Gf jealous rages & despair :(

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I'm in a really difficult situation at the moment and it's tearing me apart.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for almost 5 years and engaged for the last year. She is an absolute knock out and I love her to pieces but her jealous rages, paranoia and outright spying on me are driving me over the edge.

Her jealousy has always been a bit of an issue and I admit at first I found it flattering and quite endearing. I mean, this girl is stunning looking. She's done a fair bit of modelling work (some of you might even recognise her) so you'd think that'd be enough validation and reason for her not to feel threatened but that's not the case.

We're both 31 and we've been living together for the past few years. I've never cheated on her (why go out and eat steak when I have a cow at home or whatever that staying is!). She reads my emails, has gone through my phone, I've been made on more then one occasion to empty my pockets when I came home. She's arrived at work night outs uninvited, followed me home from work (insane I know!) but the cherry on top was on Friday when she arrived at my office and made a scene because I didn't answer my phone when she called. I have a demanding job with a high level of calls so can't just answer my mobile if it rings and she knows this.

What triggered this is a new girl started at my job a couple of weeks ago and I foolishly made the mistake of saying she's nice-looking. Well, my gf asked me is she pretty and all I said was yeah she's alright which is true. She's only about 22, fresh out of college and I have zero Interest in her! My German colleague was hitting on her during the week and I mentioned this in passing to her which is when she asked why, is she pretty or something? I would have said no, she's horrible if I knew how much trouble I would have saved myself.

I was mortified in work on Friday; she almost made the receptionist cry. I know I'm painting a really bad picture of her but underneath all the jealousy she's such an amazing woman. I am madly in love with her and count my lucky stars every day. She's so gorgeous, smart and funny. I couldn't find a better soul mate and want to marry this angel but her rages are out of control. I don't know what to and to be honest, my work colleagues already have a low opinion of her due to arriving unexpectedly at work night outs where we've specifically been told NOT to bring Partners. A few weeks ago she arrived at a bar we were in and we had a section booked privately. She was pretty oiled up and made a bit of a show of me. She wouldn't believe me that it was a staff-only event. It was my bosses 60th birthday and it's a very small company I work for. Nobody brought their partner but she barged her way in.

Sorry for the long post but I'm at my wits end. I've tried talking to her, suggested counselling, couples or otherwise, I've proposed to her, I tell her everyday how amazing she is, I would do anything for her and yet she doesn't trust me.

Irony is, she goes out with 'the gurlz 'all the time to hen weekends and what not but if I so much as ask did anyone hit on you, she goes mental. Men stare at her everywhere we go; Jesus priests would give it to her ffs and I’m the one in trouble CONSTANTLY.

Please please help. I can't take this anymore but breaking up is not an option as I'm devoted to her and helplessly in love

Tokyo

OP, unfortunately you are finding out the hard way that no matter how beautiful you think somebody may be, or no matter how much you love them, sometimes issues can arise that no other person can fix for her. Through her own insecurities she is destroying your relationship, no matter what you do, she will always find a reason to not trust you, and there is nothing that you can do to convince her otherwise. Your girlfriend needs professional help, and if she's unwilling to seek that out for the sake of your relationship, then you may need to walk away.

I know that it's not what you want to do, but it may be the only way that she sees the effect that her behaviour is having on other people in her life.

Czarcasm

Gentleman's Wit wrote: »

Please please help. I can't take this anymore but breaking up is not an option as I'm devoted to her and helplessly in love

Breaking up is realistically your only option tbh. What you both have there isn't love, it's a relationship based on neediness, jealousy and insecurity, and honestly - one of you is as bad as the other. I could've suggested relationship counselling, but I reckon you'd both only be wasting a relationship counsellor's time with both your immaturity and dramatics.

StripedBoxers

Mike_ie is right OP. If she was my partner I would be up for murder, how in the name of jesus you have stuck it this long I will never understand, but anyway......

