Am I in a bad relationship?

LegacyUser

Please help.
I'm not sure I should stay in my current relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I'm worried he is too aggressive and moody. There are countless good things about our relationship and how we are together and we work in a lot of ways, BUT, there is this huge question I have about him and us.
He flies off the handle at any little thing. Such as my whispering to him to remind him that we had to go to the credit union after he had been on the phone to his mother for 10 minutes. He put her on mute and screamed at me that it was about debt and bailiffs had called to his home place.
I told him that all he had to do was tell me that in a normal voice, and not shout at me out of nowhere.

He is constantly moody and aggressive, wanting his own way with literally everything.
He constantly talks about marriage with me, etc but I'm not sure.
He has been aggressive out of nowhere. I moved the laptop charger on him to use myself and when his own laptop went dead he blamed me when it wouldn'T charge up immediately as I had not automatically moved charger over to his laptop.
He squeezed my foot really hard over this.

Tokyo

Am I in a bad relationship?

Yes, you are, and your boyfriend has absolutely no respect for you if he treats you like that, his aggressive behaviour is not acceptable in any form, and I suspect that his behavior towards you would only grow more violent overtime.

Get out now, and find someone who is actually worthy of your attentions.

December2012

Major warning signs here.

He cannot control his temper and that's bad.

You're afraid of him, and that's bad.

Only he can change himself. You can't.

Remember that victims of domestic violence don't start off getting beaten up. It can start off as you describe.

Being in debt is no justification for being angry.

mcko

December2012 wrote: »

Major warning signs here.

He cannot control his temper and that's bad.

You're afraid of him, and that's bad.

Only he can change himself. You can't.

Remember that victims of domestic violence don't start off getting beaten up. It can start off as you describe.

Being in debt is no justification for being angry.

Get out now,

verywell

Get out and never go back. I know what I'm talking about.

Merkin

stayorleave wrote: »

He squeezed my foot really hard over this.

Which means the physical abuse has already started.

There's no question that you should leave this relationship immediately. Abusive relationships often start with the shouting, the bullying and the aggression you speak of. It won't just get better. Leave now.

lollsangel

I would leave ASAP its not healthy, youre already gauging his moods when he comes in from work I bet too. However I would urge him through email text or a letter to go get help with his anger issues. Good luck op.

jellyboy

Hi op

Only you can answer the question..

it feels to me that you have the answer already in your heart and are looking for validation from people on the net ..

A way out of sorts..

can i suggest that you talk to him and find out how he feels about his behavior ?

Im only reading one side of the story so therefore if I'm inclined to get emontinal,its to tell you to leave that he is a bad person ,no way should you be with him..

I'm really interested in his side for balance and to understand more

i read that he has bailiffs and debtors coming to his mothers house , does he need support around stress? ,help from mabs or other revalant bodies?

Good luck op

crazygeryy

My parents are like that and they have been married 44 years!
But you can't be putting up with that.try and have a chat with him, if that doesn't work tell him your leaving and see how that goes. He ll never change fully but there's time to sort it out.

ahnow

All the warning signs for an abusive relationship are here, and it's only going to get worse. I recommend going onto the womensaid website for more information, they're really really helpful.

RossFixxxed

We all get angry, sometimes even fly off the handle at things. I certainly get annoyed at driving, and other things. HOWEVER, at no point am I taking it out on my partner, and any physical reaction (squeezing foot etc) is a real red flag to me.

There's shouting at the bloody computer not working... then there is shouting at your girlfriend. There's a huge difference in my opinion and he's way on the wrong side of this situation.

My 2 cents are the same as the above, it is time to get out now.

Mr. Incognito

He squeezed my foot really hard over this.

This is a MAJOR warning sign.

Get out and never look back. I can have a verbal with my gf on occassion. It happens in any relationship where people are living together. Even families fight but physical intimidation or pain is a no no. NEVER condone it.

Leave him.

Neyite

lollsangel wrote: »

I would leave ASAP its not healthy, youre already gauging his moods when he comes in from work I bet too. However I would urge him through email text or a letter to go get help with his anger issues. Good luck op.

I'm guessing it will be rather pointless.

If the OP is the sole recipient of his abuse - verbal, emotional, financial or physical, and if he manages to be nice and pleasant to bosses, work colleagues, family members or people more intimidating than him, then its not anger issues, its domestic abuse, and counselling rarely works for that.

