The 'One'- what are your experiences?

cazzer22

Websites like college times/cosmopolitan etc are always posting articles with the title 'How to know when you've met the one' or '12 signs he's the one' etc.

Not too sure I believe there is 'The One' even out there, but interested to know what you guys think and what your experiences are. When did you all know that you'd met 'The One'? What about the person made you think this is the person I want in my life for the rest of it?

Looking forward to hearing your replies

Lux23

I knew my fella was special about two hours after meeting him, I can't really explain why it was just a feeling I got. I felt very safe with him. Plus he did all the chasing and never played any games with me. It was all fairly clear that we were together from the get go.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who met "the one", got married, got divorced.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Don't believe in it. I believe that some couples are better suited to each other than others, some couples are fantastically suited to each other and deeply attracted to each other...but two souls wandering the world seeking each other and only each other until finally destiny unites them and they ride off into the sunset or some bollocks? Na. You might find someone whose personality meshes incredibly well with yours, whose goals and beliefs are compatible with yours, to whom you have a very strong attraction, and with whom you have a long or even lifelong partnership, but out of the 7 billion people on the planet they're supposed to be the 'one' for you and you for them?

Statistically unlikely fairyland nonsense I tells you :mad: Falling in love makes people lose a lot of perspective.

pwurple

No such thing, and I'm with the same guy 15 years, married with a coupla kids. Still happy with him but who knows what the future holds!

I've no doubt there are/were plenty of people I would have been compatible with.

username123

We all have lots of "ones", if there was just one each hardly anyone would ever find them and there would be a lot of lonely people.

eviltwin

don't believe it either and I'm in a long relationship

CathyMoran

I married the first man I met in UCD - there was something about him from the moment i first saw him and I never forget that moment. We kept on bumping into one another and finally got together then had several splits including a very painful one before we finally got sense and got married just over 7.5 years ago. This is the very much shortened versions and lots of other things happened that were too much to be coincidences. We have been through a lot together so I am certain that he is the one for me.

DM addict

I don't believe in "the one". Apart from the statistical improbability, it's just not how relationships work.

I am happily married to someone I cannot imagine living without. But I don't think that's because we were destined or 'meant' to be together. I think it's because we got together at a time we were both ready for a long term relationship, and that we're compatible in interests but still individual people, and because we work hard at our relationship and have open communication, etc.

I get why people want to believe in this. It's because it's easier to blame destiny/karma/the universe/god for your relationship not working, or for being "unlucky in love", or for not settling down, or whatever. But I think it's actually a very damaging concept. It encourages people to idealise "good" relationships, where everything is easy, and you never fight or disagree or have problems. It's just daft, and has left a lot of people I know with very odd outlooks on relationships and dating and so forth.

I think you can know early in a relationship (or even as soon as you meet someone) that something "feels right", like Lux23 says - and if you're lucky, you're both feeling the same thing. But I think that's more a case of meeting the right kind of person at the right kind of time, rather than meeting "the one". I think that even if those moments pass or those relationships fail, that there is a possibility of finding happiness elsewhere. It's not a guarantee though. Destiny isn't hiding a perfect partner until the perfect moment, with fireworks etc.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

DM addict wrote: »

I get why people want to believe in this. It's because it's easier to blame destiny/karma/the universe/god for your relationship not working, or for being "unlucky in love", or for not settling down, or whatever. But I think it's actually a very damaging concept. It encourages people to idealise "good" relationships, where everything is easy, and you never fight or disagree or have problems. It's just daft, and has left a lot of people I know with very odd outlooks on relationships and dating and so forth.

That's a very good point actually. And I've seen it happen where it makes break-ups a lot harder on people. Not that they're ever easy, but believing that you were in a relationship with 'the One' rather than 'somebody' is something that's a lot harder to move on from.

Lou.m

cazzer22 wrote: »

Websites like college times/cosmopolitan etc are always posting articles with the title 'How to know when you've met the one' or '12 signs he's the one' etc.

