'Not Ready' to get married...?

LegacyUser

Tinkerbell, your post had me tearing up! I don't want to be a bridezilla at all. I thought this would be a positive conversation. I thought he would be happy (maybe not to elope alright!) but at least happy to have a more structured conversation about actually getting married.

I'm very confused, I am confused now about my own motivations and still confused/ upset by his closed reaction to even discussing it in any real terms.

Bananaleaf, thanks for your message and your experience. I appreciate your perspective and I would consider us/me in a different position to even people my age without kids/mortgage. He knew where I am in life vs an equivalent without a child and there is quite a difference in attitude and lifestyle alright, neither better or worse just products of life experiences!

Bee06, your right, there is apparently a massive difference as I have found out. He had no problem saying he wanted to marry me when it was theoretical, only when I wanted to discuss making it a reality. Problem is when I said it theoretically, I meant I would also do it in reality.

Flippyfloppy

In fairness I don't think whether the OP was right or wrong really matters here.

What was said was said now they need to communicate with eachother about their worries regarding their relationship.

FreshKnickers

OP some people do get married when they've only known each other for two or three years but for a lot of people that length of time would be too soon. When I think of all the things that I didn't know about my now-wife that I did by the time we got married, or the things we have been through together that we hadn't faced yet after two or three years... Well, it's a lot.

Ye've both been honest about how you feel so that's good. He knows you're ready now. It's up to you now to decide if you're okay with waiting for a while until he's ready.

tinkerbell

Not Ready wrote: »

Tinkerbell, your post had me tearing up! I don't want to be a bridezilla at all. I thought this would be a positive conversation. I thought he would be happy (maybe not to elope alright!) but at least happy to have a more structured conversation about actually getting married.

I'm very confused, I am confused now about my own motivations and still confused/ upset by his closed reaction to even discussing it in any real terms.

Bananaleaf, thanks for your message and your experience. I appreciate your perspective and I would consider us/me in a different position to even people my age without kids/mortgage. He knew where I am in life vs an equivalent without a child and there is quite a difference in attitude and lifestyle alright, neither better or worse just products of life experiences!

Bee06, your right, there is apparently a massive difference as I have found out. He had no problem saying he wanted to marry me when it was theoretical, only when I wanted to discuss making it a reality. Problem is when I said it theoretically, I meant I would also do it in reality.

OP, there's a huge jump between having light conversations about marriage (quote from your OP) to arriving home wanting to talk about eloping, budgets, etc. You don't just go from a casual chat to suddenly setting a date just because you have decided it in your head.

Yes, you are 30 and at that age, couples move faster than a couple in their 20s but you've only just moved in together. I would suggest that you talk to him and apologise for getting a bit carried away and say that you want to discuss your future a bit more seriously than last time (when you had light conversations about it) to see if you are both on the same page as you have been together 2 years now as you should already be having those conversations at this stage.

Oryx

Op, you are not ready to get married. To go from gushing enthusiasm over eloping, straight to refusing to share your bed with your oh, shows a fragile personality and a lack of emotional maturity. I'm sorry if you find that harsh, but your emotions do seem all over the place and you need to figure your head out before ever broaching the subject of marriage again. Your 'all or nothing' mindset is going to cause you such grief and is something you need to work on.

A few things that I think are relevant:

It is possible to love someone fully, yet not wish to marry them.
Marriage changes nothing about the relationship at its core. If it is strong, it will remain strong with or without it.
Marriage can be hugely scary for some people.

I think your oh is refusing to talk to you because he feels like he is being attacked so he has shut down. Not ideal but understandable. Given how both of you are reacting, marriage is the last thing either of you should consider. This doesn't mean you guys are doomed, just you need more time to develop your relationship.

Drehen

Not Ready wrote: »

Thanks Flippyfloppy, your experience is how I thought things would go but obviously I think I asked too many questions and freaked myself out! The insecurity thing was there a little, now it's a lot because I don't understand why he reacts so badly to talking about it...

December2012, happiness feels like a bit of an illusion sometimes, I was happy when I thought we wanted the same things and were on the same page... Now that I have scratched the surface of our happy little relationship I'm not so happy.
I haven't decided what 'not ready' means, that's one of the reasons I started this thread and asked him to explain also (which he couldn't do!)... However, I know what it means to me and thats not good.
And I'm glad I rocked the boat, I'm glad I asked the question. Rather that than live in some fantasy until he turned around in a year and blurted out he isn't actually sure I'm the one for him after all or something equally awful!
I also don't want a big honeymoon, I just meant we could spend half of what we would have spent on a big wedding on going away together, it was just an idea and it doesn't matter either way because it was shot down anyhow.

