Refusing to go to wedding - Mod Warning Post #34

LegacyUser

So this is a bit of a complicated one not exactly cut and dry and I think there will be lots of division people picking different sides but I think it's mostly for getting it out of my system ( sort of) that I'm posting as opposed to finding a solution.

My sisters husband passed away suddenly just over a month ago, my wedding is in a month.
I found out from her friend yesterday she isn't going, friend then told her I knew which printed her to visit me to " tell me" the conversation basically went why would I even think she would go and me telling her that it hurt me so much to hear that and that I really would never get over it if she wasn't there( I actually wasn't trying to guilt it was just honesty)

I feel so hurt and upset I've been up most of the night crying , I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life. I've been trying so hard not to be insensitive that yesterday was the first day we even spoke about me getting married!

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home. So I think because of the stress already it's worse than if she came honestly and told us but I think it's just for dramatic effect.
I don't know what to do as she says she is adamant at not going but I can't help but feel it's extremely selfish of her to not be prepared to stand by her family for one day , does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sorry for turning it into a rant at the end I'm just lost as to what to do maybe someone will have some words of wisdom !!

CaraMay

Omg are you joking me???? Her husband passed away a month ago and you are making this all about you??? She is not up to going to your wedding right now. She might have changed her mind but I would say you have scuppered that now for sure.

I can't believe you have created this drama. Last time I checked, attendance at a wedding was voluntary. You really need to back off and let her get on with life as best she can without adding any additional pressure on her.

Leave her be and she might surprise you but don't put any more guilt trips on her.

ElleEm

I think you are being completely selfish and unreasonable.
Your sister's husband has unexpectedly died. It will take her longer than two months to get over! I cannot believe that you are failing to see where she is coming from. You expect her to paint on a smile and attend a day dedicated to love and marriage, all the while having people ask her how she is, talk about her husband, talk about her behind her back, judge her for drinking/ dancing (if she does), judge her for sitting in a corner crying (if she does). People deal with grief differently. She is choosing to manage it in her own way. Putting pressure in her to attend a party for your sake is heartless.

Taltos

OP - I am 100% with Cara on this.
For a moment, just close your eyes, think of the happiness and love you feel for your fiance, picture your hopes and dreams together. They holidays you will enjoy, the children you will raise. Their birthdays, first days at school, graduation, their 21st where you and your fiance will spend a fortune but put up silly photos of them, their wedding, the day you become a grandmother.

Now - for a second imagine your partner suddenly dead. All of that is now gone. Life is bleak. There are no more good days, just one massive open wound that bleeds and hurts and never ever gets any better. (At least right now that is all you can think of).
That is probably only a fraction of the pain your sister is in.

She just needs someone to hold her and tell her it will all be ok right now. That was meant to be you. Instead through no fault of your own, the planning for your wedding has blinded you to the agony she is in and she probably feels more alone than ever.

Don't blame her, don't even blame yourself. Accept she is just not up to it but give her that hug, tell her you love her and that while you will miss her, you now totally understand why she can't come.
If you must put an empty chair there with her picture but don't ever ask her again is she sure, is there no way she can come.

There are no winners in this but right now as cut up as you are at her just imagine how she must be feeling.

foxinsox

From reading your post, to me it seems like your sister is struggling and could really do with your help and family support.

If I'd only recently lost my husband, the last place I'd want to be would be a beautiful happy wedding.

You might have persuaded her to come in the evening to the wedding, but now sadly it seems that it has caused a major falling out between you two.

A wedding is just one day out of your hopefully long happy relationship.

Your sister needs you, if I was you I would apologise to her, tell her you love her and you and your family help her deal with her grief.



Best of luck :-)

Typer Monkey

You're being totally unreasonable, insensitive and selfish. The world doesn't revolve around you and your wedding! Your sister is grieving the very recent loss of her husband. I'm not surprised she doesn't feel able to publically cope with all the memories of her own wedding and grief that will obviously be overwhelming. Yet you've managed to create a load of extra stress and anguish and made it all about you.

I'm rarely flabbergasted by threads on here but this really takes the biscuit. Christ almighty OP, get a grip

Meauldsegosha

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home.!

