My partner wont leave my son with anyone.

LegacyUser

Hi Fellow Boardsies,

It’s my first time over in this neck of the site. I have an account here for 10+ years but find this so embarrassing that I can’t have people knowing who I am.
I am with my partner (from another country) for 4 years and we have a 2.5 year old son. Since the day he was born my partner has never left him alone with anyone. She cooks, cleans, and follows him around all day.

As a small baby when my family would visit she would take him to the room and pretend to breast feed him so they could not bond. She is does not like anyone in my family although have never been anything but nice to her. She will not let my parents who are 60+ mind him even for an hour so we can go shopping or even catch lunch. I really want my son to know his grandparents but she will not allow it. She will not even let him wear clothes my family but him.

My son is behind in his talking, and comprehension of things because she will not socialise him. She will not let us take him to parent and toddler groups classes or let him play with kids in the park. I have asked her in the nicest way to speak with someone or a doctor. She has no friend in Ireland and refuses to make some. She has everything she wants with my son and I and says she could not be happier. On the other hand I have not seen my friends outside of work in 3 years as she will accuse me of cheating. I see my family twice a month and all they want is to bond with my son but that is not allowed. We have not gone to the cinema, dinner, away for a day even to the zoo since ds was born. I am at breaking point. I could walk out the door in the morning and never go back my life is being made hell by her as my family are so hurt and I am caught in the middle.

Please advise, and remember I have tried to talk, get her to see a doc etc but she says she could not be happier.
Thanks,
Popz

CaraMay

The child is 50% yours so how can you not be allowed???? Grow a pair and take the kids to see your parents.

Merkin

PopzWithAProblem wrote: »

Please advise, and remember I have tried to talk, get her to see a doc etc but she says she could not be happier.

That's all well and good but she is actually stunting your child's development as well as depriving him of that really special relationship shared by tots and their grandparents.

It honestly sounds like she needs professional help and while there is obviously some psychological issues at play here YOU also have equal responsibility for the parenting of YOUR child.It's up to you to start taking the child to see your extended family and to attend social events which will allow him to socialize with other little ones.

As it stands, the status quo is in no way sustainable. What happens when the kid reaches school going age, is she going to lock him under the stairs?

LegacyUser

OP does she allow you any alone time with the child? Have any of her own family come to visit since the child was born at all?

It sounds very unhealthy and you say you can already see the effect it's happening on the childs development. I understand you want to try and work with her and not cause upset but I'm with CaraMay on this, pick the child up and walk out of the house with them. The longer you allow this behavior to continue the bigger the impact it will have on the child and the harder it will be to break the cycle. As hurtful as keeping him away from your family is I'd be more concerned with the lack of interaction with other kids, what is she planning to do when he starts school?

What is stopping you from being more assertive about the rising of the child? Are you afraid she will take the child and try and go to her own country? She legally can't do that and while there is a risk she may react badly and your marriage could be at risk but honestly you have to put the welfare of the child above everything and it doesn't sound like your having much a decent life as it stands right now. The child need to be interacting with more then two people!

Your wife may not want to talk to your GP but there is nothing stopping you talking to your GP and asking for advice. You need to speak to your wife much more forcefully and make her aware of the damage she is causing the child with her actions. If you've a good relationship with your GP perhaps ask them about a home visit to check the childs development or ask your GP to refer someone from HSC to come check the child. If your wife doesn't want to seek help that's her choice, but Your focus should be on the childs health and development

LegacyUser

TBH I am on egg shells she goes home to her homeland for 8 weeks at a time every few months and I think if I upset the status quo she will not bring him back to me. I understand that it is my responsibility but I swear I can not even have him on my own. She needs to be with him 24/7. She sleeps with him in his room. I sleep on my own in our room. 7 nights a week. When he goes for a nap, she goes for a nap. When he baths she baths. It is like i do not have a partner any more. If I upset it she could take him next time she goes home and not come back.

Neyite

Could some of this, or an element of this be cultural OP? my thinking is that say, a form of attachment parenting might be the norm where she comes from but because she has no peers or friends of her own here, its her own skewed version of it, and she has no comparisons or friends to compare to.

Are you married? Do you have guardianship? What you can do about this situation is limited by that.

Does she ever bring him to a GP or public health nurse? if so, could you privately have a word with those professionals so that they can pop in unexpectedly or see if they can give you any avenues to help.

Will she discuss this with you at all. What happens when you try to suggest you go for a walk alone with him or that you give him his bath? What's her reaction?

