Briefly kissed someone else - sick with guilt

LegacyUser

Need to get this out of my head and down somewhere, not looking for sympathy but need to offload.

In brief my friends and I had planned a night out last weekend - my first proper night since early last December. Early drinks, a meal and onto a party. Great night had, lovely to see the friends and catch up. Towards end of night, early hours of th morning, my girlfriend of 10 years had gone to bed and I was sitting up listening to a friends of ours who is having problems with her marriage.

An excessive amount of alcohol had been taking over course of the evening / night, sh*t excuse and one I've always rubbished. We were very drunk, incoherent and sleepy. Next thing I know we have kissed, really briefly, 3 or 4 seconds, no more than that. No passion, no interest, no fumbling, no enjoyment. I realised and straighten myself up in disbelief and head off to bed.

We travelled home the next day, Ive been so sick with shame, disgust and guilt since. The other person involved did not remember, (that I know of), she seemed fine next morning etc.

I am so ashamed of myself, haven't slept right since, feel like crying and cant eat. I have a wonderful, genuinely fabulous partner of 10 years, we live together and have started our family. I cannot believe I would be one of these pr1cks, I've always hated when I've heard these stories about the lads etc.

I love and adore my girlfriend so much, we are very happy together. I cannot believe something so stupid could potentially ruin our lives and home. I'm sick with guilt - I don't want to tell her to make myself feel better, I don't want her to feel any pain over my stupidity.

I don't know what to do. Help.

Grayfoxy

Ive been so sick with shame, disgust and guilt since

So you should,

To be honest, I have no time for stuff like this, kissing, sex, emotion, doesn't make a difference, cheating is cheating in my eyes.

From reading your post, it would seem you are trying to play it down and get a sympathetic view. "Briefly" "incoherent" and "excessive amounts of alcohol", you did what you did, and you have to live with it, and I personally think you should tell your girlfriend what happened.

She will probably go mental, but after 10 years, I doubt she is going to dump you over a kiss. But she deserves to know.

Emme

stupid fool wrote: »

Need to get this out of my head and down somewhere, not looking for sympathy but need to offload.

In brief my friends and I had planned a night out last weekend - my first proper night since early last December. Early drinks, a meal and onto a party. Great night had, lovely to see the friends and catch up. Towards end of night, early hours of th morning, my girlfriend of 10 years had gone to bed and I was sitting up listening to a friends of ours who is having problems with her marriage.

An excessive amount of alcohol had been taking over course of the evening / night, sh*t excuse and one I've always rubbished. We were very drunk, incoherent and sleepy. Next thing I know we have kissed, really briefly, 3 or 4 seconds, no more than that. No passion, no interest, no fumbling, no enjoyment. I realised and straighten myself up in disbelief and head off to bed.

We travelled home the next day, Ive been so sick with shame, disgust and guilt since. The other person involved did not remember, (that I know of), she seemed fine next morning etc.

I am so ashamed of myself, haven't slept right since, feel like crying and cant eat. I have a wonderful, genuinely fabulous partner of 10 years, we live together and have started our family. I cannot believe I would be one of these pr1cks, I've always hated when I've heard these stories about the lads etc.

I love and adore my girlfriend so much, we are very happy together. I cannot believe something so stupid could potentially ruin our lives and home. I'm sick with guilt - I don't want to tell her to make myself feel better, I don't want her to feel any pain over my stupidity.

I don't know what to do. Help.

Are you sure she doesn't remember? If she doesn't remember what happened maybe you don't remember exactly what happened either. Who initiated the kiss? You or her? By the sounds of things it was probably her. You pulled away when it happened.

Your girlfriend might be more upset with your "friend" than with you when she hears what happened. I'd be inclined to keep quiet about it for the moment. You did nothing wrong, you pulled away when you realized what was happening.

I'd give the "friend" a wide berth in the meantime or at least don't be alone in her company. She sounds like trouble.

Tokyo

OP, I don't think you should tell your partner.