OP, have a look here at the warning signs of DV. I'm guessing you'll tick off more on the list that you havent mentioned in your post.

I can highly recommend a book for you to read - Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Its not available in e-format which is a pity, since its more discreet to read it on one.

But leave him, they do not change. Life is too short to spend it on tenderhooks waiting for the next explosion.

Emme

stayorleave wrote: »

Please help.
I'm not sure I should stay in my current relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I'm worried he is too aggressive and moody. There are countless good things about our relationship and how we are together and we work in a lot of ways, BUT, there is this huge question I have about him and us.
He flies off the handle at any little thing. Such as my whispering to him to remind him that we had to go to the credit union after he had been on the phone to his mother for 10 minutes. He put her on mute and screamed at me that it was about debt and bailiffs had called to his home place.
I told him that all he had to do was tell me that in a normal voice, and not shout at me out of nowhere.

He is constantly moody and aggressive, wanting his own way with literally everything.
He constantly talks about marriage with me, etc but I'm not sure.
He has been aggressive out of nowhere. I moved the laptop charger on him to use myself and when his own laptop went dead he blamed me when it wouldn'T charge up immediately as I had not automatically moved charger over to his laptop.
He squeezed my foot really hard over this.

There are red flags all over the place here. He may fly off the handle at the slightest thing, but he was still able to put the phone on mute before he started screaming at you. He's probably as nice as pie to you when you're out in public but most of the abuse (because it is abuse) takes place in private.

The physical abuse has started - I guarantee that squeezing your foot will escalate to something that will land you in hospital if you stay with him longer. If you marry him stock up on camouflage makeup and ibuprofen because you will need it. Actually you should start now if you intend staying with him much longer.

Seriously, get out now.

LegacyUser

Yes you are. Get out now and do not waste any more years on him.
It will only get worse. He pinched me hard which hurt like hell.. he apologized... said he did not mean it etc etc.. I took him back and what do you know he kicked me in the shins... Again same old story I took him back... The last straw was when he put his hands around my neck and I was so scared I did not know what was going to happen.. Although these instances were years apart it makes no difference. You should not be in a relationship where you are constantly on egg shells afraid of what to say in case he flies off the handle.

Anyway I had asked for advice in between all of this and did try to leave him on many occasion but he always reeled me back in with his false promises. Do not listen - get out now.
I am single a year now from this 5 year relationship and have never been happier..

Do not, I repeat do not waste any more time on this guy.

IrishEyes19

I think squeezing your foot is very serious, there is a control factor here. Im not being negative but people who have anger problems lash out and often hit without thinking, the way you described squeezing your foot, sounds slow and deliberate, he knows what he is doing.

A year and a half is nothing. And if you leave you have great years ahead of you WITHOUT HIM. Get out of there now. Nothing is worth this

D1stant

Squeezing your foot is the thin of end of the wedge - it will only escalate from here. You are slowly being tangled up in a web that will become harder to get out of every day. He will wear you down, blame you, make you feel worthless and humiliated until you cannot even think straight and make decisions for yourself.

While you are still strong enough, get out. Don't tell him until you have gone. Start putting a plan in place right now. Sort things out. Find somewhere to live or stay until you're on your feet. Disentangle yourself from him and just get out of there. And don't tell him where you've gone.

And then, once you've gone, you can deal with the feelings that will come.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the replies.
I have talked to him and told him that one more piece of physical aggression and we are through for good. He accepts that and has promised and so I'm monitoring carefully how things go.
Any more and I will be gone. Hard to believe I#m even writing this

ABajaninCork

That's great. Until the next time it happens. And it will. Believe me when I tell you that.

It won't be for a while, as he will be on his best behaviour with you. But he won't be able to keep it up.

I'd be looking to get out of Dodge. Soon.

czechlin

Dear OP, I agree with other posters. It's nice that you're trying to sort it out and talked to him but like mentioned above I wouldn't trust this person anyway. I'd be packing the bags. You deserve better, don't fall into a vicious circle.

burgermasters

Drop him like a bad habit.

Chara1001

no sorry op, bad move.

You've issued him an ultimatum about physical aggression, but the majority of your op points towards much more than physical abuse, are you willing to just forget that?

Merkin

stayorleave wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.
I have talked to him and told him that one more piece of physical aggression and we are through for good. He accepts that and has promised and so I'm monitoring carefully how things go.
Any more and I will be gone. Hard to believe I#m even writing this

You're making a mistake.

