Girlfriend found out I had an account on dating app (rhymes with Kinder), and freaked

LegacyUser

I need to get a few opinions here as myself and the gf aren't having a great week at all, and she's considering finishing things.

Essentially:

- Monday night she gets a call from an old school friend who she's sees every now and then. This girl is ringing her to inform her that she has just seen my profile on this app. She has screen shots of my profile photo and the other photos (4 others I think).
- I get home and she confronts me saying she just got a call about the above, and that she thought I no longer had an account (we spoke about a coupel she knows who got together through it about 6 weeks ago, I mentioned I installed it briefly months back and was off it a day or so later)
- I tell her the following, which is exactly how it is:

I can't really explain why I installed it again. I guess out of pure boredom, mates talking about it, curiosity etc. No real thought went into it at the time.

I logged in for about 2 mins one evening, about a minute the following day, and a minute or so the next, then uninstalled.

While logged in over this period, not once did I hit the 'like' to try to match up with any other women, hence I never engaged in any form of dialogue with any other women. I'd say in the combined 4-5 mins I was on it over those 2-3 days, I saw about 40-50 faces. FACES, not any other part of the body. I'm trying to convince her I was on it for a few minutes, but not actually using the app for its designed purposes, which is essentially to get in touch with other people and get dates and so on.

Also......my profile/main photo was of me AND her in the shot. If I was making an effort on a dating site, why in the name of JESUS would I have a photo with me cuddled up with my gf? Other photos have her in them too apparently (I didn't even select these - it's an automatic feature and it pulls 5 prominent pics from your FB account).

I told her this and she is struggling to come to terms with why I was on it in the first place and so on. Again, I tell her repeatedly that no thought process was involved, and that I regularly install/uninstall apps quite a bit to kill some spare time if I have some.

We've been living together around 6 months and the past few days have been horrible. Even this afternoon she came home early from work and again we spoke about all the same things and she still feels so hurt etc and thinks it might be too late to save the relationship. I've apologised to her numerous times stating how I feel about her (crazy about the girl and have no interest in other women), and that nothing like this will happen again. She has actually said that she doesn't believe I was on it to hook up with women........yet she can react like this because I've looked at 'faces' of single Irish women???

Personally I think she has overreacted massively to this, and this has in turn made me pretty frustrated about the whole thing (this is a theme - I do something, she gets mad, I get mad because of her ability to get mad over things I would never get upset over etc).

Monday night she learned about all the facts, and again on Tuesday and again on Wednesday and Thursday. It's Friday now and we've made little progress and it's getting more unbearable. I've told her if she doesn't believe my story that we may as well finish things as she seems to be coming to terms with me installing the bloody thing. I also said if we are capable of having a week-long fight over this then there may be much bigger topics in life that we might struggle to get over in the future.

Again, I realise I should not have been on this thing in the first place, but I logged in with little or no thought. It's just infuriating that a 5 second install of an social app has led to this, not to mention the busy-body 'friend' who made it her business to call her about it in the first place with her screenshots (watching too much CSI Miami or Desperate House Wives I'd imagine).

Thoughts?

Tokyo

You're in a committed relationship. And you have an account on a dating site. And you were busted by your girlfriend's friend. These are the three important facts here.

I actually believe you when you say that there wasn't really a thought process involved, that you just signed up out of curiosity. I don't believe that there was zero motivation - I'm sure you had a reasonable look at what was available on the site. You were window shopping - look, but don't touch - and that's fine. It's a fallacy that people stop appreciating others once they settle down, there isn't a person here in a relationship that hasn't looked another person and appreciated that they were pretty/handsome. It's human nature. However, most of us just aren't as blatant as to sign up on a singles dating site to do it.

The big problem I see here now is how you are responding to all this. Sure, you say that you apologised to your girlfriend, and I believe you to a point, but from what you have posted alone, you are 100% on the defensive. Your girlfriend is completely overreacting, and you have done nothing wrong. Your girlfriend's friend is a nosy cow for getting stuck into this in the first place. I used a pic with her in it so OBVIOUSLY I'm not interested in someone else, etc, etc. I imagine that the apology to your girlfriend was along the lines of "I'm sorry about what happened, BUT <insert defensive statement here>" THIS is why she doesn't believe you.

Her saying that the relationship may not be salvageable might be a bit of overstatement on her part. But you have been living together for six months, so I assume you have been seeing each other for quite a bit longer, so she certainly has the right to be pissed off with you. And she has the right to expect you to own up to being in the wrong, rather than trying to find loopholes, or diminish what she is feeling.

Stavro Mueller

I'd not be blaming the friend here. I think if I saw a friend's OH's photo on a dating site I'd be strongly considering telling them too. Can you even prove you've not used Tinder? (Sorry, I barely understand what it is, let alone understand how it works).

At this stage you're better off letting her blow off steam. Don't even try to defend or make excuses for what you did. She probably has her friends in her ear too so it's early days. I don't believe there is anything else you can do to prove your relative innocence in this. You've got to understand that as well as breaking her trust you've humiliated her in front of her friends. That's a lot to come to terms with.

Czarcasm

OP what you did was daft, but when I do something daft, I take responsibility for my behaviour and take the flak for it instead of constantly trying to justify and play down my behaviour. Your behaviour after the fact is what's blown this issue out of all proportion and I'd imagine that's what has your girlfriend more upset than your initial daftness.

CaraMay

If you had no real interest why would you put up photos?

She isn't over reacting.

