Single & Happy....

Goldenlady

So, Im 35 & single. Spent my entire 20's & early 30s in a long term relationships. I recently had a coffee with a friend who is seperated & too is single in her 30's and we were chatting about how other people seem to have more of an issue with us being single that we do ourselves! Im just wondering what peoples opinions are of this?
I am in a really good place now, my career is going well, Ive lost a lot of weight (Needed to, put a lot on in the LTR) and I genuinely am happy. Yes at times, it would be nice to have someone to share things with but Im not just going to go out with anyone so that Im not alone.
All my friends are married & keep looking at me as if they feel sorry for me - Im actually getting so frustrated with them!
So why is it that society seems to think that being single in your 30s is an issue? I recently had a guy tell me on a night out that Im obviously way too picky blah blah, I didnt even know this guy & it really annoyed me. Why do people seem to have so many opinions on this? Yes I would like to meet someone eventually when its the right person......
Does anyone else share my frustration or am I the only person that gets so annoyed by peoples reactions??? So condesending at times, ah sure you're a lovely girl how can you be single - COS I want to be!

Addle

I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single, and don't believe when women say they want to be, not long term anyways.

Why wouldn't you be happy, you have a good life going on for your self, I was contented when I was single and I am very contented with being married again. What can do with your friends except tell them to stop it is very annoying but we live in a very couple orientated society.

eviltwin

Addle wrote: »

I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single, and don't believe when women say they want to be, not long term anyways.

Why not?

Addle

eviltwin wrote: »

Why not?

I suppose it's just because it's not a stand I personally understand, why someone would never want a relationship.

Addle

Addle wrote: »

I suppose it's just because it's not a stand I personally understand, why someone would never want a relationship.

There are very few people who don't want a relationship of some sorst, but lots of people if they have had a few goes at it and it wasn't great sort of say feck it, if it happens it happens and stop caring about it, they find it very liberating. I think that's what the op is like.

Addle

mariaalice wrote: »

There are very few people who don't want a relationship of some sorst, but lots of people if they have had a few goes at it and it wasn't great sort of say feck it, if it happens it happens and stop caring about it, they find it very liberating. I think that's what the op is like.

I'm like that myself.
There's a difference between believing if it happens, it happens (ie. maybe), and just thinking no.

leahyl

I totally understand the frustration at people commenting on your single status OP. I differ from you though, in that I have never been in a serious relationship so it's beginning to bother me a lot, now that I am heading for the 30 mark. It's even more annoying when people think that I should be interested in any single guy that happens to enter my life at any point!

I definitely would like to meet someone but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone just for the sake of it either; I guess I would like to just meet someone that I click with and has much of the same values as me. Unfortunately it hasn't happened yet, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being single either - for the most part I just get on with it and try to enjoy my life so I don't need others in relationships feeling the need to pity me for being single - maybe I'm just being paranoid though

I agree with Addle when she says "I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single"

sullivlo

leahyl wrote: »

I totally understand the frustration at people commenting on your single status OP. I differ from you though, in that I have never been in a serious relationship so it's beginning to bother me a lot, now that I am heading for the 30 mark. It's even more annoying when people think that I should be interested in any single guy that happens to enter my life at any point!

I definitely would like to meet someone but I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone just for the sake of it either; I guess I would like to just meet someone that I click with and has much of the same values as me. Unfortunately it hasn't happened yet, but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being single either - for the most part I just get on with it and try to enjoy my life so I don't need others in relationships feeling the need to pity me for being single - maybe I'm just being paranoid though

I agree with Addle when she says "I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single"

I'm 28, single, never really been in a LTR, not really bothered by it (yet) but I really get what leahyl is saying.

I was, for all intents and purposes, "married" to my phd. I commend anyone who manages to maintain any form of relationship during a phd - I know that I couldn't. I worked so hard to get to where I am now, I don't want to give it all up right now on the chance of a relationship. I am aware of it though - tick tock and all of that. For now, I am content, but a lot of my friends are in LTR / engaged / married, or have been in relationships and have kids already so they have already made something with their lives.

I dunno. Single, not unhappy. Not actively looking but wouldn't say no.

leahyl

sullivlo wrote: »

I'm 28, single, never really been in a LTR, not really bothered by it (yet) but I really get what leahyl is saying.

I was, for all intents and purposes, "married" to my phd. I commend anyone who manages to maintain any form of relationship during a phd - I know that I couldn't. I worked so hard to get to where I am now, I don't want to give it all up right now on the chance of a relationship. I am aware of it though - tick tock and all of that. For now, I am content, but a lot of my friends are in LTR / engaged / married, or have been in relationships and have kids already so they have already made something with their lives.

I dunno. Single, not unhappy. Not actively looking but wouldn't say no.

