Second day meal

ilovespudss

Hi,

Quick one that has just occurred to be me while talking to colleagues in work.

We have planned for a fairly relaxed night after our wedding this December. Put out the feelers a while ago about having a meal with a few drinks afterwards in a near by town (near by to my finances home town) , but not to mine, as her side of the family is the one with all the kids on, so it's just easier for them to stay local. A few of my family and close friends will be staying in hotels in that town.

Basically the conversation came up in work today about the second night (nobody in work will be coming to the second night by the way) and it was mentioned that some people will expect that the meal would be covered.

This had not even occurred to me that people would expect this. I've only gone to one or two seconds day events, and they were either a night in the parents house, or a few platters of food in a pub. So I can see where they are coming from in saying people could presume the meal be covered.

We have about 40 people confirmed to be going, and we're hoping to get the restaurant to agree to put on a set menu for the night to make things easier. But you would still be talking the guts of €2000 including wine for 40 people?

It's kind of thrown me to be honest. We didn't put any pressure on anyone to attend, I made a point of giving different price hotel options for staying over if they had to, and also suggested that they could meet the group in the pub after the meal, if they didn't want to sit diwn to eat.

Just trying to get people take on the situation.

Yer Aul One

Could you do something like pay for the food but not the drinks. It is still a nice gesture but might cap the spending a bit.

I would have expected the meal to be paid for if it was still part of the wedding and was invited but I would probably buy my own drinks anyways.

Princess Peach

If I was invited I would expect it to be paid for alright. You're basically extending your wedding by an extra day, so should cover the meal, especially since some people are booking into a hotel when they could be gone home.

indigo twist

I wouldn't expect a "second day meal" at a wedding at all - but if there was one, and if I was invited to it - I certainly wouldn't expect to be paying for it!

pwurple

Depends what you are doing. I asked people who were around to the pub the next day, and covered pizzas and fingerfood for that. It was about 30 people maybe.

If it was more of a normal meal with my family, rather than something you invite people to, i guess i would split the bill?

ilovespudss

Surprised so many people expect their food to be paid for.

I have been invited/asked to meals for many reasons, Engagements, birthdays etc, never in a million years did I think I wouldn't have to pay for my own meal?

We wanted to get together with family and close friends for a more relaxed night than the previous one... That was all, no pressure on anybody to attend, we just told people of our plan and that they were welcome to join us.


Will have to rethink that plan it would seem.

ilovespudss

Thanks for the opinions by the way, just a bit surprised by some of them.

Typer Monkey

Yeah any day two meals I've been to have been provided by the couple. Two were buffet type thing and another was a BBQ. Maybe have a look at what putting on a buffet would cost? I think if you're asking people to stick around and extend the party that you should pay for the meal.

You could just invite people for drinks and throw on some finger food?

ilovespudss

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Yeah any day two meals I've been to have been provided by the couple. Two were buffet type thing and another was a BBQ. Maybe have a look at what putting on a buffet would cost? I think if you're asking people to stick around and extend the party that you should pay for the meal.

You could just invite people for drinks and throw on some finger food?

Typer Monkey,

That was an option, and we thought about it, but in our opinion people would have to be eating dinner before they came out for a few drinks anyway, why not eat together?

We are putting on a massive spread of food and drink during the wedding obviously, I think it's a bit presumptuous to expect a meal the next day to be covered as well.

As I said, we were going to be going out for something to eat the night after the wedding probably, at a minimum, with both sets of parents. It was said to people close to us that they would be welcome to join us, or not as the case may be. This is a relaxed meal with friends and family. Absolutely no is 'expected' to go

Yer Aul One

ilovespudss wrote: »

Typer Monkey,

That was an option, and we thought about it, but in our opinion people would have to be eating dinner before they came out for a few drinks anyway, why not eat together?

We are putting on a massive spread of food and drink during the wedding obviously, I think it's a bit presumptuous to expect a meal the next day to be covered as well.

