Don't like where I'm living

Jeekers

I would love to move to the nearest town which is 15 mins away. My husband won't move because of mortgage, farm etc. The highlight of my weekend is going grocery shopping. I want to move before my kids start primary school. I am living in the country 4 years. I gave it my best shot. I can't settle and my husband doesn't want to know. I feel I'm living his life not mine. I feel so.lonely and isolated.

I'm originally from the city where we had foot paths playgrounds etc. There is none of that where I live and the road is a v busy country road.

popa smurf

who does deep down love where they live its the nature of the beast to want to roam. as someone that was born and reared in the country moved to the city and moved back to the country i can under stand your situation city living has its advantages and its disadvantages and so has the country. I think they will always be people living in the country dreaming about living in the city and there is people in the city dreaming about living in the country But its only a dream for a lot of people. The longer you live in the country the easier it gets. Its January its bleak we are all dreaming of warmer nicer spots.

ScumLord

This might be better off in Personal issues or relationship issues. I think basically you've got a relationship issue, I don't think there's anything we can say about a particular town that would encourage your husband to move away from his farm, you've basically got a culture clash. The guys over in relationship issues would be in a position to give much better advice.

Tokyo

In most other developed countries, 15 minutes from the city would be considered living in the suburbs. What is preventing you from driving into the city anytime you feel the need to???

biko

Thread moved to PI
Their charter now apply.

Pawwed Rig

What will you get if you move that you cannot travel the 15 minutes to get now?
I think there is a different issue here that is not clear from the OP

ManOfMystery

I could understand the predicament if you were 3 hrs from the nearest town/city. But as has been posted above, what exactly would be that different day to day? If you want to go out for coffee, go to shops, go to a gym, etc - that's all within your reach now, 15 mins drive is not exactly far. I live in a suburb area and it takes me nearly the same time just to reach the city centre from my home.

If what you're missing is the 'buzz' of town life - looking out your window and seeing lots of people about, the background noise, and so on - then that's an entirely different issue. Put simply, you're never going to get that in country life ........... but that's the beauty of country life, and why some people find it so much more relaxing and tranquil. There's a lot to love about rural life too - think how much more space your kids have, how much fun they can have exploring, and so on. I grew up in the country (though I'm town-based now) and I have very fond childhood memories of just exploring and having so much space to take my bike or go-kart out in.

In any event, it sounds like your husband is pretty tied down so ultimately you're either going to have to learn to accept rural life or else move into a town without him. It's a harsh choice I know, but with a mortgage, farm and other commitments I think it would be unfair to put all this upheaval on him to move 15 mins away.

You say you're feeling lonely and isolated - do you get much quality time with your husband? Have you got to know any other people in the area?Do you have any hobbies?

meeeeh

Are you working? If you are not, finding at least part time job might help. Sometimes it is not just where you live but being at home with kids all the time. As far as I can tell you married a farmer. Living in the country is usually part of the parcel and I don't see it changing.

ladygirl

I wouldn't blame him for not moving!! Its only 15 minutes away - which is an easy commute..

Can you not drive in and out. Sounds to me like you could have the best of both worlds where you are situated - quiet, peaceful living, within easy commute of the city.

Also kids in the country are quiet happy exploring or helping on the farm etc. you dont necessarily need a playground - and if so there is one a mere 15 minutes away.

I think you are being extremely selfish for wanting him to move

Gannicus

I don't think when the O/P says she's only 15 mins from town she means the likes of Dublin City. I've been driving in rural Ireland and you blink and you'd miss some places.

O/P it may help if you gave us some indication of where abouts in Ireland you are living.

Tokyo

Big Steve wrote: »

I don't think when the O/P says she's only 15 mins from town she means the likes of Dublin City. I've been driving in rural Ireland and you blink and you'd miss some places.

O/P it may help if you gave us some indication of where abouts in Ireland you are living.

The location is irrelevant. The OP has stated "I would love to move to the nearest town which is 15 mins away".

