long term relationship ended, Ex can't get over it.

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this.

Well basically I decided to end my engagement to a girl due to the fact she cheated on me, apparently it was a one time thing, but never the less one time is and always has been enough for me. The situation was my Ex went out on a night out with her friends while I was out of town and whilst out she happened to go off with another fella in the nightclub, I know this because my best mate was out in the same night club and seen her, he later told me. I challenged her on the issue and after a while she finally admitted it. However, after admitting it I got the impression she felt this wasn't a big deal or even a significant problem.

Anyway the moment I found out this to be true I automatically made the decision that this relationship was over, she said I was over reacting and that she was sorry, all through floods of tears but to be honest I didn't care, we were done at this point.

I left and didn't see her or answer any of her calls or texts for about 3-4 weeks until a friend of hers approached me and called me every name under the sun and repeatedly stressed the fact I was a complete cnut and saying my Ex was suicidal and everything. I was also told by another she wasn't turning up for work or even looking after herself. I told the friend that she was the one who cheated but this was just ignored.

Ive moved on at this stage, The feelings I once had for her are gone. Ive lost a few friends because of this situation which I find upsetting because I don't see what Ive done wrong, should I contact her and explain things further? I feel this may do more harm than good myself because there is no chance of giving it another go. I met her at work (she took a new job and Im still there) and the friends shes made at work make snide remarks at me behind my back and one or two have abused me in public, her mother also rang me up and wanted me to, and I quote, "stop acting up", her father has threatened me and has even had arguments with my own mam and dad over this whole thing and I have no idea why they are even bringing my parents into this.

I wont be bullied or pressured into getting back together with her, however these threats need to stop and I need things at work to improve as its starting to get noticed by people.

Any advice on how to handle this? its a mess at this stage and I honestly didn't think this would have such an effect on so many people, I think as long as my Ex struggles I will be in the firing line, will this eventually blow over or is there something else I can do?

b_mac2

I'm sure you will get a better, more detailed response here but I think your doing everything right already. You owe your ex and her friends/family nothing. Just keep face and don't respond to them in anyway. But if its happening at work? HR would be a good place to go for a nice chat.

Good luck though OP, that story really got my blood boiling!!!

FairytaleGirl

I feel for you OP, I'm sure youd love to clear everything up once and for all but obviously that can't be done.

I have a feeling your ex is maybe not telling people the complete truth, and for me I would ( if people are going to be butting into your life the way they are) not hesitate to put people straight as you why the relationship ended.

Your gf obviously knew you well enough to know your stance on cheating and so got herself into this situation. I would advise your parents to take the line ' it's not our issue we do not get involved in our sons private life, nor should you' in future if people try and drag them into it.

At work, I would begin by calling out the people making snide comments, 'sorry what did you say??' if it continues, make your line manager aware of what is going on.

As for your exgirlfriend, maintain the no contact, the girl is obviously going through some issues after WHAT SHE HAS DONE. Not you, so don't feel responsible or guilty in anyway.

JeffKenna

That's an awful situation to be in OP. She's obviously not telling her friends and family the true story as to what happened. Just to clarify, when you say she cheated on you, she actually kissed another guy yeah?

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree that you owe nothing to your ex/friends/etc.

When people confront you how do you react?

I would advise staying really calm and saying something like:

'I understand that you think that I have done wrong here but I think maybe you don't understand what happened. Xx cheated on me and in my book that's unforgivable. The trust is gone. I'm sure in time she will find the guy that she is willing to commit too but unfortunately, it wasn't me'.

Don't get drawn into anything else. If they continue to abuse you then just say 'I understand that you feel that way' and try to exit the conversation as swiftly as you can.

As for work, confront them if you know for sure that they are saying stuff and tell them to be more professional and mind their own business. (That's if you work in a place that expects you to be professional, if not tell them to f off and mind their own business)

Lou.m

Wow the apple does not fall far from the tree.

They sound pretty immature. She was in no way ready to marry.

The girl cannot understand consequences and does not want to deal with the fact that it was her actions that lead to this.

I would try to rise above it and explain to people that it is nothing to do with them. She will get over it. She will have to. Try and keep drama to a minimum don't put her down. Let the cheating go ...in that you are not getting back with her ..throwing blame adds heat to the flames people feel the need to defend or put a side across.

All people need know is this ...its over ..it has nothing to do with them ...your feelings have changed.

stargazer 68

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I agree that you owe nothing to your ex/friends/etc.

When people confront you how do you react?

I would advise staying really calm and saying something like:

'I understand that you think that I have done wrong here but I think maybe you don't understand what happened. Xx cheated on me and in my book that's unforgivable. The trust is gone. I'm sure in time she will find the guy that she is willing to commit too but unfortunately, it wasn't me'.

Don't get drawn into anything else. If they continue to abuse you then just say 'I understand that you feel that way' and try to exit the conversation as swiftly as you can.

As for work, confront them if you know for sure that they are saying stuff and tell them to be more professional and mind their own business. (That's if you work in a place that expects you to be professional, if not tell them to f off and mind their own business)

This OP IMO is excellent advice. A calm explanation of the facts and I bet the situation will change. Even with her parents and family - I bet any money she has spun them the sad tale of being dumped with no details.

mylefttesticle

What crappy parents she has!


