Facebook Issue

scared_silly

I know a Facebook issue.

My gf removed me as her Facebook relationship, it now just says "In a relationship".

Some context:

We've been going out a couple months, it was bumpy at the start (we both have our reasons). Not that we don't still have bumps but they appear to be a lot less frequent as time has gone on.

Facebook is a big deal for her, she spends a lot of time on it, talking to friends, updating her status daily, etc. Her social life revolves around Facebook events and she does work through it from time to time too.

When we decided to make it official, we both set our relationship status as "in a relationship". When things were bumpy at the start, she decided to remove her status (not to single but private, same affect but it doesn't pop up on your timeline). I took it as she decided to break up with me and I texted her about it and she said I was overreacting and she changed it because she felt like it, then changed it back instantly. I let it go.

A couple of weeks later, randomly she removes it again. So I change mine and message her saying "it's cool, hope well still be friends" and went to bed. Woke up the next morning to a couple of texts and she has already changed hers back. I wanted to meet up and discuss before I changed mine back. So we went to lunch and I asked her did she want to be in a relationship with me, she said yes. So I asked her why did she change it? She never gave me a really gave me a proper answer, I ended up changing mine back too.

About a month ago. We got in an argument. Because of the industry she works in she gets a lot of male "friends" messaging her with questionable motives and i hated it. The argument was that i felt she should ignore these people. She does message them back but very minimally like they would send about 10 messages over a period of time and she would ignore and then they would say "hope you had a good weekend" and she would reply "I did, hope you did too", then another 10 messages from the guy over time and so on. She says it's mostly out of politeness because some of them she will meet in real life and didn't want it to be awkward. I do believe it's a lot out of politeness but I do know she likes the attention a bit too. She showed me the messages and there was nothing inappropriate from her. So I asked her if she was committed to me and she would change the relationship status to "In a relationship with John Smith", she said yeah no problem. It was jealously on my part but I felt it would back the creeps off a bit. It is important to me and it showed she is committed to the relationship by making this effort. She has cut down the messaging of her "friends" even more but she says, she can't completely avoid it and i said fair enough.

The last month or so has been really good, no issues. We had a really good weekend. Then Sunday night i see my relationship status is no longer "In a relationship with Jane Smith" but "In a relationship" and so was her status. So she removed me from her status.

She rang me later Sunday night about an unrelated topic, i decided not to bring it up because i wanted some time to process it, also i didn't have the energy to get into an argument. I don't know if she knew i saw the change and she was ringing to see my reaction or the call on an unrelated topic was genuine.

I do believe I trust her but her changing her relationship status does put strain on that trust.

There are a couple of issues here:
1.There is some reason out there that she has to remove it that is greater than my feelings or her commitment to the relationship
2. After all the BS we've had with FB relationship status, she wants to go there again, wtf?
3. This was important to me and she completely disregarded for my feelings

I haven't confronted her yet, but to be honest, i'm so annoyed that i think it may end the relationship unless there is a really good reason which i doubt because even if she changes it back, this will probably happen again in the future. I have a feeling the conversation will go "Oh sorry, let me change it back", Me: "Why did u change it?", her: "Lame reason that makes no sense", if it goes like that, i think i'm done.


I have a couple of questions to ask for some perspective.

Am I overreacting?
Why would somebody change their relationship status like this?

Time Now Please

Ask yourself, how did people communicate before Facebook, That fecken 'LIKE' button on facebook has caused an awaful lot of disputes between people, and all it is is a button.

banana.

Normally I would say don't read into things on Facebook but I don't think you're over-reacting as such because she's obviously doing it for a reason, one that she won't tell you.. Is it possible that she's just doing it for attention? As in, to see whether you'll take notice or not? It's pretty childish.. The way she changes it back immediately after you mention it to her implies she just wants a bit of attention, in my opinion.. And also I get that impression from her ringing you on Sunday right after she did it, as if testing you to see if you noticed.

I don't think there's much more to it in terms of those guys she talks to, because if she was doing it for their benefit, well it doesn't seem as if they care that she has a boyfriend if they keep talking to her so I don't think her changing her relationship status would make much of a difference to them! I know if it was me, I'd be questioning the person's commitment to me, stupid as it sounds because it is just Facebook after all! But if she was genuinely committed and happy with you, wouldn't she want to keep the relationship status there for everyone to see? I know I would. I would suggest speaking to her about it and call her out on how childish it is. Tell her that you can't keep going around in circles with it and that if she keeps doing it, you'll end it (as you've suggested in your post).

