Just found out wife been seeing another guy for the last year

LegacyUser

Married nearly 18 years, two kids, known something was up the last year, just couldn't prove it. She doesn't work, I'm the sole earner, but she was just forever busy always rushing about the place, never home, always looking for an excuse to be somewhere else.

Used to be in her phone constantly, became very distant, wouldn't spend time with me or the kids together. Always deleted her text messages from her phone of late. I knew something was going on, have known for a long time.

Was away working in Dublin yesterday and got home. She was their with the two kids and said she needed to talk to me. Told me everything, except swore there was nothing physical, it was just an emotional thing, someone to lean on. Asked her why she had to tell me know and she said that she just needed to tell me. Said she wanted to fix things.

Turns out, his wife found out and sent her a text from his phone to meet up. She did thinking it was him, and then she was confronted, so I think she only told me cos she had been found out.

Devastated, alone, and no one to talk to. Desperately trying to keep it from the kids!!

Grayfoxy

Hey Buddy,

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear this...

People can be cruel cruel beings, I was in a very similar situation without the children, might I suggest creating an account and sending me a PM, I would like to talk to you but not publicly if that is ok?

Emme

Sorry to hear about this OP. Is there any reason your wife can't get up off her backside and get a job? If she is minding small children full time fair enough, but why should you continue to support a woman who has betrayed you?

LegacyUser

I really don't know what to do, she is in bits, she actually rang a marriage Councilor and booked an appointment before she even told me. So basic yesterday, she got caught, panicked, rang a marriage Councilor and told me then.

She expects me to absorb all this and then to sit in front of a Councilor tomorrow.

I don't know if I believe her or it, I know she's not told me everything there are things I know which I need her to tell me rather than me say it.

I know I can recover t xts for her phone, and while it might be invasion, to be honest I think I need to and deserve to see them. I need to know the entire story, warts and all.

I need to find d out everything and be sure I know everything before I figure out what to do. Even if it means meeting his wife

LegacyUser

The ironic thing is, we have been struggling financial for the last couple of years. I've pleaded with her to go back to work since the youngest started school, but all I got was lip service. Then of all things, about a year and a half ago she went to some course which was held locally about motivating people to get back to work.... where she met this individual!

alias06

Yes she is panicking because she got caught. She is still playing games. I think you know well she has been fully cheating on you. Do you want to save your marriage after this? Personally, I would cut loose but of course its your decision. It would be a good idea to talk to a solicitor.

It sounds like this relationship has been over for a long time. You knew something was up for the past year but did nothing about it? My advice would be forget the counsellor and see a solicitor.

AnonMouse

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about this situation and my heart goes out to you.

Personally, I find it very hard to believe that your wife only had an emotional relationship with this guy. She was leaving your home constantly to fulfil an emotional relationship? If that is what she was doing, it would draw less suspicion to maintain an emotional relationship via text/calls/emails and meet less frequently. The fact is, she only told you because she was caught out. The neck of her to expect you to believe otherwise. As I see it, she wanted her bit on the side and wanted you to fund her lifestyle.

If I were you, i'd forget about going to the marriage counsellor and seek legal advice instead. Do you want to salvage a marriage where you have been deceived in such a way? Your head will be wrecked for ever more, wondering what she is up to, who she is with etc.

Is there anywhere you could go for a few days to think about things? Get your head together and decide what is best for you.

Best of luck with it all.

Grayfoxy

Hey Corky,

Ok, so, first thing is first, you do deserve to know the full story, and it is by no means an invasion! You are married to the woman for 18 years, after something like this, absolutely you have every right to recover the texts.

In my opinion, an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one. I do think you should meet his wife and talk to her about it, what she knows and what you know (in good faith that it is the truth).

I think the marriage counseling is premature, I think you need to get all the facts and be on your own for a little bit (perhaps go to a councilor on your own also) before you decide what to do.

It is obviously very difficult when children are involved, but I personally believe, if you cannot forgive this and want to leave, do not stay in a relationship you are not happy in just because of the kids, you only get one life, you should be able to enjoy it. You can be there for the kids and be the father you are.

On the other hand, if you feel you can forgive her, then do seek help and someone to talk to, there are plenty of councilors out there. I would suggest going to a solo councilor at the same time as a marriage one.

But don't make any decisions too quickly, take your time.

Best of luck!

alias06

Corky5 wrote: »

I need to know the entire story, warts and all.