Gentleman's Wit wrote: »

Please please help. I can't take this anymore but breaking up is not an option as I'm devoted to her and helplessly in love

Your girlfriend clearly needs professional help, but won't get it. So you have two options as far as I can see:

1) Stay with her and continue to put up with this behaviour.

2) Leave her and you will get over her. It won't be easy, but it will take time, lots of time, it won't be days, or weeks, it could be months, or years even.

Or you could try and persuade her again to get counselling.

Could you speak to anyone (her family, friends etc) that could speak to her and get her to see that she needs help? And see how unreasonable her behaviour is?

If you won't leave her, if she won't get help, and if you really can't put up with this any more, what do you want to do? I mean, she has to want to help herself, and if she won't do that, no one or nothing can help her.

Maybe if your relationship ended she might realise what she lost and it may spur her into getting the help she so badly and clearly needs. But if you threaten to break up with her, you need to follow through with it rather than threaten it and then back down.

Quite honestly - arriving at work, making a scene and almost making a colleague cry? That is absolutely scandalous behaviour. As for turning up on work nights out etc.

You say your colleagues have a low-opinion of her, what about your other friends (from childhood, school, college, hobbies etc?) what do they think of her? What do your family think of her?

Personally I would walk. I could not put up with that behaviour at all.

ElleEm

OP, I agree with StripedBoxers.
You either live this life forever or you do something about it.
Your girlfriend needs counselling. You should really tell her at this stage that she begins therapy or you will leave her. It sounds far too deeply rooted for her to just change by herself. she needs help, and you deserve to be happy.

maria34

I hope your boss doesnt get annoyed after all the scenes she might cause in the future . And she will.

You problably wint break up with her so you have to keep up with it. Nothing else we can say here really.

What exacly you love in her? Looks? Because she sounds like a nutjob to be honest. You have no space.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe I'm wrong here but you've put this girl up on something of a pedestal. You keep going on about how beautiful she is and you refer to her as an angel at one stage. She sounds like a very troubled young woman and if she refuses to seek professional help for this, it's going to wear you down. You've backed yourself into a corner here by saying breaking up isn't an option. You're not leaving yourself any other choices but to live a life of paranoia and misery if she refuses to make changes herself.

SpaceTime

That's no way to live your life!

Barging into your workplace and publicly humiliating you is really crossing the line. If someone did that to me they would be getting dumped.

You need to ask yourself what are you getting from this relationship? A relationship isn't about you serving someone's every whim and taking abuse just because they're pretty.

Are you happy? If not ask yourself why you're in this relationship.

I know it's a cliché but there are quite genuinely plenty of other fish in the sea and many of them are very nice!

Think long and hard before you consider getting married! Divorces in Ireland are still very drawn out!

Also bear in mind you'll both be old and wrinkly in 30 years time, so being with someone you're in love with rather than just being impressed by good looks counts for an awful lot.

Just imagine her as a grumpy, aggressive, control freak in her 50s with grey hair for a bit of perspective!

Gatling

I feel your pain chap ,I'm 12 years with a jealous partner

But your basically in a mentally abusive relationship it might not seem it you or others ,
but you are you shouldn't have to fear what reactions or repercussions your girlfriend will have for innocent things ,
She may be stunning but he's got an ugly streak and apparently unwilling to get any help ,
You either stay and she becomes a burden on you or you wake up and realise killer looks isnt everything from your post your obviously unhappy with the situation ,maybe sometime apart might do your head some good and allow you to properly evaluate the situation

SpaceTime

I'd also add you mention soulmate.
You wouldn't in any way be afraid of someone who was genuinely your soulmate.

A soulmate is something very different from what you're describing! They're someone who understands you at a very deep level, you trust each other and are actually partners!
They're your best, best mate.

What you're describing is more like Stockholm syndrome!

Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I see it!

BraziliaNZ

Czarcasm wrote: »

Breaking up is realistically your only option tbh. What you both have there isn't love, it's a relationship based on neediness, jealousy and insecurity, and honestly - one of you is as bad as the other. I could've suggested relationship counselling, but I reckon you'd both only be wasting a relationship counsellor's time with both your immaturity and dramatics.