By taking him back you're sending him the message that physical violence is ok so there is nothing to stop him doing it again. Which he will, please think carefully about this and what tolerating abuse from a partner means, he could ruin your life.

Flippyfloppy

He doesn't deserve a second chance.

Flippyfloppy

crazygeryy wrote: »

My parents are like that and they have been married 44 years!
But you can't be putting up with that.try and have a chat with him, if that doesn't work tell him your leaving and see how that goes. He ll never change fully but there's time to sort it out.

I'm sorry but this is not good advice. 'See how that goes' what- see how far he gets pushed this time.

Flippyfloppy

stayorleave wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.
I have talked to him and told him that one more piece of physical aggression and we are through for good. He accepts that and has promised and so I'm monitoring carefully how things go.
Any more and I will be gone. Hard to believe I#m even writing this

You're right, it should be hard to believe. Because deep down you didn't see your life like this, you didn't think you'd ever put up with this, and you know it's surreal that he's like this. But the scarier thing is, if you stay, it will become the norm. And that is worse, because it will start to seem like the way things are, you won't have the confidence to leave because you will believe that's how everyone will treat you/ or that's how you should be treated.

Get out of there OP there's still sweet romantics out there who believe in love and more importantly are decent kind people.

Tokyo

stayorleave wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.
I have talked to him and told him that one more piece of physical aggression and we are through for good. He accepts that and has promised and so I'm monitoring carefully how things go.
Any more and I will be gone. Hard to believe I#m even writing this

And what about the screaming, and the mood swings, and the blaming you for everything? I'm happy that you are taking a definitive stand OP and that you have told him what's what, but if the cutoff point is when he gets physical with you again next time, then that's far too late in my opinion. Sorry to say, but I've heard too many stories of "I'll just give him on e more chance" in my life to believe that he will change...

Meauldsegosha

stayorleave wrote: »

Please help.
... I'm worried he is too aggressive and moody.

He flies off the handle at any little thing.

He put her on mute and screamed at me that it was about debt and bailiffs had called to his home place.

He is constantly moody and aggressive, wanting his own way with literally everything.

He has been aggressive out of nowhere.

You spoke to him about the physical assault but what about the rest of his behaviour. He sounds like a very angry man and it will be hard for him to modify or control that behaviour without professional help. Will you continue to accept that behaviour from him? It seems from your last post that you will. The aggression and blaming you for everything can be as damaging as physical abuse. Please talk to your friends and/or family about the situation you are in.

Stavro Mueller

If he's with his friends or a member of his family, does he behave like this? Is he moody and aggressive to his mum? Does he scream at his best friend? As for you, do you feel like you're on eggshells when he's around? Do you feel afraid that if you say the wrong thing, he'll erupt and you'll get an earful?

This guy was clever enough to put the phone on mute before he screamed at you. It wouldn't surprise me if he lays off on the physical violence but ups the psychological terrorism.

Sephiroth_dude

Life is too short to be putting with this kinda crap, do yourself a favour and dump him.

The Princess Bride

One more piece of physical aggression and you're through?

That one more piece could cost you your life,OP.
Leave now while you can-he's not going to change- no relationship will ever be worth tolerating emotional or physical abuse.

LegacyUser

stayorleave wrote: »

... and so I'm monitoring carefully how things go.

OP I think you should listen to the unanimous advice you're getting here.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had to monitor carefully. It's not good enough. It means you don't/can't trust him to behave well, so the fear is still there.

FouxDaFaFa

I know it's difficult to think about ending a relationship, OP and it probably seems like it's fine for a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you to end it like it's a casual thing but I am very worried for you.

You are one half of this relationship, you are just as entitled to be happy and have your needs met as he is. It seems like it's unbalanced at the moment and it's all focussed on him and keeping him happy and calm. What about you?

Relationships can be difficult and they have their ups and downs but they shouldn't be something to be endured, something considered a success as long as the other person doesn't physically hurt you.

You know he wouldn't scream at his mother over something trivial or pinch a colleague who had made a mistake. You're supposed to be his partner but he treats you the worst out of anybody in his life. It's unacceptable.

Neyite

It takes an average of seven times before a woman finally ends an abusive relationship.

The physical abuse will likely stop if he feels he's on his last chance, but verbal and emotional ramp up to make up for it.

You've made a choice. I wish you the very best and hope you do keep to the ultimatum when he starts to kick off.

Do read the book I recommended. You'll find it quite possibly a life saver.

