Tightwad Boyfriend or Demanding Girlfriend?

moses23

I think I need some outsider perspective on this. I love my boyfriend, we have a great relationship, get on so well etc. I'm sure there are several things about me he finds irritating, but for me, I really can't stand that he is a tightwad. I find myself paying for a lot more in the relationship than he does, even simple things like takeaways or dinners, driving places, I take him to loads of concerts and he never gives me money for tickets or takes me to any, I paid for the last night we went away to a hotel... lately he has no problem going away on lads weekends but doesn't seem as bothered about us going away for a weekend in a couple of weeks. I can't even be bothered bringing it up again because I would like to feel like I'M being whisked away somewhere and not the other way around. It's not making me feel very special.
I earn more than him, so am I just being a selfish cow? Am I supposed to be less demanding, accept that he doesn't earn as much as me and therefore generally pay more?

DerekDGoldfish

While I agree in general he should be paying more to concerts and the likes, are they "your" concerts or his? Is he going along to acts he doesn't like out of politeness or are they acts you both enjoy that he just refuses to pay for?

strobe

moses23 wrote: »

I think I need some outsider perspective on this. I love my boyfriend, we have a great relationship, get on so well etc. I'm sure there are several things about me he finds irritating, but for me, I really can't stand that he is a tightwad. I find myself paying for a lot more in the relationship than he does, even simple things like takeaways or dinners, driving places, I take him to loads of concerts and he never gives me money for tickets or takes me to any, I paid for the last night we went away to a hotel... lately he has no problem going away on lads weekends but doesn't seem as bothered about us going away for a weekend in a couple of weeks. I can't even be bothered bringing it up again because I would like to feel like I'M being whisked away somewhere and not the other way around. It's not making me feel very special.
I earn more than him, so am I just being a selfish cow? Am I supposed to be less demanding, accept that he doesn't earn as much as me and therefore generally pay more?

Does he ask you to spend this money on him? If no, then yeah I'd say you're being pretty unfair. It sounds like he does pay for things, just not as often as you? Maybe he just thinks you're really generous? That you like buying these things as it's a nice thing to do and you seem to be able to afford it? Does he show you he cares about you in non financial ways? Is he generous with his time etc? Not everyone feels spending money on someone is the best way to do something nice for them. Maybe he is like that?

If it's bothering you that much then just mention it to him. That you think it'd be nice if he bought you dinner or a week away somewhere or to a concert because presents and things are important to you. It's make you feel appreciated or whatever etc etc.
But also you do earn more than him... so it would be quite odd if he spent the exact same on the relationship stuff as you did.

But yeah the tone of your post in general comes over majorly 'demanding girlfriend'-ish to me personally. Maybe he should be paying for more things, so things are more even monetarily between you too. But your posts comes across very snarky (no offense) I think, and if that's your actual attitude with him I'd be thinking the relationship won't last very long. How long are you two together?

moses23

They are acts he is also interested in, but always just says "Thanks" and expects that I've sorted it and he doesn't have to give me any money. And we also go halves on drinks while we're there, and taxis etc etc. I know I've never asked him to pay for them but I'd feel a bit cheeky doing that to be honest....

moses23

strobe wrote: »

Does he ask you to spend this money on him? If no, then yeah I'd say you're being pretty unfair. It sounds like he does pay for things, just not as often as you? Maybe he just thinks you're really generous? That you like buying these things as it's a nice thing to do and you seem to be able to afford it? Does he show you he cares about you in non financial ways? Is he generous with his time etc? Not everyone feels spending money on someone is the best way to do something nice for them. Maybe he is like that?

If it's bothering you that much then just mention it to him. That you think it'd be nice if he bought you dinner or a week away somewhere or to a concert because presents and things are important to you. It's make you feel appreciated or whatever etc etc.
But also you do earn more than him... so it would be quite odd if he spent the exact same on the relationship stuff as you did.

But yeah the tone of your post in general comes over majorly 'demanding girlfriend'-ish to me personally. Maybe he should be paying for more things, so things are more even monetarily between you too. But your posts comes across very snarky (no offense) I think, and if that's your actual attitude with him I'd be thinking the relationship won't last very long. How long are you two together?

