Good Fair or Downright rubbish your views please

lulu1

A new puppy

I've always wanted a dog, ever since I was one I think. I'm ten now so yes I must have been one cause I wanted dog for ages. But Mum and Dad always found a reason why we shouldnt get a dog. "Your much too young" said mum "I agree" said Dad "you will have to wait until your a bit older." So I waited a whole 2 weeks and asked again. Emily said daddy I told you you would have to wait until you are a it older. But I am older I cried I'm a whole 2 weeks older, Daddy looked at me and said nothing so I decided it would be best to keep quiet

Oryx

It's too short.

You also need to work on your grammar and punctuation.

lulu1

Oryx wrote: »

It's too short.

You also need to work on your grammar and punctuation.

I only put up a small piece oh yes I know I defo need to use more punctuation. You mentioned grammar I am writing this through the eyes of a child and I am talking the way my own child would talk. Thanks alot for reply

Oryx

lulu1 wrote: »

I only put up a small piece oh yes I know I defo need to use more punctuation. You mentioned grammar I am writing this through the eyes of a child and I am talking the way my own child would talk. Thanks alot for reply

You still need accurate punctuation and grammar even if writing with the voice of a child as poor writing is irritating to the reader and makes your piece seem unfinished.

echo beach

I don't agree that it is too short. It conveys perfectly the disconnect between how adults and children view time.
However even a 10 year old should know that direct speech requires quotation marks and they, together with correct punctuation, would make the piece much easier to read and allow readers to appreciate all that is good in it.

Oryx

I do hear that lovely simplicity within it, and its a lovely setup, I'd just love a longer piece with more story. Its over before it's begun!

echo beach

Oryx wrote: »

Its over before it's begun!

A bit like childhood really. By the time the parents think she is old enough to have a puppy she will want a boyfriend!

lulu1

Oryx wrote: »

I do hear that lovely simplicity within it, and its a lovely setup, I'd just love a longer piece with more story. Its over before it's begun!

I will put up another bit to see what you think. Please dont worry too much about speech marks here i know there were plenty left out, but I really think the grammar should stay as it is

Oryx

lulu1 wrote: »

I will put up another bit to see what you think. Please dont worry too much about speech marks here i know there were plenty left out, but I really think the grammar should stay as it is

Maybe change the your to you're where appropriate..

lulu1

A new Puppy

Days weeks months and years passed and still no puppy. I decided as it was coming up to Christmas it would do no harm too ask again." Mum" I said "do you think there would be any chance of getting a puppy for Christmas?" "No" said mummy "Winter is not a good time to get a puppy because it is much too cold" I was so disapointed, I really thought she might have said yes this time. I felt a big tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away as quickly as I could but not quickly enough. Mammy put her arms around me and hugged me tight. I cried and cried. My heart was broken. "Emily" mum said smiling "if you don't stop crying you will flood the house and the fire brigade will have to come and rescue us" I had to laugh at the thought of the fireman throwing mammy over his shoulder and carrying her out of the house. I hugged mammy tighter I knew she was right about the puppy because daddy says mammy is always right even when she's wrong. How you can be right even when you're wrong is a complete mystery to me. Daddy says some of the silliest things.

echo beach

Very vivid. With good illustrations it might make a nice picture book.

lulu1

echo beach wrote: »

Very vivid. With good illustrations it might make a nice picture book.

