Too embarrassed to use bathroom in front of boyfriend

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this for obvious reasons.
To start, if any of the mods are questioning whether this is a joke or not I'd be happy to pm you from my account to prove its real!

So my boyfriend and I are together a while and we have a great relationship. The only problem is I'm so awkward about using the bathroom in his house or when he stays at mine. We'll be moving in together in April so I'd like to get over this now. It's not just with him by the way, even at home with my family when I use the bathroom I'll play music or run the taps because I don't like the thought of people hearing me use the bathroom.

I don't mind if he knows that I am urinating but I hate the thought of him thinking that I'd be doing anything more. I know this sounds silly and immature but it's a real problem for me. Obviously he knows I use the bathroom since I'm a living creature but it makes me really uncomfortable. For example whenever we go away for weekends together and I need to use the bathroom I'll go to the lobby in the reception or I'll say I'm going for a bath. That clearly makes it more obvious I know, but I'd be worried of making any sounds (putting down toilet paper first doesn't always work!)

Whenever my boyfriend uses the bathroom it doesn't make me uncomfortable if I can hear so then I think that he would be the same but it's still something I worry about.

I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense and this is all a bit jumbled, I'm just very confused. Thanks for any suggestions and advice.

Kidchameleon

im exactly the same op so its not an unusual problem.

m'lady

I think a lot of women have this problem OP, myself included! Having lived with a couple of partners now I can honestly say that I have never let them be aware that I am using the bathroom, I kinda look at it as 'unladylike', I'd have the same opinion on passing wind.

I don't think there's anything you can really do, in my situation it has become a joke, as in my OH will slag me and say 'sure you don't use the bathroom, ya must be really full of s**t!' ... In time your boyfriend will realise your 'issue' and then it won't be such a problem!

P. Breathnach

It would be good if you could tell him. You seem to believe that he already knows it, so it's bringing up a question that he probably already recognises.

No need to be too specific: just tell him that bathroom noises make you very uncomfortable, that it's one of your little quirks. Put it in the sane realm as some people being repulsed by mushrooms, or wanting two cups of coffee in the morning before feeling sufficiently functional to take a shower.

Then try to arrange your lives to minimise the impact of your quirk. It might be easier for you if you don't look for a place with an en suite bathroom (or you elect not to use it). Building types (and standards) vary: some allow sounds to travel very easily, and others have good soundproofing. Obviously you want the most soundproof that you can find. Having a radio in the bathroom helps.

I think that feelings like yours never fully go away. With a little effort and understanding, the impact on your life and your boyfriend's can be reduced over time.

Dellnum

After you have heard him going a few times you will get over it.

ladygirl

OP you could be me writing this post Think a lot of women can definately relate to this.

Trust me - when you are living together your trail of thinking stays the same.. (mine hasn't changed) Also you will develop a routine with your partner - and you will know when its "safe" for you to go. I subconsciously without planning wake maybe an hour before him some weekend mornings and have used the toilet and am back in bed before I even know it.

Its definitely easier now that we live together though - but I still will never use the en-suite to "go" to the toilet. however I have "cleverly" :rolleyes: stored most of my toiletries stored in the main bathroom so in my silly head I'm guessing that justifies me not using the ensuite :rolleyes: Although to be fair I think my OH is pretty similar - although not quiet as obsessive as I am about it. as in I have never heard him use the toilet also. not that it would bother me either..

I wouldn't even mention it and see how things play out - only if it becomes a MAJOR issue for you would I bring it to his attention otherwise you will feel even more awkward - I know I would

BraziliaNZ

Is it weird that me and my girlf just piss in front of each other?

P. Breathnach

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Is it weird that me and my girlf just piss in front of each other?

No. People differ, and OP is at the other end of the range. There is no right or wrong in this issue.

BraziliaNZ

P. Breathnach wrote: »

No. People differ, and OP is at the other end of the range. There is no right or wrong in this issue.

Phew.
But yeah OP, try and lighten up on the issue and don't take it too seriously. If someone has a problem with that type of thing they are in the wrong, not you.

Santa Cruz

Reminds me of the old joke, Male "Darling you look beautiful when you are concentrating"
Female " Will you get out and close the door while I am having a ****e"

Grayfoxy

I dunno,

I think it is all down to the individual, my ex used to pee and two with the door open (if we were having a conversation and she needed to go I mean), I would only pee, that door be shut (and it ain't opening) when I am having a two.