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Could some of this, or an element of this be cultural OP? my thinking is that say, a form of attachment parenting might be the norm where she comes from but because she has no peers or friends of her own here, its her own skewed version of it, and she has no comparisons or friends to compare to.

Are you married? Do you have guardianship? What you can do about this situation is limited by that.

Does she ever bring him to a GP or public health nurse? if so, could you privately have a word with those professionals so that they can pop in unexpectedly or see if they can give you any avenues to help.

Will she discuss this with you at all. What happens when you try to suggest you go for a walk alone with him or that you give him his bath? What's her reaction?

Op here. We are not married. I am not sure what guardianship is in my situation. I own my own house she lives here with me for two months goes home for two months comes back and goes again so essentially they live with me half the year but split up in two month segments.

If I try to bring him places she says he will get sick if we take him out it's to cold it's to wet etc my brother has two kids who we never see although they are the same age as when he used to make the effort to call my partner would ignore the adults or just take my son to the room to breast feed which I now know was a way to get away from my family.

You say she tells you she is perfectly happy with how things are. What does she say when you tell her you are unhappy? I think instead of putting the focus on her and her behaviour or even on the baby, you could try talk about the personal cost to your happiness in all this. Perhaps she's got some level of pnd and can only cope with it when she's with the baby, but it doesn't seem like it. Her disregard for the baby's development is concerning, and I would urge you to speak privately with the public health nurse about your concerns before his next developmental check. The nurse can then be very specific about concerns and how to address them through greater socialisation to your partner.

If she won't get help and is immune to appeals to make your life happier, it's a very difficult situation. The fact she takes the baby abroad and seems to regard him as her sole property is worrying, and I would suggest that you visit a citizens advice centre or consult a solicitor for advice, not because I think you should split, but so that you are armed if any threats are made when the status quo is upset in the future. I'm sorry if that sounds very negative, but you have to protect both yourself and the baby against this tendency to unreasonable behaviour.

Tell her she's harming the baby and harming your relationship. Her reaction should guide you to the right path in dealing with it, and deal with it you must, for the sake of the baby who isn't meeting his milestones. He deserves better, so do you.

Tokyo

OP, there seems to be a bigger issue at stake here than just your child that goes beyond a cultural difference or being an overprotective mother - with her stopping anybody from going near your 2 year old, coupled with the fact that you can't go anywhere lest she assumes that you are cheating on her, it's safe to say that she has serious trust issues in general - it's only becoming obvious to everybody now because the child is extending how she treats you onto everybody else.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but there is no way you can personally force upon her that she can trust you, or your family. As you pointed out, you’ve done nothing to earn her mistrust. You acquiesce to her every wish, you have abandoned your friends, even your family, in order to keep her happy, but that isn’t enough. Her anxiety about what you do and how you act isn't your fault. It is coming from somewhere inside her, and only she can change that.

My main concern is that her level of suspicion and mistrust and distancing you from your own child, and her attempts to control you as the solution to this problem will only get worse as time goes by. As it stands, she is already isolating you from your friends, isolating your child from you and your family. She is manipulating you, pure and simple. I'm not surprised that you feel like you are walking on eggshells - something here is very, very wrong.

You say that your partner goes back to visit her family 8 weeks at a time every few months - that in itself is far too excessive if you are both parents to this child. Have you ever visited her family with the child? Is her behaviour any different in how she lets your child relate to HER family, as opposed to how she allows the child to interact with your family??

I hate to say it, but TBH, it sounds like your relationship is in a pretty bad place. She disappears off home for two months at a time, with your child. She controls everything you do when she's in Ireland. And now your child has become a bargaining chip in all of this. If you are to stay together as a couple, then it sounds like she needs some professional help if she is to continue being your partner. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells to keep her from being upset, or God forbid, running off with your child in tow. I know that she has rejected any discussion of the issue, but you need to continue to talk to her and see if you can both resolve this, perhaps with the aid of professionals. Otherwise, if I were in your shoes, I'd honestly be looking at what my legal rights are as a father, in terms of her disappearing and taking the child with her. Good luck...

LegacyUser

Op here

We are not married. I am not 100% how guardianship works? I own a house here since before we met. They come over from her homeland and stay with me for 8 weeks go “home” for 8 weeks come back for 8 weeks go “home” for 8weeks. I pay for all the flights as she does not work. I can not go on like this anymore.