Emme

stayorleave wrote: »

Thanks all for the replies.
I have talked to him and told him that one more piece of physical aggression and we are through for good. He accepts that and has promised and so I'm monitoring carefully how things go.
Any more and I will be gone. Hard to believe I#m even writing this

I still think you should leave.

He might not use physical force again but he will up the emotional abuse big time. He might say to you "this is a situation where you'd drive anyone else to violence but because I'm so decent I'm not going to do anything to you". Or he might approach you in a threatening manner with a raised fist and then pull away saying "I'm not going to do anything even though you'd drive me to it".

Emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. It can wear you down to such an extent that you have no self-confidence left. I hope you are not at this stage already.

Please consider the advice you are getting here. Look at Women's Aid website - this page might be relevant to you.

Warning Signs:
http://www.womensaid.ie/help/warningsigns.html

Abuse
http://www.womensaid.ie/help/whatisdomesticviolence.html

e.g. signs of emotional abuse:
It includes:

being put down
being constrantly criticised
being referred to using derogatory language including calling women 'it', 'bitch'.

Don't leave it to late to get out of this relationship. It is not healthy for you.

You've given him the green light for emotional abuse by specifying and limiting your objection to physical abuse. He's most likely going to ramp up the pressure to get married, and after you're legally tied to him he'll reintroduce violence into his control system. He might wait until you're pregnant first, because you'll be more vulnerable and dependent, less able to escape.

You're with a man who abuses you verbally, who blames you for even the smallest of things, who physically hurts you, and who is pushing to be legally tied to you through marriage. Why do you think that is? I'll tell you what it isn't. It's not love, it's not respect, it's not partnership, it's not care, it's not a vision of a happy future shared by equals.

I would advise you the same as everyone else, with the added provisio of making sure you have someone with you when you tell him you're going. Take no chances, waste no time, accept no reassurances and don't listen to any excuses. He's hurt you before, and while he'll probably go all out to make you feel secure loved and special for the next while, he will revert to type sooner or later and you will be the one who pays when he hurts you again.

stargazer 68

OP I have told this story on other threads but I will tell you too.

A friend of mine was living with man just like that - she thought she could 'change him'. If you met her you would never ever think she would put up with any kind of abuse - I was stunned when she told me the story.

Anyway he 'would never do it again' and she married him. He gave her a black eye on their honeymoon! Time went on and she stayed with him because he 'will never do it again' but he did. One day she was standing in the kitchen and he threw a knife at her. It hit her in the back of the leg - luckily. However their 3 year old daughter was standing next to her and he simply didn't care if he hit her or not - his rage just overtook him! She picked up the little girl and walked out and never went back. She left everything behind.

Don't leave it until something like this happens because it could be just too late.

Merkin

Candie wrote: »

You've given him the green light for emotional abuse by specifying and limiting your objection to physical abuse. He's most likely going to ramp up the pressure to get married, and after you're legally tied to him he'll reintroduce violence into his control system. He might wait until you're pregnant first, because you'll be more vulnerable and dependent, less able to escape.

This is so true. I'm five months preggers and at my first midwifery appointment I was asked some very probing questions on my relationship with Mr. Merkin and his reaction to the pregnancy etc. It was quite disconcerting and I regaled the midwife with our general loved upness but also asked her why she was pursuing such a line of questioning. She told me that the amount of domestic violence that rears its ugly head in pregnancy is staggering and for the perpetrartos of such violence, the fact that the woman is pregnant and vulnerable makes them more of a target. :eek:

I really would urge you to take heed of the advice on this thread OP. It's unanimously in favour of you leaving this man and I don't think every single person can be wrong. Please reconsider.

Neyite

One important thing you should remember is that just because you go back once, twice or however many times, please dont feel that because of that you cant reach out to friends or womens aid services when you do need them. Like I said earlier, it can take several attempts to break free. I myself went back after a violent incident, though I think that deep down I knew he wouldnt change, only to leave for good a few months later. I was lucky to have had a few counselling sessions during this time with womens aid and that helped so much.

Emotional abuse, Verbal abuse, Financial Abuse and Gaslighting are almost worse than physical. With physical abuse, you have 'proof', for want of a better word, that what he does is over the line, that what he does is wrong. Its clear cut.

With non-physical types of abuse, its less tangible, but more damaging on the psyche in my opinion. If he withholds affection, or tries to emotionally manipulate you into feeling angry or sad or jealous, if he swears blind that he never said something to you and you are certain he did, these things can make you feel like you are going crazy. And he will do his best to ensure you are convinced of that and that he is the rational, sane one.

