Difficult decision regarding elderly mothers future care

flahers

My elderly mom (93) was admitted to hospital nearly three weeks with very bad confusion and paranoia. This has been very difficult because up to that she was living quite independently in her own home and very lucid. She hates the hospital and is blaming me (only daughter and child) for her being in there. We have been told by doctors that she cannot live independently in her home again and I'm really torn. She has always been extremely difficult to deal with and myself and husband have done all we can for her since my dad passed 8 years ago. She has more or less always told me that it's my duty to look after her. She refused every attempt we made over the years to get her to move into a granny flat with us and to be honest we dont have a clue about her affairs as she has always been secretive about them. We got the forms from the hospital to apply for the fair deal scheme and I dont think I can complete them even though I know that moving her into our home isn't an option with her continuous bad moods and tantrums and also the fact that I am awaiting result of a bioposy and very worried myself, has anyone else had to make this decision lately and how did you come to the decision.

Frito

I haven't needed to make this decision, it's obviously a very distressing situation to be in regarding wanting the best for your mum and the best for your life. I look after my mum at home and so far we manage ok so residential care is not on the horizon. Just thought I might respond from the perspective of being the live-in family carer.

I'm assuming from your post that psychiatry have assessed your mother re confusion and paranoia, and she has had her capacity formally assessed and isnt able to make a decision in her best interests regarding independent living vs. residential care.

Your post seems to reveal some ambivalence on your mother's part regarding what she wants, ie she has told you it's your duty to look after her but resisted successive attempts to reside with you.
It would be easy then, to speculate that your mother wants your extra support, perhaps even on a day to day basis, without having you there all the time. Whether your mother would be a candidate for some sheltered housing I'm not sure, particularly if the hospital are recommending residential care.

I'm assuming your difficulty with this decision regarding residential care is because your mother has never wished to live with you, and dislikes the hospital environment and you worry that she will also dislike living in a care home. It doesnt always follow that this will be the case, but it is possible.
However, if your mother lacks capacity (and this is crucial) then her needs override her wishes. It is something that must be done. Given the fact that you have potential issues with your own health, then you are probably not in a position to meet your mother's needs, however much you might want to, in an ideal world.
But then you may find that despite your own needs, caring for your mother in her latter years is very rewarding and fulfilling. It sounds like your mother has complex needs already, and these will only deteriorate as she continues ageing. So if you do decide to care for your mum, be mindful that the amount you will need to do on a day to day basis will likely increase over time. I'm not sure that home care packages can cope with multiple visits a day, but that would need to be discussed with a social worker if caring for your mum at home is an option you wish to consider further.

I can't really give you any advice on what's best for your family, except that it is a decision regarding your family (and not just your mum) if that makes any sense?

I forgot to say good luck with your biopsy.

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I've re-read your post and I'm struck by the 3 week history of confusion where your mother was lucid and living independently prior to this.
In your position I would seek clarification on the cause of this confusion, whether it will resolve completely, and what your mother's capacity is regarding the safest place post-discharge.