workaholic husband

greenieted

Hi all,
I am new to boards and really only joined as I am having this problem and don't feel I can speak to anyone I know as I am embarrassed by my marital problems so I'm really hoping some of you might be willing to offer some advice or just to allow me to vent. Thanks!

I am 29, I met my husband at 17 and we have been married for 5 years. We have a daughter who is almost 2 and I am currently pregnant with baby number 2 (which was a bit of a surprise!) My husband is a farmer and he loves his job. I met met him when he was 20 and he was in the process of inheriting the family farm at the time. As his father was quite elderly the standard of the farm had slipped and needed to be modernised so he spent alot of time, money and effort bringing the place up to standard in the first 3 or 4 years we were together. I was concerned about how much time he spent working but he assured me it was only short term because he needed to make the improvements etc plus I was away at university at the time and only really noticed the issue at weekends or over holidays. When I graduated we got engaged and decided to build a house. We did this ourselves with my husband (a former builder) basically working as the contractor. For the next two years we was really busy but he said it was just because he was working on the house. I was planning the wedding and job hunting so I was pretty busy myself so didn't make much of a fuss. We then got married in June of 2009 and the first seven months were fantastic. He was caring, attentive. loving and living together was what I had always dreamed of. Then in February lambing season started and he was soooooo busy, never in the house and when he was he was exhausted but I thought its short term. but after lambing came sheep shearing season then silage season then harvest time then cleaning out the sheds then it was November/December which were fine and then come January it started all over again and so it has been for the past five years. He is never at home (he leaves around 8.30 and doesn't come back til midnight), when he is in he is either on the phone making arrangements for the farm or he is cranky and tired because he is overworked.

I hate this, I have told him repeatedly that I hate this and he promises he will change but he never does. His brother used to work on the farm with him but he left and hubby will not scale down the workload or the stock numbers and is now doing the work of two men. I have always hated it but I was able to cope better in the past as rather than sitting alone in an empty house all evening I would go visit friends, or go out with friends or go to an exercise class but since I had my little girl its really difficult to get of the house so I basically spend every night in the house alone and I am just so lonely. We discussed this before I became pregnant with first child and he promised he would cut stock numbers to spend more time as a family once we had a baby but he hasn't followed through. So now I feel completely alone and neglected and my daughter rarely sees her father as she is always in bed when he comes home. He also works all day Saturday and most of Sunday so we never get to do anything or go anywhere together.

I do love my husband, he treats me kindly and has never once cheated on me or raised a hand to me so he thinks that makes him a great husband and can't understand why I am so angry with him. But I am just so desperately lonely I feel angry and upset and sad all the time then he comes in and midnight at can't understand why I don't want to have sex with him! Well of course I don't, I don't feel close to him anymore. Then me not being in the mood leads to rows which leads to him staying out even later.

When I speak to him about this problem he says I'm not out in the pub or away with my mates I'm working what's your problem. My problem is loneliness!! When we married I moved to his area (about an hour from my home) and I have made no friends here because we never go out to socialise so I can't meet people, his family who I was close with before the wedding have all fallen out with each other (not with me) but family gatherings no longer happen so basically I have no one and even if I had surely its not wrong to expect to spend some time with my actual husband!

If he was working to make money for the family I might find this a bit easier to live with but farming has had a few problems in recent years and even with all his work he barely breaks even (which makes me feel really sorry for him) and any profit he does make goes to replacing broken machinery or getting medicine for sick animals. I work full time and have a well paid job. I pay the mortgage, I but the food, I pay for creche, I pay the bills. All his money from the farm goes back into the farm. He keeps saying its short term things will pick up, the work will level out etc etc etc but nothing ever changes and its been like this for YEARS. I am less tolerant since I had my daughter but even so it has been like this for as long as we have been married.

In Feb this year I decided I couldn't take it any longer. I was desperately lonely and even though I didn't want to take my little girl away from her home and her daddy I decided it wasn't fair for her to see me crying all the time either. So I searched the internet and found a holiday home about 10 mins from my home and decided to book that for me and my daughter for 3 weeks and then decide what to do long term. I didn't really want to leave my husband if I'm honest I just thought that leaving temporarily might shock him into seeing how unhappy I am (I tell him all the time but he doesn't seem to understand how bad it is). I had packed bags for us and hidden them away and decided I would leave at the weekend. I knew if I told him I was going he would talk me out of it so I just wanted to go and then ring him to say I was gone. I was only going about an hour away and I had no intention of stopping him see the child. Really I guess I was trying to make a grand gesture to shock him into action-perhaps a bit childish but I was desperate. Anyway during the course of the week that I was due to leave I realised I was pregnant. I was distraught, I didn't know what to do. Basically I chickened out, unpacked our bags and cancelled the holiday home. I told my hubby I was pregnant and have been trying to make a go of things since. My little baby is kicking away now and I am really in love with him/her but I'm also terrified of what life will be life essentially trying to raise 2 children and working full time and paying all the bills and doing all the housework while lonely and miserable because my husband is always working at a job that we do not financially need.

