Only Child - Annoying Colleague

LegacyUser

I have a new colleague who is lovely but also really irritating. He's an only child and I have nothing against them but only saying this because I think it's the root of the problem. He talks incessantly and he seems to think that everyone should be interested in everything he says.

He is very demanding in the way that he constantly demands people's time and attention...if I'm not busy, I don't mind chatting to him, but today I was working on something urgent. He put some music on, which I barely paid attention to, as I was focused on my work (I can focus pretty well with distractions so I imagine it would be 10 times worse for those people who get annoyed by noise!) At the end of the song he said 'you hated that, didn't you?' I said no, it was grand. He put another song on and then when I didn't dance to it or comment on it, he said 'is it just not your kind of music?', completely disregarding the fact that I was busy with my face scrunched up against my computer screen and really not listening to it. He then said 'how can you hate it? I grew up on this stuff!' which I found pretty annoying and self-centered (who cares?)

He also thinks he knows better about just about everything and sort of talks to people as if he's teaching them without bothering to find out what they already know. He has started a beginners Italian course and was 'teaching' everyone the conjugation of a basic verb. He made a mistake with one of them so I corrected him and he said 'no, no, I'm sure I'm right'. A few of my colleagues told him he should listen to me (I speak Italian fluently and have done cookery courses over there, I don't like to boast but my level is really high) but he insisted on Googling it and then telling me I was right. Well yes, I know. He has also explained how to play the guitar to a guy who used to be a professional guitarist in a band and has been playing for 30 years.

I think the way he is has to do with being an only child and his parents hanging on to his every word and treating him like he was so special. He has never had siblings ragging on him and telling him to cop on when he acted like he knew it all, or parents who were too busy dealing with younger siblings to listen to his stories. He's really starting to bug me and he's only been here 2 weeks...what can I do?!?

Big Bag of Chips

Just tell him to shut up, you're busy!

There are loads of people like him in the world... Loads... And they're not all only children. Yes he might be used to people hanging on his every word, but he can get used to a new way now! My kids were used to me wiping their backsides until they learned I wouldn't do it anymore. You need to teach him that even if others listen to him all day, you're not going to.

Although I find people like that are fairly oblivious, so even if you don't listen he'll probably still talk!

CaraMay

I actually often find middle kids to be like that do it's not an only child thing. The is just a dose - nothing more.

liz lemoncello

If he has only been there two weeks, now is your chance, before his irritating habits are part of the workplace. If he corrects you, or acts the expert. I would just correct him back and then walk away.

As for the music, I assume it's a workplace where playing music is allowed? If you don't want an all-out ban on music, (which might arise if you make a complaint against him), I would say to him firmly, "I'm working, I can't listen to your music." and then put your own ipod on, or at least put the earbuds in.

But whatever you do, do it now.

Edit: I also don't think it has anything to do with being an only child.

the_syco

Unregistered wrote: »

if I'm not busy, I don't mind chatting to him, but today I was working on something urgent.

Chat with him less. I'm thinking he'll just get more annoying as time goes on.

Unregistered wrote: »

At the end of the song he said 'you hated that, didn't you?' I said no, it was grand. He put another song on and then when I didn't dance to it or comment on it, he said 'is it just not your kind of music?'

Seems as he was ignored, he thought he'd get a reaction from you by annoying you. Perhaps ask your manager to delegate more work to him?

Unregistered wrote: »

He's really starting to bug me and he's only been here 2 weeks...what can I do?!?

As said, nip this in the bud now, before he gets used to being a pain in the behind.

LegacyUser

OP here. Well, I put it down to him being an Only but I might be wrong. I mean no offence to Only Children, I just figured that a lot of his behaviour seems to be down to that but I could be wrong.

Without going into too much detail about what we do, we're essentially freelancers so it's a relaxed atmosphere and the boss is cool about music, chatting and whatever else as long as our core work gets done (we're not paid by the hour). So yeah, music is definitely allowed and encouraged, but most people understand that it is a workplace and that you don't put on anything too loud or distracting while others are working.

He seems to have boundary issues as well - on the first day, he sat down at my boss's desk (which the rest of us would never do - we're strictly not allowed to sit there or use that PC) and changed the music my boss had put on. I was a bit like 'who do you think you are?' I'd never do that on my first day working somewhere. He also touches people completely inappropriately (in my opinion) - he gave me a 'wet willy' today which I found gross and a total invasion of my personal space - only one other person has done it in my life and they were a close friend, and we were teenagers. He has also pinched me, which I found rude and irritating. I think he saw another colleague do that thing where you poke someone in the ribs to me and so thought it was cool for him to touch me, but that colleague was female (as am I) and we've been working together for 4 years and have built up a close friendship! Maybe this one is more about his age (early twenties) but he just doesn't seem to understand the concept of 'hierarchy' and treating people appropriately based on their age, work position and relationship.

