How to tell her you don't want to get married

begood20000

So myself and the girlfriend have been together for 5 years and she's been dropping hints to get married but I don't want to get married. We're both in love and live together and I want things to stay the way they are although I'd been open to kids in a few years. We're both early 30s.

Marriage just doesn't seem like a good deal for a man. Say she were to grow bored of me in the future and want a divorce I would have to pay maintenance money to her and she could get half the house I bought before I met her among the other assets I have (I haven't a problem with child support if there were any). But she would not be under any obligation to pay me maintenance money. And I would end up in a room somewhere penniless after everything I worked for.

Even besides the money most married men seem to be afraid of their wives. I want to be able to retain my personal power, masculinity, freedom and not be emasculated.

How do I tell her I don't want to get married without it her getting offended?

Flippyfloppy

I don't have any advice for you regarding not causing offence to your partner, all I can say is I guess how much she wants marriage and how tactful you are explaining your reasoning will affect the outcome!

I just want to say you should check out unmarried fathers rights in Ireland. While divorces can be messy and you could have to share assets, being married could be an asset to you if you have kids should you ever split.

I'm not exactly read up on the matter but I do think it's worth looking into so you can take all legal aspects into consideration.

Pat Mustard

begood20000 wrote: »

How do I tell her I don't want to get married without it her getting offended?

To attempt to answer the question that you asked, you could just come straight out and tell her that marriage is not something that you want to do.

I imagine that she'll be upset.

blatantrereg

If she is dropping hints, then drop hints back. That you never had any desire to get married etc. You could tell her that you see her as the woman you want to have kids with. She might get offended no matter how you put it across. Make sure you express it as cycnicism in the institution, not lack of faith in your relationship.

You might find that it benefits you financially if you marry her, because of the different taxation etc, especially if she doesn't work when you have kids.

It's an exaggeration to say that you'd end up in a room penniless. That sort of exaggerated thinking suggests a panicky mindset to me. Sounds like you are scared of the whole idea.

Money is not much good by itself. Obviously very useful if you have lots, and problematic if you've less than you need - but not worth anting for its own sake.

ABajaninCork

The lady's invested five years with you. If you don't want to marry (and that's your choice), then you should do the decent thing, tell her and break off the relationship.

It wouldn't be fair to her OR to you otherwise.

Oryx

She will have cohabitation rights after a certain time regardless of whether you are married or not.

If you tell her honestly why you don't want to marry, I can see her being very offended. Its a very mercenary, cynical outlook. I would soften it if I were you, saying that the institution simply doesn't matter to you. But tell her something, and tell her soon. This is a massive difference of opinion and maybe a dealbreaker for you both.

blatantrereg

Oryx wrote: »

She will have cohabitation rights after a certain time regardless of whether you are married or not.

If you tell her honestly why you don't want to marry, I can see her being very offended. Its a very mercenary, cynical outlook. I would soften it if I were you, saying that the institution simply doesn't matter to you. But tell her something, and tell her soon. This is a massive difference of opinion and maybe a dealbreaker for you both.

That's a good point. After you live together five years she gets the same rights to your stuff as she would if you were married if you break up. Only difference is that you keep being taxed individually.

begood20000

blatantrereg wrote: »

That's a good point. After you live together five years she gets the same rights to your stuff as she would if you were married if you break up. Only difference is that you keep being taxed individually.

Is that true? I thought a cohabiting person can not request maintenance from the other after separation. I think property only applies if you bought the place together or she contributed to the mortgage. In my case I bought the house in cash before I met her. I'm not sure if any of these change after a number of years. The laws were only brought about so a cohabiting person who get the house etc after their partner died. I don't know how it relates to a separation

meeeeh

Your reasoning why you don't want to get married is a bit silly. I hope you are prepared to make necessary sacrifices in your career if you have children so her material position won't suffer in case you split up.