I know that's counter to what a lot of people will say, but here's my take on it. You're a decent guy, and so far, a good partner, you did somethign stupid, and now in the aftermath you are wracked with guilt over the whole thing.

But I believe that there are certain circumstances that no good can come from confessing all to your partner. At the moment it's not about making things right, it's about your guilt, and you wanting to feel better about everything. If you tell your partner, she will (rightly so) feel hurt and betrayed,, just so you can feel like a terrible person.

Your decision has to be what is best for both of you, actually her, primarily. And only you can answer that, or can analyse how you feel about the whole thing. If it was, as you put it, nothing more than a brief kiss, and that you "realised and straightened [yourself] up in disbelief", and you are only going to blurt it out to appease your own conscience at the expense of your partners feelings, then honestly, I wouldn't. I'd learn to suck up the guilt and make damn sure I never put myself in that position again. There are no storybook relationships, people aren't perfect, and people make mistakes.

fungun

I generally find it difficult to accept someone bitching to someone of the opposite sex about their marriage as it very easily leads to 'he doesnt understand me like you do' and before you know it, something like what happened you happens. Where you went wrong was staying up and listening to someone like that by yourself when you were drunk.

Anyway, should you tell? If you really have learnt your lesson and this will never happen again then maybe its not necessary that you do. The real way to judge this is what is the likelihood & impact of her finding out without you telling her.

Its a mutual friend who may or may not remember? Yeah Id tell your gf as I would be worried every time they saw each other in case she did remember and got guilty after a few drinks and spilled the beans. Then your gf would not only be mad about it, but more mad about the deceit. Still, only you can judge how likely it is that this will come out.

scarymoon1

Grayfoxy wrote: »

So you should,

To be honest, I have no time for stuff like this, kissing, sex, emotion, doesn't make a difference, cheating is cheating in my eyes.

From reading your post, it would seem you are trying to play it down and get a sympathetic view. "Briefly" "incoherent" and "excessive amounts of alcohol", you did what you did, and you have to live with it, and I personally think you should tell your girlfriend what happened.

She will probably go mental, but after 10 years, I doubt she is going to dump you over a kiss. But she deserves to know.

This is a very black and white answer. Things are never straight forward, if they were we would be all robots. I don't think the op deserves a reply like this.

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

This is a very black and white answer. Things are never straight forward, if they were we would be all robots. I don't think the op deserves a reply like this.

Either he kissed her, or he didn't.

Simple as.

Might seem blunt, but that's my view.

im with mike on this one, listen i think relax, u have learnt your lesson, if you seriously are sorry for what you have done, i say forget about it, it was one silly mistake, but if you feel like it could or would happpen again when drunk or otherwise i think have the decency and break up with her.

whirlpool

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Either he kissed her, or he didn't.

Simple as.

Might seem blunt, but that's my view.

Well my view is that his post hit probably a nerve with you and my view is that your response is as irrational as sin.

whirlpool

OP, to me it sounds like an incident that meant absolutely nothing, and it should be left in the past as the big nothing that it was.

Grayfoxy

whirlpool wrote: »

Well my view is that his post hit probably a nerve with you and my view is that your response is as irrational as sin.

Oh, absolutely, it did hit a nerve.

That's fine, it is your view, but I still think he should tell her, lying to her is just wrong, and there is no two ways about that. Especially after 10 years.

scarymoon1

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Either he kissed her, or he didn't.

Simple as.

Might seem blunt, but that's my view.

People make mistakes. Have you never made a mistake in your life??! The op seems to feel really bad about it and it was a mistake, he is sorry for it!

Grayfoxy

And just one more thing OP, be very careful and think about it long and hard if you are considering taking the advice of "don't tell her", because someday this might (and probably will) come back to bite you. Last thing you want is for your girlfriend to find out from someone else and for her to think you are hiding stuff like this from her. Because if this happens, she is probably going to think to herself "How many times has this happened and him not telling me, or worse"

Grayfoxy

scarymoon1 wrote: »

People make mistakes. Have you never made a mistake in your life??! The op seems to feel really bad about it and it was a mistake, he is sorry for it!