Not too sure I believe there is 'The One' even out there, but interested to know what you guys think and what your experiences are. When did you all know that you'd met 'The One'? What about the person made you think this is the person I want in my life for the rest of it?

Looking forward to hearing your replies

I have met two who I thought I would be having a serious relationship with.

Obviously they were not the one. But they were direct and sure of their feelings.

He made me think he was someone to take seriously and was someone I could count on to be there. He had a strong presence. He was on my side and wanted to get to know me.

There were no games or bull****. He was honest (well or so I thought) . He earned my respect and I had faith in him. Obviously there was chemistry and some commonality. I felt he got me or more importantly was attempting to get me maybe that is more important. I was important to him and that made him important to me. I felt I could trust him and whatever happened we would be there for each other.

He made a huge effort I felt ..special ..and he was special .and so i made efforts..we were special ...sigh...

He was not the one...but there you go. ..

I don't think you get only one...I think you know who is going to be serious and if you two work at it positively together beyond the magic stage then it will last.

Love is beautiful.:)

I think there is more than one ...maybe some people have 'the one' I do think someone people have a certain 'something'.
And when they meet 'BAM'. Love all over the place!

Dolbert

I always took 'the one' to mean the one you see yourself sharing your life with. The only time I've felt that was with my husband, with other relationships I always saw it ending down the road for one reason or another.

IvyTheTerrible

I don't think there is any such thing as the "one".
I do think you can meet someone where everything clicks but that's just happenstance rather than something that's "meant to be".
I think this prevailing idea of the "one" means some people are waiting for some sort of "perfect" partner that doesn't exist.

Windorah

I had been good friends with my now partner and actually rejected his advances a few times before we finally got together!!
We kissed on a Saturday night, he came over to my house on Sunday and he never left!!
I still don't believe in 'the one' though... I think Disney films have a lot to answer for!!

Neyite

I dont think my partner is 'the one'. But I do hope that we will be as happy to the end of our days as we are right now.

Forever does not exist. Even if a relationship lasts 60 years, its still a temporary arrangement with a potentially painful ending for one of you.

I'm a right little ray of fcuking sunshine, arent I? .

I've seen men and women get obsessed by their ex's because they bought into the concept of 'the one' and refused to accept it was over, or that there would be other relationships for them equal to or better than, the one they just had. I've seen the damage it can cause, both to the obsessive ex and to the partner who escaped. So in my mind, whenever I hear someone bang on about 'the one' I just see red flags.

Penny Dreadful

I don't think the "One" as in one person being a perfect match for you for all of your life actually exists either.
I went out with someone for 10 years and at the start was bananas about him but I was very young - time went on and we grew up and grew apart. There were many character traits that he had that I didn't like, thought weren't nice and ultimately he proved himself to be very selfish and so we broke up.
The break up wasn't easy and all the other stuff that goes with that. However at no stage did I think that I had done the wrong thing by ending the relationship.
A while later I met someone else and things just felt right from very early on. We are now married two years and expecting our first baby.
There are things about him that will annoy or irritate me but there isn't a single person in the world that can live 24/7 with someone and not have things that annoy or irritate them.
However what makes me love him and want to be with him is that he is kind, thoughtful and nice to me and to other people too. These things are personality traits that either you have or don't have - and they are very important when sharing a life together.
Obviously I am attracted to him and think he is super sexy and all that other stuff but life being life these things will change I have no doubt (although sexy is, its not something you get) as the years take their toll on both of us. Its the other stuff that lasts.
Every relationship takes work, effort and commitment. If we all assume that its as easy as finding "the one" and nothing more then we will all end up with a series of failed relationships behind us.

Sadderday

I think the 'one' is always going to cause some confusion!

I do think the person we meet that we feel is 'the one' probably is the one at that time... but life changes, people change and drift apart so I think the 'real one' will stand the test of time...