Can you clarify what immature or dramatics he has done? He's clearly in love with this girl and he realises that her behaviour is unacceptable. He's suggested counselling and is on here looking for advice. How is he being dramatic?

How is he being immature? I genuinely don't get why you think that?

nursejackie

OP,

What struck me about your post is that you seem completely blinded by this girl's looks. You referenced how good looking she was several times as if this somehow excuses her behaviour or makes it more acceptable than if she was ordinary looking!! I am wondering if having this stunning looking girlfriend is some kind of ego boost for you, other men giving you envious stares etc. Remember looks fade and if you plan and marrying this woman you aren't just marrying her looks you get the whole deal! How your girlfriend is behaving is not healthy, she sounds unwell and that is not going to change without professional help. Bear in mind it will take time too.

daRobot

Czarcasm wrote: »

Breaking up is realistically your only option tbh. What you both have there isn't love, it's a relationship based on neediness, jealousy and insecurity, and honestly - one of you is as bad as the other. I could've suggested relationship counselling, but I reckon you'd both only be wasting a relationship counsellor's time with both your immaturity and dramatics.

You really have some audacity to write that, knowing the limited amount that you do from his first post.

While it's clear that you fancy yourself as the boards.ie amateur psychologist, you should have enough sense to know that making a declarative statement based on such limited facts, ironically shows how limited you are in your own scope.

Pathetically bad advice.

LegacyUser

You think she's bad now? Marriage won't stop that behaviour man, I actually worry for you if you don't leave her..

I'd be very interested to know how she defends her actions, especially that outrageous incident at work. Does she ask you to keep these things to yourself and not tell friends? Does she 'allow' you out with non work friends at all? How does she behave if you're a few minutes late?

I can only speak from my observation, but people I've known with similar streaks are very self-centered and want all the attention on them. Breaching your privacy alone is an unforgivable act in my opinion, and your boundaries are being constantly eroded. Over time, you can expect her to dictate when you can or can't leave the house, especially if she never gets help or admits she has issues.

Could you really live with that?

LegacyUser

Going to be very blunt here OP from what you've described your girlfriend has some serious psychological problems. Seriously. The behaviour you've described is not just abnormal, it's utterly utterly antisocial, and not the actions of a mentally stable individual.

Your girlfriend isn't going to deal with these issues. She doesn't have to. Like you said she's beautiful, stunning etc, and that's what she uses to get by, her behaviour isn't something that just slowly developed, like you said yourself OP it was there from the start and long before she met you I'd bet. You can dump her OP and she'll simply move on to the next man who places a persons worth in their beauty for whom personality means nothing. There's plenty of those types of men and women out there OP, your gf hasnt dealt with her issues because she's never had to, its always been accepted, and she will never deal with her issues because it will continue to be accepted.

You however OP clearly have issues too. Have you ever questioned why you're willing to accept a jealous insecure spiteful manipulative untrusting partner? Why are you selling yourself so short and tolerating a destructive unhealthy relationship? Anyone with a shred of self esteem would be long gone. Why are you willing to accept a lifetime of misery (and it will be misery OP her behaviour will only get worse if you marry her or have kids with her) all for a pretty face and a nice body?

believe it or not OP there are attractive, stunning women out there who aren't deeply unstable, who are not only funny and smart and beautiful but also loving caring and trusting.

Do you want children some day OP? Can you honestly see this woman as a good mother? Subjecting any future children to the embarrassment and mental impact of her rages and temper and paranoia?

All you gain by staying with this woman OP is a life of misery and embarrassment.

vitani

OP reread your first post but imagine it's a woman talking about her gorgeous, but jealous, boyfriend. What would your advice be?

She may be beautiful, you may not want to break up with her, but her behaviour is seriously unacceptable. She's not going to wake up one day and suddenly feel secure. So, either you break up with her or she gets some kind of professional help.

