Church music NIGHtMARE

kc83

Getting married very soon and met our priest this week who asked about the ceremony music. I replied by telling him my brother is doing the music as we had a family loss and really means a lot to me that he does it. He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only. I asked him to go easy on us and that it wont be offensive but he said its up to the priest who is over the parish we are getting married in, and if it was up to him he might sway a little.
I've been extremely laid back about absolutely everything letting my BM choose their own dresses, but this is the one thing I can't move on and didn't realize I'd get so upset and anxious about! Is it up to my priest who will be marrying us about the music or is it up to the priest from the parish who's church we are using even though he won't be there??
I wanted a civil ceremony to start with but my arm got twisted :-( feeling disheartened!!! Any advice please

Addle

It is ultimately up to the priest who marries you and they've been instructed to be stricter in this regard in recent years.
The same applies to funerals too.
Their church, their rules.
I wouldn't push it to be honest.

jjpep

Why not go back to the idea of a civil ceremony? The music issue can be the reason you can give to whoever twisted your arm into doing it in a church.

stinkle

If the priest is very strict this might not be much help, but I've heard that processional and recessional songs dont have to be religious per se, as the mass hasnt begun/is finished by then. As for other songs during, you might have to compromise here and go with hymns - but could look into "folkier" versions or ones that are upbeat.

Alternatively, if it's too soon to organise a civil ceremony, do you actually have to have the full mass, or can you just have the wedding ceremony without communion? some churches do that I believe.

smaoifs

Seems very unreasonable. We were only to have hymns during Communion, all other parts could be appropriate music or songs.
Saying that, we did find some lovely not very hymn sounding hymns to use throughout the ceremony.
Google wedding church music, a lot of singers will have a song list on their websites for different parts of the ceremony and you might end up finding a surprise.

kc83 wrote: »

Getting married very soon and met our priest this week who asked about the ceremony music. I replied by telling him my brother is doing the music as we had a family loss and really means a lot to me that he does it. He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only. I asked him to go easy on us and that it wont be offensive but he said its up to the priest who is over the parish we are getting married in, and if it was up to him he might sway a little.
I've been extremely laid back about absolutely everything letting my BM choose their own dresses, my h2b choose invites etc but this is the one thing I can't move on and didn't realize I'd get so upset and anxious about! Is it up to my priest who will be marrying us about the music or is it up to the priest from the parish who's church we are using even though he won't be there??
I wanted a civil ceremony to start with but my arm got twisted :-( feeling disheartened!!! Any advice please

stargazer 68

As far as I know its up to the priest performing the ceremony. My sis is getting married 2 weeks today and grooms cousin is the priest! Completely different parish and she has had no problems with any of the music.

Addle

smaoifs wrote: »

Seems very unreasonable.

I don't think it is unreasonable when you choose to have a religious ceremony in a church

clint_silver

kc83 wrote: »

Getting married very soon and met our priest this week who asked about the ceremony music. I replied by telling him my brother is doing the music as we had a family loss and really means a lot to me that he does it. He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only. I asked him to go easy on us and that it wont be offensive but he said its up to the priest who is over the parish we are getting married in, and if it was up to him he might sway a little.
I've been extremely laid back about absolutely everything letting my BM choose their own dresses, my h2b choose invites etc but this is the one thing I can't move on and didn't realize I'd get so upset and anxious about! Is it up to my priest who will be marrying us about the music or is it up to the priest from the parish who's church we are using even though he won't be there??
I wanted a civil ceremony to start with but my arm got twisted :-( feeling disheartened!!! Any advice please

Id ask him did the church mind what must be 10s of thousands of euro/pounds that were put into the basket every sunday over the last 30-40 years by you and your family and if that cant buy you a lit of leeway on your musical selection on your wedding day you dont see why you should continue those generous contributions if theres no give, only take on the part of the institution of the church but maybe thats an argument for another day. Then ask him for a list of hymns you can play and you'll make sure we do them justice on the day. Say it all with a smile and a generous smattering of utter disgust. Thats just what Id do though.

Take any hymn and make it your own, get your brother to play it on the day but he puts his own slant on it. you might be pleasantly surprised.