I have acted firm and tried to ignore him as suggested and it only makes him worse and more annoying. Part of me is slightly morto because I do see some of myself in him (I'm a big talker and would have been guilty of taking up too much time in the past and chatting to people who were clearly not that interested - lesson is truly learned now!) but I think he's much worse because of the total lack of boundaries and know-it-all attitude. He makes me feel really bad when I ignore him and give him one-word answers - I know it's rude, but I feel like I have no other choice. But then he becomes even more annoying (the wet willy was a 'punishment' for ignoring something he said).

I have already had a word with my boss and the boss says he's not that bad. The problem is that he does have good qualities, like he is always ready to help other peopel and think about other people, but he's so damn annoying.

Lemming

Jesus Christ you don't live/work in Yorkshire do you? Everything you've written is a near carbon copy (minus the general touching) of someone I know; right down to the wet willy thing ...

LegacyUser

Lemming wrote: »

Jesus Christ you don't live/work in Yorkshire do you? Everything you've written is a near carbon copy (minus the general touching) of someone I know; right down to the wet willy thing ...

Haha no I don't, it must be a common thing! How did you deal with this person?

liz lemoncello

Unregistered wrote: »

... He also touches people completely inappropriately (in my opinion) - he gave me a 'wet willy' today which I found gross and a total invasion of my personal space - only one other person has done it in my life and they were a close friend, and we were teenagers. He has also pinched me, which I found rude and irritating.

He pinched you? Geezus, the boss needs to be told this

.... Part of me is slightly morto because I do see some of myself in him (I'm a big talker and would have been guilty of taking up too much time in the past and chatting to people who were clearly not that interested - lesson is truly learned now!)

A genuine question, (not being smart): how did you learn your lesson?

CaraMay

You've already been to the boss in the poor guy?!?!? You of all people should know that he is just self unaware. Have a quiet word with him rather than running to the boss and for someone so dedicated to your job you seem to be paying a lot of attention to what he does.

LegacyUser

liz lemoncello wrote: »

He pinched you? Geezus, the boss needs to be told this



A genuine question, (not being smart): how did you learn your lesson?

From seeing the way he is! I now know how annoying it is to be on the other side of it although he is WAY more annoying I'm sure!

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You've already been to the boss in the poor guy?!?!? You of all people should know that he is just self unaware. Have a quiet word with him rather than running to the boss and for someone so dedicated to your job you seem to be paying a lot of attention to what he does.

Are you kidding me? He makes it virtually impossible to work. He has pinched me. At work. He has stuck his finger in my ear. At work. I think most people would have reported him for these latter two incidents alone. I didn't go 'running to the boss', I had a quiet word and asked if he could tell your man to tone it down a bit because he has not picked up on any of my very obvious hints and not even hints, sometimes full on declarations, that I need to get on with things. It's a casual workplace and we all love banter and fun, but he is making me really uncomfortable. I don't want to sit at my desk not knowing whether he's going to pinch me, shut down my browser as a 'joke' or take a bite of my sandwich. It's work, not primary school!

dellas1979

You see, the silent treatment/short answers doesnt really solve anything, or explain anything.

Its kindof passive/agressive. The point is never made (to the other person).

Wet willies - Hows about "Can you not do that, please" (with a friendly smile).

Interrupting you - hows about "hey-I'm busy/concentrating on something, Ill call over when I'm free".

Pawwed Rig

dellas1979 wrote: »

Wet willies - Hows about "Can you not do that, please" (with a friendly smile).

Forget the friendly smile. I had to look this up on the internet. Are we really talking about a guy licking his finger and putting it in your ear? If so how about 'don't you ever put your hands near me again'. That is disgusting.

LegacyUser

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Forget the friendly smile. I had to look this up on the internet. Are we really talking about a guy licking his finger and putting it in your ear? If so how about 'don't you ever put your hands near me again'. That is disgusting.