If the very basics of a good match are underneath all of the frontiers we put up to get through life... it will show itself, some people see it, some people don't, some people are too caught up in lust and then distracted by life that it takes years to realise...

I think I'm lucky, I met my OH and knew straight away I would love him. I've been loving him more each day!

But I will always reserve a tiny piece of myself, maintain my independance so I don't have to rely solely on him to make me happy .... and I think he appreciates that, it took years to learn.

I think it will stand the test of time, I'm sure of it.

Dark Phoenix

M'eh I thought my ex was 'the one' - I was wrong! So if I were to follow the idea the there is 'one' real person for each of us I;d either have to concede that he wasn't 'the one' or that he was and I am destined to settle or be alone which would be rather bleak

I think obviously there are people you just click with and are attracted to wether thats a slow burn or a case of falling fast. However as circumstances change so do people so nothing is ever a given.

I do know some couples that I think are just fantastically suited to each other. My brother met his current partner and within a few weeks they were madly in love with each other and they are very happy together so it does happen but I don;t think thats means they will stay together for good or always feel the same

IrishAlice

I don't believe in "the one". I think it gives people unrealistic expectations of love and relationships.

It's never going to be a case of meeting this one person who completes you (I really take issue with that notion too!) and then everything falls into place.

Relationships are hard work and it's important to be in a relationship where both parties are willing to do the work together to make it a great partnership

Greenduck

I think there is 'the one' but its the one for you at that particular time in your life. I thought I was with 'the one' 3 different times but they were merely the right 'one' at that time. My boyfriend now is amazing and I have no doubt we'll end up together. Is he the only person on the planet I'd be capable of marrying? I don't think so. (hes the only one I want to marry though and at this stage in my life he's the perfect person for me! )

Windorah

Greenduck wrote: »

I think there is 'the one' but its the one for you at that particular time in your life. I thought I was with 'the one' 3 different times but they were merely the right 'one' at that time. My boyfriend now is amazing and I have no doubt we'll end up together. Is he the only person on the planet I'd be capable of marrying? I don't think so. (hes the only one I want to marry though and at this stage in my life he's the perfect person for me! )

Yes!! I could have written that! My thoughts exactly:)

shalalala

I thought I had met my one. But I hadn't. I completely get what everyone is saying about not believing in it but I still have a feeling that there is someone out there for me.

In my head it isn't going to be magical or anything. Relationships are hard work and if you find your one I would presume it would still be hard work but just that you compliment each other more.

It is probably a childish notion but I still really want to meet someone that I am sure I should be with forever.

Morag

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeZMIgheZro

I don't think there is The One, there is one which you fall in love with and can create a life with but that doesn't mean there is only One for each of us.

username123

IrishAlice wrote: »

Relationships are hard work and it's important to be in a relationship where both parties are willing to do the work together to make it a great partnership

I read this and asked my hubby if he thought that our relationship was work or hard work (or any work).

I think you do have to work at a relationship. Its easy to get complacent, to fall into the trap of not being sexy for each other (familiarity can breed contempt and all that), not actually talking about your relationship, or sometimes, of managing the other person rather than cause a row (when really the row might be the right thing to do!). Hubby thought the same. But it shouldnt be futile work, you should be able to work on the relationship together and see growth and positive outcome.

I overheard a very very sad conversation in my local gym where a women in her 50s was saying to another woman how she would never replace her husband, how her life would change so positively if he was gone, how he had become a moany old git and she resented how he behaved towards her, to the children etc... She said that if he died she would never ever want to be with another man. Its sad to think that a woman of that age had such a negative attitude towards her husband. So much so that even if he was gone she was completely off men. I wondered why she didnt just leave him if life with him was so miserable.

IvyTheTerrible

username123 wrote: »

I read this and asked my hubby if he thought that our relationship was work or hard work (or any work).

