Single mother in tricky situation

Pods1987

My daughters (4 years old) father has been in her life since she was born but there has always been something with regards access etc. we don't get on and the last few years have proved quite difficult.
My daughters dad is now living with his partner and has been having regular access with our daughter in this house. The girlfriend however seems to have an issue with me and has point blank refused to meet with me.
His job involves being on 24/7 call out and if our daughter is in his care when he gets called out its his girlfriend who looks after her. This is where my issue is.
She has my phone number incase of emergency but refuses to meet with me or have any other contact with me.
Am I over reacting or is this scenario strange? I'm not comfortable with someone caring for my child if they refuse to have the decency to talk to me.
Any advice or opinions welcome!!

Tasden

Its very unfair of her not to meet with you if she will be minding your child while the father is on call, its different if she was just in their company but being responsible for your child- I wouldn't feel comfortable with that having not met her. Have you discussed it with the child's father? Does she have children herself? She may not understand the concerns you have.

I have my own child and would expect to meet new partners in the future if they were going to be actively involved on a regular basis (even if not minding them alone). My partner has a child and I have met the mother.

Pods1987

Yes she has a child herself. Access including overnights has been occurring at their house for nearly 2 years now and we have never met or been introduced.

I have asked my ex will she meet with me and she refuses to. I also text her explaining how I felt and tryed to break the ice but she said she doesn't want any contact with me. I'm finding it very strange and now feel even more uneasy about letting this person mind my child!!

Sligo1

I would never let someone take care of my child who I had not met. Never ever. Having said that OP... I'm not in your position so maybe it's easy for me to say this. But even so, I can't see my opinion changing if I was in your position.

Tasden

Pods1987 wrote: »

Yes she has a child herself. Access including overnights has been occurring at their house for nearly 2 years now and we have never met or been introduced.

I have asked my ex will she meet with me and she refuses to. I also text her explaining how I felt and tryed to break the ice but she said she doesn't want any contact with me. I'm finding it very strange and now feel even more uneasy about letting this person mind my child!!

That seems very unfair. I don't really know what you can do

January

I would definitely not be up to letting anyone who I have not met mind my child, regardless of whether your partner has been with her for a few years or not.

It's tricky though you can't stop access if you have a court order but if you don't you could apply for court ordered maintenance and explain to the judge you are uncomfortable having her mind the child without having met her.

Tasden

Sligo1 wrote: »

I would never let someone take care of my child who I had not met. Never ever. Having said that OP... I'm not in your position so maybe it's easy for me to say this. But even so, I can't see my decision changing if I was in your position.

Well its during the dads access so out of OPs control unless access order is changed/sought to state that third parties can't be left responsible for the child.

Pods1987

January wrote: »

I would definitely not be up to letting anyone who I have not met mind my child, regardless of whether your partner has been with her for a few years or not.

It's tricky though you can't stop access if you have a court order but if you don't you could apply for court ordered maintenance and explain to the judge you are uncomfortable having her mind the child without having met her.

How do I apply for this? There is a court order for access and I feel bad stopping access but don't feel comfortable with it and my ex is refusing to give his word that my daughter will be left alone with her!! I'm at my wits end because I don't want to stop her seeing her father because of this

Sligo1

Agree with January. Also, could you try talking to the father? Perhaps explain to him and ask him if he would be comfortable with a man who you were seeing and that he hadn't met minding your daughter and being responsible for her during the day or overnight when you weren't there? I would find it very strange if this didnt concern him... Perhaps try to get him to see things from your perspective....

amdublin

When your child is with your ex do you really ever know who they are with though?

E.g. Your ex could go out for a night...and hire a babysitter.

Don't you have to trust them that they are not putting your child in danger.
And equally they have to trust you.

Like say you start going out with someone, what does that matter to your ex?

Sligo1

Tasden wrote: »

Well its during the dads access so out of OPs control unless access order is changed/sought to state that third parties can't be left responsible for the child.

I understand this... But I would try and do everything in my power to change this through the access order... Sorry I spose that's what I was getting at...