Being not ready means he doesn't feel comfortable getting married right now.

TheminxIRL

OP would you be happy if your OH said in the morning lets get married because its what you want to do and he only did it because of the pressure you have put on him and the way you react to being told he isnt ready is by sleeping in a separate room?

Would you like to go into married life where he only did it to please you and could quite possibly resent you for it?

Imo if he didnt love you and want to be with you he would have been out the door as soon as you threw your toys out of the pram when he didnt agree with you.

If he doesnt want to discuss it with you then he has said all he wants to say, there is no middle ground he just does not want to get married quickly but he has not said never.

If he did not want to marry you he would have said so straight out Im sure

Clive

OP, ther's been some very good advice on how your boyfriend might be feeling. One thing to remember though is that men and women (generally) process information in different ways.

He doesn't want to talk about it because that won't help him at all. Talking it out might help you, but it can make it even harder for him to think it through clearly. You know what you want (or at least you did before this) - now you're asking him to reassess his whole thought process on it. For many men this takes time and quiet contemplation.

My advice is to leave him be, and get back to enjoying life together. Tell him you love him and that whenever he's ready he knows what your answer will be. Six months down the line raise it again if he hasn't, but if he's a decent enough man to want to marry, I'd be surprised if he hasn't broached the subject by then.

LegacyUser

All, thanks so much for taking the time to give me feedback.

This whole thing is making me question my own motivations, reactions and our general compatibility. I dont really want to be in a relationship where we can't even discuss a subject, we should be able to talk about anything!

Sleeping in separate rooms does sound extreme alright but what else can we do when we live together!! I literally don't want to be around him until I figure out what I want and some of the responses have made me really question why I am reacting the way I am to this so I need to figure that out, alone!

There are no arguments, I am not storming around the house or anything, I just asked for some space. He is entitled to be not ready but I am equally entitled to some space to process that! Marriage is not something I was taking lightly, nore am I under any illusions that anything will change, if anything that is exactly why I brought it up, I thought we were there, turns out were not.

So as previously pointed out, I can accept it, or we can break up which is why I am taking some space to properly process it rather than doing/ saying something I'd regret in hast! Like I said in my OP, I wasn't expecting such a negative response and I just need to figure out how I feel!

Gooner111

I feel for you big time! Dicussing something big like marriage in theory is all fine and good as long as the base feeling 'I see myself getting married to you at some point' is there. You have pointed out he has been happy to do that. It is absolutely fine for him to say I am not ready just yet. However I do think that he should be giving reasons for it and reassurances that he does still see you two getting married in the future. A blanket 'I am not ready' and 'drop the subject' reply is wrong.

You have set out your stall. He needs to do the same. You need to be prepared to back off and slow down and wait for him (assuming he says Yes he sees you two married in the future). As things stand you are in limbo and if he doesn't clear things up you could be making a rash decision. You two need to talk. If he won't well you have to decide the next step by yourself unfortunately.

LegacyUser

OH, has there been any indication that your boyfriend is planning to propose in the near future?

scruff22

OP, has your boyfriend indicated that he is going to propose to you in the near future?

Pennythoughts

OP I really feel for you. However, I think you need to be aware that it is you who has suddenly moved the goal posts. You had what appears to be a relatively vague conversation about "a few years time" and then without any other conversation you decide you want to get married now.

In my opinion often those who take their time thinking over marriage are those who ultimately make it work as they have thought over the commitment, the hardships, the consequences and then decided to share their life with that person. Maybe he is one of those people and just needs time to say he is ready for all that and that is fair enough- it is a huge commitment.

Ye must talk about it though, sleeping in seperate rooms will not fix the problem! Set a date with him to discuss it and make sure you are very clear on your own wants and needs before you start that conversation.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly, I'd take the advice of some people here and back down. You did change the goal posts in a really rapid way, you didn't communicate what was going on in your own head and at the end of the day, I wouldn't blame your boyfriend for shutting down...it seems he's in a no-win situation.