I need to find d out everything and be sure I know everything before I figure out what to do. Even if it means meeting his wife

You are never going to get a full disclosure from your wife. She has been caught cheating and she is engaged in all sorts of game playing and BS to cover her tracks. You know yourself what has been going on. Its unlikely any of the people involved will tell you the truth. His wife is probably equally in the dark. Talk to your solicitor about your options.

username123

What difference does it make to know things warts and all?
She has betrayed you fully. That's all you need to know. She only told you because she was caught - that tells it's own tale.

I hope you have good family and friends around to support you.

Call me Al

You found this out yesterday so dont start making any life changing decisions just yet. You've children to be considered in all of this. Now I'm not suggesting that you stay together for their sake, because that's just crazy, but if you feel your marriage is salvageable you owe it to your children to try.
Equally I wouldn't be rushing off to see a counselour straight away at her say so either.
Trust your gut, but realise that finding out all the little details of "he did she did" isn't going to help the situation in the long run either.
Take your time, and talk with someone who knows both of you first.

Boombastic

Damage limitation is what shes doing organising the marriage counsellor, sweep you along before you digest the information.

Of course shes sorry she got caught

Take the time you need. Get facts. Get counselling when you are ready if thats what you want. You take control of the sititation.

LegacyUser

Corky5 wrote: »

Told me everything, except swore there was nothing physical, it was just an emotional thing, someone to lean on. Asked her why she had to tell me know and she said that she just needed to tell me. Said she wanted to fix things.

And you believe that? I don't. She was busted and is firefighting. She called a counsellor so that in future she could always point to her noble efforts to fix things. If she hadn't been caught they'd be still at it.
If you're married and you need someone to lean on emotionally, that'd be your spouse, not some randomer. If you need an external sounding board for troubles in your marriage, a family member, a close friend, a counsellor maybe, but again, not some randomer.
She left the marriage a long time ago, you should strongly consider doing the same. Let her away with it and she'll do it again. Personally, I'd send her back to yer man and let her be his
problem. If you lose your woman to another man, the best revenge is to let him keep her.

You've some pain ahead, but you'll come out of it a stronger man. Best of luck to you.

ladygirl

I'm very sorry you are going through this.

My advice would be to inform your wife that you will not be attending the counselling session tomorrow. I feel it is WAYYYY too soon to consider counselling when his news is still so Raw. You are not saying that you will never attend counselling - but tomorrow is just simply way too soon.

You also need to get the full truth from your wife. As I think its clear to everyone that she is not being entirely honest with you about the type of affair she had.

Taltos

Grayfoxy - per our charter please do not ask posters to PM you here.
This is as much to protect you as it is to protect them.

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Taltos

Oryx

It is damage limitation on her part, but for two possible reasons. One, gut reaction to keep the status quo for reasons of respectability etc, OR she could have just had the wake up call she needed to realise how much she had to loose, and maybe, how much she wanted to keep you.

The only way you will figure out how to move forward is to think about it, and talk about it, both to her and to someone who can advise you without any emotional involvement.

Its easy to say SHE CHEATED! LEAVE! But life is far more complex than that. Her cheating is a symptom, in my eyes. Of distance, boredom, whatever, - something wrong with your marriage. You need to figure out if you want to work on the cause.

alias06

Oryx wrote: »

Its easy to say SHE CHEATED! LEAVE! But life is far more complex than that. Her cheating is a symptom, in my eyes. Of distance, boredom, whatever, - something wrong with your marriage. You need to figure out if you want to work on the cause.

This is true and as I said above it sounds like this relationship has been over for a long time as the OP knew there was something going on for the past year but didn't confront it.

Nevertheless, she choose to cheat rather than work on their relationship. Its a long way back from there.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't have to go to marriage counselling just yet. You've only just found out. You (both) need time to process what is happening, before you go trying to find help to fix it. Tell her you are not going to counselling just yet, that until it actually sinks in what's happening, you don't think counselling would be any benefit. She could still go to the apt herself, and talk through her own problems and reasons for doing what she did. But I think a counsellor would find it strange to be seeing a couple who only the previous day found out these things.

Get ready for the blame game though. If you tell her you are not ready for counselling she will most likely turn it back around on you, that she is sorry and trying to fix it, and you're not letting her...etc. She has been caught. She only told you because she was caught. And you will only get the truth out of her bit by bit. For now she will only admit to what you know for definite... which is not a lot. She will not admit to anything sexual. She has admitted to an emotional affair. Next she will probably admit to kissing him (if you continue to push it) she may or may not ever admit to having a full sexual relationship with him. That will depend on how long she can deny it. If she is faced with undeniable proof - like him admitting it to his wife, then she will have to admit it to you. But you won't get the information out of her easy. She is trying to limit the amount of damage that will be caused now.