Hi Yes that what I am aiming for. A small children's book 'with nice simple pictures, not too long as I think that sometimes children can get board if the story goes on and on. I have the story finished and it is on six and a half a4 pages:)

Fortheloveosod

I think it's lovely. It's child-like enough to convey that, but not enough to be perfectly authentic, and for that reason I suggest revising the intentional grammatical mistakes. They seem like a gimmick if the rest isn't absolutely perfectly child-like. In addition, if it's intended for children, you certainly don't need to be teaching them to conflate 'your' and 'you're'.
But that apart, it's perfect. I don't believe it needs revising beyond the spelling and punctuation. The words as you've chosen them are all wonderful and you can't help but smile reading it.

lulu1

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

I think it's lovely. It's child-like enough to convey that, but not enough to be perfectly authentic, and for that reason I suggest revising the intentional grammatical mistakes. They seem like a gimmick if the rest isn't absolutely perfectly child-like. In addition, if it's intended for children, you certainly don't need to be teaching them to conflate 'your' and 'you're'.
But that apart, it's perfect. I don't believe it needs revising beyond the spelling and punctuation. The words as you've chosen them are all wonderful and you can't help but smile reading it.

Thanks so much for your feedback the question is now where do I go from here I havent a clue

coffee_cake

lulu1 wrote: »

A new Puppy

Days, weeks, months and years passed, and still no puppy. I decided as it was coming up to Christmas, it would do no harm to ask again.
"Mum," I said, "do you think there would be any chance of getting a puppy for Christmas?"
"No," said mummy. "Winter is not a good time to get a puppy because it is much too cold." I was so disappointed; I really thought she might have said yes this time. I felt a big tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away as quickly as I could but not quickly enough. Mammy put her arms around me and hugged me tight. I cried and cried. My heart was broken. "Emily," Mum said smiling, "if you don't stop crying, you will flood the house and the fire brigade will have to come and rescue us." I had to laugh at the thought of the fireman throwing mammy over his shoulder and carrying her out of the house. I hugged mammy tighter. I knew she was right about the puppy because daddy says mammy is always right even when she's wrong. How you can be right even when you're wrong is a complete mystery to me. Daddy says some of the silliest things.

Much better than the first one. Changes in bold to spelling and grammar. Commas and full stops are your friend, use them

Judgement Day

Is it mum, mummy or mammy though?

lulu1

Judgement Day wrote: »

Is it mum, mummy or mammy though?

All three when your a child

Thanks for looking

Fortheloveosod

Sorry, just noticed, Lulu, you did that your/you're thing.
You're = you are.
'Your' is a thing that is yours.

Not trying to be disrespectful at-all, just trying to help.

partnership

Hi Lulu1

I would echo what the others have said re grammar and punctuation even in children's books it needs to be correct. Have a look at what is out there and you will see that. Also the mum, mummy and mammy - you need to settle on just using the one in the story.
With regard to the story it is simple and definitely talks as a child would. I like the idea of time - being older is two weeks in a child's eyes. Maybe give another example of an excuse in between because I doubt if it was dropped for all that time - something simple like over the next few years every time you asked it would be this that or the other.
In terms of where you go with it you need to decide on who your target is, is it a particular age group, is it a picture book as suggested? Then go out and look at other books in that line and see what they have done, look to see who publishes that type of book. Keep an eye out for competitions - there was a children's competition in the RTE guide in April, it will probably be April 2015 again. If you google children's writing competitions you will get plenty of information.
Keep writing, take on board any feedback you get (that can be the hardest part as no one likes to change what they have written). My attitude is that I could write ten pages and if all I get is one decent paragraph that is good!
The best of luck with it.

MagicMarker

I would have thought purposely using bad grammar to convey the voice of a child would be totally pointless when the book itself is aimed at children. The omission of a punctuation here and there would be completely lost on them.

lulu1

MagicMarker wrote: »

I would have thought purposely using bad grammar to convey the voice of a child would be totally pointless when the book itself is aimed at children. The omission of a punctuation here and there would be completely lost on them.

