Casual 'Fun'

LegacyUser

Hi Boards. I met a girl through an online dating site and we've already met up a few times for casual sex. The sex has been fantastic which is what we both just wanted, no strings attached. The thing is, I currently have a girlfriend for over a year but she doesn't really enjoy sex (it's not me or anything but she's had stuff go on in the past). Now, this girl I met wants to book a hotel and go full out. I really want to, but am starting to get a really guilty conscience about it all. Plus, it'll be hard to be away from her with no contact for so long at the hotel that she doesn't get suspicious. Help!

Tokyo

Are you seriously asking us to advise you on how to continue cheating on your girlfriend of one year?!

Have you considered the (apparently baffling) option of ending your relationship with your girlfriend, who you apparently have zero respect for?

Penny Tration

Your girlfriend doesn't deserve this.

Dump her and move on. Not only are you showing her absolutely no respect, you're putting her at risk of STDs.

LegacyUser

I love my GF. The only thing I dont love is the lack of sex, which is why I am doing what I am doing. I have natural urges, as do all men, and I can't relieve them any other way at present.

JeffKenna

Hi OP,

To be honest I'd really take a long look in the mirror and see if you are proud of the person you are. If so then I'm not going to lecture you on what to do with your girlfriend.

If you want to continue this affair then you realistically have to tell the girl about your girlfriend and get her on board. If it's a FWB situation as it seems to be then she might be ok with it.

JeffKenna

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

I love my GF. The only thing I dont love is the lack of sex, which is why I am doing what I am doing. I have natural urges, as do all men, and I can't relieve them any other way at present.

Maybe you should talk to your girlfriend about this? You make it sound as if it's her fault yet for all we know she may not want to have sex with you as you don't satisfy her/are a selfish lover? Maybe communicate a bit more and see what's going on.

LegacyUser

JeffKenna wrote: »

Maybe you should talk to your girlfriend about this? You make it sound as if it's her fault yet for all we know she may not want to have sex with you as you don't satisfy her/are a selfish lover? Maybe communicate a bit more and see what's going on.

We've already talked about it. It's not me at all. She's just never enjoyed it at any point in her life.

Tokyo

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

We've already talked about it. It's not me at all. She's just never enjoyed it at any point in her life.

Morals aside for a minute, how do you see this continuing? You and your partner are obviously polar opposites in terms of your need for sex, which is a huge part of a relationship. Do you see yourself being with her for the next year, five years, ten years? Sleeping with whatever girl comes along because your girlfriend doesn't want sex? Or would it make more sense to find someone that you are more compatible with?

JeffKenna

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

We've already talked about it. It's not me at all. She's just never enjoyed it at any point in her life.

Well you need to break up then. Have a look at the countless posts from married people in sexless relationships. An affair is only going to resolve this in the short term. More than likely your girlfriend won't start enjoying sex with you so move on.

Lux23

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

We've already talked about it. It's not me at all. She's just never enjoyed it at any point in her life.

Then you're obviously not compatible with her, end the relationship and try finding someone who is like you.

Dial Hard

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

We've already talked about it. It's not me at all. She's just never enjoyed it at any point in her life.

Well then for both your sakes, you should just do the right thing and split up now. Do you really want to be one of the many, many people we see posting in here that are miserable in sexless marriages?

You are fundamentally sexually incompatible. That is not the foundation of a happy relationship, no matter how well you get on otherwise. Well, unless she's perfectly happy for you to satisfy your sexual needs outside of the relationship, but something tells me that's not the case.

LegacyUser

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

I love my GF. The only thing I dont love is the lack of sex, which is why I am doing what I am doing. I have natural urges, as do all men, and I can't relieve them any other way at present.

If you did love her and really felt like lack of sex was a major issue for your relationship you would be honest and ask her directly to try an open relationship but you went behind her back so no you don't love her.

Your not compatible with her so you should do both of you a favor and break up so you can both find someone more suited to what you want from a relationship.

Queen-Mise

Get over yourself OP - leave your girlfriend. You have no business being in a relationship if you cannot cope with stuff like this.

No sex happens in relationships for lots of reasons. It ebbs and flows at times, that does not give you the right to go out and cheat.

Barely There

Hi OP,
I would say that a stag night away is going to be your best excuse in this situation.
I would suggest that you use a casual acquaintance as the stag is question - someone you don't see with your current GF in a social setting - perhaps a work colleague, or someone you play 5 a side football with?