I realise I'm probably coming across quite negatively as I'm in a negative mood. There are certain things I've paid for and haven't asked him to pay for, but in general, when it comes to paying for ANYTHING.... taxis, dinners, takeaways, whatever, a lot of the time he stands and waits and expects for me to get it.... We're together a year and a half, and the reason it bugs me so much probably IS because I'm generous and usually have no problem whatsoever spending money on people, but I have always hated people being tight (when it is uncalled for)

Bananaleaf

It's tricky, do you just announce that you have booked a hotel already or do you discuss it with them.

My OH is not a tightwad at all, but he really hates paying for hotels. His opinion is, why would we spend 100+ on a room when we have a whole house we're already paying rent on! I know it might seem unromantic, but he prefers to spend the money a different way, like a meal, flowers and some nice wine, and I have to say, I have come round to his way of thinking.

Is it just with hotels OP? Because maybe, like my OH he just doesn't see it as money well spent.

hairyprincess

Is he generous with love and affection, spending time with you etc?

I think you are setting the tone by paying all the time, though if you earn more them him them I could see how he might view it.

Whose idea is it to go the concerts? Are they all your idea or does he input suggestions?

moses23

I don't think I am the type of person who expects presents or gifts and things like that at ALL, but when he has no problem going off on lads weekends (the past 2 weeks) but has little interest in us going away for the weekend (where I would probably spend the majority of the money), I think I have a right to be a bit miffed.

moses23

Bananaleaf wrote: »

It's tricky, do you just announce that you have booked a hotel already or do you discuss it with them.

My OH is not a tightwad at all, but he really hates paying for hotels. His opinion is, why would we spend 100+ on a room when we have a whole house we're already paying rent on! I know it might seem unromantic, but he prefers to spend the money a different way, like a meal, flowers and some nice wine, and I have to say, I have come round to his way of thinking.

Is it just with hotels OP? Because maybe, like my OH he just doesn't see it as money well spent.

No it's definitely not just with hotels, its a general thing. He SAYS he will pay me back or give me money towards things, but rarely does.

moses23

hairyprincess wrote: »

Is he generous with love and affection, spending time with you etc?

I think you are setting the tone by paying all the time, though if you earn more them him them I could see how he might view it.

Whose idea is it to go the concerts? Are they all your idea or does he input suggestions?

I know I'm ranting about this but yes, he is so generous with time, love, affection, everything else and we do have such an amazing time together and get on so well. I just think I have issues around being used (as I have been in the past) and would hate that to be the case. I think that if this is an issue now it is going to become an absolutely huge one if we get married down the line...

And I think you're right about me setting the tone, I have done that now and it is expected from me.

strobe

Ah well look, just say it to him and get his side of the story cause people can only guess wildly here. You're together a year and a half, go talk to him. How long have you been stewing over this? Honestly, if you're letting any situation in the relationship get you this wound up without saying something about it to him then you may as well pack it in. Just talk to him about it and you'll either come to a calm, civilised and rational understanding, or you'll scream and shout and maybe break up or maybe tear each others clothes off but at least you'll have dealt with it.

professore

You need to talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn't realise he's being so tight. Maybe he's up to his eyeballs in debt?

moses23

professore wrote: »

You need to talk to him about it. Maybe he doesn't realise he's being so tight. Maybe he's up to his eyeballs in debt?

No, he's not in any major debt that I'm aware of, just really bad at saving!
Or maybe he has the right idea. You don't make money by spending it after all!

moses23

strobe wrote: »

Ah well look, just say it to him and get his side of the story cause people can only guess wildly here. You're together a year and a half, go talk to him. How long have you been stewing over this? Honestly, if you're letting any situation in the relationship get you this wound up without saying something about it to him then you may as well pack it in. Just talk to him about it and you'll either come to a calm, civilised and rational understanding, or you'll scream and shout and maybe break up or maybe tear each others clothes off but at least you'll have dealt with it.