I don't doubt that she is sorry, and that she is remorseful. And that today she is very upset, at both hurting you, ruining her marriage, and getting caught. So I wouldn't assume that anything she does now is just to cover her back. There is a chance that she is truly sorry and wants to work on your marriage... but remember, you get a say in that too. If it's too much for you to handle at the moment, then don't be pressured by guilt into anything. If it's worth sorting out, it is going to take time. So there is no rush to fix everything now. If you do, you are going into it like rabbits in headlights. You'll both be in panic mode, and feel pressured into sorting it as quickly as possible.

There is no time frame or time limit.

sReq | uTeK

alias06 wrote: »

You are never going to get a full disclosure from your wife. She has been caught cheating and she is engaged in all sorts of game playing and BS to cover her tracks. You know yourself what has been going on. Its unlikely any of the people involved will tell you the truth. His wife is probably equally in the dark. Talk to your solicitor about your options.

Agreed, to me it looks like she got caught, panicked and tried to put everything in place to show you that she wants to fight for this marriage, when in reality she realizes that without you she would be in a very very vulnerable place, you in essence are her only source of income and the only one that can put a roof over her head. Only you can know if you can get over this infidelity but this wasn't a fling, this was an event taking place over a prolonged period of time and it seems her needs were put ahead over yours and her kids, do you really want to live the rest of your life with someone who has so little respect for you and your family.

Legal advice would be my 1st route, a few weeks to think about what has to be done would be my next, then and only then would counseling even come into the equation.

Best of luck OP, horrible thing to have happen to anyone.

maria34

She got caught

That other man is back with his wife

Shes afraid to be alone, as shes not working with no monies

And now she has all that councelling planned etc. do you have any word in this?

Hmm ofcourse not. She will tell you its your fault altogether.

beks101

God how selfish of her to try to shoehorn you into counselling without any say in the matter, having just dropped this bomb on you.

It shows a complete, blatant disrespect for your feelings, your happiness, your entire emotional well-being. She royally fucks things up, finds herself in a state of panic and tries to appease herself by trying to "fix" things on her own terms, without considering you in any of this.

It sounds like you are just an accessory to her to be honest. The safe husband, father, bread winner, without whom she wouldn't be in this comfortable little spot where she doesn't have to work, doesn't have to worry about what the neighbours will say and can dalliance about all day as she pleases.

You did nothing to deserve this. But you need to strongly consider the fact that you're married to a very selfish woman who isn't in any way near as committed to your family as you are.

Personally I find it disgusting that she was making her excuses to leave the house and do god-knows-what at any chance she could get instead of spending quality time with her two kids.

helimachoptor

Yep agreed..

Firstly she would never have told you if she hadn't been caught.
She is not owning up of her own volition, she is owning up because she's been caught red handed.

Now she is running around essentially she try and convince you to accept her back, she's trying to railroad you into a counselling session 48 hours after telling you.

OP i'd advise to take a few days to think about it, talk to a friend or even go to a hotel and get some perspective

Merkin

Corky5 wrote: »

I really don't know what to do, she is in bits, she actually rang a marriage Councilor and booked an appointment before she even told me. So basic yesterday, she got caught, panicked, rang a marriage Councilor and told me then.

She expects me to absorb all this and then to sit in front of a Councilor tomorrow.

No no no no no. Just no. This shows a flagrant disregard for your feelings. She is obviously panicking because this man is not going to leave his wife and she is hoping to sweep you up in a whole swift reconciliation so it can be swept under the carpet as soon as possible. How dare she. Tell her you are not going and if there is any possibility of couselling in the future it will be on your terms - not because she dictates.

I feel so sorry that this has happened to you. You need time to absorb the enormity of what has occured and high-tailing it off to a third party so she can apportion the blame on YOU for causing her to stray in the first place is not going to help.

I'd advise you to book an STI test as soon as possible and then take as much time as you need to decide what you would like to do. The decision you do finally make on the future of your marriage needs to be an informed and considered one so give yourself as much time as you need.

Tokyo

OP,

Sorry for your situation, I can only imagine how much you have to try to take in at the moment.

In my experience, counseling is one of these things that only works after both parties have had time to face the facts of what happened, and decide upon the next steps. You will have to take the time to decide whether you want to leave your wife, or whether you want to work through the hardship that comes with confronting it and forgiving it, and she will have to be willing to talk openly about the affair, and the circumstances that led up to it. She's also going to have to be willing to open her life to scrutiny in order to regain your trust. And in both cases, these are not decisions that can be made in a day, a week, even a month. It's probably the biggest betrayal that you'll experience in your life, and can't be just brushed under the counselors carpet 72 hours after the fact. There is going to be a lot of crying, a lot of arguments, and a lot of cold, hard truths from both parties before it gets to that stage.

