I don't want this house-sitter.

LegacyUser

My best friend recently made friends with a woman who's an on-off heroin addict. Well, more on than off. The woman has assaulted people, mugged people, and gets followed around by these two big dangerous drug dealing blokes who are always tempting her back onto the drugs. She's tried and failed to get clean many times. The last time she assaulted someone trying to mug them for drug money was just a few weeks ago, but now she's claiming to be clean again and saying it's for real this time. I want nothing to do with this dangerous woman but my friend is too good-hearted and gullible and believes her when she says she's clean this time and wants to help her. The problem is she's trying to drag me into this.

I've worked so hard pulling myself up from nothing and now I have a lovely house which is my pride and joy. In a couple of weeks I'm going on holiday for nearly a month to visit relatives abroad. My house is in a nice area with a tough security system and I do not need or want a housesitter. But this druggie woman is living in a hostel that she doesn't like and my friend wants me to hand over the keys to my house and let her house-sit for me so she'll have somewhere nice to stay.

As if! I'd come home and find all my possessions stolen, the house ruined and druggies passed out everywhere. As if that's not bad enough my friend suggested that I should even give this woman some money as payment for housesitting because she doesn't have any money! There is no way in hell this will ever happen but it's causing problems with my friend. She's getting angry with me for not wanting to help this woman. She's been my best friend for 14 years but I think I may lose her over this. How can I make her see how unreasonable she's being?

Tokyo

Nonono123 wrote: »

She's getting angry with me for not wanting to help this woman. She's been my best friend for 14 years but I think I may lose her over this. How can I make her see how unreasonable she's being?

You don't explain yourself - you just say no. It's your house, and if your friend can't understand this then that's her problem, not yours. If your friend is that concerned for this person, let her take them into her home instead for a while.

TBH, considering that you now don't know who knows your house will be completely empty for a month, at the very least I'd have the alarm set and would be getting a neighbour to check in on it daily, if not getting a friend that you trust to housesit instead.

bearhugs

+1. Do not feel under pressure to let this woman into your house. You have absolutely no obligation. If you did and anything in the house was damaged you would be left completely responsible, guaranteed. Your friend is chancing their arm. If she's such a good friend she wouldn't be trying to pressure you into this, TBH.

gandalf

If this woman is your best friend she should respect your decision and not push it.

I would be like you. There is no way I would leave somewhere I had paid for and got the way I wanted to risk it on someone with a tainted past who I didn't know and didn't trust. I wouldn't even be diplomatic about it if one of my friends asked. I would ensure they got the message that I would never consider it as an option and that they should not even consider asking again!

Rubberchikken

Just be truthful and direct.
Say no, it's very simple.

Your friend is in the place where she thinks she can heal this person and reasoning is not going to work.

It may mean she falls out with you for a time and while she means well, involving others and their property is foolish.

Good luck

o1s1n

I'd be worried about letting some family members house sit, let alone someone with a past like that!

Your friend is completely out of order and its bizarre that they can't see that.

barleybooley

If I had a house, I don't think I'd really be comfortable letting ANYONE house-sit, my reason being that if I had it all locked up and everything done in my power to secure it and something happened it, then I wouldn't resent anyone for not looking after it in my absence. Could you maybe spin it to her like this? That said, I think you're completely right not to want this for the reasons you've stated, it's playing roulette with a lot of your money, time and care that has gone into your place. And that's just it, isn't it? It's yours, no one else's, you can do as you please. You're friend should respect that. If she's so bothered about her friend staying in the hostel, why doesn't she put her up?

SScope

Op, a true friend would not be pushing you to do something you're not comfortable with and if they don't take your answer and drop the subject that's not your problem its theirs. You've given your answer and they should take it that you are not changing your mind.

Your friend has decided to take the woman on as her project, that's her prerogative and you should not feel the need to help in any way unless you are comfortable/happy to do so.

I would also echo the poster above that advised on having a neighbor/family member to check on your house while you are away as your friend may have mentioned that she would ask you to consider allowing this ex junkie to house sit.