I think I will talk to him about it... probably just p*ssed off cause now it's spilled over to his housemates and I ended up paying for all of THEIR food last week too! But obviously I need to learn to reign it in myself...and just put a stop to it.

hairyprincess

You're going to have to talk to him. Maybe ask him if you could have a more equal divide in paying for nights out etc as you are trying to save money and won't be as flush as you have been.

It's also possible he feels these things you are doing are frivolous or over indulgent and chances are he wouldn't be doing them if you weren't paying for them.

However you choose your discussion be very aware of your tone of voice, the setting, your delivery and body language. If you go in to the conversation aggressively he may get defensive. Do it when you are relaxed and in private.

Lou.m

moses23 wrote: »

I think I need some outsider perspective on this. I love my boyfriend, we have a great relationship, get on so well etc. I'm sure there are several things about me he finds irritating, but for me, I really can't stand that he is a tightwad. I find myself paying for a lot more in the relationship than he does, even simple things like takeaways or dinners, driving places, I take him to loads of concerts and he never gives me money for tickets or takes me to any, I paid for the last night we went away to a hotel... lately he has no problem going away on lads weekends but doesn't seem as bothered about us going away for a weekend in a couple of weeks. I can't even be bothered bringing it up again because I would like to feel like I'M being whisked away somewhere and not the other way around. It's not making me feel very special.
I earn more than him, so am I just being a selfish cow? Am I supposed to be less demanding, accept that he doesn't earn as much as me and therefore generally pay more?

If he is not into it then he would not accept.

Talk to him about it and ask him to tell you why this is happening. If you keep offering and he is accepting without giving back in some way then this is telling you a lot about him.

If it were reversed and it was us girls I would be careful not to accept what I could not give back. I would be choosing free things for us or things i could afford to give back.


Could you have a date fund and both put equal amounts in each month? Or agree that you do things he can afford?

It might mean you have to do things sometimes to suit his budget.

If it were reversed and you were going out with a guy who had more money than you wouldn't you be making and effort to see that this situation was not occurring and he did not feel he was being taken advantage of?

Defiler Of The Coffin

You need to become more assertive with him. He's more than happy to use you as an ATM because you are letting him.

Refuse to pay for his share anymore and insist that everything is paid up front. It's the only way.

Edit: Just noticed this:

moses23 wrote: »

I think I will talk to him about it... probably just p*ssed off cause now it's spilled over to his housemates and I ended up paying for all of THEIR food last week too! But obviously I need to learn to reign it in myself...and just put a stop to it.

Good lord OP, he's even happy for his housemates to sponge off you? You are far too soft.

username123

moses23 wrote: »

I think I will talk to him about it... probably just p*ssed off cause now it's spilled over to his housemates and I ended up paying for all of THEIR food last week too! But obviously I need to learn to reign it in myself...and just put a stop to it.

What? Why didn't you just stand there with and not pay?

I don't understand why you cant stand back and wait for him to pay? Or suggest tickets and if he agrees, then tell him which night suits you for when he is booking them.

It's you who keeps putting your hand in your pocket, just stop.

Potatoeman

moses23 wrote: »

I think I will talk to him about it... probably just p*ssed off cause now it's spilled over to his housemates and I ended up paying for all of THEIR food last week too! But obviously I need to learn to reign it in myself...and just put a stop to it.

How did that happen?

poundapunnet

Broach the subject delicately and see how he reacts I guess. It is possible that he just thinks you're very flush and/or generous. But maybe it's just me, I doubt that somehow. If I were in a long-term relationship, it'd make me very uncomfortable to have my partner CONSTANTLY paying, let alone splashing out on my housemates. Fair enough maybe concerts and hotels and stuff are just out of his budget or things he doesn't mind you always paying for because he wouldn't spend that money left to his own devices, but the fact that he wouldn't put his hand in his pocket even for takeaways, or for any other little token gestures is pretty revealing.

