All Time Best 'The Onion' Headlines

banquo

I've been a huge fan of The Onion since 1998 when my dad introduced me to it. It's just so good.

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Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy; 'No,' Says God

Supreme Court Overturns Car

Winner didn't even know it was a pie eating contest

Edit: m0ar:

Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician

Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born to Save

White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy

Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving

Everyone At Airport Delighted By Chubby Family Rapidly Waddling Toward Gate

New Dog Digs Up Old Dog

Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be ****ing Delusional

Everyone Glad Someone Else Making Small Talk With Disabled Woman

kneemos

Where do I subscribe?

AnonoBoy

kneemos wrote: »

Where do I subscribe?

www.theonion.com

yermandan

Ah it's just a poor man's Waterford Whispers News :-)

Banjo String

Winner didn't even know it was a pie eating contest

That's true though. I didn't.

banquo

School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested

Area 5-Year-Old Has To Go To The Doctor For Her Buh-gina

Wheelchair-Basketball Players Stunned By Thunderous Slam Dunk

=== Joe Biden, the greatest gift to the onion ===

Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87

Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

White House Infested With Bed Bugs After Biden Brings In Recliner Off The Curb

April 1st: White House Staff Living In Fear Of Biden

Alun

This is my favourite. I can't find it any more on the website itself but has been saved elsewhere.

Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

http://www.ling.upenn.edu/~beatrice/humor/clinton-deploys-vowels.html

banquo

Yes! and "Very Special" forces to Iraq as part of Operation: Good Job.

The Onion is brilliant but I hate how it has a paywall. Five articles a month without subscribing is bollocks. :mad:

Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate (from the time of the Todd Akin controversy)

Mariana Trench Once Again Named Worst Place To Raise Child

Man Finally Put In Charge Of Struggling Feminist Movement

danniemcq

McGruff The Crime Dog gets 16 years for having 1,000 pot plants and a grenade launcher

Screening of Noah Cancelled After Theater Floods

Disabled Boy Records Bullies Tormenting Him, Police Charge Him With Illegal Wiretapping

Wife Dies, Husband Wins Lottery Next Day

Man buys penis enlarger, gets magnifying glass instead

Angered By The NSA, But Confused By Acronyms, Brazilian Hacker Defaces NASA Websites

Maths teacher threatens Game of Thrones spoilers instead of detention for naughty students

Pope Francis Says He Would Definitely Baptize Aliens If They Asked Him To

Detroit goes 'murder free' for 36 hours

Wait ....

Are we doing fake headlines?

take everything

Genuinely laughing out loud at work at some of those.
Love The Onion.

AnonoBoy

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My C*ck?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock,11150/

Legs.Eleven

I don't use this phrase lightly but it's absolute genius. Genuinely. Some funny fookers who work over there. I'll dig out a few of me faves later after my nap.

jimgoose

banquo wrote: »

Yes! and "Very Special" forces to Iraq as part of Operation: Good Job.

Bassid! I was going to post that! :pac::pac::pac:

RikkFlair

yermandan wrote: »

Ah it's just a poor man's Waterford Whispers News :-)

I don't know what's funnier, headlines like "Supermacs Receives Its First Michelin Star", or people commenting underneath articles who don't cop that its a satirical site.

Muise...

They brought out a book of historical news items in 99/00: "Our Dumb Century"

headlines I remember without consulting it:

World's Largest Metaphor Hits Iceberg

William Burroughs Shoots Heroin, Wife

Holy Sh1t! Man Walks On Moon!

US Troops Pull Out Of Vietnamese Peasant Girl

Michael Jackson Undergoes Complete Blackendectomy

Maximus Alexander

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I don't use this phrase lightly but it's absolute genius. Genuinely. Some funny fookers who work over there. I'll dig out a few of me faves later after my nap.

Seriously? At 10am? On a Thursday?

I hate you. :P

osarusan

Best one I've ever seen was this one - it reminds me a lot of the 'debates' on certain issues we see in AH.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-already-knows-everything-he-needs-to-know-abou,17990/

Man Already Knows Everything He Needs To Know About Muslims

Local man Scott Gentries told reporters Wednesday that his deliberately limited grasp of Islamic history and culture was still more than sufficient to shape his views of the entire Muslim world.

Gentries, 48, said he had absolutely no interest in exposing himself to further knowledge of Islamic civilization or putting his sweeping opinions into a broader context of any kind, and confirmed he was "perfectly happy" to make a handful of emotionally charged words the basis of his mistrust toward all members of the world's second-largest religion.

"I learned all that really matters about the Muslim faith on 9/11," Gentries said in reference to the terrorist attacks on the United States undertaken by 19 of Islam's approximately 1.6 billion practitioners. "What more do I need to know to stigmatize Muslims everywhere as inherently violent radicals?"

GCU Flexible Demeanour

Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling

Elessar

I love the onion - if you're on Facebook, like their page and you get multiple daily headlines from them. Makes me laugh every single day.

The Backwards Man

Am i the only one that doesn't find it remotely funny?

A cross between a crackpot American tabloid and a crappy contrived American sitcom, I get more laughs from rabies than the Onion.

FouxDaFaFa

I like their silly headlines but the thing I really like about The Onion is how they react to serious, real-life events.

They were one of very few media outlets to take September 11th by the balls and react to it with humour.

I also like their reaction to the Newtown shooting.

e_e

****ing Loser At Movie All By Himself

e_e

Some funny as hell videos too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqBLBqM7B4Q

the_monkey

Daily Mash is good too ..

I Heart Internet

http://www.theonion.com/articles/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this,36131/

No Way to Prevent This - says only nation where this regularly happens.

(On school/college/random mass shootings in the US)

the_monkey

Bush finds error in Fermilab calculations...

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-finds-error-in-fermilab-calculations,1463/

Welsh Megaman

Meh.

Not a patch on Smokehammer, Armando Iannucci and Chris Morris's news site.

pickarooney

The headlines are funny but the aticles never are; they just drag out the initial gag until it dies.

catallus

"Man who used metal stick to poke small ball into hole in ground praised for bravery" about Tiger Woods.

"Americans asked to be on the lookout for man asking for change." about Obama

I love their horoscopes, they're hysterical.

Karl Stein

DNA evidence frees Black man convicted of bear attack.