Look there is nothing you can do but just get on with life when you start trying to explain yourself to people they just use it as an excuse to beat you more.


There is a lot of hurt and anger and it will subside and you just have to stay strong until it does, explain to your parents as terrible it is for them to be dragged into it and tell them to just ignore what other people say or do.


Best of luck and look at the positives you didn't marry a cheater and you didn't become part of a family of nutjobs and part of a circle of malicious friends

kjl

OK, while I completely respect your decision OP

I think if I was in your situation, I could forgive a kiss and perhaps that is how people are seeing it. You were meant to get married and sometime people get cold feet and do stupid things.

I can assume there was alcohol involved when she had her night out, and I highly doubt that she was going to go off and sleep with the lad. In fact when your mate saw them, did he confront her? Or did he just notice it and report back to you.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that maybe you should meet up with her and explain that you don't like the way you are being vilified. Perhaps give her a chance to explain herself, maybe even get a little closure.

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out of for you, no matter what it's sad when a relationship end and I am surprised that you are taking it so well.

mylefttesticle

kjl wrote: »

OK, while I completely respect your decision OP

I think if I was in your situation, I could forgive a kiss and perhaps that is how people are seeing it. You were meant to get married and sometime people get cold feet and do stupid things.

I can assume there was alcohol involved when she had her night out, and I highly doubt that she was going to go off and sleep with the lad. In fact when your mate saw them, did he confront her? Or did he just notice it and report back to you.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that maybe you should meet up with her and explain that you don't like the way you are being vilified. Perhaps give her a chance to explain herself, maybe even get a little closure.

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out of for you, no matter what it's sad when a relationship end and I am surprised that you are taking it so well.

Absolute nonsense, a kiss and a full on kiss is a very intimate thing, this is not a 6 month relationship, it was a long term relation that lead to an engagement that was leading to marriage, a legal and emotionally binding thing and I a sorry but if his fiancé accepted his proposal of marriage then she obviously was fully committed but turned out not to be as you don't go shifting other people if you are completely in love with a person you are choosing to marry.

Blaming alcohol? Pathetic

Oh and of course it is the friends fault for being well a friend.

Wibbs

kjl wrote: »

OK, while I completely respect your decision OP

I think if I was in your situation, I could forgive a kiss and perhaps that is how people are seeing it. You were meant to get married and sometime people get cold feet and do stupid things.

Aye they can, though going by the OP, she denied it(understandable) and then apparently didn't see it as a big deal. That would be worse for me than any physical contact.

I can assume there was alcohol involved when she had her night out

Probably, but that's an explanation, not an excuse. There will be alcohol involved on other nights, now and after marriage.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that maybe you should meet up with her and explain that you don't like the way you are being vilified. Perhaps give her a chance to explain herself, maybe even get a little closure.

IMH this is a bad plan. Likely it'll achieve nothing, may even drag it out more. "Closure" is a oft used buzzword these days. The OP has already given her closure and has moved on. Sometimes ripping off the plaster is the way to go rather than long back and forth discussions amounting to little. Loyalty is or should be a given in a relationship. When that's affected then it's a long way back from that. If they were married for ten years or whatever I'd be a lot more easygoing about it, but in a situation where a couple are in engagement mode? Eh no.

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out of for you, no matter what it's sad when a relationship end and I am surprised that you are taking it so well.

I felt similar when I read it. Maybe the relationship was starting to stale and this was the final straw? Only the OP can know that. That said I have excused cheating way back in the past and every single time it was both a major red flag and a major mistake. Since those times I would react exactly like the OP. Have done. Yes I felt a good deal of emotionals over it and mourned the loss of the relationship, but I walked away and didn't look back.

Grandeeod

From reading the OPs problem, Im not entirely sure if this is over a kiss in a nightclub or she actually went off and had sex with another guy. If its the latter I can understand completely, but if its the former, I may be offering different advice.

Wibbs

Grandeeod wrote: »

From reading the OPs problem, Im not entirely sure if this is over a kiss in a nightclub or she actually went off and had sex with another guy. If its the latter I can understand completely, but if its the former, I may be offering different advice.

Sure. There's certainly a sliding scale of seriousness involved G. It would be contextual for me. Reading the OP, the bit that would make it far worse for me is her attitude over it. It seems from the OP's stance she didn't see it as that much of a big deal. That would rattle me more. TBH given the choice between a full on sexual encounter where the person showed genuine remorse and a snog session where they didn't I'd be conflicted. I'd be much more likely to try and work through the remorse laden one.

pookie82

At the end of the day it's no one else's place to tell the OP what he should or shouldn't accept or excuse. One person might excuse full on sleeping with someone else, another can't even look past a kiss in a nightclub.

It's his prerogative to set the boundaries of what's acceptable behaviour in his own relationship. I don't think it's fair of anyone outside of it to suggest that "ah if it was just a kiss, get over it". That's essentially mimicking the behaviour of the people who are now abusing him because of his decision.

The fact that she lied and then defended it as no big deal was probably a bigger deal breaker than any physical act. It's also humiliating that his friend saw it and had to be the one to come to him first. If she didn't own up in remorse herself, there's no proof this wasn't a regular occurrence.