I think you do have to work at a relationship. Its easy to get complacent, to fall into the trap of not being sexy for each other (familiarity can breed contempt and all that), not actually talking about your relationship, or sometimes, of managing the other person rather than cause a row (when really the row might be the right thing to do!). Hubby thought the same. But it shouldnt be futile work, you should be able to work on the relationship together and see growth and positive outcome.

I overheard a very very sad conversation in my local gym where a women in her 50s was saying to another woman how she would never replace her husband, how her life would change so positively if he was gone, how he had become a moany old git and she resented how he behaved towards her, to the children etc... She said that if he died she would never ever want to be with another man. Its sad to think that a woman of that age had such a negative attitude towards her husband. So much so that even if he was gone she was completely off men. I wondered why she didnt just leave him if life with him was so miserable.

I'd love to know this too. My OH's parents can't stand each other, they can hardly be in the same room together, they say awful things to each other, and when the dad isn't around the mum gives out about him ALL the time, it's actually kinda stressful to be around. Her sons asked her why doesn't she leave him, she says "Why should I leave him? He can leave if he wants" or "Oh that's easy for you to say".

username123

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

I'd love to know this too. My OH's parents can't stand each other, they can hardly be in the same room together, they say awful things to each other, and when the dad isn't around the mum gives out about him ALL the time, it's actually kinda stressful to be around. Her sons asked her why doesn't she leave him, she says "Why should I leave him? He can leave if he wants" or "Oh that's easy for you to say".

Yes, I do know some other couples who are like this also.

I can only surmise that its a combination of an old fashioned view of marriage (ie, that its for life) and a financial situation that doesnt allow for independent living, like the wife not having an independent income - and neither willing to live in reduced circumstances (a council or smaller home). As long as there is no outright abuse I think a lot of people just stay and become these giving out stressful people to be around who dont like their spouse.

IrishAlice

username123 wrote: »

But it shouldnt be futile work, you should be able to work on the relationship together and see growth and positive outcome.

I totally agree, it's important that you see rewards from the work both people in the relationship put into it.

In my previous relationship we rarely fought but when we did it would be a major bust up where we'd be on the brink of splitting up. I used to think this was ok and normal but really it's not.

Now I can see that we weren't communicating properly. If we had of addressed issues as and when they happened and discussed them like rational grown ups the big bust ups would never have happened.

I feel that my current relationship is much healthier in that regard. We're totally straight with each other and make sure to communicate with each other all the time instead of bottling things up.

One thing my OH used to always say to me in the beginning and I've finally learned is that he's not psychic and can't just know what's in my head just like I can't know what's in his

Corkgirl210

still waiting on the ONE.. although I have been in love a couple of times.. have always felt something was missing.. some of my friends have all settled and i mean "settled" with their partners and its very sad because you can tell they are not compatible and are with them for the wrong reasons.. I would rather be lonely on my own, than lonely in a relationship!! So for the time being.. i am the "one" until i find the other "one" - if i don't .. then so be it. The older you get the more acceptance you get..

strobe

I don't think I'll ever get this attitude of 'a relationship is hard god damn work.' Not all are. And if yours is your probably just trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole tbh. I don't believe in 'the one' where everything is magical always, but I think if anyone thinks like above then they aren't just not with 'the one', they're with the completely wrong one but trying to force it, whether they can admit that to themselves or not. Very sad.

PLL

From the second I met my other half I couldn't stop thinking about him. Not love at first sight or anything like thay. But a spark/chemistry/a feeling that we clicked. I'm drawn to people with lovely smiles and I just couldn't stop thinking about his. The next time I saw him (he was friends with the guys I lived with in college) we kissed and the rest as they say is history. 4 years and a beautiful daughter. Sometimes he drives me up the wall, but my god there is no one else I would rather wake up next to.

Is he what I imagined as 'the one' - no. However none of that matters when you meet someone and they're all you can think about. Pointing out things he does that your perfect man wouldn't just doesn't even enter the mind.