Tasden

Pods1987 wrote: »

How do I apply for this? There is a court order for access and I feel bad stopping access but don't feel comfortable with it and my ex is refusing to give his word that my daughter will be left alone with her!! I'm at my wits end because I don't want to stop her seeing her father because of this

If there is already an access order, ask for it to be altered so that he can't be leaving the child with a third party that you haven't met, is it not in the original access order anywhere?

Tasden

Sligo1 wrote: »

I understand this... But I would try and do everything in my power to change this through the access order... Sorry I spose that's what I was getting at...

Well that's why she's on here asking

Pods1987

Tasden wrote: »

If there is already an access order, ask for it to be altered so that he can't be leaving the child with a third party that you haven't met, is it not in the original access order anywhere?

No the original access order is very vague. It just states where the access will occur and how many days a week. He didn't have this job when the court order was made so it wasn't an issue at the time. However when he did get the job I suggested that the three if us meet and break the ice and she refused. That was 1 year ago and the other day I text her and she refused again. Should I continue with access even though I know he is going to go against my wishes?

amdublin

What do you think is going to happen when your child is with her?

And how will this be prevented when you meet her?

E.g.
You are afraid she will not be safe with this lady?
You meet lady and she seems fine.

Your ex is called into work. Lady who seemed nice when you met her, drinks bottle of vodka and passes out.

How will "meeting her" prevent this?

Tasden

Pods1987 wrote: »

No the original access order is very vague. It just states where the access will occur and how many days a week. He didn't have this job when the court order was made so it wasn't an issue at the time. However when he did get the job I suggested that the three if us meet and break the ice and she refused. That was 1 year ago and the other day I text her and she refused again. Should I continue with access even though I know he is going to go against my wishes?

Yeah if its court ordered then do continue as normal but apply to have it changed based on changes in circumstances/ schedules.

Very childish considering she's a mother herself, I mean I've been in her position- its hardly a nice situation meeting your partners ex but you get on with it for the child's best interests and peace of mind all round. Did your ex say why exactly she is so against it?

Sligo1

Tasden wrote: »

Well that's why she's on here asking

Well actually you're wrong. Initially OP was asking for opinions on whether people thought this situation was strange. I gave my opinion! Only then did she seek advice regarding changing an access order once other posters informed her it was possible to do this.

OP I hope you get this sorted as I can only imagine how stressful it must be for you.

Tasden

amdublin wrote: »

What do you think is going to happen when your child is with her?

And how will this be prevented when you meet her?

E.g.
You are afraid she will not be safe with this lady?
You meet lady and she seems fine.

Your ex is called into work. Lady who seemed nice when you met her, drinks bottle of vodka and passes out.

How will "meeting her" prevent this?

The same can be said about babysitters/creches what have you, its peace of mind in having met the person who is minding your child as oppose to a faceless stranger. Nobody said it would prevent anything. The fact she refuses to do a basic thing out of courtesy to the mother of her partners child raises concerns more than anything tbh.

January

OP we cannot give legal advice so with regards to getting the access order changed, your first step would probably be either the Free Legal Advice Centre (flac.ie) or the solicitor you used originally for the first order.

amdublin

Tasden wrote: »

The same can be said about babysitters/creches what have you, its peace of mind in having met the person who is minding your child as oppose to a faceless stranger. Nobody said it would prevent anything. The fact she refuses to do a basic thing out of courtesy to the mother of her partners child raises concerns more than anything tbh.

Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

Imo you can't know everyone who is in contact with your child when they are with your ex. You have to trust them. As they have to trust you.

DM addict

OP, it is a strange situation.

I wouldn't immediately go looking for a court order - it comes across as antagonistic, even though she is obviously being antagonistic by refusing to meet.

I think you need to voice your concerns with your ex, in a non-confrontational way. Do you have a good relationship with him? It can be difficult if not. Try and get him to see things from your point of view, and just explain that you want to be able to put a name to a face and so on. Emphasise that you want him to keep seeing your child, but that you also want to know who the other people in her life are.

Is there any reason you can think of why she might not want to meet you?

Sligo1

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

Imo you can't know everyone who is in contact with your child when they are with your ex. You have to trust them. As they have to trust you.

