Please advise

LegacyUser

I just need somebody to read this and give me some advice. My head is so frazzled that I cannot think straight.

So I am due to be married this summer, been together 8 years and both in our mid-thirties.

Some background: when we met both of us were working and house sharing with other people. We moved in to a house belonging to one of his relations after two years together. He lost his job so I ended up paying the bills, did not have a problem with this at the time as I assumed it was short term. He got into a rut, sat on the couch all day and did little else, explained that it was demoralising not having a job. Again I understood and tried to encourage him to do a training course or return to college but to no avail. Things came to a head when the finance company came after him for not making repayments on a car loan and threatened to repossess it. I said I could help him out but wouldn’t have enough finance to cover the entire amount and advised him to go to his family. Nobody would give him a cent. So I ended up taking out a loan of 6k in my own name to pay off the car. He wasn’t working so I ended up making repayments myself. Each time he said ‘I will pay the money back to you when I start earning again’ and I believed him. It didn’t happen. He sold the car a few months later to buy an older model, had money left over from the sale but I never saw any of it.

Last year a house was purchased in my name. I put it like this as my fantastic parents gifted me some money towards the deposit and I paid the remainder. I paid the legal fees, bought appliances, paid for groceries etc and was solely paying the mortgage for the first ten months as he was out of work. He then secured work and said he would start to contribute to the repayments which he did. He also did some painting and other jobs in the house. Next thing various family members of his started arriving to see the house. Before the big arrival he would go on a mad cleaning frenzy and act the perfect host. As soon as they were gone he wouldn’t lift a finger to clean anything. So I would spend one day a weekend cleaning. If I nagged, he would say ‘I’ve worked hard all week, I want to relax’. Despite asking him to pay towards the grocery bills he rarely does but has no problem asking me to get him this, that and the other every time I am going shopping. I always try to do little things for him to make him happy like getting tickets to see his favourite football team or even just washing his car but he rarely does anything similar.

So it all came to a head last weekend. He had been away on a city break for five days and had asked before he left if he could borrow some money ‘just in case’. I lodged 100e to his account and gave him 30e cash the day he left saying it was to be paid back. The day before he came back I cleaned the house so it would be spotless when he got home. He arrived in, chatted about his trip and he told me that one of the group he was with had accused him of going off with another woman in their group on their city break. We spoke about it and he said the woman who accused him was drunk and it was all rubbish. A year into our relationship he did cheat on me with somebody else but I forgave him but now I don’t know what to think. He hasn’t given me any of the money back even though I haven’t been paid since before Christmas and had been out sick after so wasn’t earning. His phone bill is tagged to my broadband bill so I’ve ended up paying for that too.

So it’s all a big mess. I have paid a lot of money out in deposits for the wedding. Friends and family know the date is set but I don’t know if this person is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Whenever I give out over something he always tells me I am too ‘soft’ but not I am beginning to think that he is taking advantage of that. He is so selfish with money and I end up paying for everything. Funny thing is though when we go to visit his family he is always more than generous with his money then, taking his mother out to lunch and buying presents for others. I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this and don’t want to worry my family. Please don’t judge me but help me get my head around this.
Thank you for reading

Tokyo

I think I need to re-read this post a few times just to get my head around so many levels of selfishness on your SO's part, and post accordingly, but I will say this for now:

However expensive it might be now, it'll be a hell of a lot more expensive to reconsider your situations and your options if you do so after the wedding vows have been spoken. But if even half of what you said in the above post is true then you need to take a big step back and assess if this is what you want your life to be. The fact that you can post here in such detail about the wrongs you see in your relationship suggests that you already know that.

Forget the wedding for now, or how what friends or family might think. This is your life you are talking about here, that supercedes gossipy friends or a worried family any day.

Tokyo

I needed to put this in bullet point form, just to break it down for myself, but if I am to read your post correctly:

• You paid the bills in the first house
• You took out out a loan of 6k in your own name to pay off his car (which he sold and pocketed the difference).
• You purchased a house in your name your parents paid the deposit with you paying off the remainder.
• You paid the legal fees related to the house.
• You paid for appliances for the house.
• You pay for groceries - he refuses to, but asks you to pick up his stuff.
• You paid the first ten months of mortgage payments alone
• You try to make him happy by buying him gifts.
• You paid €130 for a weekend away for him, possibly with another woman.
• You pay his broadband internet bill.
• You have paid for (at least some of) the deposit for the wedding.

He:

• Refuses to spend money on your joint needs, even though he is now earning
• Has cheated on you once for sure, and possibly again a couple of weekends ago.

At risk of being blunt here, he is right about one thing - you are far too soft. On him. Take a look at the list above, and tell me if this is what you want the next 50 years to be like?