Sorry for the really long post but I am desperate, scared, lonely and hormonal and I don't know what to do.

m'lady

Sorry I don't really have much advice to offer you, but after reading your post I felt I had to reply. It must be very difficult, and I can only imagine how you must be feeling. The only piece of advice I can really give is maybe show your husband this post, let him see in words how you are feeling?

Hope it works out and congratulations on your impending arrival.

Addle

It is difficult, but I don't think it's just your husband. That is the life of a farmer/self employed person who really wants to succeed.

Were your own parents self employed?
I think it's extra hard to understand when you're not from a similar background.

Do you/can you have date nights?

CaraMay

Op crying all the time isn't just lonliness. You really need to go see your gp.

I realise it's hard on you but moving your child into a holiday home would have been seriously out of order. You need to keep talking to him.

LegacyUser

OP is there no compromise at all regarding your husbands brother?

How come he stopped working alongside your husband? Me thinks he needs some help. I echo CaraMay, you 2 definitely need date nights again.

Sunny Dayz

A farmer's life is 24/7 I'm afraid. Is your house buiilt on the land? Could you get your husband to come in for tea breaks, dinner etc. As your daughter is nearly 2, could you get her a little pair of wellies and encourage your husband to bring her for little walks around the farm, see the animals etc? Could be an idea to hire a farm hand, even part-time? Is there even a teenage boy in the area how might like a few hours work, especially in the summer holidays? Farming is not the most profitable of businesses and most of the money earned does tend to go back into the business to build it up. It could be beneficial for him to meet with Teagasc or IFAC or someone in the IFA as to planning, budgets, cash flow etc. The farm was passed down to him, so you must understand that he would be under pressure to maintain it for the next generation.

Sorry I can't offer any more advice and I do fear that my points above might be no good to you, you both might be past that stage now. Instead I would advise that you speak to someone, be it a family member, close friend, your gp or a marraige counsellor.

tinkerbell

greenieted wrote: »

I do love my husband, he treats me kindly and has never once cheated on me or raised a hand to me so he thinks that makes him a great husband and can't understand why I am so angry with him. But I am just so desperately lonely I feel angry and upset and sad all the time then he comes in and midnight at can't understand why I don't want to have sex with him! Well of course I don't, I don't feel close to him anymore. Then me not being in the mood leads to rows which leads to him staying out even later.

OP, the bolded really stood out for me, that is quite worrying that he thinks he's a great husband because he's never hit you or been unfaithful ... Why would anyone even say that?

You need to sit down and talk to him, otherwise your marriage is over.

convert

Op, having grown up living next to a family bet who's a farmer, what you are experiencing is the reality of having married a farmer. Animals can't just be boxed into a 9-5 timetable, and unfortunately lambing, silage and/or hay making is a necessity f having to provide fodder for the animals in the winter (and much cheaper than hard feed). The family member I mentioned Hans taken a holiday in all the time I've known him, and is working the farm on his own since his brother upped and left a good many years ago. He puts all his time and energy Into the farm and caring for the animals, and unfortunately is not earning much of an income from it. Unfortunately that's the way farming is at the moment, with the middle man taking far more profit from his hard work, rather than he actually seeing the bulk of the profit. And given that he farm is a business, he will always have to reinvest any profit in machinery, veterinary expenses, stock, etc, as that's what keeps the farm going.

With regards to your relationship: bring married to someone who has to put such long hours into their job, whatever it is, is exceptionally difficult. And unfortunately it's not that uncommon for farmers' partners to be the main earners in the marriage. You talk a lot about how you're feeling, and I completely understand where you're coming from, but have you ever actually sat down with your husband to discuss how he's feeling about everything, how he feels the farm is going, if there's anything you can do to help him, rather than just saying yore fed up of the situation as it is. Chances are he extremely stressed about he situation and would love to change it but feels he's essentially caught on a vicious circle re the path he's taken. Speaking to him about this could make a huge and positive influence on how you communicate as it seems to me from reading your post that you're focusing so much on how you feel rather than considering how he feels. Yes, I know he sad hellhole things better and spend more time with you, but unfortunately that's not how it works with akin aka. Like children, they really are a 24/7 job.

Also, from reading your post it doesn't seem that you spend anytime in the farm. Perhaps you could go down a few hours a the weekend to see what he does and maybe help him out a bit, and bring your daughter, so you can spend time together as a family. It would also mean a lot to him, I expect. After seeing a bit of what he has to do, it might make it easier for both of you to sit down and discuss how you're feeling an where things are going. I don't think, from reading your post, he's a bad person, bit I do think he's working very hard to keep the farm going and to make some sort of profit, and rather than resenting hat he's doing it might help to show some understanding (from his point of view) and take his side of tho GS onto consideration while discussing things.

Eeden

I know nothing about farming. But saying something along the lines of "that's just the way it is when you're married to a farmer" doesn't cut it in this case, I think. He has told the OP over and over that he will reduce the workload and he doesn't follow through. She says that he has promised again and again that things will change and they don't change. He trivialises her feelings (at least I'm not in the pub/beating you).

So it's not about the workload, it's about the relationship. He says he'll change his circumstances, and then he doesn't.

OP, you need to TALK to him, calmly, and tell him that you can't cope with the loneliness. If he can't deal with what you are telling him, you may need to do a bit of thinking.

professore

Addle wrote: »

It is difficult, but I don't think it's just your husband. That is the life of a farmer/self employed person who really wants to succeed.

