Unhappy relationships - do you stay or do you go?

AudreyHepburn

Reading about Rory McEllroy's ending his engagement I have to say I am a little but surprised at all the negativity towards him.

Perhaps it's just me, but I would think that surely if you are unhappy in your relationship and/or it is heading in a direction you don't want to go ie. Marriage, then not only are you within your rights to end it but surely it would be the correct and logical thing to do?

It seems though that a lot of people seem to the Rory is in the wrong to dump her, that he should have gone ahead and married her, that he is an idiot, a fool etc while Caroline W is being showered with sympathy.

I don't doubt if she'd left him first she'd be praised from the rooftops.

Is there double standards in relationships for men and women? Is it more acceptable for women to be the dumpers than men?
Should you stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy just because you would hurt your partner if you left them?

Gran Hermano

Do.

Deffo do.

wp_rathead

Overused joke:
"She'll be okay- love means nothing to a tennis player"

whirlpool

1) It's nobody's business but his.

2) If you're not committed to the person, then you shouldn't be with them and you definitely shouldn't marry them, even if you only realise this yourself last-minute.

3) Anyone who is giving him grief for breaking up with her is simply projecting their own fears of the same thing ever happening to them onto him.

4) It's still nobody else's business but his.

everlast75

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

Is there double standards in relationships for men and women? Is it more acceptable for women to be the dumpers than men?
Should you stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy just because you would hurt your partner if you left them?

Yup - another area is where if the man doesn't want to get married to a long time partner, he is immature and selfish and needs to grow up. If a woman doesn't, its seen as being independent and not being afraid of rejecting the norm.

Muise...

I don't think it's a gender thing - I think more sympathy goes to the dumpee, especially if the dumper has made the announcement so publicly. Bad enough hearing the "It's not you - it's me" line in person, but broadcast all over the media? Reverse the genders and I'd still think that's bad form.

GLaDOS

I feel sorry for both of them tbh. I can only imagine the pain he went through reaching this decision. Especially knowing how public it was all going to go.

Mr. CooL ICE

If you go, there will be trouble. If you stay, there will be double.

Rawr

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

Is there double standards in relationships for men and women? Is it more acceptable for women to be the dumpers than men?
Should you stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy just because you would hurt your partner if you left them?

I'm wondering if there's a bit of gender bias in play in these cases.

If the guy breaks it off, apparently he's commitment shy or just wants the freedom to sleep around.

However if the girl breaks it off, then she's 'empowered' and expressing her freedom.

Thus I think we're in a bit of a social rut where guys are expected to want commitment and that girls are celebrated for their rejection of it.

Instead you'd hope for people to respect that relationships are not only unique, but also personal to the couple in question. Break ups can happen for so many different reasons, and can be caused by either partner, both of them, and sometimes it's the fault of no-one. Relationships can sometimes just fizzle away.

I kinda wish people would drop gender assumtions on relationship events, and keep in mind that everyone is a bit different

everlast75

LordChessington wrote: »

If you go, there will be trouble. If you stay, there will be double.

A clash seems inevitable..

Tasden

I thought people were just kind of judging his timing more than anything, that he waited until wedding invites were sent and then broke it off

Merkin

I can't understand the backlash personally. Sure, it takes balls to walk out on someone you're engaged to but much easier to back out of a wedding than a marriage. Fair play to him for doing it if he knows it wasn't going to work. Plenty of people don't (Personal Issues thatta way

---

>) and they then wonder why their heading for divorce after only being married for a year or two.

And I think announcing it so publicly was to probably nip months of tabloid speculation in the bud and be done with it. He did the right thing.

Muise...

Rawr wrote: »

I'm wondering if there's a bit of gender bias in play in these cases.

If the guy breaks it off, apparently he's commitment shy or just wants the freedom to sleep around.

However if the girl breaks it off, then she's 'empowered' and expressing her freedom.

Thus I think we're in a bit of a social rut where guys are expected to want commitment and that girls are celebrated for their rejection of it.

Instead you'd hope for people to respect that relationships are not only unique, but also personal to the couple in question. Break ups can happen for so many different reasons, and can be caused by either partner, both of them, and sometimes it's the fault of no-one. Relationships can sometimes just fizzle away.

I kinda wish people would drop gender assumtions on relationship events, and keep in mind that everyone is a bit different

Who is making these assumptions? I haven't heard any such talk. Not that I follow celebrity news, just that among friends and relatives if someone's heart is broken, it's broken, and the heart has no gender.

Pherekydes

I think he's getting lambasted not because he broke it off, but because he sent out his wedding invites as recently as last weekend, and then broke it off.

