My parents want me to give them money monthly

GlobalSun

I recently graduated from college and I am currently looking for a job abroad (I have a job at the moment, but it's just a temporary thing). I'm not living with them at the moment and I have no intentions of living with them ever again.

I have a prestigious degree, and I am more than likely to find a decent permanent job in the near future (abroad), or at least, I hope so). My parents paid for my rent and tuition during those 5 college years. They said that even if I will be living abroad/away, I will HAVE to give them money.

However, they're now demanding I give them a large percentage of my monthly wage once I find a permanent job. I mean, I just graduated, I need some time to put my life together, and put some money aside (you never know, a job is never a "sure" thing and I want to save to go to graduate school). I can't afford to give them money every single month.

They earn a lot of money themselves, and even though sometimes they didn't have a lot of money, they still managed to pay for my rent. Nonetheless, I just don't get why they are stubborn when it comes to giving them money. I am very grateful, and they know it, but they act completely irrational now that I've graduated.

They claim they're going to cut me off if I don't give them money, which at this point, doesn't matter. I mean, I still have dreams and plans for the next 5 years (graduate school mainly), I can't afford to give them a large percentage of my foreseeable wage. This is ridiculous and not realistic at all.

What should I do? I am on the verge of leaving and never contact them again.

CaraMay

Are you still living with them?

GlobalSun

CaraMay wrote: »

Are you still living with them?

No, which makes the whole situation completely ridiculous.

I have no intentions of ever living with them again.

shruikan2553

This depends on a few things. As above are you living with them? How much are you expected to give them? 25%, 10% on how much? It does seem odd for parents expecting you to pay that back to them, Ive never heard about it before unless the person was living with them.

MagicMarker

What percentage are we talking about here? And for how long?

Was it agreed before you went to college that you'd have to pay some back?

Are you sure they don't actually need the money? Maybe putting you through college cost them a lot more than you think?

bumper234

So they have paid for your tuition and rent for 5 years (never mind what they spent raising you) which i guess would come into the tens of thousands of euro's and now they would like you to pay some of this back you are having a hissy fit and threatening to walk away from them and have nothing else to do with them? Sounds like they would be better off in that case because from your posts you sound like a spoiled brat who needs to lose the sense of entitlement.

GlobalSun

MagicMarker wrote: »

What percentage are we talking about here? And for how long?

Was it agreed before you went to college that you'd have to pay some back?

Are you sure they don't actually need the money? Maybe putting you through college cost them a lot more than you think?

Basically, I'll have to cover for their bills, debts and pay for my siblings college/school tuition. As for the timing, they said it will be a permanent thing.

It was not agreed before I went off to college. We had never talked about this before. It came up completely out of the blue after graduation.


To me, it doesn't make any sense. They paid for college, and agreed to do it for "free". I don't mind giving them money from time to time (it's the least I can do), but covering for every single one of their expenses on top of clearing their debts, it's an exaggeration in my opinion.

michael999999

You sound like an ungrateful ...

Have they fallen on hard times lately? It might be worth having a chat and just fleshing some stuff out.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

What's the percentage approximately?

shruikan2553

Whatever about paying them back a little a month by an amount that isnt too much, say 10% or less, expecting you to be a permanent source of income is too far.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

shruikan2553 wrote: »

Whatever about paying them back a little a month by an amount that isnt too much, say 10% or less, expecting you to be a permanent source of income is too far.

If he'd taken a part time job to pay his way through college, I'd agree, but seeing as they paid it and therefore set him up I'd think a small contribution of about 10-15% is reasonable.

GlobalSun

shruikan2553 wrote: »

Whatever about paying them back a little a month by an amount that isnt too much, say 10% or less, expecting you to be a permanent source of income is too far.

Exactly. I don't mind paying them a small amount. But clearing every single one of their debts, covering for my siblings tuition and expenses, on top of giving them an allowance, no. Just no. Especially as they'd want it to be a permanent agreement.