I am sure my family are all talking about me behind my back but I am doing everything I can to keep this relationship going and my son under my roof and not at the other side of the world. Where she comes from it is not uncommon for multiple generations to live under one roof this is why I cannot understand that if her mum has a relationship with him every 8 weeks why cant mine see him for an hour or so every two weeks.
If I say oh il take him to town/for a walk/to the park/to my mum she says oh it’s to cold/wet/he will get sick/I will come too (except to my mums of course) Bath time is totally off limits for me to do it as its their routine. They both bath and she goes to bed with him at 8.30 I only get home from work at 6. I honestly don’t think we have a relationship and she thinks it is perfect.

Maybe I am not the best father I grew up in rural Ireland where my uncles aunts granny neighbours mother and father brothers and sisters reared us all. I don’t know what attachment parenting is but I will read up on it to see if what I am experiencing is elements of this. Financially I am broke paying for these visits but like I say if this goes wrong she might just not come back to me on her next trip home.

I would also add that since his role as a partner and his role as a father has been removed from him, his sole role now seems to be provider. I assume you finance the trips home to her parents? That should stop, you don't exist to support her in indulging her paranoia and control. She isn't contributing to your partnership in any way at all, and if you need to wield the only power you have over the situation to get her to listen, then that's what you have to do.

I'm very sorry you're in this position. I knew a man who endured something similar and the stress of living with it day-to-day was huge, and the relief of resolving it was incalculable. I hope that comes to you too.

Neyite

From your last post, it reads more like that from her point of view your relationship is over and that she resides abroad, bringing the baby over for shared custody/visitation. Most odd.

The ugly truth of it OP, its that being unmarried, you have few legal rights and if you have not gone to a solicitor and arranged guardianship, then you have no say in the child's life. Theoretically, if anything happened to your girlfriend, her next of kin gets her child, not you. I'm not married and if anything happened to me, my mother would get my child, the father has no claim in law, unless there is guardianship in place.

I would suggest finding out the legal side of things from a solicitor. What your rights and obligations are, if you are considered legally co-habiting (as after 3 years with a child she is entitled to a share of owned assets)

With regard to your son's speech, if she is not from an english speaking country and only talks to him in their native language I can see why he would be slow at english.

CaraMay

You need to sort out the guardianship of your child and then you can stop her leaving the country with him. This should have been your first priority when you figured she could not be trusted.

LegacyUser

Op Here:
I am going to swing by my mother’s on my way home this evening and sit down with my mum and dad and read this thread with them, from there we can make a plan to lay down some ground rules go to a solicitor etc. I am so sickened after reading all of this I am at my wits end, I don’t think I mentioned that we are both late 30’s this could sound like a teenage strop. I will follow up here tonight when they go to bed.

Emme

PopzWithAProblem wrote: »

Op here

We are not married. I am not 100% how guardianship works? I own a house here since before we met. They come over from her homeland and stay with me for 8 weeks go “home” for 8 weeks come back for 8 weeks go “home” for 8weeks. I pay for all the flights as she does not work. I can not go on like this anymore.

I am sure my family are all talking about me behind my back but I am doing everything I can to keep this relationship going and my son under my roof and not at the other side of the world. Where she comes from it is not uncommon for multiple generations to live under one roof this is why I cannot understand that if her mum has a relationship with him every 8 weeks why cant mine see him for an hour or so every two weeks.
If I say oh il take him to town/for a walk/to the park/to my mum she says oh it’s to cold/wet/he will get sick/I will come too (except to my mums of course) Bath time is totally off limits for me to do it as its their routine. They both bath and she goes to bed with him at 8.30 I only get home from work at 6. I honestly don’t think we have a relationship and she thinks it is perfect.

Maybe I am not the best father I grew up in rural Ireland where my uncles aunts granny neighbours mother and father brothers and sisters reared us all. I don’t know what attachment parenting is but I will read up on it to see if what I am experiencing is elements of this. Financially I am broke paying for these visits but like I say if this goes wrong she might just not come back to me on her next trip home.

You are being had by your partner and her family. Even though you are not married you do know your partner might have the right to claim 50% of your property under common law? As things are her family are living with you for a substantial part of the year - do you pay for their subsistence?

You, as the father of the child, are not being allowed to participate in his upbringing. Your partner is not allowing your family contact with him. Your role has diminished to financial provider and little else.

