The Engagement Pressure

IrishAlice

I'm sure this has probably been discussed before but I really just want to know if anyone else is experiencing this.

I've been going out with my boyfriend nearly 4 years, we're very happy together, buying a house and everything's going well.

We know that someday we want to get married but it's not something that we discuss with a set timeline or anything.

Once we got past the 3 year mark and other friends started to get engaged I've noticed that lots of friends have started asking me when do I think he'll propose.

Whenever we go away anywhere I can see people looking at me before I go with this look as if to say "he's definitely going to pop the question" and then expectantly looking at my ringless finger upon our return.

Either that or they bluntly will say it to me, maybe he'll propose this time or God that would be a great city to get a ring in!!

I'm starting to get really annoyed with this and don't understand how people think it's ok to be so blunt about these things!

Has anyone else experienced this?

pwurple

Ah for jaysus sake, you are practically married already by the sounds of it. Buying a house together might as well be married, if you are together that long you've probably aquired some common-law rights anyway.

Irish people LOVE to wind people up too. So, consider it a bit of banter, and give as good as you get....

Any sign of a ring? -> seen any good graveyard plots lately?
When will we see you in a white dress -> how's your divorce coming along?

Etc.

IrishAlice

pwurple wrote: »

Ah for jaysus sake, you are practically married already by the sounds of it. Buying a house together might as well be married, if you are together that long you've probably aquired some common-law rights anyway.

Irish people LOVE to wind people up too. So, consider it a bit of banter, and give as good as you get....

Any sign of a ring? -> seen any good graveyard plots lately?
When will we see you in a white dress -> how's your divorce coming along?

Etc.

It's not the whether or not we're married or what common law rights I have that bother me.

It's just how people think it's OK to ask such personal stuff that's really getting on my nerves!

Just wanted to see if other people are getting this or if it's just that my friends are exceptionally nosy

XxMCRxBabyxX

I'm with my boyfriend 7 years and the engagement talk is getting stronger and stronger these days. Which is insane because we're only 23! I'm sick of telling people that we feel that we're too young. Half of the time the people who star asking are ones who'd never be invited to a wedding of mine anyway!

fits

Yerra people just don't think. I don't think they mean anything bad by it. After engagement it'll be when's the wedding, babies etc. Just brush it off.

eviltwin

Its the Irish way of doing things isn't it, once you buy a house if you're not engaged already people assume its just a matter of time. But its rude and its a lot of pressure.

I didn't get engaged at all, I was sick of constantly being asked when it was going to happen that when we eventually decided to get married we did exactly that, we decided to get married and bypassed the engagement entirely. I couldn't face another year or two of wedding talk.

I don't know who is worse, friends or family, maybe its just that mine were especially bad but it was relentless for a while. It was kinda insulting in a way, almost as if the cohabiting us wasn't as serious or genuine a union as the married us would be. I don't really understand it or what motivates it. You have my sympathy OP because its not easy. All you can do is tell people that you are happy as you are and that if there is any movement you'll let them know.

meeeeh

fits wrote: »

Yerra people just don't think. I don't think they mean anything bad by it. After engagement it'll be when's the wedding, babies etc. Just brush it off.

Actually they stop asking you about a wedding approximately three years after you get engaged and make no effort to actually get married. I haven't been ask about wedding for at least three years now.

IrishAlice

eviltwin wrote: »

Its the Irish way of doing things isn't it, once you buy a house if you're not engaged already people assume its just a matter of time. But its rude and its a lot of pressure.

I didn't get engaged at all, I was sick of constantly being asked when it was going to happen that when we eventually decided to get married we did exactly that, we decided to get married and bypassed the engagement entirely. I couldn't face another year or two of wedding talk.

I don't know who is worse, friends or family, maybe its just that mine were especially bad but it was relentless for a while. It was kinda insulting in a way, almost as if the cohabiting us wasn't as serious or genuine a union as the married us would be. I don't really understand it or what motivates it. You have my sympathy OP because its not easy. All you can do is tell people that you are happy as you are and that if there is any movement you'll let them know.

It's definitely my friends who are worse. I was out for dinner with some girlfriends on Friday and actually had one of them say to me it's time he got his backside in gear already and popped the question (not in a joking way either!).

Then yesterday a friend who recently got engaged and used to get hounded with all the same questions as me started asking me do I think he'll propose!

I've just had a few days of it being nearly constant from various different friends so it's starting to grate a little.

It's weird because it's not even like there's an occasion or anything coming up that is causing so many people to ask me.

Scarinae

I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years, but we went long-distance after college and haven’t properly lived together yet. I have never had much bother from my extended family about marriage, but that may be because my older sister has been with her boyfriend for nine years and she isn’t married either.