LegacyUser

Sorry, I should have mentioned, since the subject was brought up on Monday I've completely admitted that it's the kind of thing I shouldn't be on and have promised not to go near such again. Have no intention of doing so. I actually had the app uninstalled from my phone before all this came to a head, I didn't have any plans of using it again.

I've used terms such as stupid, thoughtless etc and completely understand how she reacted initially.

I think the reason why I've gone on the defensive since is because of the week long reaction. I gave her every fact early doors and each day since she's mulled over the same stuff. It's the kind of reaction I'd expect if I had engaged with her friend in conversation or was caught out trying to arrange something.

I can understand a friend also looking out for their mates. If I saw a mates girlfriend on something like that, I'd maybe do a bit of research before contact one of them. Not go straight to the mothership where it can only end in pain without finding out how/why an account was setup and to what extent it has been used, if even used at all. Like I said, I had hoped the fact I had her in my main profile pic would have eased things as it's obviously not the kind of thing I'd have up if I had ulterior motives. The app picked the pics and I didn't edit a thing so no effort was put in to 'spice up' my profile. Her friend had proof of this.

Maybe another day or so is needed just not talking about it before it blows over, we'll see.

Magicmatilda

I have been in this situation. We broke up over it. You are in a relationship and when in a relationship you do not create profiles on dating websites. I would break up with you. The fact that you think she is over reacting is worrying. How would you react if the tables were turned? Would you be ok with it? Maybe you would but that would indicate that you have different standards in a relationship. You don't seen to have any concept of how hurt she is. I think you are minimising the situation to be honest. Obviousely my own judgement in this is a bit clouded but I don't know many girls that would be ok with it.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

If you had no real interest why would you put up photos?

I'll give you a very brief rundown on how the program works. You install the app (this took me about 6 seconds), you then sign in via your FB details (this takes about 4 seconds). The app automatically pulls 5 prominent photos from your FB library.

In 10 seconds I was online. If I had to sit through a 15-20 minute application process / upload photos manually, then I never would have been in this position.

Like I said, I was at a loose end for a bit over the weekend and said I'd have a quick look. I install/uninstall apps on a regular basis once I have a quick look and see no further use.


To MagicMatilda......fair enough you decided to break up over this. We are both very different then. I would be pretty disappointed to end a great 2.5 year relationship because of logging into a dating app for 3-4 mins, not engaging in any form of flirtation/contact/sexual act. We certainly do have different values.

I'm the kind of person who likes to think about events logically, if possible, after they have happened. Yes, I'd be pretty p1ssed upon learning it. I'd then sit her down and ask what was going on. Has she contacted others, is she happy etc etc. After all that, I'd make my decision upon the facts. I wouldn't terminate upon finding out she logged into an app a few times.

homerjay2005

DDrama wrote: »

I also said if we are capable of having a week-long fight over this then there may be much bigger topics in life that we might struggle to get over in the future.
Thoughts?

this is the first thing that entered my mind when i was reading through. she seems like a total drama queen and somebody that will judge you for the rest of her life.

she is thriving off making you feel guitly and grovelling and thats the actions of a 15 year old girl. you need to stand firm and not take the blame, if what you said is correct then you aint done alot wrong and she is being totally unreasonable now. it isnt her time of the month by any chance is it? maybe if it is, she will see sense next week and all will be ok.

as for the ***** that rang her, she doesnt need trouble making friends like that....

Stavro Mueller

Yes but you also knew Tinder was a dating app..and if you've used Facebook at all you'll know that if you let an app have your details, give it permissions etc. you lose a certain amount of control over what happens next. It's one thing to admire people discreetly. Quite another to be proactive and sign up for dating sites and use apps like these. That implies something more than just looking at the menu if you know what I mean.

Chara1001

I know an engaged couple who split over this exact thing

Your downloading the app implies quite a bit op- as innocently as you claim it was
1. you're keeping your eye out
2. Although you have only used the app for window shopping- it suggests you're open to the idea
3. You haven't met anyone on it, but what happens if you see someone that really catches your eye- will you converse with them?
4. If you chat to them, (innocently of course as they can see your gf in your photos), what happens if you get on really well?
5. There's nothing wrong with meeting someone you get on really well with- as long as it's platonic, remember your gf is in your photos, so this girl you're meeting knows that.
6, 7, 8, etc.................

I'm not suggesting any of the above is factual- but they could be scenarios she's worrying about now.

You've opened a can of worms op. Even though you think your gf needs to accept what you say at face value, you've dumped a whole load of uncertainties on her that she didn't have before. Don't give her any time limits and don't be angry with her either. This has come out of the blue and she needs time to address all these thought processes that she didn't need to worry about till now.

I'm afraid you don't get to choose what the 'bigger topics' to fight over are. If she did something to hurt you and you judged it to be a 'bigger topic', she would have to do exactly the same thing out of respect for you. But she's hurt now. By this.
I also think need to tone your rationalizations down- and not to blame the friend for telling her, she's done nothing wrong

faceman

Sorry to hear you're having problems OP. If it's any consolation, you're only human. Humans make mistakes. You're not a criminal and you don't deserve 40 lashes

You made a mistake, got caught out and your gf is rightly annoyed. I know of the app but I've never used it. Does it have a "last logged in" feature on a user's profile?

Have you ever been in a bar with friends and you see a hot girl(s) and you check them out? I'm sure you have. As has your gf. Fortunately it's not logged on an app though so it's not a big deal.

It does sound like your other half is over reacting but she is understandably hurt. You've been honest with her so the ball is now in her court. She may need time to deal with it so give her that. We don't know her side of the story or anything about you and her so we can't comment on the 'why' here.

