am i overreacting/unreasonable?

LegacyUser

hey, my gf or 3 months has been away this week skiing, our 3 month anniversary was on the monday and its somrthing that actually meant something as we have had lots of conversations about how for the last few years she hasnt had one that lasted past 3 months as she typically gets bored, anyway we half joked about "oh, nearly time to break up " over the last few weeks etc etc

anyway, so she is skiing since saturday morning when I drop her to the airport at 6am.
now since we have known each other we always txt goodnight to each other, literally everynight for the last 3 months.
Sunday evening comes and I havent heard from her since 4pm, 11, 12, 1am still nothing
I txt her and still nothing
by this time Im worried that she is in a ditch somewhere or worse. or she could be off with some other bloke for all I know. Early in the the relationship she kissed someone during a very boozy night out with friends, so although she tells me things are different now, its still fresh in my mind as I only found out a couple of weeks ago.

So I dont sleep at all that night, she doesnt answer her phone at all.
nexet morning I get a txt saying that she was hammered and in bed by 9pm.
Im pretty pissed off at this stage as I was so worried and honestly worn out, zero sleep all night for me.

we have a big fight about it as she is very blase about the whole thing.
eventually she apologises and says she didnt realise that I would be worried/upset as she hasnt had that before.

we move on and get over it
ffwd to last night. at 5m she txts to say she is heading out for dinner (and drinks)
around 8 I drop her a txt to see how she is getting on, as she was meeting up with the others who had been out all afternoon drinking.
no reply
again around 10 I txt her

just before 12 I get a msg saying she is back in bed drunk and goodnight

am I overreacting to be annoyed by this?
again I was worried about what might have happened or what she was up to, and from my side, I feel she should have known I would be based on the big fight we had 2 days before.

I sent a snotty message about how poor the phone coverage must be up there and leave it at that
next day she carries on as normal, nothing happened
im pretty mad so ignore her
I eventually get a message asking am I mad about her not txting me "for a few hours" the night before she had dinner and then went to a pub and they had no reception in the pub apparently. (I believe this, Ive been there)

in my head Im thinking why couldnt she txt me to let me know that when they were leaving the restaurant (they had been before and also nkew there was no reception as we spoke about it)
or even if not, sometime in the 6 hours I would have bothered my arse to stick my head outside to send a txt saying hi and where I was, especially based on the previous fight.

am I unreasonable here? Would anyone else expect contact from a recent partner in this scenario, considering the things that had happened in the past and the fight we had 2 days before?

she is sending me txts now saying that she is sorry etc but Im left rethinking the whole thing...to me its clear that we want/need/expect different things from this. It wouldnt occur to me to go out on the piss and not let her know or even want to contact her over the space of 6 hours. If we had just had a big fight 2 days before about that very thing Id be bending over backwards to reassure her.
she is due home tomorrow and now I feel its all messed up. I had planned on surprising her at the airport with a stupid chauffeur sign as she thinks Im busy with something else, but right now Im so angry and disappointed when I think about it that its the last thing I feel like doing...


sorry for the epic/rant

appreciate any other views...

Big Bag of Chips

You're being unreasonable. She's on holidays enjoying herself. You're sitting at home with nothing else to occupy you other than what she must be getting up to on holidays.

Back off, or she will be breaking up with you when she gets back.

Legs.Eleven

You're COMPLETELY overreacting! Let the woman enjoy her holiday! If you can't trust her, then you shouldn't be together.

jlm29

My goodness, you sound very high maintenance. She's away on holidays, trying to enjoy herself, and you're trying to take the good out of it by making her feel guilty for not being in contact.
I'd back off a little bit, and let her to it. Otherwise, she'll be discussing with her friends how she can let you down gently when she gets back, because she feels smothered

ElleEm

You are ruining her holiday!
The usual "goodnight/ good morning" routine will go out the window when she is having (or trying!) to have fun.
If you have any sense, you will meet her at the airport and profusely apologise for your behaviour.