I have no particular desire to be married but I would seriously consider packing bags if my partner used your reasoning.

bee06

begood20000 wrote: »

Even besides the money most married men seem to be afraid of their wives. I want to be able to retain my personal power, masculinity, freedom and not be emasculated.

Do not tell her this anyway if you want to be tactful. To be honest I find it an incredibly strange thing for you to say as well. Why would being married change the way you relate to each other? No doubt those men you know were like that before they got married as well.

Have you never discussed marriage in the last five years? You need to be up front with her as soon as possible anyway. As someone said, this could be a huge deal breaker for her.

begood20000

meeeeh wrote: »

Your reasoning why you don't want to get married is a bit silly. I hope you are prepared to make necessary sacrifices in your career if you have children so her material position won't suffer in case you split up.

I have no particular desire to be married but I would seriously consider packing bags if my partner used your reasoning.

Perhaps it is a bit silly but say she were to leave me then why should I have to pay her maintenance or why should she get half a house she never paid for.

bee06

begood20000 wrote: »

Perhaps it is a bit silly but say she were to leave me then why should I have to pay her maintenance or why should she get half a house she never paid for.

If this is your attitude to your partner you have bigger problems in your relationship than her wanting to get married IMO.

Rubberchikken

Just tell her. Be honest.
Won't be easy, she may even be upset, but as your posts only show a man who is more concerned with HIS house , HIS money etc.
oh it would be ok if she gave you kuds. How thoughtful.

Personally the way your posts are reading, i think she may in the long run, consider herself lucky to have escaped

begood20000

bee06 wrote: »

If this is your attitude to your partner you have bigger problems in your relationship than her wanting to get married IMO.

Why? Please explain. It's not like I talk to her like that. It's just in case it might happen in the future

Stheno

begood20000 wrote: »

Is that true? I thought a cohabiting person can not request maintenance from the other after separation. I think property only applies if you bought the place together or she contributed to the mortgage. In my case I bought the house in cash before I met her. I'm not sure if any of these change after a number of years. The laws were only brought about so a cohabiting person who get the house etc after their partner died. I don't know how it relates to a separation

See http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/redress_scheme_for_cohabiting_couples.html

You could indeed be liable for maintenance as could she if the situation were that you were financially dependant on her

begood20000

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Just tell her. Be honest.
Won't be easy, she may even be upset, but as your posts only show a man who is more concerned with HIS house , HIS money etc.
oh it would be ok if she gave you kuds. How thoughtful.

Personally the way your posts are reading, i think she may in the long run, consider herself lucky to have escaped

Sorry but are there mods her that can stop people from making personal attacks

meeeeh

begood20000 wrote: »

Perhaps it is a bit silly but say she were to leave me then why should I have to pay her maintenance or why should she get half a house she never paid for.

From your responses here it is clear you are more worried about the house than your girlfriend. I think the best thing for you would be to stay single and then you would not have to worry about somebody taking your house. Relationships always bring risk that something will go wrong but with people who we love it is a risk worth taking. And btw if your girlfriend some day outearns you she could end up paying for you.

ElleEm

begood20000 wrote: »

Why? Please explain. It's not like I talk to her like that. It's just in case it might happen in the future

It is the fact that you THINK like that. You seem to think once you get married she will become some domineering, money grabbing b!tch. Just because she may be entitled by law to seek such things doesn't mean she will. The fact that you care more about your money than her wanting to marry you speaks volumes. You should tell her that you don't want to get married sooner rather than later so she can make an informed decision and not wait around for you to grow up.

Oryx

Ill be honest. I dislike your attitude intensely, in a gut reaction kind of way. If I was your girl, and read these words, I would doubt our future together. Yes, its good to go into marriage with your eyes open, but money seems to be your sole driving force here. Its like you expect it to go wrong and therefore wont go there so you don't have to pay maintenance. (Maintenance is paid to your kids if you are not their main carer, maintenance is only paid to your ex spouse if separation leaves them less well off than they were.)

