Time off for Dad after the birth

contrary_mary · 23-04-2014 2:54pm #1

All going well we'll be welcoming our first baby in just over a month. At the moment I'm scheduled in for a c-section and it is looking more and more unlikely that this plan will change unfortunately.

My OH plans to take 2-3 weeks off if possible - the majority of that will be unpaid leave. The section is scheduled for a Tuesday - obviously he will take that day off - but we're wondering if he should go back to work then for a couple of days and save the time off for when we're back at home? He feels weird about it, and I like the idea of him being around the hospital to keep me company, but I'm wondering if it's an awful waste of leave? A few people have said there's no point in him being off when I'm in hospital, but I'd love to hear some real life experiences?

January · 23-04-2014 2:59pm

contrary_mary wrote: »

All going well we'll be welcoming our first baby in just over a month. At the moment I'm scheduled in for a c-section and it is looking more and more unlikely that this plan will change unfortunately.

My OH plans to take 2-3 weeks off if possible - the majority of that will be unpaid leave. The section is scheduled for a Tuesday - obviously he will take that day off - but we're wondering if he should go back to work then for a couple of days and save the time off for when we're back at home? He feels weird about it, and I like the idea of him being around the hospital to keep me company, but I'm wondering if it's an awful waste of leave? A few people have said there's no point in him being off when I'm in hospital, but I'd love to hear some real life experiences?

You'll need him around the hospital to help you out, when you want to go for a shower or nap he can look after baby.

tazwaz · 23-04-2014 3:02pm

contrary_mary wrote: »

All going well we'll be welcoming our first baby in just over a month. At the moment I'm scheduled in for a c-section and it is looking more and more unlikely that this plan will change unfortunately.

My OH plans to take 2-3 weeks off if possible - the majority of that will be unpaid leave. The section is scheduled for a Tuesday - obviously he will take that day off - but we're wondering if he should go back to work then for a couple of days and save the time off for when we're back at home? He feels weird about it, and I like the idea of him being around the hospital to keep me company, but I'm wondering if it's an awful waste of leave? A few people have said there's no point in him being off when I'm in hospital, but I'd love to hear some real life experiences?

we had our first baby a year and a half ago and from our experience I can say my partner practically lived at my bedside doting on his child, really getting a chance to bond with him. and also I was able to go for a shower/snooze without worrying about the baby needing a feed etc so I would say it's not a waste of time off. it's his baby too and the men need the chance to bond with him/her as well :-)

ted1 · 23-04-2014 3:05pm

If your breastfeeding there's not much work for the dad to do.

Baby sleeps, baby feds, baby poops, and back to sleep.

in my opinion if everthing goes smoothly and your mobile after your section then the Dad i s better off at work and can take time off to bind when the baby is older and the dad can take the baby away from the mother to give here a break.

Bosley1421 · 23-04-2014 3:10pm

Having my husband with me was essential. It can be such a support, especially if it's your first baby.

TimeToShine · 23-04-2014 3:21pm

Kinda OT but are fathers not allowed take any "maternity leave" so to speak even for a few days to see their newborn without it being unpaid?

January · 23-04-2014 3:24pm

TimeToShine wrote: »

Kinda OT but are fathers not allowed take any "maternity leave" so to speak even for a few days to see their newborn without it being unpaid?

There is no entitlement to paternity leave in Ireland at the moment, some companies do offer it though, usually a week or two.

December2012 · 23-04-2014 3:25pm

I think of you're breast feeding you still need your partner - you need to nap, shower, eat, baby needs to be changed and held. I had a section and my husband took time off to be with me in hospital because I'm still immediately post surgery.

But three weeks later you're not immediately post surgery.

And baby wants cuddles from daddy too!

addob · 23-04-2014 3:26pm

I think my husband did nothing but run around with a list of errands while i was in hospital after my C-section. I needed him especially when things weren't going as planned and I was really down. Even just being the one to provide updates to the family and to entertain my in-laws when then came to visit...