Meauldsegosha

I agree with the others here you are completely over reacting. She is away on holidays, let her enjoy herself.

overreacting1 wrote: »

It wouldnt occur to me to go out on the piss and not let her know or even want to contact her over the space of 6 hours.

You can't go out on a night with your friends without contacting her. You are only going out three months. That is way too intense and OTT for that stage of a relationship. I would be running for the hills if I was your girlfriend.

ManOfMystery

Why the constant need for texts? If I was on holiday and my other half was texting as much as that, then getting all angsty because I wasn't making it a priority to reply within a certain time window, I'd find it absolutely suffocating. Holidays are meant to be about relaxing, having fun, and not having to stick to schedules or routines like every other day.

Back off, relax, let the girl enjoy her holiday in peace, and stop behaving like a clingy boyfriend. To a lot of people, there's nothing more unattractive.

Chara1001

Oh my God Op back off,
Leave her alone she's on holiday- let her enjoy it!
Sounds like you're doing a very thorough job of making sure you'll be single when she gets back

Candy_Girl

Just leave her alone to enjoy her holiday, talk about what you need to talk about when she gets back. You will drive her away by being so clingy.

I don't think you will have to worry about ' what she is up to' for too much longer!

I can't imagine any normal person putting up with such needy and controlling behaviour by you for long!

Perhaps you are only young and you don't have much relationship experience but you really need to take a step back.
She is quite entitled to her own life and to enjoy her holidays without having a row with you because you are feeling insecure!

Czarcasm

OP to be honest, neither of you sound very good for each other. You genuinely come across as more upset that your routine of 'text first thing in the morning, and last thing at night' has been interrupted by your girlfriend being out of reach for a couple of hours. You're driving her away with your bombarding her with contact and it sounds more like you just want to keep tabs on her than actually inquire as to how she's enjoying her holiday. She simply CAN'T enjoy her holiday if she's feeling smothered and pressured, 'obliged' to text you almost - massive, massive turn off. It screams insecurity, and I'm just thinking given that her previous relationships haven't lasted very long before you, are the insecure and needy type of guys the kind she's attracted to, then it gets too much and she bolts.

Your girlfriend sounds like she likes her independence, but she likes to know she always has someone there at the same time. Clearly that's not good for her, and obviously it's doing you no favours either. I personally wouldn't see this relationship lasting much longer if both of you don't sit down and have a serious chat about what you both want from the relationship and your expectations for each other.

And for Christ sake lay off the need be in contact so much. That's when the relationship turns into just being in contact for the sake of it rather than the fact that you genuinely miss each other. At least give yourselves time to miss each other rather than kicking up because your routine is upset.

retro:electro

Yes you are overreacting and tbh I think you both need to grow up a bit.

Zen65

bubblypop wrote: »

Perhaps you are only young and you don't have much relationship experience but you really need to take a step back.
She is quite entitled to her own life and to enjoy her holidays without having a row with you because you are feeling insecure!

+1 to this.

I suspect you are dwelling on the incident that she told you of recently where she kissed some other guy, but that was in the early days and she trusts you enough to have shared that.

Your constant texting will break that trust. Give her space to enjoy her holiday, and stop acting in such an insecure manner. You need to learn to allow her the independence to enjoy herself, and not to treat her as though you were 'loaning' her that freedom.

LegacyUser

Hey OP here.

I'm not bothered about the texts as much I'm bothered that she couldn't bothered want to talk to me while out. When I'm out I still think of her and drop her a msg. If I knew that she felt bad when i didn't contact her all night i would definitely make the effort.

I find the grow up comments strange, I happen to want to feel wanted a partner...you might call it needy but it's normal to me. As for why you think she needs to grow up??

I have already said to get that we need to talk when she is back. I'm not going to stay a relationship where i don't feel wanted or that my needs aren't important, no future in not being happy.

I contact her because i want to, I want her to know that I'm thinking of her. Normally we send each other texts all the time, throughout the day. These two days are just completely different than our normal routine...and it upsets me.
It's not a trust issue, I don't honestly think she is off at something, I'm just hurt and angry that she doesn't want to contact me herself and couldn't be bothered sending one when she knows expecting it.