The location for the stag should be somewhere quite remote, perhaps west of Ireland where the mobile coverage won't be great - this will explain your lack of phone contact over the weekend.

The stag-night excuse will also explain why you seem a bit tired when you get back after an all-night shagging session.

Best of luck.

retro:electro

Barely there- "The location for the stag should be somewhere quite remote, perhaps west of Ireland where the mobile coverage won't be great"

Ah us boggers also have mobile phone coverage over in the west too ya know!
Jesus. And as for wishing the op "good luck" while he plots to cheat on his girlfriend for the umpteenth time, have you no conscience?
Op your post got my blood boiling. You say your girlfriend was never into sex, well you should have thought about that before you entered into a relationship with her and starting plotting about shagging some randomer in a hotel. Break up with her, she deserves better.

iusedtoknow

get out of the relationship you are in - you have no right treating your GF this way. Sure we all have sex drives and if it isn't being satisfied, you will find other ways to do so. But that means that you are simply not sexually compatible with your gf. There is NO SHAME in breaking up with someone for that reason. Sex and sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in a healthy relationship

What is a problem with is sneaking behind your gf's back to get what you need. You need to break up with her, for her sake and for your own.

JeffKenna

Anna, the advise given was in good faith. Just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean the OP won't take it on board.

The problem I see with the stag is that it will have to be a continuous over a period of time if this affair will delevop. Perhaps now might be a time to take up a new hobby that will mean the occosional night away from time to time. Maybe golfing?

Also some practical advise, make sure to go into setting on your phone and turn off the notifications. That way if you get a message it won't pop up on your screen.

Lux23

Jesus!! Seasoned cheaters.

kylith

So, your girlfriend doesn't like sex, possibly because of a traumatic event in her past, and what you're worried about is how to continue your betrayal of her?

Do her a favour and leave her - you don't really care about her, you just want to have your cake and eat it. If she finds out that you have been sleeping around it will destroy her. Leave her and then you can do whoever you want.

DeltaWhite

I'm just gonna do what the charter says and direct this to the OP and not others because I would only get banned if I said what's really going through my head.

At the end of the day nothing I say will change your actions or how you're currently treating your gf. So do enjoy your guilty conscience eating away at you, it will definitely catch up with you in time for sure. How can you truly "love" your gf if you're off sleeping with some random girl? Could you answer that truthfully as I'm genuinely interested to know the answer.

If you're not happy with your sex life then change it, break up with your gf! Simple as that! The one thing in the world that I cannot stomach is a cheater. Especially one who seems to be looking for justification in his actions.. Won't get it from me mate!

Meauldsegosha

Does the woman you met online know you have a girlfriend? While she ok with casual sex she mightn't be impressed you are using her to cheat on your girlfriend.

Do you state in your online profile that you have a girlfriend? Or does lying come naturally to you?

The Friendly Newcomer

I think the OP should cop on start treating people with respect. Trying to find a way of getting away with cheating, come on man, what are you playing at? That girl that you claim you 'love' deserves so much more then what you are doing to her. If you really loved her you would tell her the truth and try to work on your relationship if she will still have you or end your relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

In an episode of 'The Office' when David Brent was trying to evade a question on whether he had a girlfriend or not he said, "What's a girlfriend?" the interviewer said "someone you have sex with".

Your girlfriend isn't your girlfriend. She's a really good friend. If you don't have sex then she is no different to any of your other female friends, except you are probably closer to her.

Your "casual" thing seems to be more of a girlfriend, actually. Booking a night/weekend in a hotel? Seems a bit much for an hour of no strings attached sex. Are you going to go asleep cuddling?

Does your "girlfriend" know you are meeting up with someone else? Obviously not if you're trying to come up with a line to use. Does the someone else know you have a gf? I doubt it or she wouldn't be suggesting a hotel stay.

Break up with your "gf" while you still have a chance to stay friends with her. That's all you are at the minute anyway. And then you are free to meet your other gf whenever and wherever you like.

dellas1979

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

but am starting to get a really guilty conscience about it all.

Because you know its wrong to do what youre doing.

When you both signed up for the relationship, I dont think she agreed to an open relationship, you are cheating OP, but neither did you sign up for a sexless relationship. Totally mismatched.