Milly33

I suppose there isn't an option of not telling the priest before hand and just play the whole oh im sorry I didn't really know..

Hope you are ok and it hasn't disheartened you too much.. If the above idea was not an option, would you brother perhaps play outside the church either before you go in or after ye come out..

Electric Sheep

clint_silver wrote: »

Id ask him did the church mind what must be 10s of thousands of euro/pounds that were put into the basket every sunday over the last 30-40 years by you and your family and if that cant buy you a lit of leeway on your musical selection on your wedding day you dont see why you should continue those generous contributions if theres no give, only take on the part of the institution of the church but maybe thats an argument for another day. Then ask him for a list of hymns you can play and you'll make sure we do them justice on the day. Say it all with a smile and a generous smattering of utter disgust. Thats just what Id do though.

Take any hymn and make it your own, get your brother to play it on the day but he puts his own slant on it. you might be pleasantly surprised.

Or, if you want secular music have a civil ceremony.

thomas anderson.

And this is why I will not be getting married in a church

Tasden

Their house, their rules.

It may seem silly/ridiculous/ annoying but its not unfair really because its their church and their rules. Some are less strict but the ones that are strict are within their rights. A family member of mine died and when the person organising the funeral asked for a certain song to be played she was told that it was only hymns no exceptions.

Also, bringing donations into it just seems petty and childish, I wouldn't do that.

Moonbeam

find another priest?
Ask him to approve the songs?

I hated our church music and am pretty unforgiving about it.
We pre-recorded our own music for the civil ceremony and it was really nice.

Mrs OBumble

kc83 wrote: »

He is going to play acoustic mellow music but my priest has now said its hymns only.

I really don't see what your problem is: hymns can be played as acoustic mellow music!

Sure'n your brother might have to learn a few new tunes, but really most hymns are not hard.

Did your priest have any specific suggestions?

And if you want to get even more cunning, for lots of popular tunes, there is a "baptised" equivalent.

Eg if you want "Wild Mountain Thyne" .. the hym is "Holy is Your name". "Star of the County Down" - the hymn is "I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say". Etc. (mmm, maybe I'll make a list ;-) )

pwurple

This really irritates me. Our priest was more than happy to let us play whatever music meant something to us. We ran it past him of course, and we didn't choose anything inappropriate. Any priest I've dealt with for funerals or weddings has been the same. I don't know why some priests have a bee in their bonnet about minor things like this, and others are totally sensible. It only alienates congregations. You won't be in a rush to darken his door again after this.

How is he even defining a hymn? At my grandfathers funeral we had some opera arias, no mention of any god in them, but they were beautiful pieces of music, and the priest was very happy with them. He even asked for the names if the pieces so he could recommend for those who asked advice. I could easily argue that most human creativity celebrates God in some way.

tommy2bad

Assuming this is a catholic wedding, their's a list and some advice here;http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-music-list.htm
If nothing on that list appeals or if your particular favourite isn't explicitly mentioned, ask, you never know if it's played on a cello or violin the priest may be amiable.
If he's a follower of what I call the continuity catholic church, he might have some idea of imposing strict rules and your best compromise is having your choices played before the ceremony (I know you won't get to hear it but..) and after the ceremony before everyone rushes out for a smoke or whatever.

Tasden

tommy2bad wrote: »

Assuming this is a catholic wedding, their's a list and some advice here;http://catholicweddinghelp.com/topics/catholic-wedding-music-list.htm
If nothing on that list appeals or if your particular favourite isn't explicitly mentioned, ask, you never know if it's played on a cello or violin the priest may be amiable.
If he's a follower of what I call the continuity catholic church, he might have some idea of imposing strict rules and your best compromise is having your choices played before the ceremony (I know you won't get to hear it but..) and after the ceremony before everyone rushes out for a smoke or whatever.