Mr. Incognito

Why don't you suggest that your friend house sit your house and let the druggie have her home for the month.

Watch how quickly her tune will change then.

Autonomous

That's no friend...dump them.

Stavro Mueller

In the circumstances, I'd not even ask your friend to check the house and pick up the post. By giving her the keys, you're losing control over who steps inside the front door. Is it that big a leap of the imagination to wonder what would happen if her druggie pal left the hostel for some reason and found herself homeless?

I notice too that your friend's not taking this girl in under her own roof. If she's so determined to help her, why doesn't she put her up and give her money? No, you're entitled not to have strangers in your house if that isn't what you want. The druggie woman is your friend's friend, not yours. She's not your responsibility. I don't see either why you even need a housesitter? A neighbour to keep an eye on things and the heating on a timer is enough for most people.

catonthewire

Omg...

How could your friend put you in this awful position


Just say no, explain why, then leave it at that...
Your home , your rules....
If your friend has issues with this, then tell her to have this lady stay at her house...
This friendship has no bearing on your life...
Go and enjoy your holiday, let a neighbour know that you are away , so post can be collected, or a family member...

December2012

In a way your friends efforts are admirable. It's good to want to help others.

However, that is your friends choice to make, she should not be forcing it on you and her altruism about the junkie is almost outweighed by the way she's treating you!

She's trying to guilt you into doing something risky that you do not (understandably!) want to do.

Your friend is acting without concern for your wishes - let her give the girl unsupervised access to her own house and belongings!

So simply you say "No". Any time she persists asking you why, don't get into it. Just keep saying "I said no. Accept it".

Stavro Mueller

Here's another scenario which has probably crossed your mind. What if you let this woman house-sit and when you get back everything's fine? House is spick and span, nothing has been stolen.... Is there a danger your friend will put you under pressure to keep her pal living in your house rather than have her return to the hostel?
Really, if your friend wants to help this woman get back on her feet she should be trying to help her find a job and access better accommodation. I'm not familiar with how the system works so excuse my ignorance here - if her friend leaves the hostel does that mean she loses her place? Would she be effectively homeless if she left to mind your house and has to leave when you get back?

CaraMay

I wouldn't let a stranger house sit for me no matter what their background. Tell your friend to take her in herself. Just say no and tell your friend that your cousin / aunt / friend is doing it. Your friend sounds a few sandwiches short tbh

LynnGrace

If your friend wants to help, let her take in the person, into her own home. It's amazing how generous some people are, with other people's things.
Make sure all is secure, for your absence, and say a firm No.

Calmsurrender

Tell your friend you dont feel comfortable with someone you dont know staying in your house and don't have any spare cash for housesitting services anyway.

If the woman in question is as bad as you say Id revaluate your friendship anyway I know that sounds harsh but your friend will get dragged down by this woman and its already spilling your way.
I feel for the woman and I hope for her and your friend she does get clean - its not easy and I can kinda see what your friend is thinking by asking you - but its not for you to "save" her

Chattastrophe!

Jesus I wouldn't ask my closest friends or family to "housesit" for me, unless there was a very genuine reason for it (e.g. if I had pets.)

Isn't housesitting meant to be a favour to the homeowner, really? That the person that you trust minds your place - not that you give someone a free gaff for a while?

If someone even suggested that to me, I'd be absolutely bemused and confused. Why on earth would I choose to give a druggie the run of my house, when the alternative is to lock it up and leave it safe when I'm away?

My answer would be an overwhelming NO. I absolutely empathise and sympathise with her situation, but she needs help through other channels and resources. Your home is not an open house - it is yours.

eviltwin

It would be a massive NO from me too, you don't have to justify it, its your home so your decision. I am amazed your friend is so blind to the position it puts you in and that she would even ask you to be honest, its a huge liberty to assume you will allow a total stranger stay in your home, let alone one with such problems. If your friend wants to help her get back on her feet again that is very admirable but she shouldn't expect others to make such huge sacrifices.

dealhunter1985

tell your friend to go jump in a heroin filled lake!
What planet is she living on!!!

shruikan2553

I wouldn't want a friend of a friend house sitting. Never mind if they are a convicted murderer or consultant at a hospital.

boobar

Just say No.