What your wife is doing right now is damage control. Damage control between her and you, damage control between her and her friends and family, should her indiscretion become public knowledge. She may be doing this with the best of intentions - she may genuinely be remorseful about the affair and want to fix your marriage, or she may just be trying to control the situation because she's been caught out in her lie, both by you and they guy's wife, but right now she just want's it to go away, and sees a trip to the counselor as a means to an end.

If you haven't already decided to pack your bags and leave, then you are going to need to hear the truth from her. It's quite likely that the "emotional" affair is going to turn into "we kissed once or twice", to quite possibly "we slept together". You'll have to be prepared for that. Only when all of the cards are on the table does counseling have a chance. And even then, there are no guarantees.

It's a lot to deal with and I'm sorry that you find yourself in this position.

I also hate to be the one to tell you this, but if your kids are teenagers or above, they are most likely going to find out, or figure it out for themselves. Be prepared for that.

Good luck.

Corky5

She is adamant that nothing physical happened, but I'm not so sure. The more I talk to her, the more she drops an extra bit in. It was text messages and meeting for coffee, and earlier today I asked if any gifts had changed hands. She said she gave him a small box if chocolates once as a thank you for being there for her. She received nothing from him. I asked if any notes or letters were passed and she said she gave him a note once, again to say thanks for being there for her.

The last year as u said was very obviously different, as I said she was constantly looking for reasons not to be home, for ever running errands etc, and I have been working from home a lot so thanks were very obvious to me, I knew something was up. I joked about it to her one gauging her reaction and even said it another time half seriously.

We used to be very close, lye off in the couch together in the evenings cuddled up, but that all stopped in the last 12 months. She would sit on her own, on her phone and I'd ask her to come over and site with me and she would say she was comfortable/cosy where she was on her chair by the fire. Turns out now she was on the phone texting him.

She's been going to bed very early, sleeping very badly and taken up smoking which she had given up five or six years ago.

Her sister and a few friends found out about him last September and warned her to stop.

She rang her sister on Monday and told her that she was going to meet him to sort it all out, but as I said earlier, thats when his wife turned up instead.

Merkin

Corky5 wrote: »

She is adamant that nothing physical happened, but I'm not so sure. The more I talk to her, the more she drops an extra bit in.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't believe a single word that has come out of her mouth. And I'm sorry to be so blunt here but she has proved herself to be a mistress of deceit. Having lied so consistently and cavalierly for so long doesn't instill me with any hope that she's developed a conscience all of a sudden and is going to tell you the truth. I know it would be preferable to believe her but it sounds like it was all pretty intense. I feel so sorry for you, you must be absolutely devastated.

I wonder how the other injured party found out about their affair?

alias06

Corky5 wrote: »

The more I talk to her, the more she drops an extra bit in.

In other words she is lying all the time.

Taltos

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Corky5

Merkin wrote: »

I'm sorry but I wouldn't believe a single word that has come out of her mouth. And I'm sorry to be so blunt here but she has proved herself to be a mistress of deceit. Having lied so consistently and cavalierly for so long doesn't instill me with any hope that she's developed a conscience all of a sudden and is going to tell you the truth. I know it would be preferable to believe her but it sounds like it was all pretty intense. I feel so sorry for you, you must be absolutely devastated.

I wonder how the other injured party found out about their affair?

Saw text messages apparrantly.

My parents also had a broken marriage, split when I was 12, never wanted to put my kids through what I went through, still don't.

If she's honest with me, and absolutely honest, there is a chance, but I'm afraid if what I'm gonna find out by myself

Merkin

I think this is all so very raw for you Corky that talking about the future of your marriage is both premature and is going to absolutely fry your head.

While you process all that has gone on you are going to go through a veritable plethora of varying emotions and for now you need to deal with the cold hard facts of what happened (which may take some time to materialise) and then work through those accordingly.

As an aside, I can understand how coming from a broken home would make you so adverse to it ever happening to you. BUT, and you must remember this, that if it does come to that you are not the person at fault. You have been a good and loyal husband by the sounds of things so this mess is not of your making, you haven't let anyone down.

m'lady

She is admitting this 'emotional affair' because she was caught, she never would have told you otherwise.