Hi thanks for you comments what is your opinion of the story itself would you think it would suit say 5- 10 age bracket

dee_mc

I think that's a really sweet story!
I agree with others re fixing the punctuation - I don't know if anyone else remembers 'Pudsey's Page' in the Far East religious magazine (blast from the past!) but it was a short monthly piece written from the point of view of a +/- 10 year old boy, and as such was written phonetically and riddled with punctuation errors ('Tiday eye whent ta de optishun te get mi i's chekked - de optishun toalt mi eye'd haf te get glassis')... I presume it was supposed to be funny or cute, but to me, even as a child, it was just a bit grating and pointless.
Parents who want to read to their children, or who want to encourage their child to read, will probably find deliberately poor punctuation off-putting, as it could result in 'mixed messages' and confusion for a child still in the process of learning the language. That's my take on it, anyway.
The storyline itself is adorable, and I love the musings of the narrator re Mammy always being right etc.
I'd also agree with the poster who suggested sticking to just one title for the Mother character - I'd be ok with having her referred to as both 'Mam' and 'Mammy' depending on the occasion/mood of the child, but any more titles than that is just a bit confusing.
I'd love this as a picture book - I can just see it laid out, a paragraph per page, with gorgeous colourful illustrations
Good on you, I like where you're going with this!
Edit to say, I'd put it at the lower end of the 5-10 age group.

lulu1

dee_mc wrote: »

I think that's a really sweet story!
I agree with others re fixing the punctuation - I don't know if anyone else remembers 'Pudsey's Page' in the Far East religious magazine (blast from the past!) but it was a short monthly piece written from the point of view of a +/- 10 year old boy, and as such was written phonetically and riddled with punctuation errors ('Tiday eye whent ta de optishun te get mi i's chekked - de optishun toalt mi eye'd haf te get glassis')... I presume it was supposed to be funny or cute, but to me, even as a child, it was just a bit grating and pointless.
Parents who want to read to their children, or who want to encourage their child to read, will probably find deliberately poor punctuation off-putting, as it could result in 'mixed messages' and confusion for a child still in the process of learning the language. That's my take on it, anyway.
The storyline itself is adorable, and I love the musings of the narrator re Mammy always being right etc.
I'd also agree with the poster who suggested sticking to just one title for the Mother character - I'd be ok with having her referred to as both 'Mam' and 'Mammy' depending on the occasion/mood of the child, but any more titles than that is just a bit confusing.
I'd love this as a picture book - I can just see it laid out, a paragraph per page, with gorgeous colourful illustrations
Good on you, I like where you're going with this!
Edit to say, I'd put it at the lower end of the 5-10 age group.

I am over the moon that you like it Yes I am intending it to be a small colorful childrens book.If anything ever comes of this book I intend the profit will go to a charity that lies very close to my heart. I will not bother you with the rest. Thanks alot

dee_mc

lulu1 wrote: »

I am over the moon that you like it Yes I am intending it to be a small colorful childrens book.If anything ever comes of this book I intend the profit will go to a charity that lies very close to my heart. I will not bother you with the rest. Thanks alot

Best of luck with it, and what a lovely gesture to have the profits go to charity! Let us know if and when it's published, I'd certainly buy a copy and direct others towards it

lulu1

dee_mc wrote: »

Best of luck with it, and what a lovely gesture to have the profits go to charity! Let us know if and when it's published, I'd certainly buy a copy and direct others towards it

Thanks alot You have just spurned me on to get moving and do something with it.

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

A new puppy

I've always wanted a dog, ever since I was one I think. I'm ten now so yes I must have been one cause I wanted dog for ages. But Mum and Dad always found a reason why we shouldnt get a dog. "Your much too young" said mum "I agree" said Dad "you will have to wait until your a bit older." So I waited a whole 2 weeks and asked again. Emily said daddy I told you you would have to wait until you are a it older. But I am older I cried I'm a whole 2 weeks older, Daddy looked at me and said nothing so I decided it would be best to keep quiet

I like it. It's really good. Love how it conveys the thoughts of a ten year old child against the thoughts of the parents.

lulu1

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

I like it. It's really good. Love how it conveys the thoughts of a ten year old child against the thoughts of the parents.