December2012

Get out now. What makes you think he will change?

CaraMay

Are you his mother or his fiancée?

I seldom see such selfishness. Why in the name of god are you letting him treat you like ****e?

Worse again, why are you signing up for him to treat you like ****e and sponge off you for the rest of your life.

He is a parasite, a cheat and a lazy sod. Don't even think of marrying him.

Don't mean to be smart but who paid for the engagement ring?

Bananaleaf

Hi there

I wouldn't judge you at all for this.

People will say you are mad and they will ask you how you let it get this far.

But what we both know is that it just seems to happen.

I know this is not about me and I'm not looking for advice, but I will share some of my story.

When I met my ex, he said he was working for himself. He actually wasn't, and was being bank rolled by his mother.

He eventual,y said the work was drying up, and, ironically, trying to prove that I wasn't a gold digger I started paying for dinners and cinema trips.

It gradually increased to him asking for loans, for materials to do jobs, but like that, when he got paid for the jobs I saw none of this.

He had court letters from banks looking for loans back. He had a vehicle, never taxed, and a sizeable amount of the money he did have went on fines for no tax and speeding.

He regularly turned up to my house, and used my phone to call a take away, for which he had no money. It was just expected that I would pay, and the funny thing is that he never asked me if I wanted anything before calling.

On one occasion, he came and asked me for money to buy materials for a job. It was 2am and I had no cash. I gave him my bank card. I didn't see him then for 3 days and checked my online account to find he had bought the materials as well as a Chinese take away each of the three nights.

People called me stupid and yes, maybe I was, but more than that I was just a good person who was trying to do the right thing and trying to be supportive of my other half. The bigger crime here was that he was manipulative and was taking advantage of me.

OP - it's nice that you buy him tickets for his favourite football matches, but have you ever been told that by doing that you were flaunting e fact that he couldn't buy these in his face? I got that a few times.

Also, just a note on maybe WHY we do this, well, you do assume that it is for the short time. You would expect that they would try get back on their feet ASAP and that they would also do the same for you.

I also was made feel, when I did broach it, that I was money obsessed and was just disappointed that my ex wasn't a doctor, which was total bullshyte.

OP - it can be demoralising not having a job, but would you treat him the same way if the roles were reversed?

The final straw for me was when my ex rashes my car 100 miles from home and did 750 worth of damage to it and left it immobile. His only question was "how will you get over to get it when it's repaired?"

That was 2 years ago, and I am still paying off loans on his behalf ( in my name) a few months after we split I got an eBay receipt for things he had purchased on my card after we had broken up. I did cancel that transaction at least.

I never looked for sympathy as I was aware that it was all my own fault.

What I will say to you though, is that the only thing that kept me going was that I wasn't stupid enough to marry him or have a child with him. I'm not saying you are stupid if you marry him, but you must absolutely cover yourself legally if you do OP. I don't know if pre-nups exist for people who aren't celebrities, but something like that OP.

If you are worried about binging that up with your fiancé, just reassure him it's as much for him as for you. You can tell him that separations are costly and end up in both parties having to shell out a lot in legal costs, even if the split is amicable.

You are right to be questioning this.

Also a lot has been paid in deposits for the wedding, but you will lose more by going ahead with it, paying in full and having to separate/divorce later, than you would forfeiting a deposit.

Maybe for the time being, look into postponing the date til later. Sound out the venue and see if this is possible. With regard family, I know it might look suspicious or bad, but you can come up with many excuses as to why you have postponed - venue double booked etc..

The best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I suppose that I can see what is happening but after eight years am wondering if I am giving up too easily on the relationship. I am not painting myself as a saint at all but my parents taught me to never owe anything to anybody. So if I cannot afford something I don't buy it and never thinks of the consequences. When I suggested putting aside money every week towards the wedding, he agreed initially but never did. Even when I was briefly (2 months) out of work myself, I never asked him for a single penny but he never enquired to see if I was ok financially while all the while I was filling the food cupboard.

The big spanner in the works at the moment is that I have suggested that maybe he should look for somewhere else to live. His response was that he wants back financially what he invested in the house, in terms of mortgage repayments but also his time that he spent working on the odd jobs he did. I asked him to give me a figure and he said 16k. First of all I have no issue with repaying mortgage payments to him as I will live in the house but the figure he is suggesting is ridiculous and I certainly do not have that kind of money.

LegacyUser

Bananaleaf, thank you so much for posting, it is like I am living your old life. Even things like the car tax-it is never paid on time and then he uses my car to go everywhere 'in case he is stopped by the guards' in his own.

Like your ex he suggests getting a bite to eat and then I end up paying. If I raise the issue I am told that I am always talking about money. Thing is I never seem to have any anymore.