Actually at my friends wedding they used hymns during the ceremony and then afterwards they did all the signing/photos/greeting while their songs were played.
It was nice

hoodwinked

Just a thought, have you approached your parish priest?

the one who said "hymns only"

maybe if you explain why it's important to you and your family to him he might make an exception for you? especially if he knows you or your family?

kc83

clint_silver wrote: »

Id ask him did the church mind what must be 10s of thousands of euro/pounds that were put into the basket every sunday over the last 30-40 years by you and your family and if that cant buy you a lit of leeway on your musical selection on your wedding day you dont see why you should continue those generous contributions if theres no give, only take on the part of the institution of the church but maybe thats an argument for another day. Then ask him for a list of hymns you can play and you'll make sure we do them justice on the day. Say it all with a smile and a generous smattering of utter disgust. Thats just what Id do though.

Take any hymn and make it your own, get your brother to play it on the day but he puts his own slant on it. you might be pleasantly surprised.

Ha ha ha thank you!! This made me laugh out loud!! Def a good idea :-)

kc83

Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments! I am still fighting my corner and will keep at it and if I don't get my way on this one I really think I will change church!! I'm not being pigheaded or anything and am going to play nice but it's frustrating.
To ppl who have suggested I go with some up beat hymns, I def take that on board and actually only want probably 3 of my own pieces played and the rest will be hymns so I don't really understand why it's such a big deal!
I suppose it does upset me as the priest couldn't know my family any better....I mean for the last 30 years I have lived in between a convent and a nuns house and across from the priest!! We have always been kind and my mother goes into his prayer meetings every month and is a regular mass goer!!
Ugh......next step is to meet the priest of the parish we are getting married in and see what he says.
Although I think my own priest who will be marrying us is passing the buck a little,
Does anyone know...is it up to the priest marrying us on the day or is it up to the priest whose church we use????

AoifeCork

Kc83, don't panic!

As somebody that has played at various ceremonies... catholic/protestant/civil etc... There is plenty wiggle room with song choices.

While you do have to keep the psalm, offertory procession, sign of peace, communion in check with sacred music, it's a blatant myth when priests say the entire mass has to have hymns or songs of praise. The register signing, candle lighting, processional and recessional are almost 99.9% of the time going to have secular music as those are the songs that are special to the couple.

My one piece of advice would be to not have the "fighting my corner" attitude. Just smile and nod with the priest but make sure you are clued up on what is a hymn and what is not a hymn. Instrumentals are also a safe bet as they can create a wonderful mood without including lyrics of themes the priest may find offensive or unsuitable.

Do some research with your brother and pick 3/4 hymns plus a psalm you are happy to include-and then look into nice versions of the songs you want included. Don't panic! Most priests tell people "hymns only" to ensure there is no Kesha or Shakira on the day... they don't want to upset or hinder your ceremony at all

Mrs OBumble

kc83 wrote: »

... and my mother goes into his prayer meetings every month and is a regular mass goer!!... Does anyone know...is it up to the priest marrying us on the day or is it up to the priest whose church we use????

Both are accountable to the local bishop.

But here's another thought. You're having a Catholic wedding, obviously, but is it including Mass or not? Catholic weddings don't actually have to be nuptuial masses. If you're simply having the wedding ceremony without Mass (and it does sound like you're not a mass-person yourself), then the rules will be a lot more relaxed.

Toots

A lot of it seems to depend on the priest. We had mainly secular music, I think we had Ave Maria during the communion bit but the rest was classical, but appropriate for the church. I walked up the aisle to a classical arrangement of a led zeppelin song. We ran it all by the priest first and asked was it ok to have a string quartet and he was really enthusiastic about everything.

My SIL was had an almost exact opposite experience (got married in a different parish to us). The priest had a list of 'approved' hymns and she was told that couple could only chose hymns that were on this list - no 'outside' music, as he put it. He also kicked up a stink about her wanting to have folk guitars instead of an organist, grumbling that he'd "have to see about that". He said all these rules were decided by the bishop of the diocese and there was nothing he could do about it. Like you, OP, there were a couple of pieces of music that they really wanted for sentimental reasons (nice classical pieces, not hip hop or anything). Her aunt is a nun and suggested that it might be worth writing to the bishop to see if they could make an exception in this situation. SIL mentioned this to the priest the next time they met him, and the next day she got a phone call to say that she could have the music she wanted 'so long as it was sympathetic to the holy environment of the church'. She never even wrote to the bishop, so I reckon either the priest rang on her behalf and got the go-ahead or the priest was making arbitrary rules that he decided on and knew if she wrote to the bishop it might cause hassle for him.

lazygal

While not pretending to be even slightly religious I don't agree that instrumental versions of songs are always appropriate. I've cringed at some church weddings and funerals when Stairway to Heaven is played on a harp or Take That's Greatest Day is belted out by a gospel choir. It just doesn't match the setting and atmosphere.