And for the love of God, if you some how manage to suppress your guilty feeling, and continue this fakeness, use protection, or the next thread will be in 9 months (and something along the lines of "she trapped me").

confusedaboutitallguy

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

I have natural urges, as do all men, and I can't relieve them any other way at present.

If they're so natural and understandable, why do you have to hide them from her?

Surely if what you were doing was okay, your girlfriend would know all about it. The best way to ease your guilty conscience is to break up with your girlfriend and let her live her life without being lied to by the person she trusts.

Does the girl you're having sex with know you have a girlfriend? Just because she wants no strings attached, doesn't mean she wants to be party to hurting someone.

Da Shins Kelly

Do your girlfriend a favour and break up with her. She can do a lot better.

Barely There

Could you take up golf OP?
A second hand set of clubs on ebay wouldn't set you back very much and it would allow you to slip away for a few hours every weekend to meet up for some sex sessions with the other girl.

DeltaWhite

My situation will be different to yours but it's just that I can't process how you say you "love" your gf and also say you have natural urges like all men. I had minor surgery last year that resulted in me not being able to have sex for 2 months. Did my bf go out and cheat on me cos of his "natural urges"

No. He didn't. He was nothing but supportive to me because he actually *loves* me. Not once did he complain, not once did he push me for sex. He did what he was supposed to do and was there for me. Like someone that loves you is supposed to do.

Yes, fair enough your gf has her own issues for not wanting sex, but then why are you even with her? Is she ever going to have sex with you? Are you just going to plod along for years cheating on her?

Just a few questions that I'm interested to know the answers to!

jellyboy

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

I love my GF. The only thing I dont love is the lack of sex, which is why I am doing what I am doing. I have natural urges, as do all men, and I can't relieve them any other way at present.

To be fair op ,most men can control their urges and have values and boundaries that don't allow people to be hurt

As all the other posters suggest ..let her go to find somebody who will respect ,treasure her for the woman that she is

JeffKenna

DeltaWhite wrote: »

My situation will be different to yours but it's just that I can't process how you say you "love" your gf and also say you have natural urges like all men. I had minor surgery last year that resulted in me not being able to have sex for 2 months. Did my bf go out and cheat on me cos of his "natural urges"

No. He didn't. He was nothing but supportive to me because he actually *loves* me. Not once did he complain, not once did he push me for sex. He did what he was supposed to do and was there for me. Like someone that loves you is supposed to do.

Yes, fair enough your gf has her own issues for not wanting sex, but then why are you even with her? Is she ever going to have sex with you? Are you just going to plod along for years cheating on her?

Just a few questions that I'm interested to know the answers to!

I'm sorry but your situation has zero relevance to the OP. You couldn't have sex because of surgery. To paint your boyfriend out to be some martyr because of this is ridiculous. Your boyfriend knew you couldn't have sex, the OP's girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. Hence the difference. Put yourself into the OP's shoes for a minute, he loves his girlfriend and is completely torn as she is unwilling to be intimate with him. This is a lot more than natural urges. The feeling of rejection can be over consuming.

Chattastrophe!

Try and imagine being in your girlfriend's position. Imagine if you found out that she had being having regular sex with some other man for a year. How would you feel? I'm guessing hurt, disrespected, furious, betrayed.

The fact that there is no sex in your relationship is something that you need to address. OK, you have natural needs, but there are other ways of dealing with this in the short term (porn, masturbation) ... in the long term, you are going to have to really consider why you're still with this girl. You say you love her, but you don't respect her at all, and if you're having sex with someone else she has the right to make the decision about whether she wants to stay with you or not. It's not fair for you to make that decision for her.

You never know - she might be OK with the idea of you having no-strings-attached sex with other girls, so long as you're open about it. Or she might decide to finish the relationship - but that's her choice to make. Perhaps you should look into therapy options for her that might deal with her feelings toward sex?

The longer this goes on, the more difficult it is going to be. At the end of the day, if you're not sexually compatible, the relationship is not going to last. Where do you see this going? Are you going to end up married, but still sneaking out for regular sex with other women? Have you discussed the issue of having children together?