Cheers for comments.

CaraMay

The most you keep up this cr@p the less she will want to contact you. Tbh after 3 months I would expect you will get your marching orders when she gets home. You are way ott.

Big Bag of Chips

confused 1 wrote: »

Normally we send each other texts all the time, throughout the day. These two days are just completely different than our normal routine...and it upsets me.

She's on holidays!!!!!! So the entire routine is different. Her focus, for 1 week is to be with her friends, skiing and enjoying herself. It's just 1 week out of her life/your (very young) relationship.

This is not a "normal" time in your relationship. So the "normal routine" doesn't apply. I'll repeat, she is on holidays. Out of routine. I'm sure when she's at home she doesn't go out 7 nights a week for dinner and drinks.. but she does do it while she's on holiday, because... she's on holiday!

Expecting things to be the same when she's away for a week, as if she were at home, is completely unreasonable on your part. Honestly, OP. You asked are "am I overreacting/unreasonable?" - Everyone has said you are - yet you still think you're not.

I can't see the relationship making it to 4 months, to be honest.

ElleEm

Do you not get how things are different when she is on holiday though? Her day most likely starts early, she is probably wearing gloves when in the slopes and it wouldn't be safe for her to be texting whilst skiing. When she isn't skiing, she is probably having meals, chatting with her pals and having fun. Myself and my boyfriend text constantly, but if either of us are away, it will only be a couple of texts a day, whenever we get the chance. We encourage each other to immerse ourselves fully in the spirit of the holiday and not worry about home. This is what you should be doing. By all means, if you aren't happy with contact on a regular day, bring it up, but it would be completely out of order for you to demand the same level of contact while she is away.

Chara1001

Stop waiting and expecting texts and being bothered about her not being bothered!!
Ok it's a break from your routine, surely you knew there'd be a break there as she's away -a break in your routine anyway.
It sounds like you're testing her, and waiting for her to fail.
You're coming across as extremely needy, clingy and you seem to be very easily offended- do you want your gf walking on eggshells around you?

retro:electro

OP these two days are completely different to normal because she is on holidays enjoying herself. What don't you understand about that? Give the girl a breather you are suffocating her. As for why she is apologising to you I have no idea.
You said yourself you know there was no coverage there, why do you want to put yourself and your girlfriend through all of this agro?

LegacyUser

confused 1 wrote: »

Hey OP here.

I'm not bothered about the texts as much I'm bothered that she couldn't bothered want to talk to me while out. When I'm out I still think of her and drop her a msg. If I knew that she felt bad when i didn't contact her all night i would definitely make the effort.

I find the grow up comments strange, I happen to want to feel wanted a partner...you might call it needy but it's normal to me. As for why you think she needs to grow up??

I have already said to get that we need to talk when she is back. I'm not going to stay a relationship where i don't feel wanted or that my needs aren't important, no future in not being happy.

I contact her because i want to, I want her to know that I'm thinking of her. Normally we send each other texts all the time, throughout the day. These two days are just completely different than our normal routine...and it upsets me.
It's not a trust issue, I don't honestly think she is off at something, I'm just hurt and angry that she doesn't want to contact me herself and couldn't be bothered sending one when she knows expecting it.


Cheers for comments.

In your OP, you called yourself "overreacting1".
Your thread title is "am i overreacting/unreasonable?".
Throughout the thread, EVERYONE is telling you that you are.
Re-read the quoted reply .... you have an issue ... you are overreacting but you are not taking good advice from posters onboard ...

If you carry on as you describe, expect your marching orders later I'd say ... 'cause you do come across as needy ...

She is on holidays with friends. She's not dying in a ditch on her own - she is part of a group.
She's just enjoying herself, which you can do while thinking about your bf but not necessarily be in touch with him as often .... (lack of time, cost constraints ....)

Unless you are eaten up by jealousy ??? She is away and you are not ? She is away but never asked you if you wanted to tag along ?