Hopefully you get it all sorted. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Spizza

Chara1001 wrote: »

I know an engaged couple who split over this exact thing

Your downloading the app implies quite a bit op- as innocently as you claim it was
1. you're keeping your eye out
2. Although you have only used the app for window shopping- it suggests you're open to the idea
3. You haven't met anyone on it, but what happens if you see someone that really catches your eye- will you converse with them?
4. If you chat to them, (innocently of course as they can see your gf in your photos), what happens if you get on really well?
5. There's nothing wrong with meeting someone you get on really well with- as long as it's platonic, remember your gf is in your photos, so this girl you're meeting knows that.
6, 7, 8, etc.................

I'm not suggesting any of the above is factual- but they could be scenarios she's worrying about now.

You've opened a can of worms op. Even though you think your gf needs to accept what you say at face value, you've dumped a whole load of uncertainties on her that she didn't have before. Don't give her any time limits and don't be angry with her either. This has come out of the blue and she needs time to address all these thought processes that she didn't need to worry about till now.

I'm afraid you don't get to choose what the 'bigger topics' to fight over are. If she did something to hurt you and you judged it to be a 'bigger topic', she would have to do exactly the same thing out of respect for you. But she's hurt now. By this.
I also think need to tone your rationalizations down- and not to blame the friend for telling her, she's done nothing wrong

What's wrong with keeping your eye out?

You can see someone you want, break up and then ask them out.

Chara1001

You're right Spizza, you can.
I'm not gonna go into reasons why it might not be a good idea to keep your eye out on dating apps when you're in a relationship, as I don't think you're the op.
Go and ask a grown up why

beks101

Right, so you're a logical-brained man. So rationalize this: you signed up for a dating site which has the expressed intention of enabling people to hook up quickly & conveniently, and you're in a relationship.

I repeat: you signed up to a dating site. While in a relationship. What conclusion was your girlfriend, or her friend, supposed to come to? What "research" was her mate supposed to do before contacting your girlfriend? Drop you a line and ask you if you were writing a thesis on dating apps? Presume you & your gf are in the market for a threesome?

Seriously OP, don't insult your gf's intelligence. Whether it took you 2 seconds or 2 hours to sign up, the expressed intention to cast an eye out was there, and now you're digging a hole for yourself by using that old cliched chestnut that every cheater in the book has used about it only being a laugh, it meant nothing to you yada yada

Hold your hands up and tell your gf you made a retarded mistake, are appalled at yourself and don't want to lose someone you love to pieces over a glaring immaturity and irresponsibility on your part. And grow the hell up.

Stavro Mueller

Because of what you did, you've sent your girlfriend back to the drawing board to have a think about the sort of person you are. She thought she was in a committed relationship with a trustworthy guy. Next thing she gets that phone call...

Your attitude isn't helping - it's coming through in your posts by the way. The more you open your mouth to defend yourself and blame her for over-reacting, the worse you're making it. It's easy for you to be very cold and analytical about this because you're the wrongdoer, not the wronged person. Human nature isn't like this - some people hurt more easily than others, some people are more logical than others. The icing on the cake is your observation that if she's capable of keeping this row going for a week, that it doesn't bode well. Well I'm sorry but this isn't a spat over who cleans the bathroom or an annoying in-law. It's to do with one of the fundamental bedrocks in your relationship - trust.

iPink

To all the people saying that is the same thing as noticing a hot man or woman in a bar or on the street... it's a TOTALLY different scenario. .. by signing up to a dating site you are advertising yourself as available too... looking at a good-looking person in tesco or wherever you are just looking!!
As long as you aren't gaping, drooling or actively 'giving them the eye' then it isn't ENGAGING with them, which being on a dating site or app is!
If you are in a committed relationship then you have NO BUSINESS on a dating site. .. full stop!!
IMO there is no defense or excuse. .. if you are bored or whatever there are literally hundreds of thousands of other app you could have checked out other than an app you were fully aware was a hook up/dating app!!
This is not the same as clicking a link by accident on the laptop... you actively installed this app to check out other girls... if you got scared & uninstalled it quickly doesn't make any difference IMO... The fact is that you installed it in the first place!
also I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe you were only on it for a matter of seconds as your gf's friend had a chance to find you on it. .. I'm pretty sure she doesn't spend her time waiting to catch you out!!

Am I right in understanding that this isn't the first time this had happened either? I am typing on my fone so can't go back & check your OP but think you said you'd been on one before & had promised not to again?
If that is the case then how on earth can you expect your gf to ever trust you again when you've already lied once??!

The fact that your GF was in the foto doesn't really mean much either... I used to be on dating sites & there were plenty of guys with girls in their pics... They would contact you & you'd be like 'yeah right. .. i can see you have a gf... She's in your pic!' They would always come up with some excuse- it's my sister/cousin/ex (only foto i could find!) Etc etc
Some would even be totally explicit that they were in a relationship & looking for a bit on the side!!

OP you are coming across as very defensive on here & so I presume with your gf too? I would be devestated if I found out my partner was signed up to a hook up site, especially if not the 1st time & the fact he is being defensive about it & making out I'm being over-dramatic & drawing things out for too long would signal the end of the relationship to me...

Your gf has every right to feel upset by this. . It is a betrayal whether you think it is or not... interesting that you never answered a previous poster that asked how you would feel if the tables were turned & a friend of yours came to you & said they'd seen your gf on a hook-up site?!!

Big Bag of Chips

From your posts it does come across as you saying - it meant nothing, she should accept it meant nothing, why doesn't she just move on?