Yes, that's what he did. I expressed disgust and he seemed to think I was really uptight. He also thought it was OK to take a bite of my sandwich and then when I told him he could have the whole thing and went upstairs to get a new one, he kept telling me that he had no illnesses and that it was grand, and did I think he was dirty or something? Like what a massive overstepping of boundaries! I do not like sharing food or drinks with even close friends and I don't think I need to explain myself to a work colleague. He has this thing where he makes you feel like the baddie for reacting like a NORMAL human being would. He is cool with sharing food and drink with anyone, as are other people in the office, but he doesn't respect that not everyone is!

Lemming

Unregistered wrote: »

Haha no I don't, it must be a common thing! How did you deal with this person?

He's got a heart of gold, but he just has an ungodly ability to wind people up something unmerciful. I myself am not immune to this and nearly rung his clock on a trip to Germany recently (as in I was spinning round to confront him and didn't know if I was going to punch him square in the face or point my finger angrily at him until my finger extended ... ).

How do I deal with his behaviour? There is no one right answer for this, but generally speaking, being told that what he's doing/saying is neither clever, funny, or winning popularity contests will work. I've forcefully had to tell him to stop doing a couple of things - and to be fair he has - ranging from an authoritive "STOP. please" to shouting at him to fvck off doing whatever it is, and on the above aforementioned occasion coming close to laying him out in the middle of a busy street but instead reading him the riot act over his behaviour.

Lemming

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes, that's what he did. I expressed disgust and he seemed to think I was really uptight. He also thought it was OK to take a bite of my sandwich and then when I told him he could have the whole thing and went upstairs to get a new one, he kept telling me that he had no illnesses and that it was grand, and did I think he was dirty or something? Like what a massive overstepping of boundaries! I do not like sharing food or drinks with even close friends and I don't think I need to explain myself to a work colleague. He has this thing where he makes you feel like the baddie for reacting like a NORMAL human being would. He is cool with sharing food and drink with anyone, as are other people in the office, but he doesn't respect that not everyone is!

From what you've just written, you need to seriously need to

1. Tell your boss about all the **** he's been doing
2. Tell your boss you've asked him to stop and he wont and it's verging on harrassment/bullying and you feel very uncomfortable
3. (optional) Read the cretin the absolute riot act, no mercy given. Preferably in front of colleagues who you get on with and agree about his behaviour so they wont react negatively. The public showing should give him pause to stop and think he's not being funny or clever and more importantly, winning friends. He also wont be able to turn to the others present and go "god what a d1ck" or whatever trying to turn it back on you like it's all your fault and nothing to do with him.

Edit: regards point three, in your case it's entirely possible the guy is just a complete w@nker in which case just leave it at 1 & 2; he'll either shape up or get the boot if your boss is in any way switched on.

Pat Mustard

I wouldn't go straight to the boss about this.

The guy sounds like an absolute tool, but I think that it would be fairer to him to confront him properly first. This guy needs a blunt talking-to.

Lemming

The Mustard wrote: »

I wouldn't go straight to the boss about this.

The guy sounds like an absolute tool, but I think that it would be fairer to him to confront him properly first. This guy needs a blunt talking-to.

Informing the boss is more an insurance policy of sorts. My experience was that a talking to would nip things in the bud, but it may be the case that this other person the OP has an issue with isn't so harmless and really is a vindictive & mean spirited person. But agreed whomever does the talking, it needs to be blunt, and it needs to be no questions or excuses entertained.

Mc Kenzie

Wow this sounds just like my colleague in work!

Its all the same only that she is a girl and excluding the wet willy thing. That is totally going over the top.

Same things apply and she is a lovely girl and can be really nice but sometimes she doesnt know where to stop. she is in her early twenties and is always talking about her life, (as if no one else has one) her college her friends. I swear I know too much about her life.

I find one thinglaughable as she was originally born in an african country untill about 7yrs, and she somehow always brings it up to anyone and everyone that she is that particular culture and makes remarks that people comment on her features. But her dads irish and Mom English. (and there white)

I was born in another country myself and moved here around the same age, but i dont bring it up really unless im asked or it comes up.

I do take the time to chat but sometimes it seems she wants everyone's attension even our managers who seem to be running out of patience.

Shes not an only child had one other sibling who wasnt around too much when she was growing up as she moved away ,,( see how i even no this)

I do really like her dont get me wrong.

I know how you feel.:rolleyes:

Semele

Do you think he might have some actual learning/mental issues? None of that sounds to me like someone just being a wanker- he sounds harmless enough but just utterly clueless about appropriate behaviour and interpersonal boundaries! Maybe your boss knows something about the guy that it wouldn't be appropriate for him/her to share with you when you aired your concerns?

