Long Term Relationship - I can't end it / don't know how

William_B3226

Hi All,

I've never used boards as a site to write about my issues but I just need some help, I don't know what to do.

I have been in a relationship for over 7 years now. But for the past 2 years and especially the last 12 months I have been really unhappy and don't think I want to marry this women. Most of you must be just thinking "then break up with her so" but it really isn't that easy.

I care so much for her that I am more concerned about how she would be if we broke up. We live together, where would she move out to? She doesn't have many friends and all of her friends are pretty much married at this stage.

I am just riddled with gilt. She turns 31 the year and I know her biological clock is ticking and I shouldn't be wasting her time right? But I just don't want to hurt her this much, the idea of it makes me sick.

So what do I do? We are meant to go on holidays together next month and it's my birthday a few weeks after that. I keep trying to find the right moment to break up but always find a way to get out of it.

I suppose I need to start thinking about myself and my future rather that just thinking about her but I care for her and what will happen to her.

Man, it's so tough. Part of me wants to keep going in the relationship and try and work it out but then another part of me says you can't see yourself marrying her, what's the point?

I just don't know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated..

thanks,
W

D Weasel

William_B3226 wrote: »

Hi All,

I've never used boards as a site to write about my issues but I just need some help, I don't know what to do.

I have been in a relationship for over 7 years now. But for the past 2 years and especially the last 12 months I have been really unhappy and don't think I want to marry this women. Most of you must be just thinking "then break up with her so" but it really isn't that easy.

I care so much for her that I am more concerned about how she would be if we broke up. We live together, where would she move out to? She doesn't have many friends and all of her friends are pretty much married at this stage.

I am just riddled with gilt. She turns 31 the year and I know her biological clock is ticking and I shouldn't be wasting her time right? But I just don't want to hurt her this much, the idea of it makes me sick.

So what do I do? We are meant to go on holidays together next month and it's my birthday a few weeks after that. I keep trying to find the right moment to break up but always find a way to get out of it.

I suppose I need to start thinking about myself and my future rather that just thinking about her but I care for her and what will happen to her.

Man, it's so tough. Part of me wants to keep going in the relationship and try and work it out but then another part of me says you can't see yourself marrying her, what's the point?

I just don't know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated..

thanks,
W

Just do it. Simple as

Holysock

Breakup.Prolonging the relationship until a more suitable time to break up is just wasting her time. There is never a good time to break up and you'll always find something that warrants delaying it. Its much worse finding out the person who's broken up with you had it on their mind for months!

rcarroll

What you're doing now is selfish and a d@ck move on your part - you've known for 2 years and you've wasted 2 years of her life. Like you said, her biological clock is ticking, what you've done has been totally to suit yourself, and as much as you try to paint it as concern and love for her, it's not. She'll recover, like everyone does with time. Do her a favour and be kind, but very clear that it's over and you don't ever see a chance to get back together.

Magicmatilda

William_B3226 wrote: »

Hi All,


I am just riddled with gilt....


I suppose I need to start thinking about myself and my future rather that just thinking about her but I care for her and what will happen to her.

But you are only thinking of yourself. You are thinking about how guilty you will feel when she starts crying....

You are stringing this girl along to make yourself feel better and you have the audacity to suggest that you have her best interests at heart... the mad thing is that you actually believe that.

You need to end it the next time you see her.Tell her what you have said here.

She will get over it and she will be fine and to be honest I donlt see what her friends being married has anything to do with it, when I broke up with my ex at 31, the first place I went was to my friend who is married. Her being married made no difference to her being able to support me.

Much as I am sure he thought I would apart and be unable to cope without him, I am fine now.

Honestly your post comes accross as arrongant and selfish...let this girl go, now.

Merkin

You're mentioning holidays and birthdays - there is never a good time to break up with someone. There will always be some event around the corner which is really rather incidental, a break up out of the blue is always going to hurt, whatever the day. I've been in your shoes and broke up with a serious long-term boyfriend after six years a. on our sixth anniversary and b. the day before his birthday. Maybe makes me a battle-axe from hell but I simply wouldn't go through the pretense of enjoying an anniversary with someone I was going to break up with. Grab your balls and just do it. It's as stark as that. She'll get over you with time.

CaraMay

You have just wasted two years of her life. That's shocking given her age. Do the recent thing and stop being so selfish.