Like most cowards, she's going to twist and manipulate this to suit herself.
Most cheaters are great liars, and will deny everything until it's 'put up to them'. She will beg and plead forgiveness and it's up to you OP if you can accept her apology, personally I would let her stew for a while and certainly wouldn't be going to the counselling tomorrow, you need time to digest all of this. I'd also say that I wouldn't be too concerned as to whether this was a sexual relationship or not, she's cheated emotionally and that's possibly the worst type of cheating.

I hope you are ok OP and have someone that you can confide in.

Tokyo

Corky5 wrote: »

She is adamant that nothing physical happened, but I'm not so sure. The more I talk to her, the more she drops an extra bit in. It was text messages and meeting for coffee, and earlier today I asked if any gifts had changed hands. She said she gave him a small box if chocolates once as a thank you for being there for her. She received nothing from him. I asked if any notes or letters were passed and she said she gave him a note once, again to say thanks for being there for her.

This is the part that is going to take a while - cutting through all of the bull**** to get to the actual truth of the situation. Even if the truth hurts, you are going to need to know it in order to make an informed decision and decide whether you can both heal form this or not. It feels a little like you are still letting her take control of all of this - I think that you need to let her know, adamently, that if your marriage is to have any chance at all then she needs to be completely honest. I see you've used pretty much these exact words in a subsequent post as I type this. If she lies, and you find out more further down the line, it will undermine any trust that you have built up since. and to be honest, if she continues to lie to cover her own back, she's not really invested in making things right.

We used to be very close, lye off in the couch together in the evenings cuddled up, but that all stopped in the last 12 months. She would sit on her own, on her phone and I'd ask her to come over and site with me and she would say she was comfortable/cosy where she was on her chair by the fire. Turns out now she was on the phone texting him.....She's been going to bed very early, sleeping very badly and taken up smoking which she had given up five or six years ago.

One of the hardest things to face up to is that, although she and she alone is responsible for having an affair, both parties are responsible for events that led up to it. If she felt that there was something lacking that made her choose to have an affair, then that will need to be confronted too. I say that as having been on the receiving end of somebody who has cheated.

Her sister and a few friends found out about him last September and warned her to stop.

She rang her sister on Monday and told her that she was going to meet him to sort it all out, but as I said earlier, thats when his wife turned up instead.

It sounds like a LOT of covering up has been going on here, I think you are going to have to keep digging to get to the absolute bottom of this. One think I'll say though, is to stay away from both the guy involved, and his wife. It doesn't matter how the other injured party is dealing with it, and while it may be tempting to knock seven shades of **** out of the guy in question, it'll achieve nothing, and you'll never hear the absolute truth anyways. The only people you need to focus on right now is you and your other half, and decide for yourself where to go from there.

Neyite

Cheaters only admit to what they think that they will get away with.

Who, do you know, would have a romantic interest in someone, in this day and age for a full year, and not have some form of intimate physical contact with.

She was warned by her sisters to end it in September. She didn't. Its now nearly February. So she cant say she didnt realise how this could blow up in her face. They told her and still she continued.
She admitted it only when caught and worried that the wife would tell you so got her version in first.
She admitted it was only emotional
She admitted that they did in fact kiss. making the previous sentence a lie
She will admit that they slept together but didnt have sex
She will admit that they did have sex, but just the once
Then she will admit that yes, they did have sex but it wasnt great, yada yada...

you get the picture. Lies.

And now, while your head is still spinning, wants to drag you off to therapy to tell more lies, maybe blame you, or boredom or the kids for her actions.

There is one way that a couple can move on from cheating. That is utter transparency from the cheater and absolute remorse. It takes time, and you get to decide when you are over it. Not her. You get to decide when to forgive and move on. And you get to decide whether or not to keep the marriage that she threw away a year ago.

I think you need space. Ask her to leave the house temporarily for as long as you need to process this. This will shock her into realising that she cant paper over this with a few sessions of marriage counselling. Even if you go through her physically packing her things it will show her you mean business. Then you tell her that she has this one chance - one last chance to come absolutely clean about the details of this affair. That, if she lies to you once more, you will have no interest in trying to reconcile. Then wait, let her speak and let her fill the silences. There must be absolute transparency on her part - she must think that you would be willing to ask this man and/ or his wife independently of her for details and that if her version is any different from theirs, the marriage is over.

When you are happy that you have heard everything, she takes her case and goes elsewhere to let you process what you have heard.

I think you would benefit from counselling - for yourself first on your own, to get the mess in your own head sorted.

Corky5

No interest in doing g or saying anything to the other guy, although I'm probably going to bump into him at some stage.