Just a thought! It does sound immensely annoying, but maybe try saying, firmly but not bitchily "I don't like XYZ because...I'd rather you don't do that again" or similar. He sounds like he can't take a hint or pick up on subtleties (again, could also indicate a "condition" of some sort), so be really clear about what the offending behaviour is and what you expect of him in future. If it continues to bother you then maybe do speak to your boss again, but I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to settle in.

P.S- it's not an only child thing! As one I take great offence:P

LegacyUser

Semele wrote: »

Do you think he might have some actual learning/mental issues? None of that sounds to me like someone just being a wanker- he sounds harmless enough but just utterly clueless about appropriate behaviour and interpersonal boundaries! Maybe your boss knows something about the guy that it wouldn't be appropriate for him/her to share with you when you aired your concerns?

Just a thought! It does sound immensely annoying, but maybe try saying, firmly but not bitchily "I don't like XYZ because...I'd rather you don't do that again" or similar. He sounds like he can't take a hint or pick up on subtleties (again, could also indicate a "condition" of some sort), so be really clear about what the offending behaviour is and what you expect of him in future. If it continues to bother you then maybe do speak to your boss again, but I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to settle in.

P.S- it's not an only child thing! As one I take great offence:P

Not learning difficulties, no, he's generally quite bright, and generally has good social skills (if that makes sense?) He doesn't appear to be autistic or anything like that, just really hyperactive and OTT. I think my boss would have shared any info on him having issues as we're very close and he could have used that to defend him. I don't think there's anything wrong with the guy other than the fact he's grown up thinking he's really interesting and special, hence him saying stuff like 'how could you not like this music? I grew up on it', as if I care what kind of music one of my colleagues grew up on, or as if I 'should' like it just because he does. I don't mean to be rude about only children - as I know many who are NOT like this - I just thought it was relevant because his behaviour to me indicates someone who has been pandered to a lot and never told to be quiet and possibly someone who has been brought up to believe they're really clever - he goes on a lot about his education and talents but he doesn't seem to realise that we all have very good degrees and certs and interesting hobbies. He doesn't know that because he never asks, you know?

Midnight Sundance

I honestly don't think any of the people who are saying "give him a chance" and "don't tell the boss" would put up with the behaviour he's displaying for a nano second.
Am I correct in thinking that a workplace is a place of work? That the people working alongside you are colleagues and they deserve to be treated with respect?
Sticking your manky finger into someone's ear, pinching them, even touching them is completely overstepping the boundary. Taking their lunch shows absolute disrespect and you should be looking at your work policies regarding harassment and documenting these incidents. Minor as they are now, if they continue, they could grow into a genuine case.
Your boss sounds incompetent by the way if he told you to brush these incidents aside.
Honestly I'd be highly offended if anyone I worked with did even one of these things to me.
I also agree with posters who say you should stand your ground and nip this in the bud. Firmly but politely remind him that it is a place of employment that you are in and not a playground.
He obviously has not enough to be doing if he's playing with iPods and annoying others around him. I'd start handing him something to do every time he starts.
He won't be long about scadaddling off to annoy someone else!!

Digital Society

Jesus Christ. This lad puts his finger in the OPs ear while hes working. Seriously what the hell?

People think he may have something wrong with him.

Hes as bent as a 12 bob note! And i dont mean Gay although the finger thing im not too sure.

I work with an only child whos 35, single and constantly lectures people all day about how he can afford to buy anything and that hes pretty much the best at everything. I just ignore it, laugh it off and put it down to the fact that he probably hasnt been laid in years if ever.

If he ever put his finger in my ear i would break his jaw. I would tell him staright up, hes a dirty disgusting pig and dont come near me again.

Stavro Mueller

Part of your problem here is that you're allowing your own past behaviour to colour how you're dealing with this guy. From what you're describing, his talkative ways are the least of your worries.

As I read down through this I couldn't help but wonder why you let him do all these things. You have been way too passive to date. Also, as the others have rightly pointed out, trying the subtle hint approach isn't going to work. You are going to have to be very direct and blunt with him from now on. This needs to be nipped in the bud right now.

