"You are my whole world"

XxMCRxBabyxX

Ladies, just wondering if I'm just come about this or if others agree with me? I was reading this story and found myself disagreeing with the tone it was going and the whole idea that an OH has to be your whole world and you can't survive without them. Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't be devastated if something happened to my OH, I certainly would be, but I do think that the boyfriend has a point in saying that he'd want others around him so that he wouldn't end up with a lonely life without his girlfriend.

Then again, maybe I'm just not romantic enough! Or over thinking!

(My boyfriend and I are out to dinner. He’s telling me a story about a call he went on while he was working as an EMT, earlier in the day.)

Boyfriend: “I went on a call for a little old man. He seemed really excited to see us and really chatted us up while we were there. His wife died a couple years ago and he seemed totally lost and lonely without her, like he didn’t know what to do. She was his whole life.”

(I think this is sad but sweet and expect my boyfriend to go into a ‘You’re my whole life’ speech. Instead…)

Boyfriend: “…that’s why I want us to have full social lives outside of each other when we’re married. You know, friends and hobbies and stuff. If you die first, I don’t want to be lost and lonely all the time.”

Me: *shocked* “Well, I hope you’d be too devastated to worry about your social life.”

Boyfriend: *covering* “Oh, of course! But, you know, after a couple years, I wouldn’t still want to be at my house alone all the time.” *realizing he’s not winning any points* “Well, I’d hope the same thing for you! If I died first I wouldn’t want you to be bored all the time.”

(I couldn’t get him to understand why I didn’t think that was a romantic sentiment! This past year I married the love of my life — which was not him. My husband has assured me he’d be totally and utterly devastated if I died and would not be concerned about his social life. He still randomly brings this story up in disbelief and gets mad at my ex for me!)

meeeeh

I find absolutely nothing wrong with the guy's sentiment or with how he put it. That being said my partner and I have so many similar interests, I think we are also intellectually very compatible and so on that I would find it very hard to cope, no matter how many friends would be around.

Hold the Cheez Whiz

The boyfriend's reaction sounds pretty normal to me? TBH, the female in that story seems kind of immature.

IIRC, older men tend to struggle more than women after their spouse dies because women tend to maintain stronger and more numerous social networks. This doesn't mean the death of a lifelong partner isn't traumatic, but women tend to have more friends and groups to rely on in a crisis than men do. Women are also more likely than men to seek treatment for depression, so there's that as well...maybe she should have pushed her boyfriend to stay active and social, not vice-versa!

kylith

It's important to have your own friends and interests outside of a relationship. It's not about having a social life in the 'hooray she's dead, I can go boozing with the lads' way, but in having a support network and people to socialise with so you're not sitting alone every night after your spouse passes.

Since I split up with my ex I'm glad I made the effort to stay in contact with friends while I was in a relationship, if I hadn't I would be home alone this weekend instead of going out.

Frito

I don't think being devastated by the loss of your spouse and moving on with your life are mutually exclusive - it's pretty much the outcome of a successful grieving process.
I think the blogger misread her boyfriend's point; to prevent social isolation following your spouse's death by cultivating a social network. It's as important as your pension.

Lalealynn

Elderly couples who have spent their whole lives together and possibly could not physically be as active are totally different to middle aged couples.

A couple who have been married for 60 odd yrs is different to a couple who have been married for 20 yrs who are in turn different form a couple who have been married for 5 yrs.

And being devastated works differently for different people. There is no right or wrong answer. What is right for one person or one couple is not for the other.

I know you think you can be as social in your late years ..but it's pretty naive. You can't always. I have known elderly relatives who just become too ill or simply people die and fewer people want to know the elderly. People don't know what it's like to be old. It's hard their bodies ache. You maybe be lucky and healthy if you take care. But then you can take care of yourself and not be well at all.

Someone quoted me this ' love is know who is going to watch you die?' Morbid but there you go.

Yes you should love and spread your wings.But if you really want to raise a family that takes time and devotion. And it means a certain amount of sacrifice. So the little old man who is devastated well perhaps he made time to be a good husband and a good dad and maybe that meant less time for himself.

Yes maybe you can have a good balance. But don't think you can have it all. You must prioritize.

I do think it is important to have a wide social network. But I also try to have some time for older people who might feel isolated. A little 'how you doing ? ' can be important.