Let your friend sort out this person's housing problems.

If your best friend has a problem with it, that's her tough luck.

iguana

I think I'd be telling my 'friend' that I'd love to have her new friend house sit but my two big male rugby playing, MMA fighting cousins will be staying there instead.

In all seriousness, I'm very worried for you that your 'friend' may have basically advertised to some very dodgy people that your house will be empty for a month

ABajaninCork

I'd rather lose the friendship than have a recovering junkie I don't know within 100 yards of my gaff. Neither would I trust my friend with the keys. The silly cow will probably let the woman in.

Is there any way you can ask the local Gards to keep an eye on the house as they pass in the car/on foot?

miss no stars

If I were you, I'd be getting very interested in getting a house sitter of the very close family type and briefing them on the fact that your idiot ex-friend advertised to junkies that the house will be empty for a month. Then I'd be getting on to the alarm monitoring firm and getting them to change the pin. (Or get one installed as a matter of urgency). Then I'd also be having a chat with a friendly garda about the fact that your friend has advertised your house as "for burglary" to the local scum.

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that your ex-friend either has or will inform the junkie that the house is going to be empty for a long period of time. Protect your home. Do not take any chances. And read yer one the riot act.

HalloweenJack

Agree entirely with all the advice given so far. Stick to your guns and don't let your friend force this woman onto you.

Might also be an idea, if you do give the keys over to someone else, to tell them about your friend's idea. It wouldn't entirely surprise me if your friend finds out who you give the keys too and then tries to get the keys off them on some whimsical excuse ("I left such-and-such at OP's place and said that I could get the keys off you so I could pick it up"). I know it's a big stretch of the imagination but you just never know. Your friend seems to have this 'great' idea deeply lodged in her head.

suicide_circus

Your friend is demented. Getting angry at you for not letting some random junkie stay in your house? What the actual fcuk?
Tell your friend to get a bloody grip.

retro:electro

Is be seriously questioning the friendship with this woman op. Is she absolutely demented? What on earth is she thinking? I hope her hand isn't being forced by the junkie into making you let her have the house while you're away. You never know what these two get up to in their spare time behind your back. I mean I doubt she befriended a junkie just for the hell of it.

dissed doc

Nonono123 wrote: »

How can I make her see how unreasonable she's being?

You don't have to make her see anything, just don't do it. The other woman is as unknown to you as anyone on the forum. You might do this for someone who is a close friend, but drugs or not, almost never for a casual acquaintance of a close friend. How weird is that?

Would anyone give their house for a month to someone who is an aquaintance of a friend who you don't know or like and have only got a negative vibe from? Lol at your friend for even suggesting it but maybe you are someone viewed as being able to be taken advantage of.

Buona Fortuna

Same song as most others I'm afraid OP.

When friends try and use our friendship to make us do something we don't want to, or even worse against our interests, they move from being friends to being merely associates.

Tell your friend no. No explanation is required. If your friend has the cheek to feign annoyance I'd suggest she copps herself on. If she is so keen on becoming the next Mother Theresa, let her take the woman in.

ABajaninCork

Let's say you give in to this idiotic demand. (Which of course isn't happening -right?). The junkie wrecks the gaff and/or steals everything of value. Is your stupid & gullible mate going to cover the damages? (And she'd better not be telling you to go through the insurance either!!)

Thought not...

catonthewire

I am simply shocked that a friend would inflict this awful situation on another friend....
Perhaps I am being too harsh, but this goes beyond the call of duty....

Big Bag of Chips

I don't even think this needs to be brought down to a junkie robbing and/or wrecking the place. Your house is your refuge. It's your one private and personal space in the entire world. One place that is sacred to you. You should never leave anybody either alone in or with access to your property that you are not 100% comfortable with. As someone else mentioned it doesn't matter if this woman is a junkie or a doctor.. The fact is, you are not comfortable allowing a friend of a friend into your house while you are away.

