Gift thrown back in my face

LegacyUser · 31-01-2014 8:46pm #1

A friend of mine is going through some difficult personal stuff at the moment so to cheer him up I bought him a voucher for a restuarant I know he likes from one of the daily deal websites. I had it emailed to him directly as he lives in another part of the country. Didn't hear back from him but put it down to the fact he had a lot on his plate.

That was earlier this month and just the other day I was talking to his sister, asked if he had used the voucher as there is an expiry date and she went into a "don't tell him I told you this but" and told me that he had binned the voucher. Apparently vouchers from deal websites are tacky and he wouldn't be seen dead handing one over which surprised me as myself and my partner use them quite a bit.

Should I say something to him?

I feel quite pissed off with his attitude, I spent quite a bit of money on the voucher and he knows I'm not exactly flush at the minute. I would like to give the voucher to someone else who will use it or even use it myself but I can't ask without breaking the confidence.

Any suggestions?

Tokyo · 31-01-2014 8:57pm

Write it off as a lesson learned.

There's no good way to call him out on it, and there's no good way to ask for it back either. You've learned that your friend (a) can't take a minute out of his schedule to say thank you for a gift, and (b) he has airs and graces about something that was effectively a good deed done for him by a considerate friend. Don't bring it up, but don't put yourself out there for him again either.

thegreatgonzo · 31-01-2014 9:52pm

Have you contacted groupon or whoever it was and see if they can cancel his and send it to you instead? What an ungrateful arrogant ass!

Boombastic · 31-01-2014 9:56pm

ask him straight out what he did with the voucher, in a nice way..

IrishEyes19 · 31-01-2014 10:36pm

Is there any chance someone else used it for example his sister, and made up the lie. It's just so bizarre, I've gotten gifts like that before and been delighted to use them, its very common, thats the reason restaurants issue them for god sake

I also wouldnt hide the fact that this happened,thats an appalling thing to do and Id be very hurt by it.

Its also very bizarre that they didnt ring you or pretend they liked it, if you are any way respectable thats what I would do even if I hated the gift. its very strange op

Fairytots · 31-01-2014 10:36pm

What an ass! I'd confront him about it and make sure he knew I was angry, sack him as a friend for a while, at least until you calm down a bit. Use the voucher yourself, like you said moneys a bit tight for you, im sure you and your partner could do with a yummy meal and night out instead!

IrishEyes19 · 31-01-2014 10:43pm

does anyone not think this behaviour is odd, surely they would have said they got it and said thanks regardless. I think someone else used it, OP,and you are being lied to

Czarcasm · 31-01-2014 10:55pm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

does anyone not think this behaviour is odd, surely they would have said they got it and said thanks regardless. I think someone else used it, OP,and you are being lied to

Some people are just ungrateful IrishEyes (I want to say "up their own arse holes", but that's below PI standard posting), and this chap sounds like one of those people. It'd be far more unusual if the OP's friend went to the trouble of printing out the voucher and giving it to someone else to use, when they couldn't even be bothered to send the OP a quick email to say thank you for a genuinely thoughtful gesture.

As mike said earlier OP, I'd chalk this one down and learn from it. Your friend can't be that bad if he looks down his nose at a thoughtful gesture like that and it doesn't even occur to him to acknowledge the gesture even if he didn't want to use the voucher. He should be aware too that you're not exactly having it easy yourself.

I'd re-evaluate your friendship if I were you tbh, because while you were thinking about him, all he was thinking about was himself.

Carrie Madshaw · 31-01-2014 11:19pm

What for a sweet gesture. Don't mind him, that's really ungrateful and he sounds like a complete snob. Who cares if he thinks vouchers are tacky, you're gesture was far from tacky and that's what should have been highlighted for him.
Wish I had a friend like you ffs!!

Eeden · 31-01-2014 11:39pm

Why would his sister say that? She must have known that you wouldn't be happy to hear that. That was pretty nasty of her.

Merkin · 31-01-2014 11:43pm

Why are you even friends with this person? It sounds like such a lovely, thoughtful gesture and for him not to even say thank you is shocking!

The throwing it in the bin part is just ODD behaviour, I smell a rat.

Santa Cruz · 01-02-2014 9:36am

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Have you contacted groupon or whoever it was and see if they can cancel his and send it to you instead? What an ungrateful arrogant ass!