No you can't know of everybody minding your child if the other person avoids informing you. However, you can do your best to meet or talk to the person when you do know they are taking care of your child in your absence.

Tasden

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

Imo you can't know everyone who is in contact with your child when they are with your ex. You have to trust them. As they have to trust you.

I'd personally prefer not to be sending my child off to a faceless stranger on a regular basis though. Doesn't mean I don't trust my ex or the partner, its that I care about my child and the people in her life. I wouldn't be needing to see every person she comes into contact with but if someone is going to be minding her regularly its only natural that I would want to know who the person is. Not exactly to do with trust issues. Don't see why its being questioned tbh, thought its a reasonable enough request.

Flippyfloppy

Totally agree with you OP, it wouldn't sit well with me either!!

Hope you can get it sorted!

Chattastrophe!

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

In that situation - I wouldn't necessarily need to meet the babysitter, but if I asked to meet them and they downright refused, it would send MAJOR alarm bells ringing for me.

In the OPs situation, the new girlfriend is a mother herself. It's bizarre, in my opinion, that she's willing to take charge of her ex's child, but still unwilling to meet the child's mother. I would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this.

Pods1987

I have told my ex about how I feel regarding this but he seems to be going along with his partner on her decision!!
We never seem to agree on anything. I say black he says white. I feel like I've no say over who cares for my child?! I know we have a court order that I must go along with but I know he will continue to let her look after our daughter.
I have no idea why she won't meet or speak with me, I know her to see as we live in same area but don't know anything about her or have never been introduced.
If I was seeing someone and they refused point blank to speak to my ex I would have an issue with it never mind my ex.
I think I will seek legal advice and will prob have to bite my lip and continue with access in the meantime!
Thanks everyone for your posts. It has proven that I'm not making an outrageous request and other people feel the same.

cintec

What kind of meeting have you proposed?

If it’s a simple 5 min chat when dropping off or collecting the kids then what do you hope to gain from the meeting.

She has had access for over 2 years now have any incidents taken place that make you feel your child isn’t safe in her care.

You are the ex she could have several reasons not to meet you and while it’s childish to not get over it she clearly doesn’t want anykind of relationship with you.
In the case of emergency she has you number if (touch wood) an accident happened then her first priority is to get medical assistance and then she would contact her partner and either one of them could then contact you if she couldn’t get her partner then she should suck it up and contact you directly.

What is the reason you want to meet this woman if the only thing is in case of emergencies then you need to talk with your ex and agree ona plan of action should something happen(if you don’t already have one) and that his partner will contact you if she can’t agree to that then going to court may be your only option.

January

cintec wrote: »

What kind of meeting have you proposed?

If it’s a simple 5 min chat when dropping off or collecting the kids then what do you hope to gain from the meeting.

She has had access for over 2 years now have any incidents taken place that make you feel your child isn’t safe in her care.

You are the ex she could have several reasons not to meet you and while it’s childish to not get over it she clearly doesn’t want anykind of relationship with you.
In the case of emergency she has you number if (touch wood) an accident happened then her first priority is to get medical assistance and then she would contact her partner and either one of them could then contact you if she couldn’t get her partner then she should suck it up and contact you directly.

What is the reason you want to meet this woman if the only thing is in case of emergencies then you need to talk with your ex and agree ona plan of action should something happen(if you don’t already have one) and that his partner will contact you if she can’t agree to that then going to court may be your only option.

Will you please not post like that again, it's just taken me ages to make it smaller and remove all the formatting. There's no need for it.

Mmm Me

If you can't contact her to ask her how your child is then definitely seek a variation on the access order. She's being totally unreasonable. How would she feel if the tables were turned and she has kids also. How dare she step on your toes and act mother.

DM addict

Maybe try and get some kind of mediation? It would be a chance for everyone to air their feelings and have an impartial mediator to help you reach an agreement that's best for your daughter.

Your solicitor might be able to put you in touch with someone. I know of a couple of services but they're more for work-based disputes so not suitable for this kind of thing.

