My father is going into a home

hairyslug

Im not sure if this is the right place to post this so please move if needed.

My father (92) has dementia, some days are good, some absolutely horrific, for the past 8 years, since he had a hip op. which didn't go to plan, my mother (72) has been caring for him. Six months ago my mother was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. The chemo and long stays in St Lukes has taken its toll on her and I myself am seeing the same traits my father had at the early stages of dementia (honestly could all be in my head)

My family has decided that it is best to put my father in full time care, currently he is in respite for a few weeks while we organise everything and it is killing me, in my heart I don't want him there but my head knows that what he needs is not what I or the rest of my family can provide (I am the only relative close enough to be able to offer care)

I find it impossible to visit him, I just can't bring myself to go past the doors knowing that I will have to leave him there, the staff in the home are great and they understand. What is keeping me going is knowing that for now it is only short term and he will be home for a few weeks when one of my sisters is home.

Basically what I'm looking for is advice, I know it is best for him but I know I will be in bits leaving him there when I have visited, I know it's selfish but I'm just finding it incredibly difficult.

janmaree

We're in the same boat in our family, the only difference being that our Mum has passed away. I think you know in your heart that this is the only option when our loved ones need this level of care but that doesn't mean we are thrilled at the idea of handing them over to the care of strangers. I feel that we are actually grieving their loss, for many reasons, even though they are still with us and it's very natural and understandable. Reading your post, it's obvious that you have been going through incredible personal stress, both witnessing the long term deterioration of your Dad and then your Mum's illness for so many months. It's been a very painful time for you just getting to this point and now there's more grief to be endured as you find yourselves having to make decisions for a situation that you probably hoped would never arise.

I honestly don't think you really need advice so much as you need to hear that what you're feeling is natural. Full stop. You can beat yourself up for being human....but what's the point. This is a desperately tough time for all of you and there will be tears and there will be self-doubt......"are we doing the right thing, is there any OTHER option!", but you will come to realise that what you already said is true,

what he needs is not what I or the rest of my family can provide

And that's it in a nutshell. I feel for you more than I can say but I would like to suggest that you contact The Carers Association (they have a very good website) and talk to them. They have been through all of this many, many times and their insight into the emotional rollercoaster that this situation is can't be valued highly enough. That would be my advice to you, together with give yourself permission to feel however you ARE feeling at the moment, it will ease eventually as the changes in your family situation become more calm and acceptable. It won't be an easy ride but you will survive it.

Sending you hugs. J.

Frito

This is not something I've experienced personally and I'm sorry for the stresses your family is going through right now.
I would agree with Jan, you are grieving in a certain manner of speaking and the suggestion of carers' association might be helpful for you.

I think it's important for you to remember that this is not a decision you've made alone - as a family you have all agreed this is best for your family. You logically understand that this is the best option in terms of providing safe, quality dementia care for your father, to allow your mother to adjust to the gruelling effects of cancer treatment...and then to recover, to allow your family to adjust to all the upheaval, and to allow yourselves as individuals to claw back some semblance of life outside of constant care-giving (and care-receiving).

Of course we may understand something intellectually, but then those feelings! Guilt, worry, guilt, more guilt, failure, and more guilt on top.

You will find as your father settles into his new home that you haven't 'left' someone else to care for him. You will still be a carer. You will be making sure he eats adequately, is clean and well-cared for, is happy, that his finances are being used appropriately, that he keeps his hospital/day care/chiropody appointments, noticing the progression of his illness in terms of the extra support he will need. You will still care for him, but your caring role will be transformed.

lulu1

Hi I know just how you feel except it was my father in law. He was 90 and bedridden. He lived right next door to us so it was left to us to look after him day and night. The rest of the family lived within a couple of miles and never once asked to help. The odd time they came in they would say to put him into a nursing unit but we couldn't do it. I know it must be a terrible time for you but I say follow your heart because I dont think you are ready to put him into a nursing unit just yet. I say keeo him at home and look for as much home help as you can get. When you feel you cant go on any longer then it will be a much easier decision to make.