Were your own parents self employed?
I think it's extra hard to understand when you're not from a similar background.

Do you/can you have date nights?

If you're working that hard for years and barely breaking even then you should sell up. There's more to life than work, I'm self employed, but if it meant I spent no time with my family I'd stop and do something else in the morning - and I don't have a big asset to sell / rent like a farmer does.

greenieted

convert wrote: »

With regards to your relationship: bring married to someone who has to put such long hours into their job, whatever it is, is exceptionally difficult. And unfortunately it's not that uncommon for farmers' partners to be the main earners in the marriage. You talk a lot about how you're feeling, and I completely understand where you're coming from, but have you ever actually sat down with your husband to discuss how he's feeling about everything, how he feels the farm is going, if there's anything you can do to help him, rather than just saying yore fed up of the situation as it is. Chances are he extremely stressed about he situation and would love to change it but feels he's essentially caught on a vicious circle re the path he's taken. Speaking to him about this could make a huge and positive influence on how you communicate as it seems to me from reading your post that you're focusing so much on how you feel rather than considering how he feels. Yes, I know he sad hellhole things better and spend more time with you, but unfortunately that's not how it works with akin aka. Like children, they really are a 24/7 job.

Also, from reading your post it doesn't seem that you spend anytime in the farm. Perhaps you could go down a few hours a the weekend to see what he does and maybe help him out a bit, and bring your daughter, so you can spend time together as a family. It would also mean a lot to him, I expect. After seeing a bit of what he has to do, it might make it easier for both of you to sit down and discuss how you're feeling an where things are going. I don't think, from reading your post, he's a bad person, bit I do think he's working very hard to keep the farm going and to make some sort of profit, and rather than resenting hat he's doing it might help to show some understanding (from his point of view) and take his side of tho GS onto consideration while discussing things.

Thanks for the reply convert. I grew up on a farm myself. I do understand the kind of commitment it involves but surely its not wrong to expect some sort of a work life balance?

My dad went through busy periods on our home farm but he also went through quiet periods-with hubby it seems to be never ending. I do talk to hubby about how things are going on the farm and I in the past I prided myself on being supportive but I guess as I have gotten more sick of the situation I probably don't listen to him as much as I should. Its kind of a "you've been on the farm all bloody day I don't want to talk about it now that you've finally come home" but I know that's wrong so that is something I will try to work on. In terms of helping out around the place I used to before I had my little girls then she was too small to take out and now with me being pregnant its rarely practical or safe with chemicals and dangerous animals etc but if I try I probably could include myself in some situations-although in saying that I'm never invited!! I do help with paper work, banking etc

He is definitely not a bad person-that's why I have been with him for 12 years. He doesn't enjoy hurting me and when he promises to change he means it but then circumstances take over and even though he is well intentioned it all goes back to the same habits again and again. I understand why he does what he does-I get that he wants to make a go of his business and make a success of what he inherited and I want to support him but its as simple and as selfish as this. What about me, what about what I want and what about what I need??

hoodwinked

Eeden wrote: »

I know nothing about farming. But saying something along the lines of "that's just the way it is when you're married to a farmer" doesn't cut it in this case, I think.

actually it does.

professore wrote: »

If you're working that hard for years and barely breaking even then you should sell up. There's more to life than work, I'm self employed, but if it meant I spent no time with my family I'd stop and do something else in the morning - and I don't have a big asset to sell / rent like a farmer does.

i come from an entirely city background my mum married a dairy farmer when i had grown up, my husband is from a family where both sets of grandparents owned farms,
to say it's a whole different world is an understatement, farming is not something you do, it's not a job, or an asset it's it's a vocation, something you are born into or grow up loving,

op knowing these farmers from an outside view looking in, your life seems like the norm, one a neighbour of theirs married the farmer across the road she reared 8 children while not seeing him for days on end from morning to night, and she doesn't think this is strange, she says when you talk to her "it is the life of the farmers wife" and trying to get them to change is impossible,

i know it's no help now, but if he was always like this when you met him you should have known what to expect, but since it's the way it is i have to agree with the post above that says muck in, help out any way you can, get your daughter out to see the animals or for rides in the tractor,

at the very least you'll get to spend some time together as a family, he'll get some father daughter time, you'll get a break.... and hopefully start to feel better,


edit: just saw your reply above, i seriously think maybe you just need to either embrace the farming lifestyle, or decided it's not for you and go it alone, either way no matter what you decide your happiness should not be compromised and you clearly aren't happy, it doesn't help either of you, having you resenting him for spending his time on the farm rather than with you, i know from the people i know that it's currently a tough time for farmers and there is a lot of tragedy from young farmers unable to cope, which puts them under a lot of pressure, maybe you could suggest your husband think of hiring someone in for a week and take a break together to one of those holiday homes? it could do you the world of good as a couple.

greenieted

Thanks for all the replies (keep them coming please ?!?)