As I said, we were going to be going out for something to eat the night after the wedding probably, at a minimum, with both sets of parents. It was said to people close to us that they would be welcome to join us, or not as the case may be. This is a relaxed meal with friends and family. Absolutely no is 'expected' to go

40 people for a sit down dinner doesn't come across as that relaxed.

Babooshka

ilovespudss wrote: »

Typer Monkey,

That was an option, and we thought about it, but in our opinion people would have to be eating dinner before they came out for a few drinks anyway, why not eat together?

We are putting on a massive spread of food and drink during the wedding obviously, I think it's a bit presumptuous to expect a meal the next day to be covered as well.

As I said, we were going to be going out for something to eat the night after the wedding probably, at a minimum, with both sets of parents. It was said to people close to us that they would be welcome to join us, or not as the case may be. This is a relaxed meal with friends and family. Absolutely no is 'expected' to go

Would you not check out a couple of places in the town, we had a barbecue the day after our wedding and covered the numbers, we stated on our invites that if people wished to join us and were staying at the hotel for a second night that we were having an informal barbecue. We had about 65 people in the end, a few more than we expected, as we thought only family would stay but some friends drove back just for the barbecue. If I was you I would ask around a few places if they do early evening finger food or anything like that, at least that way if friends of yours want to meet for drinks and a bite then it won't cost the earth and you all get to hang out together - if the hotel or bar could do it at a set price per head you could even cover half and maybe everyone could be asked to contribute a fiver a head or something? I don't think anyone would mind that, I'd certainly prefer to hand over a fiver than have to go to a sit down meal and pay out maybe 40 each or something. (I know you didn't expect people to do it but they may offer to go along so just throwing it out there)

Just some thoughts on it, it would save you trying to pay for a meal for some and excluding some friends who might think that you're all having dinner together when in fact you feel you have to tell them you'll meet them down the pub later on cos you don't want the embarrassment of paying out a fortune for a sit down meal. I think if you talk to proprietors of the bigger bars and hotels they've all managed stuff like this before for weddings and they might have some suggestions for you that could work out a bit more relaxed and informal and not cost you a fortune! Enjjoy every moment of your nuptials

Magicmatilda

ilovespudss wrote: »

Surprised so many people expect their food to be paid for.

I have been invited/asked to meals for many reasons, Engagements, birthdays etc, never in a million years did I think I wouldn't have to pay for my own meal?

We wanted to get together with family and close friends for a more relaxed night than the previous one... That was all, no pressure on anybody to attend, we just told people of our plan and that they were welcome to join us.


Will have to rethink that plan it would seem.

I have never expected to get a free meal at a birthday or engagement party. However at a wedding I do (rightly or wrongly)

I have been invite to these 2nd day events 3 times. Once was drinks in the pub. Once was in the parents the next day and once was in the hotel and it was a BBQ. Any food provided was always paid for. Any one I know who has attended these things the food is paid for.

Whether you like it or not the precedent is there that 2nd day food is paid for. Unless you just invite people for drinks in a pub.

Now that said if I turned up and had to pay of course I would. However i would like to know in advance that I do have to pay. Perhaps you could follow up the invite with a copy of the menu and the prices on it and reiterate that if people would prefer to just attend the drinks they are more than welcome.

Babooshka

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Now that said if I turned up and had to pay of course I would. However i would like to know in advance that I do have to pay. Perhaps you could follow up the invite with a copy of the menu and the prices on it and reiterate that if people would prefer to just attend the drinks they are more than welcome.

The OP said it wasn't part of the wedding day invite, it was only word of mouth to close relatives.

EDIT Perhaps you just mean follow up the word of mouth invite though....

Electric Sheep

I usually avoid second day wedding celebrations as one day is quite enough for me. The one time I did attend a second day meal was at a fairly casual wedding abroad. We guests took up a collection among ourselves and gave it to the b&g to defray the costs of the meal. I have no idea if this is the norm or not.

lazygal

Any second day events I've been to have been covered in part or full by the bride and groom. My parents hosted a second day event for some family and friends in their house, but if we'd asked people to a pub or restaurant we'd have covered the cost of food at least, and probably a round of drinks.

clappyhappy

If I were you I would speak to the hotel where you think ye will be eating. Ask the manager/chef for a menu with 3-4 options only on it. At December time you could have a soup starter, turkey & ham, fish dish, pasta/vegetarian for main course and then apple crumble/pavlova or some other dessert.