Stavro Mueller

Your girlfriend is a grown woman of 31, not a two year old kid. She'll get over the break-up in time. As to where she'll live, she'll just have to do like what everyone else does when these things happen. Move home for a little while, stay with a friend, move into a house share, find a little flat somewhere. She'll manage. Let's face it, all this is about you. If she wants to have kids and you drag the arse out of this for too long and leave it too late for her to meet someone else and have a family, she'll really have reason to hate you. Stop being a coward and rip off the plaster.

Alf. A. Male

You say you're unhappy, but you don't say why. Any chance you might tell her you're not happy and maybe work through the reasons with her? She might be relieved and say she's unhappy too and you can end it mutually and amicably, she might be able to understand what's making you, or both of you, unhappy and have some solutions or changes to offer. It seems all you've done is become unhappy and let it fester, but otherwise keep going as normal and kept her in the dark; whatever you might do next, your actions leading to this point appear to have been ludicrously uncommunicative and that at least needs to change.

William_B3226

Many thanks for all the response, it really is greatly appreciated.

I have probably not explained myself fully and can understand how you may think I am being selfish and wasting her time. Thing is, I love this women but I don’t know – my gut tells me that if I do continue in this relationship it will only end in tears. Best way to describe it is that I love her but am not in love with her.

Another massive issue for me, but something I am not sure is that important is that I cannot stand her family. I find her father incredibly selfish and actually very mean to her, along with her two brothers who I feel treat her very badly. So the thought I growing old with this extended family around me makes it even harder.

I want this relationship to work, it’s not like I’m sitting here watching the months fly by, do you think I enjoy this? It’s heartbreaking for the both of us. Sometimes I just look at her and I feel like bursting into tears. It’s just so tough. This is my only relationship and I always thought I would be marrying her.

Stavro Mueller

So in other words you're going to sit around wringing your hands hoping this can resolve itself on its own. I don't know what it is you're looking for here to be honest.

Alf. A. Male

William_B3226 wrote: »

Many thanks for all the response, it really is greatly appreciated.

I have probably not explained myself fully and can understand how you may think I am being selfish and wasting her time. Thing is, I love this women but I don’t know – my gut tells me that if I do continue in this relationship it will only end in tears. Best way to describe it is that I love her but am not in love with her.

Another massive issue for me, but something I am not sure is that important is that I cannot stand her family. I find her father incredibly selfish and actually very mean to her, along with her two brothers who I feel treat her very badly. So the thought I growing old with this extended family around me makes it even harder.

I want this relationship to work, it’s not like I’m sitting here watching the months fly by, do you think I enjoy this? It’s heartbreaking for the both of us. Sometimes I just look at her and I feel like bursting into tears. It’s just so tough. This is my only relationship and I always thought I would be marrying her.

Yeh, this just reinforces the impression that you are being very selfish and uncommunicative. You don't seem to have even asked what she wants or feels, let alone taken it into consideration.

CaraMay

So you are not in love with her? Fine but give her the chance to meet someone who is.

There really are no excuses for keeping this relationship going? Are you still sleeping with her even though you aren't in love with her?

desbrook

How would you feel if all this was written by her about you ?

poundapunnet

If you value this woman at all just man up and break up. In the context of a seven year relationship, considering her age and the fact that she wants kids, petty things like 'there's holidays coming up' don't matter at all.

I'm trying not to phrase this too harshly, bear with me. I get the impression from your replies that there's some degree of emotional masochism or martyr-ishness in your feelings about this. I appreciate that after so long with someone you're bound to have some feelings for them even if your heart isn't in the relationship anymore, but you have a healthy dollop of drama in how you're expressing your feelings over it. The way you're treating this woman is just basic, ****ty, self-centred behaviour, and the longer it goes on the worse it gets. And the break-up will just be a basic, ****ty experience like they all are, it's not Shakespeare.

Merkin

William_B3226 wrote: »

I have probably not explained myself fully and can understand how you may think I am being selfish and wasting her time. Thing is, I love this women but I don’t know – my gut tells me that if I do continue in this relationship it will only end in tears. Best way to describe it is that I love her but am not in love with her.