Good to know I'm not alone in all of this It gets more frustrating as the months and years go on - I'm not especially confident when it comes to the opposite sex either so that doesn't help things!

I think it's very important though to be happy in your own company and not feel the need to have lots of people around you/be in a relationship all the time. I actually quite like my alone time too so I sort of worry that maybe I'm so long single that I won't be able to cope if I do get into a relationship; that I'm too independent in a way! But that's a bit OT.

sullivlo

leahyl wrote: »

Good to know I'm not alone in all of this It gets more frustrating as the months and years go on - I'm not especially confident when it comes to the opposite sex either so that doesn't help things!

I think it's very important though to be happy in your own company and not feel the need to have lots of people around you/be in a relationship all the time. I actually quite like my alone time too so I sort of worry that maybe I'm so long single that I won't be able to cope if I do get into a relationship; that I'm too independent in a way! But that's a bit OT.

Oh yes. Defo need to be comfortable in your own skin / alone. And that does concern me too that I enjoy doing things alone so much that it may hinder me in future times.

Example. I love travelling alone. The thoughts of making small talk on an airplane makes me sad. Even with friends. Will that change if I find a soulmate?! Or am I destined to be forever alone :P

fatknacker

I'm single and bored. I was happy for a while and still am, but I'm bored of being single now but I don't have a choice about it at the moment as I'd rather be single and bored than be in a dead-end relationship and bored.

fatknacker

I'm also doing that *actively not looking* for a relationship thing because that's when one comes out of the blue, when you least expect it, right? (so I hear).
So....I'm not expecting one to happen anytime soon, in the near future. Not at all. No siree. Happy and single and all that jazz, tralalala I don't need a man to define me, etc.

Goldenlady

Addle wrote: »

I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single, and don't believe when women say they want to be, not long term anyways.

mariaalice wrote: »

There are very few people who don't want a relationship of some sorst, but lots of people if they have had a few goes at it and it wasn't great sort of say feck it, if it happens it happens and stop caring about it, they find it very liberating. I think that's what the op is like.

Exactly Mariaalice, Im not saying I never want to meet someone, Im saying that Im in a good happy place & don't need someone else to make me happy. I would hope I will settle down eventually, but not because I feel I should. Ive already addressed it with my friends, but they just dont seem to listen - one in particular is rather opinionated about it so Im just steering clear from her at the moment. Its not a male bashing statement, I had great LTRs and am certainly not scarred from them, they just wanted different things that me in the end. I suppose Im just trying to say its possible to be very happy on your own, as much as it is to be happy in a relationship...

sam34

Addle wrote: »

I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single, and don't believe when women say they want to be, not long term anyways.

Addle wrote: »

I suppose it's just because it's not a stand I personally understand, why someone would never want a relationship.

So, because you can't understand an attitude someone else has you assume they are lying? Really? Do you really think that everyone should have the same desires and wants as you and that if they say otherwise they are lying? Seriously?

I don't want a relationship. Full stop. I'm single and very happily so, and am not in the 'not actively looking but hoping it'll happen' camp.

I've had great relationships, good relationships and a particularly bad relationship. I've observed many many relationships. I can see nothing that a relationship could offer me that I am lacking in my life. I have a full and happy life, lots of laughter, fun, love, sex and time to myself. What I don't want, and don't have, is sharing my day to day life and time and space with someone else. I am a private and independent person, I cherish my own company and don't want to relinquish that for anyone. I can honestly say I don't get lonely, and am very happy to be on my own, I go on holidays, weekend breaks, meals, cinema etc by myself without issue.

If others want to deem me odd or selfish for that, then *shrug*, let them, but I reserve the right to consider them selfish for living their life/trying to live their life the way they want to!

Addle

Good for you!

Millieboo

People struggle to understand when others go against the grain, and a woman not settling down, getting married and having kids means they cant put you in a box, especially if you dare say its by choice

Listen, good for you, as long as you are happy does it really matter what your friends say!

StormWarrior

fatknacker wrote: »

.

You have the best username ever. I seriously just weed a bit from laughing.

StormWarrior

Addle wrote: »

I am single and I am happy, but I don't actively want to be single, and don't believe when women say they want to be, not long term anyways.

Throughout history people have joined monasteries to avoid being in relationships, spinsters have put up with the disdain of society to be free, now there are movements called Men Going Their Own Way and Women Going Their Own Way - people who actively enjoy being single and don't want to be in relationships. Do you really believe all these people are secretly pining to be in a relationship? By the same token, one could wonder why so very many people are desperate to be in a romantic relationship just for the sake of it, using dating agencies etc, just desperate to find anyone. Is your own company and that of your mates really that boring?

Aglomerado

Single and VERY happy here. I'm just aromantic I suppose. (I learnt this word today from another thread in this forum.)