Love shouldn't be completely blind but god, it shouldn't be as much about finance as you are making it. You make your relationship sound like an accident waiting to happen and thats not good.

begood20000

Oryx wrote: »

Ill be honest. I dislike your attitude intensely, in a gut reaction kind of way. If I was your girl, and read these words, I would doubt our future together. Yes, its good to go into marriage with your eyes open, but money seems to be your sole driving force here. Its like you expect it to go wrong and therefore wont go there so you don't have to pay maintenance. (Maintenance is paid to your kids if you are not their main carer, maintenance is only paid to your ex spouse if separation leaves them less well off than they were.)

Love shouldn't be completely blind but god, it shouldn't be as much about finance as you are making it. You make your relationship sound like an accident waiting to happen and thats not good.

I think the last two posts have been unrealistic and more emotional than logical.

People can change in relationships, say after more than 10 years of marriage. The Irish legal system and the culture favours women over men in these matters. I am in love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I treat her well and that's why she's still with me. It's quite funny how if a man speaks up about such issues he's instantly disliked or seen as a vile person who cares more about money than love etc. It's good to have 'your eyes open' but you should just dive in and give another person all this power over you, which mind you can come up in arguments or ultimatums about the woman leaving and the man has to comply with her because she has all this legal recourse etc. Sorry this seems offensive to you but they're just the facts

Stheno

begood20000 wrote: »

I think the last two posts have been unrealistic and more emotional than logical.

People can change in relationships, say after more than 10 years of marriage. The Irish legal system and the culture favours women over men in these matters. I am in love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I treat her well and that's why she's still with me. It's quite funny how if a man speaks up about such issues he's instantly disliked or seen as a vile person who cares more about money than love etc. It's good to have 'your eyes open' but you should just dive in and give another person all this power over you, which mind you can come up in arguments or ultimatums about the woman leaving and the man has to comply with her because she has all this legal recourse etc. Sorry this seems offensive to you but they're just the facts

Unless there are children involved, Irish seperation/divorce law is actually quite fair to both men and women, it's not unknown for women to have to pay maintenance/split property etc following the breakdown of a marriage.

If there are children involved then the law around custody etc does seem to be enforced in a way that strongly benefits the mother

Spousal maintenance is by no means automatic as you seem to think

Chara1001

Hey op, i think you should sit her down and tell her exactly what you told us here. Word for word. Don't filter or dilute it in any way.
I got that same gut reaction Oryx did, she needs to know your real reasons for not wanting to marry her. Your attitude disturbs me, another poster described it as mercenary, and if i were her, this would be a very serious contender for breaking up entirely.

ElleEm

Why have you not discussed this with your girlfriend before? You raised the issue of a wife being entitled to half a property exactly a year ago on Boards when you were looking into buying a house. Why would you not talk to her about it?

cactusgal

Just be honest with her.

Say to her what you've said here:

"I don't want to marry you because it will make me feel like less of a man and if we divorce, you might get to keep my stuff. I'm OK with having children together, though."

See how she responds and then take it from there.

ABajaninCork

begood20000 wrote: »

Why? Please explain. It's not like I talk to her like that. It's just in case it might happen in the future

And it probably won't, if the the relationship is as good as you say. But that's clearly what you're thinking and I wouldn't be at all surprised if your girl's picked up on it. Us women are funny like that. THAT'S why she's talking marriage, and wants to see if you're committed to the relationship.

Not being funny, but is this your longest relationship OP?

Oryx

My gut reaction is not gender based, anyone facing into a long term relationship with the same attitude would likely make me feel the same. As would hearing of a partner trying to marry for purely financial reasons. The reason you need to know that it evokes such emotion is because this is what your other half is likely to feel!

Whether you marry or not, she may end up dependant on you, or you on her. You will have to face unknown hardships financial and otherwise. To be so cut and dried about what you are not willing to sacrifice is ignoring the reality of any long term relationship.

m'lady

Like a lot of previous posters your attitude really disturbs me. I have come across very cold people in my life but not as bad as your cold and domineering attitude has been portrayed (by yourself).