Rather than focusing on whether it was a kiss or sex, the OP has made up his mind that the trust is gone and that's that. It's probably a far wiser decision than to waver on the grounds that he loved her and try to carry on despite the nagging feeling she could do this again for the rest of his life.

To those saying he seems to be taking it well... sometimes a betrayal like this can literally "kill" love in its tracks. People react differently. It's not our place to judge.

OP I would stay well away from her to be honest, reopening the lines of communication at this point can only worsen things. People will eventually get bored of pestering you about it the longer they realise that you're not going back. Stick to your guns on this and if there's any snide remarks from now on at work, take it to HR and show you won't bow to pressure about a personal issue in the workplace.

Carson10

women are crazy! full stop.

Taltos

Carson10 - welcome to PI.
Please have a read of our charter. Due to the nature of the issues here we moderate quite strictly. Basic rule of thumb is if you have no constructive advice and cannot give it in a civil way don't post.

Your post above would normally result in anything from a warning up to and including a ban depending on your history on this forum.

Thanks
Taltos

Neyite

It seems she is doing a lot of canvassing to her friends and family to get you back on-side. I'd suggest a calm approach too. Does she not realise that this hassling from her friends and family is only reinforcing your decision and your conclusion that you've dodged a bullet here?

Irrespective of the reason, you dont wish to commit to someone you no longer have the same feelings for. And you are entitled to end a relationship for whatever reason you choose or for no reason at all, if you wish and dont owe anybody but the person involved an explanation for your choice.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replys.

As far as I know it was only a kiss in the nightclub but I can't be sure if it went further or not, my Ex says it didn't but I can't take her word for it.

Also she has admitted to friends and family that she did cheat but many still seem to think I'm over reacting and that my reaction is over the top, people thinking that Im over reacting is fine its just Im over being challenged on it at this stage, Ive made my decision and that wont change.

When people challenge me I dont react, i usually just keep walking without saying anything. Its tiresome at this stage.

Im hesitant to kick up a fuss at work but i suppose Ill have no choice in the end.

Grandeeod

endofrelationship101 wrote: »

Thanks for the replys.

As far as I know it was only a kiss in the nightclub but I can't be sure if it went further or not, my Ex says it didn't but I can't take her word for it.

Also she has admitted to friends and family that she did cheat but many still seem to think I'm over reacting and that my reaction is over the top, people thinking that Im over reacting is fine its just Im over being challenged on it at this stage, Ive made my decision and that wont change.

When people challenge me I dont react, i usually just keep walking without saying anything. Its tiresome at this stage.

Im hesitant to kick up a fuss at work but i suppose Ill have no choice in the end.

Hi OP.

This is all down to values and you clearly have yours and I admire that. If you believe that a kiss is enough for you to end a relationship, that's your right. I can see from your above post that there is a serious amount of doubt about whether or not she cheated sexually and you are quite entitled to feel that way. I would consider it normal. However you must remember that if your ex is telling people that she only kissed this guy in a nightclub, you must respect that to some people a kiss can be forgiven. This is a topic Ive discussed with many people, my wife included. What level of cheating would be breaking point. To some online cheating is enough. To others any form of physical contact such as kiss or grope. Obviously the biggie is full on sex. For you it was a kiss and the doubt that it has brought.

Your ex is obviously down about this and regretful and her friends and family that think a kiss can be forgiven are reacting to you accordingly. If you are sure this is the end for you, then stand your ground, but maybe meet your ex and explain how you feel about what she did in light of all the attacks against you. She needs to know that to you and you alone, it was a deal breaker.

As a footnote. While I respect your values, its a tough world and minor indescretions do happen in relationships. From my own experiences Ive seen lots of relationships survive situations where it was just a kiss. Ive always seen cheating as a serious of stop signs. Your ex passed two. 1. Putting herself in a position with this guy and 2. actually kissing him. There are quite a few more stop signs to pass through before full sex occurs. Many relationships survive if the last stop sign isn't passed and thats the sign just before sex occurs. I hope this puts some perspective on it for you, but always do what feels right for you.

Best of luck.

JeffKenna

endofrelationship101 wrote: »

Thanks for the replys.

As far as I know it was only a kiss in the nightclub but I can't be sure if it went further or not, my Ex says it didn't but I can't take her word for it.

Also she has admitted to friends and family that she did cheat but many still seem to think I'm over reacting and that my reaction is over the top, people thinking that Im over reacting is fine its just Im over being challenged on it at this stage, Ive made my decision and that wont change.

When people challenge me I dont react, i usually just keep walking without saying anything. Its tiresome at this stage.

Im hesitant to kick up a fuss at work but i suppose Ill have no choice in the end.

Hi OP,

For what it's worth if it was me I too would be ending the relationship. It's not so much the kiss but the lack of remorse that seems to have gone with it. If she had come clean herself without prompting then this would again change the circumstances but she didn't.

seenitall

Grandeeod wrote: »

As a footnote. While I respect your values, its a tough world and minor indescretions do happen in relationships. From my own experiences Ive seen lots of relationships survive situations where it was just a kiss. Ive always seen cheating as a serious of stop signs. Your ex passed two. 1. Putting herself in a position with this guy and 2. actually kissing him. There are quite a few more stop signs to pass through before full sex occurs. Many relationships survive if the last stop sign isn't passed and thats the sign just before sex occurs. I hope this puts some perspective on it for you, but always do what feels right for you.