LegacyUser

sometimes people who behave like this, granted not as bad as what you have described are insecure due to the fact that they cheat themselves.....

Czarcasm

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Can you clarify what immature or dramatics he has done? He's clearly in love with this girl and he realises that her behaviour is unacceptable. He's suggested counselling and is on here looking for advice. How is he being dramatic?

How is he being immature? I genuinely don't get why you think that?

Well for starters he knows how insecure this girl is, yet he chooses to tell her this attractive 22 year old has started in work, he goes on about how stunning his girlfriend is, and asks her were any guys hitting on her when she goes out with her friends, then wonders why she's hitting the roof. He has her calling into the office and making a show of both of them. She won't go to counselling, and he says breaking up with her isn't an option... and marrying her is?

The OP is only setting himself up for a lifetime of misery and drama and at 31 years of age should really know better, yet his post reads like a 21 year old who thinks he will never find anyone else like her, and seems to base this purely on her looks, because she doesn't seem to have a whole lot else going for her, and the relationship doesn't seem to be founded on anything more than a superficial basis. I wouldn't care if she looked like Mila Kunis, there's no way anyone should tolerate being treated the way this girl is treating the OP, and cymbaline earlier mentioned that the OP is putting this girl up on a pedestal because he thinks he loves her. It doesn't read to me like there's any love in that relationship when the OP feels like they have no choice but to stay with this girl.

daRobot wrote: »

You really have some audacity to write that, knowing the limited amount that you do from his first post.

While it's clear that you fancy yourself as the boards.ie amateur psychologist, you should have enough sense to know that making a declarative statement based on such limited facts, ironically shows how limited you are in your own scope.

Pathetically bad advice.

Amateur psychologist? Beam in your own eye much? How about instead of telling me how bad my advice is, you focus on the OP and give them some advice instead if you disagree with mine.

Beautiful and angelic aren't synonyms for controlling and abusive.

Living in fear of your partner showing up and making you look bad in front of your work colleagues and your boss means she's controlling you with the threat of further capricious and malicious behaviour. I can't understand why anyone would consider this as the behaviour of an endearing person.

Prison guards are supposed to go through your pockets, partners aren't.

Stavro Mueller

Here's another thought - maybe on some level she knows she can get away with murder because she knows how you feel about her. There are no consequences for her behaviour because you're so obviously in love (in thrall?) with her and aren't ever going to dump her.

retro:electro

It's always the most beautiful who are the most insecure.

MagicMarker

OP, would you still be with this woman if she wasn't so gorgeous? It almost sounds to me like you can't believe your luck getting with someone so beautiful.

If breaking up is not an option then why are you posting here? There are two options, one is her seeking professional help, the other is you breaking up with her. If you're not prepared to go through with the latter then you may as well just accept that this is your life from now on.

Enjoy.

YumCha

OP, given that you've said you don't want to break up but that you also want help the only thing I can tell you really is that you should get yourself to a counsellor.

My main worry is that you've let pretty much all of your boundaries be eroded - your personal privacy, your place of employment, your social life... I'd say for most people any ONE of these would be reason to pack it in, but it seems that there's no line that she could cross that would be 'enough' - and to me that's a real cause for concern.

She is not your responsibility to fix. Your responsibility is to yourself, your mental health, and your standing at your job - and right now, those are being completely neglected. Please talk to someone - hopefully they can help you understand and address why you've let someone treat you like this.

Jenneke87

I firmly believe that love is not just a matter of the heart, and in some cases, no matter how painful, common sense has to be used. Your GF's behaviour is not going to magically dissapear overnight without some serious help and you standing your ground that she has to get it because her jealousy and very inappopriate public behaviour is making your relationship with her impossible. And if she won't have it, than what makes you think a ring on her finger is going to change anything? If anything it's going to make it worse, because the inevitable break-up will be that much more difficult, and if you're already at your wits end with her, your marriage will fall apart, garanteed.