Gannicus

ladygirl wrote: »

I think you are being extremely selfish for wanting him to move

That's being a bit harsh considering how little information we have from the O/P.

mike_ie wrote: »

The location is irrelevant. The OP has stated "I would love to move to the nearest town which is 15 mins away".

At no point did she state that she wants to move to the town 15 mins away. She obviously wants to move and she has only said she wants to move before the kids start primary school. So its safe to assume there are at least 2 kids in the household under the age of 4.

Given the small amount of info we have received it is perfectly relevant that she tell us (withing reason) where she lives, so that we can offer her better advice.

Pawwed Rig

Big Steve wrote: »

At no point did she state that she wants to move to the town 15 mins away.

Jeekers wrote: »

I would love to move to the nearest town which is 15 mins away.

I think she did

Tokyo

Jeekers wrote: »

I would love to move to the nearest town which is 15 mins away.

Big Steve wrote: »

At no point did she state that she wants to move to the town 15 mins away. She obviously wants to move and she has only said she wants to move before the kids start primary school. So its safe to assume there are at least 2 kids in the household under the age of 4.

Given the small amount of info we have received it is perfectly relevant that she tell us (withing reason) where she lives, so that we can offer her better advice.

Please read the original post. The line I quoted from the OP states pretty conclusively that the wants to move to the nearest town, which is 15 minutes away. So I think that the query that I and others have put forward is pretty valid - if town is only 15 minutes away, then what it so be achieved by moving, that can't be achieved by driving the 15 minutes into town???

The OP is putting forwards this image of being isolated away from the rest of the world, weekend shopping being her only reprieve, which clearly isn't the case considering the distances involved. IMO, there seems to be a bigger issue at the heart of all this.

Gannicus

mike_ie wrote: »

The location is irrelevant. The OP has stated "I would love to move to the nearest town which is 15 mins away".

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

I think she did

Apologies Mike_ie, I misread that.

But given the area and the size of the town and ameneties available, coupled with the fact that she has more than one child under 4 years of age I can understand her acquiesce when it comes to staying where she is.

I lived pretty much just outside Dublin City all my days then a few year ago I moved to Balbriggan which is a decent sized town and still in Dublin. I still hated how far from the city I was and ended up moving back towards the city.

To be fair to the OP, she has given it 4 years and she is still unhappy. 4 years is a long time for anyone. I know she has a mortgage etc but I mean if its only 15 mins away could they not test run living in the town for even a year and see how he feels about the daily commute?

Emme

Big Steve wrote: »

Apologies Mike_ie, I misread that.

But given the area and the size of the town and ameneties available, coupled with the fact that she has more than one child under 4 years of age I can understand her acquiesce when it comes to staying where she is.

I lived pretty much just outside Dublin City all my days then a few year ago I moved to Balbriggan which is a decent sized town and still in Dublin. I still hated how far from the city I was and ended up moving back towards the city.

To be fair to the OP, she has given it 4 years and she is still unhappy. 4 years is a long time for anyone. I know she has a mortgage etc but I mean if its only 15 mins away could they not test run living in the town for even a year and see how he feels about the daily commute?

I can see the situation from both sides. If the OP's husband is a farmer maybe it's not practical living 15 minutes from the farm. They might have livestock - cows to be milked, sheep to be lambed etc. I can also see how she might feel lonely and lost in the middle of the countryside. The worst thing about the countryside at night is the lack of street lights and footpaths. You're basically locked in at night. There are no shops to go to and you can't even go for a walk.

Unless the OP knows a lot of people in the local town it might not be much better there either.

15 minutes isn't far when you consider how long it takes to get from one place to another in the city. TBH I think there are more issues at stake here. Is she living in a friendly part of the countryside? Are the neighbours friendly or not? It's surprising how unfriendly people can be in the country.

Perhaps things will get better when the OP's children start primary school. She will be mixing with other parents and getting involved with school activities. In the meantime could she join a class or do something in the town once a week which would give her a social outlet?

Tokyo

Big Steve wrote: »

Apologies Mike_ie, I misread that.