I think most reasonable people could understand that. Your friend is obviously on a "Mother Theresa" kick. That's fine, and that's commendable. I would guess, judging by her forcing the issue with you, that she has already mentioned it to her friend, in a "Of course she won't mind!! You'll be doing her a favour" way, and now feels bad about having to go back and tell her it's not happening.

Tough.

You are being very considerate of her and your 14 year friendship. You are here trying to get advice on the best way to let your friend know you don't want this, without offending her and risking your friendship... On the other hand, she is not giving you the same consideration. And I have a feeling no matter what you say, or how you say it she will not be happy with you. But, if she was a real and genuine friend she would never put you in this position in the first place. In a moment of madness, she may suggest it, but as soon as you said no, she'd back off and apologise for even asking.

Again, all the above would be valid regardless of the friend's background.

I think your friendship is in trouble, but it will have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your friend. And if she is willing to risk a 14 year friendship over such an absurd request, then maybe it's for the best.

Stavro Mueller

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think your friendship is in trouble, but it will have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with your friend. And if she is willing to risk a 14 year friendship over such an absurd request, then maybe it's for the best.

Got to agree with this. No matter what happens from here, your friendship will never be the same again. Even if your friend's bright idea was little more than a misguided brain fart, there's no coming back from it. This will always be there even if the friendship survives. Sorry.

kylith

I'm the same as everyone else; no way in hell would I be handing over the keys, and I'd be reading the 'friend' the riot act.

If you hand over your keys and this woman turns out to be less clean than thought, and it's not necessarily her, it's who she might tell too, and your house is emptied your insurance will not cover it. If your friend has already told this woman that your house will be empty then I'd be looking at getting someone you trust, or a security company, to keep an eye on the place.

Chattastrophe!

By the way, I have to ask, is this sort of behaviour normal for your friend, or is she acting out of character? As you can see from the replies on this thread, not a single person thinks what she's asking is in any way reasonable.

And even if she was asking you a somewhat reasonable favour, she shouldn't be getting angry at you for refusing to do it.

I'd be quite concerned if a friend of mine suddenly started behaving so irrationally.

Anyways as others have said, the fact that she is a druggie is pretty much irrelevant. I wouldn't be happy to have anyone stay in my house when I'm away. It's your own private place, you want to go away on holidays and return to find the place untouched. You don't want to feel obliged to have the place spotless before you leave, and then be getting calls when you're away asking how to work the remote or where do you keep the iron, etc. You don't want to return to find - even if she kept the place well while you were away - that your things are in the wrong places, your favourite mug has a slight crack, your computer settings have been changed. And the idea that your friend suggested that you'd pay for the privilege is even more laughable! (Not to mention that you won't be making the saving on heating and electricity that you would otherwise by being away for a whole month - in fact, your bills would probably be higher than usual, as you presumably work whereas she'll probably be home most of the time.)

Just tell your friend firmly that it's not going to happen. Suggest that her friend stay with her for a while if she isn't happy in the hostel - tell her that the woman is her friend, not yours, and you're not comfortable with a stranger staying in your house while you're away.

If your friend falls out with you over this, she's really not much of a friend at all!

SpaceTime

Sorry but her idea is daft to start with.
You don't help a recovering drug addict by leaving them, unsupervised in a complete stranger's house.

That's utterly insane as an idea.

That's even before we get into the topic of just using your house!

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into doing something you're clearly very unhappy with. That's not friendship it's abusing a relationship to manipulate someone into giving access to a resource.

bur

Did you spit out your coffee when your friend asked you this? Sounds like one of those moments.

Miaireland

I would tell your friend the answer is no. I think what she is suggesting is mad. However you could always tell her that you have spoken with your house insurance and say that if something happened while you had a house sitter that you would not be covered.