Talk to your girlfriend and tell her how you feel, I'd be very surprised if she stays in the relationship- I certainly wouldn't stay with someone who has such a 'my' attitude, and that let's be honest doesn't have much trust or faith in the relationship.

We all want to go into a marriage with our eyes wide open, but you have over analysed this to the point that you will never really trust and open up to anyone. Enjoy your job, your home etc as that is all you will ever have in your life!

In regards to men being 'afraid' of their wives I seriously think you have been watching too many American comedies, that's not real life and certainly not in any marriages I know of!

Big Bag of Chips

You are together 5 years. You need to be honest with her. You don't want to get married, but do want children. You do realise that children are a bigger deal, and bigger commitment (emotionally and financially) than marriage. What if she doesn't want kids without being married first? You need to talk to her. It might result in your splitting up, but if you think it's the inevitable conclusion to your relationship, you might as well get it over with, sooner rather than later...

If she has lived in your house and can prove she has contributed, paying a share of utility bills, buying shopping etc, then after a period of time cohabiting, she could indeed be entitled to a share of your property. Regardless of marital status.

If you have kids and she leaves you, you will have to pay maintenance for the kids. And as an unmarried father could find yourself with very little rights to your kids. She might not be too quick to want kids without the security of marriage. She might think you'd be more likely to leave her to be a single mother with no support, financial or otherwise. If you are that concerned about money, she might feel like you'd look for a way to dodge your financial obligation to your children... (see, it works both ways)

No relationship is guaranteed to go the distance and yes, it is right to be cautious. But to start out planning for the relationship to end is not good. You are making her out to be a golddigger.. just looking for a share of your house.

You both want different things. You know, roughly, where she stands. You need to let her know where YOU stand, so you can both decide where to go from here.

3DataModem

Another point;

Your gf is early thirties. Waiting till late thirties to start thinking about children is a bad idea.

While somewhat a taboo subject, it is a scientific fact that after 32/33 female fertility drops like a stone each year, then the rate of decline increases again at 39/40. Roll into mid-40s, and it's close to impossible without assistance.

Be straight with her.

Overthrow

I don't quite get all the hate for OP. He's clearly in love with his OH and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but sees no inherent benefit to getting married, other than satisfying the wishes of his OH. He came here asking for advice on how to resolve the issue and the advice seems to summarisable by "Do what she wants or end the relationship"

If he's happy with how things are now, why should it have to change? For him marriage doesn't add anything. It's a big change and like any big changes it's going to have an effect, and given that he's happy now, why risk that big changing disimproving things?

If it was OP's OH posting "I keep dropping hints about marriage, how do I make my BF to pop the question.", the advice would probably have been in defence of the BF, to stop pressuring etc etc.

People are together for all types of reasons, and if he suspects that his OH might go after him monetarily if things don't go well, but still loves her all the same, then who are you to judge? People tolerate aspects of their OH/relationship for many reasons and this could be just another.

FreshKnickers

Overthrow wrote: »

He came here asking for advice on how to resolve the issue and the advice seems to summarisable by "Do what she wants or end the relationship"

Nobody said this, noboday said "Marry her". People are saying to talk to her and let her know where she stands. I'd echo that advice, ye both need to know what the other wants, decide if ye want the same things or not and if not (as the case seems to be) if you can compromise in a way that makes both of you happy.

Overthrow

FreshKnickers wrote: »

Nobody said this, noboday said "Marry her". People are saying to talk to her and let her know where she stands.

True.

Ann84

As far as I'm concerned you don't need to justify your reasons for not wanting to get married here. You said your GF is dropping hints, your together 5 years and she's in her early 30's.

Based on those facts, you need to sit down with her, and clearly outline that marriage is not on the table for you guys but your open to kids.

She has a right to decide if her want to get married outweighs her feelings for you, and that us absolutely her right. But, what is currently unfair is you wasting her time, if marriage is a dealbreaker for her and you've a) never articulated its not gonna happen and b) know she does want to get married then you are cheating her out of time she could be spending meeting the man of her dreams.