Best of luck.

A moot point for the OP since we all know very well that cheaters only admit what they're caught at, and no more. Especially the unapologetic ones. The OP will never know for sure how many "stop signs" were actually passed. Trust is gone, without trust there is no relationship.

I wouldn't contact her for any clarifications, OP, she made her own bed and is now refusing to lie in it. Tough luck, both for her and anyone supporting her out of some loyalty or whatever. Don't feed her drama, you're well out of it now. Silence speaks more loudly than words ever could.

I'd say just try and ride this phase out, it will all blow over soon enough, when she realises she can't have it her way this time. It's very bad form on her part to behaving like this now, IMO, and I think you really dodged a bullet with this girl, FWIW (and her strange bullying family!). Unapologetic cheater and selfish manipulator. Nice.

fits

Totally immature to be going off scoring blokes you don't know in nightclubs too. Like who does that past the age of 25?

Chattastrophe!

Grandeeod wrote: »

From reading the OPs problem, Im not entirely sure if this is over a kiss in a nightclub or she actually went off and had sex with another guy. If its the latter I can understand completely, but if its the former, I may be offering different advice.

Whatever about the sliding scale of unfaithfulness, surely the girl's behaviour in the aftermath says a lot about her ... it seems the OP dodged a bullet, big time! Imagine being stuck in a marriage with that level of instability and emotional manipulation!

OP I wouldn't even bother explaining myself to her family or friends, I think I'd just take the moral high ground. Refuse to engage with them, and tell your parents to do the same. If people are ready to think the worst of you and judge you based entirely on her version of events, they're not worth your time ... let them think what they want of you. Your real friends will stick around.

It was mentioned above about bringing it to the attention of HR - to be perfectly honest, this would be a last resort for me. Certainly, if it got very serious - as in, bullying behaviour - you should consider it. But to me it seems quite unprofessional to bring problems stemming from your private life into the workplace.

It seems you did your best to make it as clean a break-up as possible - you did everything right. It seems the poor girl has problems - but they're not your problems anymore, so don't let yourself get dragged in.

helimachoptor

Wibbs wrote: »

Sure. There's certainly a sliding scale of seriousness involved G. It would be contextual for me. Reading the OP, the bit that would make it far worse for me is her attitude over it. It seems from the OP's stance she didn't see it as that much of a big deal. That would rattle me more. TBH given the choice between a full on sexual encounter where the person showed genuine remorse and a snog session where they didn't I'd be conflicted. I'd be much more likely to try and work through the remorse laden one.

Fully agree with wibbs here, the fact she didnt see it as a big deal for me personally would indicate that she has probably done it before...

LegacyUser

Having read your post endofrelationship101 you have done the right thing ending your engagement. Your girlfriend cheated on you and she then lied about it.
After this you told her it was over and since then she has been bad mouthing you to her friends and parents.

Her mother sounds like a right nightmare. She does not want to let family members/friends know that her daughter cheated on you and that the wedding is off. That is why she told you to stop acting up. Her father thinks you have hurt his little girl and may be losing money because you ended things.
They have some nerve having a go at you after the way she behaved and as for getting you parents involved do they think by doing this your parents will tell you to marry this woman.

Any parents I know would not tell some one to marry a man or woman who cheated on them.
In regards to her friends I would just say to them - Well did ( her name) tell you she cheated on me so that is why our wedding is off.

To me a marriage is more that a big day out for family/friends. Her parents should not be pushing you to marry her. I believe that some times things happen for a reason and that it is only as time pass by you find out or realise why some thing happened.
My feeling is that you managed to dodge a bullet by ending this relationship.

You need to remember you have done nothing wrong here. I would tell your parents what it going on and ask them if her parents ring to tell them - I would not expect my son to marry a woman who cheated on him.
It may take some time for your ex and her parents to realise that you are not going to change your mind but in the end it is her fault and not yours that your relationship is over.

Queen-Mise

Wibbs wrote: »

It seems from the OP's stance she didn't see it as that much of a big deal. That would rattle me more. TBH given the choice between a full on sexual encounter where the person showed genuine remorse and a snog session where they didn't I'd be conflicted. I'd be much more likely to try and work through the remorse laden one.

Maybe she sees it as not a big deal because it wasn't in her head. She was obviously drunk and did something really fcuking stupid which she regrets. To err is to be human.

endofrelationship101 wrote: »

Thanks for the replys.

As far as I know it was only a kiss in the nightclub but I can't be sure if it went further or not, my Ex says it didn't but I can't take her word for it.

I think OP you are an unforgiving man. I think it is you who didn't want to get married and jumped at an excuse to get out and are sticking to your guns that you were cheated on - therefore you are perfect.
Your comment about not believing if it went any further proves my point. You can't prove a negative, no matter what she does or say - you will believe none of it.

I think the reason your family, her family, friends and workmates are being so hard on you is because they know she did something, albeit very stupid, but that she regrets it. And her heart is absolutely broken because you won't talk about it or even open up to the possibility of couples therapy or anything.

It is all or nothing in your head. To be honest I'd be glad for for she got the fcuk away from you. What happens if she ever developed a mental illness, gambling or an addiction. There is no forgiveness or understanding at all in you.