Idle Passerby

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Is there a danger your friend will put you under pressure to keep her pal living in your house rather than have her return to the hostel?

This would be a big concern too. The message this scenario would give to this junkie woman is that she is entitled to have a nice house to herself and to be paid for the privilege whenever a random acquaintance goes on holiday.

Your friends heart might be in the right place but she really isn't helping this woman with this kind of 'charity'. Im dubious about your friends good intentions in volunteering someone else's property to an untrustworthy stranger.

It's an outlandish proposition to have made in the first place and even more unbelievable she would expect you to do this.If she cant figure out why your against this that's her problem.Do not under any circumstances give your friend the keys while your away, she would only turn around and give them to her charity project. Have someone your trust look in, I would be concerned your friend and her friend would try to usethe house while your away.

LegacyUser

Someone here asked me if this is the first time she's tried to make me do something I don't want. Looking back, no it's not. It's been going on for a while. It actually started nearly as soon as we met, before we were even really friends. We were 16, and a male friend of hers fancied me. I didn't like him at all but she nagged and nagged me to go out with him until I caved in and spent a miserable week as the girlfriend of someone I couldn't stand. She's nagged me into having parties I don't want to have and having people staying over who I don't want. I realise now I've been a pushover this whole time.

She said she can't have the junkie to stay as she doesn't have as much space as me.

I told her again that the answer is no, and you're right, she has already told the junkie she can stay. I've arranged for my godmother to housesit and the security alarms will be set. I told my friend this and said the junkie is not welcome and if there is any sign of any unwelcome visitor at the house, the police will be called immediately. My friend was not happy about this, and slammed the phone down on me. If the junkie is very disappointed, I'm worried I'll have to watch my back in public now. And I've realised I don't really want to be friends with my friend any more, but if she contacts me again, how do I tell her?

miss no stars

Nonono123 wrote: »

I told her again that the answer is no, and you're right, she has already told the junkie she can stay. I've arranged for my godmother to housesit and the security alarms will be set. I told my friend this and said the junkie is not welcome and if there is any sign of any unwelcome visitor at the house, the police will be called immediately. My friend was not happy about this, and slammed the phone down on me. If the junkie is very disappointed, I'm worried I'll have to watch my back in public now. And I've realised I don't really want to be friends with my friend any more, but if she contacts me again, how do I tell her?

I'm really glad to hear that!

As for telling her you don't want to be friends anymore, screen her calls and only take the occassional one. Be busy. Tell her you're still not over the fact that she sees your house as fair game for offering up to people you don't know and to give you a bit of space, you'll see her when you get back. Phase her out. She'll know it's over this.

Tokyo

Nonono123 wrote: »

I've arranged for my godmother to housesit and the security alarms will be set. I told my friend this and said the junkie is not welcome and if there is any sign of any unwelcome visitor at the house, the police will be called immediately.

I think that this is a smart move. If nothing else, you'll be able to enjoy your vacation with peace of mind that your house isn't sitting empty back here.

My friend was not happy about this, and slammed the phone down on me. If the junkie is very disappointed, I'm worried I'll have to watch my back in public now.

I don't think that this will be too much of a problem. If your friend's 'friend' does fall off the wagon again, then her priority will be her next fix, not revenge on someone she doesn't really know. Having said that, be prudent, and don't put yourself in her path if you can help it.

And I've realised I don't really want to be friends with my friend any more, but if she contacts me again, how do I tell her?

The direct approach is best. Tell her that the events of the past few days, coupled with the way she's acted have made you seriously reconsider your friendship with her, and that you'd like for her to not contact you again.

ABajaninCork

Nonono123 wrote: »

She said she can't have the junkie to stay as she doesn't have as much space as me.

This part really stood out for me. She can't take the junkie in, but you can because you have more room? WOW!!

Nonono123 wrote: »

I told her again that the answer is no, and you're right, she has already told the junkie she can stay. I've arranged for my godmother to housesit and the security alarms will be set.