I just want to clear a few things up because my OP was rambling and I was very upset when I wrote it. Hubby has never said I should be grateful he doesn't beat me-that's my twisted brain not anything he has ever said in fairness to him. I guess it's something I think when I'm wondering in my head if I should think about leaving i.e. he's not a bad person, he might ignore me quite a bit but he doesn't actually do anything bad to me like hit me. Sorry if that was unclear.

He does say I don't go to the pub, or drink much or run off places with my mates I'm working why are you nagging me? I understand what he's saying but he is not working to make money for the family he is working to make money for the farm. Truth be told I wouldn't mind if he wanted to go the pub or to football or something with friends-I think he needs hobbies and interests outside the farm and occasionally we could maybe go to the pub together!

I understand farm life. I grew up on a farm. There were periods of time during which dad was busy, out late at night and busy at weekends but there were also quiet periods when he was able to spend time with us. Apart from a few weeks in the dead of winter hubby seems to be mega busy all the time. My mum didn't work and dad's farm raised the four of us kids. That was in a different time, farms don't make that much money now. I am totally happy to work and pay the bills-I want to work, I enjoy my work and I know he enjoys his and I don't want him to give it up. I just think that considering the fact that we don't need the farm income then he should scale back and run a more manageable level of stock therefore less lambing, less need for silage etc etc.

I love him, when we are together he is lovely to me and our daughter and I do want to support him. We will soon have 2 children together and I do not want to leave him. I want to make this work. I have talked to him. Hundreds of times-I'm not exaggerating! When he promises things will get better he means it, he does try but then circumstances get in the way. I get that he is committed to his family farm and dedicated to making a go of his business but he made wedding vows to me and chose to start a family with me surely my daughter and I deserve some commitment and dedication too!

freshpopcorn

professore wrote: »

If you're working that hard for years and barely breaking even then you should sell up. There's more to life than work, I'm self employed, but if it meant I spent no time with my family I'd stop and do something else in the morning - and I don't have a big asset to sell / rent like a farmer does.

I understand what your saying but in general( my experience) farmers don't just sell up when times get tough. Farmers often struggle to make ends meat but they do this to keep the family farm within the family.

greenieted

CaraMay wrote: »

Op crying all the time isn't just lonliness. You really need to go see your gp.

I realise it's hard on you but moving your child into a holiday home would have been seriously out of order. You need to keep talking to him.

I have been kind of wondering if I should speak to a doctor. That was why I posted (very honestly) on here. I wanted to see if people think I'm being irrational or not.

Why would the holiday home have been seriously out of order? Not being confrontational just don't understand what you mean by that.

LegacyUser

I grew up on a farm and my even tho our land was scattered all around the house, my dad was pretty much out all day doing stuff, there were some quiet periods during the year but we I wouldn't have seen much of my dad if I hadn't been out on the farm myself.
OP Is he gone everyday from morning until midnight?
Could you get involved in some local groups just to get to meet people in the area if you don't know anybody, get a babysitter or ask him to look after the kids instead of sitting in lonely and miserable every night. It won't solve your problems obviously but it will mean you can get out of the house and do stuff.

If you are holding down a full time job and then coming home to cooking and cleaning would you consider hiring somebody to help out around the house?

Also maybe you should go away for a holiday with yourself and your little girl to think things through.

pookie82

8 o'clock in the morning until midnight some days, without as much as coming back for lunch?

That seems strange to me... do you live on or close to this farm?

My dad's a farmer and although I realise the extreme commitment it takes to keep a farm ticking over, he'd often be in and out of the house at various times for tea/lunch/dinner etc. What/where does he eat during the day? DOES he eat?

If you're at work all day that's not much good to you but I'm assuming he has to eat dinner at least ... does he not come home for that? An hour in the evening when you're both just in the door around a table could lead to a sense of closeness you haven't felt before and vastly improve things.

Would he take on a farm hand? As someone suggested, maybe a young local lad who wouldn't require a huge wage? It can't be healthy for him either to graft non stop like that, Sunday to Sunday, and not even have to time to so much as sit down and watch some tv or god forbid have the odd weekend away.

Farm or no farm he can't expect his wife to live that way. It's not about what "other" farmer's wives have put up with over the years, it's about what you can put up with. And you clearly can't put up with this.

pookie82

greenieted wrote: »

I have been kind of wondering if I should speak to a doctor. That was why I posted (very honestly) on here. I wanted to see if people think I'm being irrational or not.

Why would the holiday home have been seriously out of order? Not being confrontational just don't understand what you mean by that.

I don't know if a GP can solve this? Definitely no harm talking to one if you feel the whole thing has gotten the better of you emotionally for too long, but ultimately the problem is your husband's workload, and no GP will sort that. But it might help to open up to one you trust and have a good chat anyway.

The holiday home option WAS extreme, but to be honest I can see why you would have been driven to it as a final resort before walking. He's simply not listening to any of your pleas at all, or if he is he's ultimately ignoring them, probably hoping that one day you'll accept that this will be your life and that's that.

How about talking to a GP about how you feel, and then bringing it up with your husband after you've gotten advice? Maybe if he realises you've actually sought medical help over how desperate you're feeling it'll wake him up to reality somewhat.

greenieted

pookie82 wrote: »

8 o'clock in the morning until midnight some days, without as much as coming back for lunch?

That seems strange to me... do you live on or close to this farm?