Before I am eaten alive without salt which I will be for the above post. I do not condone cheating, but will always excuse stupidity once. It is the rare person who hasn't royally c*cked up a few times in their life with different things.

Dracula!

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Maybe she sees it as not a big deal because it wasn't in her head. She was obviously drunk and did something really fcuking stupid which she regrets. To err is to be human.



I think OP you are an unforgiving man. I think it is you who didn't want to get married and jumped at an excuse to get out and are sticking to your guns that you were cheated on - therefore you are perfect.
Your comment about not believing if it went any further proves my point. You can't prove a negative, no matter what she does or say - you will believe none of it.

I think the reason your family, her family, friends and workmates are being so hard on you is because they know she did something, albeit very stupid, but that she regrets it. And her heart is absolutely broken because you won't talk about it or even open up to the possibility of couples therapy or anything.

It is all or nothing in your head. To be honest I'd be glad for for she got the fcuk away from you. What happens if she ever developed a mental illness, gambling or an addiction. There is no forgiveness or understanding at all in you.


Before I am eaten alive without salt which I will be for the above post. I do not condone cheating, but will always excuse stupidity once. It is the rare person who hasn't royally c*cked up a few times in their life with different things.

I agree 100% I think it would be difficult to maintain a marriage without some mercy for the weakness of being human. If everyone was judged on their weakest moments there would be no one pure left . It's often how you deal with this that you can deepen intimacy . I have learned that after 10 years of marriage.

Either way OP is entitled to his own view like
us all ! It's obvious the friends and work people really like the ex so don't like seeing her hurt but they need to back off its your life. Tell them buzz off

mylefttesticle

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Maybe she sees it as not a big deal because it wasn't in her head. She was obviously drunk and did something really fcuking stupid which she regrets. To err is to be human.



I think OP you are an unforgiving man. I think it is you who didn't want to get married and jumped at an excuse to get out and are sticking to your guns that you were cheated on - therefore you are perfect.
Your comment about not believing if it went any further proves my point. You can't prove a negative, no matter what she does or say - you will believe none of it.

I think the reason your family, her family, friends and workmates are being so hard on you is because they know she did something, albeit very stupid, but that she regrets it. And her heart is absolutely broken because you won't talk about it or even open up to the possibility of couples therapy or anything.

It is all or nothing in your head. To be honest I'd be glad for for she got the fcuk away from you. What happens if she ever developed a mental illness, gambling or an addiction. There is no forgiveness or understanding at all in you.


Before I am eaten alive without salt which I will be for the above post. I do not condone cheating, but will always excuse stupidity once. It is the rare person who hasn't royally c*cked up a few times in their life with different things.

Some people have self respect and some don't.

fenris

Dracula! wrote: »

I agree 100% I think it would be difficult to maintain a marriage without some mercy for the weakness of being human. If everyone was judged on their weakest moments there would be no one pure left . It's often how you deal with this that you can deepen intimacy . I have learned that after 10 years of marriage.

Either way OP is entitled to his own view like
us all ! It's obvious the friends and work people really like the ex so don't like seeing her hurt but they need to back off its your life. Tell them buzz off

Very true, trust and respect are at the root of any strong relationship, if you have that you can survive the normal screw ups and sometimes even come out the other end better, however if the screw up destroys the trust and respect then it is game over with no real lasting way back.

The fact that this was going to be a deal breaker couldn't have been news to her, thinking that she could gloss over it and carry on regardless showed a complete lack of respect bordering on contempt as does allowing her family and friends to bully and berate him into getting back together with her, that is no basis for even a passing acquaintance let alone marriage.

The OP is right to call it a day and count it as a bullet dodged, it is nothing to do with being unforgiving or heartless, is all to do with his eyes being opened to her true character and that of her family and friends, whatever hope she may have had, once her family and friends started a campaign of harassment and intimidation it was definitely time to get out and leave the whole lot of them to enjoy each others company.

Contempt and lack of trustworthiness is not an illness, he has no obligation to sacrifice his future to that set of circumstances, there are plenty of decent people out there that are capable of acting like adults.

thebannerboy

I think it sounds like the OP had already fallen out of love with her and is using this as an excuse to end it. It was a drunken kiss in a nightclub, probably exaggerated by his weasel friend who should have minded his own business. How can you just end an engagement and just move on with the snap of your fingers? No regrets expressed or anything. She must be in bits. But I think she got a lucky break from you. You sound cold!

Btw she acted like it wasn't a big deal on purpose, with the intent of playing the whole thing down, damage control. I don't believe it reflected how she felt about it in her head.

Anyway theres clearly no going back for the op..

Stenth

endofrelationship101 wrote: »

my Ex says it didn't but I can't take her word for it.

This, for me, would mean that the relationship was over. Why would you want to live with someone you can't trust?
(That is separate from the question about whether she is lying or not, so there is not much she can do at this stage to repair the situation.)

Different people have different criteria, of course. Following your own does not automatically make you wrong.

GarIT

You don't need to take phone calls or talk to people you don't want to. Don't be afraid to just hang up if her parents or friends call, you don't owe anyone an explanation. If somebody bothers you about personal issues in work go to your manager/HR/whoever is appropriate. You don't have to tolerate it.