HotHHead

Pods1987 wrote: »

I have told my ex about how I feel regarding this but he seems to be going along with his partner on her decision!!
We never seem to agree on anything. I say black he says white. I feel like I've no say over who cares for my child?! I know we have a court order that I must go along with but I know he will continue to let her look after our daughter.
I have no idea why she won't meet or speak with me, I know her to see as we live in same area but don't know anything about her or have never been introduced.
If I was seeing someone and they refused point blank to speak to my ex I would have an issue with it never mind my ex.
I think I will seek legal advice and will prob have to bite my lip and continue with access in the meantime!
Thanks everyone for your posts. It has proven that I'm not making an outrageous request and other people feel the same.

You have a say when your child is with you, when child is with dad it is up to him and this is what you will be told in court! this is not some new 2 week relationship and the dad is pawning the child off on someone he hardly knows. You said the child has been having over nights 2 years now, why all of a sudden do you want to stop access?? Court can not make a third party as in GF do anything. Why would you be txting her? maddness!!

HotHHead

Tasden wrote: »

I'd personally prefer not to be sending my child off to a faceless stranger on a regular basis though. Doesn't mean I don't trust my ex or the partner, its that I care about my child and the people in her life. I wouldn't be needing to see every person she comes into contact with but if someone is going to be minding her regularly its only natural that I would want to know who the person is. Not exactly to do with trust issues. Don't see why its being questioned tbh, thought its a reasonable enough request.

She does know who the person is, its her x GF!

HotHHead

Mmm Me wrote: »

If you can't contact her to ask her how your child is then definitely seek a variation on the access order. She's being totally unreasonable. How would she feel if the tables were turned and she has kids also. How dare she step on your toes and act mother.

Why would she be contacting her at all, she can contact her x who I'm sure is on contact with his GF checking in on his child so he can let mam know how child is..

Pods1987

HotHHead wrote: »

You have a say when your child is with you, when child is with dad it is up to him and this is what you will be told in court! this is not some new 2 week relationship and the dad is pawning the child off on someone he hardly knows. You said the child has been having over nights 2 years now, why all of a sudden do you want to stop access?? Court can not make a third party as in GF do anything. Why would you be txting her? maddness!!

I'm not trying to stop access. Yes access in this house has been happening for nearly 2 years now but her taking care of her has only started to happen in recent weeks. I text her because she's obviously going to be a big part of my daughters life and thought it would be nice for us all to be civil and grown up about things.
I dont want to be her best friend but want to feel comfortable with my child in her care. It's common courtesy in my eyes.

To be honest I really don't see a need for court or solicitors Id she could just be an adult about things. I'm going to be in my exes life as Is he in mine. We have a child together.

HotHHead

Your child has been around and having access around this woman for 2 years.. She obviously has her reasons on why she doesn't want to meet you. I personaly see no issue with use sharing a hello or whatever but how much do you think your going to get to know her in a 5 min chat? your X trusts her enough to leave child with her and to be honest that should be enough..
Your last sentance to me insinuates you feel she is jealous or something? If she is a mother herself, I'm sure she is well aware that her BF and you will have to be involved somewhat for the sake of your child.

Arbiter of Good Taste

To be honest, I really am finding a few of the comments quite disconcerting. This is her child. Her four year old child. It's perfectly reasonable for the OP to want to meet with the person who is caring for that child.

Frankly if the woman is too immature to agree to meet the child's mother, then for me I would be wondering if she is mature enough to be a suitable guardian.

HotHHead

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

To be honest, I really am finding a few of the comments quite disconcerting. This is her child. Her four year old child. It's perfectly reasonable for the OP to want to meet with the person who is caring for that child.

Frankly if the woman is too immature to agree to meet the child's mother, then for me I would be wondering if she is mature enough to be a suitable guardian.

No shes THEIR child, the child is not a possession that the mother owns. If the dad is comfortable and trust his GF to look after child, this should be enough. I could understand this slightly more if this was a new partner but the child has been haven sleep overs in their house for 2 years!

Pods1987

HotHHead wrote: »

Your child has been around and having access around this woman for 2 years.. She obviously has her reasons on why she doesn't want to meet you. I personaly see no issue with use sharing a hello or whatever but how much do you think your going to get to know her in a 5 min chat? your X trusts her enough to leave child with her and to be honest that should be enough..
Your last sentance to me insinuates you feel she is jealous or something? If she is a mother herself, I'm sure she is well aware that her BF and you will have to be involved somewhat for the sake of your child.