Would be interested I talking to his misses to see what he has been saying and if stuff ties up.

Corky5

Neyite wrote: »

Cheaters only admit to what they think that they will get away with.

Who, do you know, would have a romantic interest in someone, in this day and age for a full year, and not have some form of intimate physical contact with.

She was warned by her sisters to end it in September. She didn't. Its now nearly February. So she cant say she didnt realise how this could blow up in her face. They told her and still she continued.
She admitted it only when caught and worried that the wife would tell you so got her version in first.
She admitted it was only emotional
She admitted that they did in fact kiss. making the previous sentence a lie
She will admit that they slept together but didnt have sex
She will admit that they did have sex, but just the once
Then she will admit that yes, they did have sex but it wasnt great, yada yada...

you get the picture. Lies.

And now, while your head is still spinning, wants to drag you off to therapy to tell more lies, maybe blame you, or boredom or the kids for her actions.

There is one way that a couple can move on from cheating. That is utter transparency from the cheater and absolute remorse. It takes time, and you get to decide when you are over it. Not her. You get to decide when to forgive and move on. And you get to decide whether or not to keep the marriage that she threw away a year ago.

I think you need space. Ask her to leave the house temporarily for as long as you need to process this. This will shock her into realising that she cant paper over this with a few sessions of marriage counselling. Even if you go through her physically packing her things it will show her you mean business. Then you tell her that she has this one chance - one last chance to come absolutely clean about the details of this affair. That, if she lies to you once more, you will have no interest in trying to reconcile. Then wait, let her speak and let her fill the silences. There must be absolute transparency on her part - she must think that you would be willing to ask this man and/ or his wife independently of her for details and that if her version is any different from theirs, the marriage is over.

When you are happy that you have heard everything, she takes her case and goes elsewhere to let you process what you have heard.

I think you would benefit from counselling - for yourself first on your own, to get the mess in your own head sorted.

She said the never kissed, just hugged, and in public, they never met in private so she says, but she did ask to meet him in a nearby woods at one stage, but it never happened (she wanted to sort stuff out!!!!).

She offered to leave the house today, and yesterday bit I said she couldn't, we would have to explain what was happening to the kids, and it was too early to decide if that's what we were going g to do yet.


I've supported her for 18 years, I've a decent job, but it's been u dear constant threat and change of the last six years, I've always let he r make her own decisions with regards work or stay in g at home, up to the point where the youngest started school, four years ago now. Since then I've begged her to look for work and take up part time work or something, for her own sanity and for the welfare of all of us. While I have a good job, money is tight, we are constantly overdrawn and can't save anything in a single income.

. I told her often that I can't deal with the pressure of being the sole provider (she does mind kid a few hours a week, but it's neither helpful for her or for us financial to be honest)

Since the youngest went back to school she's drifted further away, not having as much time to have to dedicate to the kids allowed her to build her own life, but at enormous cost it now seems.
I admit that the stress and responsibility, caused me to be short tempered at times, and I have felt resentful for quite a while over her carefree attitude leaving me to stress and worry about everything.

She said last year was lonely for her.... I flipped a lid when she said it, she said she had a hard year, her uncle and an aunt died, I flipped again.

I remember when her aunt was ill she would spend a huge amount of time with her and visiting her, and I remember being angry and resentful at it, and feeling guilty about that. None of her other siblings spent that amount of time with them, and it just seems like she was never here. She does a huge amount of charity/voluntary work as well, so adding all this up makes for a very busy life with little time to spend at home with the family.

Now, how much if that was real!

Tokyo

Corky5 wrote: »

Would be interested I talking to his misses to see what he has been saying and if stuff ties up.

I wouldn't recommend it TBH. Emotions are running high all round at the moment, and comparing notes with a woman who is presumably going through the same trauma as you is not going to be productive. Not to mention the possibility of running into her husband while you are doing so.

Their marriage is for them to fix, your marriage is for you and your wife to fix. And it's up to your wife to come completely clean with you if your marriage is to survive....

Corky5

mike_ie wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend it TBH. Emotions are running high all round at the moment, and comparing notes with a woman who is presumably going through the same trauma as you is not going to be productive. Not to mention the possibility of running into her husband while you are doing so.

Their marriage is for them to fix, your marriage is for you and your wife to fix. And it's up to your wife to come completely clean with you if your marriage is to survive....

Yeah, but how do you trust what they are saying st this stage. There has to be a way of corroborating what they are telling us to see if there is truth in it. I need to know myself, is it hard to think that his wife feels she needs to know too.