You then have two options, pay half of the bill, would roughly be €15-20 per head, then send a text to all those coming saying where the meal is at and as a thank you for travelling and joining us we have subsidised the bill with a balance of €10 per person payable on the night.

Or you could just pay for it, it is immediate family that is coming and it would be nice to thank them all for all they have done over the years. We did it after our wedding and it was a lovely way to finish off the weekend.

But as a chef I do come across this a lot and basically you either pay for all, pay for half or ask everyone to pay for their own. Plus if it's before Christmas there will probably be a good party atmosphere in the hotel, decor, music etc.

Enjoy it, hopefully it's only once you will do this, and make it a wedding go remember.

Congratulations!!

Milly33

MMm tough one.. I wouldn't be put out lets say if you were giving the choice of attending the next day of paying for my own food or drink but in saying that again most of the weddings I have gone too that have a second day, the food has been free. One went from a BBQ which was free and we paid for our own drinks or finger food platters in a local bar for free and we paid for our own drink..

I think you would be fine if ye did not have it in the budget to pay for the next day but just make sure and inform people that the dinner will not be covered and maybe give guideline prices.. I am sure as all said the hotel will put on a early bird menu to suit

indigo twist

ilovespudss wrote: »

Surprised so many people expect their food to be paid for.

They don't expect their food to be paid for - they expect to go home the day after the wedding, and sort out their own dinner! If you're asking them to hang around for a second day (at expense to them in terms of babysitters, accommodation etc) then yes you should at least pay for their food.

Trust me, your wedding is a lot more important to you than it is to any of your guests, and one day is quite enough for most people. If you're going to insist on dragging it into a two day event, fine, but they're doing you a favour by staying around for the second day. So yeah, you should feed them.

If you can't afford it and have to cancel, I sincerely doubt anyone will be too upset.

ilovespudss

Thanks again for the replies,

I'll have to hold my hands up in this one, as the vast majority seem to think that the meal should be provided, honestly hasn't even considered that until today... I still think it's a bit much after canapés, 4 course meal, evening food and drinks have been provided the day before, but I'm obviously in the minority.

Just fit done of the posters info, the dinner we're having the second night is in a restaurant in a nearby town, it's not the hotel that the wedding reception is taking place as that is out on its own in the country with little or nothing to do during the day in the middle of winter. We thought we would give her side of the family a chauffer to get home with the kids and then come back out if they wished.

Anyone from my side coming out the second night will have to stay over or drive as it's about an his drive from my home area.

We had intended talking to the restaurant in the hope of providing a set menu for the night to try and keep the cost down on people and less messing even paying the bill. But even at €25 for a three course at menu, your talking €1000 euro before any drinks... It's not feasible for us to pay that after the cost of the previous day.

First issue I have run into since planning the wedding, and I was only saying the other day how hassle free it has been!!

Thanks again

Typer Monkey

Just don't do the second day maybe so? I genuinely don't think anyone is going to be put out that it's not happening. People (particularly family) often feel obligated to attend these things if they're arranged.

Just on the providing the four course meal and the canapés the previous day, you've invited your guests to celebrate with you and you've chosen to provide those things to them so I wouldn't factor that into your decision making.

Yer Aul One

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Just don't do the second day maybe so? I genuinely don't think anyone is going to be put out that it's not happening. People (particularly family) often feel obligated to attend these things if they're arranged.

Agreed, talk to your fiancé and if you cant think of a better option (like pub or self cater) then drop it.

Of course it would be a nice way to end the occasion but it could end up being a source of anxiety for you two, hanging over you from now till the day of...

eviltwin

I recently went to a five day wedding all paid for by the bride and groom. I couldn't do all five days - just did three but by the time the wedding was over all I wanted was to go home. Unless you know the bride and groom really well the day after is usually a bit a an anti climax and you just want to get back to normal.