January · 23-04-2014 3:30pm

ted1 wrote: »

If your breastfeeding there's not much work for the dad to do.

Baby sleeps, baby feds, baby poops, and back to sleep.

in my opinion if everthing goes smoothly and your mobile after your section then the Dad i s better off at work and can take time off to bind when the baby is older and the dad can take the baby away from the mother to give here a break.

God, I wish I had magic babies like that.

lazygal · 23-04-2014 3:41pm

My husband took time off when I got home. I called on the nurses for help after the sections and my mum came in during the day. I was grand after a day or so to mind baby. I needed himself at home more than in hospital.

Hannibal Smith · 23-04-2014 3:45pm

Oh that's a really tough one! I needed my husband in the hospital with me. I would have gone demented only for him. He even had to do an underwear shop for me after the first for something that would come up over the scar lol

I was in for 3 weeks and 2 weeks respectively after both sections, but that was due to bp issues so by the time I got home his leave was used up. After the first my mum moved in for a week...that didn't go too well

But I can't remember what happened after the second.

If you have another family member that you can count on to come in and help keep you sane while you shower/nap/eat, then taking the time after would really be best so he could help you at home. There are plenty of nurses and midwives around, but they are so busy I never liked asking them.

lazygal · 23-04-2014 3:55pm

I had no problem asking them for assistance. That's their job. We're all busy in work.

efb · 23-04-2014 3:57pm

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/employment/employment_rights_and_conditions/leave_and_holidays/paternity_leave.html

Sligo1 · 23-04-2014 3:59pm

ted1 wrote: »

If your breastfeeding there's not much work for the dad to do.

Baby sleeps, baby feds, baby poops, and back to sleep.

in my opinion if everthing goes smoothly and your mobile after your section then the Dad i s better off at work and can take time off to bind when the baby is older and the dad can take the baby away from the mother to give here a break.

I Agree with ted here. My husband was there for the day baby was born but tbh I didn't really need him the following days if I'm honest. This was the same for my first birth (17 months ago) and my most recent (4 weeks ago). He came to the hospital every day straight after work and stayed until around 9pm. Brought me everything I needed then and got to spend loads of time with baby and me then.

If you need help showering etc the midwives and health care assistants are there to help. Now I must stress I had normal deliveries and not c-secs and I'm aware of the major impact these have for the first few weeks after delivery so perhaps my situation is completely different and you may need more care while ur in hospital. But I would've really thought the midwives and hcas could help you with this...

It was invaluable for me to have my husband home for as long as possible after I arrived home when there was nobody else there to help me in those first few weeks. He ran all the errands, did the shopping and helped with night feeds even tho i was and still am breast feeding.For me, I personally would've thought if he had taken 3-5 days off while I was in hospital it would have been a total waste. And just remember if you are sectioned you will not be able to drive for a few weeks so having OH at home may be integral to your sanity if ye need or want to get out (if u both drive that is).

Pawwed Rig · 23-04-2014 4:05pm

I went back to work the day after Junior was born as I figured my time would be more valuable when Mrs came home rather than when she was in the hospital with all the support that they offer there.

OT rant - Absolute scandal that there is no time off for Dads in this country. It is totally devalues the role of a father.

kandr10 · 23-04-2014 4:45pm

You don't know what kind of baby you're going to have - how well they'll feed, sleep etc, how well you and your partner will adjust and heal after the section. For that reason I'd get him to stAy off work while you're in hospital. I found my husbands support invaluable over those few days.

Dravokivich · 23-04-2014 4:50pm

A few peole suggested I should keep up work the first few days while she was recovering in hospital. I tell ya, with all the back and forth from the hospital and home, grabbing stuff to be cleaned and bringing in cleaned stuff, ot was tiring enough. Wouldnt of had the time for work.

You'll need him to be available for the simplest of things that never would occurr to either of ye until it comes up.

John Mason · 23-04-2014 4:52pm

My husband is getting 3 days paid parental leave, I would much rather he takes them when I get home but I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.