However, I was at a friend’s wedding over the weekend [by myself] and the amount of people asking me about this was unreal (some people were saying things like “I wonder who will be next?” and looking pointedly at me, others asked me outright when we’d be getting engaged) I just said that I’d like to live with someone before I marry them, and that’s not an option at the moment. I don’t think people mean any harm by it, but I was fairly bemused by the whole thing.

DM addict

I feel for you, IrishAlice. It's incredibly personal, even from close friends. You'd think (hope!) that once you've said a couple of times that neither of you are concerned with getting married just yet, that things would die down. But, they won't! And if you get defensive about it, people assume that he's dragging his heels and that you're upset. It's a complete lose-lose.

I wish I had sage/witty advice. Bantering about it is an option, certainly. Or just reply with "we'll get married when we want to". Or perhaps "I didn't realise it was compulsory to get engaged on holiday"

It is not easier when you get engaged, or married. We still get the "when are you having kids" thing, or even worse "I totally assumed you'd have kids by now". Women can be very judgemental of the life choices of others.

Scarinae

DM addict wrote: »

It is not easier when you get engaged, or married. We still get the "when are you having kids" thing, or even worse "I totally assumed you'd have kids by now".

And when you do have a baby, it'll become "When will [child] be getting a sibling?" :rolleyes:

XxMCRxBabyxX

Scarinae wrote: »

And when you do have a baby, it'll become "When will [child] be getting a sibling?" :rolleyes:

It's almost getting to the point when they ask if you've started the menopause yet!

Gongoozler

I'm kinda surprised at the amount saying it's people saying when is he going to ask, has he not asked yet. Are we still that backwards that women can't decide for themselves if they want to get married, and if they do that they might ask him? That'd be one of the first things I'd come out with if someone ever said that to me. It would really annoy me if someone assumed I needed to or was waiting to be asked.

But no I've never been asked, or had it hinted around me. Maybe people know me better. My boyfriends ma has apparently asked or hinted, can't remember. She assumed I wouldn't be happy with him not wanting to get married. And she would generally be what I'd consider fairly progressive, for her age.

DM addict

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm kinda surprised at the amount saying it's people saying when is he going to ask, has he not asked yet. Are we still that backwards that women can't decide for themselves if they want to get married, and if they do that they might ask him? That'd be one of the first things I'd come out with if someone ever said that to me. It would really annoy me if someone assumed I needed to or was waiting to be asked.

But no I've never been asked, or had it hinted around me. Maybe people know me better. My boyfriends ma has apparently asked or hinted, can't remember. She assumed I wouldn't be happy with him not wanting to get married. And she would generally be what I'd consider fairly progressive, for her age.

Speaking as someone who proposed - yes, we are that backwards. Although I got a lot of "good for you" type comments, a lot of people seemed disappointed with me. Or conciliatory - as though I must have been waiting YEARS for him to ask and just had enough. Or indignant on my behalf that I don't have an engagement ring, and assuming that I must be disappointed, or must be dragging him out to a ring shop as soon as he'd agreed. None of which happened, obviously.

Penny Tration

I'm with my boyfriend a little under a year. But, because he's 30 this month, and I'm mid-20s, his mother has mentioned us moving in together more than once, and my mother told him outright that she wants us to give her a grandchild :eek:

We told them both to feck off, way too early for moving in, and neither of us want children.

kissmequick

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I'm with my boyfriend 7 years and the engagement talk is getting stronger and stronger these days. Which is insane because we're only 23! I'm sick of telling people that we feel that we're too young. Half of the time the people who star asking are ones who'd never be invited to a wedding of mine anyway!

Lol start saying that back to them, when they ask so when's the Wedding, respond with well you certainly won't need to know the date anyway, it might take a minute for them, then watch the holier-than-thou smirk turn into a damn-that-biatch-she's-got-me perfectly-moulded scowl. :pac::D

IvyTheTerrible

Yes it's annoying. I'm with my OH for 8 years, we have a child together and we have decided that we are going to get married next summer, but there was no proposal, and I don't want an engagement ring (we have the money, it's just I don't wear jewellry and I have some ethical issues with diamonds and gold). It was just something that we discussed. My parents don't get it at all. They think when I tell them we'll get married that I must be lying/obfuscating because otherwise I'd have the ring, engagement party etc.

IrishAlice

I have to say I feel so much better after reading everyone's comments. It's nice to know that it's not just me that gets it!

Even if he does ever propose I don't even know if I'd want the big wedding with all the relations coming and giving out at the reception because the beef was undercooked or the soup was cold.