One thing I still don't get is why his parents never helped him out financially. I mean I know he is a big boy but equally I know if I was in a bind, my parents would help me out in a heartbeat whether I wanted them to or not. Even if I buy some messages for home my mother or father always insists on paying me before I leave, even if its only a few euros. If I refuse to take it I find it stuck in my coat pocket, bag or car a few days later. I guess I follow their lead by always paying my way.

LegacyUser

Caramay he did pay for the engagement ring..its a valid question so no worries.

Big Bag of Chips

justread12 wrote: »

I have suggested that maybe he should look for somewhere else to live. His response was that he wants back financially what he invested in the house.

Jesus, OP!! This man doesn't see you as a partner. He doesn't see you as his future wife. He sees you as a meal ticket.

So does he expect that if he wasn't living with you, he would have been living rent free somewhere else?? Or that if he rented a place and had to move out, that he would be within his rights to ask the landlord for his rent back??

Seriously, it's time to tell him that what he "invested in the house" is only part repayment for everything he owes you. I feel terrible for you. It's difficult to call off a wedding. But I really don't see you have any choice here. Once you're married, he will have a legal right to everything you own!!

And pre-nups don't exist (or are not recognised by the courts) in Ireland.

Tokyo

justread12 wrote: »

His response was that he wants back financially what he invested in the house, in terms of mortgage repayments but also his time that he spent working on the odd jobs he did. I asked him to give me a figure and he said 16k.

So, his first response wasn't "where did all of this come from? Don't you love me? Can't we work on this? Tell me what we can do to make this better? What about our up and coming wedding?" His response is about money? He's trying to cut his losses as best as he can...

Can you itemise all the money you have put into this relationship in terms of the list above? I imagine that most of with would be documented in terms of payment from your account. Sadly, you might be needing it in the near future. on thing is for sure though, you need to put a halt on the nuptials.

Taltos

justread12 wrote: »

His response was that he wants back financially what he invested in the house, in terms of mortgage repayments but also his time that he spent working on the odd jobs he did. I asked him to give me a figure and he said 16k.

It's rare I am gobsmacked. But...

OK - how about you go back to him and agree to pay him his 16k.
Just as soon as he pays you x-y-z for all of the crap you have paid for over the years. Work it out - dollars to donuts it is a hell of a lot more than 16k.

The nerve and absolute cheek of him. Suggest though you see a solicitor asap to just clarify what if any stake he has in your home. As soon as you know - pack this waster's bags and get him the hell out of your house so you can start to live your life again.

Bananaleaf

Am I right in saying that if you are cohabiting with someone for 3 years that you have entitlements too?

I'm not sure if that is the case or what the circumstances have to be.

OP - a suggestion about his parents. As cruel as this may sound, and you may not want to think of them in this way. But maybe they see him as your problem now.

My ex - as I say, was bank rolled by his mother when I met him, but she had a terminal illness so maybe was feeling guilt or no longer cared about her money.

His father, however, had a different attitude. His father was exasperated with his son, had tried everything, tough love, giving him nothing, paying his debts, even signing over some of his own business to his son. Nothing worked. He lost all the clients his father passed on to him.

One evening his father, who was upset about a lot of things at the time, including the passing of my ex's mother, said to me, "this is up to you now, you have to solve this problem. This is your life and he is your partner."

He effectively said to me, "He's your problem now, good luck."

CaraMay

Exactly come up with a bill for more than 16k which he owes you.... Hand him back the engagement ring and tell him to take that off the bill.

Get legal advice on what he can legally claim v what he owes you.

Big Bag of Chips

Oh... And don't be too worried about him not having money to look after himself if he moves out... He'll find someone else to fund him for a while, until they too get fed up of him. Then he'll move on to someone else to borrow/sponge off, and on and on the cycle will go.

There are people like him, who spends their lives leeching off others, and when that well dries up, they just move on... Without a care in the world!

Czarcasm

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Jesus, OP!! This man doesn't see you as a partner. He doesn't see you as his future wife. He sees you as a meal ticket.

So does he expect that if he wasn't living with you, he would have been living rent free somewhere else?? Or that if he rented a place and had to move out, that he would be within his rights to ask the landlord for his rent back??

Seriously, it's time to tell him that what he "invested in the house" is only part repayment for everything he owes you. I feel terrible for you. It's difficult to call off a wedding. But I really don't see you have any choice here. Once you're married, he will have a legal right to everything you own!!

And pre-nups don't exist (or are not recognised by the courts) in Ireland.

OP while there's no such thing as pre-nups in Ireland, and while you're not married yet, it might be worth your time to engage a solicitor for your own protection that would walk you through the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010 and make sure you have all your documentation in order (loan and mortgage agreements, title deeds of the property, etc).