Moonbeam · 23-04-2014 5:07pm

When my 1st was born my husband took a day off , I did not really need him for anything .
I think it depends on how generally useful he is to you , if he will cook , clean , change nappies etc then it will be great to have him at home esp after a c section when you will be sore .
As for the hospital it depends if they do not have the staff there to help you and lift baby for feeds etc then you will need someone there with you to help you with everything , I have seen people literally able to do nothing after them .

seamus · 23-04-2014 5:10pm

My wife did not cope well in the hospital after her C-section really. I was pretty much in the hospital with her from 9am till kicking out time as baba wasn't sleeping and would scream bloody murder if left on her own while my wife tried to pee or anything. Also moving around after a C-section isn't the easiest thing in the world, so being confined to a bed and trying to look after a baby (changing, cleaning up the inevitable poo explosions, etc), isn't the easiest.
She hates hospitals anyway, so just being there at all annoyed her, which doesn't help.

In hindsight we both recognise that she should have just pushed the call button all the time, but she felt like she didn't want to bother the midwives. Which meant that after the first night she felt like she'd been abandoned, but we realise now that in the hospital if you don't ask, you don't get, and you just need to press that damn button whenever you need help instead of trying to struggle through it on your own.

From listening to some women in the hospital, attitudes vary. Some women find it a bit of a break and will hang in there for a week or more as a bit of a holiday while other people mind their other children and their husbands aren't fussing around. Other women have no desire to sit around in a hospital at all and can't wait to be discharged and go home.

sopretty · 23-04-2014 5:14pm

While you're in hospital, you have nurses/doctors/reassurance/expertise. When you go home, you have no-one except a new baby (it would be great if you had your husband for those few days). Tell him to save the days for when you're home. I say that as a single parent who asked to be kept in an extra night in hospital, rather than going home. My consultant had no problem.
Your husband can come in to visit while you're in hospital. Him being there all day every day probably won't be tolerated anyway! 'Visitors' were ran, in my day (9 years ago) at Mammy's sleeping times.

January · 23-04-2014 5:18pm

seamus wrote: »

My wife did not cope well in the hospital after her C-section really. I was pretty much in the hospital with her from 9am till kicking out time as baba wasn't sleeping and would scream bloody murder if left on her own while my wife tried to pee or anything. Also moving around after a C-section isn't the easiest thing in the world, so being confined to a bed and trying to look after a baby (changing, cleaning up the inevitable poo explosions, etc), isn't the easiest.
She hates hospitals anyway, so just being there at all annoyed her, which doesn't help.

In hindsight we both recognise that she should have just pushed the call button all the time, but she felt like she didn't want to bother the midwives. Which meant that after the first night she felt like she'd been abandoned, but we realise now that in the hospital if you don't ask, you don't get, and you just need to press that damn button whenever you need help instead of trying to struggle through it on your own.

From listening to some women in the hospital, attitudes vary. Some women find it a bit of a break and will hang in there for a week or more as a bit of a holiday while other people mind their other children and their husbands aren't fussing around. Other women have no desire to sit around in a hospital at all and can't wait to be discharged and go home.

I remember the night after my c section (I still couldn't move, some women are up and about within hours, some are out of it for days, I do not remember any of the pictures taken or really the first two days after my c section as I was so hopped up on morphine), my little one was crying for a feed and I couldn't get out of bed to get her, I pressed the call button but it was a half hour before anyone came near me, in the meantime a lovely lady in the bed next to me got my baby for me. It was horrible.

January · 23-04-2014 5:20pm

sopretty wrote: »

While you're in hospital, you have nurses/doctors/reassurance/expertise. When you go home, you have no-one except a new baby (it would be great if you had your husband for those few days). Tell him to save the days for when you're home. I say that as a single parent who asked to be kept in an extra night in hospital, rather than going home. My consultant had no problem.
Your husband can come in to visit while you're in hospital. Him being there all day every day probably won't be tolerated anyway! 'Visitors' were ran, in my day (9 years ago) at Mammy's sleeping times.