But given the area and the size of the town and ameneties available, coupled with the fact that she has more than one child under 4 years of age I can understand her acquiesce when it comes to staying where she is.

I lived pretty much just outside Dublin City all my days then a few year ago I moved to Balbriggan which is a decent sized town and still in Dublin. I still hated how far from the city I was and ended up moving back towards the city.

To be fair to the OP, she has given it 4 years and she is still unhappy. 4 years is a long time for anyone. I know she has a mortgage etc but I mean if its only 15 mins away could they not test run living in the town for even a year and see how he feels about the daily commute?

No worries - I've misread plenty in my time here. And I do get what you are saying in that for a city person, relocating to the countryside can be a major life change, and some can cope with it while others can't.

However, in this case the OP isn't looking to move from the farm into the heart of Dublin city, she is looking to moving to a country town 15 minutes away, at the cost of uprooting the farm, the homestead, possibly the only line of work her husband knows, so on and so forth. 15 minutes is an easily commutable distance, both for her to have a social life in the city, and for her children to go to school there if she so wishes. To me at least, these seem to be excuses to mask a bigger issue.

Gannicus

mike_ie wrote: »

No worries - I've misread plenty in my time here. And I do get what you are saying in that for a city person, relocating to the countryside can be a major life change, and some can cope with it while others can't.

However, in this case the OP isn't looking to move from the farm into the heart of Dublin city, she is looking to moving to a country town 15 minutes away, at the cost of uprooting the farm, the homestead, possibly the only line of work her husband knows, so on and so forth. 15 minutes is an easily commutable distance, both for her to have a social life in the city, and for her children to go to school there if she so wishes. To me at least, these seem to be excuses to mask a bigger issue.

True. I can se why people think she is being selfish but at the same time looking from the outside in and his refusal to move 15 mins away (ie closer to the town) can be construed as selfish by him too.

O/P - Have you felt like this since you moved in four years ago or has there been one specific event in your life to suddenly makes you want to move?

Would maybe investing in a separate car for you to drive into the town and give you some personal freedom (if you don't have one now) help?

Is there anything going on in the town like classes or clubs etc you could join?

See without knowing the town or area the extent of help we can offer is limited.

freshpopcorn

I can understand why you might feel lonely.
I also understand why your husband generally a farmer lives on the farm because farming can be a 24/7 job.
If you do feel lonely could you do a night class or activity in the area you live in. I know in my town there are loads of stuff going on. Even in local villages there is class always going on.
Also when your kids start school you'll be going to town every day and you'll be meeting other parents and if you get on with them they will be day's when ye'll go for coffee. Also if your kids do activities/sports it will be a chance for you to met people.

ScumLord

15 minutes outside of town is enough to make socialising difficult enough to not bother. 15 minutes outside town means your driving everywhere, which means you can't have a drink, taxis cost a fortune and you're at the mercy of the taxi driver (there's not many in most small towns so they can hold a monopoly). Driving 15 minutes here and there adds up to. Every time she goes into town she's lost 30 minutes which erodes into free time.

Traveling 15 minutes out to a farm is a smaller ask than making everyone else travel 15 minutes into town because one member of the household wants to be within walking distance of their workplace.

thegreatgonzo

ScumLord wrote: »

Traveling 15 minutes out to a farm is a smaller ask than making everyone else travel 15 minutes into town because one member of the household wants to be within walking distance of their workplace.

No it isn't. Farm work doesn't end at 6pm. If they have sheep they may be looking at being up most of the night for the next 2 months while the lambing is on. Work on a farm is almost constant and not everyone can afford to pay someone to cover for them when they are not there. Without knowing the particulars it doesn't sound practical to move.

freshpopcorn

ScumLord wrote: »

Traveling 15 minutes out to a farm is a smaller ask than making everyone else travel 15 minutes into town because one member of the household wants to be within walking distance of their workplace.