My last partner was very controlling, he wanted things to move far too quickly, he wanted to bring me to meet his family after only 3 weeks! He was even telling me how to dress. It was suffocating, and it ended after only 3 months.

That was over two years ago. I've no wish to start another relationship any time soon.

ash23

I was single for a number of years and loved it. Wouldn't hesitate to be single again. Nothing about being single was negative for me.
However I do like being in a good relationship and being in one is preferable to me than being single.

I wouldn't settle though and given the choice of single or in a just ok relationship, I'd rather be on my own.

JaseBelleVie

I'm single and have been for over a year. I do miss being in a relationship sometimes, but I'm mostly pretty happy with where I am. The last breakup was very rough on me and it's taking me a while to get back into the swing of looking for a relationship again.

That said, I do want a long-term, stable, loving relationship in the future. And kids. I really want to have kids some day. Call me old-fashioned, but I'd prefer to be with the woman I love and raise our children together than any alternative.

But for now, I'm perfectly happy being single and just being my own man for a while anyway.

Cosmicfox

I've never had a boyfriend and I don't really care about it. I have friends to go and hang out with when I'm bored and my job will involve working with kids so I don't think I'll be too bothered at not having my own (also pregnancy seems horrific).

I have had lads interested in going out with me but I never felt like getting involved with anyone in that way. I'm also thinking about their sake, I've always been kind of solitary and closed off and that isn't what most people want in a relationship.

Starting to get questions from parents about it now though

Magicmatilda

fatknacker wrote: »

I'm single and bored. I was happy for a while and still am, but I'm bored of being single now but I don't have a choice about it at the moment as I'd rather be single and bored than be in a dead-end relationship and bored.

Totally agree with this and with your other comment fatknacker, I am also actively not looking!!

What does annoy me is when my married friends and family treat my relationship status as entertainment. Like all the "so anyone your are interested in" conversations where they want to hear about every little crush and what has happened as though it is a soap opera. Because for me that is my life and to be honest the longer I am single the less happy I am getting, or maybe it is just that Christmas is highlighting the lonliness that I am feeling but I hate that some others think its all just a bit of craic. In between the dates and the meeting guys you like who may or may not become something are the days and nights alone, when everyone else has plans.

I am very happy in my own company, regularly take myself out to dinner, cinema, theatre and have travelled all over alone, but like fatknacker I am getting very bored of that and I would love to meet aomeone who I can share my life with.

That said I'd rather be on the shelf that in the wrong cupboard!

kylith

I'm still single, and still happy about it. I'd very much like to meet someone in the future to settle down and start a family with and I'm aware of a loud ticking noise in the background but I'm still enjoying my own company and not actively looking yet.

ivytwine

I'm single and most of the time ok with it.

I've only had one "relationship" and that was five years ago. I wasn't very nice when I was in a couple (although I was very young). I put him ahead of everyone and some friendships permanently suffered for it. I'd a friend say to me later on that he didn't much like me when I had a boyfriend and I would not like to turn into that coupley monster again.

I've had a lot of time to think about stuff in my childhood etc that has led to my ahem, 'issues' with men and I think I'd be a lot more chilled out if I hit a relationship now.

I like my alone time and working in customer service I generally just love going home and watching a movie.

I'm with MagicMatilda on the thing about being "entertainment" for family/friends. My close family aren't too bad, Dad just doesn't want to hear about it and Mam wouldn't be the type to put pressure on me. I have one friend who has become really bad about it though. The last time she was up she kept nagging me to join Tinder :mad:

beks101

Generally I think if you're not happy single, you won't be happy in a relationship. That's been my experience of it anyway.

I've spent lots of time single, some of it insecure and a bit bothered about my relationship status; before I met my OH I was just over it, done with caring about it and feeling the need to explain myself to others and just decided to focus on making my own single life work for me.

I got to the stage where I grew to really, really like myself. Things weren't perfect - I was still working WAY too much and not making the time I needed for family and friends and not finding enough time to exercise etc etc - but I found when I tore away that "pressure" to find someone and focused more inwards, I uncovered this really smart and determined and decent little lady, who would do anything for anyone, and I decided to listen to her instead of the various bleats from the outside world about what was "right" for me.

So now I'm happy out with a lovely man, but if for some reason I wasn't, I'd still be me and more than happy to be. I love my own company, I'm great craic :pac: I love to read and potter about or physically challenge myself or go for long walks listening to blaring music or just get lost in my thoughts, and this societal thing that seems to tell everyone that they're half of a person - or a shell of a woman - if they're not joined at the hip with someone just has no resonance with me.

ivytwine

Beautifully put beks!

dearg lady

Happily single, for more or less 2 years...although I wasn't happy about it at the start! Now I'm slightly concerned I'm becoming too comfortable and happy on my own... I get to see my friends often, I have my hobbies, and my routines, and I don't know if I want a man interrupting that!