Or you could both maybe just agree to keep your relationship statuses off Facebook altogether, then none of this would happen. I know you think having the status there lets these guys know she's with someone - but tbh if she's trustworthy, it'll make no difference because she won't go near them anyway.

beks101

Christ, that was painful. Thank Jesus my OH isn't on facebook if this is the way forward for 21st century relationships :rolleyes:

To be blunt: your OH loves the male attention and is minimizing her relationship status so it appears ambiguous to all her facebook 'admirers', thus the ego boost continues.

And you sound about as secure as a hole in the head. Are you always this way, or has it been ramped up by your gf's head wrecking behaviour?

Lots of puzzlers here. Are ye both teenagers? And what does this woman work as that it's her 'job' to placate and string along masses of random creepy men??

scared_silly

@beks101

I agree with you for the most part but i think its more than a little condescending to call us teenagers just because its a Facebook issue. Facebook is how a lot of people communicate.

For the record, I'm late 20's, she's earlish 20's. I do feel she is a little immature tho.

Myself, yes i have my insecurities but i think this relationship is over exaggerating them and thats also partly the reason its got to the stage I'd end the relationship over this issue.

@banana I think you posted exactly how i feel about the issue.

Merkin

scared_silly wrote: »

For the record, I'm late 20's, she's earlish 20's. I do feel she is a little immature tho.

:eek: Eh hello? Is that Pot? It's Kettle on Line Three for you there......

Seriously? I'm staggered, I thought at a push you were both around fifteen or sixteen.

Seriously, both of you need to get a serious grip on reality, wean yourselves off social networks for a while as your collective virtual existence sounds really quite toxic and damaging and maybe spend some time communicating with each other in person.

greeno

Sounds to me like there's someone else in the mix and she's happy to have 'in a relationship' just not your name

LegacyUser

Myself and my bf deleted our fb pages and it was the best thing we ever did. It's actually madness how peoples lives revolve around it, it causes massive fall outs in relationships and I just generally think it's bad news. If I was behaving like that with my bf, he would tell me to jog on. How head wrecking is that!

Maybe take a break from fb for a while? It did me the world of good and I doubt I'll go back on it. I've been much happier without it. And I just want to add I agree with Merkin, it is completely childish carry on.

Hannibal Smith

Why are you so bothered about how you appear on Facebook? Did you meet online? I find it astounding that you would think your relationship is over because she changed her relationship status?? Do you communicate well in general in the relationship?

Maybe she's doing it all for a reaction from you...but seriously if the two of you are such mind game players I can't see how you're compatible at all. you'll just continuously wreck each others head.

I cant imagine ever texting a boy/girlfriend with 'fine I hope we can still be friends' because they changed their relationship status on Facebook!

Flippyfloppy

Jeepers. If you evaluate your relationship through Facebook there is a problem.

Does it exist in real life at all?

Do you actually check your relationship status on Facebook to see if you're still going out?

Penny Tration

With the way the both of you are acting, i also thought ye were teenagers tbh. My boyfriend's Facebook status is 'single' and mine is something stupid I set it to ages ago. Doesn't mean we're not in a relationship, but neither of us feel the need to change it. Our friends and family know we're together, so why announce it to Facebook?

The way you texted her, essentially ending things when she changed her status is nuts tbh. Have you ever dealt with your insecurities, or do you expect people you date to pander to them like this?

That said, there's obviously a reason she keepa changing her status. Has she told you why? If she won't tell you, what are you going to do? You obviously don't trust her. What's a relationship without trust?

Tokyo

Can I remind everyone that the point of the PI/RI forums is to provide help, and just because an issue isn't important to you, doesn't mean it's not important to the OP. Or to quote the charter:

Any advice given should be mature, constructive and non-abusive. Opinions are welcome. Ridicule and nastiness are not.

Regards,
Mike

dark crystal

There's head games being played here. If you've repeatedly explained to her that your name being in her relationship status is important to you, yet she keeps removing it, then she's doing it for a reason.

Does she have photographs of you and her together on her page? Does she chat about you and things you do together on her public newsfeed? If not, it could be that she doesn't want one or more people knowing she's with you and that would ring alarm bells for me. Without knowing what it is she does for a living, I can't really comment on why she is required to talk to various men on a regular basis, but perhaps that has something to do with it too.