They said that if I were to earn 2000e for instance, I'd have to give them 500e monthly. This is way too much.

DeVore

This might seem like a weird question but is your family originally Irish or from abroad?

GlobalSun

Duracell Bunny wrote: »

If he'd taken a part time job to pay his way through college, I'd agree, but seeing as they paid it and therefore set him up I'd think a small contribution of about 10-15% is reasonable.

I'm a woman. But before I went to college, they told me I wouldn't have to "return" anything as it would be regarded as a "loan" and it's not what they wanted. They paid my way through college so I wouldn't have to take out a student loan. But clearly, it is the same outcome.

MagicMarker

While it would be nice of the OP to pay back all the money, this should have been discussed before he/she went off to college.

The parents expecting the OP, who doesn't live at home, to pay a large percentage of their income every month permanently is really bad form to be honest. I have never heard of any parent expecting that from their child. If anything they seem to be the selfish ones.

GlobalSun

DeVore wrote: »

This might seem like a weird question but is your family originally Irish or from abroad?

Nope, not Irish. Cultural differences, I agree. But still.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

25% is a lot. But which is more important to you, money or family?

GlobalSun

MagicMarker wrote: »

While it would be nice of the OP to pay back all the money, this should have been discussed before he/she went off to college.

The parents expecting the OP, who doesn't live at home, to pay a large percentage of their income every month permanently is really bad form to be honest. I have never heard of any parent expecting that from their child. If anything they seem to be the selfish ones.

They set me up to a certain extent. I asked them if I'd have to pay everything back after college, they declined! They told me that it wasn't a loan and "that's what parents do". Alright. 5 years later, they changed their tone and asked me basically to take care of them at all times.

(They even expect me to buy them a car, and all that jazz on top of what they're already demanding).

December2012

If they are threatening to "cut you off" does that mean they are financially supporting you at all right now?

GlobalSun

December2012 wrote: »

If they are threatening to "cut you off" does that mean they are financially supporting you at all right now?

No. Cut me off in the sense "not speak to me again". Write me off. Whichever you prefer.

They somewhat have a leach on me and that's what bothering me.

MagicMarker

GlobalSun wrote: »

They set me up to a certain extent. I asked them if I'd have to pay everything back after college, they declined! They told me that it wasn't a loan and "that's what parents do". Alright. 5 years later, they changed their tone and asked me basically to take care of them at all times.

(They even expect me to buy them a car, and all that jazz on top of what they're already demanding).

Are you sure they're not in financial trouble?

Czarcasm

GlobalSun wrote: »

They claim they're going to cut me off if I don't give them money, which at this point, doesn't matter. I mean, I still have dreams and plans for the next 5 years (graduate school mainly), I can't afford to give them a large percentage of my foreseeable wage. This is ridiculous and not realistic at all.

What should I do? I am on the verge of leaving and never contact them again.

OP I wasn't sure if this was a wind-up, because it's normally only in comedy films you'd see the stroppy teenager with no self awareness, completely oblivious to his own obnoxious attitude.

Your parents have supported you all throughout your life and are trying to teach you some responsibility. They gave you every means to have the best of education and you think you'll just carry on dreaming your way through life?

Your parents made a terrible mistake enabling your sense of entitlement in the first place, so they only have themselves to blame for your ungrateful behaviour. You could show them you can be a responsible adult by contributing what money you can to the family.

This would have the added benefit of you not cutting off your nose to spite your face, but somehow I have a feeling you have no intentions of thinking of anyone but yourself.

GlobalSun

MagicMarker wrote: »

Are you sure they're not in financial trouble?

Even if they were in financial trouble at the moment, it doesn't justify demanding 25% of my wage for the rest of my life. No.

I asked if this shift in perspective was temporary due to a certain hardship they might be going through, they claimed that whatever their situation may be, I won't be off the hook. I'll still have to give them money regardless of their financial situation.