Toots

lazygal wrote: »

While not pretending to be even slightly religious I don't agree that instrumental versions of songs are always appropriate. I've cringed at some church weddings and funerals when Stairway to Heaven is played on a harp or Take That's Greatest Day is belted out by a gospel choir. It just doesn't match the setting and atmosphere.

Lol, it'd want to be a REALLY long aisle if someone was walking up to that one! It's about 10 minutes long.

kc83

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar )
I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

Addle

kc83 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar )
I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

How do you expect a priest to have any respect for your choice when you are so disrespectful with regards to his?

lazygal

Toots* wrote: »

Lol, it'd want to be a REALLY long aisle if someone was walking up to that one! It's about 10 minutes long.

It was played during communion. Really inappropriate for a church, the harpist was brilliant but the choices of music were not suitable.

lazygal

kc83 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar )
I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

You don't sound like a church wedding is for you. What does being spiritual mean, anyway? Catholic without the awkward bits?

Toots

lazygal wrote: »

It was played during communion. Really inappropriate for a church, the harpist was brilliant but the choices of music were not suitable.

Ooh, yeah that's not a very appropriate choice.

I suppose it could be worse, it'd be even less appropriate for a funeral!

tommy2bad

Toots* wrote: »

Ooh, yeah that's not a very appropriate choice.

I suppose it could be worse, it'd be even less appropriate for a funeral!

OK I'll bite,
It would be better than highway to hell!

Toots

tommy2bad wrote: »

OK I'll bite,
It would be better than highway to hell!

That's for the shotgun wedding.

Toots

OP, do you mind me asking what are the pieces that the priest is saying you can't have played?

cookiecakes

We were asked by our priest to keep it relatively reverential. We had almost all hymns, except for the recessional, processional and the signing of the register. We ran all our choices past the parish priest as we were following a 'their church, their rules' policy. We were given a full a4 sheet of rules and instructions for our wedding of what was and wasn't deemed appropriate and we quite happily followed it as the church was very special to us and we were prepared to respect how they wanted the church treated.

I know it can seem a little unfair but it's not the end of the world. Perhaps your brother could play music at the drinks reception? Also, I would definitely steer clear of bringing up donations. It would look like you are having a temper tantrum if you say 'well, I'm paying for it so I should be able to do what I want' It's been pretty common for a while now for churches to adopt a no secular music policy.

eviltwin

I think its really petty. Surely its no big deal either way to the priest what music is played but it makes such a difference to the overall day for the couple. A piece of music is a piece of music, the lyrical content of it is not really relevant, I can understand guidelines in relation to words but this seems over the top.

Tordelback

eviltwin wrote: »

I think its really petty. Surely its no big deal either way to the priest what music is played but it makes such a difference to the overall day for the couple. A piece of music is a piece of music, the lyrical content of it is not really relevant, I can understand guidelines in relation to words but this seems over the top.

Pop in to the Registry Office and make this exact same case for having a hymn at your civil ceremony - see what the answer is. Yes it's rubbish, but it's not unreasonable for the church to proscribe the details of what ultimately is THEIR ceremony. Best to leave them to their petty concerns and their notion of a God who gives a feck about what music people play (or for that matter what gender they want to marry, or any of the things that make them happy and harm no-one).

I do feel for you OP, who needs stress and unpleasantness around their wedding. I hope you're able to work something out.

tommy2bad

eviltwin wrote: »

I think its really petty. Surely its no big deal either way to the priest what music is played but it makes such a difference to the overall day for the couple. A piece of music is a piece of music, the lyrical content of it is not really relevant, I can understand guidelines in relation to words but this seems over the top.