Next time he does something moronic, take him aside into another room and have a word with him. He needs to be told politely but firmly that it's not ok to to be sticking your finger in someone else's ear, pinching them, closing down their browser etc. He needs to be pulled up each and every time he does something out of line and told exactly what he's doing wrong. I don't know where your manager lies in all of this but it might be worth warning him that he he keeps this sort of behaviour up, you'll be making a complaint. Perhaps toss in the word harassment and see how he digests that. It's only if he realises that you're serious and mean business that he'll leave you alone.

LegacyUser

He sounds like a girl I used to work with. The boss loved her as she was so "bubbly", he didn't have to share an office with her though, in reality she was the most attention seeking person I've ever met in my life, completely self absorbed. She'd also get very confrontational if you gave her short answers when busy, did I do something wrong? Etc...she also used her "bubbly" personality to hide her absolute laziness.

Personally I'd say this guy knows exactly what he's doing, he's literally just attention seeking, I'd nip this in the bud and tell him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is inappropriate and borderline harrasment (wet willy is disgusting and beyond inappropriate ) and if he doesn't stop you'll be forced to report him.

Merkin

You haven't really seemed to have confronted this issue head on and until such time as you really take him to task it will continue and escalate. The personal touching or taking a bite of my sandwich would genuinely have caused me to see red and I don't know why you didn't just humiliate him there and then in front of everyone before making an official complaint. His behaviour is only going to get worse and that's down to the very simple fact that you're letting it happen. Leave him in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate one more instance of fcukwittedness from him and stop being so tolerant.

Dacelonid

I can't understand why people are telling the OP to deal with the issue. The correct thing to do is inform your boss. If the OP doesn't follow whatever procedures are in place in her work for dealing with harassment in the workplace, she could find herself in trouble.
This is not something you should have to put up with OP. This idiot is making your workplace a horrible place to be and you need your boss to do something about it

CaraMay

Op you are pretty clueless yourself tbh with your comments on only children and people with autism. Just because people are on the autism spectrum doesn't mean there is something wrong with them!!!

You are an adult do talk to him before skittling off to the boss. How did your colleagues handle you when you were doing the same to them when you were younger?

Faith

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you are pretty clueless yourself tbh with your comments on only children and people with autism. Just because people are on the autism spectrum doesn't mean there is something wrong with them!!!

You are an adult do talk to him before skittling off to the boss. How did your colleagues handle you when you were doing the same to them when you were younger?

Where was it said that the OP ever did the same thing?

K_P

Merkin wrote: »

You haven't really seemed to have confronted this issue head on and until such time as you really take him to task it will continue and escalate. The personal touching or taking a bite of my sandwich would genuinely have caused me to see red and I don't know why you didn't just humiliate him there and then in front of everyone before making an official complaint. His behaviour is only going to get worse and that's down to the very simple fact that you're letting it happen. Leave him in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate one more instance of fcukwittedness from him and stop being so tolerant.

100% agree with this. I actually can't believe some of the things you've said he's done. And this is after 2 WEEKS?!?! Nip it in the bud now before he gets too settled and thinks he runs the place.

The softly softly "would you mind not sticking your wet finger in my ear, I'm trying to work" or "in future, could you please not take a bite out of my sandwich" absolutely will not work with someone like this. You need to be as loud and blunt and as obnoxious to him as he is being to you as it's clearly the only language he understands. Failing that, go to your boss again with a list of the things he's done.

What do your other colleagues make of his behaviour?

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

He doesn't appear to be autistic or anything like that, just really hyperactive and OTT. I think my boss would have shared any info on him having issues as we're very close and he could have used that to defend him.

Your boss would have zero place telling you someone's private information even if it's as a defence like this so it's possible he's just being a good boss.

Stop doing softly softly with the guy, be clear and firm that it's not okay and stop letting him away with it. Have another formal word with the boss if that doesn't work.

CaraMay

Unregistered wrote: »

. Part of me is slightly morto because I do see some of myself in him (I'm a big talker and would have been guilty of taking up too much time in the past and chatting to people who were clearly not that interested - lesson is truly learned now

Here Faith

Lemming

cymbaline wrote: »

Next time he does something moronic, take him aside into another room and have a word with him. He needs to be told politely but firmly that it's not ok to to be sticking your finger in someone else's ear, pinching them, closing down their browser etc. He needs to be pulled up each and every time he does something out of line and told exactly what he's doing wrong.

No taking him aside privately or softly, softly, ever so polite & sweetly. After two weeks of being passive, you need to be as brutally blunt as possible in reading him the riot act in full public view to show his behaviour up. He will not like it and will be twice shy about doing it again in a hurry.

ash23

OP I wonder if this is his first "proper" job. I ask because I know that there were places I worked in college where immature practical jokes and innuendo were par for the course and just a total part of the culture of the place.