WTF?? She's more than a couple of button short of a shirt...What a cheeky biatch.

Nonono123 wrote: »

I told my friend this and said the junkie is not welcome and if there is any sign of any unwelcome visitor at the house, the police will be called immediately. My friend was not happy about this, and slammed the phone down on me. If the junkie is very disappointed, I'm worried I'll have to watch my back in public now. And I've realised I don't really want to be friends with my friend any more, but if she contacts me again, how do I tell her?

She ain't no friend. She ******* Radio Rental. If she's bright enough to contact you again, tell her to **** right off! How DARE she put you in this position? Don't sugar coat it. She's bang of out order and needs to be put back in her box. I'd also be letting the Gards know so that they can keep an eye on the house if your godmother needs to pop out.

Cheeky mare!

BTW - if the junkie's skint, why isn't the 'friend' giving HER money? I bet there'll be 101 reasons as to why...

Sun in Capri

Agree with Cara May. Leaving the woman's history to one side, I would not let any stranger stay one night in my house with me never mind house sitting when I am not there. A receipe for disaster. I would loose my friend rather than agree to this. Your friend may be a kind person trying to help others less fortunate and that is wonderful but you do not have to be party to this. She is being very unfair asking you to do this and also very naive.

maria34

Reading that all now i think its your so called friend who could be more dangerous in your life than 50 junkies altogether. At least u know to keep away from junkies, but u would never know how that friend treats u because she is near u.

I would keep away from her and her business from now on.

foggy_lad

Nonono123 wrote: »

Someone here asked me if this is the first time she's tried to make me do something I don't want. Looking back, no it's not. It's been going on for a while. It actually started nearly as soon as we met, before we were even really friends. We were 16, and a male friend of hers fancied me. I didn't like him at all but she nagged and nagged me to go out with him until I caved in and spent a miserable week as the girlfriend of someone I couldn't stand. She's nagged me into having parties I don't want to have and having people staying over who I don't want. I realise now I've been a pushover this whole time.

She said she can't have the junkie to stay as she doesn't have as much space as me.

I told her again that the answer is no, and you're right, she has already told the junkie she can stay. I've arranged for my godmother to housesit and the security alarms will be set. I told my friend this and said the junkie is not welcome and if there is any sign of any unwelcome visitor at the house, the police will be called immediately. My friend was not happy about this, and slammed the phone down on me. If the junkie is very disappointed, I'm worried I'll have to watch my back in public now. And I've realised I don't really want to be friends with my friend any more, but if she contacts me again, how do I tell her?

That "friend" sounds like a right tramp of a yoke to be using you like that for so long! Can you be sure she is not on the heroin or crack cocaine herself? She definitely has some connection to the junkie, maybe related or owed money by her? Maybe your friend is her dealer?

<Mod Snip - watch the language please>

pc7

Hopefully that's the end of it now op, so glad you've someone you trust minding the place. We went away before for a few months and had a close friend house sit and it was great (they live at home) and loved having the place to themselves and we could relax knowing the house was being lived in and safe.
As for you friend, she really isn't one, she's toxic and you are well rid. It sounds like she's very spoiled and has taken advantage of your good nature. In a few months with her our of your life you'll look back and see how much lighter and happier you are without tip toeing around a 'friend' doing what 'they' want so as not to upset them. Lots of us have had friends like this you learn not to put time into friendships like this and do it with the ones that are real friends and care back for you.
Have a super trip and enjoy the time away.

ManOfMystery

Is your friend on drugs too? My mind boggles as to how someone can be so deluded that they think it's ok to just offer up a mate's free house for a month to an ex-junkie and known criminal.

Your friend is not a 'friend' IMO, she sees you as a means to an end - it may not be financially motivated but it's certainly ego-motivated. You've done 100% the right thing to refuse her, now seal the deal and cut her out of your life.

Tramps Like Us

OP you have done the right thing but you should not call people junkies

stoeger

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

OP you have done the right thing but you should not call people junkies

Why not a junkies a junkie no matter how you dress it up