OP I can't believe the sentence above. Your sister is going through one of the hardest times she will ever experience. If it is a bad time for your family it is a thousand times worse for her.

Stop hassling your sister to go to your wedding. Give her time to grieve and be there to support her.

2013LEO

"My sisters husband passed away suddenly just over a month ago, my wedding is in a month.
I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life.
She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home."


Hi OP, this is a difficult situation to be in. The day may be the biggest in your life but your sister's biggest day was only over a month ago when her husband died. I think you should accept & understand that your sister will not be there on such a "happy" occasion when she herself is obviously going through an awful time. I would be more concerned at the moment about what is happening to yr sister & how she is handling her husbands sudden death ("hanging out with major scumbags"). I wonder if it was a close friend would you have a different take on things - sometimes we expect too much of family members. If your sister doesnt want to be at your wedding a month after her husbands death then I think she has a very valid reason for not being there - I know its hard when you're so looking forward to your big day & want everything to be perfect but some things are outside our control & you need to accept that & come to terms with it. I think you should talk to your sister & tell her you understand that this is an awful time, but that if she could, you would love if she could be there for the wedding cermony & she could leave then if she wanted to, the main thing is to not to put her under pressure to be there, let it be her choice, and as an adult you must accept her decision. At this stage you should put it into your head that she will not be there & if she turns up on the day its a bonus.

alias06

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

My sisters husband passed away suddenly just over a month ago, my wedding is in a month.
I found out from her friend yesterday she isn't going, friend then told her I knew which printed her to visit me to " tell me" the conversation basically went why would I even think she would go and me telling her that it hurt me so much to hear that and that I really would never get over it if she wasn't there( I actually wasn't trying to guilt it was just honesty)

I feel so hurt and upset I've been up most of the night crying , I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life. I've been trying so hard not to be insensitive that yesterday was the first day we even spoke about me getting married!

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home. So I think because of the stress already it's worse than if she came honestly and told us but I think it's just for dramatic effect.
I don't know what to do as she says she is adamant at not going but I can't help but feel it's extremely selfish of her to not be prepared to stand by her family for one day , does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sorry for turning it into a rant at the end I'm just lost as to what to do maybe someone will have some words of wisdom !!

Oh my God. She is not going to attend the wedding because her husband just died. She is in mourning. That's it. There is no more to it. Get over yourself. The world does not revolve around you.

When you have just been hit by grief the last thing many people would want is to attend a big happy clappy occasion. Let her deal with her grief in her own way.

tinkerbell

OMG OP, this is the most selfish post I have ever seen. You are so self-absorbed in your bridezilla ways that you clearly don't give a damn that your sister's husband has JUST DIED. Your wedding day means nothing to your sister right now. Sorry OP if this is not the attention seeking response you want of "poor me" but your wedding day is irrelevant right now. Think of your sister - her husband is dead, she has lost the man she planned on spending her life with and instead of giving her a hug and understanding like any reasonable human being would, you lecture her about how "you'll never get over it" if she doesn't attend. And you spent your night crying after because she's so been "insensitive" to you? How do you think she has spent the last month?

OP, get over yourself. I'm so disgusted that you would actually treat your sister this way after her husband dying. You are the one being insensitive and cruel - not her. Try for a minute to stop thinking of yourself all the time and imagine how she must feel right now. She lost her husband a month ago, she will never get over that. How do you think you would feel if your fiancé suddenly died?

I suggest that you call to her and apologise for being such a self-absorbed brat. You are completely in the wrong here.

whiskeyman

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home.

What was your relationship with your sister before her husband died?
From the above, it sounds like she's not coping well at all, and I don't think it's right for her to be there.
Forgot about her attendance and focus on her health and well being if you really care for her.

Penny Tration

Op, I am going to try not be too harsh.

You need to take the blinkers off and focus on something other than your wedding for a moment.

Your sister lost her husband a matter of weeks ago. She cannot cope with spending a day with family celebrating love and relationships because she has lost hers and is in terrible pain, more pain than I think you currently have the emotional capacity to understand.

Your sister is not being selfish. She is distraught. Do you think her drinking and hanging around bad people would happen if she were happy with her life.

Her entire life has changed in an awful, terrible way. No matter how hard it is for your family, it is a million times worse for her and you need to at least try to understand that.