You're going to have to play hardball because that's what your partner has been doing, albeit in a very subtle way. You could start by refusing to pay for her flights to her home country. Organise renovations in your house while her family are over here so it's not too cosy for them. Get a friend in who has DIY skills and get him or her to stomp around and generally make noise and a mess. Do you pay for your partner's flights over as well, if so stop doing that altogether. Stop being a walking ATM for your partner's family.

Why can't your partner work? Has she good English and if not is she bothered to improve her language skills? Poor language skills might be one reason she's holding on to her child so much but if she wants to improve her English she will have to let you care for the child while she takes classes.

To be honest I don't think there are any excuses for her behavior. She and her family are taking you and your family for fools.

That is why it is most important for you to get good legal advice on your rights as a father. It might not be any harm to get advice on your property rights as well. You may not intend ending this relationship but half of your property might provide a nice little nest in Ireland for her, her child and her parents.

Oryx

Do you want her back from when she goes abroad, or just your son? Because it is hard to see if you actually have, or want, a relationship with her.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry OP, but I believe that you are being deliberately bled dry financially, and that she will take your child to her home country, where she will ask you to finance her and your child living with her family.

I don't mean to be cruel in saying the above, but it is honestly my take on it. It's not even any of the individual things you've said - it's all of them combined; you having a house, pregnant very early in the relationship, not working, controlling you and isolating you to keep you on your toes re access to your child - and financing her family coming and going. Legal advice is an absolute must.

LegacyUser

Would it be really bad of me to say - do not ever pay for her flights "home" again?


Sorry if I offend but honestly, this situation doesnt look good, if I was in your shoes I wouldnt be paying for her to feck off "home"

You cant even bring your child to the shops but she can go off back to her country?? Nope, sorry I may seem a bit heartless but I wouldnt be having any of that. Tough if she doesnt have a job, that's not your problem. You arent married to her so in my opinion you arent obliged to pay for her to go home every 8 weeks.

You know what to do now, I wish you the very very best of luck by the way!

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

You are being had by your partner and her family. Even though you are not married you do know your partner might have the right to claim 50% of your property under common law? As things are her family are living with you for a substantial part of the year - do you pay for their subsistence?

You, as the father of the child, are not being allowed to participate in his upbringing. Your partner is not allowing your family contact with him. Your role has diminished to financial provider and little else.

You're going to have to play hardball because that's what your partner has been doing, albeit in a very subtle way. You could start by refusing to pay for her flights to her home country. Organise renovations in your house while her family are over here so it's not too cosy for them. Get a friend in who has DIY skills and get him or her to stomp around and generally make noise and a mess. Do you pay for your partner's flights over as well, if so stop doing that altogether. Stop being a walking ATM for your partner's family.

Why can't your partner work? Has she good English and if not is she bothered to improve her language skills? Poor language skills might be one reason she's holding on to her child so much but if she wants to improve her English she will have to let you care for the child while she takes classes.

To be honest I don't think there are any excuses for her behavior. She and her family are taking you and your family for fools.

That is why it is most important for you to get good legal advice on your rights as a father. It might not be any harm to get advice on your property rights as well. You may not intend ending this relationship but half of your property might provide a nice little nest in Ireland for her, her child and her parents.

Her family don't live with us they live in her home country. I support my partner and son and pay for them to visit. I only have 4 weeks holidays a year so can not go with them.

Tokyo

• You are the sole provider
• You pay for flights for her and your kid every 8 weeks
• You pay for flights for entire family to come to Ireland every 8 weeks
• You provide for her entire family while they are in Ireland
• You're flat broke

There's no other way to put this OP, you are being taken for a ride. Of course she thinks your relationship is perfect - you are paying for whatever lifestyle she demands, for her and for her family. Honestly, I try to give the benefit of the doubt in most cases, but you aren't in a relationship, whether you realise it or not. You are being used as a walking cash machine, with your child being used as leverage.

Ask yourself this. Would you stay with her if you didn't have a child together? Or would you tell her to go take a running jump with all of her demands?

My gut feeling on this is that you need to see a solicitor as soon as you can, and figure out what your legal rights and obligations are, back to front. Because from here, it sounds like your 'partner' has you over a barrel, and she knows it, and will happily work you into an early grave as long as you can keep coming up with the money to pay for all that she is requesting.

OP, good luck. I really think legal advice and family back up is the best way to go. The only advice I'd give you is to keep your investigations between yourself and your parents and try to keep things as 'normal' as possible at home, in case she panics and takes off.