Generally a farmer lives on the farm because farming can be 24/7 job and it requires working at all hours of the morning/night. The family home is also often connected to the farm/outbuildings and this could also be an issue if they did decide to sell up.

scarymoon1

He can't move if he has a farm. Why can't you drive to the town - 15 minutes is nothing. You say you can't go walking on the road - then walk in the fields! My parents live on a farm and I love walking with the dogs at the weekend on the farm. No need to go on the road at all!

scarymoon1

ScumLord wrote: »

15 minutes outside of town is enough to make socialising difficult enough to not bother. 15 minutes outside town means your driving everywhere, which means you can't have a drink, taxis cost a fortune and you're at the mercy of the taxi driver (there's not many in most small towns so they can hold a monopoly). Driving 15 minutes here and there adds up to. Every time she goes into town she's lost 30 minutes which erodes into free time.

Traveling 15 minutes out to a farm is a smaller ask than making everyone else travel 15 minutes into town because one member of the household wants to be within walking distance of their workplace.

Not from the country are you?! You can't live 15 mins from your farm - especially at it's now just spring time! 15 mins and a calf/lamb can die if it gets into difficulty lambing/calving

LegacyUser

ScumLord wrote: »

Traveling 15 minutes out to a farm is a smaller ask than making everyone else travel 15 minutes into town because one member of the household wants to be within walking distance of their workplace.

This isn't always practical. My dad was a farm manager when I was growing up. The farm was 15-20 minutes drive away from our house. There were times when things were so busy that he barely had time to eat. To save him having to dash home, bolt down his dinner and then turn around and go straight back to work, my mum used to sometimes bring him his dinner in work. I remember other times when he'd come in from work so exhausted that he'd be asleep in the sitting room or gone to bed in no time at all. Then there were the emergencies like cattle getting out onto the road or something going wrong with the machinery. Cows having calves couldn't be left unattended, no matter how long that took. I remember him having to jump in his car and drive back to work countless times.

Back to the OP - why is it that you are so desperate to move into town? Is it because you're bored and lonely at home? I can see how that'd happen. You're probably stuck in the house with those small children while your husband's busy outside. You've no friends around there, you've no social life and you're still dealing with the culture shock of having to drive to get to anywhere.

On a practical level moving to town's probably a non-runner. If your husband is like most other farmers there won't be a lot of money lying around to buy a place in town. Selling your house may not be a realistic option either. Have you tried talking to your husband about how unhappy you feel. Not by telling him you want to move house but that you want to stay where you are but to improve your day to day life? Realistically it may be your only option. You just need to change your negative mindset and stop looking at life through townie eyes.

ScumLord

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Not from the country are you?! You can't live 15 mins from your farm - especially at it's now just spring time! 15 mins and a calf/lamb can die if it gets into difficulty lambing/calving

I am from the country, I see farmers with bit's of land here and there that can move between them, it's preferable to live right beside them but it's not always the case and they don't seem to have a problem in other countries where farms are much bigger.

If he's job requires him on site for a period of the year he could set up a bedsit, it sounds like he's always on the go anyway and won't have much time for family so he could give his family the benefits of living in a town while still getting al his work done.

There seems to be an acceptance that the farmer has to get it all his own way.

freshpopcorn

ScumLord wrote: »

I am from the country, I see farmers with bit's of land here and there that can move between them, it's preferable to live right beside them but it's not always the case and they don't seem to have a problem in other countries where farms are much bigger.

Yes often when farmers do this is because there just renting/leasing extra land.
Generally there main base is located beside/close/on to the family home.

meeeeh

In a situation where you have two options and there can't really be compromise, you have to decide which one would be less hassle. It is clearly to stay where they are.

If highlight of your week is grocery shopping then you are doing something wrong, regardless where you live. And I am also guessing that your partner is far from blameless. I don't know if it is applicable in this situation but I know some farmers who think that three hours away from farm will kill them. I would definitely set up some couple and family time. Also leaving kids with husband sometimes, bringing kids to visit family and friends and as I suggested in previous pist maybe getting at least part time job if op is not working.