Also, retreating to a safe space to get your head together isn't healthy when you're dealing with an issue that isn't only about you, which seems to be the general theme of this problem. You're shutting him out consistently because YOU need time, YOU want to elope...he said he'd want to marry you, a theoretical conversation turned into a reality so fast that he couldn't cope, if the situation was reversed and you were in his shoes, how do you think you'd feel? You're forcing the narrative of your ideal life onto him, without his consideration...does that seem like a good foundation for a marriage? Just because he doesn't want to marry you right this instant doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you at all, you blindsided him with an entirely different proposition and changed the dynamic in a very concerning way. How far does that kind of behaviour extend? Does your reaction seem rational or logical to you? Are you thinking of your relationship or are you thinking of yourself? These are all questions that you're not getting an answer to because you're not talking to him, you're hiding. I think the general consensus is to talk with him and sort this out, not be alone and drive yourself crazy not getting answers, trust me, that won't help you at all. I'm not trying to offend, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of your mindset, because you seem overly emotional and betrayed, but he's given you no reason to feel that way, other than reacting differently than you expected.

Oryx

I know you're doing a bit of thinking and I was to offer one simple but entirely serious question you should think on:

Which is more important, being with him or being married?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments, I will try to talk to him.

I calmed down, I was hurt by his reaction ( justified or not) but he doesn't really seem too keen on chatting about it. I have said I would like to talk about it in a more practical sense when he's ready and in the mean time, I am trying to get on with life and our relationship.

Scruff22, he had talked about proposing in the same context as getting married... Theoretically! And when I suggested just bypassing the whole 'down on one knee' proposal idea and replacing it with a conversation between us he didn't react very well.

Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate the outside perspectives and insight. Hopefully we will be able to have a conversation about this and I can fully relax in the knowledge that we really are on the same page!

strobe

If I was your bf I'd feel very much like you had very little concern for how I felt about a pretty serious situation and that you were trying to 'shout me down' emotionally and would be tempted to walk. I'm not saying this is how your bf feels, probably just me, you know him better than I do, but that's how I'd feel. I'd thread carefully in terms of digging your heels in, which you kinda seem from your posts like you feel entitled to do, if you care about the relationship lasting.

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Honestly, I'd take the advice of some people here and back down. You did change the goal posts in a really rapid way, you didn't communicate what was going on in your own head and at the end of the day, I wouldn't blame your boyfriend for shutting down...it seems he's in a no-win situation.

Also, retreating to a safe space to get your head together isn't healthy when you're dealing with an issue that isn't only about you, which seems to be the general theme of this problem. You're shutting him out consistently because YOU need time, YOU want to elope...he said he'd want to marry you, a theoretical conversation turned into a reality so fast that he couldn't cope, if the situation was reversed and you were in his shoes, how do you think you'd feel? You're forcing the narrative of your ideal life onto him, without his consideration...does that seem like a good foundation for a marriage? Just because he doesn't want to marry you right this instant doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you at all, you blindsided him with an entirely different proposition and changed the dynamic in a very concerning way. How far does that kind of behaviour extend? Does your reaction seem rational or logical to you? Are you thinking of your relationship or are you thinking of yourself? These are all questions that you're not getting an answer to because you're not talking to him, you're hiding. I think the general consensus is to talk with him and sort this out, not be alone and drive yourself crazy not getting answers, trust me, that won't help you at all. I'm not trying to offend, I'm just trying to get a better understanding of your mindset, because you seem overly emotional and betrayed, but he's given you no reason to feel that way, other than reacting differently than you expected.

This post says it better than I could. Look, you should have had the definite (not vague 'in theory') conv before he moved in. Tbh all he commited to up until now was that he was happy to share his current life with you, and wasn't against sharing his future life with you.

But you suddenly landed cementing that with marriage / eloping NOW, and you did it like a ton of bricks. You did this, by what I can tell, with no discussion about his feelings, whether he wanted to share his future life with you at X time in the future, whether he felt you got on well having moved in together, whether he - or your child - felt they could get on as a family.

To me, you've jumped past lots of very necessary relationship steps, and are really unfairly punishing his reluctance to go along with that. Tbh I think you are the one in the wrong, and you are sabotaging your relationship for some idea that being married is the goal and nothing else will do.

IMO, cut him a break and back off big time. The relationship isn't all about you.

LegacyUser

Thanks all,

I think the problem is we can't undo the conversation. There is definately a shift in how we are interacting since, like there is an elephant in the room and even though we aren't talking about it, it has definately had an effect!
I seem to be pressuring him in general now and maybe I am just being too aware of it or something, I don't know! I am not sorry I tried to talk to him about it, he knows what im like by now and if I wasn't for him, he would have been gone long before this!!