Lyaiera

I've never been in a relationship, haven't done the one night stand thing either. Relationships weren't on my radar for a long time, I just didn't feel comfortable with myself and knew I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship either. I hadn't really been thinking about relationships until a few weeks ago when I was in the pub and talking to someone. I had a great time, the conversation flowed, he was sweet and kind, I felt myself caring for him. I went home that night and realised I do want a relationship. I want to go out to a restaurant with someone, cuddle up and chat, feel safe with someone who feels safe with me, watch stupid TV with someone with beers on the couch. I have no desire to do the hook-up thing.

I don't know who would be willing to go out with me, but I'll keep spending my time going out, having fun and meeting people. I figure if I'm having a good time a relationship might happen, even if it doesn't I'll make new friends. I figure if I'm having a good time, good people will come to me.

maroon

dearg lady wrote: »

Happily single, for more or less 2 years...although I wasn't happy about it at the start! Now I'm slightly concerned I'm becoming too comfortable and happy on my own... I get to see my friends often, I have my hobbies, and my routines, and I don't know if I want a man interrupting that!

I am with you on this. Single about year and a half, last six months took a clean break from dating altogether. Guys are different species these days, I find. But main reason is, the longer I am alone, the more I like it. Because I am in my mid thirties, every so often I pause and I shiver, what if I will love it so much that I will stay this way? Well, if making friends, taking time for my hobbies and enjoying life is what keeps me truly happy, let it be. I am honestly fine with it. As some said, and there are many of them, relationship is just a cherry on a cake. Make a good cake!

Yours sincerely
Happily Single

shalalala

I have been single about 6 months now. Spent the first few heartbroken etc. But honestly? I am very content now.

I have a very full life with friends, family and hobbies. It would have to be someone really special for me to make time for them. Tbh I often wonder how people even make time for dating!

I am 26 now and I am starting to think they I might not have biological children by choice (health and all that) so that really takes the pressure off time frames.

I am thinking of moving abroad next year alone and I am just so damn excited. I know that I will meet amazing friends and maybe boyfriends there and I am just excited to do it alone.

As for sex, I love it within a relationship but I can do without when I am single. It bothers me every now and again but casual and ons are just not for me so I just don't do anything about it.

For me to let someone into my life right now they would have to be very special! I just find doing what I want when I want very liberating and my confidence is definitely on the rise

As for what other people think. My mam was out with her friend and was so surprised to hear that I wasn't steady dating someone. My mam rocks and just told her straight that I just wasn't bothered, I was enjoying myself, dated a couple of guys but "she just isn't that bothered right now, she is just happy"! That put a stop to the questioning

LegacyUser

Single and will always be single. Had a try at dating and relationships in my early 20's and enjoyed myself but knew longterm it just wasn't for me. Nearly 40 now and never felt any desire to change.

I always find these threads interesting because I've just never felt any pressure or had any comments from family or friends on the issue. Maybe it's just because it's something I don't talk about or even think about it it just doesn't come up as an issue or conversation point. Friends are in relationships or some are in and out of them, several have kids, some are married, some parenting with an ex etc etc lots of different mixes but never get any questions or comments about my lack of partner. I had one friend in my late 20's who was a bit obsessed and talked none stop about finding a GF and seemed horrified by my utter lack of interest but honestly he was a little extreme in his obsession with finding a girlfriend for himself.

lisasimpson

I was in relationships from 18 to 23/24. after my last one I said id take a break for a while just to be me, it was great you get to know yourself as an individual. however then life got in the way and the timing wasn't right and im now single 8 going on 9 year. there was the odd fling here and there. now im in my 30s and most of my friends settled, im beginning to notice it. most of my weekends I don't do much as the same gang isn't available. Im beginning to find been single can be lonely at times the last yr or 2. recently I met a lovely guy, id say it was 10 years since some made me feel so giddy, our schedules meant we didn't get to see each other much and now hes moved counties. I love to have the confidence to phone him up and ask him to give things a go. I really like to get out of the single zone

UpCork

I am single, almost 31, and loving it.

I am a very independent person and I feel I am now set in my ways. I enjoy doing what I want to do without having to consider someone else (within reason of course). I enjoy being with my friends but I also enjoy being with my own company.

Some seem to think this is weird, but I am happy.

I do think about the old biological clock - who doesn't. I have never been overly maternal, in that it was never my burning desire from a young age to have children. I'm not saying I don't want them, but I wouldn't be overly upset if I didn't.

As an only child though, I do have the pang of guilt of my Mother never being a granny (and she'd be fantastic) if I don't have children, but that isn't a reason to bring a baby into this world.