She doesn't know what's what at the moment. Posters here are constantly told "a liar will only admit to what is 100% undeniable, what they have 100% been caught out on". You have been caught out on having an account, and logging into it very recently. She doesn't know how long you were logged in for. She doesn't know what you did/who you looked up/contacted while you were logged in. The fact that you set this up on your phone at all has her doubting you, so by extension she is doubting everything you say.

Can you blame her? You are telling the truth NOW. You are being honest NOW. But the damage has been done, and she now hasn't a clue what is truth and what is you just covering your back. Can you not see that?

You would be much better served by just admitting to her that you were an absolute idiot. No justification. No buts. No because. No mention of the "nosey friend".

But from your post I get the impression you're a bit fed up of the relationship/her in general. You're fed up with how she has reacted. You're thinking down the line is this going to be how she goes on about every little "minor thing" (as you see it). Maybe that's something to think about and consider rather than how you feel wronged by the whole situation. Yes it is frustrating to have to keep repeating yourself, but it's of your own making. If you want to keep the relationship then you do what you have to do. If you've had enough of it/her and want out... then you do what you have to do!

littleblackDRS

I think the OP is getting defensive because he's had to explain himself over and over again for the past week. I think he knows he shouldn't have been on it, has explain that, has apologized, then has to go through the same thing the next day. It's understandable that he's getting frustrated after a week of repeating himself.

I think your girlfriend is making it worse for herself by stewing in it, and not moving forward. If she's had to have the information repeated to her at least 5 times since Monday, you can assume she's not actually doing anything with the information, she just wants to keep dragging it up. She's frustrating you, and making it worse for herself.

Catphish

Going to the bother of downloading an app for a dating site then this

CaraMay wrote: »

If you had no real interest why would you put up photos?

So no op, I'm not buying it. I'm not at all surprised to hear she is acting the way she is, because what you've done is not the actions of someone who is in a committed relationship. Yes, people can appreciate an attractive passerby, someone at work etc., but it's how you act beyond it that speaks volumes.

Stop treating her like she is the one over reacting and own up to your stupid mistake before you lose her. You've some serious sucking up to do if you want to hold onto this girl, because if someone I was in a relationship with did that to me they'd be dropped like a hot potato. Whether you'd like to admit it or not you were window shopping.

missjm

Having recently downloaded this app myself (I'm single), I don't buy what you're saying OP. It's not something you sign up for 'out of curiosity' when in a relationship unless you have a genuine interest in it.
I don't particularly like the app as it is full of attached men looking for 'no strings fun' - perhaps your girlfriend know this also hence her reaction.

Lux23

I actually did the same thing as the OP, I like seeing how geo location aps work. I did however, mention it to my boyfriend because I knew several of his friends could have seen me on it. I had it on my phone for about 30 minutes and deleted once my curiosity was fulfilled.

GenieOz

Downloading a dating app while in a relationship and not telling your girlfriend about it, it only coming to light when her friend informs her..


And you think she's overreacting?

Sometimes you just have to stand up and admit you did something incredibly stupid and stop trying to defend your actions, there is no defence, 'curiousity' doesn't cut it. Neither does "I only spent 5 minutes on it" the fact is you didn't tell your girlfriend about it and if it was as innocent as you claim it was then you would have.

Hannibal Smith

Ive never been on a dating site. Im married and have been with my husband nearly 20 years and it would never even occur to me to sign up to a dating site. 90% of the reason would be because I have no interest/need and 10% of the reason is...what if I did. ..even with all the innocence in the world of just being curious to see what a site is like...how would I even begin explaining it to the other half?

You are in the wrong for clicking in to the site. It doesn't matter what your reasons or justifications are...it really doesn't look good.

You say your girlfriend gets 'like this'. Is it because there's a stand off and you can't admit when you're wrong. ..or is it down to how she handles arguments.

If it's genuinely how she handles arguments i can imagine that must be some head wreck. ..so when this blows over you might tell her that its not on.

But apologise. ..explain you understand how it looks but there's nothing dodgy to it and you need to move on now.

Fair play to the mate though she did exactly what a mate should do.

Mighty_Mouse

Just to go against the flow here. Intention is important.
Rating members of the opposite sex is normal. It's just human.
It strikes me that Tinder is the same thing.

However, if he had engaged in Tinder conversations, hid the fact that he was in a committed relationship, it's a different ball game. This guy was never going to cheat, surely that's important.

LegacyUser

Op here again.

Just to make things clear if I have not already:

- I have admitted that I was a complete idiot for installing it in the first place. I've apologised for it and told her it will never happen again.
-I've told her that I completely understand why she felt hurt upon finding out, and in the manor that she did.
- I've told her I've no intention of hooking up / chatting with other women, can see me spending the rest of my life with her
- She said from day 1 that she doesn't actually feel like I was on it to hookup with people.
- I've told her I'm happy and still very much in love with her.



I've told her each of the above several times, every night since this has happened. I've just done it all again in the past hour. She was away with a planned trip with friends last night and seemed to be coming around Friday night / Sat morning and I dropped her off for the bus etc. She even used the term 'babe' while asking what direction I was taking to get to the bus.

I sent her a text a few hours after dropping her off to the extent of the above bullet points. She said 'thanks Mr, have a nice weekend.

24 hours later and she's an ice queen again. She seems bothered that I met a mate for a few beers last night (the same mate is going through a tough time as his wife had an affair in recent months). whom I haven't had a proper chat to in ages. I mentioned that she seemed to be coming around yesterday, so why so cold again tonight and she said that me going out has added to it. I'd say she'd be happier if I stayed in alone on a Saturday night crying my eyes out.