You mention a number of times how gorgeous she is. Are you, deep down afraid that if you lose her you'll never find anyone similar look-wise, and people wondering why you let such a stunner go? Looks will fade with time, bad character usually doesn't. It's up to you what you wanna live with.

Taltos

daRobot - welcome to PI/RI.
Can I please ask you to read our charter before you post again here. Personal attacks are not acceptable here and generally result in an immediate ban. Not everyone here is going to give the same advice, and often that advice might not seem reasonable to you, but that does not mean you can call it silly or otherwise disrespect it or the poster who has taken time out of their day to try to help a stranger...

Due to the nature of the issues here this is a strictly moderated forum, for your continued enjoyment here please as above read our charter and if you cannot post in a civil constructive manner please don't post at all.

Czarcasm, please don't respond to posts like this, just report them, it might take us a while but we will review each reported post. Otherwise you run the risk of crossing the charter as well.

Thanks
Taltos

Legs.Eleven

anna080 wrote: »

It's always the most beautiful who are the most insecure.

I don't think so. I think their behaviour is more surprising because they're beautiful and you wouldn't expect it.




Her beauty can't possibly compensate for her behaviour though. You will drive yourself demented. No one can put up with a lifetime of that bollocks.

helimachoptor

one of those memes i see pop up now and then

" no matter how beautiful she is,someone somewhere is sick of her s**t"


Unfortunately her behaviour is not going to change. If she wants to be jealous and you're happy to stick around for it then do it at home.

If my wife pulled something like that, i'd be asking for a divorce tbh

She will not change..

Legs.Eleven

" no matter how beautiful she is,someone somewhere is sick of her s**t"

I don't get this. Can you explain that one to me?

Toots

OP, I'm going to agree with everyone else here and say your GF needs counselling at the very least. Although, going by what you're saying about her frankly disturbing behaviour, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up needing psychiatric help. I get that some guys/girls are the jealous types but this is just beyond reason. I very much doubt this carry on is solely due to her being insecure or having low self esteem, although that might be part of it, it's a small part of something much bigger. If she does agree to counselling you need to go as a couple so that you can explain to the therapist just how bad things are, otherwise you won't know if she's told the therapist the truth.

Just wondering did she put a lot of pressure on you to pop the question? When you were planning to ask her was a part of you hoping it would make her calm down? Imagine it was one of your friends who was in your situation and was telling you what was going on and asked for advice, what would you tell him?

How do you get on with her family or her friends? Do any of them know she's like this? Would you be close enough to them to ask them has she always been like this or is this something that has only happened with you.

You'd want to be out of your mind to marry this girl as things stand. Relationships are built on trust, and (regardless of the fact that she could be mentally ill) she has absolutely zero trust for you. When you get married you're promising to be faithful to her and 'forsake all others' and vice versa, but that only works if the two getting married believe the vows the other person is making. If your GF is so mistrusting of you then getting married isn't going to be some sort of magic bullet because she's simply not going to believe what you're saying.

Realistically if things continue the way they are your life is going to be miserable, there's no two ways about it. She's already barged into your office and made a scene once, what's to stop her doing it again. That is something that could potentially cause you to lose your job. Disregarding that, it will probably come to the point that you'll be quietly asked not to come along on staff nights out because she always shows up. Same with nights out with your friends. Have you thought about this?

I think one of the most important things you need to do is have a look at your own self esteem, because it strikes me that it must be pretty low. You keep mentioning how beautiful she is and that she's angelic etc, but honestly that doesn't negate all the other massive issues she has. I have absolutely terrible self esteem, really bad, but if my husband were to carry on the way your GF is carrying on I would leave because no matter now low my opinion is of myself, I know that nobody deserves to be treated like that.

ElleEm

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I don't get this. Can you explain that one to me?

It basically means just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean they are perfect. Beautiful people can be headwreckers too!