Rooting for you here

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

Do you want her back from when she goes abroad, or just your son? Because it is hard to see if you actually have, or want, a relationship with her.

I love my partner very much. but what she is doing is killing me so I can not even answer this question truthfully. but you are right we do not have a relationship.

Neyite

Hmmmmmmm??? wrote: »

Would it be really bad of me to say - do not ever pay for her flights "home" again?


Sorry if I offend but honestly, this situation doesnt look good, if I was in your shoes I wouldnt be paying for her to feck off "home"

You cant even bring your child to the shops but she can go off back to her country?? Nope, sorry I may seem a bit heartless but I wouldnt be having any of that. Tough if she doesnt have a job, that's not your problem. You arent married to her so in my opinion you arent obliged to pay for her to go home every 8 weeks.

You know what to do now, I wish you the very very best of luck by the way!

All the money he has probably sent her, she'd have no problem getting her own flight home or even if she was broke, family would help her I'm sure.
And then she would definitely never return with his child to visit again.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

All the money he has probably sent her, she'd have no problem getting her own flight home or even if she was broke, family would help her I'm sure.
And then she would definitely never return with his child to visit again.

Very very true Neyite

Op - go get this looked into asap.

Have to agree with everyone else here, she's living on cloud nine, at your expense!

kylith

If I were you, OP, I'd discuss the future with her. The child can't be shuttled back and forth like this when he's in school, so talk to her about where the child will be going to school. If it's in her home country then that'll tell you what you need to know and she may well see you as a cashpoint. If the child will be in school in Ireland then you have to put your foot down: he needs to go to a crèche and make friends with kids in the area and he needs a relationship with his Irish family.

Boombastic

I'm open to correction but 2 years in a relationship cohabiting with a child, she may be entitled to half your house etc. Get to a solicitor

Boombastic

Boombastic wrote: »

I'm open to correction but 2 years in a relationship cohabiting with a child, she may be entitled to half your house etc. Get to a solicitor

Hopefully the fact she only lives there half the time means she isn't. He should be able to show how long she spends out of the country since he pays the bills.

Merkin

Do you have a joint account OP? While I'd continue being a good provider with food and comfort etc I would start keeping a reign on the amount of cash that changes hands, start putting away that money yourself for legal advice because you're in dire need of it.

I'm wondering if she has prevented the child from getting attached to anyone in Ireland because it has always been her intention to leave when she's got everything she wanted?

Sorry for the cynicism here OP but I don't think this bodes so well, get yourself to a solicitor.

LegacyUser

Op back again.

Finally broke down tonight in my mums. Two parents in tears I can not believe how much I have hurt them in the last few years they know in love them and I'm in a though place.

My mum thinks we needs to be sensitive so as not to risk losing ds but my dad wants to match us in to the solicitors none if the three of us were aware that I was not a legal guardian that was a real kick in the teeth to us all.especially if anything happened her in the 8 weeks in homeland I'd never get ds out of that country.

Some people asked about joint account only I have an account. We spend money like it's going out of fashion kitchen appliances toys strangely enough not much on herself. As we don't go out no need for dresses make up etc.

I am so thankfull for all your help today. Can anyone confirm that the being attached to the child thing is perhaps cultural?

kylith

kylith wrote: »

If I were you, OP, I'd discuss the future with her. The child can't be shuttled back and forth like this when he's in school, so talk to her about where the child will be going to school. If it's in her home country then that'll tell you what you need to know and she may well see you as a cashpoint. If the child will be in school in Ireland then you have to put your foot down: he needs to go to a crèche and make friends with kids in the area and he needs a relationship with his Irish family.

I think she might have no intention of staying in Ireland with him, and that's why she's not worried about him learning English. I don't think he should discuss the future too much with her until he gets advice, just in case she gets nervous and takes off. Putting his foot down might be the catalyst to bad things, if he's not prepared first.

I know you love your partner OP, but protect yourself before you force her hand.

LegacyUser

Serious number of red flags all over the place from what you've said OP, but I guess to try (hard!) to be fair, has her behaviour changed a lot since the birth of your child? Did she work when you were going out before she became pregnant? Was she always as jealous re you socialising without her? Did she ever try to make friends of her own, or to get along with your friends and family?

Not sure if the answers to the above would change anything really, I guess it might show if she was always as dependent on you and isolating you as much. Which would be worrying if that was the case - it would mean to me that she just cemented her position by having a baby.