Thanks a lot glad you like it. Keep going with yours you will get there

WomanSkirtFan8

lulu1 wrote: »

Thanks a lot glad you like it. Keep going with yours you will get there

absolutely. and the same to yourself.

Duckee

Hi,

I don't really have much to add in terms of the comments already posted but just wanted to say that I liked it very much and hope you keep going. It's a very sweet story and I can already see it with pictures of mean old mum and dad who keeps saying no.

Good luck.

lulu1

Another few lines of

A New Puppy

It was the beginning of April and the weather was getting a little bit better. It was staying brighter for much longer too.I began to notice that Mum was taking a bit of an interest in dogs. But she never said anything to me. One morning when I was looking for my homework copy I found a book tucked away behind the cushion on the sofa. I squealed with excitement. Mum ran into the sitting room ."What's all the noise about"? she asked." Oh Mum" I cried" I thought I saw a mouse". "Don't be so silly Emily" she said "Now hurry up and get ready for school .I decided I would ask mum about the book when I got home.
I thought 3 o' clock would never come. I had butterflies in my tummy all day.A few times I nearly put up my hand to tell the teacher that I didn't feel well but I didn't dare tell a lie. I asked my friend Ellie if I could get a lift home with her and her Mum because it was an emergency.I just had to find out if there was the slightest chance that we were getting a dog

Mum as always met me at the door. She said the very same thing every day." Hello How did it go at school today"?and I would say ok.
I took a deep breath." Mum" I said "are we getting a dog"?." We will see" she said I couldn't believe my ears It wasn't an it's too cold answer. It wasn't a your'e too young answer. But it was a we will see answer, and I know Mum, when she says we will see she usually means yes.

Would love your feedback bad or good please

Fortheloveosod

Here's my go at editing it.

It was the beginning of April and the weather was getting a bit nicer. The sun was staying out longer and [one more descriptive clause'd round this out, maybe 'the sun was staying out longer and I'd wake up to birds singing by my window' or something]. I began to notice that Mum may be taking a bit of an interest in dogs. She never said anything to me but one morning when I was looking for my homework I found a book tucked away behind a cushion on the sofa. I'd a quick peek and on the cover was the loveliest little puppy you ever saw! I squealed with excitement. Mum ran into the sitting room but not before I tucked the book back where I got it.
"What's all the noise about?" she asked.
"Oh, Mum," I cried, "I thought I saw a rat."
"In the house? Don't be so silly, Emily," she said. "Now, hurry up and get ready for school."

I thought three o'clock would never come that day. I decided I was going to ask Mum about the book when I got home. I asked my friend Ellie could I get a lift home with her and her Mum because it was an emergency. [an 'emergency' is it? I don't know about that.]

Mum as always met me at the door. She said the very same thing every day. "Hello, how did it go at school today?"
I as always said, "OK."
[Add description here. Maybe you put down your stuff or took some piece of clothing off of yourself.]
I took a deep breath. "Mum," I said, "are we getting a dog?"
"We will see," she said.
I couldn't believe my ears! It wasn't an 'it's too cold' answer; it wasn't a 'you're too young' answer; it was a 'we will see' answer!
"And I know Mum," I thought. "When she says 'we will see' she usually means 'yes'."

Personally, lulu, I like your ideas. I think you've an adorable little story here. But I have to wonder how much have you read. If you've read a lot (not 'alot' as you typed in an above comment), and your instincts haven't picked up the codified way that we spell, write, type, &c., maybe you'd want to get some help. There's no shame in that, either. We all have our weaknesses, and the strongest among us admit to them.
As for punctuation, when quoting we've a fairly complex system that's commoner in the UK and Ireland (and most Commonwealth nations) than in America, but the American system is used as well, and is *much* simpler and easier to do. I'm talking about placing punctuation inside or outside of your quotation marks, mostly. In America, it's simply always inside, and that's perfectly acceptable in all countries' English writing.