Actually it is a big deal, the wedding ceremony is as far as the church is concerned a prayer and the music used must be appropriate to that. The lyrics are certainly relevant, I knew the bride might be a rocking good tune but it's hardly suitable as a prayer.
It is slightly over the top if the priest insists that no secular music is played in or on church grounds and by slightly I mean completely, the usual thing is sacred music during the cermony and whatever you want for the rest within reason.
'Lets get it on' might be exactly how the couple feel but hardly the thing for the occasion. TMI anyway.

kc83

Toots* wrote: »

OP, do you mind me asking what are the pieces that the priest is saying you can't have played?

Im hoping for Songbird by Oasis and also Randy Travis Forever Amen. The third one Im still between a few songs, I mean Id have 10 if I could but I think if I whittle it down to 3 tops, the priest may sway.

I do appreciate that its a Catholic and Religious ceremony and I do have respect for the church but it doesn't mean you have to agree with everything.

Tasden

kc83 wrote: »

I do appreciate that its a Catholic and Religious ceremony and I do have respect for the church but it doesn't mean you have to agree with everything.

Well no, it doesn't but when you choose to get married in the church you do have to respect and accept the rules of the church.

And with regards to the contribution/donation, you'd have to do this in pretty much any venue and there would still be restrictions, maybe not as strict or as many, but you wouldn't be questioning your fee you'd just accept that these are the rules and if I don't like them I'll choose somewhere else.

I'm sorry I'm not in the least bit religious but I'm able to accept that there are rules and traditions and if the church want to abide by them then why does that make them unreasonable?? Surely you're the one being unreasonable asking them to change? I'd understand if it was somewhere "impartial" and they weren't allowing you to choose but its fairly standard that in a religious setting they only want religious music. If they change it for one they'd have to change it for all til eventually people start taking the piss and playing all sorts in a house of worship.

Toots

kc83 wrote: »

Im hoping for Songbird by Oasis and also Randy Travis Forever Amen. The third one Im still between a few songs, I mean Id have 10 if I could but I think if I whittle it down to 3 tops, the priest may sway.

I do appreciate that its a Catholic and Religious ceremony and I do have respect for the church but it doesn't mean you have to agree with everything.

Will they have the lyrics or just the music? Honestly, I can see where the priest is coming from, especially if he doesn't particularly know much Oasis stuff. The likes of their bigger hits like wonderwall etc would definitely not be appropriate for the church, I'd say he's imagining you walking down the aisle to the likes of Champagne Supernova and having Roll with it for the communion reflection. :P

To be fair though, Songbird and Forever Amen wouldn't really lend themselves to the church settings. You might get away with Songbird music only, but with Forever Amen it wouldn't really work without the words. I think Forever Amen would be deadly for the first dance though.

With your brother playing the music, is it the fact that it'll be him playing that's important, or is it that will be him playing these specific songs? The reason I ask is would it be possible to compromise and have him play some other music?
I've heard Ave Maria played on the acoustic guitar and it was beautiful. (This isn't the best example but it'll give you a rough idea of what it could sound like)
The Prelude from Bach's Cello Concerto no.1 is lovely too.
Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring works really well on classical/acoustic guitar, and it's a hymn.
Handel's Largo would be another one that's fairly common at weddings (not sure if it's a hymn though) and it's great on guitar.
If they'd let you away with it, I was at a wedding once where 'The Voyage' by Christy Moore was played as they walked back down the aisle, and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. I bawled!
And of course, there's Pachelbel's Canon in D.

You could always see would the priest let you have Canon played like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xjJXT0C0X4

I mean it is a hymn

kc83

Ha ha that is BrILLANT!!! Although I don't know how well the old electric guitar would go down!!
Oh I'm def willing to compromise Im not on any high horse or anything!!! Even if it was a case he let me do my music walking down the aisle and at the signing I'd get over it!!!

Addle

You do realise that it's the priest that will have to compromise, not you.

eyescreamcone

Why do the RCC have to be so uncompromising?

Is it any reason that many people no longer want anything to do with them.