GarIT

thebannerboy wrote: »

I think it sounds like the OP had already fallen out of love with her and is using this as an excuse to end it. It was a drunken kiss in a nightclub, probably exaggerated by his weasel friend who should have minded his own business. How can you just end an engagement and just move on with the snap of your fingers? No regrets expressed or anything. She must be in bits. But I think she got a lucky break from you. You sound cold!

Btw she acted like it wasn't a big deal on purpose, with the intent of playing the whole thing down, damage control. I don't believe it reflected how she felt about it in her head.

Anyway theres clearly no going back for the op..

What? Do you think it is that impossible that somebody might actually want their relationship and engagement to be respected? The OP has to have fallen out of love to have a problem with cheating, really?

"weasel friend"? This person who is one of the few honourable people that would actually look out for a friend and risk getting themself in the middle of things to protect their friend from signing their life away to a cheating partner deserves to be called names?

The friend exaggerated it? How do you know? The OP has heard what the friend saw and heard what his partner had to say and made his decision based on both sides of the story, what's the problem there? It's not even like the girl claimed it never happened.

The friend should mind his own business? A friend that wouldn't tell me that they caught my girlfriend cheating is no friend of mine. As a friend it is his business and as a friend it is his responsibility to tell the guy what was going on.

You can just move on when the person you loved isn't actually the person they claimed to be. A major aspect of her attitude towards the relationship was a lie, she had no respect for the relationship and that's a good enough reason to change your opinion on somebody in my books.

If she is in bits she is probably feeling how she deserves to feel. I think the OP is quite reasonable. There was no need to insult the OP.

How do you know what she was thinking, maybe if she was remorseful she should have shown it, if she hid it that's her own fault.

Your post really makes me feel sick.

Luke92

GarIT wrote: »

Your post really makes me feel sick.

Agree here. How can you say weasel friend? That's a loyal friend!

I'd say lying unloyal weasel girlfriend!

Calhoun

thebannerboy wrote: »

Btw she acted like it wasn't a big deal on purpose, with the intent of playing the whole thing down, damage control. I don't believe it reflected how she felt about it in her head.

Anyway theres clearly no going back for the op..

On what grounds do you make this assumption ?

From the sounds of all that's gone on the op dodged a bullet. When did it become ok to cheat and the some how become the wounded party. When did it also become ok to hang your dirty laundry in public so to speak and harass not only the partner but his parents.

Some people as hard as it is to believe have lines that you don't cross, others it seems will excuse anything because you only make mistakes once right?

Wibbs

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Maybe she sees it as not a big deal because it wasn't in her head.

and that's all I'd need to know. Plus if she didn't see it as a big deal why did she deny it?

diveout

Wibbs wrote: »

and that's all I'd need to know. Plus if she didn't see it as a big deal why did she deny it?

Maybe she was aware of the punishment she would face. People need to feel safe to be honest. And if you are not going to be believed about what happenned, then why would you?

December2012

I suppose OP she can't handle how the relationship ended so abruptly and from her side, possibly coldly.

I do not agree with her cheating!

However - you did agree to get married and part of that is about good times and bad. This is one of those "bad" times.

It does not mean you have to take her back, forgive her or anything like that. But you could have spoken with her.

She should not have cheated.

You should not have been cheated on.

Her friends and family should not be harassing you or your family.

But - couldn't you talk to her and find out what you can? Talk between yourselves without anybody else getting involved?

GarIT

December2012 wrote: »

I suppose OP she can't handle how the relationship ended so abruptly and from her side, possibly coldly.

I do not agree with her cheating!

However - you did agree to get married and part of that is about good times and bad. This is one of those "bad" times.

It does not mean you have to take her back, forgive her or anything like that. But you could have spoken with her.

She should not have cheated.

You should not have been cheated on.

Her friends and family should not be harassing you or your family.

But - couldn't you talk to her and find out what you can? Talk between yourselves without anybody else getting involved?

It really is in the OPs best interests to cut all contact and to not open a can of worms. For better or worse means if you get sick or loose your job not decide the relationship doesn't matter to you. She put herself in this position and is getting what she deserves.

thebannerboy

Its amazing the way in the OP's post there is a serious lack of empathy. No regrets for the future marriage expressed, no mention of the good times they once had, no fondness, no remorse nothing. Just the snap of his fingers and she is gone completely from his head and life. How can you move on from somebody you were in love enough with to ask them to marry you.

And I have seen girls cheating on friends and I would never open my mouth. I would however have no problem going over grabbing her and telling her to 'cop the funk on and threaten to tell him'. But if a couple were engaged and happy? No way would i butt in and ruin that for them.

If a drunken kiss in all those years is her only mistake then she deserves a second chance. She has been punished now and I would take her back. That's only reasonable human nature.

I would guess the OP has been cheated on before and now has developed this hardliner stance. Like a number of the posters on this thread.

She acted like it was not a big deal, in the hope he would feel the same. i.e. Ah it was just a small mistake, no point brooding over it, its nothing, lets move on'.

That's not what she was thinking that's just how she tried to handle it. And OP when you just blank somebody like its going to bring out a reaction like that. Its not a love reaction its just a human reaction to somebody just moving on without a backward glance. What do you expect her to do? Say umm... ok!!