If he is too proud to be seen using a voucher the ungrateful man could have passed it on. Reminds me of the people who are so full of themselves that they would not take a loan from the Credit Union as they prefer to deal with proper banks.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2014 12:20pm

Thanks for all the feedback, have decided to ask him about it and see what he says. I wasn't really expecting a reply to sending out the voucher but his comments are out of character which makes me think his personal issues have escalated since I spoke to him last. The voucher itself doesn't really matter, it was only 50 euros and I can get past that if he's in too bad a place to want to use it. If its just a general attitude problem then at least I will know and can decide what to do from there. Thanks again.

LegacyUser · 01-02-2014 3:09pm

To be honest, I wouldn't waste anymore energy on it.
Something similar happened to me recently with a so called friend. This wasn't the first time I was let down by this person and should have been wiser. I went out of my way to help them with a prospective job as they are currently out of work. I was told in no uncertain terms that they didn't need my F'n help and a string of other nasty things. I have since cut ties as I don't believe in being a complete and utter doormat.

tinkerbell · 01-02-2014 4:40pm

OP, it's not "only" 50 euro. That's a LOT of money to be spending - your friend sounds like an ungrateful twat and I would be seriously questioning the friendship. You did something nice for him and he throws it in the bin? Lovely. Defo think it's a good idea to talk to him first and then see where to go from there.

DoozerT6 · 01-02-2014 4:51pm

Why on earth would his sister tell you that??? Why wouldn't she just lie and say that she didn't know, or that he didn't mention it? That is an utterly silly thing to tell someone.

That aside, if he did bin the voucher, well then if the personal stuff he is going through is making him act out of character, maybe it is something you could put down to experience and move past it, if he is a very good friend. If you think he just did it because he is a snob, only you can decide if you want to remain friends with someone who would discard a thoughtful gesture like that with such disdain.

Edit: I just saw your post two above mine, so it looks like we are on the same wavelength about it

seriously though, I would wonder about his sister's motivations....she's either a very silly person, or a rather nasty person.

IrishEyes19 · 01-02-2014 5:44pm

It's a good idea to chat to him. I seriously dont buy that its as simple as binning it. Do you mean, he deleted it in the computer bin or did he actually print and bin it? Its so bizarre. As is his sisters behaviour. How did you word the email, is it possible he took offense. its so odd.

Like why would he print it and then bin it? Id want answers on this one.Its so weird

MagicMarker · 01-02-2014 6:19pm

Is the value of the voucher obvious if you sent it as a gift? Is it possible he didn't know that you had spent money on it?

Vojera · 01-02-2014 6:44pm

Definitely say it to him. It doesn't need to be confrontational, but from what I understand he hasn't acknowledged the fact that you sent him the gift at all, so you can easily just say "Oh, by the way I sent you a gift via email a while ago but I never heard anything from you so I just wanted to double-check you received it before I get onto the company to see what happened".

See what happens from there. If he has an ounce of decency he'll mumble some thanks and you can ask again in a few weeks if he has used it "as you don't want him to miss the expiration date".

If he says anything along the lines of what his sister has told you, you can express your disappointment and ask for it back so someone else can use it.

Ciaran_B · 02-02-2014 12:48am

So he printed out the voucher just to throw it in bin? Makes no sense. He'd just delete it from his inbox surely.

There's something fishy about this whole thing.

strandroad · 02-02-2014 1:02am

Ciaran_B wrote: »

So he printed out the voucher just to throw it in bin? Makes no sense. He'd just delete it from his inbox surely.

There's something fishy about this whole thing.

Binned as in deleted that email I guess.

Ham Sambo · 02-02-2014 1:25am

50 euro? I am sure that 50 euro would go some way to filling your car with diesel, he was way out of order, and to be honest his sister was no better, what satisfaction was she supposed to get by telling you this, I would ask him for the 50 euro back and I would tell his sister where to go. At least make him aware that you know what he did.

Tokyo · 02-02-2014 1:26am

I don't buy into the big conspiracy theory that's beginning to evolve here TBH. I still believe it's a simple case of the OP's friend being too up his own **** to use a discount voucher, so binned the email, and his sister was foolish enough or gossipy enough to spill the beans.

I'd personally write it off as a lesson learned, but if the OP really does want to pose the question to his friend, then tell the friend that the site he bought the voucher from has sent him a reminder email because the voucher hasn't been used and is about to expire. And then gauge the reaction.