When we broke up, he convinced all our mutual friends I was crazy. And thus I joined the long list of 'crazy' ex's. Funny how he kept picking 'em eh? :rolleyes:

Another thing to watch for is that he may not touch you physically, but certain possessions that you are attached to might get inexplicably broken, so anything irreplacable, store with a friend for a while. Happened to me but we flatshared so it was easy for him to be all lovey-dovey and sympathetic and point the finger at another flatmate. If he breaks things in a row, you'll notice its either your stuff, or if its his, stuff he places no value on. Anything he values will escape unscathed.

When you are ready to leave, you will, until then, do whatever it takes to stay safe.

batistuta9

Neyite wrote: »

I'm guessing it will be rather pointless.

If the OP is the sole recipient of his abuse - verbal, emotional, financial or physical, and if he manages to be nice and pleasant to bosses, work colleagues, family members or people more intimidating than him, then its not anger issues, its domestic abuse, and counselling rarely works for that.

OP, have a look here at the warning signs of DV. I'm guessing you'll tick off more on the list that you havent mentioned in your post.

I can highly recommend a book for you to read - Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Its not available in e-format which is a pity, since its more discreet to read it on one.

But leave him, they do not change. Life is too short to spend it on tenderhooks waiting for the next explosion.

What's wrong with these people that they can't change?

eviltwin

OP please get out and get out now.

So he's told you it won't happen again, many an abuser has said that. Perhaps in that moment he really believes he won't hurt you again but once that red mist comes down all his good intentions will go out the window.

This is not a relationship, this is a sham of a relationship that is built on fear and control. Normal men don't treat their partners like this. Please think about it and what you could be letting yourself in for. I've worked with many women who have come out the other side of a DV situation and I've never met one who didn't say it was the best decision of her life.

Neyite

batistuta9 wrote: »

What's wrong with these people that they can't change?

From their point of view, they probably could change but why would they?

They get someone who puts them first, panders to their every mood and whim, get to take out bad behaviour on that person, feel superior, to be the Big Man (or Woman) in the relationship. And if their victim gets the strength to leave, they may not like it one bit because it takes a long time to 'train' someone to their rules. Like the boiled frog analogy you dont realise it until its too late.

Its a power trip. They regard you as little more than a pet they feel a vague affection for, controlling you and having their twisted bit of fun too. They can enjoy leaving you badly stuck for money, seeing you go hungry, rebuffing you when you want affection and intimacy, insisting or being forceful when you dont. They can enjoy building you up to enjoy a nice weekend away or night out only to ensure that some slight causes world war three and ruins it for you. They love to drive a wedge between you and people who care about you - especially those who may be onto him. They enjoy being able to, in an instant, change your mood from happy to fearful, to have you second-guess yourself, to enjoy the power they have to hurt you.

My ex hated his grandfather because he gave the grandmother a beating. His dad, their son, finally gave him a dose of his own medicine. Yet my ex's mother was a timid mouse and got visibly agitated if something was amiss in the household that would annoy her husband, so while he may not have physically abused, there was no way that he considered his wife equal to him, he was very dismissive and put her down constantly. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree really - if you expose your daughter to a relationship like this, you are saying "this is how a man should treat you" if you have a son, you are saying "this is how you treat a woman"

But, you dont realise it until you are in deep, usually. By that stage, they have demolished any sense of self worth and esteem you have and you convince yourself that you would end up alone, that no-one would want you, that you are too mean, too ugly, too fat for a relationship and you are lucky that they are willing to settle for you, shure who else would have you?? And its all brainwashing. Maybe he made you fall out with your friends and family so you are isolated from a support network. Maybe you have a few children by that stage and are a full time mother so havent a penny to your name and nowhere to go with them. Maybe you are worried that if you try to leave, he will hurt you and the children.

Its a false assumption that women in abusive relationships are weak. They are not - in fact it takes a lot of mental strength to put up with that kind of life day after day, and protect your kids and yourself from the worst of it. If they have one failing its that they are kind and want to believe the best in people, that people can change.

But in reality, the changes are only temporary and usually follow the pattern of the Cycle of Abuse.