Meauldsegosha

confused 1 wrote: »

I'm not bothered about the texts as much I'm bothered that she couldn't bothered want to talk to me while out. When I'm out I still think of her and drop her a msg.

She is away on holidays. Will you give the girl a break. The neediness coming from your posts is frightening. You really need to examine your own behaviour and not hers. Are you always like this in relationships?

confused 1 wrote: »

I have already said to get that we need to talk when she is back. I'm not going to stay a relationship where i don't feel wanted or that my needs aren't important, no future in not being happy.

I reiterate what I said in my previous post. You are way too intense for someone who is dating for three months. She is away on holidays are you giving her the whole " we need to talk" line. Don't be surprised if she tells you goodbye when she comes home.

LegacyUser

The poor girl is in contact at 5pm saying she's going out for dinner and the OP is upset because she didn't answer a demand for an update at 8pm?

OP, grow up. You WILL lose this girl. Nobody needs to be stifled and answerable as you are demanding.

maria34

You remind me of my ex. Controlling and when i didnt answer during night out, he freaked out. After 6 months blaming and calling names started.

I suggest you just let her breathe. Because if you keep going, she is gone. I was in love with me ex but he killed my feelings and i just dumped him.

Penny Tration

Yup, you're being entirely unreasonable.

My bf and I text a good bit during the day. If I'm on a night out, I'll drop him a text if I want to. When he's on a night out, I hear nothing til the next afternoon, because he's having fun! That doesn't bother me, and it's very worrying that it bothers you so much that you send her a snotty text.

Aside from that, she's on holiday! Your normal routine won't happen because it's not a normal week! She's away, trying to have fun. It doesn't mean she doesn't miss you. With the amount of demanding texts you've sent, I doubt she misses you much now, though. I'm going to France next month for a few nights and told my bf I'll make sure to get credit before I go, so I can text him. He told me not to bother, to go enjoy myself and text him once I'm home and have had a chance to unpack.

That's how it should be.

Wanting to feel wanted isn't needy. But you don't want to feel wanted. You want to be her only thought while she's away, which is completely out of order.

Brego888

This is all such immature behaviour on your part op. For the good of relationship take the advice from here on board and take a step back and look at the situation objectively with your own emotion removed. You are completely overreacting and you'll end up smothering here.

TJ Mackie

Have to agree with the general consensus here. Even I was bloody pissed off every time you mentioned "so I sent her another text..." in your OP. Worst part is that it's obvious from your first post that you're not even texting her to see if she's having a good time and because you miss her, it's because you don't trust her and want to keep tabs on her.

Norma_Desmond

I was on holidays a couple of months ago and I would only text my boyfriend once a day, just to let him know I was still alive. None of this having to inform him when I left the restaurant or what I'm doing at the exact moment. He was just happy to know I was having a good time. Plus he always waited until I text him first as he ddn't want to be interrupting anything.
As for texting on a night out, well we live together so we would know when the other got home but we would always say that we didn't want the other person sitting on a night out texting the other, thats not much fun.
Just let her enjoy her holiday OP.

Zen65

confused 1 wrote: »

I find the grow up comments strange, I happen to want to feel wanted a partner...you might call it needy but it's normal to me.

There is a vast difference between wanting to feel wanted by your partner, and wanting validation several times a day. It may be normal to you, but it's very draining on your partner and may ultimately destroy this relationship.

When people tell you to 'grow up' they really mean stop looking for validation so often.

CaraMay

Op I just read your most recent comments and find them truly creepy. If she were my friend/ sister, I would be telling her to run and never look back.

Your neediness is at a level which isn't normal and your overreactions are frankly frightening in such a new relationship. You are probably really only 'an item' for 6 weeks yet you are already trying to control her while on holidays.

You said it's not a trust issue yet in your first post you said she could be in a ditch or off with another fella?....

You also say you don't sleep that night and she wasn't answering her phone. So we're you calling her all night when she didn't reply to your text?

Do you have a history of this kind of unhealthy behaviour in other relationships?

As for requesting 'a chat' when she gets home... Well I hope she is the one chatting to you.