Either way, it really doesn't sound like maturity is a strong point in this relationship. When mistrust, mind games and petty arguments become a regular occurrence, it's time to question whether it's really all worth it.

P. Breathnach

Perhaps she is one of those people who can't resist fidgeting with her facebook page. Does she change her profile picture and cover photo frequently?

MugMugs

Sounds to me that your GF likes a bit of drama.

I like drama too. I get my fix from Corrie. Lifes way too short for this kind of bull OP.

I'd be cutting my losses here and getting out of dodge if I were you.

retro:electro

Tbh you both sound as bad as each other.. You texting her saying hope we can still be friends after you noticed she changed it? Do you even have a relationship outside of the realms of technology? You both sounds insecure and immature and you both need to reevaluate your "relationship status".

scared_silly

Thanks Mike_ie, I was more than a little pissed off going to bed last night after reading Merkin's post.

I knew the Facebook part would have been laughed at and people would have been focused on that rather than the issue. So much so, I even considered writing the OP removing references to FB but it was impossible.

Yes, amazingly we do have a non-virtual relationship, where we talk in real life, shocking I know. Things have been going really well lately in the real world but now I feel we are back to the same BS.

At the end of the day, like I said Facebook is a big deal to her, it's how she portrays herself to a lot of people and for some reason she doesn't want me as part of it which is what is troubling me.

@greeno we spend so much time together "someone else" seems unlikely but with a situation like this, I can see how that could be considered a possibility.

@P. Breathnach yes, she changes her page constantly like profile pics, cover photos, almost daily status updates, etc

@dark crystal she has a small amount of stuff with me on it, a hell of a lot less than she has of herself and we spend a lot of time and do interesting things together. (I'm not saying the her page shouldn't be majority her stuff but with the amount of stuff we do together and not a lot she posts about, it seems dis-proportionally skewed).
Yes, I believe she doesn't want one or more people knowing, who and why I don’t know, I'm going to give her a chance to explain but I'm not holding my breath and I think I'm ready to move on if the answer isn't I guess satisfactory.

TBH, on the surface it looks like a silly issue and something at this stage in life I didn't think I'd be dealing with. But I feel it boils down to me asking her to do something for me, she doing it, then after a time, changing it back knowing the arguments that will follow.

I like her but don't know if she is worth the hassle anymore and it's not bringing out the best side of me.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP all I can say from your updated post is that you need to ask her outstraight. And she needs to give you an honest answer, you said you asked her before about this and she didnt give you a straight answer - that's not on. You NEED a straight answer because quite obviously it's wrecking your head.

I still stand by what I said in my first post though, fb causes so many rifts in relationships if I was you I'd take a break from it. This is just a personal opinion but I couldnt get romantically involved with anyone who is obsessed with fb. I used to be obsessed with it myself and I'm really glad I deleted my page.

Penny Tration

On the surface, it DOES look like a silly issue, to be fair.

That said, there has to be a reason she keeps deleting you from her status, changing her status, and so on. Does she ever post pics of both of you, or mention places you have been, ormake any rreference to you on fb? I'm not a big fan of facebook, and I don't update my relationship status, but even I have posted a couple of photos of my bf and I with sappy captions.

I suppose you have to ask yourself, is it worth being with someone whose behaviour makes your insecurities worse?

Flippyfloppy

I hope you didn't think I was snubbing the issue.

I'm in my late twenties as well and I just feel that Facebook is largely irrelevant to my life, which is why I don't understand why it would take up so much of your head space.

However, like you said, she uses it for work and is immature and in her early 20's.

There must be a reason she's doing it. Most likely for the drama & messages. And unfortunately you are the pawn at the centre of her online escapade for attention or drama!

I'd say if you did it back to her she'd be upset as fb is so important to her. Don't though, be the bigger person!

Find someone more mature, less superficial and less likely to mess with your head online!

bluemagpie

If FB causes that big an issue in your real life why not just not be friends on it, the problem of it not bringing out the best side in you is then over, after all that is your problem, not hers.

Hannibal Smith

You say Facebook is a big deal to her...clearly it is to you too if you think your relationship balances on it. You think her changing her relationship status is a way of breaking up with you, without her actually communicating it with you first. Thats not how a relationship works.