The book I recommended upthread was written by a counseller who worked with abusers who wanted to change, or were maybe court-ordered to attend his therapy. His successes were quite rare, simply because for the abuser, it is and always will be, about them. Genuine cases of change take a huge overhaul and years of therapy.

verywell

cymbaline wrote: »

If he's with his friends or a member of his family, does he behave like this? Is he moody and aggressive to his mum? Does he scream at his best friend? As for you, do you feel like you're on eggshells when he's around? Do you feel afraid that if you say the wrong thing, he'll erupt and you'll get an earful?

This guy was clever enough to put the phone on mute before he screamed at you. It wouldn't surprise me if he lays off on the physical violence but ups the psychological terrorism.

You hit the nail on the head.

Please OP leave this man behind and get out now. You will regret staying. A person like u have described will not be able to control themselves in the long term without learning first to deal with their issues.

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks so much for the amazing advice and kindness from you all.
Just to say that I am in control of this and have listened to all you have said and am looking after myself number one. Thanks all

Stavro Mueller

I hope you are as in control of this as you think you are. Wishing you the best of luck into the future.

LegacyUser

Hey all, it's been over a week since I posted here and I've put a lot into trying to sort things, in various ways, and I am feeling more secure and want to check that it's not a false sense of security.
Initially I did not just want to walk out of the relationship without explaining to him what he had done was wrong, etc. and I didn't want things to get messy. I talked to my boyf about the issues and he got it. He cried and apologised for how he treated me those times and promised to watch his temper which he has.
It has been a tough week in terms of talking, etc. but I think we have made a breakthrough.
I just don't want to be naive.

Tokyo

stayorleave wrote: »

....He cried and apologised for how he treated me those times and promised to watch his temper which he has.
It has been a tough week in terms of talking, etc. but I think we have made a breakthrough.

I'm glad that you have taken a stand on this OP. Although I don't agree with your decision to give him one more chance, I respect the fact that you have made it and I wish you the best.

I truly hope that he is the exception to the rule, but as I've said, I've seen and heard all of the apologies before, the promises of it never happening again. And in my experience the only people who have managed to keep that promise are the ones that sought out professional help to deal with their anger issues.

Good luck OP.

ABajaninCork

stayorleave wrote: »

Hey all, it's been over a week since I posted here and I've put a lot into trying to sort things, in various ways, and I am feeling more secure and want to check that it's not a false sense of security.
Initially I did not just want to walk out of the relationship without explaining to him what he had done was wrong, etc. and I didn't want things to get messy. I talked to my boyf about the issues and he got it. He cried and apologised for how he treated me those times and promised to watch his temper which he has.
It has been a tough week in terms of talking, etc. but I think we have made a breakthrough.
I just don't want to be naive.

Abusers always cry and promise never to do it again. Until the next time. He's watching his temper for now.

I had an ex who threw me across the room. He cried, begged and pleaded for me not to leave him. He knew that if my father and brothers ever found out, that would be the end of him. Like I fool, I took him back.

And yes - He did it again. Years between the incidents. But he DID IT AGAIN. At that point, I headed for the exit.

I really hope that this IS a breakthrough. But I have my doubts. I'm telling you girl, drop it like it's hot!

Is he getting help for his anger issues? I bet he doesn't think he has any.

I wish you all the best. I really do.

Jenneke87

I hope he follows through on his promise and treats with respect from now on, but I wonder how anyone with such a temper can go from agressive and screaming to being a kind and respectful partner in the space of a week? Did he find a miracle cure or something? I certainly don't wanna trash your hopes, but usually that kind of change takes some intensive counselling that sometimes can take years and he does it in the space of seven days? Personally, I think it's a matter of time before he will lash out again be it verbally or physcially. I hope I'm wrong and whatever the outcome, I wish you the very best of luck.

LegacyUser

He does seem to realise he was wrong but I still recognise this is a risk and the next few weeks will determine our future together. The other thing he used to do was to cover my mouth with his hand occasionally if he wanted me to stop shouting or talking even during an argument.
I just don't know if his temper is so bad that it can't be controlled and he seems to be able to control it if he wants to so I have to see.
He has never pushed me, thrown me, or hit me, etc. and just those small things that I mentioned have happened.

I heard that small occasional occurrences like these happen in 1 in 4 relationships.
Is that true?

OldBean

stayorleave wrote: »

I heard that small occasional occurrences like these happen in 1 in 4 relationships.
Is that true?

I don't know, but it definitely doesn't make it normal or acceptable. It could be 1 in 4,000,000,000 and it's still 1 too many.