It's not exactly a banning offence, the tone of you paying was set at the start and even if he's just chancing his arm taking advantage of it doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad boyfriend (like you said he's considerate in other ways and ye get on), but it's obviously bothering you and will probably continue to do so until it's either blown out of proportion in your mind or he goes too far in taking advantage of your generosity. Bring it up with him, it'd be a tricky conversation but going by your posts it's going to have to happen

dark crystal

I wouldn't even think about booking concerts or hotels for the two of you until he'd contributed his fair share. If he can't afford to go to the concerts, go with a friend instead. The take aways etc., again, I'd be looking for his share before I even ordered.

He's gotten used to you paying for everything now and it's become a habit. You have to help break that habit by taking the doormat off your forehead and getting him to contribute like every other non-sponging adult has to.

It's lovely to treat your loved ones every now and again, but when those loved ones start to take advantage of your generosity, well, you really need to nip that in the bud before it becomes expected of you.

Maphisto

Just my 2 cents but I think this guy is totally taking the pi$$.

Buying shopping for all his mates :mad:

moses23

Potatoeman wrote: »

How did that happen?

It was a takeaway for everyone and it ended up being put on my card....
I broached the subject yesterday... all he said was "Ah, they haven't mentioned it, I'm sure there'll be other takeaways"
If this was the other way around and him forking out for my housemates (wouldn't happen, but anyway), he would have to get his money back.

I've always known this - his friends always take the piss out of him for being a tightwad... I think I've just let it get too far at this stage and need to stop putting my hand in my pocket.

Thanks for the advice everyone

liz lemoncello

moses23 wrote: »

It was a takeaway for everyone and it ended up being put on my card....
I broached the subject yesterday... all he said was "Ah, they haven't mentioned it, I'm sure there'll be other takeaways"
If this was the other way around and him forking out for my housemates (wouldn't happen, but anyway), he would have to get his money back.

I've always known this - his friends always take the piss out of him for being a tightwad... I think I've just let it get too far at this stage and need to stop putting my hand in my pocket.

Thanks for the advice everyone

Why does he think he needs to wait for his housemates to mention it? Why don't you mention it to them? Why did you give them your card when the delivery came? His friends may take the piss out of him for being a tightwad but they seemed happy to take advantage of you too.

December2012

If his mates think he's a tightwad then he probably is.

Ande1975

moses23 wrote: »

It was a takeaway for everyone and it ended up being put on my card....
I broached the subject yesterday... all he said was "Ah, they haven't mentioned it, I'm sure there'll be other takeaways"
If this was the other way around and him forking out for my housemates (wouldn't happen, but anyway), he would have to get his money back.

I've always known this - his friends always take the piss out of him for being a tightwad... I think I've just let it get too far at this stage and need to stop putting my hand in my pocket.

Thanks for the advice everyone

I feel for you OP - but he is taking the absolute Michael out of you. Its only thing being mean but he doesn't appear to be anyway grateful. Its become a standard.
I hate to say this but when I read this post I thought, is it possible his housemates gave him the money but he pocketed it?

Sit on your hands from now on.

Katgurl

Ande1975 wrote: »

I feel for you OP - but he is taking the absolute Michael out of you. Its only thing being mean but he doesn't appear to be anyway grateful. Its become a standard.
I hate to say this but when I read this post I thought, is it possible his housemates gave him the money but he pocketed it?

Sit on your hands from now on.

Ugh that's exactly what I thought too.

OP, he sounds like a mean pr!ck. I can barely cope with friends i see occasionally with this trait let alone a partner. I had a boyfriend who smiled and waited for me to pay into a club one night, it was the first sign of his attitude and i wish i'd copped it then because he saw me as a pot of gold for as long as i tolerated it.

Seriously - this is ridiculous behaviour. "I'll pay you back" and then he never does yet books weekends away with his mates. You are being a complete doormat.

I'm so irritated by this I'm tempted to suggest you present him with an invoice for the many many times he has taken the pi$$ with you financially. Honestly, I don't know how you can stay with someone who behaves like that. If his mates also slag him about this, it's definitely not in your imagination.

Anyway, as presumably you want to continue this relationship, you would probably be best to write off all the money you've spent so far and make sure things are different going forward.