She has just said she's pretty much made up her mind and is going to move out throughout the week.

Again, I FULLY understand how/why she feels hurt........but to break up a relationship because I logged into a computer program that I shouldn't have been on just baffles me. I'm beginning to think this might actually be for the best. The thoughts of it ended are pretty crushing because I love the girl to bits, and for the most part the relationship is fantastic.

About a month back she dropped a bombshell on me while having a quiet drink (basically gave me a timeline to pop the question to her and if hse wasn't engaged by then she'd be gone), and I was p1ssed with her for doing so. Couldn't believe she did this, even though we had chatted about it before and I had an idea about what age she'd like certain things to happen etc etc.

My point about bringing up the above is: It infuriated me that she was capable of doing something like this, but I got over it after a day or two because if I kept running it through my mind I'd have cracked up.

What she has is a boyfriend who realises has made a stupid mistake, cannot be more sorry and is has no intention of making the same mistake again. If that is still enough to finish a relationship then I'm at a loss to try to comprehend things.

Standman

To be honest it sounds like you dodged a bullet. That whole thing about setting out a timeline for when she wants you to pop the question would have set alarm bells ringing if it happened to me. It sounds like her heart wasn't really in the relationship anyway if she is preparing to end it over such a small issue.

Calhoun

What she has is a boyfriend who still doesn't understand the full impact of what he was actually doing, you make it sound like it was as simple as logging onto a computer program when this is a trust issue.

It has rightly been pointed out to you that you opened a can of worms with this and yet i don't think that has sunk in at all.

I don't get your point on the engagement, it sounded like she was taking some control over the direction of the relationship. Letting you know that if you had not committed to her by a certain time she would have to move on. You have a friend who is married so i am going to assume based on average age of marriage being late in this day and age that you are late 20's early 30's. By giving you a time-limit she is protecting herself as when it comes to kids ect she has limited time you don't.

The otherside of this coin is she could have suspected that you had commitment issues which is why she pushed the proposal thing and this whole incident with your reaction to the proposal has possibly made her think that you don't plan on staying around.

This could be a leap on my part, but you are were you are and a lady who was once ready to commit to marriage with you now wants to end it. If you really want to keep her i would suggest you find a way to let her know that you understand what you did wrong (not that your just sorry) and you try get across to her that you are trustworthy.

foggy_lad

Op I think you want out of the relationship but haven't got the balls to tell your girlfriend. You weren't thinking of her when you signed up to a cheating app and even when caught you prefer to go on the piss with a mate to stay in in or going out with her. You should probably get out of the relation now as your heart clearly is not in it.

Oryx

Based on how you've put it across here, I don't believe you either so I can see why your gf is struggling with the whole thing.

On the trip thing, I would lay bets you were a topic of conversation with someone who was on her side, this is why she went cold again. Talking about it ruffled up her wounded emotions, in a 'he's such a b'stard!' way.

The proposal issue makes me think there is more going on in her head than just the dating site though. I think she wants more from you than she is getting. More romance, more commitment, forward progression - something that isn't there for her. It would explain why she is continually picking at the dating site issue. She doesn't feel secure with you, wonders about your commitment to her.

Flippyfloppy

"DDrama wrote: »

About a month back she dropped a bombshell on me while having a quiet drink (basically gave me a timeline to pop the question to her and if hse wasn't engaged by then she'd be gone), and I was p1ssed with her for doing so. Couldn't believe she did this, even though we had chatted about it before and I had an idea about what age she'd like certain things to happen etc etc.

My point about bringing up the above is: It infuriated me that she was capable of doing something like this, but I got over it after a day or two because if I kept running it through my mind I'd have cracked up.

.

While its good that you have apologised umpteen times to her, I really don't get your point about what you call 'the bombshell'

You have discussed marriage or chatted about it before and presumably laid bare your intentions to wed one day. So now her role is to wait on you to propose. I do think if you're in a long term relationship, and marriage has been discussed she has every right to add her input. Maybe you were a bit shocked she said she'd leave but she was just being honest at the end of the day.

In your post you say you love her deeply and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, then you say breaking up may be for the best. Which is it man? It sounds like you're both washing your hands of it to some degree. And you know what, that's OK, as long as you're honest with each other about it.

CaraMay

I agree that she doesn't feel secure with you and the dating app just compounded that.

It's best for her to move on IMHO as nothing you have said would lead me to believe you really do understand her at all.

Big Bag of Chips

Posters, particularly women, are regularly told here, when they post about "waiting" for a proposal that they should talk to their partner. And if they feel they can't talk about it, and lay out their expectations that it's not a good sign for their relationship. They are told they shouldn't have to wait around, depending on someone else to make such a huge life decision for them. And if marriage and children is something they really want, and it's not being offered from the other side, then they must consider how long they are willing to wait for that person to come around... And will it be too late, by then?

She has laid it out for you. As someone else mentioned, time is more pressing for a woman. After 35 fertility starts to drop considerably. Sure, some people have children into their 40s, but it's not a choice many would make if the option to have children earlier is there.

You are together 2.5 years. You claim to be madly in love with her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.. but yet are annoyed that she wants to start that "rest of your life" sooner rather than later. What difference does it make? If you really wanted you could be married in 3 months. You need to give 3 months notice to the county registrar, after that it is just picking a date and doing it.

But you are protesting too much. From your point of view, you've done nothing wrong, had no intention of doing anything and want to spend the rest of your life with her... From her point of view, taking into account that she cannot see inside your head, she mentioned marriage, you weren't too impressed with her bringing it up and giving you a timeline, and then her friend spots your profile on a dating app....