And you've titled your thread Facebook issue and detailed how much of your issue is specifically related to how she has labelled your relationship on the site.

If its more an issue of her doing something you've asked her not to do, is she doing it after an argument or after you haven't spoken for a while? She shouldn't be trying to wind you up thats a given.

But on the other hand. ..if your relationship is good otherwise and this is the only issue in my opinion its a case of picking your battles. Why would you throw it away because of how she has you pigeon holed on Facebook? Unless she has given you cause not to trust her, its your own insecurities infecting things.

At the end of the day. ..its her Facebook page and she's entitled to have her profile page as she wishes...she is not obliged to label anyone else on it.

gaynorvader

I think it's the virtual equivalent of wearing a sexy outfit when she's on a girls' night out. She wants the attention from the other guys to prop up her ego/self image. It's pretty harmless and totally normal and I think you should try not to make such a big issue out of it to be honest. I know it seems like she's excluding you, but I doubt it seems that way to her.

P. Breathnach

scared_silly wrote: »

...
@P. Breathnach yes, she changes her page constantly like profile pics, cover photos, almost daily status updates, etc....

So she frequently changes the public face she maintains on facebook. I would think that is little more than a fidget, and has no profound meaning.

Concentrate on the real-life dimension of your relationship, and try to ignore unimportant things.

If Facebook is taking up more of your time and your thoughts than it should, or if it's importance is growing greater than face to face communication, just quit for at least a while if not forever.

That OP is a world of immaturity and drama, played out in virtual public for the attention of virtual and actual strangers. It's not a way to live for adults.

allybhoy

Ok, tbh it all sounds a little bit childish and immature, but putting that aside, as a test, why dont you start tagging her in photos or statuses with you when you are doing "interesting things together" they will then appear on her facebook page, if she starts deleting them or causing a row with you for tagging her then its obvious she isnt the one for you. It seems a bit extreme to have to go to those lengths but i think you will find your answer in her reaction

bigpink

Why does she have so many guys "creeps" messaging her?has she a work email

scared_silly

Thanks everybody for taking the time to respond.

I've been conflicted on whether I'm overreacting and I should let it go but I don't think I am.

Everything in real life seems fine but a website where she spends a lot of time and interacts with a bunch of people, she made a change consciously to remove me from her status...I think I need to know why if I'm to be happy to continue with this relationship.

ViveLaVie

This would be a non-issue for me because I don't care about facebook. I'm with my boyfriend a good while now and I only recently took down my relationship status which had previously said 'single' (so there was a good few months when I was actually in a relationship but my facebook said I was single). Now I have nothing up.


I don't want to change it to 'in a relationship' for a few reasons:

A) I'm superstitious about it and don't want to jinx things

If it didn't work out I would feel so embarrassed and filled with dread at the thought of taking it down

C) I am a very private person and don't like the whole world knowing my personal business,

and

D) I am faithful to my boyfriend so I don't think it matters. I don't see why anyone else should be privy to the goings on of my love life via social media.

However, it seems to me that your girlfriend isn't a shy or private person and enjoys splashing every waking moment of her life across facebook. In that case, I do find it a bit strange that she keeps taking it down. I think there could be a few reasons for this:

A) Maybe she hasn't had much luck with relationships before and it's all new to her

She is worried she'll jinx it

C) (And this is the one I believe to be the most likely) She enjoys getting attention off other lads and being pursued and doesn't want to close that down.

If I were you, I would explain firmly that this is very important to you and don't let her fob you off again. Tell her you expect her to give a reason for her actions and if it seems reasonable then maybe agree that you both take your statuses down or, of it seems implausible, tell her it's a deal breaker for you. It seems to be driving you mad.


I'll just re-iterate that for most people it's not a big deal and a status on facebook doesn't define a relationship in the real world, so bear that in mind when you ask her about it.

Heat_Wave

OP I think people are being quite harsh to you here.

Facebook might not be everyone's cup of tea but it does exist, and for someone to continuously change their relationship status like that, it would indeed wreck anyones head.

I think your girlfriend sounds like an absolute drama queen and you would be better off without her tbh, unless you enjoy drama.

December2012

You'll have to just ask her out straight why she changed it.

Ask it in a non confrontational and calm way.

Explain how you feel.