That's just the thing she doesn't even say hello to me.... Nothing!! I could see her in a shop and I'm with my daughter and she's with her child and the two kids say hello and wave and she doesn't even turn to look my way. The kids are even starting to see there's an issue there now which I think is wrong!!

I can't think of any reason that she would have an issue with me. I just think its s big ask for me to be ok with her minding my child yet she can't even say hello to me. Sometimes when my child is with my ex or my parents I would ring to see how she is or how she got on at play school but if she is with his partner I feel I can't do this!!

I don't want my ex in my life but I know it's the best thing for our child, I don't want his partner in my life but I'm willing to get along and communicate for the sake of my child!! I'm a genuine and easy going person. I just can't understand the big issue with this

amdublin

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Frankly if the woman is too immature to agree to meet the child's mother, then for me I would be wondering if she is mature enough to be a suitable guardian.

Maybe she's just a really busy person who is busy dealing with life and looking after her own child, and her partner's child when neccessary, and sees no benefit to meeting because it doesn't change anything.

Is he on call already? So she is minding the child already?

What is going to change by "meeting her" or not "meeting her"?

Pods1987

amdublin wrote: »

Maybe she's just a really busy person who is busy dealing with life and looking after her own child, and her partner's child when neccessary, and sees no benefit to meeting because it doesn't change anything.

Is he on call already? So she is minding the child already?

What is going to change by "meeting her" or not "meeting her"?

If she is a busy person then I think she could take 5 mins to meet me. I'm not asking for a full day of her time. I'm a fairly busy person myself, I work and raise my child alone. I'm always on the go but to me this is important.
I'm sure she wouldn't like a complete stranger minding her child!!

Arbiter of Good Taste

HotHHead wrote: »

No shes THEIR child, the child is not a possession that the mother owns. If the dad is comfortable and trust his GF to look after child, this should be enough. I could understand this slightly more if this was a new partner but the child has been haven sleep overs in their house for 2 years!

I did not say the child was a possession, and you are just frankly being argumentative.

Who's to say the father's judgement is sound?

No reasonable parent would leave their child with a babysitter they did not know. Why is this any different. When the father is not home then this woman is effectively the child's babysitter.

HotHHead

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I did not say the child was a possession, and you are just frankly being argumentative.
You stated in your post HER child insiuating to me you feel the child is a possession of the mothers, and I'm argumentative because I don't agree with you!!


Who's to say the father's judgement is sound?
I was waiting for this!! the courts decided when they granted the father access if it was granted through court and if not the op has been sending their child on over nights to dad for two years now so the op clearly has no issues with the fathers judgement as I presume she would have stated so in her original post and if she did have, she can go back to court whenever she feels like it! her issues are with the GF who is none of her business and that is what she will be told in court if she did go back especialy considering the child has been going on over nights to the fathers home for 2 years now!

No reasonable parent would leave their child with a babysitter they did not know. Why is this any different. When the father is not home then this woman is effectively the child's babysitter.

The op is not leaving her child with anyone, the childs father is leaving the child with his GF not a stranger on his time which is again none of the ops business

zoomaway

Pods1987 wrote: »

My daughters (4 years old) father has been in her life since she was born but there has always been something with regards access etc. we don't get on and the last few years have proved quite difficult.
My daughters dad is now living with his partner and has been having regular access with our daughter in this house. The girlfriend however seems to have an issue with me and has point blank refused to meet with me.
His job involves being on 24/7 call out and if our daughter is in his care when he gets called out its his girlfriend who looks after her. This is where my issue is.
She has my phone number incase of emergency but refuses to meet with me or have any other contact with me.
Am I over reacting or is this scenario strange? I'm not comfortable with someone caring for my child if they refuse to have the decency to talk to me.
Any advice or opinions welcome!!