In my opinion things like working in a supermarket or a bar tend to have a much more relaxed attitude around "shennanigans" like that. Now I'd balk at the idea of someone behaving that way and honestly some of the stuff that went on could have you up in court when I think about it!

For example, it was the service industry so we wore chefs coats, button up ones. And the guys would pull them open so you learned quite quickly to wear a vest underneath. I was picked up and put into a box full of ice chippings or had them shoved down my back. I was in the underground cellar and coming up the ladder and one of the lads stood at the top of the ladder, held my head and said "while you're down there give me a quick one". These are men who went on to become engineers and accountants and IT specialists so it wasn't a that these weren't intelligent or that they had problems....they were just young lads acting the eejit in a place where acting the eejit was allowed.

Stupid juvenile stuff which I laughed at back then because that was the norm. Now ten plus years later if someone did that in the office I'd be gobsmacked.

Just pull him aside and tell him to tone it down and that kind of behaviour isn't really par for the course in this office. Say it like you're on his side, trying not to get him into trouble. But at the same time be clear that his behaviour is annoying people and might land him in a bit of bother.

ManOfMystery

The very first time someone like that tried to stick their wet finger in my ear, they'd probably end up with a broken finger if not worse. I would tolerate it from family or friends joking around, not an uptight and irritating work colleague. I agree that you should forget the softly softly approach, guys like this are totally oblivious to the art of hinting and need things spelt out in big letters.

LegacyUser

OP I cannot stress enough how important it is to be really blunt with this chap.

Seriously. It's crucial. Because he sounds like one of those people who dont take hints very well or else the will actually be worse after you confront them (kindly/softly)

It happens in my job all the time. Not the same as your situation but sexual harassment, inappropriate touching, sexual comments that would make your skin crawl.

Rather than go to the managers (I had previously to discuss and they said it was only "lads banter" seriously)
I decided to be a bit of a bitch and be verrrrrry outstraight and blunt.

Since then, most of the men run from me now. It might not be ideal but hey, they dont do any of that crap anymore woohoo

So be very firm with this guy. If he doesnt get the point. Make a complaint to your boss.

liz lemoncello

ash23 wrote: »

....it was the service industry so we wore chefs coats, button up ones. And the guys would pull them open so you learned quite quickly to wear a vest underneath. I was picked up and put into a box full of ice chippings or had them shoved down my back. I was in the underground cellar and coming up the ladder and one of the lads stood at the top of the ladder, held my head and said "while you're down there give me a quick one". These are men who went on to become engineers and accountants and IT specialists so it wasn't a that these weren't intelligent or that they had problems....they were just young lads acting the eejit in a place where acting the eejit was allowed.

Geez. It sounds more like they were acting like this because sexual harassment was allowed.

MTA: As for the OP's co-worker, his kind of behaviour would be unacceptable in a five year in school.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you are pretty clueless yourself tbh with your comments on only children and people with autism. Just because people are on the autism spectrum doesn't mean there is something wrong with them!!!

You are an adult do talk to him before skittling off to the boss. How did your colleagues handle you when you were doing the same to them when you were younger?

I was responding to a comment made by another poster about him maybe having something 'wrong' with him..this is simply a turn of phrase to describe someone with some sort of *disorder*, which is what autism is. I don't need you to lecture me about autism, my younger brother is autistic, so I'm pretty far from clueless.

I did talk to him before I mentioned it to the boss. Many times. He never takes me seriously. He just tries to justify that what he did was OK, it's like he is absolutely incapable of understanding that someone else might be deeply offended by something he thinks is OK, and he seems to think everything is OK. I was particularly disgusted when he gave the the 'wet willy' and he totally turned it around to how uptight I am and how he was just having a bit of fun and basically tried to make me feel like a bad person for shouting at him.

AND I never once said I did the same as him. I said I think I may have had the habit of sometimes talking to people who weren't always in the mood to chat. As in for a few minutes. Not ALL DAY. I'm not sure where I said that I stuck my wet finger in someone's ear, or pinched a colleague, or took a bite of my colleague's sandwich without asking, or sat at my boss's desk, logged into his PC and changed the music.

LegacyUser

K_P wrote: »

100% agree with this. I actually can't believe some of the things you've said he's done. And this is after 2 WEEKS?!?! Nip it in the bud now before he gets too settled and thinks he runs the place.

