far from it, but his actions smack of a desperation triggered by something that vaguely resembles what he's gone through, and unfortunately now he's not get the reassurance necessary to brush this all off. When you say that he gets worried guys would take an interest in you and make a move on you, you said you don't respond? Is that a constant thing? As in, he mentions he's concerned and you avoid discussing it entirely?

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here

aye CaraMay, it is a lot of work at times

@ duke: aye it is a rather complicated situation. The opportunity would mean more hours working from home and less time to talk to him. Part of the description of the opportunity would possibly mean travelling as well which kind of sparked the whole guys liking me conversation ( writing up articles for a website and going to events such as plays, films etc, and writing about them afterwards). Not sure how regular that travelling would be.
Yes the whole guys liking me thing is a constant thing, we have the conversation every few weeks, when we have it I try to be as patient as i can be and acknowledge his concern, and tell him I love him and wouldn't go off with another guy. This is my first relationship so a bit clueless as how to reassure him of his worries etc

What I mean about I don't respond ( about guys making a move on me) is that if it did happen I wouldn't respond back to the guy's actions, and basically tell him where to go!

CaraMay

Op I think the crux of all this is that you are never going to be able to reassure him enough because the worries he has are not fixable without therapy. It's also not rational and tbh is outside your ability to fix through reassurance. This guy will continue to get worse if he doesn't get help.

Please tell me you won't be turning down good work opportunities because of his insecurities?

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I think the crux of all this is that you are never going to be able to reassure him enough because the worries he has are not fixable without therapy. It's also not rational and tbh is outside your ability to fix through reassurance. This guy will continue to get worse if he doesn't get help.

Please tell me you won't be turning down good work opportunities because of his insecurities?

Thanks, I'll be seeing him this weekend so hope to talk it over with him

No I don't intend to, can be pretty determined at times. I'm a writer but not used to writing up things for a website so I'm gonna send them a piece of my writing and sure as hell try my best and see where it leads me. Also starting a long distance psychology course soon so be very busy for the next 6 months!

tinz18

worried260 wrote: »

Yes the whole guys liking me thing is a constant thing, we have the conversation every few weeks, when we have it I try to be as patient as i can be and acknowledge his concern, and tell him I love him and wouldn't go off with another guy. This is my first relationship so a bit clueless as how to reassure him of his worries etc

Hi OP, have you tried turning it back on him i.e. ask him what he'd do in that situation and when he tells you the same thing you'd say point out that you trust him that you expect him to afford you the same trust. It must be exhausting for you to constantly be reassuring him- definitely don't let it affect your career prospects!

CaraMay

Exactly op turn it back on him. You will often see in here op that people who are obsessed with their partners cheating are often the ones playing away (or planning to). Say this to him. Say that he is constantly thinking if you cheating and ask if he is projecting his own actions on you. Whet he is going is not normal and, if I'm to be honest, I would wonder if it is just to do with his ex's.

tinz18

CaraMay wrote: »

Exactly op turn it back on him. You will often see in here op that people who are obsessed with their partners cheating are often the ones playing away (or planning to). Say this to him. Say that he is constantly thinking if you cheating and ask if he is projecting his own actions on you. Whet he is going is not normal and, if I'm to be honest, I would wonder if it is just to do with his ex's.

I was thinking the same about the projecting but kept my mouth shut for fear of planting paranoia in the OPs mind. It's definitely not normal behavior but having suffered from anxiety myself I know how easy it is for the paranoia to creep in (its why I'm playing devil's advocate)- however I never ever would let it cause me to, what is essentially, spy on/stalk my boyfriend, it's up to him to control it and not make you feel like you've got something to prove.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Haven't said that to him, will do at the weekend and try not to worry in the meantime. Thanks for your replies so far won't let it effect my carers options

DukeOfTheSharp

worried260 wrote: »

Hi, OP here

aye CaraMay, it is a lot of work at times

@ duke: aye it is a rather complicated situation. The opportunity would mean more hours working from home and less time to talk to him. Part of the description of the opportunity would possibly mean travelling as well which kind of sparked the whole guys liking me conversation ( writing up articles for a website and going to events such as plays, films etc, and writing about them afterwards). Not sure how regular that travelling would be.
Yes the whole guys liking me thing is a constant thing, we have the conversation every few weeks, when we have it I try to be as patient as i can be and acknowledge his concern, and tell him I love him and wouldn't go off with another guy. This is my first relationship so a bit clueless as how to reassure him of his worries etc

What I mean about I don't respond ( about guys making a move on me) is that if it did happen I wouldn't respond back to the guy's actions, and basically tell him where to go!