In the Rotunda and Holles St (not sure about the hospitals outside Dublin) partners are welcome from 9.00am-9.00pm, in the Coombe, partners are asked to leave at meal times.

Him being there all day is generally tolerated pretty well.

contrary_mary · 23-04-2014 5:43pm

Thanks for all the interesting perspectives; I'm not sure it's making the decision any easier though! I will talk to OH tonight and see what his preference is. He's in a contract role so unfortunately won't get any paternal leave but he has a few days of annual leave worked up and his current company seem pretty sound about him taking some extra days unpaid.

I won't be having anyone else in the hospital with me, just the grandparents visiting in the evenings. I'd love to have him there with me, but the driving issue is going to feel like a massive deal afterwards so that's a consideration too.

Any additional experiences welcome - they're giving me plenty to think about!

Daintydoll1 · 23-04-2014 6:20pm

I had a c-section 9 weeks ago. My partner took the day of the section & the following day off work & then went back to work. He took 5 days off when baby & I came home.
In an ideal world he'd have been with us every day in the hospital but he was really under pressure to take as little time off as possible. I found it fine in the hospital, a bit lonely but was able to manage ok. Definitely needed him more when we got out...things like walking up the stairs can be tough so had him running around like a blue arsed fly! Three weeks is a good long time for your partner to be off so I'd say have him around while you're in hospital. However it's not the worse thing in the world if he's not in hospital all the time & is there for 3 weeks when you get out. I'd call that a good trade off!
Best of luck with delivery! :-)

kandr10 · 23-04-2014 6:23pm

I think there are so many variables. Why not as a compromise try to put aside for a few days in hospital just in case but try to see how you manage with himself going back to work the day after the baby's born until you get home?

Hannibal Smith · 23-04-2014 6:57pm

lazygal wrote: »

I had no problem asking them for assistance. That's their job. We're all busy in work.

Different strokes and all that

December2012 · 23-04-2014 7:07pm

Of course you should ask for help - but even going private you have to wait.

ted1 · 23-04-2014 7:38pm

January wrote: »

God, I wish I had magic babies like that.

We were blessed with 2 sleepers. from Day 1, they slept from about 22:30 -07:30 and from day one we never tip toed around so they got use to sleeping through noises which meant we could have friends over etc and not worry about noise.

I know how karma works and i'm not looking forward to them as teenage girls

I'll have plenty of sleepless nights then.

sopretty · 23-04-2014 7:41pm

ted1 wrote: »

We were blessed with 2 sleepers. from Day 1, they slept from about 22:30 -07:30 and from day one we never tip toed around so they got use to sleeping through noises which meant we could have friends over etc and not worry about noise.

I know how karma works and i'm not looking forward to them as teenage girls

I'll have plenty of sleepless nights then.

I would second getting them used to noise!!! Also have been blessed with a brilliant sleeper!

staticdoor71 · 23-04-2014 7:49pm

I would have been lost without my partner being in there with me. He usually came in about 2 until kicking out time. Was no point in him coming before hand as docs were doing the rounds and brekky and lunch.

Yes I did use the buzzer too but as others have said it won't be a quick reply

I found loneliness my hardest obstacle. I was 5 days in after a natural delivery and found myself ringing him crying to come in on the 4th day (baby blues had set in)

Again depends on how useful you think he might be? I caught up on sleep. Had a shower..ate. ..He was great with her.

I know needs after a section will be different.. can you play it by ear...see how you do post delivery?

monflat · 23-04-2014 7:54pm

It really depends on you as a person as your first of course its al new to you.
If you do plan on breastfeeding its more than just feeding as thatis your job but it does get exhausting and it csn be intense.
It depends on the baby too how baby is and how well it settles.

You need your husband there to cook clean and serve you in those difficult few weeks.

Nodoubt as your first you l have lots of visitors and he needs to be there to help you.