Well, I have a little girl and I would be really upset if I were in your situation. Of course this woman should meet you so that you can have a working relationship for the sake of your little girl. What if your little girl became ill and your ex was not contactable at work would this woman even ring you? I know she has your emergency number but if she can't even look at you in a shop you'd begin to wonder how reliable/ sane she even is.

I definitely would not leave my child with this woman whom you have never even met.
Get legal advice. Imo it's just not on. Stand your ground - you are doing this for your daughter. Wishing you the very best of luck. Ps don't listen to the naysayers here you have every right to be concerned and you are being a good mother.

LegacyUser

Have you spoke to your daughter about this woman? What they do together, how they get on etc.? This would be a good indictor of if there is anything to worry about.

DM addict

Pods1987 wrote: »

That's just the thing she doesn't even say hello to me.... Nothing!! I could see her in a shop and I'm with my daughter and she's with her child and the two kids say hello and wave and she doesn't even turn to look my way. The kids are even starting to see there's an issue there now which I think is wrong!!

To me, this is what would be causing alarm bells. Why would she not even say hello?? It's illogical and is impacting the kids.

I get where people are coming from saying 'you're trusting the father so trust the girlfriend' - but the girlfriend is behaving very oddly. If she and the OP are within the same community, it's far from unreasonable to ask her to be civil and polite.

It's always the ideal to have everyone involved in a child's care on good terms - not always possible, obviously. But if I was leaving my child with someone, then I'd want to know they'd drop me a line if they realised that a favourite toy had been left behind, and so on. Not big in depth conversations, but enough respect for a working relationship. Because that's what the OP, her ex, and the girlfriend should have.

HotHHead

DM addict wrote: »

To me, this is what would be causing alarm bells. Why would she not even say hello?? It's illogical and is impacting the kids.

I get where people are coming from saying 'you're trusting the father so trust the girlfriend' - but the girlfriend is behaving very oddly. If she and the OP are within the same community, it's far from unreasonable to ask her to be civil and polite.

It's always the ideal to have everyone involved in a child's care on good terms - not always possible, obviously. But if I was leaving my child with someone, then I'd want to know they'd drop me a line if they realised that a favourite toy had been left behind, and so on. Not big in depth conversations, but enough respect for a working relationship. Because that's what the OP, her ex, and the girlfriend should have.

I don't buy for a second that she just refuses to say hello for no reason!! there has to be a reason. Especially as she is a mam herself. Only thing I can think of is that she has been in the same situation before and after meeting the mam things went south or bad or whatever.

I've been here before on both sides of the coin, I was never formally introduced to my x's partner, my ds always had nice things to say about her, was happy to go and happy on the odd occasion that she minded him on her own, his dad trusted her and although I despise! my X he would never put ds at risk so I trusted him as he is my sons dad. I did of course eventually meet her, at activities, occasions etc but I never demanded it it just fell into place.

The other side my partners x wanted to meet me years ago, go for coffee, she had been carrying on crazy stopping starting access etc, turning up at my partners house etc I just didn't want to meet her, she was like a crazy irate energiser bunny, no thanks! we did the hello this is HH etc, you know introductions and from then on her demands just got worse, she wanted my number to know where I lived, about my family, my son his dad.. In my experience although this seems like a simple enough introduction, it can lead to madness.

DM addict

HotHHead wrote: »

I don't buy for a second that she just refuses to say hello for no reason!! there has to be a reason. Especially as she is a mam herself. Only thing I can think of is that she has been in the same situation before and after meeting the mam things went south or bad or whatever.

I've been here before on both sides of the coin, I was never formally introduced to my x's partner, my ds always had nice things to say about her, was happy to go and happy on the odd occasion that she minded him on her own, his dad trusted her and although I despise! my X he would never put ds at risk so I trusted him as he is my sons dad. I did of course eventually meet her, at activities, occasions etc but I never demanded it it just fell into place.

The other side my partners x wanted to meet me years ago, go for coffee, she had been carrying on crazy stopping starting access etc, turning up at my partners house etc I just didn't want to meet her, she was like a crazy irate energiser bunny, no thanks! we did the hello this is HH etc, you know introductions and from then on her demands just got worse, she wanted my number to know where I lived, about my family, my son his dad.. In my experience although this seems like a simple enough introduction, it can lead to madness.