Two completely different interpretations of the same scenario.

Honestly, despite all your protestations, it comes across like you're fed up, and wondering if the relationship has become too much hassle. This is where you now both sit down and be completely honest with each other, even if you know saying something is going to upset the other. If either of you hold back now then you are not moving forward together.

All relationships go through rough patches. But to come out of that rough patch it takes hard work and a lot of effort from both people. If one or other isn't that bothered, it won't work, and it just drags out the inevitable.

LegacyUser

For what it's worth, I've just traced my steps back to when I was using my phone that evening. I regularly install/uninstall apps (not dating apps admittedly) if I have a spare bit of time on my hands. In the Google Playstore, there is a 'Top Free' section. This app is currently rated 36. I installed 6 apps in total from the top 50 in the space of 20-30 mins that evening, only one of which is still on my phone as I may use it again.

This literally is the extent of the thought process I put into it. I saw the thing and clicked it, which was daft in itself, or I should have been clever enough to delete everything initially after making the first mistake, but I didn't and now paying the price.


On the marriage side of things, she had made it very clear to me about a year ago when she would like to do the 'big 3' (house, wedding, baby), that she would like them all in motion by the time she is 30. This we discussed and I was happy to discuss it even if it's a year or two earlier than a time-frame I had in mind. I told her I don't see any reason none of those should happen by then.

The 'bombshell' I'm referring to is that she said one month ago while out together, that she wants to be engaged before her 28th birthday (this gives me 6 months), or else she is gone. I've no problem discussing future plans etc but I did not like the way she brought up the subject this time. It felt like she just changed the goal posts all of a sudden and I'm finding out in a manor similar to her holding a gun to my head.

osarusan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You are together 2.5 years. You claim to be madly in love with her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.. but yet are annoyed that she wants to start that "rest of your life" sooner rather than later.

This exactly. And not annoyed, 'infuriated.'

OP, you want to spend the rest of your life with her, the two of you have discussed this to some extent in the past, and you know she has an idea of when she'd like to be married, have kids etc.

Despite all this, you were 'infuriated' by her for bringing it up (and the notion of an ultimatum is pretty blunt, granted, albeit making things clear).

I don't see how you can compare her asking you to make the commitment you say you want to make as something similar to you accessing a matchmaking site. They directly contradict each other in terms of what it means for a relationship. And you arguing that the fact that you were able to get over what she did to you means that she should be able to get over what you did doesn't make any sense to me.

I can only think that deep down, you are not sure if you do want to spend the rest of your life with her, despite what you say on here, and to her, and even to yourself.

Perhaps her ultimatum indicates that she is beginning to sense the same.

Hannibal Smith

To be honest OP....if you've apologised like that then she does need to move on now. Its not as if you have actually cheated.

Maybe her friends riled her up...but why the time limit for her moving out? If she wants to break up with you why is she waiting. Do you think she wanted to break up with you and now she gas an excuse to not come out the bad guy?

I think its completely immature to be setting ultimatums about proposals. Again if she wants to break up with you why doesn't she just do it?

ShaShaBear

I foolishly maintained a year-long relationship for a whole other year after my best friend found my now-ex on Tagged with an account registered as being made 2 months after we became exclusive and with several profile pictures, all of which had me in it. When confronted, he insisted that he made it because he was told by a friend that it was great for those social games like on Facebook (Mafia Wars, Farmville etc) but it didn't take quarter the effort to get friends together to progress. I was mad, but when I thought about it, it seemed innocent enough. He insisted he loved me, and had a combination of male and female friends on the site, a minority of which were clearly marked as being in relationships. I was even shown the bloody account.

It wasn't until his best friend accidentally dobbed him in as not being at a gig in Dublin and actually in Drogheda that I realised something was up. The same friend said he hadn't seen my partner in ages, and he stopped going to gigs months ago! Turns out that not only was he cheating on me with a total of 5 other women, but he was actually in a committed relationship with another 6th woman who he also met on the site!!

I looked the right fool in the end, but I made sure to let his other girlfriend know what was going on. She was horrified, and he, 6 years later, is still single. I felt stupid for ages for trusting and believing him simply because I thought I knew him so well. He took me for an awful ride, and when I think of the possibility of STI's and pregnancy that may have occurred in all of that, I cringe!!

Your girlfriend has every right to be mad, she is probably blowing hot and cold because she does love you, and perhaps would rather not split, but she has realised that you crossed a limiting threshold of her's, and she can no longer trust you. She is aware that she told you she wanted marriage, but maybe she doesn't want to marry someone who could "accidentally" sign up for a dating site when she is at home looking after a newborn baby in a few years time.

Everyone has their limits, has ideas of what should and should not be in a relationship. She clearly thinks dating sites should not be in a relationship, and you've screwed up as a result. She is also fully entitled to make demands as to the progress of your relationship after two years of being together. She can give you an ultimatum if she wants. Perhaps she felt you were not going to propose, either because you didnt want to, or you were afraid she would say no. So she gave you a nice clear line to either end things and let her find someone who would give her what she wants, or to propose before a deadline, knowing she would say yes if you did. Pretty reasonable to me considering you already told her you wanted to marry her.

If you treat her like she is some sort of petty drama queen every time you do something that upsets her, then let her go. She clearly deserves someone more understanding.

LegacyUser

Have to say Beks101 had the best post on this thread. Could not agree more!

OP - I have imagined myself in your gf's position and I think she is completely well within her rights to be annoyed at you. And I totally agree with others saying her friends probably made her annoyed about it again.

