Cheated?

JeffKenna

elefant wrote: »

I really don't think this is an issue at all and shouldn't even be part of considerations. Nothing wrong with it.

Well that's neither here not there and a discussion for a different day. The important thing now is the OP looks after himself for the next while.

Snoutface

JeffKenna wrote: »

I was just thinking there.

No one seems to have given you any advise about looking after yourself. I'm taking this happened very recently, it's a horrible situation to be in. If it were me I'd try and get a few days space from her just to give yourself time to take it in/let the shock wear off. Head to the gym tonight just to blow off some steam and focus on something else for a little while. I know it's a very easy thing to say but you'll feel way better after it. Do you have any friends/family to meet up with to keep you company at the moment?

The thing is yesterday we moved to a new place with my brother. I stayed at my Ma's last night and got absolutely twisted drunk, as a means of escape I suppose. I couldn't possibly go to a gym right now, although it is something I do usually.
I am chain smoking too, I think I've smoked 40 since I got this news yesterday evening. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back and have to sit with her for the night.

Neyite

JeffKenna wrote: »

I was just thinking there.

No one seems to have given you any advise about looking after yourself. I'm taking this happened very recently, it's a horrible situation to be in. If it were me I'd try and get a few days space from her just to give yourself time to take it in/let the shock wear off. Head to the gym tonight just to blow off some steam and focus on something else for a little while. I know it's a very easy thing to say but you'll feel way better after it. Do you have any friends/family to meet up with to keep you company at the moment?

Good advice. I'd also state the obvious and say that despite the fact you probably would love to get hammered right now, therein lies the way towards drunk texts and complications so do try to avoid alcohol for a little while.

Snoutface

Neyite wrote: »

Good advice. I'd also state the obvious and say that despite the fact you probably would love to get hammered right now, therein lies the way towards drunk texts and complications so do try to avoid alcohol for a little while.

Is there any way I can get her to admit to what actually happened? If she just told me they had proper sex and all the rest for some reason I think I'd actually feel better. It's the fact that she's lying about the events that has me in pieces.

Neyite

Snoutface wrote: »

The thing is yesterday we moved to a new place with my brother. I stayed at my Ma's last night and got absolutely twisted drunk, as a means of escape I suppose. I couldn't possibly go to a gym right now, although it is something I do usually.
I am chain smoking too, I think I've smoked 40 since I got this news yesterday evening. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back and have to sit with her for the night.

So stay at your mums again tonight? I stayed 3 weeks with my parents after a break up, chainsmoked and barely kept any food down. Thank god for the mammy's homemade soup! But I needed that space to process things, and you do too. You'll never get that staring at the 4 walls and the person who hurt you.

Snoutface

Neyite wrote: »

So stay at your mums again tonight? I stayed 3 weeks with my parents after a break up, chainsmoked and barely kept any food down. Thank god for the mammy's homemade soup! But I needed that space to process things, and you do too. You'll never get that staring at the 4 walls and the person who hurt you.

I don't want to tell my parents what happened. We were living with them while this happened. When she went for 2 nights they were worried about her and calling her etc asking her to come home, that I was sorry for messing up. They are very fond of her.
I can't tell them this. I feel pathetic, that I've been cheated on. What a loser.

JeffKenna

Snoutface wrote: »

The thing is yesterday we moved to a new place with my brother. I stayed at my Ma's last night and got absolutely twisted drunk, as a means of escape I suppose. I couldn't possibly go to a gym right now, although it is something I do usually.
I am chain smoking too, I think I've smoked 40 since I got this news yesterday evening. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go back and have to sit with her for the night.

I don't blame you at all to be honest.
It's a complete mess of a situation, I dunno while the advise here is all good i get a feeling your in no state to have a conversation with the girl or be thinking about what she did. Can you get away anywhere for a few days? Cut out the drink if you can - again easier said than done I know.

Remember, it's always darkest before dawn.

JeffKenna

Snoutface wrote: »

I don't want to tell my parents what happened. We were living with them while this happened. When she went for 2 nights they were worried about her and calling her etc asking her to come home, that I was sorry for messing up. They are very fond of her.
I can't tell them this. I feel pathetic, that I've been cheated on. What a loser.

It goes without saying your not a loser or pathetic. She's the one who's pathetic for what she's done.

Snoutface

JeffKenna wrote: »

It goes without saying your not a loser or pathetic. She's the one who's pathetic for what she's done.

But she claims that she thought we were "100%" over. As I said, she has a very short sighted view when she's angry. If she was so sure we were over why did she come back the next day?

JeffKenna

Snoutface wrote: »

But she claims that she thought we were "100%" over. As I said, she has a very short sighted view when she's angry. If she was so sure we were over why did she come back the next day?

Personally I couldn't be with someone if anytime we had a fight I'd be worried she was gone off with some fella. It would absolutely drive me crazy.