Like I said, I don't mind helping, but only to a certain extent. They went WAY overboard in my opinion.

Molester Stallone

I think most of the posters here have missed the bit where the OP states his parents are not Irish born.
From the outside, it looks like a cultural clash to me, perhaps the OP can clear that up? Would this behavior be the norm in their country of origink

DeVore

Thats why I asked the question.... If I had to guess, I would guess probably Asian as it is more common there for the eldest to get a good education and then help educate the rest of the family.

I think this is not only a clash of cultures but of "times" too, as that sort of idea has faded (for better or worse) over the last few decades.

Talk to them. They seem adamant that you have to pay them something - come to an agreement that you'll pay them back a fixed amount.. say.. €5,000 - €10,000 and that once this is paid, that's as high as you'll go.

bumper234

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Talk to them. They seem adamant that you have to pay them something - come to an agreement that you'll pay them back a fixed amount.. say.. €5,000 - €10,000 and that once this is paid, that's as high as you'll go.

Op should work out how much tuition, rent etc cost over the last 5 years, agree with parents to pay back this amount + a % of interest (15% sounds fair) and then agree to pay that off.

lifeandtimes

op in my opinion i feel you should be grateful for what your parents did for you,paying through college,rent and all that jazz and from your posts it seems that you are in some sense...paying something back isnt over the top...however in saying that i find it a bit of an under handed tactic that they pulled this on you with out previously advising or agreeing with you that this would be the case

My advise would be sit down with them, tell them how much you appreciate what they did for you,tell them you are happy to assist them in times of difficulty but the situation was not agreed upon before hand and you wont support them for the rest of you life,agree on an allowance that is suitable for you to be able to support yourself and so on and if they dont like it then then tell them that this wasn't agreed and springing something like this on someone trying to find their feet is unfair,even if they did pay for a lot of you stuff parents should be parents and its not"whatever they paid for you during your life you have to pay back"

Big Bag of Chips

You don't have a job yet - you've just finished a "prestigious degree" that your parents have paid for. You don't live at home so your parents are still paying your rent, and you say your plans for the next 5 years are graduate school... more college? More support from your parents?

What you are saying doesn't add up to be honest. I can't see any scenario where parents, once their child has graduated from college would then hand over all bills, all loans and debts, all support of other children to their eldest child. Especially if they earn a wage themselves. I think you are probably hearing what you want to hear, not necessarily what they are saying.

The only way to sort this out is to sit down with your parents - as adults - and talk it through. If everything you say is true, then you need to tell them that you cannot possibly support a family on your first wage, as well as looking after yourself in accommodation etc.

If you cannot come to an agreement that you are happy with,m then it looks like you are going to walk away. Just be sure that you are walking away from a bad deal for yourself, rather than an adult arrangement where you start standing on your own feet and paying your own way in life.

GlobalSun

Deleted User wrote: »

Talk to them. They seem adamant that you have to pay them something - come to an agreement that you'll pay them back a fixed amount.. say.. €5,000 - €10,000 and that once this is paid, that's as high as you'll go.

Yep. I tried to come up with such agreement, but they claim that "they paid way too much and I could never repay them half the amount they invested". Which therefore leads to a "permanent" allowance. I just don't understand why they did not warn me before I went off to college. I told them multiple times I am grateful for their immense help, but I just cannot picture myself giving away such a large amount of money on a permanent basis.

My parents are not Irish. They were educated in France, and are very much aware of the "western" culture. We're not Asian.

In terms of education, they're investing just as much for my siblings who are enrolled in private schools with high tuition.

missjm

OP could you work out a compromise. A lesser amount for now and increasing it later on.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's unreasonable on their part to ask you to contribute something back. But I do think if you believe it's an unreasonable amount they are looking for you should all sit down as adults and discuss it. Bear in mind that they most likely made a lot of sacrifices so you could spend your time in College, concentrate on study and not have to worry about rent, food etc as majority of students do.