If I were you, I'd make the decision right now that you're not going to betray your girlfriend again - not even one last time. And focus on addressing the issues in your relationship, instead of avoiding having to deal with them by getting your fix elsewhere. Honestly though it sounds to me like your relationship is already over, and has been for some time. If you break up with her, both you and her will have the freedom to stay single, or to find new partners with whom you are more compatible. It's unfair to let this drag out any longer.

kylith

JeffKenna wrote: »

I'm sorry but your situation has zero relevance to the OP. You couldn't have sex because of surgery. To paint your boyfriend out to be some martyr because of this is ridiculous. Your boyfriend knew you couldn't have sex, the OP's girlfriend doesn't want to have sex. Hence the difference. Put yourself into the OP's shoes for a minute, he loves his girlfriend and is completely torn as she is unwilling to be intimate with him. This is a lot more than natural urges. The feeling of rejection can be over consuming.

Well then the answer is to decide whether to talk honestly to his gf and decide whether helping her overcome her problems with sex is something he can do, or to leave her and find a relationship in which he feels fulfilled. The answer is NOT to screw around behind her back and then shrug it off as 'needs'.

Stavro Mueller

The thing is, I can't see this ending well no matter what happens. You can't go on having your casual fun with this other woman indefinitely. Either she'll tire of the situation, she'll meet someone else who has more to offer or your girlfriend will find out. This woman is merely sticking plaster over a problem that doesn't look like it's going to be solved. If you stay with your girlfriend you're facing into a lifetime of celibacy with her and you're going to have to turn to other women for your urges.

Really you would be better off finishing it with your gf and finding sometime you're more sexually compatible with. In the long term it's the best thing for everyone

JeffKenna

kylith wrote: »

Well then the answer is to decide whether to talk honestly to his gf and decide whether helping her overcome her problems with sex is something he can do, or to leave her and find a relationship in which he feels fulfilled. The answer is NOT to screw around behind her back and then shrug it off as 'needs'.

Well no the answer is not to talk honestly to his girlfriend about this as the OP has already stated that this avenue is already exhausted to no avail. There are too many posts here from married men who are in unhappy sexless marriages. The OP is extremely lucky that he is not married and has the opportunity to find someone who is capable of being in a true loving relationship.

I can see 3 options here for the OP:

1. Stay as you are. Be prepared for a life in an unfulfilling relationship.

2. Cheat on his girlfriend, get the emotional connection from outside the relationship. Again the problem with option 1 will still exist.

3. Break up with his girlfriend and after some time enter a fulfilling relationship.

OP my advise would be to forget your girlfriend for a second and consider what is best for your life. Do you really value yourself so little that you are willing to stay with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you?

Take no notice of the knockers here, you obviously love your girlfriend or you wouldn't have posted here. A bit of casual fun on the side doesn't change that.

Penny Tration

I don't believe the OP loves his girlfriend, not really.

However - OP, you're entitled to not be in a sexless relationship. A sexless relationship is a friendship, and you have needs.

The problem here is that you're fulfilling your needs in a way that betrays your girlfriend horribly.

Be realistic, you cannot spend your life in a sexless relationship, while cheating on the side. You know that won't work long term.

Your situation is untenable. End things with the girlfriend, as the situation is unfair to you and her.

Dark Phoenix

Your girlfriend is not a girlfriend. She is a girl you have feelings for but do not have sex with therefore she is just a friend. if you have OP tried to talk to her and got nowhere why not just break up as you are completely incompatible and cheating on her won;t fix the problem in any way and is pretty sure to lead to more problems.

If you look on here there are a huge volume of threads about people in sexless relationships and i honestly dont understand it myself because if you are that incompatible theres no point staying with people and hoping they will change.

Your only other option would be to see if your girlfriend would be happy for you to satify your needs physically and not emotionally with someone else while still being in a relationship with her. I'd imagine she won;t be but ive heard of far stranger things so who knows.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses.

So I'm going to meet up with this internet girl again on Saturday. The stag excuse wont work so I'm going with the round of golf excuse (as I play from time to time anyway) and she'll be up the country at home anyway.

I don't expect to continue on with this girl I met much longer. Probably 2 or 3 more sessions so we can do whatever we crave sexually. After that I'm not sure if I'll look for someone else or will be content for a while. I'm definitely 100% into my actual GF and we've already talked about weddings etc.

I guess I can only let you know more after Saturday.

LegacyUser

Also, can you book a hotel and leave without staying the night in Dublin??

Probably will get ridiculed for asking this but I'm sure someone here knows.

JeffKenna

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses.

So I'm going to meet up with this internet girl again on Saturday. The stag excuse wont work so I'm going with the round of golf excuse (as I play from time to time anyway) and she'll be up the country at home anyway.