If you want to, ask her to change it.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, follow the advice and ask her outright. Keep it calm and tell her that if she doesn't give you the real reason, you're done with her. Don't get over-dramatic, just state it in a matter-of-fact way. Drama queens hate when you take the spectacle out of things. What's more, her repeated and consistent changing of your status, knowing full well it annoys you, seems to be her way of getting attention. You just want to know that she cares about you enough to actually include you in all aspects of her life. If she's not willing to do that, forget her. She's obviously incredibly immature for her age, and even for work, her facebook life is extremely unhealthy. I think she may need therapy, and I'm not joking, because she's leading a double life. In person your relationship is working, bumpy as it may be, but in her virtual world, she pokes and prods you until you get angry. Don't let her push your buttons, she sounds like she needs to grow up and you need maturity. Just make it clear that her mind games aren't appreciated and that she needs to grow up.

Having said that, if any relationship I ever got into was as bumpy as yours, I'd have ended it...and I have, because my god, I cannot stand drama queens, their lives are not that interesting. Nobody needs drama, it's stupid and pointless.

thefeatheredcat

Has it occurred to you that she might be embarrassed by you online, or is trying to protect you?

She might be living her life out online but with some self censorship either to remain "vague" or "mysterious" about her romantic life or to get people guessing.... that is a possibility BUT also if she is as you say, in a job that attracts male attention, maybe she is trying to protect your privacy by removing the link?

She might be living her life out online, but you are basing your actual real world relationship status on what is posted on a social network, letting that define if you are in a relationship or not, which at any time, could have a glitch that changes anyone's status or settings at any random moment.

Does age difference matter to her? You said she's early 20s, maybe to her and her circle of friends and males she messages she's embarrassed by going out with someone that to others could be considered "really old"? Or maybe through work stuff there's been digs and hints that she should alter her relationship status to keep interest in her and whatever the work is she does (I'm assuming bar or club promotions?) ? Maybe she feels she needs to constantly update and keep her profile fresh and new both personally and professionally?

She could also be deliberately disregarding your feelings about it by being "rebellious" in not maintaining your request to wreck your head or to prove a point that what she does and doesn't do on her facebook page is nobody's business but hers, and nobody will dictate or decide how her relationship status should be?

I don't know tbh but if you are not able to have a proper conversation where she actually explains what the deal is or can actually understand any feelings you have about it being repeatedly changed, and it still is a problem to you what she changes it to (and not something you can ignore knowing it has no meaning in changing it) then consider whether you want your head wrecked like that or not as part and parcel of being in a relationship with that person.

scared_silly

An update:

She texted me last night and asked if we were alright? (I guess she knew the changing of status would have upset me) I asked her why she changed it? She said she felt weird about it. I said the only reason i could see was that she didn't want one or more people knowing about me. She said nope, just feels weird. I told her that it was important to me and saying she just felt weird about it was not a good enough explanation. She wanted to meet up but I’m a bit sick so we decided to do a phone call instead.

I could tell this phone call was a struggle for her (its easy to forget how shy she is when it comes to personal stuff). I always knew she never told me the true story of her feelings and she only really opened up to me about her feelings a couple of times and that was usually after a few drinks. The conversation was so refreshing just because she was fully open with me and I didn’t need to fill in the gaps in what she was thinking, even tho what she had to say was not roaring endorsement of our relationship.

So she said she changed it because she has doubts about the relationship. She says sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she sees me as the one, sometimes she doesn’t. She said more times she does than she doesn’t. I said it wasn’t fair to me for to change her relationship status and let me fill in the pieces of what’s going on. I told her if she can’t talk to me about her feelings whether they hurt me or not, then the relationship is doomed anyway and it will never work. I told her she can’t bottle up all her issues inside, she needs to talk to people or those issues will never be resolved. I told her it doesn’t necessarily have to be me she talks about her feelings but she needs someone. She told me she has nobody she feels comfortable with or trusts enough to talk to. This made me feel really sad for her, thousands of ‘friends’ on Facebook but not one true friend she can share with.

I told her its ok if she wants to end the relationship, I won’t be mad, I’d be upset but eventually I’d move on and I’d appreciate the honesty. We were friends before the relationship and the only way we can be friends after the relationship, is if we tell each other the truth so there won’t be any resentment.