Stavro Mueller

If she's abroad she's not going to want to be sending loads of texts or making calls because of the roaming charges. If she has a smartphone she won't be using messaging apps unless she can access wifi.

Are you really so insecure that you can't cope with not receiving a few texts? Frankly you sound controlling, needy and even a little bit creepy. Why this need for constant reassurance? If you were a little kid who wanted his mammy I'd understand. Not when you're a grown man.

My girlfriend is away on holidays abroad in June for a week - the conversation about how we'd talk came up and I actually told her that I'd prefer if we didn't talk as much during it, because then she'd have more time to actually enjoy her holiday. That's the purpose of it, yknow, to actually enjoy your holiday.

Calm the hell down. You're coming off as increasingly needy! We've probably all had those moments in our lives; I know I had, but the majority of us have grown up since then. And now it's your turn, otherwise you really won't have a girlfriend when she comes back.

FFS. She went out to dinner at 5 and you texted at 8, got mad when she didn't reply, and kept texting. Be honest, did you become increasingly needy and increasingly aggressive in your messages as the night progressed? You kinda seem like the type that would do that to be honest - at least that's what I'm getting from your OP and your other posts.

You have pretty bad trust and need issues, which you really need to try and sort out.

dellas1979

No idea what ages you both are (young I would say?).

But there is definitely something a little deeper going on on your side, to do with trusting her (she wasnt just lying in a ditch, according to you she could have been off with another fella also). So, will you at least acknowledge that it wasnt out of concern that you were contacting her, it was to know what she was up to (keeping tabs as another poster said).

I understand its only 3 months, so trust needs to be built up, but you are already frazzled from it. That aint good. The bar is set now.

I would advise you to maybe take a bit of space (for yourself) and look at why you have reacted the way you have. Do you have trust issues, in general?

vitani

You remind me of my friend's ex - a group of us went away on holiday and she had to text him when she got back every night or else he'd get mad. One night we ended up staying out all night - as you do on holidays. When she texted him the next morning to say she got back safely, all hell broke loose.

I'm saying this because after seeing his reaction, the rest of us felt my friend should break up with him. Be in no doubt that if you're hassling your gf while she's away with neediness and ridiculous demands, her friends won't be long in telling her how unreasonable you're being.

Rather than feeling like the injured party here, sit down and really think about your behaviour over the past week. Then, if you want to stay in this relationship, prepare a grovelling apology for acting like you have.

Stavro Mueller

The way you're going on, you'd swear that you've never been on a night out with your friends, let alone a holiday with them. Are you seriously suggesting that your girlfriend should be constantly checking her phone when she's out with her friends, watching out for your texts?

The talk of her lying dead in a ditch is utter nonsense. She's with her friends so even if something did happen, she has people to look after her. If something did happen, you'd hear. Oh, and don't assume that goodnight texts mean anything. For all you know she's boinking half her home town when she's here in Ireland but takes a few moments out to send you a text to make you think she's tucked up in bed with nothing more than a hot water bottle.

Either you trust her or you don't. It sounds like you don't. Have you always been this needy?

retro:electro

There hasn't been one post in the OPs favour on this thread but something tells me he still won't think he is unreasonable. He was just looking for validation from us, which he never got.

tinkerbell

Oh for goodness sake, OP. Yes you are overreacting and yes you are being completely unreasonable!! Good grief, you have been going out for 3 months and you are acting like an obsessed maniac with this constant texting. It'd be different if you were in a serious long term relationship or were married and had agreed to keep in contact regularly but this is not the case here.

You are trying to completely ruin your girlfriend's holiday. I'd completely expect her to dump you on your return - you are being completely immature and extremely controlling.

There is NO POINT being with someone who you do not trust. Clearly you do not trust your girlfriend as one of the first things you think of when she hasn't text you back within your idea of a reasonable timeframe is that she's off with some bloke. So either you cop onto yourself and grow up or if you can't do that by yourself, go speak to someone about your issue because is is not normal behaviour.

LegacyUser

Honestly, WOW..