I don't expect to continue on with this girl I met much longer. Probably 2 or 3 more sessions so we can do whatever we crave sexually. After that I'm not sure if I'll look for someone else or will be content for a while. I'm definitely 100% into my actual GF and we've already talked about weddings etc.

I guess I can only let you know more after Saturday.

Listen best of luck with it anyway, I think we can all appreciate what a difficult situation you're in so I hope things work out.

Point of note as well, if you are 100% going down this root you might want to consider deactivating your Facebook for a few weeks. More than likely that's how you'd get caught out.

Chattastrophe!

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses.

So I'm going to meet up with this internet girl again on Saturday. The stag excuse wont work so I'm going with the round of golf excuse (as I play from time to time anyway) and she'll be up the country at home anyway.

I don't expect to continue on with this girl I met much longer. Probably 2 or 3 more sessions so we can do whatever we crave sexually. After that I'm not sure if I'll look for someone else or will be content for a while. I'm definitely 100% into my actual GF and we've already talked about weddings etc.

I guess I can only let you know more after Saturday.

I don't think anyone here is too interested in an update, seeing as you're blatantly ignoring the vast majority of responses given to you. I do pity your girlfriend, and I really hope that a time comes when you can learn to respect her a little bit more. She deserves better, and if you loved her, you'd realise that and you wouldn't be happy for anyone in the world to treat her the way you're treating her right now.

The Friendly Newcomer

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses.

So I'm going to meet up with this internet girl again on Saturday. The stag excuse wont work so I'm going with the round of golf excuse (as I play from time to time anyway) and she'll be up the country at home anyway.

I don't expect to continue on with this girl I met much longer. Probably 2 or 3 more sessions so we can do whatever we crave sexually. After that I'm not sure if I'll look for someone else or will be content for a while. I'm definitely 100% into my actual GF and we've already talked about weddings etc.

I guess I can only let you know more after Saturday.

Are you serious? That has to be one of the most depressing posts I have ever read. You cannot let her marry you without letting her know what you've been at. If you truly loved her you would understand.

Meauldsegosha

OP I don't know if you are naive or just plain stupid. Why would you want to marry someone you have never had sex with and, possibly, never will have sex with? You may well love this girl but it is a friendship you have with her not a relationship.

Think about it for a moment, if you marry this girl you will spend the next 30, 40, 50 years cheating and that will not be good for either of you.

The Friendly Newcomer

I am beginning to think this guy is trolling.

JeffKenna

The Friendly Newcomer wrote: »

I am beginning to think this guy is trolling.

I have to admit I presumed that after his opening post.

LegacyUser

JeffKenna wrote: »

I have to admit I presumed that after his opening post.

I can assure you I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to check the general opinions of everyone. It doesn't mean I actually have to heed your advice.

The Friendly Newcomer

confusedaboutitallguy wrote: »

I can assure you I'm not doing that. I'm just trying to check the general opinions of everyone. It doesn't mean I actually have to heed your advice.

But come on man, why would you do that to the woman you love and by the sounds of it want to marry?

Tokyo

The Friendly Newcomer, JeffKenna - please keep the speculation out of this thread. As per the forum charter, if you have an issue with a post, report it. Comments such as yours can, and often are, actioned.

Regards,
Mike

Boskowski

While I'm not saying what you're doing is the best possible solution to your dilemma you were only going to get one sort of answer here. The 'you swine' sort.

Did that not strike you when writing up your OP?

Mr. Incognito

I doubt the second girl knows that it's only casual sex.

She probably thinks that they are going out.

I feel sorry for you. You might think about seeking treatment for sexual addiction as you are obviously not living in reality but a fantasy of your own creation.

You might want to google narcissism also

Potatoeman

If you get caught whats the worst thing that can happen? You might think you can justify it to your girlfriend but what about friends and family?

This seems like its going to end in tears.

JeffKenna

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I doubt the second girl knows that it's only casual sex.

She probably thinks that they are going out.

I feel sorry for you. You might think about seeking treatment for sexual addiction as you are obviously not living in reality but a fantasy of your own creation.

You might want to google narcissism also

That's a bit overboard. Why does the OP need help for sexual addiction? His more or less in a sexless relationship and wants to have sex. I see nothing wrong with that. That kind of negative attitude to sex has prevailed in ireland long enough.