Please stop thinking of only yourself, before you alienate your sister even further and destroy your relationship. If you continue to push your frankly selfish agenda, she will never forgive you.

She needs support. She will not heal without support.

Forget about the wedding for a day, go see her, give her a hug and tell her you understand and can see why she can't go. Make her feel loved. She has just lost her love. You still have yours, so show her some love while she needs it the most.

dudara

You have to put yourself in her shoes. You're not married yet but try to imagine that you are, and then that your husband dies. Imagine how your wedding day felt and then imagine all that gone.

You have your wedding to look forward to. Your sister has had those wonderful memories overlaid with her loss. In time she will value those memories but right now she's grieving.

In fact, given that there has been such a major recent loss in the family, I'm surprised that you haven't offered to postpone the wedding.

Neyite

Its a wedding, OP. A big deal for you, and for your partner -and maybe the parents. But for everyone else including siblings, its a bit of a day out. A session. I was due to give birth 7 days after my sisters wedding. She knew that, and fully supported me in that even if I went early, with a brand new newborn and in recovery I may not attend. I obviously pulled out of bridesmaid duties and heard not a peep. Not even when I couldn't make the hen.

At my wedding, several siblings wont be there. They simply cant afford to come home from abroad for it. But, while I'll miss them, I fully understand. Its an important day for my partner and I, but for everybody else, its a session.

Add in to what the others said, I cant imagine sitting through the best part of 12 hours surrounded by extended family, getting pitying looks from them, or getting judged if I so much as smiled.

Oh God, her husband just DIED. Please let her grieve the way that she needs to and support her on this.

Stavro Mueller

dudara wrote: »

..
In fact, given that there has been such a major recent loss in the family, I'm surprised that you haven't offered to postpone the wedding.

This thought crossed my mind too. Along with the word Bridezilla flashing in giant big neon lights.

It's rare that a thread here is so unanimous. Maybe you need to take a step back from your preparations for your wedding and ask yourself how have you been behaving towards your family/friends lately. A wedding is just one day in your life and if the truth be told, most people would rather not be there. Sorry if that's a harsh comment but it's true. I've yet to meet someone who hasn't groaned when an invitation has come through the letterbox.

I'm horrified at your attitude towards your sister. Grief comes in many forms and it would appear that your sister's way of coping is to go off the rails rather than to weep quietly in a corner. You should be trying to help her, not berate her because she's not behaving in the way you think she should be. The poor woman is probably still in a state of shock and floundering around, trying to find her place in the world again. The last thing she needs is Miss Bridezilla looking down her nose at her and chastising her for not coming to her wedding.

cactusgal

Plus one to what other posters have said.

You should have postponed the wedding when your brother-in-law died.

Tabitharose

I'm with everyone else I'm afraid, I would have thought that the best thing to do would have been to offer to postpone the wedding, if this wasn't an option for some reason, I would have expected that you would have approached your sister, quietly, and told her that given what she has been through, you would totally understand if she didn't want to come to the wedding, or wanted to come to just part of it.

You seem to be making this all about you, from what your sister's been through, it's incredibly selfish. The poor woman's life has been shattered into a million tiny pieces & you're crying cause she won't be at the wedding, most likely because she cannot cope with being there.

By all means have a little cry and a pity party about her not coming, but do it in private - away from her, she is coping with so much right now, she doesn't need a drama queen sister trying to make her feel worse when she's at her lowest point.

missjm

OP - you start off by saying that it's complicated. I'm afraid it's not one bit complicated. Your sister lost her husband only a few weeks ago. She is in shock, immense grief and her world has fallen apart. She needs your support right now, not pressure to attend a big family day out where people will quite possibly even keep their distance on the day for fear of saying something insensitive by accident. I don't think you are grasping what a big deal it is that her husband died. Perhaps you are so wrapped up in your wedding plans it hasn't quite hit you. Is there any way you could postpone the wedding given the circumstances
?

CaraMay

I agree the op needs to change her attitude totally and do a complete u turn but do think it's excessive to postpone the wedding.

Have been thinking about the sister and feel so sorry for her having this melodrama added to her existing woes.