DM addict

strobe wrote: »

I don't think I'll ever get this attitude of 'a relationship is hard god damn work.' Not all are. And if yours is your probably just trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole tbh. I don't believe in 'the one' where everything is magical always, but I think if anyone thinks like above then they aren't just not with 'the one', they're with the completely wrong one but trying to force it, whether they can admit that to themselves or not. Very sad.

I get where you're coming from - if your relationship is hard work all the time, then you need to take a look at it.

When I say a relationship involves work, I mean that it needs time and committment and attention to be sustained. This isn't necessarily difficult - but it is, in a sense, work. If myself/partner have had long, sh*tty days and can't be bothered talking, it's work to get that conversation going. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it - we are always better when we engage with each other as opposed to keeping things to ourselves - however big/small/significant those things may be.

It should be easy to be with the person you love. But life isn't easy. We all have faced - and will face again - things that make our everyday lives hard. These things can make being in a relationship harder. That doesn't mean that you're not with the right person for you - although stressful situations can often reveal significant cracks - it just means that everything is hard, and sometimes that includes your relationship.

That said, I have known people who are trying to make their relationship perfect, and by so doing neither of the people in it are happy. But realising and admitting that to oneself can be difficult.

Chattastrophe!

I absolutely hate the idea of "The One".

It totally removes the element of fun, and choice, from the whole thing!

I'm with my boyfriend because we have fun together, we "get" each other, we can say pretty much anything to each other without judgement, we fancy each other lots, we share the same values in lots of respects, we can comfortably share a house together without driving each other totally crazy. (Although we certainly do have our moments.) But really he's my best friend, and I hope I'm his.

I don't believe he's the one and only man in the world I could do all of this with ... but I do believe that he's the one and only man in the world that I want to do all of this with. He's worth it. We're worth it. And together we've brought a perfect new little boy into the world, and as it happens, my boyfriend is an excellent father.

Having said all of the above - I don't want to be harsh or horrible (as chances are he'll see this) - but ... yeah, of course, I could have ended up with someone else (or no one at all) and had a completely different life, and yeah I could have been completely happy, and unable to imagine a happier life. Same with him - he could very easily have ended up with a different girlfriend and a different life.

There are so many paths we all could take in life. I'm happy with the life and the family that I have. My boyfriend might not be "the" one, but he's MY one, the only one I want, and I love him to bits. That's enough for me.

hoodwinked

i met my husband for the 3rd time when my ex (also his friend) set us up, at that time i didn't recognize him from our previous meetings so it was not love at first sight or anything like it.

many people have told me, "it must have been fate" "he's your one"

while sometimes we get all romantic and gooey, and say things like that, i don't for a second believe our lives were "meant to be"

i just think we were both in the same place romantically at the same time and were compatible,it might not be the romantic movie or story we see so often on tv, but we love one another more than any other person, and committed to one another for those reasons and more, things are not hard for us, we both have come on hard times but got through them working together, and we do that very well. but every day with him, be it happy sad or whatever else i go to bed at night see him lying there knowing we both choose to be there at this moment in time.

he's not my one, i am not his, we are two people who everyday choose to be together forsaking all others because we love one another.

Chattastrophe!

hoodwinked wrote: »

i met my husband for the 3rd time when my ex (also his friend) set us up, at that time i didn't recognize him from our previous meetings so it was not love at first sight or anything like it.

many people have told me, "it must have been fate" "he's your one"

while sometimes we get all romantic and gooey, and say things like that, i don't for a second believe our lives were "meant to be"

i just think we were both in the same place romantically at the same time and were compatible,it might not be the romantic movie or story we see so often on tv, but we love one another more than any other person, and committed to one another for those reasons and more, things are not hard for us, we both have come on hard times but got through them working together, and we do that very well. but every day with him, be it happy sad or whatever else i go to bed at night see him lying there knowing we both choose to be there at this moment in time.

he's not my one, i am not his, we are two people who everyday choose to be together forsaking all others because we love one another.