It's actually way more straightforward than you think. You simply don't love her anymore and consequently you don't need to do a comprehensive audit on they whys and wherefores. Break ups are tough, for both parties, but if you are fully aware that this has no future (and it doesn't because you don't feel that way about her) then there's nothing more to discuss. No amount of hand-ringing or introspection or procrastination is going to alter that. You've already spent two whole years knowing that this has no future so to reiterate what I said in my last post you need to grab your balls and just do it. I've been there, it's bloody tough but you are going to feel such relief the moment you have that conversation. Do it this evening.

bee06

OP you need to think about it this way ... You need to break up with her so she can get on with her life and meet the person she's supposed to be with instead of wasting her time. I have no doubt she won't be thanking you for this straight away but she will get over it and realise it was for the best in time.

dixiefly

I think that people are being a little unfair on the OP here. He is struggling with this realisation that he isnt in love with her any more. There is so much committed to the relationship that it is sometimes difficult to see the wood from the trees and decide if you really want to end it.

I could get totally slated for this but I want to make another suggestion for you to consider.

The whole relationship with her side of the family seems to be toxic for her and also for you. It could be effecting the person she is, the person you are and the relationship you have with each other. You could speak to her straight away and tell her that you want to do whatever is necessary to significantly cut yourselves away from father and brothers, that it is effecting you and that you dont see yourself being able to continue with those relationships as is. i am not saying to have a big rownwith them, just to say to her that you are not happy and to see if ye can change your lives around and away from them.

Perhaps a move away from them. Only you know the depth of your feelings and it may just be extending the pain but, I wonder, if ye were free from the shackles of her toxic family and eventually had a family of your own would the love develop again?

Remember, there is no guarantee that you will find someone more suitable and most relationships have some degree of compromise.

Irrespective of whather you go all the way and break it off you should articulate your concerns about the relationship, the effect these family issues are having and start preparing her for the worst. best of luck.

Linka

William_B3226 wrote: »

But for the past 2 years and especially the last 12 months I have been really unhappy and don't think I want to marry this women.

Do you not think that the last two years have been an awful waste of this womans life? There is never an ideal time for a break up, if it needs to be done then just do it. She could have spent 3-6 of those first few months getting over you and settling into her new single life, and could have met someone else worthy of her time since that.

Man up.

Merkin

dixiefly wrote: »

I wonder, if ye were free from the shackles of her toxic family and eventually had a family of your own would the love develop again?

:eek:

Do not under any circumstances OP even think of having children together in the hope of rekindling love. That really really wouldn't be a good idea.

dixiefly

Merkin wrote: »

:eek:

Do not under any circumstances OP even think of having children together in the hope of rekindling love. That really really wouldn't be a good idea.

I said eventually!

And no need for these :eek::eek:

What I am saying is that there are issues effecting the relationship very significantly and if they can be dealt with the best thing for both parties might be to try and live their lives without the toxic family. There are many couples where at least one of the spouses detests the in laws.

I would say that the OP should break the ice and say just how badly he feels and the effects these things are having on the relationship. Perhaps, she feels the same and wants to break up also though, from the OP description, that probably isnt the case.

As I said, the vast majority are saying to go for a clean break and are probably correct. However, it is a massive decision and I was just suggesting that the issues with her family be brought up and to see if it is possible to move on with life with much less interaction with them.

Merkin

dixiefly wrote: »

I said eventually!

That makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. It would be a massive gamble to think about having children together in the hope that it would rekindle love. A recipe for disaster in fact and ultimately very cruel bringing children into the equation.

I also think her toxic family is a side issue. If he loved his girlfriend then he wouldn't care if she was the spawn of Fred West and Cruella DeVille. The fact of the matter is he hasn't loved his girlfriend for two whole years now so looking for excuses to save it is futile and ultimately wasting time when so much has been wasted already.

iwantmydinner

OP, stop being so dramatic. You know you want to end the relationship, it's hideously unfair on her to drag it out like this, so you need to just grow a pair and end it.

I like a previous poster's point - how would you feel if she had written the OP about you? Do the right thing, man.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the other posts here. At this stage your with this woman for 7 years and she may be thinking he will propose to me soon. Along with this I am sure that her family/friends have been making comments to her about getting married/having children.

Rather than end things you are just letting things coast along thinking some thing will happen. Your being very selfish. Your know your girlfriend will be upset but the reality is that you have wasted 2 years of her life because you had not the decency to tell her that you don't want to marry her.

At this stage you can't keep putting this off as she is now 31. If she wants to meet someone, get married and have children she needs you to stop wasting her time.
I know for most woman as you get into your 30's it get harder to meet someone. Also as a woman your fertility declines as you get to your mid 30's.

William_B3226

I've been overwhelmed with your responses. It must be because you all feel so strongly about my actions. \

Reading over all the comments once again this morning, I just need to break up and both of us get on with our lives. It's very difficult when you love someone so much but now realise that it's not what it used to be.