Big Bag of Chips

To give you a little perspective, OP, my cousin's husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. Her sister got married over a year later. Now, the widow did go to the wedding but stepped down as bridesmaid, asked that her husband not be mentioned in any part of the day (remembering people not here, etc). She said that even though it was going to be a very difficult day for her, and her other family members, she wanted the day to be about her sister, and not turn into a pity fest for her.

As it was, most of the people there, did spend the day keeping an eye on her. Pitying looks when all the love and "rest of your lives" stuff was being talked about. Feeling sorry for her being so lost at what should have been a very happy time for the while family... And one that her husband should have been there to celebrate too.

This, as I say, was over a year after the bereavement, and it was still raw and fresh in everyone's mind... Not just my cousins'.

You need to back off, and allow your sister to do what feels right for her, not what you want. You do realise if she goes, that the focus of everyone will be her, all day. When you are saying your vows, people will be looking at her, with pitying looks, wondering how upset she must be. During the speeches people will be looking at how she is reacting. At your first dance, she will have well meaning guests with their arm around her, comforting her.

Your day is about you and your husband. Everyone else are extras. The day would be horrific for your sister to endure. If it was a small, intimate, family only affair she might be more likely to attend, and not feel so bad about crying through the entire thing... I'm guessing it's a fairly big wedding though, and your sister doesn't want to be a spectator sport for a crowd of people she doesn't really know.

I think it is interesting that you feel opinion would be very divided... Yet there is unanimous agreement. Your wedding day is special to you, her husband and her grief are personal to her. It is something you cannot possibly understand. And its something that as a family you are powerless to help her with. All you can do is stand back and watch as she works through it. And support her anyway you can. And if that means hugging her and telling her you completely understand that she cannot be at your wedding, then that's what you do.... Even if you don't mean it.

Holsten

I actually got angry reading that post.

You really need to look at the situation, OP.

She would be in no mood to go at all. This time is really about her, a wedding is NOTHING even remotely close to the death of a spouse.

Chucky the tree

Every so often you come across a thread that really makes you stop. It's depressing to think they're are people in the world as self-centred and horrible as OP. Amazed that you either A) can't comprehend that the wedding day will just basically be a huge reminder about her own wedding and simply bring back memories of her husband or you don't give a **** about that.

Big Bag of Chips

If your sister goes to the wedding she will spend the day hiding on well meaning sympathisers. Your whole family will spend the day keeping an eye on her, minding her and worrying about. It will not be a good day for her, and even after it you may well be annoyed that her situation overshadowed your happy day.

Sinead Mc1

Its clear you're extremely caught up in your wedding. What you need to remember is no one gives a **** about this day as much as you do. Probably not even your husband to be.
So your sister won't be attending. You will have all your other family and friends there.
This is one day op. You will wake up the next morning, with your husband, and it will all be over. Whats happened to your sister is forever. She should not be expected to attend, just so your vision of what you think your wedding should be, is complete.
Would you spend every minute of the day with her? No, because you'll be mingleing with guests. And even if you did it wouldn't make it right. She would have to sit there, pretending to be happy. It seems you just want every little thing to be perfect. But it can't be.
It would also serve you well to remember that the mood could be sombre on the day because of this loss. You should be prepared for this.
I would pick up the phone and make amends with your sister. These are unfortunate circumstances but you should be doing all you can to help her. Tell her its fine should she not want to attend and that you're there for her. Make sure someone has offered to be with her for the day too.
The wedding is a big deal to you now but I guarantee you, you will be so ashamed when you look back, should you not make amends now. You will have plenty of beautiful times to look forward to with your husband. Count your blessings.

dellas1979

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sitting on her own at home? Wow - What a horrible sister you have. That selfish, selfish sister of yours wanting to mourn her husband. The flamin cheek of her.

I am actually appauled at this.

The woman, your sister, just lost her husband.

Let put the shoe on the other foot here, seeing as you are giving her a good kicking. Is it not insensitive of you (to her) to go ahead with the wedding considering recent events?

Dee01

I will probably get slated for this, but I think the OP is being torn apart a slightly too much here.