I would make sure your boyfriend doesn't get so much as another cent from you, because far as I can see he's already taken you for a ride for the last eight years already!

Stavro Mueller

As I read down through this, alarm bells starting going off in my head. Especially when you got to the bit about your house. I know feck all about the law in this country but I too would be concerned that this guy will try to have some claim on the house. I can't stress enough your need to get legal advice asap.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies-I really do appreciate it.

Big bag of chips-I totally get your point regarding what he will legally be entitled to if we get married. That scares me to be honest. I suppose in my head I know I shouldn’t go through with it and although it sounds completely bonkers I would worry about him if he had to find another place…

mike ie – I would be able to itemise an awful lot of what I have paid for over the years because pretty much everything comes out of my account. Just today the ESB and refuse were taken by DD. I’m sitting in a bedroom all day staring at wall while he is watching TV.

Bananaleaf-I really hope you are wrong about the cohabiting bit but I must check that out. It will kill me. I can understand what you are saying regarding his parents and it could possibly be true. I know when we first got engaged, they offered to pay for the reception but when it came to booking the venue, the money didn’t materialise. Also, when the house was purchased they offered to pay for the flooring but yet again when it came to ordering that, no money appeared. I am glad it didn’t though because they would probably stake some claim as well if they had contributed.

In the past month or so I have found him and his actions really pi***ng me off so much so that I don’t want him near me. His reaction was to say that I need to see somebody about it because ‘if it’s like this now,whats it going to be like when we are married’. But when the famous country star announced his concerts this week for Croke Park in July I was told that if I manage to get tickets for him, he will never pester me for sex again. Even typing this I can’t believe that I have been such a fool for so long.

The Princess Bride

justread12 wrote: »

But when the famous country star announced his concerts this week for Croke Park in July I was told that if I manage to get tickets for him, he will never pester me for sex again. Even typing this I can’t believe that I have been such a fool for so long.

^^^How disrespectful -he sounds like a horrible leech.
Give him back the engagement ring and anything else he's ever given you as a gift.

Enlist your family and close friends for emotional support-you're going to need them.
Then tell him it's over and ask him to leave.

You can do so much better than him.
Aim to look forward to the future you deserve.

Best of luck.

Bananaleaf

Oh god, OP. that all sound awful.

In case you are worried about your lack of sex drive, or if you are getting accused of not being sexy enough, it took me ages to realise this, but there is nothing wrong with you or your sex drive and there is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to sleep with him.

Sleeping with your partner requires you to be naked, it requires you to be vulnerable. And for you to enjoy that vulnerability enough to want to make love, you have to feel loved. This man repulses you. Not because he can't protect you financially, but emotionally.

If you marry this man, things will only get worse. Not even financially, but emotionally.

Trust me when I say that the day you meet a really good guy and it dawns on you that if you didn't gather up the courage to leave this other waster, you would still be miserable - you will be so happy with yourself and so proud.

Your comment on the flooring got me thinking about another trick. My ex wouldn't pay me back, saying he was flat out paying his dad. Was telling his dad the same thing for nearly a year before we realised.

I just wonder, was the money given by the parents but you just never saw it? Though probably not, as they may have presented a gift like that to you both.

Can you confide in his parents? His mother? How is your relationship with them?

Tokyo

justread12 wrote: »

Big bag of chips-I totally get your point regarding what he will legally be entitled to if we get married. That scares me to be honest. I suppose in my head I know I shouldn’t go through with it and although it sounds completely bonkers I would worry about him if he had to find another place…

Nobody here things you are being stupid, irrational, deserve-what-you-get, or judging you in any way. We all have our own stories, Bananaleaf was good enough to share hers, but we all have our own what-the-hell-was-I-thinking past experiences. So I get what you are saying about worrying about him, even if it does seem counter to the whole situation.

But right now, you need to worry about you for a while - you've done more than your share of worrying for him and taking care of him. You've pointed out that his parents are still alive, that being the case he's not going to be short of somewhere to go temporarily while he finds himself somewhere else to live. He's also working, so he has a source of income. It has to be about you and only you, for the next while.

mike ie – I would be able to itemise an awful lot of what I have paid for over the years because pretty much everything comes out of my account. Just today the ESB and refuse were taken by DD.

I'm glad to hear it. Whether by luck or by design, you have a permanent and indisputable record of your purchases, which will stand to you should there ever be any debate about who paid for what. if he has any sense whatsoever, he won't try to debate it - he'll only end up looking like a fool if he does.

I’m sitting in a bedroom all day staring at wall while he is watching TV....

...In the past month or so I have found him and his actions really pi***ng me off so much so that I don’t want him near me.