I'm certainly in that bracket - and it'll be a cold day in imaginary hell before me or mine will jump through their ridiculous hoops!

Addle

eyescreamcone wrote: »

Why do the RCC have to be so uncompromising?

Is it any reason that many people no longer want anything to do with them.

I'm certainly in that bracket - and it'll be a cold day in imaginary hell before me or mine will jump through their ridiculous hoops!

That's fair enough, you have nothing to do with them.
But the OP has chosen to be married in a religious ceremony, rather than a civil or humanist, and then describes it as a NIGHTMARE when a priest doesn't bend the rules his religion applies to suit her a la carte catholicism.
I think the OP is being unreasonable, not the priest.

eyescreamcone

Addle wrote: »

That's fair enough, you have nothing to do with them.
But the OP has chosen to be married in a religious ceremony, rather than a civil or humanist, and then describes it as a NIGHTMARE when a priest doesn't bend the rules his religion applies to suit her a la carte catholicism.
I think the OP is being unreasonable, not the priest.

I do agree that if one wants to play the game with the church you must play by their rules. However, the rules are often flexible and can vary from place to place and priest to priest. This can be hard to understand at times.

For instance some need the pre-marriage course, and some do not etc.

Addle

eyescreamcone wrote: »

For instance some need the pre-marriage course, and some do not etc.

Locally, that's non mass goers and mass goers.
Again, fair enough.

wandererz

Maybe you need to ditch that priest and get this guy instead ?

mrsbyrne

Your getting married in a sacred space and the administrator of the sacred space will only allow you to have sacred music.
And posters here are telling you to fcuk the sacred place and do whatever you like.
The sooner the better the RCC only allow members to use its premises for ceremonies the better for everyone.
If its more important to you to have your brother play his music then to celebrate the sacrament of marriage then why don't you be honest and just have a civil ceremony? I don't buy it about having your arm twisted I think you wanted the whole church bit and now that conditions are being imposed its all very unfair.

Other parishioners may went to pray or reflect in the church while your wedding is ongoing. You have not exclusively hired a venue for the day.

mrsbyrne

kc83 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.....I was hoping to go down the "without mass" route but h2b doesn't really agree as the older ppl might want the bit of communion!!
I know this is off the point a little but I mean it's 200e to register the marriage anyway......I got a letter to say a voluntary donation of 300e (how is it voluntary??) we ll have to pay our priest, alter boy, and apparently you throw the priest 30e or so when they fill out the enquiry form or whatever, they ll be at the meal and all I ask for is to have like 3 of my own chosen songs :mad:
I'm not very religious, and only recently went to my Nan's months mass, and the priest started telling us a lovely story, which all of a sudden turned into.....and this mass is offered for .... Who are all in purgatory awaiting for their sins to be cleansed before they can become one with Christ etc.......I was HORRIFIED!!!
Things like that make me mad and make me not want to go down the church road but at the same time I would be spiritual (and no dates available with a registrar )

I'm meeting the parish priest this week so will let everyone know how it goes

You went to mass and the priest mentioned purgatory!!!! The cheek of him!!
Seriously this has to be the most brass necked post of the week on boards.
Jesus imagine that priest fella wanting to be paid for rehearsing us tidying up the church heating it up and then marrying us! Its just ridiculous ! And we could have got a celebrant and a room in a hotel for....oh wait...

eviltwin

OP you don't have to invite the priest to the meal if you don't want to. You don't really have much of a choice about the other stuff if he is not going to budge so its either suck it up and work with what is acceptable or go for a non religious ceremony where you can make it a bit more personal. I understand you might have people at your wedding who want communion but its your day and people will manage. If you plan to have a family and go down the religion route with them you'll have to accept that the church are not really accommodating so maybe you need to think about the role you want the church to play in your family events.

brightspark

Maybe you can find a hymn that matches the tunes you like?

e.g.

http://youtu.be/RO2px91IheQ

(Amazing Grace sung to the same tune as The House of the Rising Son)

I prefer the traditional version myself, but a folk choir often sing it to the tune of "the house of the rising sun" in the Cathedral on Sundays.

Apparently many songs can be easily sung to different tunes.