My dad's a farmer and although I realise the extreme commitment it takes to keep a farm ticking over, he'd often be in and out of the house at various times for tea/lunch/dinner etc. What/where does he eat during the day? DOES he eat?

If you're at work all day that's not much good to you but I'm assuming he has to eat dinner at least ... does he not come home for that? An hour in the evening when you're both just in the door around a table could lead to a sense of closeness you haven't felt before and vastly improve things.

Would he take on a farm hand? As someone suggested, maybe a young local lad who wouldn't require a huge wage? It can't be healthy for him either to graft non stop like that, Sunday to Sunday, and not even have to time to so much as sit down and watch some tv or god forbid have the odd weekend away.

Farm or no farm he can't expect his wife to live that way. It's not about what "other" farmer's wives have put up with over the years, it's about what you can put up with. And you clearly can't put up with this.

Thanks for the support. He does pop in to eat but I'm usually at work all week (just on annual leave now). Some evenings he comes in for dinner with us but it is literally 15 mins eat and run, others he microwaves it at midnight! As for a farm hand he says he can't afford it and although my work is reasonably well paid with paying the creche, the mortgage and the bills I don't have anything spare. He was getting a young lad for a few months but hubby said he kept doing things wrong and breaking machinery so that didn't last. Truthfully I don't think he trusts anyone but himself.

pookie82

greenieted wrote: »

Thanks for the support. He does pop in to eat but I'm usually at work all week (just on annual leave now). Some evenings he comes in for dinner with us but it is literally 15 mins eat and run, others he microwaves it at midnight! As for a farm hand he says he can't afford it and although my work is reasonably well paid with paying the creche, the mortgage and the bills I don't have anything spare. He was getting a young lad for a few months but hubby said he kept doing things wrong and breaking machinery so that didn't last. Truthfully I don't think he trusts anyone but himself.

Believe it or not, I'm very familiar with this attitude, my dad would be of the same general mindset ... no one else "does things right"! I think when you own a farm it's so personal to you, especially if, like your husband, he has (re)built it so heavily and invested so much. Letting someone else help out or cover makes him uneasy.

Is there any way he'd respond more to a chat about the impact on HIM? Honestly, I can't see that he has any real quality of life. He might love being out all day and working with his hands but surely even at that he needs a few hours a week to unwind and relax with something different?

I feel for you, you're very stuck, and it'll only become more pronounced, I'd imagine, when baby 2 comes along. Since you're pregnant at the moment and probably have medical appointments to do with that, maybe have a chat with a doctor about how you're feeling next time you're in and see what comes of that.

He might just react to knowing you've felt driven to seeking outside help... and I don't mean that in a manipulative way. But it might be the wake up call he needs. And that way you're not packing your bags and moving out to shock him into seeing things differently, you're just being honest about how desperate you are.

deisemum

I think you've got the patience of a saint to have put up with this situation for as long as you have. He's putting the farm before his family the whole time which isn't fair on you, your little one and despite all his promises they amount to nothing as they're just empty words with nothing to back them up.

Due to the nature of farming there'll be very busy periods that will often take priority, that you could cope with if you knew you'd have proper time with him once things quietened but that's not happening for you.

Not everyone who inherits or takes over a farm make good farmers, some just don't have it in them no matter how many hours they work they're on a hiding to very little reward. What's the point in working all the hours and not make an income from it and not have any sort of work/life balance? That might be ok in the short term but not in the long term especially if it's having a very negative impact on family life and eventually on a person's health and wellbeing?

It's also not the wisest thing to continuously put the farm before relationships considering how many marriages are breaking down and a spouse leaves and the farm, assets and/or livestock end up being sold to finance the settlement and all the hard work amounted to nothing. I've seen this happen both in my own family and with neighbours I grew up with.

greenieted

Thanks deisemum-you have summed up exactly how I feel. Have you (or anyone) any advice on what I should do?

thefeatheredcat

You mentioned family on your husband's side have fallen out with eachother, I assume including your husband and a brother of his used to help out on the farm, but no longer does. Would your husband - regardless of the reasons for the family falling out - be open to having help from his family on the farm just to give him a break and room to make changes? Would they in turn be open to helping out if asked directly by him?

Your husband is the only person working on the farm right now. He has to wake up and realise that can't go on. What about if he gets sick or injured? Where does that leave the farm and the animals? You and the children? Is there anyone to step into his shoes, is there support in the community to help out should that ever happen?

Your husband needs to be able to hire staff and let them work. He needs to offload some of the work into hired help. An uncle of mine works on a pig farm, it's not his pig farm, but he has undertaken much of the daily running of it from the owner for years. My aunt forced him to take a holiday, his first in years (and with much persuasion from all sides) and he was really worried that the place would fall apart and things wouldn't get done without him. The best part of the holiday is that he was too far away (on another continent) to come back at a phone call and couldn't do anything if something happened, and the owner had to get help in to cover my uncle's vast workload, not really realising what he did entailed. It was an eye opener for all and they have all benefited from it, in the sense that the owner realised what a great employee my uncle is and how hard he has always worked (since he did the job of at least 2 men) and my uncle in realising to take a step back and that it isn't all going to fall apart if he steps away for 5 minutes or lets someone else do the work. If your husband had taken hired help but felt he couldn't trust them there's 2 things - maybe he can look for recommendations from others or learn to take a step back and realise not everything needs to be done his way and that he can learn to delegate and take less control.