Also just to keep in mind regards the hospital he could be a valuable asset to have as you will be in a good bit of discomfort after despite pain relief.
Your hormones may play havoc and you may need him as a support.

I had two emmergency c s and having a planned one thiis yr
My hormones didnt wait till day three to crash they went downwards on day two and stayed down for a few days. !!!
You need him at home too if you can afford it only happens when you have a new baby take as much leave as he can .

lazygal · 23-04-2014 8:07pm

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Different strokes and all that

What do you mean by that? I'd expect nursing staff to assist any patients who've had major abdominal surgery. If you don't ask for help of course you'll be assumed to not need any.

monflat · 23-04-2014 8:10pm

lazygal wrote: »

What do you mean by that? I'd expect nursing staff to assist any patients who've had major abdominal surgery. If you don't ask for help of course you'll be assumed to not need any.

I must admit the midwives in kk were absolutly excellent. I cant fault any of them

They were there to assist me any time i asked . Even though they were flat out.

lazygal · 23-04-2014 8:13pm

monflat wrote: »

I must admit the midwives in kk were absolutly excellent. I cant fault any of them

They were there to assist me any time i asked . Even though they were flat out.

I had to ask for help a few times in HS but I was always assisted within a short time. Surely part of their busy day is helping patients who need it?! Anyway I know from experience that staff will leave you to your own devices if you don't ask for help.

monflat · 23-04-2014 8:17pm

lazygal wrote: »

I had to ask for help a few times in HS but I was always assisted within a short time. Surely part of their busy day is helping patients who need it?! Anyway I know from experience that staff will leave you to your own devices if you don't ask for help.

Of course they assist people who need it.
It is part of their job and thats why. One midwife was allocated to 4 women where i was.
However there will be times in the day where one has to cover breaks etc deal with doctors write up notes etc.
I cant praise them highly enough they were brilliant .

lazygal · 23-04-2014 8:19pm

monflat wrote: »

Of course they assist people who need it.
It is part of their job and thats why. One midwife was allocated to 4 women where i was.
I cant praise them highly enough they were brilliant .

That's the point. I don't get why people wouldn't ask for help because the nurses or midwives are busy. They'll be busy helping you after a section if you ask.

monflat · 23-04-2014 8:21pm

lazygal wrote: »

That's the point. I don't get why people wouldn't ask for help because the nurses or midwives are busy. They'll be busy helping you after a section if you ask.

Possibly they met one who was actually busy- didnt meet their needs at that time and then gave up asking.?

I have got wiser thou as time goes on !

lazygal · 23-04-2014 8:24pm

monflat wrote: »

Possibly they met one who was actually busy- didnt meet their needs at that time and then gave up asking.?

I have got wiser thou as time goes on !

The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Childbirth and postpartum shenanigans are not the time to be a shrinking violet.

December2012 · 23-04-2014 8:29pm

I was far from a shrinking violet. I needed their help, I could not move (emergency cs). But they only helped when they got around to it.

cyning · 23-04-2014 8:39pm

Op would him taking half days be an option? In Kerry dads aren't allowed in until 12 the mornings are busy with docs etc around anyway.

I needed my husband around: I had a normal delivery and no epidural on my second so was up and walking around. But there was no one there to mind my baby while I went for a shower: I did ask believe me. Emotionally I needed the support too. Everyone is different though.

sopretty · 23-04-2014 8:47pm

December2012 wrote: »

I was far from a shrinking violet. I needed their help, I could not move (emergency cs). But they only helped when they got around to it.

I suspect we may have been in the same hospital.

pwurple · 23-04-2014 9:25pm

lazygal wrote: »

The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Childbirth and postpartum shenanigans are not the time to be a shrinking violet.