Electric Sheep

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Just don't do the second day maybe so? I genuinely don't think anyone is going to be put out that it's not happening. People (particularly family) often feel obligated to attend these things if they're arranged.

Just on the providing the four course meal and the canapés the previous day, you've invited your guests to celebrate with you and you've chosen to provide those things to them so I wouldn't factor that into your decision making.

Yes, I think you can rest assured that most of the guests will be quite relieved if you cancel the second day.

It is probably about time for Irish weddings to return to one day affairs anyway.

Faith

A second day is entirely optional, but if it happens, and if it involves a meal, then it's usually covered by someone. We're having a day 2 barbecue that my future father-in-law is hosting (he asked us if he could do it, it wasn't our choice).

Unless it's just casual drinks at the pub, I think most people would expect it to be covered. The day itself generally comes at high cost to guests, and if you're suggesting that for day 2 they A) drop the kids home the second evening, so they'll need a babysitter, or travel, so they'll need to stay overnight, then that's already significant expense. So even attending the second day is costly, without a €35 per person meal being forced upon them too.

I'd think you should either cancel it or scale it back entirely if you can't afford it (which is perfectly understandable; it's all very expensive).

ilovespudss

indigo twist wrote: »

They don't expect their food to be paid for - they expect to go home the day after the wedding, and sort out their own dinner! If you're asking them to hang around for a second day (at expense to them in terms of babysitters, accommodation etc) then yes you should at least pay for their food.

Trust me, your wedding is a lot more important to you than it is to any of your guests, and one day is quite enough for most people. If you're going to insist on dragging it into a two day event, fine, but they're doing you a favour by staying around for the second day. So yeah, you should feed them.

If you can't afford it and have to cancel, I sincerely doubt anyone will be too upset.

Sounds like you got hurt bad.

ABajaninCork

Does it have to be a sit down meal? The second day (if you have to have one!) should be a much more relaxed affair.

Why don't you arrange for a hot buffet/finger food meal with the guests paying for their own drinks? Cheaper and probably a bit more choice rather than the turkey/ham that's usual at Christmas. Of course, you can arrange for a vegetarian option too.

indigo twist

ilovespudss wrote: »

Sounds like you got hurt bad.

OK .....

Pumpkinseeds

I'm really surprised that these post wedding day meals are still going. Even judging by Boards alone, many people resent having to fork out to attend the actual wedding, without being expected to hang around for another day with the same people. Whatever happened to having the wedding and going away? I never really got the whole protracted wedding thing tbh.

Electric Sheep

Pumpkinseeds wrote: »

I'm really surprised that these post wedding day meals are still going. Even judging by Boards alone, many people resent having to fork out to attend the actual wedding, without being expected to hang around for another day with the same people. Whatever happened to having the wedding and going away? I never really got the whole protracted wedding thing tbh.

Especially in December, when people have such a lot going on with holiday preparation and expenses.

ilovespudss

In no other setting or occasion would this be an issue.

We have put no pressure on anyone to attend the meal, as I said, we would have being going for something to eat with both sets of parents anyway. We didn't want them to have to be in a pub all night, as neither are pub goers, with a couple of cocktail sausages to keep them fed.

We gave a few people the OPTION of joining us if they wanted to. As they are all adults im sure they can work out the cost of food/babysitter / taxi / accommodation and decide whether they wanted to go.

Never have I walked into a restaurant and presumed I wouldn't have to pay my way.

Thank you for all your input

Help!!!!

Don't have dinner....find pub that will do finger food. Tell guests you will be in said pub night after wedding for a few drinks & there will be some finger food. Up to them if they go & the can eat before if they want
Wouldn't stress yourself or add any extra cost if I was you
We just had BBQ next day in house we hired

Princess Peach

It's fine if you want them to pay for the meal, but you need to find a polite way of telling them in advance it's at their own expense, as a lot of them might not expect it.