Brussels Sprout

thebannerboy wrote: »

If a drunken kiss in all those years is her only mistake then she deserves a second chance. She has been punished now and I would take her back. That's only reasonable human nature.
!

The whole point is nobody knows if this was her only time cheating. She has said so but she's been proven to lie about these matters and only (eventually) confessed to this episode when presented with undeniable evidence to the contrary.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship and now he can't trust her anymore.

Fair play OP. I admire your strength and integrity. Hopefully you'll find someone who shares those qualities.

LegacyUser

thebannerboy wrote: »

Its amazing the way in the OP's post there is a serious lack of empathy. No regrets for the future marriage expressed, no mention of the good times they once had, no fondness, no remorse nothing. Just the snap of his fingers and she is gone completely from his head and life. How can you move on from somebody you were in love enough with to ask them to marry you.

And I have seen girls cheating on friends and I would never open my mouth. I would however have no problem going over grabbing her and telling her to 'cop the funk on and threaten to tell him'. But if a couple were engaged and happy? No way would i butt in and ruin that for them.

If a drunken kiss in all those years is her only mistake then she deserves a second chance. She has been punished now and I would take her back. That's only reasonable human nature.

I would guess the OP has been cheated on before and now has developed this hardliner stance. Like a number of the posters on this thread.

She acted like it was not a big deal, in the hope he would feel the same. i.e. Ah it was just a small mistake, no point brooding over it, its nothing, lets move on'.

That's not what she was thinking that's just how she tried to handle it. And OP when you just blank somebody like its going to bring out a reaction like that. Its not a love reaction its just a human reaction to somebody just moving on without a backward glance. What do you expect her to do? Say umm... ok!!

I dont mean to come across as cold but in the long run it will be better off for the both of us.

People set there own standards on how well or bad they let others treat them, what if I did give her another chance and I never trusted her again and was always paranoid? how fair would that be on her, that would be a disaster altogether. I dont trust her anymore, as ive said I dont no how far it went, I can't be sure and Im not willing to let it happen again. As far as I am aware of I have not been cheated on before but who knows.

And I am glad my friend told me, hes my best mate and Ive known him since forever, if he never told me I would of been living a lie with this girl and who knows how often she would of went on to do more, even her friends that were with her at the time didn't do anything to stop her or even reason with her, I think it would of been humiliating for me in the long run if I had never found out.

Lux23

I don't blame the girl, how can someone just cut ties with their fiancé like that. Surely, there would be lots of things to sort out.

desertcircus

I'm stumped as to how anyone thinks the OP is out of line or overreacting. His fiancee kissed someone else and regarded it as no big deal; I don't know if I'd fall out of love with my fiancee in the same situation, but I'm certain that it's a completely understandable response.

As for how to deal with everyone around who's being unpleasant about the situation: tell them the truth. She cheated on you, she didn't regard it as a big deal, and that made you fall out of love with her. I suspect most people will go very quiet very quickly once that's explained.

Chattastrophe!

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't blame the girl, how can someone just cut ties with their fiancé like that. Surely, there would be lots of things to sort out.

I did just this. And my ex-fiance hadn't even cheated on me or done anything wrong ... the feelings just weren't there anymore, on my side. Anything that had to be sorted out, we did it independently of each other.

It seems cruel at the time, but it's the best way to do it. No point giving false hope.

I really don't get why people are debating whether or not the OP should forgive the girl for cheating. Firstly, that's not the issue he was seeking advice on. Secondly, he clearly said in the first post that he doesn't have those feelings for her anymore - it's over for him. Thirdly, even if it wasn't over before, surely everything that has happened since makes it clear that the girl is unstable and not in a position to be in a relationship until she sorts herself out.

mrty

endofrelationship101 wrote: »

Going unregistered for this.

Well basically I decided to end my engagement to a girl due to the fact she cheated on me, apparently it was a one time thing, but never the less one time is and always has been enough for me. The situation was my Ex went out on a night out with her friends while I was out of town and whilst out she happened to go off with another fella in the nightclub, I know this because my best mate was out in the same night club and seen her, he later told me. I challenged her on the issue and after a while she finally admitted it. However, after admitting it I got the impression she felt this wasn't a big deal or even a significant problem.

Anyway the moment I found out this to be true I automatically made the decision that this relationship was over, she said I was over reacting and that she was sorry, all through floods of tears but to be honest I didn't care, we were done at this point.

I left and didn't see her or answer any of her calls or texts for about 3-4 weeks until a friend of hers approached me and called me every name under the sun and repeatedly stressed the fact I was a complete cnut and saying my Ex was suicidal and everything. I was also told by another she wasn't turning up for work or even looking after herself. I told the friend that she was the one who cheated but this was just ignored.

Ive moved on at this stage, The feelings I once had for her are gone. Ive lost a few friends because of this situation which I find upsetting because I don't see what Ive done wrong, should I contact her and explain things further? I feel this may do more harm than good myself because there is no chance of giving it another go. I met her at work (she took a new job and Im still there) and the friends shes made at work make snide remarks at me behind my back and one or two have abused me in public, her mother also rang me up and wanted me to, and I quote, "stop acting up", her father has threatened me and has even had arguments with my own mam and dad over this whole thing and I have no idea why they are even bringing my parents into this.

I wont be bullied or pressured into getting back together with her, however these threats need to stop and I need things at work to improve as its starting to get noticed by people.