How many elderly people are you friends with and have time for? Ask yourself that. Because people die as a generation gets older and social networks get smaller and smaller. Until the long lived are left. And some older people can't get on with the young they can't relate. Some can but they need someone to actually care.

So bear it in mind ....give a little time for the 'little old man'.

I do think it is important though.

newport2

OP, he's absolutely right in what he's saying. But some things are better left unsaid.....

I'd be devastated if something happened to my OH, but I expect - over time - I would end up with someone else. However, I could not see the benefit of outlining this to her on a night out to dinner! (Or ever possibly.) I hope she'd be happy with someone else if something happened to me, but she doesn't need to outline this to me like it's a plan!

skallywag

@Lalealynn : Great post, one of the best I've read since I joined boards, on a topic which will not usually get air time.

I came across a song by John Prine some time back which really got me thinking along the same lines, it's here for those who may be interested:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ85Hep0kD0

miamee

I think it is very healthy to have a life outside of your partner, not just as insurance against a lonely future as a widow(er) but for variety, for something new to talk about, for a change of scenery, for new experiences.

My parents have always maintained their own little circles of friends and hobbies and although they share one hobby, they partake of it both separately and together and I think it has been great for them. Other couples I see do everything, EVERYthing together and I wonder how they ever have anything new to talk about?

Ultimately I think losing a partner has to be one of the most difficult things to come to terms with in life. Trying to build a new circle of friends and a new social life on top of that must be even worse. If you have that built already, you are more likely to lean on it when you are ready I should think.

I think a much more important but related point is that as relationships develop and turn in marriage and children, you find that the socialising tends to be with other couples, that's why I think its really important to maintain friends that are separate to the friends you have as a couple.

Neyite

I see a lot of it where the woman focuses on her grown up children as a form of social interaction instead of hobbies, friends and getting involved in the community.

That puts a lot of pressure on the son or daughter, especially when they have their own careers and young families that keeps them busy and it particularily difficult if the woman only had a couple of children in the first place. Much easier to spread the 'visit mammy' load amongst a large family. And even then, Mammy loves nothing better than all her kids come home to visit at the same time - awkward if they are not close or have had falling-outs, or Sibling A cant stand Sibling B's partner.

Relationships, even the ones that last us our whole lives, end at some point. So it makes sense to have something else that you love in life to do. There is nothing more suffocating or draining on you than a partner who makes YOU entirely responsible for their entertainment and happiness in their lives. I love that I have hobbies and interests that my partner doesnt have, and vice versa - it gives us necessary space from each other to have something interesting to bring back into the relationship.

I would hope that we are together until one of us dies. But I also hope that if that does happen, the remaining partner continues to live a full and happy life whatever that entails.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Macavity.

Her new husband comes across as a right fool (gets mad at her ex :rolleyes:).

Shakespeare's Sister

That woman is presumably made-up because NOBODY could be that much of a needy nightmare... could they? And yes, I doubt any man would be whipped enough to "get mad at" an ex who said something as innocent AND sensible to her as what her ex said.
FFS of course it doesn't mean he wouldn't be devastated - if anything it reinforces how devastated he'd be, because the time when you need support from others is when you're feeling at your lowest.
But she wants a man to shut himself off from the world and curl up into a ball of despair in order to make her feel adored. Nah, can't be a real person...

Dark Phoenix

best advice I ever got in life was 'never try to be the only source of someones happieness and never let them be the only source of yours'.

I broke up with an ex of 10 years at the start of the year. if I hadnt had so many friends, a job I enjoy and a big hobby that means a huge amount to me, I don't know how I would have coped. People have been surprised that I was okay a short while after but as i've explained to them, thankfully he wasnt the only source of happiness in my life or my only close friend or my only activity.

I know people often talk about the importance of keeping yourself a little bit financially independent while in a relationship. I think its just as important to keep yourself emotionally independent.

I am an independent person though, I never want someone else to be my only source of happiness, success or finance. I can stand on my own two feet, with or without someone by my side.

indigo twist

No one involved comes across well in that story! The woman seems like a narcissistic selfish drama queen. The ex probably should have known better than to say something so logical and practical to a woman like that, I mean if he was mentioning marriage, surely he must have known her quite well?! And as for the sap of a new husband getting mad at her ex over a conversation like that, seriously, wtf?!