Do not just spring a bill on them at the end of the meal

Yer Aul One

Because all the suggestions people have given you is to offer 2 cocktail sausages per person...bridezilla alert!

Our opinions must be the wrong opinions

Electric Sheep

ilovespudss wrote: »

In no other setting or occasion would this be an issue.

We have put no pressure on anyone to attend the meal, as I said, we would have being going for something to eat with both sets of parents anyway. We didn't want them to have to be in a pub all night, as neither are pub goers, with a couple of cocktail sausages to keep them fed.

We gave a few people the OPTION of joining us if they wanted to. As they are all adults im sure they can work out the cost of food/babysitter / taxi / accommodation and decide whether they wanted to go.

Never have I walked into a restaurant and presumed I wouldn't have to pay my way.

Thank you for all your input

An invitation is always an option, not a summons. That does not relieve the hosts of their obligations.

Electric Sheep

Princess Peach wrote: »

It's fine if you want them to pay for the meal, but you need to find a polite way of telling them in advance it's at their own expense, as a lot of them might not expect it.

Do not just spring a bill on them at the end of the meal

And don't ask your bridesmaid to ostentatiously make a show of paying her share.:pac:

mrsbyrne

Electric Sheep wrote: »

And don't ask your bridesmaid to ostentatiously make a show of paying her share.:pac:

Still recovering here from an obligatory horrific family wedding with a cardboard cake and a photo booth and inedible food in a criminally expensive hotel in the middle of nowhere . There was some talk of a BBQ the day after but judging by the frenzied queue to check out of the hotel and the cloud of dust created by cars leaving at great speed I don't think many hung around to find out. If we had been forced to stay I'd have committed hari Kari rather then pay. Cheeky buggers.

Faith

ilovespudss wrote: »

In no other setting or occasion would this be an issue.

But the point is that it's not any other setting or occasion.

Listen, ask your guests to pay if you want to. Just do it ASAP, and be prepared for numbers to fall.

I love weddings a LOT, but even I'd be hard pushed to go to a day 2 in the middle of the busiest and most expensive month of the year. And if I had to pay for my own meal - I really doubt I'd go. Most people have a huge demand on their time in December - it's not like the middle of summer when everyone's happy to be sitting around in the sun all evening anyway.

Dolbert

Why not do a rehearsal dinner with just family and maybe bridal party the night before? Then for the day after party you can do the far more affordable option of finger food. People honestly don't expect a full sit-down dinner the day after.

ilovespudss

Yer Aul One wrote: »

Because all the suggestions people have given you is to offer 2 cocktail sausages per person...bridezilla alert!

Our opinions must be the wrong opinions

Not at all, I'm clearly in the minority here, but I'm struggling with the logic.

On the post below this, another poster as referenced another theard that was up here a few weeks ago... The reference was, I presume, to intimate that im in some way stingy, or scabby... Surely that's ironic given that the vast majority of people here expect to have to put their hand in their pocket for a mask that they eat.?

I have said above that neither parents are pub goers, and don't want them to have to be in a pub all night, where they wouldn't be too comfortable. I was flippant about the cocktail sausages but I think you understood where I was coming from? A lot of people suggesting to get platters of food in a pub.

Dolbert

Don't have a second day then? They're not mandatory and you clearly resent the idea. We were so wrecked the next day we were delighted we didn't have another day to do.

cletus van damme

what is a second day?
I'm genuinely bewildered.

any wedding I've gone too has ended in the wee hours and people go to bed.
the next day those staying over "may" meet for breakfast and then everybody heads home.

I've never had anybody hang about for a second afternoon/evening.

once kinda I had to fly back to dublin with the B&G and some of the party from the UK - I got pissed with them but went our separate ways at the airport in dublin.

Enlighten me , please?
Im 37 too been to a few weddings.:eek:

Yer Aul One

ilovespudss wrote: »

On the post below this, another poster as referenced another theard that was up here a few weeks ago... The reference was, I presume, to intimate that im in some way stingy, or scabby... Surely that's ironic given that the vast majority of people here expect to have to put their hand in their pocket for a mask that they eat.?