"but to break up a relationship because I logged into a computer program that I shouldn't have been on just baffles me." - REALLY? Are you seriously going to continue playing the innocent card here...

I think your last post was strange too, why do you have such a problem with her discussing marriage? She's probably re-thinking her future with you after the past week - I know I would be!

I'm 27, my OH is 26 and I only had a chat with him yesterday about our future plans together. Obviously I want things to start happening when I hit my 30's and I cant see how there's any problem discussing the fact that women have a biological clock and it makes sense to start planning these things? Maybe it's just me!

I think you don't want to be with this girl deep down, you're making her out to be an absolute drama queen, and me being a woman, I would be more inclined to side with her. Your "curiosity" was not innocent, and I think most posters here can see that.
Fair enough you know you've done wrong but it seems there's underlying issues here between you both, that may suggest things arent very rosey in the relationship in general!

massdebater

OP I'd call her bluff on this. From reading your messages, it sounds like she has no intention of breaking up with you. She wants you to grovel to her and that's exactly what you're doing. As soon as you went out for a few drinks, she got mad because she wanted you to sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. If she wanted to break up, she'd move out now, not 'during the week'. You've said you're sorry, she knows you love her.

I've been in a similar situation before (grovelling to my girlfriend, her saying she's going to end it in a few days etc). I told her that if she wanted to break up in a few days, it would be best of we broke up immediately so we could both get over it sooner. I told her I was sorry, loved her etc and that she should spend a few hours thinking about what she wanted to do but to make her decision that night - either break up or stay together but if we broke up, then we wouldn't be getting back together at a later date. I think she was quite shocked that I gave her an ultimatum but she decided to stay with me in the end. Honestly I was crapping it cause I didn't want us to break up but the kissing ass approach wasn't working. It's a difficult approach to take but it may be the best thing for you. Good luck whatever you decide to do

tara73

sorry OP, but you don't seem to understand anything. you seem to be lacking empathy completely and to understand the basics of trust in a relationship. you keep on and on defending yourself that you did sign up to the app without any thought and apologised to your girlfrind so many times.

are you able to put yourself in her shoes? how would you react to the story if she did it? it would be all ok for you, no trust issues left? And even if you wouldn’t bother about it, if you really love her you should respect her feelings, that she’s different to you and give her all the time she needs to get over it (or not).

it's this style of: oh, yes, I did it, it was very wrong, I apologise, I said this two words and everything is (has to be) fine.
if it's that easy in a relationship or in general in contact with people, what's next?
jumping into bed with someone (for sure with no thought), then you apologise a hundred times and things have to be good again?
Sure, with that attitude you can do whatever you want. very convenient. but obviously, and good for her, she's not playing along.

I’m not saying you would cheat, don’t get me wrong, I don’t know you, but how can she be sure anymore?

At the end of the day it’s all about you, you said the magical words and she has to forget the whole thing.
grow up, it’s not that easy.

ash23

DDrama wrote: »

she just got a call about the above, and that she thought I no longer had an account (we spoke about a coupel she knows who got together through it about 6 weeks ago, I mentioned I installed it briefly months back and was off it a day or so later)

So you had it installed while with her and you deleted it again. She knew about this as you told her and she didn't bring it up again.
You can't really use the "I was just curious" line as you'd already satisfied your curiousity really. You had already had a look and knew what it was about.

But you downloaded it again. Why? You knew what it involved.

I am seeing someone and he still had his online dating profile still active until recently. I asked him about it and he said he just hadn't thought about it, he said I had nothing to worry about and he got rid of it the next day. I was fine with it.

However, if I got a call in 6 weeks time from a friend telling me he had set up the profile again, I would be very very hurt. Why else would he be on it if he wasn't looking for someone? I can understand curiosity but once you've had a look, why would you need to go back?

Personally if I were your girlfriend I'd be seriously doubting your commitment to me and be thinking you're probably looking to line up a replacement.

Big Bag of Chips

DDrama wrote: »

On the marriage side of things, she had made it very clear to me about a year ago when she would like to do the 'big 3' (house, wedding, baby), that she would like them all in motion by the time she is 30. This we discussed and I was happy to discuss it even if it's a year or two earlier than a time-frame I had in mind. I told her I don't see any reason none of those should happen by then.

The 'bombshell' I'm referring to is that she said one month ago while out together, that she wants to be engaged before her 28th birthday

Well this is a case of miscommunication/misinterpretation then. Saying she wanted the wheels in motion by the time she was 30 seems to me to be that she wanted to be married, and have a house by/before 30, and then kids very soon after.

So wanting to be engaged for a year and a half to 2 years before getting married is not all that unusual... That's where 28 is coming into it.

So she had 30 as her limit, whereas you seem to have taken it as the target. The start date.

Neither of you are necessarily wrong... You're just not communicating very well. She's saying what she's hoping for, and you're hearing what you are hoping for. And then getting pissed off with her for "moving the goal posts" and "holding a gun to your head", when in fact she sees it as you are just discussing it again.

You are both only seeing things from your own perspective, naturally. But things are getting lost in translation, somewhere. And rather than figure it out, you are both just arguing with each other.

Talk to each other. In plain English. Let there be no grey areas or one person thinking they know what the other wants... Or else go your separate ways.

Flippyfloppy

DDrama wrote: »

This app is currently rated 36. I installed 6 apps in total from the top 50 in the space of 20-30 mins that evening, only one of which is still on my phone as I may use it again.

Right so DDrama, you only installed the apps you wanted right? Just 6 apps out of 50. Why on earth would you even want Tinder? Not out of curiousity, you had it before so you knew what it would be like.