I've never been married so I can't comment on how I'd feel beforehand, but these aren't the words, or actions of somebody who is in any way happy in their relationship. If I were the guy in question, I'd be off my head with worry if the women I apparently loved spent her days in her room staring at the walls - the fact that he just sits and watches TV says everything I need to know about the guy.

But when the famous country star announced his concerts this week for Croke Park in July I was told that if I manage to get tickets for him, he will never pester me for sex again.

I don't even have words.


OP, you're obviously a smart and successful woman. The writing is on the wall to get away ASAP, and by the sounds of it you can see it plain as day. Ignore what your friends or anybody else thinks. No slight inconvenience of your friends plans is worth your own personal happiness either now, or in the future. Just being around this man is sucking the life (and the money) out of you - marriage would be an abomination. Talk to your parents and/or close friend, tell them everything you have told us here, and if you don't have their full support, there's something seriously wrong with the world.

I truly wish you the best of luck with this. As a guy I'm actually embarrassed that there are men out there like your SO.

DesperateDan

I believe women who let this kind of sh*t go on for so long are rather insecure about some or several aspect(s) of their lives. I mean that in the kindest manner: but please don't bother with this fool any longer, life is too short to be spending so much money and effort on something you think might change or get better down the line. Trust me if someone can treat you like that now, nothing you do can permanently change him

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know how difficult it would be to say some of this out loud to friends or your parents etc... But.... These are people who love you, and want you to be happy. Put yourself in their shoes, if 30 years down the line you have a daughter, or son, in a similar situation, wouldn't you do all in your power to help them. You wouldn't want them to struggle through on their own afraid to come to you for support.

Your parents helped you to buy a house. They clearly would do anything to help you, in any situation, if they possibly can. Go to them.

You are not at fault here. Being honest, when I started reading your post, I was thinking "she's being too fussy. This is what relationships are about, sharing with each other, buying things, paying for things etc"... Until the more I read the more I could see you are not in a relationship, or a partnership. You are giving, he is taking. He is the one who should be ashamed. But people like him, and there are many, have no shame. The very fact that he asked you to pay him for his "labour" on a house he was living in, that was bought for him (if you go on to.get married, it wll be his family home) just shows how much neck he has. That is nothing to do with you. And if you tell someone, they will not think badly of you. They will congratulate you on having the courage to say "enough".

I cannot believe when faced with the prospect of his relationship ending, his instinct was to make a few quid out of it!

You wouldn't want your friend or family member to feel they couldn't come to you if they were having troubles, so please don't feel you can't go to them.

Linoge

Agree to whatever you need to get him out of the house. Don't show your cards until after this. He sounds like he could create huge problems for you - refuse to leave, take the TV and computer etc. All the while you will wondering how someone who did "love" you for 8 years could now be so cruel.

Bananaleaf

OP, your fiancé is right about one thing - you should talk to someone.though not cause you have a problem - because of his.

The advice you are getting on here is very good, but it might be better for you to talk face to face about this with someone. A counsellor.

Counselling can provide you with the emotional support you either can't get or don't want to ask for from you family.

It's a really good way of getting a grasp on the situation. You would be surprised, when forced to think out loud, the conclusions and realisations you come to.

May I recommend a website? It's the IACP website. Very easy to navigate, by location and by specialism per counsellor.

This might be good for you before you work up the courage to tell close family members.

Stavro Mueller

Linoge wrote: »

Agree to whatever you need to get him out of the house. Don't show your cards until after this. He sounds like he could create huge problems for you - refuse to leave, take the TV and computer etc. All the while you will wondering how someone who did "love" you for 8 years could now be so cruel.

Agreed. There was a thread here a few months ago from a woman who was in a similar very similar to your own. Right down to her boyfriend living off her in her own home. One day the penny dropped, she lost it and she threw him out. Next thing, two guards appeared on the scene. He had rung the police to try and avoid being thrown out. Be on your guard.

Neyite

The co-habitation entitlement is 3 years if you have children. I think it might be 7 if you don't. So you need to act now. Get legal advice asap. If you go through with the wedding he will own half of everything you have worked hard for, pay nothing towards it, and leech off you to go off and cheat behind your back.

Total up what he owes you.

Starting with the €6,000 loan that you paid off, (plus interest). The car that he wrote off, including the amount that your premiums went up by as a result of your no-claims bonus being screwed.
Add in the market value of rent he would have paid in lodgings, half every single little thing that you bought for the house.
half of the bills that you have paid, including the full amount for his mobile bill attached to the broadband bill.
Half of all of the wedding deposits you paid in full.

Deduct the cost of the engagement ring.

Put it into a letter and tell him to leave. If he doesnt, follow the advice of your solicitor.