Make yer fcuking mind up!

Merkin

Pherekydes wrote: »

I think he's getting lambasted not because he broke it off, but because he sent out his wedding invites as recently as last weekend, and then broke it off.

Make yer fcuking mind up!

Maybe he was undecided about the whole thing and such a definitive move made him finally realize that it just wasn't for him?

Has less to do with gender than one's first thoughts being with the person who didn't choose the situation. I think he was brave to jump off the rollercoaster when it was already in motion rather than wait for the crash. Ideally it would have been sooner, but that's life.

I think to save face for her and to minimise animus towards him, that it would have been wiser for them both to announce the split as a 'mutual' decision and I wonder why that was. It would be the preferred course of action if I was in the public eye in the way both of them are.

So no, I don't think gender is relevant and I've never seen or heard of a woman being applauded for being the dumper where a man would have been despised, and I don't see the value in filtering every little thing through the 'if the genders were reversed' filter that is applied with ever more tedious regularity.

If you're unhappy you leave and find some, and set your former partner free to find someone who thinks the world begins and ends with them.

My oldest daughter dumped her long term boyfriend recently, they were heading towards marriage, I felt sorry for him and sent him a txt and told him how fond of him I was. There reason I did this is because she had made up her mind and while it was traumatic for her she was relived, but he was very upset.

Muise...

mariaalice wrote: »

My oldest daughter dumped her long term boyfriend recently, they were heading towards marriage, I felt sorry for him and sent him a txt and told him how fond of him I was. There reason I did this is because she had made up her mind and while it was traumatic for her she was relived, but he was very upset.

That's very kind - you're lovely. Gender warfare is so annoying. Faith in people restored.

Riskymove

I think there is an element of just being sorry for Caroline as the circumstances ain't great

Personally i think he was right, it is far better to end it now than go through with a wedding you don't want

AudreyHepburn

Pherekydes wrote: »

I think he's getting lambasted not because he broke it off, but because he sent out his wedding invites as recently as last weekend, and then broke it off.

Make yer fcuking mind up!

I would imagine it was something he had been thinking over for a while, rather than a split second thing.

Perhaps sending the invites made him realize what he truly felt about marriage.

Riskymove

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

I would imagine it was something he had been thinking over for a while, rather than a split second thing.

Perhaps sending the invites made him realize what he truly felt about marriage.

yeah probably but that doesn't make the circumstances any nicer to face!

yeahimhere

I think it's more that he gives off the impression that he's a bit of a self-centred, spoiled brat who doesn't know what he wants at all and needs to grow up. And by grow up I mean consider another's feelings. That's why he gets a bad rep. Someone in an unhappy relationship, definitely should end it. It's life, it happens.

However he seems to have ended up with unhappy relationships with many around him - management, Holly Sweeny, Graeme McDowell, now his ex fiancée. Kind of points to him being a bit of a prick.

AudreyHepburn

yeahimhere wrote: »

I think it's more that he gives off the impression that he's a bit of a self-centred, spoiled brat who doesn't know what he wants at all and needs to grow up. And by grow up I mean consider another's feelings. That's why he gets a bad rep. Someone in an unhappy relationship, definitely should end it. It's life, it happens.

However he seems to have ended up with unhappy relationships with many around him - management, Holly Sweeny, Graeme McDowell, now his ex fiancée. Kind of points to him being a bit of a prick.

Surely it is more considerate of Caroline's feelings to break it off now, while they still can rather than enter into marriage with her knowing he will be unhappy thus making her unhappy too?

Do you really think he should have gone ahead like that just to spare her? Because I personally that would have been the cruelest thing he could have done.

I Heart Internet

I think the main criticism comes from the fact that he only called it off AFTER the wedding invites had gone out. It's kind of understandable (waiting until then to speak up) but still paints him as being a bit immature.

yeahimhere

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

Surely it is more considerate of Caroline's feelings to break it off now, while they still can rather than enter into marriage with her knowing he will be unhappy thus making her unhappy too?

Do you really think he should have gone ahead like that just to spare her? Because I personally that would have been the cruelest thing he could have done.

Oh god no, he was definitely right to break it off as soon as he realised it wasn't for him. My point is just that he isn't getting any sympathy because he seems to be a bit of a prick in general and has a history of doing selfish things.

I Heart Internet

yeahimhere wrote: »

Oh god no, he was definitely right to break it off as soon as he realised it wasn't for him. My point is just that he isn't getting any sympathy because he seems to be a bit of a prick in general and has a history of doing selfish things.