Love is not enough, kids and marriage (and money) are pretty serious dealbreakers for most people and you have your motivations, but she will have hers.

I hope it works out for you, I have recently enough been discussing a similar situation with my partner. I told him I don't want a wedding... Never thought he was fussed, turns out he is and I have to decide what I want now, no decision yet but I'm glad it's out in the open so I recommend you do the same.

LegacyUser

Your in your early 30's and your girlfriend is the same age.
You have been together for the past 5 years and are living together.

I have to be honest what did you think would happen next - did you expect your girlfriend to live with you, have regular sex with you, pay half the mortgage/rent and the bills every month forever.
How do you thinks she feels at the moment? She is dropping hits about getting married and after 5 years of being together and the fact you are both in your early 30's she is entitled to know where your relationship is going.
She wants to get married and possibly have a family but you are not willing to get married. You have told us you might have children in a few years time.

I am going to be very honest here - it is time for you to grow up.
Your in your early 30's and your girlfriend is around your age.
She has spent the last 5 years with you thinking that by now you would be making plans to move on with your life as a couple but all she is to you is someone who will pay half your bills and mortgage when you save up more of your money.

At this stage you need to be honest with your girlfriend and tell her you don't want to get married because if you brake up you would have to pay her and you might lose your house.
If your were my boyfriend I would be telling you to get lost and I would ring your mother and father to tell them why I ended thing with you.
I would tell all your brothers/sisters/friends just what a scabby individual you are also.

One thing I would say to you is that you don't know what will happen in the future.
One of my friends got married to a man with a good job. They were both keen to start a family but he was made redundant. After this he wanted to set up his own business. She put off starting a family to stay working full time to keep the mortgage and bills paid when her husband got his business off the ground. He now has a good business, she works part time and they have a family.

m'lady

Overthrow wrote: »

I don't quite get all the hate for OP. He's clearly in love with his OH and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but sees no inherent benefit to getting married, other than satisfying the wishes of his OH. He came here asking for advice on how to resolve the issue and the advice seems to summarisable by "Do what she wants or end the relationship"

If he's happy with how things are now, why should it have to change? For him marriage doesn't add anything. It's a big change and like any big changes it's going to have an effect, and given that he's happy now, why risk that big changing disimproving things?

If it was OP's OH posting "I keep dropping hints about marriage, how do I make my BF to pop the question.", the advice would probably have been in defence of the BF, to stop pressuring etc etc.

People are together for all types of reasons, and if he suspects that his OH might go after him monetarily if things don't go well, but still loves her all the same, then who are you to judge? People tolerate aspects of their OH/relationship for many reasons and this could be just another.

He maybe happy with how things are but she obviously wants to get married at some stage, as she's dropping hints- so she wants to change things. I don't think anyone said 'do what she wants or end the relationship', they advised him to be honest with her.

qdawg86

begood20000 wrote: »

I think the last two posts have been unrealistic and more emotional than logical.

People can change in relationships, say after more than 10 years of marriage. The Irish legal system and the culture favors women over men in these matters. I am in love and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I treat her well and that's why she's still with me. It's quite funny how if a man speaks up about such issues he's instantly disliked or seen as a vile person who cares more about money than love etc. It's good to have 'your eyes open' but you should just dive in and give another person all this power over you, which mind you can come up in arguments or ultimatums about the woman leaving and the man has to comply with her because she has all this legal recourse etc. Sorry this seems offensive to you but they're just the facts

But the legal system is built around a family system where women could never even dream of building a career after becoming married and having children........and not really before either.

They were forced into the role of housewife and mother after marriage and so they had to be entitled to some kind of support to avoid becoming destitute.

Of course now that gender roles have changed, the system is unfair. But to be fair, it wasn't designed by women...it was designed by men.

I do understand your fears about losing your rights, however, its a bit late to bringing all this up now, when by the time your gf can get herself into a situation where she could be completely financially independent of you, it might be too late to start having kids.