All I can say is I totally agree with everyone here 1 million percent.

If I was your gf I would be coming home to tell you to jog on.

Semele

Obviously there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted in a relationship...but you shouldn't have to get a text multiple times a day to make you feel this! Is your level of security and happiness so low that it needs a top-up very few hours? I can't stand pointless texting myself- I text to pass on important information, or if there's a funny story/bit of gossipy news worth sharing, but I go mad if I'm dating someone who does the checking-in style lovey-dovey texts just for the sake of it. Hearing that someone is thinking of you is a lovely thing, and it's best when it comes unexpectedly. When someone says it multiple times a day it loses it's significance.


Also OP, you've been seeing this girl for only 3 months and you can't handle the tiniest, temporary change in your relationship?! Relationships change and develop as life circumstances do- are you going to freak out every time?

Something that other people haven't picked up on is the fact that this girl drunkenly kissed someone at the early stages of their relationship, so she isn't a saint either.

m'lady

Yes you are totally overreacting and acting very insecure- I'd run a mile from a guy like you- I just couldn't hack it- especially the fact that it's only a new relationship.

To give you some perspective, I went away on holidays without my other half and apart from a few messages and maybe 1/2 calls to wish him a happy birthday that was it! He knew I was on a break and didn't want to be hanging out of my phone all week- it also didn't need to be spelled out to him.

CaraMay

Deleted User wrote: »

Something that other people haven't picked up on is the fact that this girl drunkenly kissed someone at the early stages of their relationship, so she isn't a saint either.

I picked up on it but he chose to stay with her after he found out so that's ancient history.

Meauldsegosha

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Something that other people haven't picked up on is the fact that this girl drunkenly kissed someone at the early stages of their relationship, so she isn't a saint either.

Yes she has made mistakes as well but if the OP is going to use that to make her keep in constant contact with him it will eventually push her away. He made the choice to stay with her after he found so he can't hold it over her.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, the one thing that you should really realise that now instead of your gf looking forward to coming home and seeing you again, feeling excited etc.. she will have been dreading it the whole flight home. "We need to talk when you get back" is not something people want to hear when they are away, and effectively haven't done anything wrong.

Have you ever been on a skiing holiday? It's not sitting around lounging by the pool all day reading a book. You're up early. Meet your group. Up the slopes.. down again.. back up. Moving around a lot. She may not even have had her phone on her. It could be in a bag in a locker somewhere.

She has gone on holidays and looked after herself for many years before you came along, and has managed to not end up "dead in a ditch" on every single occassion. Don't try fool us, yourself or her that you were texting out of concern for her well being. You have said you want to feel wanted, and feel that while she was away she forgot about you.. etc. That's not concern for her. That's feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't know what time she is due back in, but I can guarantee she will not be excited to see you... You've ruined the holiday and ruined her return home.

Although I expect you still don't see it that way.

rainbowtrout

confused 1 wrote: »

Hey OP here.

I'm not bothered about the texts as much I'm bothered that she couldn't bothered want to talk to me while out. When I'm out I still think of her and drop her a msg. If I knew that she felt bad when i didn't contact her all night i would definitely make the effort.

I find the grow up comments strange, I happen to want to feel wanted a partner...you might call it needy but it's normal to me. As for why you think she needs to grow up??

I have already said to get that we need to talk when she is back. I'm not going to stay a relationship where i don't feel wanted or that my needs aren't important, no future in not being happy.

I contact her because i want to, I want her to know that I'm thinking of her. Normally we send each other texts all the time, throughout the day. These two days are just completely different than our normal routine...and it upsets me.
It's not a trust issue, I don't honestly think she is off at something, I'm just hurt and angry that she doesn't want to contact me herself and couldn't be bothered sending one when she knows expecting it.


Cheers for comments.

I agree with all of the other posters. You come across as incredibly needy and suffocating and I wouldn't be too surprised if she is the one to call it off when she comes home. I couldn't stick someone checking up on me like that and expecting me to check in on the hour when I was away.