Also you said earlier you just moved in together? Doesn't sound like you were 100% over to me.

Neyite

Snoutface wrote: »

Is there any way I can get her to admit to what actually happened? If she just told me they had proper sex and all the rest for some reason I think I'd actually feel better. It's the fact that she's lying about the events that has me in pieces.

I think thats the part that hurts the most. The act is what it is. Its the lying about it, the self-absorbtion of the cheater to lie to your face in spite of the fact that the lies are the part that hurt you. The lies are what shatter a relationship and ruin it for good.

My ex never ever admitted it. I came home to find two wineglasses with lipstick on one, and the bedsheets changed for the first time in history by him. And he denies that anyone bar him set foot that night into my home. :rolleyes: 11 years on, I've no doubt he would still deny it if I asked him. He cant even be honest with himself, thats how pathetic he is, and ditto for your girlfriend.

Assume they had full intercourse. Assume they both thouroghly enjoyed it. Assume that if you hadnt found anything, they may have met up again and again behind your back in a full blown affair. And get mad. Get annoyed enough to dump her and leave them both to each other.

endacl

Sorry for what follows OP. I normally try to put things more gently in this forum. You and she have a hell of a lot of growing up to do, whether or not you stay together. That's what I'd address. The 'relating to each other as adults' bit.

Czarcasm

Honestly OP I don't think there's much good can come of trying to get answers from your girlfriend at this point. The relationship doesn't sound like it was doing either of you any favors, and maybe your girlfriend cheating is a sign that maybe you're just not meant for each other. Maybe you were once, but between the drinking and the arguing and now cheating...

You're both in your 30's right? I don't think you should waste any more time tbh, and I normally wouldn't say that, but there really does seem to be a whole set of adverse circumstances here that I don't think are healthy for either of you.

I'd suggest that as well as booking an STI screening, that you book an appointment with your GP and have a serious chat about your drinking and what's going on in your life, and hopefully you can begin to make some changes that will benefit you both physically and mentally, that you'll be able to cope with the weeks ahead, regardless of what decision you make.

Snoutface

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly OP I don't think there's much good can come of trying to get answers from your girlfriend at this point. The relationship doesn't sound like it was doing either of you any favors, and maybe your girlfriend cheating is a sign that maybe you're just not meant for each other. Maybe you were once, but between the drinking and the arguing and now cheating...

But it was, we were happy for the most part, at least I was. I'm not sure I can get past this. I don't know what to do I finish work in about an hour and a half and I don't know where to go.

JeffKenna

Czarcasm wrote: »

Honestly OP I don't think there's much good can come of trying to get answers from your girlfriend at this point. The relationship doesn't sound like it was doing either of you any favors, and maybe your girlfriend cheating is a sign that maybe you're just not meant for each other. Maybe you were once, but between the drinking and the arguing and now cheating...

You're both in your 30's right? I don't think you should waste any more time tbh, and I normally wouldn't say that, but there really does seem to be a whole set of adverse circumstances here that I don't think are healthy for either of you.

I'd suggest that as well as booking an STI screening, that you book an appointment with your GP and have a serious chat about your drinking and what's going on in your life, and hopefully you can begin to make some changes that will benefit you both physically and mentally, that you'll be able to cope with the weeks ahead, regardless of what decision you make.

You're getting good advise here OP, I really hope you take it.

rule supreme

You should talk to someone , maybe your brother ,it helps to talk ,but you should tell your parents because you didnt do anything wrong and you could do with some support at this time .

Snoutface

rule supreme wrote: »

You should talk to someone , maybe your brother ,it helps to talk ,but you should tell your parents because you didnt do anything wrong and you could do with some support at this time .

Well I can be a handful for her at times too. I'm not a perfect boyfriend or anything. But I've never stayed out all night or had anything with anyone else since we met. It doesn't get any lower than this. I just want to go asleep for 10 years.
I don't want to tell my brother about this, we don't really have those conversations, and him and her are good friends at this stage.

JeffKenna

Snoutface wrote: »

But it was, we were happy for the most part, at least I was. I'm not sure I can get past this. I don't know what to do I finish work in about an hour and a half and I don't know where to go.

Look I don't know your financial situation but right now if I were you I'd have a look online for a hotel with a gym and leisure centre. Get yourself some chips or whatever on the way there and head for a swim, hop into the steam room or hit the gym.

Snoutface

JeffKenna wrote: »

Look I don't know your financial situation but right now if I were you I'd have a look online for a hotel with a gym and leisure centre. Get yourself some chips or whatever on the way there and head for a swim, hop into the steam room or hit the gym.

I am desperately hungover and I can't afford a hotel. And why should I have to make other accommodation plans? Shouldn't she be doing that?