See I think this is a million times more romantic than some notion of "The One"! The fact that you're actually choosing to be together ... not leaving it to some vague notions of fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it. How boring would life be if we were all just following some pre-defined path?

Oryx

There is no 'one'. There are hundreds of people out there you could be compatible with and marry. The 'one' is the one you just happened to meet who was your match emotionally or physically. Its not fate, its luck.

And the discussion reminds me of this: 'No matter how wonderful you think s/he is, someone, somewhere, is sick of their sh*t'.

lazygal

I definitely don't believe in 'the one'. How many people met their partner in a small town or in school or on a college course or through work? What if your 'one' is living in another country or somewhere you'll never go?! I think plenty of people could have been suitable for me or my husband to settle down with. I think, from my experience, relationships tend to be easier when the two people concerned have a similar background and similar interests. That's not rocket science but i'd have found it harder work if we had little in common or different outlooks on life.
I think we were in the right place and of the right frame of mind when we met to stay together and get married and have children. But equally either of us could have met someone else and be just as happy with them.
I don't think relationships are hard work, not all the time anyway. It was a red flag for me if I felt a relationship was hard work. Of course you have ups and downs (things like family pressures due to illness or a new baby can be very stressful) but i think if you're constantly thinking 'I need to work on this' something is up.

Gongoozler

The idea of the one only comes from films, it's a ridiculous notion that just got brought into films because it suited the trend of happy endings - boy meets girl, girl has no interest in boy, something amazing happens so girl realises boy is the one for her. Happy romantic ending for everyone, and a feel good film, therefore success, and it's something everyone would like to believe because sometimes life is sh!the and having something to believe in like that makes the world not seem so sh!t.

carolinespring

I am married over 10 years. Together together over 14. As for "the one" he is my best friend, lover, the person who makes me laugh, who I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. Does that make his "the One"??? I am sure If I dated 100 guys I could find someone who would do those things and make me happy... I often use the term soul mate for him, but I mean more in a way that he gets me, really gets me and understands what makes me tick.

That was something that I noticed very fast and I fell for him quickly. How did I know he was the "the one" I remember telling someone that being with him felt like coming home. Comfortable, safe, warm, that wonderful feeling of this is your special place (or in this case person!!) I could see us grow together, face what may be ahead. Little did we know that that would be many miscarriages, family, work issues. It wasn't always easy but we found a way to pull together.

I think of "the one" to means the person you choose to spend your life with and we promised each other that if a day come that we are not happy together we will part. I am sure if that happened we would both move on and be happy with someone else. I just hope that day never happens.

IrishAlice

DM addict wrote: »

I get where you're coming from - if your relationship is hard work all the time, then you need to take a look at it.

When I say a relationship involves work, I mean that it needs time and committment and attention to be sustained. This isn't necessarily difficult - but it is, in a sense, work. If myself/partner have had long, sh*tty days and can't be bothered talking, it's work to get that conversation going. But that doesn't mean it's not worth it - we are always better when we engage with each other as opposed to keeping things to ourselves - however big/small/significant those things may be.

It should be easy to be with the person you love. But life isn't easy. We all have faced - and will face again - things that make our everyday lives hard. These things can make being in a relationship harder. That doesn't mean that you're not with the right person for you - although stressful situations can often reveal significant cracks - it just means that everything is hard, and sometimes that includes your relationship.

That said, I have known people who are trying to make their relationship perfect, and by so doing neither of the people in it are happy. But realising and admitting that to oneself can be difficult.

Thank you! You have perfectly and eloquently explained exactly what I couldn't get across myself.

iwantmydinner

carolinespring wrote: »

I am married over 10 years. Together together over 14. As for "the one" he is my best friend, lover, the person who makes me laugh, who I look forward to seeing at the end of the day. Does that make his "the One"??? I am sure If I dated 100 guys I could find someone who would do those things and make me happy... I often use the term soul mate for him, but I mean more in a way that he gets me, really gets me and understands what makes me tick.