Aside from all of that OP, look at the bit I've highlighted above. Why would she spend the evening texting you? She has gone on holidays with friends. She is in their company and presumably wants to socialise with them, not sit in the corner of the pub ignoring them while she texts you. It's incredibly rude to go out for the evening with people and then ignore them while spending the evening texting. Given that your girlfriend has gone away for a week with these people she is not going to be rude and spend the week glued to her phone.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the comments
To clarify a few points, I wasn't looking for constant texts, and i didn't send her constant texts, I expected a single msg as she knows I worry about her. I don't know any of the other people there yet, so wouldn't know if something had happened. Also she has a history of wandering home on her own and has twice been assaulted, one time attempted kidnap where she was forced into a car.
When you are used to always getting a goodnight msg complete silence for 16 hours is worrying, for me anyway.

Again, I wasn't looking for a conversation, I'm fully aware she is holiday with mates and I've been skiing loads, I know the score there. I don't think a single text to let me know she is going back to the bar with no reception is demanding, I'd say grand and head off to bed.
There is a nice assumption that I was checking up on her and not interested in how she was doing, thanks for that but you are way off there. I do trust her and am interested in her day. The last time she went off radar for the night she kissed someone else, maybe I'm over sensitive about it still, hardly a crime, i only found out three weeks ago.

Anyway it seems assumptions are the name of the game here and I've been castigated with made up facts about me used as proof. Ive taken on board some of the reasonable comments/feedback but a lot of the advice is just ranting on imagined things I've done, so not very valuable. I want to talk to her about expectations, a good point was made about independence earlier and I think it's worth following up on, maybe a relationship or at least this one isn't right for her.

Thanks for any other constructive feedback.

IrishEyes19

confused 1 wrote: »

Thanks again for the comments
To clarify a few points, I wasn't looking for constant texts, and i didn't send her constant texts, I expected a single msg as she knows I worry about her. I don't know any of the other people there yet, so wouldn't know if something had happened. Also she has a history of wandering home on her own and has twice been assaulted, one time attempted kidnap where she was forced into a car.
When you are used to always getting a goodnight msg complete silence for 16 hours is worrying, for me anyway.

Again, I wasn't looking for a conversation, I'm fully aware she is holiday with mates and I've been skiing loads, I know the score there. I don't think a single text to let me know she is going back to the bar with no reception is demanding, I'd say grand and head off to bed.
There is a nice assumption that I was checking up on her and not interested in how she was doing, thanks for that but you are way off there. I do trust her and am interested in her day. The last time she went off radar for the night she kissed someone else, maybe I'm over sensitive about it still, hardly a crime, i only found out three weeks ago.

Anyway it seems assumptions are the name of the game here and I've been castigated with made up facts about me used as proof. Ive taken on board some of the reasonable comments/feedback but a lot of the advice is just ranting on imagined things I've done, so not very valuable. I want to talk to her about expectations, a good point was made about independence earlier and I think it's worth following up on, maybe a relationship or at least this one isn't right for her.

Thanks for any other constructive feedback.

But she knows her friends, so whats the problem here, you are barely with this girl, she is with a group of friends who will hardly let her walk off alone if they are in the same area together, skiing. You need to back off, you dont know her well enough to be so needy. I also believe the issue of her not staying with someone longer than three months means more to you, than it does her. I think its worrying you. Furthermore the chauffeur thing in the airport is very OTT in my opinion. Lovely for an engagement idea or birthday treat, but after three months just to pick her up from the airport would be enough. treat her to lunch on the way back maybe.

You dont have the right to be so worried in this way, its completely over the top. Accept that!

Penny Tration

We can only offer opinions based on what you tell us, mate. You didn't mention assaults or abduction before now, so if we don't have the full context, we can't give great advice.

Tbh, i still think most of the advice here stands. You have sent her a LOT of texts based on what you've said. Too many, to be precise. And when she didn't reply, you got snotty with her.

You said she could vbe off with somebody else. That's not caring about her day, that's not trusting her. Now, based on her essentially cheating on you, that is somewhat understandable, except that you decided to stay with her. You chose to continue the relationship. It won't work without trust.