I'd say your GF cannot get her head around it,like many posters here. You're apologising and she's trying to accept the apology, but deep down she knows she would never even think of installing a hook up app, and is no doubt trying to figure out why you did.

Can you take a step back for a minute and try and decide do you really, REALLY want to marry eachother? If you're not sure after 2.5 years you'll never be sure.

You did say you would marry in the future, but that's the future. It reeks of 'I'll start the diet/quit fags/stop gambling on Monday'

Have you put any thought into saving for a ring/ finding out what sort of ring she would like etc? How many kids you want, because the more you both want the more time you'll need.

Why would her telling you she would like to be engaged soon infuriate you? Marriage, kids and a house should be something you look forward to, not dread. Myself and my OH couldn't wait to do it!!

faceman

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well this is a case of miscommunication/misinterpretation...

...Neither of you are necessarily wrong... You're just not communicating very well. She's saying what she's hoping for, and you're hearing what you are hoping for. And then getting pissed off with her for "moving the goal posts" and "holding a gun to your head", when in fact she sees it as you are just discussing it again.

You are both only seeing things from your own perspective, naturally. But things are getting lost in translation, somewhere. And rather than figure it out, you are both just arguing with each other.

Talk to each other. In plain English. Let there be no grey areas or one person thinking they know what the other wants... Or else go your separate ways.

All of this especially the bold bit by a bazillion.

I can never understand how on an Internet forum people make judgements without knowing or even hearing from both parties.

But the above post is definitely the one to reflect on. Mud slinging, blame games etc are destructive.

It's ok for people to make mistakes in life and to admit that. Talk to her. Sort it out.

Dermighty

Tinder + relationship you want to be in...

Not going to happen

iPink

Again I would ask the OP how he would have felt if the tables were turned...?? It might help to put into perspective a bit how she might be feeling right now.. Though i have my doubts as you are still really coming across as not believing you did anything wrong & your gf is a total drama queen..
I know you say you've apologised over & over but i get the impression that you are apologising because you got caught not because you betrayed her trust! !
Also, you say in your original post that it was only out of interest yet it wasn't the first time you've been on it & you were on it at least 3 Days of I'm not mistaken? !
Doesn't really sound like curiosity to me! !
Your gf is way better off without you in my opinion & you are probably better off single right now... Then you can sign into as many hook up sites as you want & enjoy the single life! !

Humria

One question OP:

You said you regularly install and uninstall apps so why did you keep the Tinder app on your phone? You downloaded it, looked at it and then left it there, presumably until your girlfriend found out. You had to look back to see when you installed it so it appears that it's been on your phone a while.

What seems clear is that you think your girlfriend is over-reacting, you appear to feel pressurised in the relationship and you think a break might be "for the best". If you don't want to marry the girl end it sooner rather than later (if she hasn't already).

retro:electro

"It's goin down, I'm yellin tinder"

Tokyo

anna080, please take time away from posting here to read the forum charter first. Considering the nature of the topics discussed in the Relationship Issues forum, we request that people post in a mature and constructive manner.

Further instances like this can result in an infraction or ban.

Regards,
Mike

homemadecider

No wonder she is annoyed.

You say you want to marry her, then you get furious when she talks about putting a timeline on things.

You say you want to marry her, then you download a hook-up app. Twice.

If I was her I'd be raging, and completely doubting my future with you.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly...yes, what you did was dumb, it was just...really, really stupid. But you've admitted that and clearly you want to make things right, but it isn't a quick fix situation. Now, having said that, if she's ready to move out within the week then you really have to consider how she may not be ready to deal with a serious, committed relationship, especially when she goes from being positive about the whole thing, to being a really unpleasant, cold person again. It seems like she just doesn't want to work things out over time, and that's on her. At some point, both of you are going to have to accept the situation as is, leave your annoyances aside, and address this head on. Her feelings were hurt, her faith was shaken...but she knows you want to make things right. Yet instead of taking the higher ground and trying to sort the problem out, she's threatening to move out and gets angry because you'd dare go out with a friend in need when she's gone off with hers. Her trust can be shaken, it'd be like that for a while, and yes, she probably should question your every move, but to get in a huff about it? Simply for the act of going out? I mean, I sort of get it, given the break in trust, but it shows how unwilling she is to trust you. Things like this can happen, but it's important to clarify and move forward, not harp on it. It sounds like the both of you can't communicate what you really mean, and that doesn't bode well for any relationship. (I'm just working with the information I've read)

Also, in my opinion, when someone starts laying down their plan for their future that early into a relationship, and then forces you to either marry them or have them leave...let them leave. Two and a half years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, it's clear she's driven and wants her life to progress - she just doesn't want to think about you in that progression, given her actions. What I mean by that is: rushing a relationship to reach your unrealistic expectations, essentially trying to force your will on reality, means that any relationship will do. So long as you reach that goal, you're happy (or so you think). And that's what a lot of (especially Irish) people do, which leads to unhappy marriages, separation and divorce, and at that point the children suffer if the two adults aren't mature enough to handle the situation amicably. I know it sounds really, terribly harsh, but it sounds like you two didn't lay out your life plans clearly, and when push came to shove she lay down an ultimatum, which is neither mature nor healthy on her part. You may love her, you may have loved the relationship and you may have done something stupid, but the pressure you were under seems to show that she wanted to move faster than you, and you're allowed be annoyed. That doesn't, however, negate her feelings now, it just shows that maybe you two aren't suited for the future she wants.

Best of luck, seems like the situation was building to this for a long time, whether you realise it or not.