She asked me how I felt about the relationship. I told her I thought we get on pretty well and we always have fun but my biggest issues are her inability to fully commit to the relationship and open up to me. I said I feel she doesn’t fully commit because she’s afraid it won’t work out which she agreed. To which I said, if you don’t fully commit to the relationship it’s not going to work out anyway. Catch 22.

At the end of the phone call she said she still wants to be in this relationship and I said ok but obviously we need to talk more and figure out what’s the best for both of us.

We are not going to see each other till the weekend because of our schedules so I’ll have time think about all this and see where I go from here…I don’t know which way it’s going to go.

I like her but it’s clear to me she has a lot of baggage and her inability to talk it out means it may never get resolved. I want to help her become more open and talk but I don’t know if I can as capacity of boyfriend.

Personally how I feel is because Facebook is such a big deal to her, adding me as her boyfriend on Facebook is a big commitment for her and I feel I need her to add me to show she is committed to me. Otherwise I feel she is just in a causal relationship with no major strings attached which she is ready to drop when it suits her. Right now, adding me will be the last thing I’ll be pushing her on. We need to sit down and see if this is what we both want first but once we come out of this phase of whether we will continue or not, if we decided to continue, I think I need that commitment.


Sorry for the rambling, my thoughts are a bit all over the place. Any input appreciated, as long as you don’t call us a bunch of immature teenagers (immature maybe!!).

gaynorvader

scared_silly wrote: »

An update:

She texted me last night and asked if we were alright? (I guess she knew the changing of status would have upset me) I asked her why she changed it? She said she felt weird about it. I said the only reason i could see was that she didn't want one or more people knowing about me. She said nope, just feels weird. I told her that it was important to me and saying she just felt weird about it was not a good enough explanation. She wanted to meet up but I’m a bit sick so we decided to do a phone call instead.

I could tell this phone call was a struggle for her (its easy to forget how shy she is when it comes to personal stuff). I always knew she never told me the true story of her feelings and she only really opened up to me about her feelings a couple of times and that was usually after a few drinks. The conversation was so refreshing just because she was fully open with me and I didn’t need to fill in the gaps in what she was thinking, even tho what she had to say was not roaring endorsement of our relationship.

So she said she changed it because she has doubts about the relationship. She says sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she sees me as the one, sometimes she doesn’t. She said more times she does than she doesn’t. I said it wasn’t fair to me for to change her relationship status and let me fill in the pieces of what’s going on. I told her if she can’t talk to me about her feelings whether they hurt me or not, then the relationship is doomed anyway and it will never work. I told her she can’t bottle up all her issues inside, she needs to talk to people or those issues will never be resolved. I told her it doesn’t necessarily have to be me she talks about her feelings but she needs someone. She told me she has nobody she feels comfortable with or trusts enough to talk to. This made me feel really sad for her, thousands of ‘friends’ on Facebook but not one true friend she can share with.

I told her its ok if she wants to end the relationship, I won’t be mad, I’d be upset but eventually I’d move on and I’d appreciate the honesty. We were friends before the relationship and the only way we can be friends after the relationship, is if we tell each other the truth so there won’t be any resentment.

She asked me how I felt about the relationship. I told her I thought we get on pretty well and we always have fun but my biggest issues are her inability to fully commit to the relationship and open up to me. I said I feel she doesn’t fully commit because she’s afraid it won’t work out which she agreed. To which I said, if you don’t fully commit to the relationship it’s not going to work out anyway. Catch 22.

At the end of the phone call she said she still wants to be in this relationship and I said ok but obviously we need to talk more and figure out what’s the best for both of us.

We are not going to see each other till the weekend because of our schedules so I’ll have time think about all this and see where I go from here…I don’t know which way it’s going to go.

I like her but it’s clear to me she has a lot of baggage and her inability to talk it out means it may never get resolved. I want to help her become more open and talk but I don’t know if I can as capacity of boyfriend.

Personally how I feel is because Facebook is such a big deal to her, adding me as her boyfriend on Facebook is a big commitment for her and I feel I need her to add me to show she is committed to me. Otherwise I feel she is just in a causal relationship with no major strings attached which she is ready to drop when it suits her. Right now, adding me will be the last thing I’ll be pushing her on. We need to sit down and see if this is what we both want first but once we come out of this phase of whether we will continue or not, if we decided to continue, I think I need that commitment.


Sorry for the rambling, my thoughts are a bit all over the place. Any input appreciated, as long as you don’t call us a bunch of immature teenagers (immature maybe!!).