Tbh I do think you come across as being extremely needy. If you don't want to change, that's fine, but she may be too independent for you.

Meauldsegosha

confused 1 wrote: »

Thanks again for the comments
To clarify a few points, I wasn't looking for constant texts, and i didn't send her constant texts, I expected a single msg as she knows I worry about her. I don't know any of the other people there yet, so wouldn't know if something had happened. Also she has a history of wandering home on her own and has twice been assaulted, one time attempted kidnap where she was forced into a car.
When you are used to always getting a goodnight msg complete silence for 16 hours is worrying, for me anyway.

Again, I wasn't looking for a conversation, I'm fully aware she is holiday with mates and I've been skiing loads, I know the score there. I don't think a single text to let me know she is going back to the bar with no reception is demanding, I'd say grand and head off to bed.
There is a nice assumption that I was checking up on her and not interested in how she was doing, thanks for that but you are way off there. I do trust her and am interested in her day. The last time she went off radar for the night she kissed someone else, maybe I'm over sensitive about it still, hardly a crime, i only found out three weeks ago.

Anyway it seems assumptions are the name of the game here and I've been castigated with made up facts about me used as proof. Ive taken on board some of the reasonable comments/feedback but a lot of the advice is just ranting on imagined things I've done, so not very valuable. I want to talk to her about expectations, a good point was made about independence earlier and I think it's worth following up on, maybe a relationship or at least this one isn't right for her.

Thanks for any other constructive feedback.

OP the title of your thread is "am I overreacting/unreasonable" and there is almost unanimous agreement that you are. But you seem to be ignoring that fact and think that we are all making assumptions. We are responding to the information you gave in your posts. Did you just want people to validate your perception that your girlfriend was wrong? I stand by what I said in my first post you are too intense and OTT for a three month relationship.

As for the part in bold, you are putting the blame on the relationship possibly failing on her. When in reality it is your actions that will be to blame. I don't think you will admit that though.

vitani

confused 1 wrote: »

Anyway it seems assumptions are the name of the game here and I've been castigated with made up facts about me used as proof. Ive taken on board some of the reasonable comments/feedback but a lot of the advice is just ranting on imagined things I've done, so not very valuable. I want to talk to her about expectations, a good point was made about independence earlier and I think it's worth following up on, maybe a relationship or at least this one isn't right for her.

Honestly, I really don't think you have. You're still trying to defend your POV, despite the fact that nearly every single person who's posted on this thread disagrees.

Even if something had happened to her, what could you do from here that the friends she's with couldn't?

Your gf shouldn't have to answer to you. You're not her keeper and it's not your responsibility to make sure she gets home safely every night. You can dress it up as you just caring about her as much as you like, but to people looking in, it sounds controlling and unreasonable.

LegacyUser

Yeah she knows her friends, I'm still going to worry if I suddenly don't hear from her for an extended period of time, when every other night I did hear from her.

I didn't send her a number texts, I sent one around 8 to see if she did meet with the others and one more saying goodnight. If that's excessive then I have to disagree...
I do trust her, but hard not for my mind to wander when scenario follows the same one as the last time when she went off.

To say the chauffeur thing is ott I find very strange, I thought was a nice gesture, i just had a little card with her name on it for a joke...any chance you have decided I'm needy and desperate so all your onions are somewhat colored?

Chara1001

I have an ex who could have written your op, almost word for word.

OP, I get why you're worried about her safety- but she's not on her own or wandering home alone. She's with a group of friends, now you not knowing them has no bearing on anything, to be honest I think that you're using the safety issue as an excuse.
I agree you need to have a chat about expectations. But if hers don't match yours, you either need to respect the difference or go meet someone who feels the same as you.
If she's not already fully aware of the type of relationship you want (how are you at compromising?), she needs to be told, so she can agree or not.
Regarding the cheating, again I get your worries about it- you need to talk about that too- but don't forget you agreed to go ahead anyway and you can't forgive it twice.