The softly softly "would you mind not sticking your wet finger in my ear, I'm trying to work" or "in future, could you please not take a bite out of my sandwich" absolutely will not work with someone like this. You need to be as loud and blunt and as obnoxious to him as he is being to you as it's clearly the only language he understands. Failing that, go to your boss again with a list of the things he's done.

What do your other colleagues make of his behaviour?

Yes, just 2 weeks. He already thinks he runs the place and has acted like that from Day One when he sat in the boss's chair and changed the music.

Maybe it hasnt come across here but I really haven't been all 'softly softly' at all. I have been blunt and downright rude and he still hasnt got the message. When he stuck his finger in my ear, I told him it was revolting and not to touch me again and he thought it was all a big joke. I honestly think he thinks he can do this because I'm fairly young and very petite - we have colleagues who are 6 foot tall big men and I havent seen him pinching them.

No one else minds him as much as I do but they arent on the receiving end as as much as I am, as I spend far more time in the staff room. He also has a knack for making himself look like the victim, so when I shouted at him re the ear thing, our colleagues felt sorry for him. He just has a knack for coming across all friendly and kind and people overlook his obnoxiousness. My boss told me he finds him irritating as well but as far as he can see, he hasnt done anything 'wrong' which would warrant a talking to, which I disagree with. I suppose it doesnt help that it would be quite a casual workplace, not quite as much as ash23's old workplace, but there would be a lot of banter and innuendo and clowning around...the thing is that the dynamic has been established over time, you know? I don't mind my female colleague I've known for 4 years and who I often see outside work poking me in the ribs, but that's totally different to a brand new male colleague thinking it's OK to pinch me. It's like he sees other people doing stuff and thinks it's OK to do the same without considering the different dynamics and relationships.

So yeah I am being blunt and the issue is now that I think other colleagues are thinking I'm being mean and hurting his feelings

Stavro Mueller

What I would do next is compile a log of all these incidents. Dates/times/what happened. Present them to your manager and make a formal complaint. From what I can see, your manger's washing his hands of the situation. I don't suppose there's a HR or anyone else you can go to? Also, be prepared to be the bad guy here. You're between a rock and a hard place. Either you put up with this idiot or you take action and risk being unpopular with your colleagues who like him

DoozerT6

It honestly sounds to me like he has some social issues. He may genuinely have trouble reading social cues and adopting acceptable behaviour. Is there any way you can find out if he has behaved this way in other places of employment, even if they were only school holiday jobs? If he has always been this way and other bosses or workmates have spoken to him about it, then he may indeed need some sort of counselling, or an 'appropriate workplace behaviour course' (if such a thing exists?).

Your colleagues may see it as just playacting, but I bet he'll piss them off eventually too. One thing though, DON'T confront him as a group, I guess he could report you all for harassment if he felt 'victimised' or 'threatened' no matter how offensive or annoying/unprofessional his behaviour leading up to it may have been.

Try and pull one or two of your more trusted colleagues aside and explain to them the reality of this situation and how uncomfortable his behaviour makes you feel. If they've known you a long time, to see you approach them seriously about this might make them more sympathetic. Maybe spend less time in the staff room? Basically, try to be wherever he is not!

CaraMay

I would think he just doesn't take you seriously. It's interesting that the other staff and your manager are taking his 'side' in all of this.

tinkerbell

CaraMay wrote: »

I would think he just doesn't take you seriously. It's interesting that the other staff and your manager are taking his 'side' in all of this.

Interesting in what way? This guy is a complete weirdo and I would not tolerate it for one more minute. If the other staff and manager are taking his side, then they are also a bunch of weirdos who think that acting in this way is perfectly normal. It is not.

OP, that is seriously fecked up that he stuck a wet finger in your ear - like WTF? That is just vile, disgusting and is harassment. And then he pinches you? Again, harassment. And then he takes your sandwich and eats it? Again, harassment. WTF is his problem? Honestly, if it were me I'd have lost the rag at him after the first incident if he had pinched me but holy crap World War 3 would've broken out if he'd given me a wet willy and I'm sure most of the entire population would think that giving a work colleague a wet willy is just sick and vulgar.

This has nothing to do with the fact that he is an only child, it's that he's gross and inappropriate and shouldn't be in a professional environment if that is how he behaves. I would document all these incidents at once and make a complaint to your manager and let him deal with him. You've already tried talking to this idiot, it's not working. Also, just don't engage with him anymore. If he's constantly talking and interrupting you, tell him to STFU (well, obviously not as blunt as that but just say you're really busy and can't talk). I would also mention to your manager that he is really impacting on your workload because you can't concentrate when he's constantly annoying you.