Big Bag of Chips

I have heard it said here before, and by the end of the thread it is almost always proven to be true, that if a partner is checking up on you constantly, accusing you of cheating etc it is because they have cheated, and are judging you by their standards.

The fact that she gets so defensive and aggressive when you ask her about lads chatting her up on a night out makes me think 'the lady dost protest too much'. You say she is stunning. So she obviously gets lots of male attention on all these nights out that you're not around. Are you 100% certain that she isn't flattered by the attention, and occassionally lets it go too far?

I just think the fact that she is so suspicious of what you get up to, with seemingly no basis whatsoever, means that maybe it's coming from her, and how she behaves on a night out.

qdawg86

This woman sounds terribly insecure and unhappy and in about 10 years time you are potentially going to be dealing with not only insecurities about the relationship but the insecurities of a former model who looks are fading fast.............you only get one life- don't live it in misery.

Suggest counselling to her maybe.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I just think the fact that she is so suspicious of what you get up to, with seemingly no basis whatsoever, means that maybe it's coming from her, and how she behaves on a night out.

It very likely is projection, specially since she flips if she's questioned herself.

People like that tend to think other people would behave the same way themselves if the opportunity arises, making them paranoid.

K_P

Hi OP,

What has your girlfriend's reaction been when you suggested counselling? I can't imagine she was too amenable to it if you are still having such awful problems with her.

Her behaviour is appalling and, like others, I get a strong sense that you're putting up with her paranoia and tantrums because she's physically beautiful and you can't quite believe your luck. You're fooling yourself if you think you're lucky to be with a model. She might get lots of admiring glances from other guys but any one of those guys would run a mile from her behaviour if they'd even an ounce of self-respect. You're selling yourself short - you think you've hit the jackpot with this stunner when in fact you're stuck with a nightmare of a person who no one else would have.

She will not change of her own accord, she (presumably) has refused counselling and if you're ruled out breaking up with her, then what are we actually discussing here? There's no magic wand, only standing up to her and making tough decisions.

carraig2

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I have heard it said here before, and by the end of the thread it is almost always proven to be true, that if a partner is checking up on you constantly, accusing you of cheating etc it is because they have cheated, and are judging you by their standards.

The fact that she gets so defensive and aggressive when you ask her about lads chatting her up on a night out makes me think 'the lady dost protest too much'. You say she is stunning. So she obviously gets lots of male attention on all these nights out that you're not around. Are you 100% certain that she isn't flattered by the attention, and occassionally lets it go too far?

I just think the fact that she is so suspicious of what you get up to, with seemingly no basis whatsoever, means that maybe it's coming from her, and how she behaves on a night out.

Maybe there is an element of truth in this, I don't know. Is it just as likely that as a physically beautiful person she gets hit on all the time by guys including married ones, and she feels all men are the same.
Not excusing her behaviour at all and I would walk from this girl but bit harsh suggesting she is suspicious because she could be a cheat herself.

Big Bag of Chips

carraig2 wrote: »

Is it just as likely that as a physically beautiful person she gets hit on all the time by guys including married ones, and she feels all men are the same.

Well then she'll never be able to trust any man to be in a relationship with her. In.which case she should remain single for a while until she matures and can realise that all men are not the same.

None of us know her reasons for behaving as she does. All we can do is offer varying perspectives to you OP, and let you decide yourself what you should do next.

fussyonion

I used to be a jealous partner in the beginning of my relationship but I'm the total opposite now.
I implicitly trust my partner and I know he would never stray. What we have is too good.
Your girlfriend, OP, is insecure, despite her looks and if you really feel you can maintain this relationship then fair play to you, but it isn't healthy or normal.

Oh and by the way, to whoever slated Czarcasm, I happen to think he/she is a very supportive PI contributor, who gives good advice, so leave off the insults.

banie01

Mike.ie and others have offered some sage advice which I would echo.
You can't "fix" your partner's insecurities and worries, but you also should not have to be treated as a chattel because of her issues.
Relationships, no matter how much 2 people love other are based on 2 foundations apart from attraction....
Trust, and respect!
Whilst ye may attracted to each other, there is a serious dearth of trust and respect from your partner and without those, you are clinging on to what amounts an abusive relationship because you hope that "love" will make it better.
It won't, your partner needs to address the cause of her insecurity and hopefully you can support her in that and build a strong foundation for a future together.