GlobalSun

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You don't have a job yet - you've just finished a "prestigious degree" that your parents have paid for. You don't live at home so your parents are still paying your rent, and you say your plans for the next 5 years are graduate school... more college? More support from your parents?

What you are saying doesn't add up to be honest. I can't see any scenario where parents, once their child has graduated from college would then hand over all bills, all loans and debts, all support of other children to their eldest child. Especially if they earn a wage themselves. I think you are probably hearing what you want to hear, not necessarily what they are saying.

The only way to sort this out is to sit down with your parents - as adults - and talk it through. If everything you say is true, then you need to tell them that you cannot possibly support a family on your first wage, as well as looking after yourself in accommodation etc.

If you cannot come to an agreement that you are happy with,m then it looks like you are going to walk away. Just be sure that you are walking away from a bad deal for yourself, rather than an adult arrangement where you start standing on your own feet and paying your own way in life.

You didn't read my post properly. The first sentence clearly states "I do have a job, cover my own rent" but it is not a permanent job. It is a minimum wage job which helps me cover for my rent while I'm applying for permanent jobs.

My parents are already making plans for when I find a "permanent" job.

I am not hearing what I want to hear. I asked them to tell me precisely how they'd want this "allowance" to work, and they said: Pay for your siblings tuition and expenses, bills and all the remaining debts we have and once we're done, keep giving us a monthly allowance. I don't understand how this doesn't add up when it's crystal clear.

At this point, I would have preferred to take out a student loan. They told me they'd cover for me to avoid a student loan, but the end result is the same.

shruikan2553

GlobalSun wrote: »

You didn't read my post properly. The first sentence clearly states "I do have a job, cover my own rent" but it is not a permanent job. It is a minimum wage job which helps me cover for my rent while I'm applying for permanent jobs.

My parents are already making plans for when I find a "permanent" job.

I am not hearing what I want to hear. I asked them to tell me precisely how they'd want this "allowance" to work, and they said: Pay for your siblings tuition and expenses, bills and all the remaining debts we have and once we're done, keep giving us a monthly allowance. I don't understand how this doesn't add up when it's crystal clear.

At this point, I would have preferred to take out a student loan. They told me they'd cover for me to avoid a student loan, but the end result is the same.

That is too much anyway. How much you give should be based on what is left after living costs, take away some for savings and then after that some money can be given to them to cover the costs. Even then that shouldn't be a permanent thing. People are talking about over entitlement but its your parents who expect you to support the entire family from the start.

Big Bag of Chips

I did read your post before you edited it to change/add details. You mentioned that your parents "pay" your rent - you then edited this to "paid" you rent during college. I saw your post <1 min after you posted it, and it came across as very entitled, with none of the extra detail that you added as the thread went on. From that first post I got the impression you felt very entitled - and it seems other posters thought so too. That is when you started editing and adding details of how much you claim your parents are actually asking you for.

And that is why I'm not a 100% convinced of all you say. I don't doubt that your parents are looking for something from you. But your sense of outrage in your first pre-edited post, leads me to believe that you are now adding bits on to strengthen your story.

Can I ask though - what advice are you looking for? Your whole thread is just a rant about what your parents are asking you for. The only advice people can offer you is - sit down and talk with your parents. Find out, exactly what they expect you to contribute. And then you either negotiate, agree to it, or walk away and never look back. (as you say you feel like doing)

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

Pay back what you think the last 4 years cost them to help you through college. Let it never be more than 20% of your wage. Stop paying them off when you have covered yourself.

They're quite unlikely to 'cut you off' while you are agreeing to pay them money every week. It won't be as much as they expect but it's surely better than nothing from their point of view.

GlobalSun

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I did read your post before you edited it to change/add details. You mentioned that your parents "pay" your rent - you then edited this to "paid" you rent during college. I saw your post <1 min after you posted it, and it came across as very entitled, with none of the extra detail that you added as the thread went on. From that first post I got the impression you felt very entitled - and it seems other posters thought so too. That is when you started editing and adding details of how much you claim your parents are actually asking you for.