Of course you can, but it's not going to be easy. You're going to have to be the one opening the dialogue each time. It sounds like you're going to have to be patient, maybe look on the whole Facebook thing as something that will come in time and work on building the relationship up. To quote Psych:

Shawn Spencer wrote:

Remember the rule: Treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a Greek goddess, then a person again.

Talking is key to any relationship, just look back on other people's posts in here and see how often it comes up as advice. Talking about problems early and often is the best approach.

Pippy1976

scared_silly wrote: »

I feel I need her to add me to show she is committed to me... Right now, adding me will be the last thing I’ll be pushing her on.

I'm sorry, what? Why do you 'need' her to add you on Facebook? This is clearly ridiculous. Adding someone on Facebook shouldn't justify your relationship with them.

Welcome to the 21st century! I'm sorry if my advice isn't constructive enough but insisting someone adds you as their 'significant other' on a social networking site does not qualify a relationship in my book.

If FB means that much to you then I'm not really sure what to say about that. Bizarre really.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I think you're not the only one she's in a relationship with. Surely everybody important she has added on FB knows you're together, so there's no need to be secretive about it? When my bf and I got together officially, we just put it as "in a relationship with __" as there was no point in not. Maybe that's she hasn't got your name on FB as you're not the only name she should be sticking up there?

Penny Tration

You don't fall in and out of love day by day. She either loves you or she doesn't. From what she's said, it doesn't sound as though she does.

beks101

I can really think of no bigger insult than my boyfriend to say he *sometimes* wants to be in a committed relationship with me and sometimes doesn't. Fcuk that. Humour yourself on your own time & don't waste my time or my life.

It really sounds like she needs convincing and reassuring that she should be with you and while she's making up her mind she can mess around with stupid Facebook statuses and keep the door open to other men.

That's not how healthy adult relationships work. You don't sit up each morning and think, "hmm, not really feeling it today. Time for a status change!" I mean, really? Does that sound acceptable to you? Do you really think that's something you can handle, in light of how insecure & absolutely head wrecked you're already feeling?

P. Breathnach

OP, I'll start by saying that I can believe everything in your most recent post. I think you have done quite well in getting closer to the nub of the problem. The Facebook thing isn't the issue at all: it's just a symptom.

It's not that rare for people to be afraid of commitment. Very often, what is needed is time for confidence to grow that the relationship has a prospect of lasting. Two months is not a great deal of time for long-term confidence to develop.

What is at issue here is a relationship that is relatively new and, as you tell us, has not been entirely smooth. I suspect that, in addition to the uncertainties she has admitted, you are bringing your own insecurities into the set of difficulties that you are both experiencing. I am also a bit thrown by how ready you seem to be to walk away from things. How committed are you to the relationship?

robbiezero

If she won't update her relationship status on facebook for you, would sending a tweet announcing that ye are in a relationship be of any help?

Ande1975

Op,

This isn't a Facebook issue. This is an issue where you are involved with a girl who clearly puts her Facebook image ahead of you.
As someone who grew up in the pre social media age, I am constantly baffled by how this thing has affected people.
I'm on it but I'm a lurker and tend to update rarely unless I want to show off by checking in somewhere exotic to prove my life isn't mundane.

You have only been going out a couple of months and you have never mentioned why you even like this girl. Its been drama after drama.

Do you really want to be involved with someone who is that obsessed with Facebook or how they even look on Facebook?
Its very clear she's not sure about you and I think you should just let this one go.
She's headwrecking and needs to mature before she can be part of anyone's life because she's currently in a relationship with Facebook.

Constant profile pic changes and status updates? Just screams attention seeker.
If its this hard now, it ain't gonna get better.

Katgurl

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I'm sorry, what? Why do you 'need' her to add you on Facebook? This is clearly ridiculous. Adding someone on Facebook shouldn't justify your relationship with them.

Welcome to the 21st century! I'm sorry if my advice isn't constructive enough but insisting someone adds you as their 'significant other' on a social networking site does not qualify a relationship in my book.

If FB means that much to you then I'm not really sure what to say about that. Bizarre really.

this is totally unfair. it is clear from OP's posts that fb is not important to him but it is hugely important to his girlfriend so her refusal to acknowledge him online is representative of her true feelings.