Other than that, while your partner may be pretty....
That doesn't give her a right to control you, no matter how much you love her.
As a wiser man than me once said "for every beautiful woman in the world, there's someone sick of listening to her guff"

I hope it works out well for you OP but just think on this, if you were a woman and your partner was a man, your situation would be a textbook example of emotional abuse and control and the advice would be get out.

carraig2

banie01 wrote: »

Mike.ie and others have offered some sage advice which I would echo.
You can't "fix" your partner's insecurities and worries, but you also should not have to be treated as a chattel because of her issues.
Relationships, no matter how much 2 people love other are based on 2 foundations apart from attraction....
Trust, and respect!
Whilst ye may attracted to each other, there is a serious dearth of trust and respect from your partner and without those, you are clinging on to what amounts an abusive relationship because you hope that "love" will make it better.
It won't, your partner needs to address the cause of her insecurity and hopefully you can support her in that and build a strong foundation for a future together.

Other than that, while your partner may be pretty....
That doesn't give her a right to control you, no matter how much you love her.
As a wiser man than me once said "for every beautiful woman in the world, there's someone sick of listening to her guff"

I hope it works out well for you OP but just think on this, if you were a woman and your partner was a man, your situation would be a textbook example of emotional abuse and control and the advice would be get out.

Good point, well said.

BraziliaNZ

banie01 wrote: »

As a wiser man than me once said "for every beautiful woman in the world, there's someone sick of listening to her guff"

I don't get this, you're making out like all women are doing someone's head in no matter what they look like! You can be beautiful and really nice too (myself being a perfect example).

Czarcasm

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I don't get this, you're making out like all women are doing someone's head in no matter what they look like! You can be beautiful and really nice too (myself being a perfect example).

I think it just means BN that not everyone is going to like you (and it'd apply equally to either gender), there's always going to be somebody that doesn't like you for whatever their reasons are.

For example for the OP, his girlfriend could feel threatened by this new girl fresh out of college at work that the OP admitted was attractive (a bad move when the OP after five years with this girl knew how insecure she was given that he has to constantly reassure her, mentally draining in itself), or it could just be that someone doesn't like you because you're successful or popular (or work hard enough to be both), and they feel a need to 'take you down a peg or two' so to speak.

dipdip

Looks fade.

Flippyfloppy

carraig2 wrote: »

Maybe there is an element of truth in this, I don't know. Is it just as likely that as a physically beautiful person she gets hit on all the time by guys including married ones, and she feels all men are the same.
Not excusing her behaviour at all and I would walk from this girl but bit harsh suggesting she is suspicious because she could be a cheat herself.

As well as this maybe OPs gf, being so attractive on the outside, feels that her looks are everything and has been conditioned to think she gets all this attention solely because of her looks...it's all about looks etc.

Perhaps she thinks it could all be taken away from her & all it takes is a younger/more attractive model. She must feel pretty bad about whatever she's got going on on the inside.

RossFixxxed

dipdip wrote: »

Looks fade.

"People die, buildings burn, feelings change. But true love is forever. " ;P

Seriously though, the OP does read like:

She's gorgeous (cool)
She's good looking (ok got that)
She's a model (ok...)
You might recognise her (I don't care)
She's a stunner (this is getting boring now)
She's hot (yawwwn)
She's really crazy, jealous, insecure, interferring with my career, embarrassing me, controlling. (mmmhmm... wait WHAT?)


This behaviour isn't on, and you are blinded by her looks more than anything else it seems. You need a break and some perspective. This either has to change or you need to walk away. You're allowed to have female friends, good looking ones too, and female collegues WITHOUT the concept of 'being allowed' being a real thing. You're a grown man. Love isn't about any of this, and a future of watching what you say and pandering to this isn't a good idea.