And that is why I'm not a 100% convinced of all you say. I don't doubt that your parents are looking for something from you. But your sense of outrage in your first pre-edited post, leads me to believe that you are now adding bits on to strengthen your story.

Can I ask though - what advice are you looking for? Your whole thread is just a rant about what your parents are asking you for. The only advice people can offer you is - sit down and talk with your parents. Find out, exactly what they expect you to contribute. And then you either negotiate, agree to it, or walk away and never look back. (as you say you feel like doing)

No. What they asked for is stated in my other posts. I didn't feel like stating the details on my first post because I wrote it on a whim. Now, I just want to know if it is reasonable for my parents to demand such payments ( siblings' tuition, allowance, debts, and bills) ? They can't even get their story straight. My mom and dad don't have the same vision of "giving back". My mom is not demanding much but my dad is clearly after a substantial amount of money.

In my opinion, I feel as though it is a bit over the top. I agree on giving back, I genuinely do. I wouldn't mind giving them a small allowance which would be as high as 15%. But what they're demanding is not reasonable at all (in my opinion). I even told them I'd have no problem helping out at times, but not on a permanent basis and basically have them live off of me.

Big Bag of Chips

GlobalSun wrote: »

I agree on giving back, I genuinely do. I even told them I had no problem helping out at times, but not on a permanent basis and basically have them live off of me.

Well then that's what you tell them. They take it or leave it - or you take it or leave it.

CaraMay

They are entitled to ask off whatever they want. It's your choice to play ball or not.

I think there is some thing else going on here. They are definitely trying to teach you a lesson. Have you gotten a bit big for your boots while doing your prestigious degree?

GlobalSun

CaraMay wrote: »

They are entitled to ask off whatever they want. It's your choice to play ball or not.

I think there is some thing else going on here. They are definitely trying to teach you a lesson. Have you gotten a bit big for your boots while doing your prestigious degree?

Well, according to my dad, the sole fact that I earned a "prestigious" degree is enough to get a 80- 100k+ job which means, I'd have "too much" money and therefore they deserve a "payback" / "allowance". He is a bit delusional. A degree does not guarantee a 100k entry job (far from it).

I agree. They are entitled to demand a pay back, for sure. But I can't foresee my future income, so I can't make any sort of promises at the moment.

Lollipops23

CaraMay wrote: »

They are entitled to ask off whatever they want. It's your choice to play ball or not.

I think there is some thing else going on here. They are definitely trying to teach you a lesson. Have you gotten a bit big for your boots while doing your prestigious degree?

I'm stunned people are being so hard on the OP. She considered getting student loan when she entered 3rd level education-if she had, at least she'd have spent her college years aware of the payback and planned accordingly.

But her parents told her they'd cover her and are only now demanding the money back? And the rest, payment on an ongoing basis?

Unless your parents are struggling financially, it is NOT on you to bankroll your siblings education. That's your parents gig, you didn't choose for your mother to have whatever amount of kids they had.

I fully understand "giving back" to your parents-I treat my mam as often as I can just to show her how much I appreciate everything she's done (and still does) for me. She's happy that she raised an appreciative child (and I totally am). A while ago she gave me a loan for an unforeseen expense and when I (immediately) paid her back and thanked her for getting me out of a hole, she said that's what parents do, no matter the age of their kid (I'm 26).

Your parents are treating you like a meal ticket and being really disrespectful IMO.

Molester Stallone

^^ again, cultural differences between Irish people & others has! to be taken into account

Acedia.

GlobalSun wrote: »

At this point, I would have preferred to take out a student loan. They told me they'd cover for me to avoid a student loan, but the end result is the same.

Some student loans don't have to be repaid until the graduate is earning over a certain amount. Could you suggest to your parents that you'll consider their request but not until you're in a permanent job earning X pa?