When reading all of your comments I thought it was a bit harsh on me. I've always thought that I've been thinking more about her than me, how she will be if we break up. How I feel sorry for her.

But after sleeping on it, that's such bulls**t on my part. How would she feel like it if she knew I was still with her just for these reasons.

Has anyone had any experiences breaking up suddenly in a long term relationship like this? Would you have any advice or what do you think is the best approach.

Thanks to each and everyone one of you for taking the time to contribute to this thread.

W

Linka

William_B3226 wrote: »

When reading all of your comments I thought it was a bit harsh on me. I've always thought that I've been thinking more about her than me, how she will be if we break up. How I feel sorry for her.

I'm not sure that you have been though. It seems easier to say that, when in fact you've been dreading breaking up with her. There is an element of that which is bordering on cowardice. If you were in fact thinking of her alone, you wouldn't want to prolong the pain of breaking up for her and effectively wasting two years of her life.

But after sleeping on it, that's such bulls**t on my part. How would she feel like it if she knew I was still with her just for these reasons.

I think you're finally seeing the other side of the coin. You wouldn't want to feel like the last two years of your life was a lie, would you?

Has anyone had any experiences breaking up suddenly in a long term relationship like this? Would you have any advice or what do you think is the best approach.

Honesty. Sit her down and tell her you haven't felt things have been right for a while. I don't think I'd tell her exactly how long you've felt like this, because I know I would be very angry with you. You need to tell her you think it's for the best if you go your separate ways, but wish to remain friends with her. That would be the better outcome of course. This may or may not come as a shock to her, but given how you've been around her I'd be surprised if she hasn't picked up on it. You need to nicely rule out the possibility of trying to make things work, because it doesn't look like you feel that way any more.

Breaking up with someone is never easy. Just be honest and kind to her.

Raminahobbin

You are literally going to have to just DO it. When you both get home this evening - even if she comes in from work all happy and bringing you the best present in the world; it doesn't matter. Just sit her down, and blurt it out. It's never easy, but once you have the first sentence out, it will flow. Tell her you need to end it.

Given that this is your first break up (I think you said) and how guilty you feel, you're going to be tempted to soften it for her. When she starts crying, you're going to be tempted back peddle a little bit and give her false hope. DON'T. Be firm.

Stavro Mueller

Oh and don't go do the staying friends route. Maybe in time the pair of you can be friends but for now the only way to get over this is to cut contact. No phone calls, no texts, no Facebook...

rcarroll

You say look I think we need to talk. Be clear and absolutely don't leave any room for doubt. Be kind and tell her you're sorry but you just don't see a future with her. Accept her anger and pain, don't try to backtrack and cave, don't get into a slagging match. It diesn't have to be awful- she will see in time ye just weren't suited. Don't offer to be friends yet it's too soon. Good luck

minalaury

I've been exactly there OP. The guilt, the fear his life would fall apart etc Also was 7 years and living together. It's going to hurt you both like hell but living in denial and the dread of knowing this is coming is far worse. You will look back unable to believe you lived with that gnawing dread for so long!
People are far more resilient than you think. My ex is doing great 2 years on, with a new gf too.
I wish you the very best because it does take courage.

Maphisto

William_B3226 wrote: »

Many thanks for all the response, it really is greatly appreciated.

I have probably not explained myself fully and can understand how you may think I am being selfish and wasting her time. Thing is, I love this women but I don’t know – my gut tells me that if I do continue in this relationship it will only end in tears. Best way to describe it is that I love her but am not in love with her.

I'm not sure what that means. Does it mean you love her like a sister? Are you concerned that you don't get the tingly butterflies anymore? Try imagining her gone. Look at your home empty. Her clothes gone. All the female junk in the bathroom gone. All the things you used to do together no more.

Now how do you feel?

Another massive issue for me, but something I am not sure is that important is that I cannot stand her family. I find her father incredibly selfish and actually very mean to her, along with her two brothers who I feel treat her very badly. So the thought I growing old with this extended family around me makes it even harder.

That's a side issue. Let her know how her family makes you feel. After we were just married, I picked up one of her relatives "Don't talk to my wife like that." I enjoyed it so much I had to stop myself doing it again.

I want this relationship to work, it’s not like I’m sitting here watching the months fly by, do you think I enjoy this? It’s heartbreaking for the both of us. Sometimes I just look at her and I feel like bursting into tears. It’s just so tough. This is my only relationship and I always thought I would be marrying her

Now I'm confused you say want not wanted.