No doubt if I make the decision to go against that norm I'll get questions thrown at me too

eviltwin

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Yes it's annoying. I'm with my OH for 8 years, we have a child together and we have decided that we are going to get married next summer, but there was no proposal, and I don't want an engagement ring (we have the money, it's just I don't wear jewellry and I have some ethical issues with diamonds and gold). It was just something that we discussed. My parents don't get it at all. They think when I tell them we'll get married that I must be lying/obfuscating because otherwise I'd have the ring, engagement party etc.

I don't have a ring either, I just don't like rings and we had better things to spend the money on. Its crazy because everyone who knows me knows I don't like rings and yet I still got the sad faces when I told them we were bypassing it altogether.

I don't know what it is about wedding traditions that turn women who are otherwise very independent and modern into characters from an Austen novel. Does anyone one see it? Women who are desperate to marry but who won't take the initiative as its a man's job to propose or who feel no ring or big romantic proposal is lazy on his behalf or shows a lack of love. These are the same women who look on other women in cohabiting relationships with pity almost even if those women are really happy with their situation. The really ironic part is I've seen so many marriage fail or struggle so they know its not the fairytale.

Neyite

Oh I had that. I'm ashamed to say I even let it get to me a LOT before I copped on. But, like that, I was getting constantly asked, everyone around me was getting engaged and having weddings, plus I was in my mid thirties so in case I was deaf or something, was helpfully reminded often about the biological clock ticking.

And after 9 years and a baby, we did get engaged. I wasnt congratulated by my inlaws until I had the ring, when they could 'officially' welcome me to the family - clearly birthing a grandchild wasnt sufficient, had to be jewellery that it hinged on. :rolleyes:

As it happens, I got pregnant and miscarried after we got engaged, and that reinforced to us where our priorities lie as a couple at the moment -trying for another baby (or two?), so we decided to concentrate on that first. When we are done planning our family, we will get married and throw a party to celebrate that family. So we are not in any rush. We ARE commited, we ARE a family. To me a wedding is a nice way of legally stamping your existing commitment.

The added advantage of having a long engagement, is that people stop asking you about wedding plans and sticking their own oars in. I'd be very non-traditional in my preferences and depending on your mother/ mother in law, aunts etc your ideas can be met with pearl-clutching horror if you dont have a wedding car, proper flowers, nice church, beef-or-salmon type affair. Me? I'd love a beach wedding, or Vegas might be nice too. Lately though, someone put the idea of a vineyard wedding in my head, and that sounds nice too. So my non-trad wedding, whenever it happens, will be interesting.

Vel

My partner and I have been together 11 years, have three young children and still get this from people. When I was pregnant with our first, we had people asking if it was planned which I imagine was down to the fact that we weren't married.

We were very much not pushed about the whole marriage thing but as the kids have come along we have have chnaged our thinking somewhat on it, but if/when we do it will be as small as we can possibly make it, something for us and not everyone else.

fits

I see marriage as something that would safeguard my partners guardianship if we did have children, and something that will keep our families happy, rather than something I need for myself. So as there is no internal pressure about it either way, I don't feel any pressure from others even if comments are passed.

DM addict

IrishAlice wrote: »

I have to say I feel so much better after reading everyone's comments. It's nice to know that it's not just me that gets it!

Even if he does ever propose I don't even know if I'd want the big wedding with all the relations coming and giving out at the reception because the beef was undercooked or the soup was cold.

No doubt if I make the decision to go against that norm I'll get questions thrown at me too

We avoided the big wedding, and the masses of relatives we don't really like. We had a small wedding, with our own vows, and it was incredibly personalised to stuff that we like, as well as being just fun.

I've heard a lot of friends say their wedding day passed in a blur, and that they don't really remember a lot of it as they were constantly doing the rounds and didn't relax or enjoy it. Balls to that. I had a great time, and so did my guests. No standing on ceremony required (apart from the bit where we were standing during the ceremony. . . .)

pwurple

IrishAlice wrote: »

I have to say I feel so much better after reading everyone's comments. It's nice to know that it's not just me that gets it!

Even if he does ever propose I don't even know if I'd want the big wedding with all the relations coming and giving out at the reception because the beef was undercooked or the soup was cold.

No doubt if I make the decision to go against that norm I'll get questions thrown at me too

Please tell me you are not sitting there waiting for it to occur to some guy to propose some day. This is why people feel they need to do this banter rubbish... To remind the guy.

You can discuss this kind of thing like adults between the two of you as well.

IrishAlice

pwurple wrote: »

Please tell me you are not sitting there waiting for it to occur to some guy to propose some day. This is why people feel they need to do this banter rubbish... To remind the guy.

You can discuss this kind of thing like adults between the two of you as well.

First of all I'm not waiting on "some guy" I'm in a long term relationship.

Secondly, no I'm not waiting around for him to propose. We're happy together so if it happens great and if not that's ok too.

Like I said earlier we do discuss it but haven't put a timeline on things.