Oh, great, he is sorry for it.

What point is being sorry for something if you don't tell the stakeholders?

scarymoon1

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Oh, great, he is sorry for it.

What point is being sorry for something if you don't tell the stakeholders?

It was a 3 second drunken kiss... Seriously you'd think he had an affair or something. Personally i would say nothing and forget about it and move on. I'm sure they give longer welcoming kisses in France lol!

MagicMarker

Relationships are all about trust and honesty. You've messed up with the trust part, don't carry on by being dishonest about it too.

The last thing you want in this situation is for your GF to find out from someone else, which sounds like a big possibility considering it was her friend you kissed. Do you really think she doesn't remember?? Maybe she'll have a drunken conversation with your girlfriend one night....

Tokyo

I've seen these threads come and go here before over the years, and they all seem to get personal very quickly, with strong stances taken on both sides. Some people will say it was just a kiss, others will want you to burn in hell for being a cheating bastard, most will fall somewhere in the middle.

You already have our different versions of what we would do, but at the end of the day OP, it all comes down to what you feel is the right ting to do, based on your analysis of the situation. And you have to ask yourself whywhy it happened. Drunk or not, is there something more going on in your relationship than you are willing to admit, and was kissing this other person a result? Or was it a case of doing something stupid while drunk, and have you learned your lesson from it???

alias06

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, I don't think you should tell your partner.

I know that's counter to what a lot of people will say, but here's my take on it. You're a decent guy, and so far, a good partner, you did somethign stupid, and now in the aftermath you are wracked with guilt over the whole thing.

But I believe that there are certain circumstances that no good can come from confessing all to your partner. At the moment it's not about making things right, it's about your guilt, and you wanting to feel better about everything. If you tell your partner, she will (rightly so) feel hurt and betrayed,, just so you can feel like a terrible person.

Your decision has to be what is best for both of you, actually her, primarily. And only you can answer that, or can analyse how you feel about the whole thing. If it was, as you put it, nothing more than a brief kiss, and that you "realised and straightened [yourself] up in disbelief", and you are only going to blurt it out to appease your own conscience at the expense of your partners feelings, then honestly, I wouldn't. I'd learn to suck up the guilt and make damn sure I never put myself in that position again. There are no storybook relationships, people aren't perfect, and people make mistakes.

Great post. Exactly what I was going to write.

It was late, you were very drunk, you didn't mean for it to happen, it meant nothing, and you immediately regretted it. Don't let this ruin a great relationship by making it out to be something that it isn't. Don't put yourself in that situation again.

alias06

MagicMarker wrote: »

The last thing you want in this situation is for your GF to find out from someone else, which sounds like a big possibility considering it was her friend you kissed. Do you really think she doesn't remember?? Maybe she'll have a drunken conversation with your girlfriend one night....

If this happens the OP should say she kissed him. Which by the sounds of it is what happened. This other girl was going on about problems in her marriage. It was late, they were both drunk. He didn't mean for anything to happen. He doesn't know how it happened but they kissed for a few seconds and he was shocked and disgusted. If it ever comes out he should say she kissed him and he wanted nothing to do with her. Which is probably very close, if not what actually did happen anyway. End of story.

It would be crazy to let this ruin a 10 year relationship.

MagicMarker

alias06 wrote: »

If this happens the OP should say she kissed him. Which by the sounds of it is what happened. This other girl was going on about problems in her marriage. It was late, they were both drunk. He didn't mean for anything to happen. He doesn't know how it happened but they kissed for a few seconds and he was shocked and disgusted. If it ever comes out he should say she kissed him and he wanted nothing to do with her. Which is probably very close, if not what actually did happen anyway. End of story.

It would be crazy to let this ruin a 10 year relationship.

You have no idea who kissed who.