LegacyUser · 02-02-2014 3:35pm

op you cant deal with someone who is suicidal. what if he tries to to do something again? you will be left feeling like sh*t. you arent a counsellor

freshpopcorn · 02-02-2014 5:26pm

The bit I find odd is why did the sister tell you to he honest.
I've often seen people getting vouchers and not using them so it does happen. Even before Christmas I heard that a large amount of vouchers go un used so this might be one of the reasons why this happens.
Even if you give somebody a gift, they might not like it and put it in a cupboard and never look at/use it.

Matteroffact · 02-02-2014 8:34pm

I have a feeling that he must have thought that you got this voucher for free and didn't want to use it yourself and so passed it on to him. That is the only explanation that would justify him throwing it in the bin. I would write to him again and just say that you spent 50 euro on a voucher for him and that you would hate to think that it got lost somewhere along the line and ask him again did he get it. His sister telling you that he threw it in the bin is very uncivil of her. I don't think that either of them realize how much you spent on it, otherwise why would they be so hurtful

LegacyUser · 06-02-2014 3:01am

Lots of places with voucher deals do make it quite difficult for you to spend it - restrictions about when you can use it, asking when you ring to book something if you are using a voucher - and not telling you available times until you say whether you're paying by voucher or not (I had this experience myself - with a place that's since gone out of business. Their attitude towards customers with vouchers was appalling.)

Maybe if he's feeling very low, the place you got the voucher for treated him like this, and he binned it out of frustration? Not offering an excuse for him - just a possibility! I know when I dealt with *that place* I didn't have a voucher - but they drove me so nuts about it that I'd never deal with them again! Like I said, they went out of business after. I wonder why?!?

Paddy Cow · 06-02-2014 3:16pm

I would definitely find out from him if he's going to use it. €50 is a lot to spend on a gift, especially as it was a pick-me-up, rather than a christmas or birthday one. If he's not going to use it, then he should tell you so you can try and get the money back or use it yourself.

07-02-2014 10:45am

If this guy does have the kind of problems that the OP is describing, then it could explain his actions and his irrational behaviour. It's not nice, but how many people who have gone through hard times can say they haven't done anything similar? Just take it as a lesson learned, OP. I too would question why the sister said anything to you at all, bar to just spread gossip and cause drama.

freshpopcorn · 07-02-2014 11:12am

Lots of people get gifts and they have no interest/don't like them be it a physical gift/voucher. This is because everybody has different taste. Sometimes gifts a re gifted/put away and out of sight/thrown away. These are one of the risks you take when you give somebody a gift.

Vojera · 07-02-2014 11:15am

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Lots of people get gifts and they have no interest/don't like them be it a physical gift/voucher. This is because everybody has different taste. Sometimes gifts a re gifted/put away and out of sight/thrown away. These are one of the risks you take when you give somebody a gift.

Yeah, but even if you hate a gift you still acknowledge it and say thanks. To ignore it completely is beyond rude.

freshpopcorn · 07-02-2014 11:17am

Vojera wrote: »

Yeah, but even if you hate a gift you still acknowledge it and say thanks. To ignore it completely is beyond rude.

Totally agree with you.

Maybe tough he doesn't want to encourage the OP to do it again.

Pawwed Rig · 07-02-2014 12:02pm

You can probably go ont the site and look at your history to see if it has been redeemed or not. If it hasn't I would print it out and use it myself. We had a lovely meal last night using a deal voucher. in fact everytime we go out we see what is currently available and make the decision based on the best deal (aong with reputation). Saves us a fortune and we have eaten in delicious restaurants which we would never have visited otherwise.

mary55 · 08-02-2014 8:16pm

He doesn't sound like much of a friend maybe you should confront him about it and see what he says

CaraMay · 08-02-2014 10:02pm

I would definitely use the voucher myself. I'd let him know by sending a quick mail along the lines of 'hi x, I was chatting to your sister and she mentioned you don't like the restaurant the voucher is for so I'll go ahead and use it myself so as not to waste it'. You can doctor that to make it a bit more friendly etc but still get your point across and get the benefit of the voucher. €50 is a lot if money and not to be wasted. Alternatively you might be able to cancel the deal.

Gift thrown back in my face

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