A previous poster mentioned to get onto Teagasc and IFA... your husband needs to look at his options both on the financial, and with hired help and what options there are. And he needs to see what supports there are for him regarding his well being too, outside of work related supports. I'm sure he isn't the only farmer out there to work himself to overload, perhaps he might benefit from the experiences of others who have been in a similar situation and the outcome for them? Would there be support there too for you, in helping you deal with your husband and too much time on the farm and how best to handle it and approach issues that stem from that?

But I think that even if you approached your husband he will hear it, but he won't listen to it. It might be a case of he'll eventually listen only when he realises that his children are growing up and he has missed out and that his relationship is falling apart. Or when something bad happens like him taking ill from overworking himself and nobody is there to take control of the farm.

Something I do see is that the farm is something he has some control over in life, even if it is not total control to functionality. I would wonder if the family fall out has something to do with it in him burying himself in farm work and avoiding other aspects of life. Farming may well be a 24/7 aspect to it, however it should not be at the cost of relationships and his health, working it alone.

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel. Your working full time and have a 2 year old child and your pregnant again meanwhile you husband is working 15 hours a day on the farm.

At this stage I would get someone you know to mind your child Sat week and make a booking for a table in a local resturant for 8.00. I would then tell him we are going out for a meal Sat week at 8.00 and you need to be in at 6.30 to be washed and ready.
Your giving him over a week notice. If he complains about this I would tell him for once I want to be put first instead of the farm.
Tell him we need to spend some time as a couple and we are going out that night.

When you go out with him I would tell him that it is time he realised that he is a married man with a wife and almost 2 children. He needs to start put you and the children before the farm. Tell him the reality is that he can't keep working these hours as it is putting his health at risk and he could have an accident due to being over tired.

Tell him we spend no time together as a couple or as a family. I am working full time to keep the bills paid.
I would then tell him do you realise that if I stopped working you would have to sell the farm as my income is keeping the bills paid.

Despite doing this you seem to regard me as nothing more than a servant. Tell him you feel at this stage if I left you to morrow morning you would not notice I was gone until you had no clean clothes or there was no food in the house.
Any time your in the house your either on the phone making arrangements for the farm and your always cranky and tired because your over worked.
How long more do you expect me to work full time, mind 2 children, do all the house work and stay married you when your making no effort what so ever for our marriage or our children?

I would say to this is not the first time I have talked to your about this but unless I start to see a change in the next week I will ring your mother/sisters/aunt or some other woman he is close to and tell them what is going on, that you are very unhappy but that he puts the farm first always.

Let them ring him and tell him to grow up or he will have no marriage and no farm as it will have to be sold to pay you off.

freshpopcorn

lady 213 wrote: »

Let them ring him and tell him to grow up or he will have no marriage and no farm as it will have to be sold to pay you off.

I'd be very careful about saying this line. I know of a woman who was in a very similar situation as you and the marriage ended and she only got a coup!e of thousand because his family were able to get s very clever solicitor.

Addle

lady 213 wrote: »

Tell him we spend no time together as a couple or as a family. I am working full time to keep the bills paid.
I would then tell him do you realise that if I stopped working you would have to sell the farm as my income is keeping the bills paid.
....
I would say to this is not the first time I have talked to your about this but unless I start to see a change in the next week I will ring your mother/sisters/aunt or some other woman he is close to and tell them what is going on, that you are very unhappy but that he puts the farm first always.

Let them ring him and tell him to grow up or he will have no marriage and no farm as it will have to be sold to pay you off.

I definitely wouldn't do this.

m'lady

I most definitely wouldn't involve his mother/sister/ friend in this. The OP has already said her husband is a good man and father, this problem is between them as a married couple, not others.

CaraMay

Don't threaten him with the farm. It's his family's farm and he walked into the marriage with the farm. Morally it's not hers to sell. If they split up then he needs to provide for his kids alright but only a total toe rag would force someone to sell a family farm for her own personal gain

Addle

And IF they split, if the op is already looking after the bills, whose to say she won't have to pay her ex maintenance.

Anyways OP, hopefully it won't come to that.
You both need to communicate and compromise

Kevhog1988

Reading people commenting on forcing him to sell the farm is wrong!! Farming is a vocation.... Its a way of life... If you are a son/daughter of the soil you know no different, its bred into you to farm. I work in the uk and am a complete country boy at heart. Any chance i get im home to help out. Save hay, fence etc.

A good idea for you op is to maybe try help turn the farms fortune around. Have a look at what could be more profitable. Maybe you can apply for grants he is unaware of... Possibly allowing him to hire in some labour. This would allow your husband more time to spend with you and the family.

meeeeh

It's all nice and dandy to do something that is a vocation. But the fact is that he is basically neglecting needs of his family for something that makes no money and needs his wife to support him to actually have food on his plate. There are plenty of farmers who are able to make decent living without being home at midnight every day.