This is something you should have discussed with her in the very early stages of the relationship.

topcatcbr

I think it's interesting how it's the females here who are finding the OPs points disturbing.

I think he is 100% correct in trying to protect what he has before entering a relationship.

I can personally attest to his fears being legit.

I didn't do what the OP wants. I fell in love got married had children and all was great for 15 years. Before and during this I was assured that my partner was not the type of person to be greedy and spitefull.

However as the recession hit she became sore that I could no longer provide as comfortable a lifestyle and decided to leave me. She then went after everything I had. Not half but all. It cost me serious money in legal fees just to go to court to be left with a tiny portion of the estate (all debts became mine all assets became hers)while she had her legal fees picked up by legal aid.

BTW she has squanderd everything and I'm now expecting a further claim for what I have built up since separating.

I never thought my EX would behave like this and I didn't expect the law to be so unfair. I will never make that mistake again.

As the woman normally gets the kids they have all the power during seperation.

Grandpa Hassan

People are being too harsh on the OP here. I also see zero value in getting married, except for the tax.

There are many that say that it is a declaration if love....that you don't really love her if you don't want to get married. That is BS.

I show her I love her every day.....I don't need some piece of paper and a waste of money and antiquated ceremony to prove it.

OP, you need to get across that getting married does not mean that you don't live her, and that you don't see a lifelong relationship ahead. It is what you do in your day to day life that matters.....not some one off display of live on a wedding day

Ann84

topcatcbr wrote: »

I think it's interesting how it's the females here who are finding the OPs points disturbing.

Just to put your mind at ease, I'm a woman and I can appreciate the OP's concerns in relation to protecting his assets, it actually works both ways these days as I'm the bigger earner at the moment with the house in my relationship and the same thought crossed my mind.

However, I don't believe this thread is really about his reasons, more about the end result in that he doesn't want to get married and is with someone for 5 years who potentially does.

P. Breathnach

If OP does not want to get married, he should not have to.

But after a five-year relationship, he owes it to his girlfriend to be honest about it and explain to her why he does not want to marry her.

nc19

begood20000 wrote: »

So myself and the girlfriend have been together for 5 years and she's been dropping hints to get married but I don't want to get married. We're both in love and live together and I want things to stay the way they are although I'd been open to kids in a few years. We're both early 30s.

Marriage just doesn't seem like a good deal for a man. Say she were to grow bored of me in the future and want a divorce I would have to pay maintenance money to her and she could get half the house I bought before I met her among the other assets I have (I haven't a problem with child support if there were any). But she would not be under any obligation to pay me maintenance money. And I would end up in a room somewhere penniless after everything I worked for.

Even besides the money most married men seem to be afraid of their wives. I want to be able to retain my personal power, masculinity, freedom and not be emasculated.

How do I tell her I don't want to get married without it her getting offended?

Pre-nup

/thread

ElleEm

nc19 wrote: »

Pre-nup

/thread

There is no such thing recognised in Irish law.

Colser

Hi OP...Leave your partner out of the equation at moment and think about your attitude in general to marriage/co-habiting.You have to decide if your money assets ect are more important to you than living with or marrying any woman because the law takes into account the fact that you have been living together(over 3 years I think) if the relationship breaks down and assets need to be divided.

While your post may read as being cold and calculating I belive it is something that should be concidered before couples get together and may avoid years of costly solicitors fees ect down the line IF a relationship breaks down.We read a lot about pre-nups for the rich and famous and maybe theyre not as bad a they sound in fact Im sure there are plenty of ordinary people right now who wish they had thought of something similar before marrying /living with their OHs.

I think you need to tell your partner how you feel asap (surprised this conversation hasnt happened before now) as she is entitled to know how you feel so she can decide how she feels about your concerns .She may walk but its only fair that she has the choice sooner rather than later.