We have to trust the OP when she says she can't think of a reason why. Sure, there may be something she's not telling us, or something she's not considered, but we have to assume she's being honest.

Even if there's been a previous bad experience, what the OP is asking for isn't unreasonable. She wants to be introduced to someone who is part of her child's life and who may be in loco parentis when her ex has to work.

It doesn't seem as though the OP is going down the route of your partner's crazy ex - which sounds like it was bonkers for you. But even if someone has treated the OP's ex's girlfriend similarly in the past, it doesn't mean that she should automatically assume that the OP is going to go nuts at her. It's not a grown-up way to act.

It doesn't help that the OP has said she doesn't have a great relationship with her ex - I can see this being at the root of the girlfriend's reluctance - she's heard stories (true/false/mixture) and as such just doesn't want to know. But it's seeming as though the OP is trying to be the responsible adult here, and is being penalised for it.

zoomaway

DM addict wrote: »

We have to trust the OP when she says she can't think of a reason why. Sure, there may be something she's not telling us, or something she's not considered, but we have to assume she's being honest.

Even if there's been a previous bad experience, what the OP is asking for isn't unreasonable. She wants to be introduced to someone who is part of her child's life and who may be in loco parentis when her ex has to work.

It doesn't seem as though the OP is going down the route of your partner's crazy ex - which sounds like it was bonkers for you. But even if someone has treated the OP's ex's girlfriend similarly in the past, it doesn't mean that she should automatically assume that the OP is going to go nuts at her. It's not a grown-up way to act.

It doesn't help that the OP has said she doesn't have a great relationship with her ex - I can see this being at the root of the girlfriend's reluctance - she's heard stories (true/false/mixture) and as such just doesn't want to know. But it's seeming as though the OP is trying to be the responsible adult here, and is being penalised for it.

In my opinion the child is the number one priority here and if I were in this situation I'd get the best legal advice I could afford and take proceedings to put this stupid girlfriend back in her box and safeguard the welfare of my child. No way should a mother have to put up with this . There can be no excuses, no justifications for the appalling attitude of this girlfriend.

zoomaway

In my opinion the child is the number one priority here and if I were in this situation I'd get the best legal advice I could afford and take proceedings to put this stupid girlfriend back in her box and safeguard the welfare of my child. No way should a mother have to put up with this . There can be no excuses, no justifications for the appalling attitude of this girlfriend. Children are very precious and we need to know that they are in safe hands at all times.

HotHHead

DM addict wrote: »

It doesn't help that the OP has said she doesn't have a great relationship with her ex - I can see this being at the root of the girlfriend's reluctance - she's heard stories (true/false/mixture) and as such just doesn't want to know. But it's seeming as though the OP is trying to be the responsible adult here, and is being penalised for it.

I'd say theres definately a bit of this to it. She seems to have been quite persistant, asking her x over and over again and the txting the GF it just doesn't sit with me that theres nothing else to it. Yes we can only go by what the op says on here but to me its just not realistic.

While its no big deal to say hello, its the GF choice to choose not to meet her is she chooses. No court can make a judgement that affects a third party, so going to court will get the op nowhere no matter how much she pays for legal advice. The op hasn't once said the child is unhappy, unsafe, she can contact her x if she needs anything and away you go.
It comes across as controlling and demanding and totally undermining the dad and what he chooses to do when their child is with him on his time.

zoomaway

HotHHead wrote: »

I'd say theres definately a bit of this to it. She seems to have been quite persistant, asking her x over and over again and the txting the GF it just doesn't sit with me that theres nothing else to it. Yes we can only go by what the op says on here but to me its just not realistic.

While its no big deal to say hello, its the GF choice to choose not to meet her is she chooses. No court can make a judgement that affects a third party, so going to court will get the op nowhere no matter how much she pays for legal advice. The op hasn't once said the child is unhappy, unsafe, she can contact her x if she needs anything and away you go.
It comes across as controlling and demanding and totally undermining the dad and what he chooses to do when their child is with him on his time.

Actually it is the Dad who is undermining her and her wishes and not the other way round.