The bad news is that you may be out of pocket with your wedding deposits. I was out of pocket when I offloaded my leech, though not to the extent you are, but I considered it an investment to get shot of him.

Finally, I would assume that he DID cheat on you on that trip. That he has probably done so before lots of times with the same people covering up for him, but this time, there was someone with a bit of integrity who was disgusted by his actions. She was a loose cannon who might have told you, so he enacted a preemptive strike, getting his story in first. You should find her and buy her a drink IMO.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much to everybody for taking the time to reply and offer advice. I have been unable to think about anything else.

Bananaleaf-first of all thank you for recommending the website. So much of what you have said has made perfect sense to me. I don’t want to sleep with him because he is so unattractive to me on so many levels that it is the last thing in the world I want at the moment. He always says I should wear this or that and passes comments on my clothes. If I get upset he tells me that he was only joking and that I should not take everything to heart.

In relation to his parents, I don’t think they would have given him the money in the first place to be honest. They are not the type to part with money easily-they wouldn’t help him out when he was at risk of losing his car, they never gifted anything towards the house whereas my parents have been unbelievably generous. Also, whenever we visit his parents, he is always asked to buy something be it lunch, a present for another family member or even items of clothing. Which I might add he does without question. This was happening even when he was on the dole and didn’t have a penny. I tried my best to avoid trips to his home place as I can’t stand that kind of behaviour but he wouldn’t have a word said against any of them even though they have never helped him out. That also caused many arguments.

In saying that my relationship with his parents is not the type that I could confide in them about this as I’d say I would be eaten alive. I sent gifts to his mother for Christmas but they were never acknowledged. I also sent a birthday mass bouquet to her for her last birthday and the message I got back via her son on receiving it was ‘I am not dead, you know’.

Mike ie- thanks again for your response, I can see it as plain as day but I hate confrontation of any kind and know he is not going to make it easy for me. His parents live about three hours drive from where we presently live and his work is here so that isn’t an option for him at the moment.

DesperateDan-you are absolutely right, I am quite an insecure person who lacks in self-confidence. My own image of myself is always negative and in saying that, I am by no means looking for pity.

Big Bag of Chips-I thought that the problem was me as well and that all relationships are challenging and this one is no different. I still probably think that on some level as I feel that maybe I encouraged his behaviour by continuing to pay out for everything and not be more forceful in demanding what was due to me back. My parents are elderly and not in the best of health so I definitely don’t want to burden them with this but hope to meet up with one of my siblings during the week and speak to them.

Neyite, thanks you also for your advise. I intend on seeing my solicitor this week to see where I stand legally. I have started to compile a list working backwards and hopefully this will stand to me.
In my head I admit to myself that he did in fact cheat while he was away but I suppose I don’t really want to believe it.

P. Breathnach

OP, I have been following this discussion but not adding anything because you were already getting excellent advice.

I am very pleased that you are facing up to the situation. As someone who is old enough to be your father, I would be horrified if a daughter of mine was in your predicament, and all I would want would be for her to extricate herself from it.

For yourself most of all, for your parents and those who care about you, and even for this little gang of internet supporters, stay strong and don't back down.

LegacyUser

Thank you P Breathnach. I was feeling quite strong about the whole situation until about two hours ago when a huge argument arose. Following days of silence he asked me what the deal was, I told him that he needed to go. He said he wasn’t budging until he got back what he put into the house and asked ME to make a list. I refused so he said ‘all I want is my money back so I can leave’. So I said make your list and I will deduct what you have taken from me for the past 8 years and see what is owed to him then. He blew up altogether asking why I was going back 8 years and he was only looking for his money put into the house.

I explained my view that I had invested a lot of money in him during this relationship and wanted that accounted for too. Then I said I wanted things done properly and legally so we could draw a line under everything for good. Argument continued, why did I want to get solicitors involved, I replied I wanted to do it right. So his parting shot was ‘If you want to play dirty then so can I’. I left my engagement ring on the table and walked away.

He is not the man I fell in love with, I don’t even recognise who he is anymore and told him that to his face. He just laughed. My hands are still shaking after the whole thing and I just feel sick.

Tokyo

I kinda feel like doing the happy dance for you right now. Congratulations on making the first step forward. Do you have anybody to contact right now, a friend or family, and explain the situation?? Perhaps even someone that can call around and spend some time with you? I'm guessing you're kind of numb right now, but this is going to hit you pretty hard....

CaraMay

Ask him to provide written confirmation of monies he spent on the house eg receipts, cheques written etc

Talk to your family and get yourself done support. Well done op. You would gave had a life full of misery with him

Bananaleaf

Underneath his laughter he is sick that you have challenged him on this. He is fuming that you have brought this up, and he probably will develop an inferiority complex now if he hasn't already.