Sometimes, you can get self obsessed with something and not even realise it. I would imagine once she read one or two posts from this thread, the fog cleared and she realised she was being unreasonable. It sometimes takes an outsider to bring perspective into the equation and that is the reason she came here.

OP, your sister is distraught and can't cope with having to deal with such a massive occasion so soon after the loss of her husband. I would imagine there will be a big cross over with the mourners from the funeral as well.

I think if it was me, I would call back to your sister and apologise for last night. Tell her you were caught up in the planning and yourself and hadn't stopped to consider how hard it would be for her at this time. Tell her you are there for her and will support her no matter what decision she makes and that although you would love to see her there, you understand if she doesn't feel able for it.

The fact that you found out through a third party that she wasn't coming to your wedding, would lead me to think she knew how you would react to the news. Maybe this has been an added stress to her as well.

Good luck with it OP I hope you can sort it out with her.

Foolscap

OP, this is one of the most selfish things I've ever heard. You're sister has just lost her husband and you expect her to sit through a ceremony in which you gain a husband whilst uttering the words "till death do us part?"

You would want to seriously backtrack and apologise for being so spoilt and selfish, imagine for one second how you would feel if you lost you fiance?

This is the type of thing that tears families apart. If you don't cop on, you're sister may never forgive you for how you've behaved. I'm astonished at your attitude.

LegacyUser

Dee01 wrote: »

I will probably get slated for this, but I think the OP is being torn apart a slightly too much here.

Sometimes, you can get self obsessed with something and not even realise it. I would imagine once she read one or two posts from this thread, the fog cleared and she realised she was being unreasonable. It sometimes takes an outsider to bring perspective into the equation and that is the reason she came here.

OP, your sister is distraught and can't cope with having to deal with such a massive occasion so soon after the loss of her husband. I would imagine there will be a big cross over with the mourners from the funeral as well.

I think if it was me, I would call back to your sister and apologise for last night. Tell her you were caught up in the planning and yourself and hadn't stopped to consider how hard it would be for her at this time. Tell her you are there for her and will support her no matter what decision she makes and that although you would love to see her there, you understand if she doesn't feel able for it.

The fact that you found out through a third party that she wasn't coming to your wedding, would lead me to think she knew how you would react to the news. Maybe this has been an added stress to her as well.

Good luck with it OP I hope you can sort it out with her.

Yah I have to agree. We sometimes can lose the run of ourselves without even realising it. I think the OP should just take a step back from this situation and try and look at it from an outsiders perspective. The reality is that what we do in our lives has the biggest affect on us rather than the people around us especially in relation to weddings, new jobs, new relationships etc. Your sister is going through probably the toughest period of her life at the moment. Your wedding will come and go but she will still be left with her grief. Just try to support and understand your sister. And without sounding too harsh it may actually come back to bite in later life when your sister might think you were't there for her when she needed you.

iwantmydinner

OP, wake up and listen to what's being said here.

I would be heartbroken if I was in your sister's shoes and one of my sisters treated me the way you're treating her.

That's on top of the indescribable grief of losing a husband a few weeks ago. Come on.

December2012

I'm going to give you the benefit if the doubt here OP.

I am assuming you are stressed about your wedding, which can happen even when you're not a bridezilla.

In your world your wedding is the main thing to you.

You want it to be perfect - which is unserstandable. You want all the people you love there to share in your perfection and happy day - which is again, understandable.

You have no idea what it's like to be married yet. You have no idea what it's like to have your spouse die, young and suddenly.

Here is where I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt - it is this ignorance that you have of how your sister and probably family feel that is making you act so spectacularly horrible to your sister. Do you love your fiancé? Would you go to a wedding a month after he died?

It's akin to watching your sister have a baby while you have a miscarriage.

Getting fired while somebody else gets promoted.

Getting dumped when your best friend gets engaged.

Except it's worse, it's permanent and it's forever.

So here's what you should do - you call around to your sister in person and you apologise for making her feel bad. You tell her that you cannot comprehend what she is going through, and that you are so sorry. You tell her you love her, you support her (you don't need support to get married btw!), and you will be there for her.

She has more of an idea about marriage than you.

Your wedding day does not matter in the grand scheme of things. It will not be the best day of your life. Your marriage is more important than your wedding.

And your brother in laws death is more important than your wedding.