Any advice on how to handle this? its a mess at this stage and I honestly didn't think this would have such an effect on so many people, I think as long as my Ex struggles I will be in the firing line, will this eventually blow over or is there something else I can do?

Firstly sir congratulations for ending it, you did exactly the right thing. Do not give in to pressure from outside influences, they are not the ones who will have to spend their days with a cheat, let's face it if there's no trust you'll never be happy. You have done nothing wrong, remember that, like you I don't get why people seem to be blaming you, the victim. Ignore her family I'm sure they know what she did was wrong but she's their family and their always gonna have to stand by her. And as for the friends you lost, their not friends man forget them. Move on man as you are, as far as I see your doing everything right. I know its nots easy because I found myself in a very similar situation years back, things will improve for both of you's. I don't k ow the ins and outs of your relationship but I do know that once a cheat always a cheat corny but very true. Keep on moving man all the best and good luck with everything.

Grandeeod

The tide in this thread is drifting towards the OPs fiance being unapologetic and unremorseful for what happened. However the OP said he got the "impression" she didn't think it was a big deal. He never said she told him it was no big deal. Since then she appears to have done all the running since he dumped her. Ive seen no evidence that she told him to deal with it and move on with the relationship. The OP got an "impression" or assumed something. It bares all the hallmarks of nothing more than a shift in a nightclub. Big problem for some and Ive already admired the OPs values in relation to it.

Now I despise cheating with a passion, but I fully respect human nature and if you are madly in love with someone, you do not just simply walk away with no questions asked. This forum is full of similar stories. Love is love and it doesn't just disappear when you hear that your partner has cheated. Despite the hurt, one is compelled to talk about things and cling to some hope even if the right thing to do is walk away. This particular situation sounds very clinical and I'm beginning to think that the OP is perhaps looking for a reason to get out. If this makes anyone feel sick, tough. Life isn't that simple and isn't black and white. Obviously being engaged somewhat lessens the seriousness of it in terms of dealing with it in a full on fashion. Im judging it from a perspective of being married with a child. If she shagged him, walk, but if it was just a kiss, then it would explain why the OPs ex is falling asunder. Real cheaters that shag someone else, move on once they are found out. This girl sounds distressed and while she brought it on herself, I find the OPs reaction to be admirable, but somewhat naieve in the greater scheme of things. The lack of communication between a couple who were engaged to be married is worrying and from what we have heard its driven by the OP.

Queen-Mise

diveout wrote: »

Maybe she was aware of the punishment she would face. People need to feel safe to be honest. And if you are not going to be believed about what happenned, then why would you?

I thank this a thousand times if I could. Although it probably says more about the types of relationships I have been in in the past though.

She'd deny it, if she knew her OH was a black/white, all or nothing, type guy.

We don't even know exactly what she did, flirt & kiss a guy in a club? Was she drunk and just how drunk? Was she sober? Was it malicious? Was she willing? Was it one of those pushy guys that you get in clubs? Who initiated what happened?
Was it one of those nights... When she realised this is one of the last nights I can go out with the girls and still be relatively 'free' before marriage & kids - flirted with a guy and it went too far.

I am seeing this as stupidity rather than cheating.

Chattastrophe!

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I thank this a thousand times if I could. Although it probably says more about the types of relationships I have been in in the past though.

She'd deny it, if she knew her OH was a black/white, all or nothing, type guy.

We don't even know exactly what she did, flirt & kiss a guy in a club? Was she drunk and just how drunk? Was she sober? Was it malicious? Was she willing? Was it one of those pushy guys that you get in clubs? Who initiated what happened?
Was it one of those nights... When she realised this is one of the last nights I can go out with the girls and still be relatively 'free' before marriage & kids - flirted with a guy and it went too far.

I am seeing this as stupidity rather than cheating.

Queen-Mise, why do you feel that your post is relevant to the OPs issue? As he said:

endofrelationship101 wrote: »

The feelings I once had for her are gone.

The relationship is already over. He's not asking whether or not he should forgive the cheating. As he said, his feelings for her are gone. He's not asking whether or not he should break up with her - it's already happened.

I don't get why people are debating whether or not cheating is forgiveable, and what constitutes cheating, and how much is too much, and when is it or is it not excusable ... the OP should not have to defend his decision.

He's already broken up with the girl, it's over, and he's looking for advice on how to deal with the harassment he's getting from his ex and her family and friends. He's not looking for opinions on whether or not he was right to end the relationship.

Grandeeod

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

Queen-Mise, why do you feel that your post is relevant to the OPs issue? As he said:



The relationship is already over. He's not asking whether or not he should forgive the cheating. As he said, his feelings for her are gone. He's not asking whether or not he should break up with her - it's already happened.

I don't get why people are debating whether or not cheating is forgiveable, and what constitutes cheating, and how much is too much, and when is it or is it not excusable ... the OP should not have to defend his decision.

He's already broken up with the girl, it's over, and he's looking for advice on how to deal with the harassment he's getting from his ex and her family and friends. He's not looking for opinions on whether or not he was right to end the relationship.

For every action there is a reaction. Its working both ways here. the OP cannot just run and hide.

fenris

Action | Reaction
She cheated | he dumped her.
harassment | what do you think should happen?