In no way I am suggesting to threaten to take the farm but things can't go on like that for ever. I actually have no solution because I am in similar situation with a partner who is workaholic but at least we are able to see the progress or take some holidays every so often. It's very easy to say well it's farmer's life but I have farmers in my family (my uncle's family) and I was always involved in family business (my parents and now partner and I) and it shouldn't be that hard. Yes you almost never switch off but you should be able to have an evening off every so often or a day of with family.

Merkin

I think you could both probably do with attending marriage counselling. He has promised he will change and hasn't and it seems like you have been unable to accurately communicate how much this is hurting you. There seems to be love there on both sides which is good but add a new baby into the mix and there will be additional pressure on you both. It's all about striking a balance and working together on various compromises that will keep you both happy and at this stage I think a good marriage guidance counsellor would provide you with the tools necessary to precipitate positive changes for you both.

CaraMay

greenieted wrote: »

In Feb this year I decided I couldn't take it any longer. I was desperately lonely and even though I didn't want to take my little girl away from her home and her daddy I decided it wasn't fair for her to see me crying all the time either. So I searched the internet and found a holiday home about 10 mins from my home and decided to book that for me and my daughter for 3 weeks and then decide what to do long term. I didn't really want to leave my husband if I'm honest I just thought that leaving temporarily might shock him into seeing how unhappy I am (I tell him all the time but he doesn't seem to understand how bad it is). I had packed bags for us and hidden them away and decided I would leave at the weekend. I knew if I told him I was going he would talk me out of it so I just wanted to go and then ring him to say I was gone. I was only going about an hour away and I had no intention of stopping him see the child. Really I guess I was trying to make a grand gesture to shock him into action-perhaps a bit childish but I was desperate.

greenieted wrote: »

I have been kind of wondering if I should speak to a doctor. That was why I posted (very honestly) on here. I wanted to see if people think I'm being irrational or not.

Why would the holiday home have been seriously out of order? Not being confrontational just don't understand what you mean by that.

Op I'm not intending to be confrontational either but I think you are getting a very easy time on here.

TBH I do think you need to see a doctor as a matter of urgency as your emotional state seems very fragile and you do need someone to at least talk to.

I can see your husbands point and your point. I suspect part of the reason he works so late is due to the chasm in your relationship and the issue around sex is just one of these factors. He is smart enough to know there is help out there if he needs it so that's like flogging a dead horse at this stage.

I understand loneliness as my partner is away for 12 /13 hours per day but that's down to his job. Do you have any hobbies outside the family? Can you get someone to baby sit and meet some friends. TBH a lot of loneliness can be self crested and its not fair to rely on him as a cure for your loneliness. Its a lot of pressure to put on a partner.

I have copied in a quote from your first post and am absolutely shocked by what you were proposing to do. Was the holiday home 10 minutes or an hour away?

I just really cant believe the cheek of you. You have absolutely no right to spirit away his child like you proposed. The reason I would have such concerns about your mental and emotional health is that you seem to think this is ok. Imagine if he had taken your child to a holiday home without telling you and the first indication that the child was gone was a phone call????? Seriously, the first thing I would do in that case is call the guards and have an alert issued as those are not the actions of a rational parent.

On this issue I also think you are acting rather selfishly. while you are upset, it is entirely unfair to uproot a child from her father because you feel lonely. It would be very confusing and unsettling for her and would be a very extreme action under the circumstances.

OP you genuinely need to see a doctor as you have admitted you cry all the time and in front of your child. That's not healthy for anyone. Then you need to meet a relationship counsellor and get all of this off your chest. I would think there are farmers wives all over the country experiencing this as it goes, in part, with the job.

I am not trying to make you feel worse but you need to realise that 'kidnapping' your child would not be a healthy choice and I hope you take my advice and get some help for yourself. Then to you start to see if this marriage is for you.

meeeeh

There is a huge difference between someone being away 12-13 hours or someone being away 15 or 16 hours. In first case you have couple of hours to spend with your loved ones, in the second case you come home to bed. My oh does 15 hours a day shifts every so often and I know what a huge difference those three hours make for his family. It could mean he is going days without actually seeing kids. So while just packing and leaving for couple of weeks isn't something that I would advise I don't think it is action of a crazy woman. It's just someone who is completely neglected because her husband prioritizes a hobby. And let's be clear it is a hobby because it is making zero money. If op's partner would be a painter with a calling to paint and spending all the time doing that and not selling anything she would be advised here to leave.

I am prepared to put up with long stints (and frankly 12 hours isn't) occasionally if that means more money and some normality later but she is working full time herself, alone taking care of the child and paying for everything. I think it's very unfair and selfish from her husband.

CaraMay

meeeeh wrote: »

I think it's very unfair and selfish from her husband.

I don't - I think its all he knows and given the issues at home he prefers to stay at work til she is gone to bed. I think its obvious he doesn't know how to handle the marriage problems and is sticking his head in the sand.

Moving out and taking his child without telling him is not the solution. If he was to do that to her there would be uproar on here. Its not acceptable just because she is the mother.

He isn't away for 15 hours. He comes home during the day.