For a start - i'd ask the housemates directly for the money. Nobody would honestly expect you to just pick up the bill so you are well within your rights to ask. How dare he say "there will be other takeaways" when it's your money being spent? Don't tell him you're going to ask either. And btw OP if you find out they did give him the money I honestly would be thinking about leaving him - he's basically robbed you.

In all other situations, I would just take a firm stand. If you go into the bar, sit down smile and tell him what you'd like to drink so you are not stuck with the extra round (scabs are incredible at timing this sort of thing). If he's just so good at disappearing when its his round (grabbing the phone, coincidentally stepping out for a fag jsut when your glasses are empty) then go to the bar and buy yourself one.

Make your point and stick to it. He has taken advantage of you because you let him. You've told him you'd like to be treated and he's ignored you because he is only interested in doing / spending as much as he can get away with.

Colser

Agree totally with Katgurl..
What a miserable tight git..I would stop completely paying for stuff OP as he has totally taken the piss. Dont pay for one more thing and see where the relationship goes from there.I hate to say it but people like this rarely change and I feel angry reading this as you seem like a really generous person who is being completely taken advatage of..dont pay again and do not feel bad about it.

Merkin

moses23 wrote: »

It was a takeaway for everyone and it ended up being put on my card....
I broached the subject yesterday... all he said was "Ah, they haven't mentioned it, I'm sure there'll be other takeaways"

What the ACTUAL hell?! I hate to say it but your boyfriend really isn't the wonderful person you think he is because the above statement shows absolutely zero respect for you I'm afraid. This is more than just being a tightwad (which for me personally is the one trait I really couldn't stand in a partner), this is about him playing you for a fool and having no regard for you or your money. Any decent person in this situation would make sure you got the money back immediately. You need to go directly to those housemates and ask for the money and I also echo not telling your boyfriend, it's a distinct possibility he was reimbursed and already has it lodged in the bank account with his holy communion money.

To be honest I'd be reassessing the whole relationship because I feel this is less about him being a tightwad and more about him taking the absolute p1ss out of someone who is evidently an easy target. And I do sympathise because I'm generous to a fault but with age and maturity you get to spot the hangers on and this chap sounds like one.

Lou.m

OP getting you to pay for your friends means possibly he told them you are a soft touch and they are mocking you.

'Listen lads the girlfriend will pay, i have her well trained' etc etc.


Often in groups of friends if there is one person with a good job they are taken advantage of.

He should like you for you not what you can provide.

If you were dating a guy in this situation and you and your girls were out and would you put all your and their drinks on his card ?

NO WAY.

Because you would not want him to feel used. Because you are decent.

Penny Tration

What a tight git.

That said, I do think it's extremely silly of you to pay for everyone's dinner on your card. Couldn't you have said 'yeah, I'll pay for it on the card, so can you all grab your money for me and I'll do it all through the card to make it handier?' Maybe something you could think about doing in future.

In general though, your boyfriend is being a cheap, stingy man. If there are massive differences in income, I can understand one paying more, but he's taking the P now. I earn more than my bf, and he also has a lot more out-goings than I do. He still insists on paying his way as much as he can (for example, if we go out twice in a week, I'll pay once, he'll pay once, mine might be slightly more expensive, but he tries to pay half of the difference too!).

What your boyfriend is doing is milking you, like a cash cow.

Take a step back. Stop paying for things. Or, if you both decide to go to a movie, or order food, have YOUR share ready, and say to him 'have you got your money, I only brought what I needed for my stuff?' see how quickly he'll run when he sees you refusing to finance him.

December2012

Lou.m wrote: »

OP getting you to pay for your friends means possibly he told them you are a soft touch and they are mocking you.

'Listen lads the girlfriend will pay, i have her well trained' etc etc..

If say it's more likely that the lads are sick of getting taken for a ride and therefore when the opportunity came up for their tightwad mates girlfriend to pay they took advantage because he takes advantage of them, and they see her as an extension of him.

Lou.m

December2012 wrote: »

If say it's more likely that the lads are sick of getting taken for a ride and therefore when the opportunity came up for their tightwad mates girlfriend to pay they took advantage because he takes advantage of them, and they see her as an extension of him.

Possibly.

Neither scenario shows him in good light though which is the main point.