I actually remember having a conversation with an ex about that, years ago, I think we were watching some soppy movie with a related theme. And I said, "For the record, just so you know, if I die first I'd love for you to marry someone else. After a respectable period of mourning has passed, like, I mean don't bring your new bird to my funeral!" And he got all upset and basically said that if he died first, he'd expect me not to ever get with anyone else. I thought it was a weird attitude, we didn't fall out over it or anything though, no point worrying about hypothetical scenarios. Anyways now that I'm (a little bit!) more mature and experienced, I'd probably just not bother having the conversation. Not unless one of us had a terminal disease or something. I don't think it needs to be said.

It's kind of hard to imagine being in that situation. My boyfriend and I have different friends. And I have a job. If he were to die in the morning, it's not like I'd have the "luxury" of donning a black dress and sitting at home pining away for him for the rest of my life, even if I wanted to. I'd still have rent to pay, and therefore I'd still have to go to work, even if it meant putting on a brave face at first ... normality would have to resume at some stage. I'd still have responsibilities to my friends and family members; those who had been in my life for several years before he was ever on the scene. I'd still have our son to think of; it would hardly be healthy for him to be stuck with a mother who was putting all of her energy into grieving instead of moving forward with her life. So, while it's hard to imagine ever getting involved in another relationship, I can see how it could end up happening, and I don't see it as a bad thing. Roles reversed, I'd wish the same for him, if it was what made him happy.

On a lighter note, I very much agree with the sentiment of this song!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE

LegacyUser

It is important it is to have your own interests or different interests outside of your relationship. I also think that it is important to keep in contact with the friends you had before you met your boyfriend/girlfriend.
I have seen woman making there boyfriend/marriage there whole life. There relationship hits a bad patch or ends. They suddenly get in contact with there friends. The friends have moved on with there own lives and they just don't want to know about or make time for there ex-friends.

One of my friends met a man when she was working abroad but she still kept in contact with me by phone and letter ( pre skype and email days). When she came home we would met up and go out. I would go out some nights with both of them but I always felt that he did not like me. After a few years they got engaged. He then decided that he did not want to get married a few weeks before the wedding. At the time my friends was very upset over this but because she made the effort to keep me as a friend I was glad to be there for her.
Despite the fact the she is now married with children and I am single we still kept in contact with each other and met up when we can.

I also have a close relative who's marriage broke up when she was in her 60's. Her family were grown up and living there own lives. She was lucky in the fact she had her kept up her friendships and her own interests outside her marriage and her children.

bnagrrl

My mum passed away a few years ago. Aside from the initial devastation at her loss, the hardest thing has been seeing how alone my dad is. He doesn't have a wide circle of friends, doesn't have hobbies, doesn't volunteer etc and has no interest in doing any of those things. His days consist of drinking alone either at home or in the pub. He won't get help for his drinking. He is struggling to cope and while I try to see him as much as possible, it's never enough to fill the void in his life. The day I lost my mum I lost my dad too.

I think the blogger in question is either incredibly selfish or immature, maybe both, to want someone she apparently loves to cease to function after her death. I see the heartbreak first hand, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

beks101

That blogger sounds completely self-absorbed, deluded and a bit dim to be honest. Her ‘love’ for her partner doesn’t actually take his happiness or needs into consideration and is based instead on her own ego’s need for gratification. I would never wish for someone I love to be ‘totally and utterly devastated’ under any circumstances - that to me is the antithesis of love itself. Why would you want that for one of the most important people in your life?

I’m also skeptical of absolute statements. ‘He is my whole world’ sounds too much like tempting fate to me, and that’s true of anything you build your entire life and happiness upon. It’s too much of a gamble. There are things that contribute to my happiness and sense of identity - my relationships with family and friends, my boyfriend, my career, my running obsession, my lust for travel. But ultimately life could take any single one of those things away from me in an instant, and what then? Commit suicide? Cave myself into a dark room for the rest of my days?

Life is about loss. Nothing is permanent and relationships will always end. It is possible to recognize the transient nature of being and acknowledge the reality that human beings are designed to move forward, while simultaneously loving another human being absolutely.

DoYouEvenLift

Wanting to have independence and space while in relationships is offensive now...what next