This really depends on the area and the hospital. First baby I was on a floor with a pure wagon of a midwife. I had burst stitches, couldn't move, baby crying beside me at 4am, couldn't get to her. I buzzed a few times over 20 minutes before I used my mobile to phone the hospital and get put through to the nurses station. The midwife came down like a bat out of hell and told me not to be bothering her. Her exact words were "babies don't die of crying". Absolute f-ing Witch. Don't know why she was in that job as she clearly hated it.

Second baby, different floor, there was a sign up on the wall saying "please use your buzzers, staff are here to help". They were a bunch of angels, appeared on the dot of when you were due a pain relief top-up. Asked if you wanted help with anything. I buzzed once, cathedar bag was full and was about to start leaking. They were there in a jiffy.

On when husband takes time off... It depends on your support network. Mine took a week off after the birth. But, my mum was there then, and my dad and other relatives popped in to help as well. The following week, when they were all gone would have been much more useful.

seamus · 23-04-2014 9:27pm

January wrote: »

In the Rotunda and Holles St (not sure about the hospitals outside Dublin) partners are welcome from 9.00am-9.00pm

Even then, you might get wiggle room. On night 2 my wife had a complete nightmare, neither her nor the baby got any sleep, a catheter bag from another patient spilled all over the floor of the room and wasn't cleaned up for 4 hours (so she couldn't get out of the bed to pee, herself). So I got a tearful 6am phone call and I was in the Rotunda @ 7:30. Security didn't even blink when I walked in. Likewise that night I was there till after midnight, just pulled the curtains and stayed quiet, nobody said a word to us.

plasteritup · 23-04-2014 9:34pm

only read the op but i would not have wanted to go to work after my son was born,my partner had a natural birth and she says she would not have managed without me there,can remember her being really stressed trying to get our fella to latch on aswell,he wont want to miss those magic first few days either,it is time he doesnt get back remember,**** work.

Drdoc · 23-04-2014 9:48pm

Maybe I'm a complete pansy but I definitely wanted my husband there after the birth of my boy. It was a normal delivery but I was an emotional mess and felt like crying when he'd leave in the evening and made him promise to be back in at 8 the next morning. I just felt so vulnerable and overwhelmed without him.

plasteritup · 23-04-2014 9:52pm

Drdoc wrote: »

Maybe I'm a complete pansy but I definitely wanted my husband there after the birth of my boy. It was a normal delivery but I was an emotional mess and felt like crying when he'd leave in the evening and made him promise to be back in at 8 the next morning. I just felt so vulnerable and overwhelmed without him.

my partner was the same,i also dont think i could have worked anyway.

December2012 · 23-04-2014 10:10pm

Drdoc wrote: »

Maybe I'm a complete pansy but I definitely wanted my husband there after the birth of my boy. It was a normal delivery but I was an emotional mess and felt like crying when he'd leave in the evening and made him promise to be back in at 8 the next morning. I just felt so vulnerable and overwhelmed without him.

I don't think you're a pansy. My first time was very traumatic but even if it hadn't been the main person that I wanted to see, to help me, to share those first experiences was the man who had been with me through the whole pregnancy, who came to my appointments, saved his money, sympathised with me and shared the whole experience with me.

Not my mam or sisters, not an in law, but my husband, my baby's daddy.

December2012 · 23-04-2014 10:11pm

plasteritup wrote: »

my partner was the same,i also dont think i could have worked anyway.

This was true for my husband - he didn't want to be away from us.

Chara1001 · 23-04-2014 11:13pm

I had a section also, and the baby's dad was there, but there wasn't much for him to do.

The others in the ward and I would take turns to watch over the babies while the mums went for showers, so there wasn't much that he needed to be there to help with- generally he felt a bit useless unfortunately. He brought things in that we needed which was brilliant, but if you have people coming in to visit regularly while you're in hospital could they bring some things- or even when he comes in before/ after work, he could bring you what you need anyway?

I would imagine you would need the help and moral support more so when you arrived home. There's less pressure also in the hospital at there's plenty of people around to answer your questions, but at home you're suddenly in the deep end and it's a bit tough when you go from loads of people around to you on your own.

Time off for Dad after the birth

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