Neyite

Snoutface wrote: »

I am desperately hungover and I can't afford a hotel. And why should I have to make other accommodation plans? Shouldn't she be doing that?

Depends on who has the name on the mortgage or rental agreement to be honest. Can you text her and ask her to stay somewhere else for a few nights? Honestly I think that you being hungover and hurt, and her ready to be righteous and argue with you, tonight is not going to be pretty if you go home and she is there.

Or is there a friend you can stay with?

JeffKenna

Snoutface wrote: »

I am desperately hungover and I can't afford a hotel. And why should I have to make other accommodation plans? Shouldn't she be doing that?

Well yeah, but being honest you seem slightly on edge. I think you should stay away from her in case you do something you might regret.

chellyry

Snoutface wrote: »

Well she wasn't preggers as she had her period the day she came back. We didn't have sex until the next day.

I wouldn't believe this. She had sex on the Friday (I highly doubt she let a guy have sex with her/stick it into her for the first time while she had her period), then supposedly had her period on the Saturday and Sunday, then had sex with you on the Monday. I'd say she was just using the whole period excuse to give herself a chance to think about what to do before sleeping with you or else she was covering her ass because she knew you would instantly be wondering if she could be pregnant from the other guy. It's possible she did have it but unlikely, either way ye both need to get checked and don't have sex again until ye get results - even if ye make up.

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Me personally I would be dumping her. Saying adios and maybe tapping all her mates too. But I'm a dxxk. And you seem in love. This is going to consume you. Make you constantly jealous and petty till she dumps you.

Maybe ask yourself. What would she do?

Don't sleep with one of her friends (if she has even one female friend). No matter how horrible the situation is that is never the thing to do. Word would travel and you might find it hard to get another girl to trust you in the future. Not to mention how wrong it is!



It's up to you whether you forgive her but if you do don't throw it back in her face during every argument you have in the future. If you're going to do that you may as well end things for good now because you'll both suffer in the long run otherwise.

Snoutface

Neyite wrote: »

Depends on who has the name on the mortgage or rental agreement to be honest. Can you text her and ask her to stay somewhere else for a few nights? Honestly I think that you being hungover and hurt, and her ready to be righteous and argue with you, tonight is not going to be pretty if you go home and she is there.

Or is there a friend you can stay with?

Well my brother owns it he's just letting us live there for a while till we sorted our own place. Have I any hope here? The sad thing is I miss her desperately but that just makes me feel like a chump.

Chance The Rapper

Tell your brother. He shouldn't be accommodating her while you're suffering. If he knew he would kick her out

Neyite

Snoutface wrote: »

Well my brother owns it he's just letting us live there for a while till we sorted our own place. Have I any hope here? The sad thing is I miss her desperately but that just makes me feel like a chump.

Aha! then you can ask her to leave. Or your brother can. Is there a lease signed?

Of course you will miss her. You are mourning and grieving for your relationship. But you wont miss her any less sitting looking at her.

mylefttesticle

Take this opportunity to have new life, honestly life is too short to be putting up with people like this, they will just ruin your life until you wake up one day and you are full of regrets.

Their is amazing people out there who don't want to hurt others especially ones they say they are in love with, people in love don't f**k other people! unless they have that sort of arrangement!

Its not just the cheating, its the lying, the twisting of truth, the turning of events to suit herself.

Go to the gym, stop smoking for a few hours, get out of the house.

At the very least don't contact her for a week for any reason and just think about if that is the person you want to spend your valuable free time with.

Snoutface

Neyite wrote: »

Aha! then you can ask her to leave. Or your brother can. Is there a lease signed?

Of course you will miss her. You are mourning and grieving for your relationship. But you wont miss her any less sitting looking at her.

The thought of her leaving is heartbreaking though.

tinkerbell

OP, sounds like you can just kick her out so. It's your brothers place, so tell her she needs to stay elsewhere. If she can disappear for 2 nights, well she obviously has places where she can stay.

And I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Please don't say you are a loser. You are not. You are the victim here. There is nothing you have to be ashamed of. I really think you should talk to your parents / brother. They will support you and will not judge you. And regardless of if they had sex for 10 seconds, 10 minutes or 10 hours, they still had sex.

She is a scumbag - she cheated on you, had unprotected sex, and then she crawled back into your bed and had sex with you, she has no regard for your health or not. What if she's after picking up an STI? She could've passed it onto you.

My advice: dump the cheating cow, kick her out and fast track yourself to your GP to get tested for STIs.

Chance The Rapper

The first thing to do is have a good long shower

tinkerbell

Snoutface wrote: »

The thought of her leaving is heartbreaking though.

Of course it is. You've only just found out what she has done. You are gonna be devastated right now, but in time you will see that you are doing the right thing by dumping her.

Her claim that she thought you were 100% broken up is rubbish. You don't have a row and then jump into the nearest guy's bed.