I don't know your background (though you said your parents are paying private school fees) but in my experience middle class kids are always supported through college. it's something the parents will have factored in from the moment the child is born. It might be expected that the student would get a part time job but they're basically supported to the same level as when they were at school. If that's your background I wouldn't blame you for having a sense of entitlement. What your parents are suggesting is downright extraordinary.

I hope you can come to an agreement with them.

Penny Tration

I dunno op, I find parts of this quite difficult to believe, but I'll go with it as if it were all true.

I pay my mum 30% of my weekly wage, because I live at home and that's her rule, which I'm fine with. When I lived alone, I threw her a hundred euro a month (I earned 250 pw) and when she's well enough for me to move back out again, I'll still contribute as much as I can.

That said, she has never and will never ask for money from anyone in the family who moves/moved out. I can understand paying back what they paid, that's understandable.

But if they are truly demanding that much and you won't pay it, you have to decide which is more important - family or money.

Aside from that, how on earth will they ever know what you earn unless you tell them!?

A_Sober_Paddy

Well OP I put myself through college while living at home and still gave my mother money for rent despite only working 12 hours a week, now I was on a grant but one of the lower ones at the time. I've not taken money from my parents since transition year.

I think if your parents put you through college you should aim to pay them back all the money they gave you for rent, food and fees, it is the least you can do

CaraMay

You speak very disrespectfully about your parents. You were happy to take the hand out when it suited you. I can't listen to any more of this. Over and out.

TheChizler

OP I wonder what the response would be if you made the point that if you are going to be paying for your sibling's education, you would be expecting a similar arrangement where they permanently give you part if their income.

missjm

GlobalSun wrote: »

Well, according to my dad, the sole fact that I earned a "prestigious" degree is enough to get a 80- 100k+ job which means, I'd have "too much" money and therefore they deserve a "payback" / "allowance". He is a bit delusional. A degree does not guarantee a 100k entry job (far from it).

I agree. They are entitled to demand a pay back, for sure. But I can't foresee my future income, so I can't make any sort of promises at the moment.

It would obviously depend on the field but no, entry level would unlikely pay that high in majority of fields. Are you sure he meant entry level? It's none of my business and I don't want to pry too much - are your parents professionals? Perhaps they have an unrealistic view of how competitive things are out there? I don't know what field you studied in, is there any specific reason you are going abroad or is it purely due to career opportunities? Are your parents in agreement with the move abroad?

shruikan2553

CaraMay wrote: »

You speak very disrespectfully about your parents. You were happy to take the hand out when it suited you. I can't listen to any more of this. Over and out.

Parents paying for children is nothing new. To be honest its more disrespectful expecting your child to pretty much fund the entire family on an entry level wage. If the parents are healthy and working theres no reason for it.

Lollipops23

CaraMay wrote: »

You speak very disrespectfully about your parents. You were happy to take the hand out when it suited you. I can't listen to any more of this. Over and out.

I don't think she's being particularly disrespectful tbh. Just cos they gave birth to you, doesn't automatically entitle them to treat you like crap.

sopretty

As a mother, I feel it is my DUTY to provide education for my daughter. While I might have some vague notion that she might be nice to me in my old age (if I get there), my duty is to HER, not the other way round. I chose to have her. Her achievements in life will make me proud. Please God, she will go on to achieve a good education and successful career. In no way however, would I ever expect her to 'pay me back'. For goodness sake, she's my daughter! It's my responsibility to try to help her out in life, not to try to extort money from her and use her as some sort of commodity!

As for your situation, I would probably say, 'look, Mam, Dad, thank you for all your support to me during my education. I'm very appreciative and grateful. However, in time, I hope to have children too, and I would like to be in a comfortable position to support them financially throughout their lives until they get jobs, so I am not going to be permanently in a position to pay you money. That said, I will contribute to the family from time to time, as and when my resources allow such contribution. This is my position. I'm sorry it's not what you anticipated, but realistically, it's what I am choosing to do'.