I don't believe in the whole "manly man" or "ladylike" thing

Neyite

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Reminds me of the old joke, Male "Darling you look beautiful when you are concentrating"
Female " Will you get out and close the door while I am having a ****e"

Banned

LegacyUser

I've been married yeeeaaars and my husband has never heard me plop. No way. I don't think he'd give a damn, tbh - but UGH! The thoughts of ANYONE hearing that!

My sister is the same (is it a family thing?!) and introduced me to "the toilet paper buffer layer". In other words if you put toilet paper down first it kills the noise. Very handy, particularly in communl work toilets/pubs etc.

GreeBo

OP in the morning just lash on the shower before you start your business, thats what we do.
Other than that just use a different bathroom than where they are e.g. go upstairs or downstairs.

That said, my (newish) gf has a bathroom near the sitting room and I automatically wouldnt use that if she was watching TV...she does and it doesnt bother me in the slightest...hmm
In fact I have been told that I should give warnings if the bathroom is not safe after a visit!

I reckon just check for floaters afterwards and its all good!

ronjo

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Is it weird that me and my girlf just piss in front of each other?

I am same as you but it did take a while.

I think also when you have kids you just get used to them walking in and out of the toilet and informing mammy what daddy is doing and vice versa

ElleEm

OP, you are definitely not alone. I am the same. After 7 years together, my guy has only ever heard me fart in my sleep and I definitely never let him know (consciously) when I am going to the loo. Although I don't know many girls (I do know some!) who announce when they are going to empty their bowels. It is crass and unnecessary.

There are ways of managing it though, and there has been good advice on this thread. You could go before a shower, and have the water running. Or like Ladygirl, I leave my toiletries in the main bathroom, so go in there most nights anyway to clean my face, water running, music on, etc. I will always go to a bathroom the furthest away from him though, like I would never "use" the ensuite of we are in bed, or the downstairs loo if we are there. It becomes second nature eventually.

ladygirl wrote: »

OP you could be me writing this post Think a lot of women can definately relate to this.


Its definitely easier now that we live together though - but I still will never use the en-suite to "go" to the toilet. however I have "cleverly" :rolleyes: stored most of my toiletries stored in the main bathroom so in my silly head I'm guessing that justifies me not using the ensuite :rolleyes: Although to be fair I think my OH is pretty similar - although not quiet as obsessive as I am about it. as in I have never heard him use the toilet also. not that it would bother me either..

I wouldn't even mention it and see how things play out - only if it becomes a MAJOR issue for you would I bring it to his attention otherwise you will feel even more awkward - I know I would

dipdip

I'm really surprised by this thread. Sure I close the door when doing a poo but what is there to be embarrassed about?

Rather than accommodating your quirk, why not practice self acceptance instead? Hiw about repeating "This is natural and normal" to yourself while using the bathroom until you begin to believe it?

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks so much for all the replies, they were really helpful.
I didn't mention it but regarding the posters that talked about them peeing in front of their partners, me and my boyfriend do the same! Like I'll pee while he gets a shower or he'll pee while I do my makeup or we keep the door open to continue our conversation. That was never uncomfortable or weird for me to be honest!

Also in response to dipdip (I'm not sure how to quote posts while anon), I never said it wasn't natural, it's pretty much the most natural thing all humans and animals do. I explained that I felt uncomfortable at the thoughts of my boyfriend being able to hear me go. It doesn't bother me if I can hear other people using the bathroom so it's purely a personal thing.

dipdip

Anonymousfornow wrote: »

Also in response to dipdip (I'm not sure how to quote posts while anon), I never said it wasn't natural ... so it's purely a personal thing.

If it's not a problem for you then why ask for advice to get over it?

You could choose your own mantra, mine was just an example. How about "It's normal for others to hear my bathroom noises" ?

Mint Aero

Very common problem OP

I do my best to train in any new partners to use the toilet while I'm bathroom too, showering, shaving what have you. Works wonders for the relationship in the long run.