However, it has definately put a strain on us, I never meant to pit pressure on him, if anything I wantEd to share more in the whole experience but because he doesn't want that, I have to leave it with him.

Its all very draining, it is making me question how happy we are. Someone asked why ruin a happy relationship with a conversation about marriage? This has led me to question how happy we are if we can't talk about it and more so, why it's causing such an issue.

Oryx, being with him was more important and if he suggested marriage was off the table that would be that. It's now turned into more of an issue around how crap our communication actually is rather than the topic itself.

Magicmatilda

Not Ready wrote: »

he knows what im like by now and if I wasn't for him, he would have been gone long gone

This stood out for me. It's as though you are saying that's how I am like it or lump it. It leaves no room for compromise and I wonder if that is a common theme for you? Even your reaction to his response, you shut down and moved into separate rooms. I am assuming you instigated that, but maybe I am wrong? It insinuates that it is my way or no way.

That behaviour usually indicates that a person is acting defensively from a place of hurt. I suspect that this is the case here. You were hurt previously and now you are reacting to him as though he is doing the same thing. Which he may not be. I could be really wrong here and I don't mean to offend but could this be the case?

If so you owe it to you, him and your daughter to have some counselling about why you react like this.

In your situation it is not as simple as you just moved in together because there is a child involved and ultimately she should be the main concern, is she ready for you to get married? Had you discussed it with her?

Really I think you need to apologise for putting pressure on him which you did by your reaction and tell him that his response scared you and made you wonder if he wanted to marry you or if you made a mistake (if indeed that is the case and I suspect it is). Then you can try and have a chat about your relationship.

All relationships go through learning curves and maybe this is one for you both. But of you don't deal with your reaction now it will just repeat itself over and over.

Oryx

When they say relationships are built on trust, they dont just mean in regard to cheating. Trust means

I trust that you love me.
I trust that you want to be with me.
I trust that your words and actions are true to yourself and to me.
I trust that I can speak honestly and you'll listen.
I trust that I will hear what you have to say.

Both of you have been breaking trust lately. You trying (inadvertently) to force his hand in marriage. Him not being clear and upfront in his discussions with you. Both of you then reacted badly and communicated horribly. From what you say, you now know that communication is the crux of what is wrong.

As you start to put the pieces back together, remember that trust is the key. Once you feel secure that you are both being honest, and speaking openly, hopefully youll start to feel secure again.

Cauchy

Not Ready wrote: »

Thanks all,

I think the problem is we can't undo the conversation. There is definately a shift in how we are interacting since, like there is an elephant in the room and even though we aren't talking about it, it has definately had an effect!
I seem to be pressuring him in general now and maybe I am just being too aware of it or something, I don't know! I am not sorry I tried to talk to him about it, he knows what im like by now and if I wasn't for him, he would have been gone long before this!!

However, it has definately put a strain on us, I never meant to pit pressure on him, if anything I wantEd to share more in the whole experience but because he doesn't want that, I have to leave it with him.

Its all very draining, it is making me question how happy we are. Someone asked why ruin a happy relationship with a conversation about marriage? This has led me to question how happy we are if we can't talk about it and more so, why it's causing such an issue.

Oryx, being with him was more important and if he suggested marriage was off the table that would be that. It's now turned into more of an issue around how crap our communication actually is rather than the topic itself.

Can you not tell how happy you are without all these weird rationalisations?

LegacyUser

OP, I feel you've been unfairly lambasted.
Whether you discussed the concept of marriage in a casual way or a formal way, it was mooted, and you both agreed that it would be on the cards if only money wasn't an issue.
Now you've realised that money isn't& shouldn't be an issue. THAT is the only goalpost that has been moved. You haven't sprung this on him out of the blue, you reopened a conversation that you as far as you were concerned, had already been discussed, that ye were both on the same page, that marriage was part of your overall plan. You've changed your mind about the finances, he's changed his mind about the marriage.

LegacyUser

scruff22 wrote: »

OP, has your boyfriend indicated that he is going to propose to you in the near future?

What a ridiculous question.

The OP has in essence just proposed to her boyfriend. And he hasn't accepted.

If a man proposed to his girlfriend and she said she wasn't ready and refused to speak any more about it, would you expect him to say 'ah alright' and hang around until she decided to propose to him in turn??