That was something that I noticed very fast and I fell for him quickly. How did I know he was the "the one" I remember telling someone that being with him felt like coming home. Comfortable, safe, warm, that wonderful feeling of this is your special place (or in this case person!!) I could see us grow together, face what may be ahead. Little did we know that that would be many miscarriages, family, work issues. It wasn't always easy but we found a way to pull together.

I think of "the one" to means the person you choose to spend your life with and we promised each other that if a day come that we are not happy together we will part. I am sure if that happened we would both move on and be happy with someone else. I just hope that day never happens.

I'm single but this sums up my thoughts on the whole thing, based on my relationship experiences to date. Nicely put.

Neyite

carolinespring wrote: »

I remember telling someone that being with him felt like coming home. Comfortable, safe, warm, that wonderful feeling of this is your special place (or in this case person!!)

Thats how I felt too. I felt comfortable, and felt like I was home. Its like putting on the comfy slippers after a night in high heels. Or swapping tights for PJ's. I think that's how I knew this relationship was going to be important. And I'd never felt that feeling of emotional security before.

Ilyana 2.0

I don't believe in this notion of 'one soulmate for everyone', but I don't think many people realistically do. The way that others have described their idea of 'the one', as being 'home', is perfect.

My boyfriend and I have had our ups and downs, but through sheer hard work and determination, we have come out the other side. I think I realised just how good we were for each other when it dawned on me that, when we're together, all the other crap that life throws at us doesn't seem so bad. It's like we can retreat into a little bubble where everything just feels that bit happier. We can be our stupid, cranky, odd selves in a way that we couldn't be around anyone else.

I guess that's my definition of love, more so than 'the one'. Maybe we could have found that kind of happiness with other people, but by some lovely coincidence, we were able to find it with each other.

seenitall

What an interesting question/thread.

I do believe certain things were pre-destined to happen. Call it fate, or call it being preprogrammed to make certain choices in life, by your DNA, or your childhood experiences, your circumstances at the time or whatever else, or the mixture of the above.

My marriage was a perfect example of that. I was conditioned by my screwed up, abusive upbringing to choose a husband who in personality strayed not too far from the template that living with my parents set for me. In that sense, he was my 'the One'. Thankfully, the marriage didn't last long. But there was, and is, definitely a sense of destiny about it for me; while it lasted, it was as intense and high-stakes life experience as I had learned that intimate relationships are/should be, growing up. The template.

Now, after quite a few years of singledom and loads and loads of counselling I am in a new relationship, and needless to say, it doesn't remotely feel like he is 'the One'! I don't suppose it will ever feel like that again, and if it did, I'd probably be worried. He's a man who I find attractive, and nice, and verrrry hot, and who I get along with nicely and love spending time with. And I'd love for what we have to last a good-ish while, if possible. If it is not possible, that's ok, too. That's it.

I don't get the sense of 'home' that's being spoken about, that's just alien to me. I don't want to feel at home with someone. It's a redundancy. My home is myself (figuratively), my space (literally), my hard, hard-earned sense of equilibrium and peace, and my precious solitude. Himself is there to complement me and fulfill my needs in other ways, ways that home (whether real or figurative) has nothing to do with.

To paraphrase something I've read somewhere, once upon a time I overdosed on love (ahem, I know well we did love each other, in a sick and twisted kind of way...) and passion and romance. It was like an addiction.

Life is so different now, I've changed so much in recent years, I can scarcely believe it; and it was only, of course, getting into another relationship that enabled me to see just how much I've changed.

It's almost like being immunised; once you've had chickenpox, that's it, for life. You may contract all manner of other stuff, but you'll never be ill with chickenpox again.

So yes, I guess I believe in 'the One'; because I've had mine!