Have you thought about relationship counselling

CaraMay

Glad you are seeing sense op. It's fair to both of you in the end that you have the chance to meet someone very special.

Have a plan in place to move out so she gets some space quickly. Don't offer to be friends but do answer all her questions gently. I wouldn't say it's been two years but I would make sure she knows there is no going back. It's also important that you know there is no going back so you don't turn to her when you are missing her or feeling lonely etc

I finished an engagement before and it was very hard but he has moved on and married since and I'm sure he is very happy. She deserves someone who loves the bones of her and each day you keep her is a day you are denying her that. Do it today

iwantmydinner

Good stuff OP. It's not easy but you clearly know that this is over. There's no way to approach it other than just blurring it out face to face. Be clear about your own reasons for ending it, be patient, be firm.

Meathlass

Hey OP. I've been on the other side of this. After a 3.5 year relationship I was dumped out of the blue in a carpark in early January! The worst part though was that he admitted he'd realized he wanted to end it in early December but wanted me to enjoy my Christmas so waited until January to break it off.

I felt like crap, like everything all over Christmas was a charade: all the nights out, presents, weekend away for NYE. Now imagine your girlfriend dealing with the realization that the last 2 years of her life is a charade?

You need to man up and do it. It'll be difficult, there'll be tears and hurt but it's best for the long term.

Maphisto

iwantmydinner wrote: »

Good stuff OP. It's not easy but you clearly know that this is over. There's no way to approach it other than just blurring it out face to face. Be clear about your own reasons for ending it, be patient, be firm.

I didn't read that.

I seem to be out of kilter with eveyone else, but I'm reading "I love this woman but not in love" "I want this relationship to work". I've probably para-phrased badly but that the jist of what I get

CaraMay

Maphisto wrote: »

I didn't read that.

I seem to be out of kilter with eveyone else, but I'm reading "I love this woman but not in love" "I want this relationship to work". I've probably para-phrased badly but that the jist of what I get

He doesn't want to marry / have kids with her and she wants both.

Raminahobbin

Maphisto wrote: »

I didn't read that.

I seem to be out of kilter with eveyone else, but I'm reading "I love this woman but not in love" "I want this relationship to work". I've probably para-phrased badly but that the jist of what I get

He's just processing the idea of the relationship ending and is struggling to come to terms with what he knows to be true. If he's saying he's pretty sure he doesn't see a future with her, then the other stuff he says is irrelevant. Idealistic subjectivity that will fade the further he gets from the relationship.

Maphisto

CaraMay wrote: »

He doesn't want to marry / have kids with her and she wants both.

Raminahobbin wrote: »

He's just processing the idea of the relationship ending and is struggling to come to terms with what he knows to be true. If he's saying he's pretty sure he doesn't see a future with her, then the other stuff he says is irrelevant. Idealistic subjectivity that will fade the further he gets from the relationship.

OK got it, I'm back up with the rest of the class now.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm going unreg for this as its deeply personal.

I've been on the receiving end of a relationship break up. Long term, thought we were madly in love, it wasn't perfect, but I was willing to do anything for him, and for us to work. He pretended that he felt the same.

Until one day I got a phone call on my way home from work saying we need to talk. I innocently thought he might be sick, or something major with his family etc.

He ended it. Said exactly what you are thinking, that he was not in love with me, he wanted to remain friends, but we had no future.
I'm not going to lie, it BROKE my heart. I was inconsolable. I asked him never to contact me again. He seemed upset at this which I found a bit rich. We went from living together, being what I thought was madly in love, to beings strangers in the space of 5 mins. What I found most difficult was that my best friend and partner had in my eyes deceived me in every way, as he hadnt even discussed with me how he felt. The pretence that he kept up for what must have been months was the most hurtful.

BUT I got over it. It upturned my life, but with the benefit of hind sight I can now say that he did completely the right thing. So much iso that 2 years on I've never been happier. I am now in what is a fantastic relationship with someone I never thought it was possible to feel so good about and in love with. We have an open and honest conversations about how we feel, and I am so thankful to my ex for breaking up with me.

Please do it now. Dont wait any longer. Break up with her. Let her go off and live her life. Do not stay friends, as she wont be able to get over that. It will hurt you too, but you know what, you need to suck that up, and let her go. You have no right to keep lieing to her , just so you dont feel bad about hurting her. You owe her that much.