Ham Sambo

I am sorry, but you made me laugh when I read your post, I don't mean to be disrespectable but what do you think your BF thinks you are at when you go into the bathroom, when he goes into the bathroom he has to carry out the same procedure as the rest of us including your good self!! :-)

IvyTheTerrible

My boyfriend has the same problem. He won't go to the toilet at work, and he will put on music before he goes to the toilet to empty his bowels. I just respect that it's an issue for him and give him space.

lukesmom

I'm with my husband nearly 14 years, married nearly 5 of those years and have never gone to the toilet in front of him. There ya go.

Edit: I even run the tap when I'm going to block out any noise

ameee

Its very normal to feel like that op my partner and i have lived together for eight years and i still will only use the loo when he is downstairs with the tv on, i would hate for him to hear anything! Stupid though because he really wouldnt care he has happily watched me give birth three times

ams

two bathrooms really helps in a small apartment OP.

I always dread going to hotels though - I've stayed in a hotel in Amsterdam before where the bathroom had a giant window in it - thankfully I was alone as was there on business at the time.

I also stayed in a hotel in the US where the door was a sliding light wooden door - was really stressful for me but lived through it!

thegreatgonzo

I grew up with farming/nursing parents so lets just say we had a lot of 'toilet humour' in our house. Everyone is different and some people would find that a bit crude and that's fine. The only thing I would be concerned aboutin your case is what if you got sick in the future and you couldn't be as in control of the where and whens as you are now? Would you be putting a lot of unnecessary stress on yourself?

If I'm with anyone I'm close to (eg. a boyfriend or close friend) I'll either put on something noisy like a kettle/music/raise the volume on the TV, or I'll just say "I'm going to the loo - Don't listen!".

That said, I wouldn't be as sensitive to it as you, it's just something that I don't like, rather than something I'd actively avoid.

Ham Sambo

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

My boyfriend has the same problem. He won't go to the toilet at work, and he will put on music before he goes to the toilet to empty his bowels. I just respect that it's an issue for him and give him space.

If I had to do play music I would have no choice but to play something from meat Loaf!!!!

Ham Sambo

Nothing worse than letting loose with uncontrollable rips while sitting on the loo!! you know the ones that announces to everybody outside that you were just after downloading about 4 stone of internal matter!!!

osarusan

This is a big issue in japan, where many girls (usually girls) flush while they are doing their business, to mask any sounds. Then flush again after obviously.

Such was the waste of water, that a company developed a toilet that makes a flushing sound. You might be intererested in that:
http://whiterabbitexpress.com/water-flushing-sound-machine/

or a portable verion of that:

http://www.japantrendshop.com/keitai-otohime-toilet-sound-blocker-p-851.html

m'lady

osarusan wrote: »

This is a big issue in japan, where many girls (usually girls) flush while they are doing their business, to mask any sounds. Then flush again after obviously.

Such was the waste of water, that a company developed a toilet that makes a flushing sound. You might be intererested in that:
http://whiterabbitexpress.com/water-flushing-sound-machine/

or a portable verion of that:

http://www.japantrendshop.com/keitai-otohime-toilet-sound-blocker-p-851.html

Interesting concept, but would that not make it more obvious?!

P. Breathnach

m'lady wrote: »

Interesting concept, but would that notable it more obvious?!

In the same way as it is obvious that you are naked under your clothes.

I don't think OP expects her boyfriend to believe that she doesn't function like everybody else: she just doesn't want him to hear it. I still favour the radio in the bathroom idea.

LegacyUser

I could have written the OP. I am exactly the same. I didn't live with my ex and I would always 'hold on' until I got home. Which resulted in suffering with bloating and painful constipation. I just could not relax enough while I knew he was there. Sometimes I'd have to 'not go' for days.
I live with my now boyfriend and while i love him to bits and feel very comfortable around him I still find it difficult. I try to go in work or other places.
I just cannot go when I think he can hear me. It's really a problem. I actually find it is a major source of stress for me :-( I also suffer with IBS , which I think is as a result of this stress.
I have resorted to using glycerin suppositories during the day. They make me go in a few min if I am constipated. My aim is to empty my bowels before I go home in the evening.
I know it's not a perfect solution. But it's helping me while I work on becoming more comfortable in this situation.
Also, it's not just my partner I cannot go around, but I do find it hardest around him. Which I know I shouldn't because he is so loving in every way. I'm sure he thinks it's weird as I know he has no issues like this.

m'lady

P. Breathnach wrote: »

In the same way as it is obvious that you are naked under your clothes.