Pippy1976

Katgurl wrote: »

this is totally unfair. it is clear from OP's posts that fb is not important to him but it is hugely important to his girlfriend so her refusal to acknowledge him online is representative of her true feelings.

Yes, but it shouldn't classify his relationship with her. 'in the real world' it sounds like she's not entirely sure about a relationship with him... that's what the OP should be concentrating on, not a social network site.

honest to god, people need to start living their lives here, now, in the present and get off the internet for 5 minutes.

Sounds blunt but if he needs to 'push' his girlfriend on this it's ludicrous, in my humble opinion. "I feel I need her to add me to show me she is committed to me"... she didn't add you, she removed you, that's showing you, time to move on. Maybe in your next relationship you'll actually speak to eachother, face-to-face and leave the internet for work.

RossFixxxed

It's not about Facebook, it's a complete communication breakdown as seen through Facebook.

It sounds like neither of you is particularly committed to the whole thing, she's into drama, everyone is reading things into the Facebook side but neither of you is sitting down to address the elephant in the room.

Talk to each other like adults, face to face or
Call it quits.

Grimebox

beks101 wrote: »

I can really think of no bigger insult than my boyfriend to say he *sometimes* wants to be in a committed relationship with me and sometimes doesn't. Fcuk that. Humour yourself on your own time & don't waste my time or my life.

It really sounds like she needs convincing and reassuring that she should be with you and while she's making up her mind she can mess around with stupid Facebook statuses and keep the door open to other men.

That's not how healthy adult relationships work. You don't sit up each morning and think, "hmm, not really feeling it today. Time for a status change!" I mean, really? Does that sound acceptable to you? Do you really think that's something you can handle, in light of how insecure & absolutely head wrecked you're already feeling?

Best response here. Dealing with the issue at hand without being condescending.

MagicMarker

OP, you've been together for a grand total of 8 weeks, this is a ridiculous amount of drama so soon into the "relationship".

At this stage in the relationship you should be like loved up teenagers going at it like rabbits. Just do the inevitable and break up.

Lou.m

Just ask her about it.

Facebook is not for talking to people in your life. That is what life is for.

Some people are facebook fidgets. I am .

The people I talk to most in life I never interact with online.

Don't use it as a barometer of your relationship. It means nothing.

It could be she does not want to have to change it if things don't work out.

Barely There

scared_silly wrote: »

So she said she changed it because she has doubts about the relationship. She says sometimes she loves it, sometimes she doesn’t. Sometimes she sees me as the one, sometimes she doesn’t.

If someone said this to me I'd dump them straight away.

P. Breathnach

Barely There wrote: »

If someone said this to me I'd dump them straight away.

Two months into a relationship? That seems to me to be a bit hasty.

I think that part of OP's difficulty is that the relationship is still in its early stages, with all the uncertainties that people often experience as they try to figure out how they feel about one another.

Big Bag of Chips

In "the good ol' days" before people lived their lives online and allowed every acquaintance they ever met in on every minute detail of their lives, what your gf would be feeling would be perfectly normal 2 months into a relationship... Except she wouldn't be broadcasting it on the internet.

Of course at 8 weeks in she doesn't know if you are "the one". Do you know she's "the one", would you be comfortable enough to prpose to her tonight and pledge to spend the rest of your life with her? Of course not. After 2 months, talk of being "the one", or not is a bit premature. Your relationship, at this stage, should be fun, easy, relaxed and more or less just between the 2 of you. I would have been going out with my husband longer than that before I told my parents. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours etc would have found out much later when the news naturally filtered down to them.

I would find it unusual to contact every one of my relatives, every time I started going out with someone to let them all know. Which is effectively what Facebook allows you to do in one go.

8 weeks.... Try to enjoy your relationship. Try not to focus on who knows about you or who doesn't at this stage. Think about if Facebook didn't exist.. would you be ringing around to everyone telling them you are going out with someone?

Social media, and media in general seems to force relationships along at a pace that is not natural. The early days of a relationship should be fun, where you are figuring out if you do actually really like this person, and if there is a future in the relationship. That is what your gf is doing. Except instead of doing it in private, like we all did "in the olden days" she has made the mistake of telling everyone too soon.

I suggest you both remove your relationship status for at least 6 months. At that stage, you should know if you are in long term relationship or not, and then you can announce to the world that you are "in a relationship with....."