ScumLord

meeeeh wrote: »

In a situation where you have two options and there can't really be compromise, you have to decide which one would be less hassle. It is clearly to stay where they are.

But the farmers needs to be at the farm during lambing season (assuming he even has lambs), every other resource the family needs will be in town, shopping, doctor, school, bus services, internet, maybe gas.. and so on.. Only the farmer needs to be on the farm, everyone else has needs in town.

freshpopcorn

ScumLord wrote: »

But the farmers needs to be at the farm during lambing season (assuming he even has lambs), every other resource the family needs will be in town, shopping, doctor, school, bus services, internet, maybe gas.. and so on.. Only the farmer needs to be on the farm, everyone else has needs in town.

Bring honest with you I don't think you fully understand being a farmer.
Part of it you live on the farm with your family and if you get married your wife generally lives on the farm with you.
All the other services are in the countryside or close by.

meeeeh

ScumLord wrote: »

But the farmers needs to be at the farm during lambing season (assuming he even has lambs), every other resource the family needs will be in town, shopping, doctor, school, bus services, internet, maybe gas.. and so on.. Only the farmer needs to be on the farm, everyone else has needs in town.

There is a reason why wast majority of farmers live on their land. I'm not going into the discussion about internet access.

LegacyUser

On to page 3 and the OP has only posted one post so far....lots of guess work going on TBH. I've lived in both the country, small towns and massive cities, it seriously takes me more time to get anywhere in the city then it does down the country thanks to traffic but the OPs issue isn't where she lives it's how shes living. She says she doesn't feel like it's her home but her husbands so it sounds like she needs to have a serious sit down with him and work out why exactly she hasn't settled as I can't seriously believe living 15 mins from town can be the big issue. It just doesn't make sense to sell a home and move 15 mins down the road because the OP hasn't 'settled' They'd either loose money on the sale or find they couldn't sell especially if the farm wasn't being sold with the house so what does the OP expect - her husband to give up his career?

Looking at the OP's other posts they work or rather have worked outside of the farm so it's not like they were trapped and had no life maybe they should think about what other issues could be causing them to be unhappy....are they just finding themselves bored since having two children close together and found they've lost their independence/social life as a result? When the kids start school they'll be gone all day and that 15 mins drive to town won't make one bit of difference.

LegacyUser

I think at the moment you feel that you have no life of your own.
This could be a combination of being with children all the time, losing contact with friends,
spending no time with adults or just having no couple time with your husband.

If your husband is not willing to move away from the farm I would say to him - I know you don't want to move away from here but what are you willing to do to help me?
I think at this stage you need to let him know what you are unhappy about.
If he is not minding the children much, is leaving all the house work to you, wants you to do all the paper work/accounts ect you need to let him know this.
He needs to realise that you have to have more in your life than small children and he possibly needs to know that there is more to his life than the farm.

From what you have told us I would do the following:
See if there is any group or organisation you could get involved with locally and aim to have a night a week out of the house. This will help you make friends and give you something to look forward to. Meanwhile your husband can mind the children which is both important for him and the children.
Also if your child is starting preschool/school you will make new friends then.
It is important that you have some children free time as a couple. You both need to have an odd night out together. I would also say to him that you would a weekend away in the next few months. If you give him time he can sort some one out to do the farm work when you both go away and it gives you both something to look forward to.

I think at the moment you need to have a serious chat with your husband about how you both feel about your lives at present and see where you can both make changes to improve things.

Jeekers

I would prefer not to state where I'm living. Yes I do work. Yes I do a social activity during the week which consists of about 5 people. Once my work is finished. I see no one again until I start back Mon morning. My son attends Montessori. He has no friends around his own age here. And none of the kids in his class live close by.If I was to move and rent for awhile it would only b 30 mins drive for both myself and husband to work and 15 mins to farm.

thegreatgonzo

It's really something that you and your husband need to work out together. Does he know how lonely and isolated you feel? Would moving really be the solution or would it just be papering over the cracks of another problem?