Advocating possibly lying to cover up a lie does not a healthy relationship make.

cookiecakes

OP I would tell your girlfriend. She mightn't care..She might scream the house down. But if you love her as much as you say you do to in this post, she deserves to know the truth. Although you think this ''friend'' forgets, she might not and she might tell one person..and then they tell two friends and then they tell two friends etc. and before you know it, your girlfriend is the laughing stock of your mates and the only one left in the dark. You did it. Yes it's crappy and you feel terrible but lying about it won't make you feel better. You'll always wonder whether you're mate is gonna let it slip when she has a few drinks on her or whatever.

alias06

MagicMarker wrote: »

You have no idea who kissed who.

Advocating possibly lying to cover up a lie does not a healthy relationship make.

There is a great episode of Yes Minister where Humphrey is explaining to Bernard about writing the minutes of a meeting. Everyone around the table has a different recollection of what happened. Therefore, only what is formally written down in the minutes by the civil servants is officially what took place. The minutes are carefully crafted to ensure certain version of events is recorded.

Here there is no written record. Only his word and this other women. Each will have a different recollection of what happened.

Now what we do know is this:

• The OP is in a loving relationship with his girlfriend for over 10 years. They live together and have started a family.
• Until this incident he has not been unfaithful in that time and has never wanted to be.
• After a party (his girlfriend had gone to bed) he was talking to a female friend. They were both drunk. It was very late. She was telling him about problems in their marriage. They kissed for a few seconds. The OP doesn't know how it happened and he is shocked and disgusted with himself.

To me it sounds like this women kissed him. She was telling him about problems in her marriage. He didn't want anything to do with her. How does he know that this isn't what happened? It was late and they were drunk.

Morality isn't black and white. The OP wanted nothing to do with this and he can't let it ruin an otherwise great relationship. Nothing is to be gained by bringing this out into the light of day. By telling his partner about it he would be making this into something that it is not. As another poster said when you say hello to a girl in France you would kiss her for longer than that. Forget about it.

Lesson learnt for the OP - don't put yourself in these situations.

Paulie Gualtieri

Dont tell her . it won't come back to haunt you its not like you had sex . a brief drunken kiss that meant nothing . so what . big deal. If you love your partner you won't tell her simply because you will put doubt in her mind that will last forever and she will think why is he telling me this is it because he has doubts about us etc etc. And everything will fall apart. Just ignore the holyier than thou brigade. And move on . I by the way hate cheaters but a stupid kiss that meant nothing and was drunken and brief. Have a mug of tea and forget about it. Or you'll make your life a misery over nothing.

MagicMarker

alias06 wrote: »

There is a great episode of Yes Minister where Humphrey is explaining to Bernard about writing the minutes of a meeting. Everyone around the table has a different recollection of what happened. Therefore, only what is formally written down in the minutes by the civil servants is officially what took place. The minutes are carefully crafted to ensure certain version of events is recorded.

Here there is no written record. Only his word and this other women.

Now what we do know is this:

• The OP is in a loving relationship with his girlfriend for over 10 years. They live together and have started a family.
• Until this incident he has not been unfaithful in that time and has never wanted to be.
• After a party (his girlfriend had gone to bed) he was talking to a female friend. They were both drunk. It was very late. She was telling him about problems in their marriage. They kissed for a few seconds. The OP doesn't know how it happened and he is shocked and disgusted with himself.

To me it sounds like this women kissed him. She was telling him about problems in her marriage. He didn't want anything to do with her. How does he know that this isn't what happened? It was late and they were drunk.

Morality isn't black and white. The OP wanted nothing to do with this and he can't let it ruin an otherwise great relationship. Nothing is to be gained by bringing this out into the light of day. By telling his partner about it he would be making this into something that it is not. As another poster said when you say hello to a girl in France you would kiss her for longer than that. Forget about it.

Lesson learnt for the OP - don't put yourself in these situations.

You can use as many bulletpoints as you want, you still have no clue who kissed who.

I've already provided a very valid reason why he should come clean about it. The OP cannot know for certain that this woman does not remember this happening, she could very well come clean to her husband or to the OPs girlfriend.