K_P

CaraMay wrote: »

I would think he just doesn't take you seriously. It's interesting that the other staff and your manager are taking his 'side' in all of this.

"Interesting" how? It seems to me like a fairly standard case of a manager shirking the responsibility of dealing wIth a difficult and inappropriate employee.

OP, if you've already been blunt with him and it's had no effect then go to your manager again with a list of all the disgusting things he's done. Have dates, times and be very clear that you're making a formal complaint. To be honest some of the things you mentioned about him insisting you comment on whatever music he played or his over-confidence in his incorrect Italian, while douchey and annoying, are probably not something you can go to a manager over.

However, the wet willy, pinching, taking bites out of your lunch are disgusting, invasive and, to me, things a manager should be taking very seriously indeed as they point to a complete lack of understanding around boundaries, personal space and appropriateness. I'd also be making a point of how he's physically inappropriate with you, a petite woman, and not the 6 foot guys who'd probably knock him to the ground if he went near them. These things demonstrate SUCH a misreading of social cues and boundaries that I'd honestly be worried what it would escalate to.

CaraMay

Interesting in that the people she has worked with for longer than 2 weeks are not paying any heed to her. I just suspect that you like to create trouble op and people are wise to you. Your responses to me have been pretty arrogant when I have simply been responding on the basis of the words contained in your posts. You don't want responses that don't agree with your viewpoint and you obviously fail to put any weight into the fact that none of your colleagues agree with you about this guy.

MagicMarker

TBH OP, it sounds to me like he has a bit of a crush on you.

LynnGrace

K_P wrote: »

"Interesting" how? It seems to me like a fairly standard case of a manager shirking the responsibility of dealing wIth a difficult and inappropriate employee.

OP, if you've already been blunt with him and it's had no effect then go to your manager again with a list of all the disgusting things he's done. Have dates, times and be very clear that you're making a formal complaint. To be honest some of the things you mentioned about him insisting you comment on whatever music he played or his over-confidence in his incorrect Italian, while douchey and annoying, are probably not something you can go to a manager over.

However, the wet willy, pinching, taking bites out of your lunch are disgusting, invasive and, to me, things a manager should be taking very seriously indeed as they point to a complete lack of understanding around boundaries, personal space and appropriateness. I'd also be making a point of how he's physically inappropriate with you, a petite woman, and not the 6 foot guys who'd probably knock him to the ground if he went near them. These things demonstrate SUCH a misreading of social cues and boundaries that I'd honestly be worried what it would escalate to.

I'd second this. I'm aware of a case where so-called messing/ slagging, whatever it may have been originally dismissed as, became very serious indeed.

Emme

Could this guy have Aspergers?

ivytwine

CaraMay wrote: »

Interesting in that the people she has worked with for longer than 2 weeks are not paying any heed to her. I just suspect that you like to create trouble op and people are wise to you. Your responses to me have been pretty arrogant when I have simply been responding on the basis of the words contained in your posts. You don't want responses that don't agree with your viewpoint and you obviously fail to put any weight into the fact that none of your colleagues agree with you about this guy.

I would imagine that some of them probably do agree, it's just too much hassle for them to do anything about. OP does mention the others are annoyed by him.

OP please do not tolerate anymore **** from this guy. I work in a pretty much all-male environment, and we have the banter and the laugh and the place is informal, but I have never been touched in anyway by my co-workers or had my sandwich bitten into or any of the crap you describe. I too am a petite girl and I know I would not feel comfortable with his actions. I think it might be time to go to your manager again, trying to deal with it yourself is not working.

PS I'm an only child and overtalkative (much more so when I was younger) and sometimes I didn't pick up I was annoying people. I never acted like that tho, it's beyond the pale.

Vojera

Emme wrote: »

Could this guy have Aspergers?

Even if he does, the manager can't disclose it and it doesn't mean that that sort of behaviour can just go unchecked.

That wet willy thing, I just can't get over it. I wouldn't tolerate it from my closest friends, let alone a work colleague. My skin is crawling just thinking about it. No matter what this guy says in his defence, it IS a big deal and it is NOT acceptable.

I'd strongly recommend keeping a diary, OP, along with noting when you've asked him to stop. It'll be much harder for your manager to fob you off when it's all written down.