I don't think OP expects her boyfriend to believe that she doesn't function like everybody else: she just doesn't want him to hear it. I still favour the radio in the bathroom idea.

I guess what I meant (worded it incorrectly) does it not draw attention to it more so than if she just went into the bathroom.

gallag

I reckon child birth will sort this out for most of yous, to quote my wife "you learn to forget about dignity with child birth" my wife certainly chilled out more after in regards to bodily functions!

Youzername

As a man, I can honestly say I have felt the same way, with both long term and short term relationships.


(And my bedroom is right beside the toilet, and having to have a 'quiet' number two just isn't as satisfying )

I think we just have to accept its a human bodily function.

On a lighter note, I remember once having to use the bathroom, whilst a girl stayed over. I liked her, but knew it wasn't going to be serious, so just decided to let loose :pac: I quietly laughed to myself the whole time Childish I know, but it was a combination of embarrassment and not caring too much at the same time!

username123

My husband and I are both private regarding excretion. We would never pee in front of each other and both of us would turn on the tv, radio, or run water if the other was in earshot of the bathroom. I thought it was just a normal polite way to be!

loveisdivine

Maybe this is a little off topic but is nobody concerned about the amount of water they are wasting by running the tap whenever they go for a poo?

I think a radio would be a much better idea.

It does make you wonder though where this embarassment about poops comes from. Its probably just the way you are brought up I suppose.

username123

loveisdivine wrote: »

Maybe this is a little off topic but is nobody concerned about the amount of water they are wasting by running the tap whenever they go for a poo?

I think a radio would be a much better idea.

It does make you wonder though where this embarassment about poops comes from. Its probably just the way you are brought up I suppose.

Normally the telly would be on or we wouldnt actually be in the room next to the bathroom so no need to have extra noise by running a tap - that would just be an occasional thing for us. With the amount of water wasted by leaks in the mains system that continue not to be fixed, Id say me running the tap having a poo makes little difference.

dipdip

Actually it's 6 litres of water per minute.

Makes no sense to me.

username123

dipdip wrote: »

Actually it's 6 litres of water per minute.

Makes no sense to me.

Not from my bathroom tap it isn't! More like 1 litre of water every 6 minutes!

Anyway, this is off topic.

I think it's actually very common that people prefer bathroom sound privacy. And in these times where there are a lot more apartments than there were, it's probably become more of an issue. I never remember it being a problem in the house I grew up in, the only room next to the upstairs bathroom was a small spare bedroom. I don't think I picked up my aversion to bathroom sounds from my upbringing, we'd no ensuites.

x2b1

Im a guy and I feel the exact same way. I also make an excuse to go down to the hotel lobby or go out for a "message" when I am away with the girlfriend.
Funny enough, she is very secretive about it too. We are both secret poopers
We went away to Spain recently and it was a really small room with the toilet right behind the head of the bed with a very thin partition wall beween it. I mean you could put you fist through it easily. There was no way I was going in that for her to hear first thing in the morning. Not very romantic at all....

strobe

This is prob the norm rather than the exception IMO. My personal example experience has been that most girls I've been with, whether a ONS, casual kind of thing or full relationship have felt like this to some degree. Fully understandable, the noise of someone defecating is hardly sexy, makes sense you wouldn't want someone you'd prefer to find you as sexy as possible to be hearing it.

Ah_Yeah

Both my bf and I have harsh stomach problems, so hiding that we needed to empty our bowels was never really an option as being crippled with pains and having to dash to the loo was hard to hide

In all seriousness, we know what we do but don't really think about it, I just say "I'm going to shut the door [of the living room] OK?", if I badly need to go at his, and vice versa -we understand the other person needs privacy and also the bathroom may need some time it was never discussed openly but it seems to have worked for us.

I am like you in that I didnt feel comfortable, and still if it is not urgent I will make my excuses and go hpme (he knows at this stage that I just don't feel well), but if I have to go I do it. You need to find what works for you - I suggest an ensuite bedroom as you'll have the option of a "far away" bathroom at all times, whether he is in the living room or bedroom. Over time, you will just become more relaxed about it - I wouldn't overthink it - seems like most posters here feel the same!