*grabs popcorn


Ah no, I feel your pain. Nobody would be expecting the day after meal paid for if it wasn't the precedent set by most 2 day weddings.
Throw in, that the location is not local for some attendees, I think making the guests pay will gather some negative remarks (right or wrong).

Electric Sheep

Yer Aul One wrote: »

*grabs popcorn


Ah no, I feel your pain. Nobody would be expecting the day after meal paid for if it wasn't the precedent set by most 2 day weddings.
Throw in, that the location is not local for some attendees, I think making the guests pay will gather some negative remarks (right or wrong).

I think as long as the guests know in advance that the dinner is not being hosted by the bride and groom, it is OK. But that needs to be explicitly spelled out - by default, the social norm has become that the second day affair, whether barbeque, sandwich platters, or the very unusual sit down meal is hosted by either the B&G or their parents.

I still think that for December, it would be better to cancel day 2. As it is, when guests find out that this is not part of the wedding, most will bail.

Yer Aul One

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I think as long as the guests know in advance that the dinner is not being hosted by the bride and groom, it is OK. But that needs to be explicitly spelled out - by default, the social norm has become that the second day affair, whether barbeque, sandwich platters, or the very unusual sit down meal is hosted by either the B&G or their parents.

I still think that for December, it would be better to cancel day 2. As it is, when guests find out that this is not part of the wedding, most will bail.

How do you go about spelling that out, so explicitly?

Princess Peach

Yer Aul One wrote: »

How do you go about spelling that out, so explicitly?

Send a text around "just want to confirm the dinner reservation with you, checked with the restaurant and should be about €30 each without drinks" or something like that.

I don't mind what people do, but absolutely agree that if moving away from what's expected, guests need to be told in advance.

ilovespudss

cletus van damme wrote: »

what is a second day?
I'm genuinely bewildered.

any wedding I've gone too has ended in the wee hours and people go to bed.
the next day those staying over "may" meet for breakfast and then everybody heads home.

I've never had anybody hang about for a second afternoon/evening.

once kinda I had to fly back to dublin with the B&G and some of the party from the UK - I got pissed with them but went our separate ways at the airport in dublin.

Enlighten me , please?
Im 37 too been to a few weddings.:eek:

We had the idea of meeting with both sets of parents the following evening for something to eat. There's a good hour drive between our two home towns so we decided to have it closer to her neck of the woods, incase any of the family wanted to come and meet us.

It started from there, a few of them started asking what we were doing so we told them that they were welcome to join us. It's grown from there, where it casually said to family friends if they would be interested and the number has grown to around 40 people.

Tarzana

I'm not sure, OP. I think it should probably be paid for. I never hang around of the second day though, as I just want to go home and cry my hangover away, so I'm not sure if it's the done thing to pay for it or not. My gut says if people are paying for another night's accommodation, you should cover the meal.

ilovespudss

Princess Peach wrote: »

Send a text around "just want to confirm the dinner reservation with you, checked with the restaurant and should be about €30 each without drinks" or something like that.

I don't mind what people do, but absolutely agree that if moving away from what's expected, guests need to be told in advance.

I have absolutely no problem with doing that. That's what we intended to do, once we could get the restaurant to agree to a set menu.

We were thinking of supplying the wine for the night, but just didn't think, people would expect the whole evening to be covered... Judged that one wrong!!

Tarzana

Electric Sheep wrote: »

It is probably about time for Irish weddings to return to one day affairs anyway.

+1

I'd honestly feel so self-indulgent if I turned my possible future wedding into a two day event.

Electric Sheep

Tarzana wrote: »

+1

I'd honestly feel so self-indulgent if I turned my possible future wedding into a two day event.

I guess we should add second day events to the done to death thread:p

Tarzana

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Especially in December, when people have such a lot going on with holiday preparation and expenses.

Gawd yeah, was at a December wedding last year and it so tough to come up with the money for it at an already stretched time of year.