He'll live to regret not marrying that nice blonde girl from Northern Ireland....she was obviously "the one".

gramar

He did the right thing. The easy thing would have been to let himself get swept along with wedding while he obviously wasn't fully sure or committed.

What he did was brave, a tough decision that would break her heart and maybe a bit of his and would let a lot of people down. Better to do this than file for divorce after a few months of marriage.

AudreyHepburn

yeahimhere wrote: »

Oh god no, he was definitely right to break it off as soon as he realised it wasn't for him. My point is just that he isn't getting any sympathy because he seems to be a bit of a prick in general and has a history of doing selfish things.

So he should be selfless and marry her even though it's bound to go wrong down the line?

AudreyHepburn

I Heart Internet wrote: »

I think the main criticism comes from the fact that he only called it off AFTER the wedding invites had gone out. It's kind of understandable (waiting until then to speak up) but still paints him as being a bit immature.

I wonder though would people be so quick to judge if she was the one that ended it?

yeahimhere

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

So he should be selfless and marry her even though it's bound to go wrong down the line?

No, no. Twisting my words. Not sure where in my post you took it up that I said he should still marry her. I quite clearly said he was right to break up with her. You asked in your OP why there was negativity towards him and I have answered that it's because he has history of being a bit of a prick. So this action is just another notch on the belt. People tend not to have much sympathy for those that have a history of screwing people over.

He was still right to break up with her if he wasn't happy, he just doesn't have much sympathy.

Allison91

He probably shouldn't have proposed if he felt unsure, I doubt these feelings just surfaced recently and he only proposed a few months ago, but at least he didn't go ahead with it. Let's be honest Caroline can probably do better anyway!

Muise...

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

I wonder though would people be so quick to judge if she was the one that ended it?

You mean you don't have an actual example of people not judging a woman in his position to support the engagement-ending judgey gender imbalance theory you're peddling?

pow wow

Pretty sure he would have had an inkling before the invites were sent out! It's his timing that's lousy, not the fact that he doesn't want to get married (either to her or at all).

shopaholic01

I'd imagine that sending out the wedding invites focuses the mind and it suddenly becomes very real. He's only 25, better to back out at the last minute than stand at the altar with doubts or regrets.

Celly Smunt

I dont know if its been mentioned, but generally it is the mans job to propose (generally). A man should never lead a woman all the way upto marriage if there os any doubt at all. I think thats where the cowardly impression comes from.

Shakespeare's Sister

AudreyHepburn wrote: »

So he should be selfless and marry her even though it's bound to go wrong down the line?

Crikey. Just *where* did you read that in what they said...?

I find the interest in this "story" bizarre (yes I know I'm talking about it now though ) I thought this stuff was only limited to celebs and soap stars and that, not a reasonably known golfer and his lesser known tennis-player ex.

I even heard it being talked about in quite in-depth detail on Matt Cooper the other evening. Two 20-somethings break off their engagement - er... stop the press!

I didn't hear anything in the snippet I heard, about animosity towards Rory - just sympathy towards both people. I agree with others about the sympathy being towards the person who gets dumped, and can't understand the confidence that people have that a woman dumping him would be celebrated. I'd have thought a man being dumped would also get sympathy?
Serious obsession with pitting the genders against one another on this site.

And nobody, man or woman, "should" stay in a relationship they're unhappy in. It's not always easy to get out of it though, but the ideal would be for them to end things.

ratmouse

pow wow wrote: »

Pretty sure he would have had an inkling before the invites were sent out! It's his timing that's lousy, not the fact that he doesn't want to get married (either to her or at all).

Not necessarily. It's possible that his feelings changed out of nowhere. It can actually happen that way, almost like a light bulb moment where you realize that you don't love the person anymore.

Witchie

Maybe she had been pushing for the engagement and he went with it rather than lose her and when the invites went out it just all felt so real that he couldn't go on coz he knew he just wasn't ready for that level of commitment.

I feel sorry for them both as it is never nice to break up with some you care for and even if he wasn't enough in love with her to marry her I do think he must have cared about her or they wouldn't have made it to engagement stage at all.

Its rougher for them too by being in the public eye but am sure they will both get through it like the rest of us mere mortals do and in a few years down the line will be married to someone else and all will be forgotten about.

Adamantium

Thread needs this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3BY72RF8vc

WilyCoyote

As far as I remember, she posted a pic of him sleeping. I think that was a bit mean. Like showing off the kudos to her friends (and ultimately the world). Sleeping in your own home is a private thing. It's not like someone snapped him as he snoozed in a plane, airport or some other public place.
Am sure the Freudians on boards.ie can give a reasonable explanation for her action.