Maura74

You are obviously a wonderful dad as you said that you would not put your children through what a friend went through.

As other have advised take your time to work this through in your mind, do not go with her to counseling she never even discussed it first with you for your opinion, it seems it’s all about HER.

You should also look up family law regarding your wife infidelity at least that way you know what your options are regarding keeping your home and your children if you cannot work through this.

Tokyo

Corky5 wrote: »

Yeah, but how do you trust what they are saying st this stage. There has to be a way of corroborating what they are telling us to see if there is truth in it. I need to know myself, is it hard to think that his wife feels she needs to know too.

By talking frankly, and trying to sort out the truth from the lies. Calling around to the other wronged party isn't going to get you the truth - you have no idea what the guy is going to tell his wife, you have no idea where he may lay the blame in order to make himself look better, you have no idea what his wife might be inferring vs. what she actually knows. There's too much to lose form doing this, and almost zero gain.

Hard as it may be, the only real way you are going to get satisfaction from this is to deal with your wife, to figure out what you believe and don't believe form her, and perhaps verify what you can from impartial sources.

Chazz Michael Michaels

It was obviously physical.

topcatcbr

Corky5 wrote: »

Yeah, but how do you trust what they are saying st this stage. There has to be a way of corroborating what they are telling us to see if there is truth in it. I need to know myself, is it hard to think that his wife feels she needs to know too.

This is the most important issue I think. How are you going to trust her again. Until she stops lying you cannot.

For me this is far more important than the affair. Also if she felt she needed to do this now what can change so she will not need to in the future. You might find that after going through all you can to save your marriage (and i suggest you do if you can)that she is still not happy and decides to leave you.

I'm not saying its your fault. Not at all. But in order to make things work something has to change. Just don't make yourself a doormat in the process. She needs to know if you get over this it will never be tolerated again.

To sum up. (If it was me)

If you Feel you can learn to trust her again then give it another go. If not then prepare for separation.

Definatly get advice from a GOOD solicitor. Be brutally honest with your solicitor including your faults as if it goes to court it won't matter who had the affair.

alias06

Neyite wrote: »

Who, do you know, would have a romantic interest in someone, in this day and age for a full year, and not have some form of intimate physical contact with.

Exactly. She expects you to believe she carried on an affair with a man for a year but never got physical. Is she having a laugh? What were they doing then? Just holding hands? What a joke.

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

It was obviously physical.

Yes.

maria34

So she hugged once during the year and then was thinking to move out? Whats that BS? She knows she has done "it" and now if you drop her she has to find a job!

topcatcbr

maria34 wrote: »

now if you drop her she has to find a job!

Be carefull. They are married. In Ireland we have a no fault seperation. Legally it doesn't matter who did what.

The horrible truth is if they seperate she will most likely get to stay in the family home with the children. He will have to make a new life all the while maintaining his ex wife and their children.

Not to be taken litely.

JD Dublin

topcatcbr wrote: »

Be carefull. They are married. In Ireland we have a no fault seperation. Legally it doesn't matter who did what.

The horrible truth is if they seperate she will most likely get to stay in the family home with the children. He will have to make a new life all the while maintaining his ex wife and their children.

Not to be taken litely.

From friends who seperated 4 years ago, you will end up without a home still maintaining the home you now have, maintaining the family and also trying to rent somewhere for yourself to live.

Likely scenario is that you will go to the bank and tell them what is going on, apply for a break on the mortgage, and then agree to sell the house and go your seperate ways when all the children are over 18.

All of that is a long way down the road. But you should be aware of what is ahead of you both.

BTW in my friends case the wife was having an affair and the hubbie had to leave the house. The affair only came out after the seperation, TBH I am not sure the hubbie realsies it ( the affair ) was going on before they split.

Anyhows, it is up to you as to whether you can forgive your wife. At the end of the day, you seem like you are working hard to keep things together financially, and also consider this - if one of the kids was seriously ill, or had an accident, this thing with your OH would be the least of your problems. You would swap with your current situation in a heartbeat.

Best of luck with everything, I hope it works out for you.

Liger vs Tigon

OP she obviously had sex with this guy and she is still lying about it.. A year long affair is unforgivable, I could understand you forgiving her if it was a one off thing like an drunken one night stand but she made the decision countless times that she doesn't value you very much. End the relationship, she doesn't deserve you. Consult a solicitor and protect yourself.

Corky5

I'm gonna recover the texts form her phone, need to get more of an idea as to how intimate things were with them.

So far, what she has told me (and I think most of it is true, but there is more to come), they met regularly and texted each other dozens of times a day. Last thing at night, first thing in the morning.