Your sister needs you and your family.

So stop right now.

Chara1001

I really hope you're taking notice of these unanimous replies.
It could be as Dee01 suggests- you got caught up with yourself and your plans to the level where you acted out of character. I hope for your sisters' sake this is the case, and she can get on with her grieving and hope you will be back to your old self to support her when your wedding is over.
If not Op, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. How on gods green earth is she supposed to put a happy face on, tell you you look beautiful, she is so happy for you etc etc- how??
It was a month ago!!!! Her grief is raw!!
I just can't believe your post, if this not totally out of character for you, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Tokyo

plasteritup, as per the Forum Charter, if you can't post in a civil manner, please consider not posting at all, as future comments like this may lead to an infraction or ban. I would also like to remind everybody else to keep their responses civil and constructive.

Thanks,

mike_ie

peaceandlove

It's hard to beleive that this is a serious thread??
I feel so sorry for your sister, I know I would be absolutely devastated if my partner died even the thought of it upsets me.

You really need to take a long hard look at yourself it's hard to imagine that anyone could be so selfish. As others have mentioned the day is about you and your husband to be most people (that I know) do not really enjoy being invited to a wedding.

My advice get over to your sister asap and apologise for being so selfish tell her you got crazy for a minute and can she forgive you.

plasteritup

mike_ie wrote: »

plasteritup, as per the Forum Charter, if you can't post in a civil manner, please consider not posting at all, as future comments like this may lead to an infraction or ban. I would also like to remind everybody else to keep their responses civil and constructive.

Thanks,

mike_ie

Ok just got a bit pissed off with the op

LegacyUser

I went on holiday with friends a month after my father died unexpectedly. The holiday had been planned for nearly a year but none of my friends would have had issue with me canceling on them. I went because my mother was so insistent that I get back to normal but I wish I hadn't listened to her. It was an awful trip for me. I kept a smile on for the sake of my friends but I ended up going off by myself most of the time as I would just burst into tears at random and need time to calm down. Trying to just do small talk with people was a nightmare as I didn't want to dump the fact my father had just died on them but trying to chat about anything else going on in my life seemed like a betrayal to him which made me feel worse. I never told me mum how awful it was as she was dealing with her own grief at the time. That was a long weekend break with 3 friends and it was so overwhelming for me emotionally, I couldn't imagine what going to a wedding filled with family and friends would have been like, there is no way I could have dealt with that. OP you can't imagine the sort of grief your sisters is going through until you've been through it yourself, everyone deals with if differently but they need to deal with it so you need to step back and let your sister deal. Be there when she needs you but stop making this about you.

Paddy Cow

You are bang out of order and owe your sister a massive apology.

thefeatheredcat

I think OP you are interpreting her not going as a means to be spiteful towards you, which is an interpretation based on what you described as her hanging around scumbags and fighting with you and other family members that is influencing your reaction.

I have to ask OP, do you normally have a good relationship with your sister? Is she normally good to you, nice to you, or has she been spiteful to you for years and that you have never got on? I ask because the way you describe her, what you wrote in your post, your low opinion and general dislike to her sounds to me, that there's a bigger backstory to your unkindness towards her than you let on, that explains why you consider her so selfish and spiteful. Or not, perhaps and your negative opinion of her is arising merely out of your perception she is being nasty when actually she is reacting to a trauma in her life and you lack an ability to understand this, empathise with it or feel anything for the poor girl at all, that you can't see past what you perceive as selfishness on her behalf and think that this is only about you and only you matter and only you are deserving of sympathy or empathy or kindness.

Going by your post though, whether ye normally get on or not, or whether your sister is generally a pain in the backside to you or whatever, it is extremely insensitive to someone who is bereaved to push aside whatever they may be feeling following a sudden death, and to guilt them about not going to a wedding and to accuse them of stirring drama just to spite you. I feel you do not understand your sister's position or what she is going through and view her as someone who being unnecessarily and unreasonably awkward, dramatic, selfish, spiteful and nasty towards you for no real reason. Now without knowing your sister or you, this indeed could be true that she is that way towards you regardless and that is the way it has always been, BUT the fact that her husband died very recently and very suddenly should connect her behaviour to her situation and a means for understanding, rather than berating her and interpreting her every action and words as her being spiteful towards you for no reason..