You are doing really well.

He will threaten you that he will play dirty with you and that he will get what he's owed - but as you pointed out - he owes you more in this situation.

At this point it gets hard to advise you on what could happen next as we don't know your, now ex fiancé and his personality/behaviour.

He could row and argue and be nothing but hot air
He could chip the paint off the walls in retaliation
He could start spending any money he has access to just to spite you
Or it could even go so far as him using physical violence

It all depends on how guilty he actually feels about everything.

I know u don't want the engagement ring anymore, but if u can get it back, just to hold on to for the time being, as a kind of insurance.

I know you don't want to tell family - but for me, I remember telling my dad, it was my way of making sure I didn't cave in and go back to him. I remember thinking that once family knew, that was that, there was no going back.

You are doing great!

CaraMay

I meant to ask if you would be physically scared of him? Hope not but dong move out - I would get someone to stay if you are nervous

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

I kinda feel like doing the happy dance for you right now. Congratulations on making the first step forward. Do you have anybody to contact right now, a friend or family, and explain the situation?? Perhaps even someone that can call around and spend some time with you? I'm guessing you're kind of numb right now, but this is going to hit you pretty hard....

Thanks mike_ie: I got in touch with my sister by text but couldn't call her as he is still tearing about the house. Couldn't tell her the entire story but have arranged to meet up with her during the week and talk through it with her. I have contacted as many wedding suppliers as I can tonight and cancelled their services. Loss of deposits in many cases but some have been very understanding. I don't really know how I feel to be honest, my head is all over the place, I can't stand him but yet still feel like maybe I was too hard on him..I know that sounds stupid but can't help it.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

I meant to ask if you would be physically scared of him? Hope not but dong move out - I would get someone to stay if you are nervous

He has never laid a finger on me like that CaraMay but he has flung things in temper (not at me) and punched dents in walls during past arguments. I don't feel nervous with him here, its just a really horrible atmosphere to be living in.

P. Breathnach

justread12 wrote: »

... I don't really know how I feel to be honest, my head is all over the place, I can't stand him but yet still feel like maybe I was too hard on him..I know that sounds stupid but can't help it.

I'd say that what has happened over the years is that your sense of self-worth has been eroded, and your feeling that you had to give to him whatever he needed or wanted took its place. Because the transition was gradual, you didn't really cop on to what was happening. The problem crept up on you slowly and progressively.

You are now trying to undo several years' worth of conditioning in a very short space of time. It's difficult, but it needs to be done.

Keep talking to us if it helps.

Tokyo

justread12 wrote: »

Thanks mike_ie: I got in touch with my sister by text but couldn't call her as he is still tearing about the house. Couldn't tell her the entire story but have arranged to meet up with her during the week and talk through it with her. I have contacted as many wedding suppliers as I can tonight and cancelled their services. Loss of deposits in many cases but some have been very understanding. I don't really know how I feel to be honest, my head is all over the place, I can't stand him but yet still feel like maybe I was too hard on him..I know that sounds stupid but can't help it.

Having doubts is to be expected, I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds like you are carrying out very decisive actions, which is a good thing, as is contacting your sister. One thing I am concerned about for you though, is there any chance that if you leave the house, you'll come back to find your bags sitting at the door of your own house? One of the advantages of getting friends and family involved is that you'll always have somebody watching your back. It might be worth your while reenforcing the seriousness of the situation to your sister, to see if she can get there sooner.

I'll make the same offer that P. Breathnach made - keep talking to us if it is of any help.

cactusgal

Keep up your strength OP, you can do this.

I was engaged to a guy who turned out to be a underproductive, unmotivated leech, and it was incredibly draining and frustrating.

Long story short, I cancelled the wedding 10 weeks before it was to happen. An incredibly difficult and expensive decision, but after the initial shock and pain, it was as if someone had handed me my life back.

Just be glad you're not pregnant by this guy. Your life is your own now, so stay strong and go live it. We're all rooting for you! Xx

Stavro Mueller

Would it still be possible for a member of your family to show up tonight. Or, failing that, a friend or friends?