Ah right, now that makes sense. Ok, so working from home and travelling to places would take up some time, but it doesn't mean you two wouldn't see each other, and all that'd be is an adjustment. First relationships are kind of always like this, it's mostly a trial and error job In all honesty, his problems are well beyond anything I've ever experienced, and I agree with the people calling for him to go back to therapy - he really needs it because he's not handling this well at all.

I think he has an underlying paranoia that doesn't actually adhere to logic. For example: you've a new job where you'd be working more hours from home, and he's worried that when you're out doing your job, you'll get hit on by guys - who you've no interest in and have said so on more than one occasion. Advise him to go to therapy, because he's pushing you away by constantly worrying if you're cheating or not. Just remember that at the end of the day, you're not tied to him for life, and the best thing - if all else fails - may be to leave him, and that might shake him enough to get his head together.

LegacyUser

having a serious chat about things tomorrow, sort of have a 'bad' feeling

CaraMay

worried260 wrote: »

having a serious chat about things tomorrow, sort of have a 'bad' feeling

Who initiated the chat?

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Who initiated the chat?

posted earlier but not sure if my post came through I initiated the chat..we were talking about the weekend and he reminded me that he wouldn't be up for going out, since he's not well at the moment. I said that was ok and that we'd relax and chat, and told him I needed to talk to him about things. I didn't say exactly what it was about but he asked what was the subject and told him it was about us. He said that was ok and he agreed we needed to talk to see how the relationship was going. He wasn't himself all evening ( could be down to not being well) have a 'gut' feeling that's it's make or break for us as we haven't slept together for 6 months and haven't seen a lot of each other recently. Could be me over thinking though

We'll see what the weekend brings...

CaraMay

I have to ask op. If he isn't sleeping with you could he be sleeping with someone else?

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

I have to ask op. If he isn't sleeping with you could he be sleeping with someone else?

i really don't know..I guess it's possible since our relationship isn't exactly going the best and anything can happen/change, slightly less chance as he has asperger's ( we both do in fact). Haven't seen any female names pop up on his phone and isn't really protective of it ( the phone). It's anyone's guess really!

Typer Monkey

Why haven't you slept together for 6 months OP? You're only young so it seems off that the intimacy is already gone. Relationships should enhance your life. It seems like this one isn't much fun anymore? Life is too short OP

LegacyUser

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Why haven't you slept together for 6 months OP? You're only young so it seems off that the intimacy is already gone. Relationships should enhance your life. It seems like this one isn't much fun anymore? Life is too short OP

mostly down to a situation that happened very close to when it was our 1st year together. I got sick with an STI very out of the blue. It was quite severe and I was hospitalised for 4 days. When I was sick there was questions about cheating, he told me he didn't and I didn't either so we put it down to a mouth ulcer that he had shortly before I got sick ( makes sense with my diagnosis). It took a while for me to heal physically and emotionally I was scared to sleep with him afterwards in case it happened again. We've got ourselves into this catch 22 situation where we tried to sleep together, we'd set the scene as relaxed as we could. Only when we got down to it, I seemed to tense up, and then I experienced pain, which led to me not being able to stand the pain, and not being able to continue. And then I don't want to sleep with him cos the pain puts me off it. Complicated situation much?!

Then he'd get frustrated and annoyed with me. Haven't tried lately as he's been unwell, I also got sick so we haven't seen each other since the middle of September, which is quite a while. No doesn't seem to be fun any more in all honestly.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here

So things didn't exactly go to plan last weekend, a last minute problem came up on the day I was to see him ( he lives at home and his folks were away so they couldn't pick me up when I arrived from the bus place) so didn't get to see him. Hoping to have better luck this weekend, going to see him, one way or the other. I've been doing a lot of thinking and pretty much decided on what to do, cos i can't continue doing this and live is too short.