If you want some words of wisdom: make contact with your sister, make a gesture of making amends and apologising to her and postpone the wedding if you really want to have her there. Understand that she is not going just to spite and hurt you, but more likely out of dealing with a bereavement.

loalae

I think the OP's character has been ripped to shreds unnecessarily here!

OP I agree with most people here in the sense that I don't think that it's unreasonable that your sister doesn't want to attend your wedding. Her husband died a month ago and she needs time to grieve. People react in different ways to bereavement and everything you have described about her behaviour falls into the range of normal grieving behaviour.

From a purely selfish point if view you needs to decide what is more important to you - your relationship with your sister or her presence at your wedding. I'm afraid it doesn't look like you can have both.

But I think if you try for some empathy you'll understand that she is just not able to attend.

LegacyUser

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

Addle

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Every so often you come across a thread that really makes you stop. It's depressing to think they're are people in the world as self-centred and horrible as OP. Amazed that you either A) can't comprehend that the wedding day will just basically be a huge reminder about her own wedding and simply bring back memories of her husband or you don't give a **** about that.

I'm not surprised with the original post, I've known more than one unreasonable bride and groom express similar sentiment over like situations.
Weddings make some people go mad.

I hope you haven't ruined your relationship with your sister forever OP.

December2012

So what?

So she got someone else to give you the message - nothing wrong with that. Even if she is trying to be dramatic you have to give her a pass. I mean come on - you are judging her through an unfair filter.

Let's make this clear. When your husband dies you are entitled to do this wrongly.

When your husband dies you can do whatever the eff you like really.

When your husband dies a part of you dies too.

Grief and bereavement are not standardized.

Give her a break.

mr_edge_to_you

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know.

Perhaps she was worrying that you'd overreact which seems like a legitimate concern. She has enough on her plate at the moment.

To be honest I would've been surprised if she didn't put in an appearance on the day after she had a few weeks to process what has just happened. You probably should've just left it settle!

As to what to do now? Go straight over and apologise. Tell your sister that the invite is still there and she can decide on the day if she's like to attend - any part of the day for whatever length of time suits.

LegacyUser

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

ElleEm

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

It takes guts to reply after the harsh responses you got, OP, so fair play for coming back.

While you are asking for the benefit of the doubt, you have to understand that we do not know you. All we know is the impression you gave in your opening post, which was that of a selfish, bridezilla like character. We do not know your sister, or any more about her situation, but personally I feel that people who are bereaved should be given a bit of a carte blanche in regards to their behaviours for a while. The likelihood is that none of her decisions will make sense for the next while, but you just have to go with it for the next while as she struggles through her emotions.

Meauldsegosha

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.

OP your sister being horrible is everything to do with her grieving. You really can't understand the hurt, pain and grieve she is going through. And I hope you never do. I lost my finance 6 weeks before our wedding and I can tell you I was a bitch to everyone around me for months after he died. I wanted everyone to feel the pain and hurt like I did. Has your sister had any counselling?

Jenneke87

This is one of those post that leaves you astounded for a moment and then you shake your head thinking:"This can't be real."

Your sister is acting out and you can't put two and two together that maybe she does that because she's hurting so much because her husband died four weeks ago and your acting like your about to die yourself because she won't come? Are.You.Kidding?

Your sister is going through one of the hardest things a human being can ever go through-the death of a beloved partner and you're wondering why she won't attend your wedding with a big smile on her face? It's repulsive that you would put her under that kind of pressure during this time in her life. Not postphoning the wedding because your family told you that life goes on? Who's getting married here? None of your family seems to show any consideration for the loss your sister has just suffered, all of it sounds so insensitive it's hard to wrap my mind around it.

If you want to go through with the wedding on the date you planned, expect your sister not to be there. And that you owe her a big, big apology. I feel deeply sorry for the poor woman.

tinkerbell

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

You need to get over yourself. The world does not revolve around your wedding. I cannot believe you said you are so angry because you saw your mother die a little when your sister said she wasn't going to the wedding? For goodness sake, your sister's husband has just died - don't you think that a huge part of your sister died when she had to bury her husband? You're not thinking of your sister at all. Have a bit of perspective here - you are not the one who has had their whole world destroyed a month ago. She probably can't even think straight right now, let alone think of pandering to you and your mother's expectations on how she should compartmentalise her grief for the duration of your big day.