I share Mike_ie's concerns about you leaving the house. If I were you, I'd also be gathering up any valuables or things that are of sentimental value to me and putting them somewhere safe that he can't get at them. Your ex is raging now but once he has time to gather his thoughts, that could well turn into utter spite.

fineso.mom

Justread12, obviously I don't know you but having read your posts I can honestly say that you sound like a decent,generous and hardworking person. Based on your original post you have absolutely done the right thing. If you were my sister or friend I would be so proud of you. You may feel nervous, scared or unsure in the coming days or weeks but just remember what others have said here....this man basically used you as a bank and did not treat you as a partner. His reaction when you told him to leave said it all. If he cared for you at all he would have been upset about losing you, not looking for payment for odd jobs and a few months contribution to the mortgage. What a waster.! You deserve so much more. As someone with 3 children who has gone through a divorce I can tell you now is the time to stand up for yourself not a few years down the line. Well done to you !! Oh, and him telling you about being accused of going off with another woman,yeah, classic preemptive strike. Would it be going too far to suggest you change your bank cards/account numbers just to be on the safe side ?

Mr Boom Boom

Call the guards and say you are feeling threatened in your home. He is essentially a tennent. His "payments" are essentially rent as he isn't party to the mortgage. Call them and tell him you have done this. Don't tell hIm what you will do in advance. Call the guards first.

Hannibal Smith

Op I would definitely get legal advice on this. As far as I know the civil partnership act only applies if one party is financially dependent on the other....the fact that he's telling you he wants money back that he's invested in the house implies to me he's not financially dependent. Just crap with money.

But. ..I cant remember which one but im full sure one of the family home protection acts/family law acts covers engagement for a period of 6 months after the break up and that's what I'd be worried about. You want to make sure he's not gonna pop up in 5 months claiming more.

So it might be worth having a word with a solicitor and making sure you're completely guarded.

Id love to know what he's claiming 16k for? Does he think day to day living expenses and bills equates to investing in a property. It sounds more like blackmail.

Teyla Emmagan

Not much to add OP but get yourself some back up and get him out of your life. You sound like a million times too good for him.

Best of luck.

Merkin

What a scumbag, he beggars belief. I'm so happy for you that you have taken the positive step of terminating your relationship with him, he's a vile parasite.

I can't stress enough how important it is that you consult a solicitor. What he is doing is tantamount to blackmail and at this juncture I wouldn't have any more dialogue with him and communicate solely through a solicitor. I personally don't think he has a leg to stand on but you need to invoke the help of a solicitor.

I think his behaviour in light of you breaking up with him should just highlight to you why this is the best possible decision on your part - you're well shot and you should thank your lucky stars you didn't make it up the aisle with him!

LegacyUser

Just wanted to chip in and say WELL DONE OP! This is the hardest part, this is like starting to rip off a bandage and pausing for a sec at the pain-the next step is to get rid of the bandage totally, which you're well on the way to doing!

You'd be amazed at the amount of support you'll find out there from family and friends if you just look for it-so do. And keep going op, you will come through this, and a year from now, you'll be even more glad you took the steps you did this weekend. Take care,XxX

Legs.Eleven

I think you're brilliant, OP.


What struck me was his lack of remorse or any attempt at trying to talk things through or sort it out. He laughed in your face when you ended it. That speaks volumes to me. He really sounds like a horrible individual and you are well rid.

Good luck with everything, OP. Be strong. Remember this too will pass and down the line, you will be so grateful you ever took this step.

deisemum

He's a leech and you're well shot of him.

No matter how much it costs, legal fees, loss of deposits and money owed over the years, when you look back you'll see it as a bargain to be rid of this freeloader.

Get legal advice and don't engage with him, leave it to the solicitor, well done on having the strength to tell him it's over.

Big Bag of Chips

He knows the game is up, OP, and that is why he is now trying to squeeze the last few € out of it.

By you keeping quiet on it, it will make it easier for him to hang around longer, and make life difficult for you. The more people you have on your side, the less likely he is to brazen it out for too much longer. Tell people. Tell friends. Tell family. Have them call over to your house as a show of support. You have nothing to hide... whereas he has.

Good Luck to you. What a turn around in your life in just a few days. It will get easier, and you will feel a huge relief when you get through this.

ManOfMystery

Although this may feel like a very dark cloud hanging over you now OP, it will part and the sun will shine through.

You've just dodged a bullet in my opinion. This man is a vampire intent on sucking you dry, and it is clear he has as much respect for you as he has for a piece of mud on his shoe. At least, that's what his actions suggest. Marrying him would have only worsened your situation and you would likely be posting a similar thread on here in another 8yrs time but with the added burden of legal ties, children, and so on. It appears he comes from a family who are very unwilling to part with their money and this has clearly rubbed off on him too.

People like him rarely get better. You would probably find the opposite in fact, that once married he would feel like he could relax (as if he wasn't already!) into an even lazier position knowing that he had the ring on your finger.

You haven't posted a single thing he does which suggests he cares or loves you deeply. You are well rid of him. Just be on your toes now so that he doesn't worm his way back into your life with false promises and such.

maguic24

OP, I am actually getting stressed just reading your post! He is a bully, seriously, get out while you can!!