On a few occasions she picked him up from his house and drove him to social events (they met through a training course and a few of them stayed in touch).

On one occasion she picked him up from his house, the two of them went on their own to see a band, and she dropped him home again. That night, I was told it was a group of them going out. When she got back from the night I asked her how it went and nothing was said about it being just her and him obviously.

I told her the other day that she wasn't allowed try to justify it or may excuses anymore, there are none. I told her not to lie to me anymore, and I got really angry when she said that the night out with the band only happened because everyone else pulled out of it. Told her I'm not going to listen to her yet and make things easy for herself anymore.

It doesn't seem to be getting any better, and I know there is more to come. To be honest, I think she did sleep with him, not that it actually matters, but I just need honesty and complete disclosure now without having to pull hens teeth.

I don't know what's happening with the other guy or his wife, I'm trying to find out if they have gone separate ways or not, it's important to me to know, cos I need to be ahead of the game to make sure my kids are kept as much apart from this as possible.

My own parents split when I was 12/13 and it was a devastating experience never mind the stress and worry in the lead up to it, I never wanted it to happen to my kids!!!! My parents never talked for years afterwards, and even to this day, I'm only in contact with one sister out of the six siblings, we are/were a very dysfunctional family, mainly down to my mother I think, so history might be repeating itself.

Funny thing about it, is that years ago a fortune teller told my wife that she would have an affair when she was this age, we used to laugh about it. Couple of months ago I reminder her of it, I knew it was going on then, but I wanted her reaction.

I'm a sceptic btw, don't believe in that crap.

The tough thing is, I'm a blow in the area we live in, I have one or two close friends, but I can't talk to them about it because I'm a way they are friends of my wife too, and if we do get over this, I'd rather they didn't know.

I seem to be working very hard to even now protect my wife. She is in fairness utterly devastated but the real reason for that could be many, and not the reason I might be hoping for.

I got angry with her last night, because she was crying and saying she couldn't cope, I said that it seems completely twisted that I'm the one trying to hold everyone together, that in the midst of all of this, I'm having to worry about her and take care of her.

She doesn't seem to be able to keep things normal on appearance, just to keep things normal for the kids, im panicking about it, and I'm lying to my eldest telling her that we are are having issues with my family and my wife is upset over a miscarriage we had a few years back.

Feel like I'm holding the world on my shoulders at the moment.

alias06

Hang in their mate. I know you say you never wanted this to happen to your kids, but in fairness the affair wasn't your doing. Whatever way she wants to spin it she is ultimately responsible for cheating. Also you are doing your best to keep it from hurting the kids. I think one of the other posters put it very well when they said if one of your kids was really sick you would swap the situations in a heartbeat. Your kids will be fine. Things happen to all of us in life that aren't what we want and we just have to deal with it. You'll come out of this stronger. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Personally, I would be confiscating her phone, recovering the messages, give her 24 hours to recall every single detail of the affair and write it down for you. I would talk to her sister, her friends, the other man, the other man's wife and let your wife know that if there is one single piece of relevant material information missing from her recollection that it's over.
But that's just me, I'm either worth being married to or I'm not.

Colser

Hi OP...When you reminded your wife about the fortune teller ..were you aware of the affair at the time or did you only find out when she admitted it recently?

Neyite

I think that trying to find out the status quo of the other mans marriage is a waste of time. What will it tell you?

You don't know that maybe they were on the rocks before this affair, or that maybe your wife is just the latest in a long string of dalliances he has had. Or maybe the wife is a no-second-chances kind of person, or they have an open type marriage. Or maybe they are working through it too. You cant base your marriage decisions on theirs.

For starters, you have a lot more to lose than this woman. Usually keeping the children in the family home post separation is important. That usually means that the stay at home parent stays there too. Which in your case, would mean living apart from your children, paying to maintain her and the children. That's why I think you should discreetly get legal advice asap, especially if you did get her to stay with her sister, you need to find out from a solicitor if that puts you in a stronger position holding onto the house or not in the event of a separation. Ireland have a no-fault divorce so it does not matter what she did to end the marriage, it wont have any bearing on the division of assets.

If you do decide to separate, it does not have to be a repeat of your childhood experience. There are lots more services like Rainbow and Mediation to work towards making the split as easy as possible on children. And we are so much more aware of how these things can affect children emotionally and psychologically these days which goes a long way towards maintaining a civil and cordial relationship with exes that you share parenting with. In some cases its kinder for children to have separated parents than a horrible atmosphere at home. You can learn from your parent's mistakes if you go down that road.