Given how the OP has described events, I may well be understanding if I was in the gf's shoes, and be willing to forget about it. I most definitely wouldn't be understanding if I found out from someone else, I would feel like I've been made a fool of and I would be devastated that my OH didn't even have the guts to be upfront and honest with me about it.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks for all the opinons and replies, I don’t mind the barrage – I wouldn’t post here if I wsa angling for something I’d rather hear. I feel like such a sh1te and so bad about it. Alcohol is a crap excuse and I know that, but god, its so true that none of this would have happened if I wasn’t drinking to that level. My partner is genuinely my best friend and we have a lovely relationship. To say Im disgusted, shocked that I’ve done something that would kill her is an under statement, I’ve been sixk ever since.

Lesson learned, I cant tell her, I don’t want her to know. I’ll work through my stupidness and just bloody make sure nothing like this ever happens again, laying off drunken nights for a start. Thanks for your replies, Im not a bad person but I know I have done an awful thing and I don’t deny that at all. 3 stupid bloody seconds and my whole world nearly blown out of the water, what an eejit.

alias06

MagicMarker wrote: »

You can use as many bulletpoints as you want, you still have no clue who kissed who.

Of course I don't know who kissed who. But if it helps the OP move on from this then that's how he should remember it.

MagicMarker wrote: »

I've already provided a very valid reason why he should come clean about it. The OP cannot know for certain that this woman does not remember this happening, she could very well come clean to her husband or to the OPs girlfriend.

Come clean about what? You'd swear the OP had a full blown affair. There is no real infidelity here. The OP loves his partner and has no interest in this other women.

Ultimately I think its up to the OP to decide if he should tell his partner about this silly incident. Personally I think it would do more harm than good. By telling her about it he is going to create a huge issue out of nothing.

Emme

MagicMarker wrote: »

You have no idea who kissed who.

Advocating possibly lying to cover up a lie does not a healthy relationship make.

If the OP doesn't know who kissed who then what's the point in saying anything? If he says he kissed the "friend" he may or may not be lying.

I really think it's best to say nothing in this case.

If the "friend" does tell than there's a chance she initiated the kiss and wants to cause trouble in the OP's relationship.

The OP shouldn't have stayed up talking to the "friend" when his girlfriend went to bed. If the "friend" had any decency in her she would have taken this as a hint that it was time to go home.

MagicMarker

Emme wrote: »

If the OP doesn't know who kissed who then what's the point in saying anything? If he says he kissed the "friend" he may or may not be lying.

Look, I don't care who kissed who, who kissed who is irrelevant to me and has no influence on my reasons for why the OP should be honest with his girlfriend, reasons which I've made perfectly clear. It's people advocating that the OP lie to his girlfriend who are using this as part of their rationale.

helloworld15

Tell her, of course you feel guilty but keeping this from her will only make you feel worse.
I believe there should be total honestly in relatioships...
She will prob go ballistic but deserves to know the truth. If you love her as much as you say you do you would not want to keep anything from her whatever the outcome.

alias06

MagicMarker wrote: »

It's people advocating that the OP lie to his girlfriend who are using this as part of their rationale.

I'm not advocating that he lie to his girlfriend. Just that he say nothing. Because nothing really happened. If he tells his girlfriend she will have to go through all the emotions - does he really love me, is there something going on with this other girl, is there something more he is not telling me, etc. etc. She will be asking "why is he telling me this?" He will have to spend hours convincing her that nothing really happened, that it meant nothing, etc. etc. Which is true. Nothing really happened here. He loves his partner and has no interest in the other girl. End of story. Lesson learnt.

MagicMarker

alias06 wrote: »

I'm not advocating that he lie to his girlfriend. Just that he say nothing. Because nothing really happened. If he tells his girlfriend she will have to go through all the emotions - does he really love me, is there something going on with this other girl, is there something more he is not telling me, etc. etc. She will be asking "why is he telling me this?" He will have to spend hours convincing her that nothing really happened, that it meant nothing, etc. etc. Which is true. Nothing really happened here. He loves his partner and has no interest in the other girl. End of story. Lesson learnt.

Except that something did happen, and saying nothing about it is a form of lying. You can try and rationalize your point of view any way you like, the facts remain the same.