I would definitely advise you to visit a financial advisor regarding your general view to splitting assets/money ect..I did recently for a different reason and when he heard my living arrangements(for want of a better phrase) he threw out unreal info regarding the laws here ..I wont go into it here but it was a total eye opener for me. Good Luck....Just seen post re pre-nup in Ireland ..didnt realise they are not allowed here...Laws here are very out dated

otnomart

I think you should be honest with her, print your post and give it to her to read, and then make her own mind up

topcatcbr

Ann84 wrote: »

it actually works both ways these days as I'm the bigger earner at the moment with the house in my relationship.

Not really. As your the woman you're far more likely to be left with any children and as such will come out of any split better.

Its not really about who is the bigger earner although that does play a part. Its about the unequal treatment of men where children are conceded. The person who gets the children will always be looked after which is right and proper but this should not automatically be the mother.

My point still stands that the OP or right to be cautious and all those who say anything else are not advising what is good for him but are concerned with their own personal situation and what would be good for them.

userod

qdawg86 wrote: »

I do understand your fears about losing your rights, however, its a bit late to bringing all this up now, when by the time your gf can get herself into a situation where she could be completely financially independent of you, it might be too late to start having kids.

This is something you should have discussed with her in the very early stages of the relationship.

Why should he have discussed it in the very early stages of the relationship? Marriage is not important to the OP. It is the woman who wants it. Therefore she should have made that clear?

Ann84

topcatcbr wrote: »

Not really. As your the woman you're far more likely to be left with any children and as such will come out of any split better.

As a single parent, I am aware of this. I have a child with my ex partner, we weren't married so he had even LESS rights than had we been married. Fortunately when we split, out child's welfare was paramount and I gave him joint guardianship, joint custody and a 50/50 split. The courts facilitated all of this with no issue and we ironed out the finer details in mediation. Works fine, you issue seems to be with your ex as much as the legal framework.

topcatcbr wrote: »

My point still stands that the OP or right to be cautious and all those who say anything else are not advising what is good for him but are concerned with their own personal situation and what would be good for them.

I think you should take your own advice, you've clearly had a rough time but you are equally negative as anyone else here is being positive and clearly is stemming from your own personal situation.
He is right to ve cautious but not planning for a messy divorce before even proposing!

username123

OP you better move out or move her out now, as cohabitation laws will treat you as though you were married after 5 years, 2 if you've kids.

You've quite a juvenile attitude to marriage. If your money is so important to you then you're better off alone with it.

nc19

ElleEm wrote: »

There is no such thing recognised in Irish law.

Is there such things as contracts? Draw one up covering the bases and get her to sign it


/thread

mrsbyrne

Some people just aren't marriage material. He must immediately lay all his cards on the table so she knows where she stands. This should have happened long ago. In my experience men who are truly in love can't wait to get a woman up the aisle. OP you are a confirmed bachelor. Don't even think of bringing any innocent kids into this equation. Kids need s dad who is in love with their mum not anguishing over whether she's going to take half his stuff away.
Enjoy and spoil your nieces and nephew and/or godchildren, you'll appreciate their kindness in return when your an old man.
Let this woman go and find a man who she can build a future with. Do the right thing.

username123

nc19 wrote: »

Is there such things as contracts? Draw one up covering the bases and get her to sign it


/thread

You can't override family law as protected by the Constitution with a contract, which us why pre nups or any other contract that tries to do so does not hold any legal sway in Irish courts.

Since the Cohabitation Act 2011 you are as good as married under Irish law also after 5 years or 2 if there's kids, so unless someone wishes to remain single and living alone they cannot avoid the sharing of assets and liabilities that comes with actually sharing a household.

I find it bizarre that someone views a shared life with a partner and children as an unequal partnership where one party wants to protect their material assets. The OP doesn't see his partner as his equal but as someone who gets the benefit of his assets as long as they are together but not to have any hold on them afterwards. It's a strange relationship view. It's like a child shouting "MINE". A more mature view would be that you merge assets in a relationship, so if you felt your assets were so important, then don't date someone who is materially less well off who you see as unequal.