I have to wonder if he is really making no money or just making 'no money' for tax purposes.

freshpopcorn

meeeeh wrote: »

There is a huge difference between someone being away 12-13 hours or someone being away 15 or 16 hours. In first case you have couple of hours to spend with your loved ones, in the second case you come home to bed. My oh does 15 hours a day shifts every so often and I know what a huge difference those three hours make for his family. It could mean he is going days without actually seeing kids. So while just packing and leaving for couple of weeks isn't something that I would advise I don't think it is action of a crazy woman. It's just someone who is completely neglected because her husband prioritizes a hobby. And let's be clear it is a hobby because it is making zero money. If op's partner would be a painter with a calling to paint and spending all the time doing that and not selling anything she would be advised here to leave.

Farming requires a lot of work and its often very hard to make a profit out of it. Its a lot more than just a hobby. Its also part of the family. He inherited it from his father and he probaly wants to pass it onto his children. There family home is on the farm and I think the OPs husband built it. He actually sounds like a very hard working man.

meeeeh

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Farming requires a lot of work and its often very hard to make a profit out of it. Its a lot more than just a hobby. Its also part of the family. He inherited it from his father and he probaly wants to pass it onto his children. There family home is on the farm and I think the OPs husband built it. He actually sounds like a very hard working man.

Where did I imply he is not hard working but hard work shouldn't be the only quality we see in people.

Yes I know farm was there for the past generations and it will be there for the future generations. But he doesn't live with them he lives with the present generation. Whatever debt he might have to the past or the future, his main commitment should be to the present. And basically it would be very hard for him to leave anything to the future generations without his wife bailing him out.

I understand about the commitment to the land, I know people who died in disputes about the land but even the most committed farmers leave once they can't survive from farming. I'm not saying op's husband should quit farming but just "put up and shut up, you are farmer's wife" attitude just isn't good enough. Unless he married her just to raise the future generations for the farm, a marriage usually requires two people, not one who pops in when it's convenient.

CaraMay

You are missing the point that they aren't getting on. It's about more than the farm. However I don't know how the op let herself get pregnant when she was thinking of running out on him at the same time. You are giving him mixed messages there op!!

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

You are missing the point that they aren't getting on. It's about more than the farm. However I don't know how the op let herself get pregnant when she was thinking of running out on him at the same time. You are giving him mixed messages there op!!

You can get on perfectly fine with someone when they are around and be miserable because they are around so little. She is working herself and is she supposed to be up till midnight waiting for her husband so they can have sex and then in the morning take care of the kids and go to work that actually brings in money. And now you even blame her for getting pregnant?

CaraMay

If she was planning to leave her husband within weeks then it would have been prudent to take appropriate precautions. I'm also saying things can't be that bad if they are still having sex..... She can't have it every way.

Tramps Like Us

Ask him if he will consider scaling down the farm to go part time by renting out some of the land. This way he still owns the land, gets some small income from the rented bit, still farms which he enjoys, and when things get better he can take back the rented land and work it when it will be profitable and can afford help.

I'm not a farmer myself but these seems a sensible solution (providing someone will rent the land)

Sheldons Brain

I'm not a farmer, but farming is seasonal and this may not be the time of year to press the issue. You might have a good enough situation across the year, with more of an emphasis on work at this time of year and more relaxation and time spent together in the off season.

Addle

Sheldons Brain wrote: »

I'm not a farmer, but farming is seasonal and this may not be the time of year to press the issue. You might have a good enough situation across the year, with more of an emphasis on work at this time of year and more relaxation and time spent together in the off season.

Depends on the type of farm whether it's seasonal or not.
If it took 2 people to work it at one stage, I find it understandable that it takes a lot out of one person to work it now.
The OP doesn't seem to respect/understand what her husband does for a living, and seems to want things on her terms or none at all.
Again I write, compromise from both parties is probably required.

meeeeh

What living? She is basically paying for everything. They would have more if he was on the dole. Sisyphus comes to mind.

Addle

meeeeh wrote: »

Sisyphus comes to mind.

Wow!

We've been provided with one side of a story by a poster that's evidently obstinate.
I feel sorry for her spouse, based on what she's written.

CaraMay

meeeeh wrote: »

What living? She is basically paying for everything. They would have more if he was on the dole. Sisyphus comes to mind.

She's paying for everything and he is working towards preserving an asset. All things are equal

professore

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I understand what your saying but in general( my experience) farmers don't just sell up when times get tough. Farmers often struggle to make ends meat but they do this to keep the family farm within the family.

I know that, I grew up in a rural area, but I just don't agree with it. Better to sell up while you're still in the black than to let the banks do it for you.

professore

CaraMay wrote: »

She's paying for everything and he is working towards preserving an asset. All things are equal

A worthless asset unless it's sold - or part of it at least. As it currently stands, it's a liability - he has to work 18 hours a day 7 days a week to "break even". If he worked that many hours at even minimum wage, he'd have a substantial income.

CaraMay

professore wrote: »

A worthless asset unless it's sold.

As are all assets ???

professore

What he has is an expensive hobby, not a viable business.

professore

CaraMay wrote: »

As are all assets ???

Yes but must assets will be sold sooner or later. - plenty of farmers sat on land worth literally millions during the boom ... Land that is now worth thousands. I think this guy is of this mindset.