And I know you say you weren't horrible to your sister but you were! You were really cruel when you told her you wouldn't get over it if she didn't attend (which you said in your first post).

And you being there for her every night is what anybody would do if their sibling's partner just died. Your sister giving you the message via somebody else is probably because she didn't feel up to facing you as she knew how badly you would react and quite frankly, she doesn't need that drama right now. She needs support and family to help her through this enormous grief she is suffering right now. Instead of demanding she be there to support you at your wedding (quote from your first post) - what exactly does she need to support you about? What is so bad in your life that you need your grieving sister to support you on your wedding day? Oh wait, you just want her to sit there and plaster on a fake smile while you rub your wedding vows in her face while inside she probably dies a little more, remembering that she is a widow.

Sinead Mc1

To be honest I can understand about not putting the wedding off, life isnt that simple. There is the financial side to think of and besides the op did offer.
Op, we do not know your sister but I really don't think she would take this opportunity to purposely be dramatic. Even if I fully understood your way of thinking I would tell you to let this one slide. Think of the bigger picture. No one is ever going to think your right here. This woman is grieving. Don't put a fallout between you two on your family on top of everything else. Sometimes, even when you feel your right, you have to suck it up and except it.
I actually understand her getting someone else to tell you. My heart goes out to her to think that whilst you were comforting her she was probably thinking about the wedding and what to do. How to let you down gently. Some things are very hard to say to someone's face. If she found it easier to have this messaged relayed, so be it.
There will be plenty more occasions for your sister to enjoy with you in the future. The birth of your children etc are much more important than your wedding day. This is something you don't really realise till your wedding is over. Whatever way she finds easiest to cope ye should all be accommodating that.

Chucky the tree

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

That's all you said? Jesus, how crazy of us to think you're selfish!:rolleyes: Maybe for a few minutes try not thinking about just yourself.

Typer Monkey

Ok so all this hurt and anguish is because a third party told you that your sister couldn't bring herself to attend your wedding? How incredibly petty. She probably felt she needed an intermediary. Your reaction proves she was probably right. The fact that you needed anybody to point out to you that she might not be up to attending should give you pause for thought alone.

Stop being so petty and self absorbed

thefeatheredcat

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

Then I would have to ask, if you can offer understanding of her not going to the wedding, why have you stated previously to her friend, that you would never get over it if your sister didn't go?

Even if it is from someone you barely know, she is her friend and perhaps she has been also consoling your sister and given what might have been a difficult task in telling you that, when your sister felt unable to deal with it? In your sister's position if she has been acting out her bereavement, she might not have wanted to be in a position of saying something hurtful or mean to you, in the heat of the moment, or feeling pressured to change her mind or to having to deal with someone else's disappointment. It might hurt for you that your sister isn't going to be at your wedding, but to be quite frank, she doesn't need to hear that from you, that it hurts you that she won't be there. That's just going to make her feel guilty, make her feel worse about her situation, even cause harm and damage because it has been both expressed (directly or indirectly to her) it would hurt you and you would never get over it! There is such a thing as tact. She doesn't need to know you feel this way; if anything she needs to know that her not going is going to be accepted and that you're not going to hold it against her or resent her for not going.

If your original idea was to cancel the wedding but you family said it should go ahead, with then your sister's announcement of not going, perhaps the what you saw in your mother (unless you have discussed her reaction to your sister and what she said at the time, afterwards) was disappointment and might be that she is worried about her, that she is not going along with normal activities and life continuing on as normal and that might have been the plan she had in helping her daughter to grieve and move forward which might be failing, rather than a means to make drama?

I think you really need to take a big step back and try and see things from your sister's point of view, and of the view of others around you. Unless you have specifically discussed how your mother reacted to your sister not going or how in her view she is doing, then do not assume anything, even an emotion on your mother's behalf to the whole situation, simply because you might be reading her thoughts, her feelings quite wrong and interpreting something very different from the whole situation.