At all.

And as others have said, she's protesting TOO much.

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

"People die, buildings burn, feelings change. But true love is forever. " ;P

Seriously though, the OP does read like:

She's gorgeous (cool)
She's good looking (ok got that)
She's a model (ok...)
You might recognise her (I don't care)
She's a stunner (this is getting boring now)
She's hot (yawwwn)
She's really crazy, jealous, insecure, interferring with my career, embarrassing me, controlling. (mmmhmm... wait WHAT?)


This behaviour isn't on, and you are blinded by her looks more than anything else it seems. You need a break and some perspective. This either has to change or you need to walk away. You're allowed to have female friends, good looking ones too, and female collegues WITHOUT the concept of 'being allowed' being a real thing. You're a grown man. Love isn't about any of this, and a future of watching what you say and pandering to this isn't a good idea.

At all.

And as others have said, she's protesting TOO much.

Totally agreed! You seem to be way too invested in her looks, as does she.

The problem is that you are using her looks as an excuse for horrible awful behaviour. If she wasn't so good looking, would you be so forgiving?

I genuinely think that you are staying in an absolutely truly awful and abusive relationship because you are obsessed by her her looks. That's not a long term foundation, it's a shaky unreal one. Do you two really connect at all?

Taltos

Am with the others OP - this sounds more about Control than Love.
Getting a break for you both would be good - it would give you a chance to see if you can salvage your professional career and to see if personally you are more damaged than you realise.
Hopefully with her it will be the wakeup call she needs to get help.

You may not get back together - personally unless she admits and gets help I don't think you should but right this minute I think you need to take a stand just to save your own sanity and get a breather.
Life and love is tough enough with sickness and other issues without a headwrecker like this destroying your sense of self (and your sense of what is appropriate + your career).

ongarboy

It's interesting OP that you call her your soulmate. I think you misunderstand the meaning of soul mate. Someone who conducts such toxic behaviour and disrespect to you is not a soul mate. Soul mates are fairly rare companions that you enjoy an almost near perfect relationship with in almost every way (mutual respect, shared beliefs and outlooks, humour and personality, sexual chemistry, romance, absolute trust). Most of these attributes seem to be lacking from what you've described. In fact many relationships may lack a lot of those attributes but would still be a lot healthier than what you've described.

I fear that you seem to make so many allowances for her because of her beauty. The fact you over-describe and keep repeating about her looks, even when it's not relevant to most of your problems with her, suggests that having the trophy girlfriend is clouding your judgement. You need to decide what is more important to you - having a girlfriend who trusts you and respects your boundaries and respects you -period....or someone who will not do any of that but causes all the guys to look at you with envy and gives you a shallow sense of accomplishment or that you have "scored big time". If you have healthy self esteem, the decision (and the genuine score) should be obvious.

Neyite

So domestic violence is to be tolerated and endured if the perpetrator is goodlooking then OP?

But she is not gorgeous. There is a pretty shell there with seething anger, insecurity, hate and jealousy inside. She is ugly inside. There is nothing beautiful about that.

Fentdog84

tbh op it says alot about your own values when the overriding factor for you is her physical prowess. It shows your own insecurities that you need this kind of ego boost/status, and everything else is secondary.perhaps she knows this and maybe its making her feel even more insecure. Of course its important to find someone attractive, but attraction is all about perception. I dont really believe in this 'super-hot' concept. Its a manipulated form of attractiveness usually done for commercial or narcissistic purposes. its not really real. I think your only deluding yourself.

retro:electro

To be fair to the OP I think his various acknowledgements of his girlfriends beauty was his way of illustrating that she doesn't need to be so insecure rather than him making excuses for staying with her because she happens to be beautiful.
That kind of humiliating behaviour towards you is so disrespectful and boarder line abusive op. If you are unwilling to break up with her you need to encourage her to seek help.