My boyfriend can't get over my past and he's considering breaking up

squidneeeyz

Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him.

It's been four months now and he still thinks about it. It gets to him and the cycle will never stop. He tried to do research and such but it just hasn't helped. Today he told me there's a chance it could go away with no other choice, but to break up with me. it is an almost OCD sort of problem. I would say it might be retroactive jealousy, though he doesn't feel jealous. The thoughts can't go away, and like I said, he has tried. Now he's just starting to think he'll stop thinking these things by leaving me, which he has said over and over he knows he will just want to be back with me so I don't really know.

We love each other. We do. I've lost my virginity to him and he has literally changed my world for the better. He feels the same, and he also lost his virginity to me. His sexual experience with other girls has happened, but not in recent years and he has not experienced oral until he was with me.

I don't want this to end on a note like this. We both still have strong, strong feelings for each other and we will only break up so he may have a chance to remove those thoughts in his head. But it'll really wreck me. I probably sound all emotional, but I love this guy. I want him to get better, but does it really have to end in order for him to stop the thought process? He seems he can't take it no more. I'm not giving up. I'm going to give him the best of my advice from you guys and deeper research. I just hope he makes the effort and not be impatient.

Merkin

squidneeeyz wrote: »

telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details

Any why exactly did you decide to give your new boyfriend lots of details on a blow job you gave to someone else? That's both insensitive and cruel so why on earth, on any level, would you have considered this to in any way a good idea?

He is now going over and over these details in his head. Google "breaking repetitive thought processes" and take it from there. There are various techniques to stop negative thoughts in their tracks and if he practices and maybe takes up some meditation or yoga then he should be able to gradually wave goodbye to these.

I do think you've been very unfair to him.

squidneeeyz

I understand what I've done was a huge mistake. Believe me. I regret it so much, way too much. I just wish I could go back into the past and change that conversation. I just didn't think about it at the time, I didn't know about the impact it would've really had. I've apologized so many times.

Thank you, I'll definitely look up those ways and suggest it to him.

Jenneke87

Okay, so you did something rather dumb, which can happen to any of us and you know better now. But why is your BF so hung up on it that he considers leaving his GF over a bj she gave to a previous guy? Let's just say he does break up with you and meets a girl who is way more sexually experienced than he is? What kind of life will he have then? Sound like your boyfriend is overreacting IMO. Apologize to him for telling and ask him to make up his mind, move on or break up.

Tasden

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Okay, so you did something rather dumb, which can happen to any of us and you know better now. But why is your BF so hung up on it that he considers leaving his GF over a bj she gave to a previous guy? Let's just say he does break up with you and meets a girl who is way more sexually experienced than he is? What kind of life will he have then? Sound like your boyfriend is overreacting IMO. Apologize to him for telling and ask him to make up his mind, move on or break up.

I'd imagine its because they are each others firsts for full intercourse so he feels he wouldn't care with a different woman as its not as sacred or whatever with someone else who has history and he'd have had history too then. That's just a guess though, and not a justification either.

squidneeeyz

Another thing is that it isn't that he wants to have these thoughts. He realizes it's ridiculous to think about it all the time, but it's still stuck with him. It definitely got to him mentally, and now it's hard to get out. It takes time and mental effort, but obviously, it's all up to him. I really hate seeing him go through this from something I shouldn't have said, not gonna lie.

kunst nugget

Merkin wrote: »

Any why exactly did you decide to give your new boyfriend lots of details on a blow job you gave to someone else? That's both insensitive and cruel so why on earth, on any level, would you have considered this to in any way a good idea?

He is now going over and over these details in his head. Google "breaking repetitive thought processes" and take it from there. There are various techniques to stop negative thoughts in their tracks and if he practices and maybe takes up some meditation or yoga then he should be able to gradually wave goodbye to these.

I do think you've been very unfair to him.

Why is it her fault that he is unable to process the information in a healthy manner? The intention wasn't to taunt or tease him as far as I can gather. Partners should be able to discuss past sexual experiences without having to suffer for it.

Merkin

kunst nugget wrote: »

Why is it her fault that he is unable to process the information in a healthy manner? The intention wasn't to taunt or tease him as far as I can gather. Partners should be able to discuss past sexual experiences without having to suffer for it.

Where exactly did I say it's her fault that he is unable to process it in a healthy manner? I said that the details that she provided were gratuitous and cruel, details which he is now going over and over in his head but the going over process is not her fault. I never said they were. It is not her fault that this has developed into what looks to be some kind of panic disorder. But similarly, going into minute detail about giving another guy a blow job benefits no-one, unless they both get off on that which one party most definitely doesn't in this instance.

kunst nugget

Merkin wrote: »

Where exactly did I say it's her fault that he is unable to process it in a healthy manner? I said that the details that she provided were gratuitous and cruel, details which he is now going over and over in his head but the going over process is not her fault. I never said they were. It is not her fault that this has developed into what looks to be some kind of panic disorder. But similarly, going into minute detail about giving another guy a blow job benefits no-one, unless they both get off on that which one party most definitely doesn't in this instance.

She told him she gave a guy a blowjob and told him some of the details about it. I can't really see how this was gratuitous and cruel. I think the fact she is being made to feel like dirt about something that happened in the past and can't be changed by a boyfriend that is acting in quite a passive aggressive way by making threats about breaking up with her wouldn't bode well for me for how she'll be treated in the future. She now feels like shouldn't have said it. What else will she not be able to say to him for fear of making him feel bad? That's an extremely unhealthy reaction on his part and has the makings of an unhealthy relationship where she will be unable to be honest with her partner if it continues in that manner.

simonsays1

Merkin wrote: »

Any why exactly did you decide to give your new boyfriend lots of details on a blow job you gave to someone else? That's both insensitive and cruel so why on earth, on any level, would you have considered this to in any way a good idea?



I do think you've been very unfair to him.

How are these comments helpful exactly? OP knows she made an error

You're just making her feel 50 times worse Merkin!

OP. I think you made an error but he is being too harsh on you now.

Taltos

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simonsays1

Okay Taltos, I'll keep it in mind............and Apologies Merkin

Merkin

kunst nugget wrote: »

That's an extremely unhealthy reaction on his part and has the makings of an unhealthy relationship where she will be unable to be honest with her partner if it continues in that manner.

Yes, I agree his reaction is unhealthy.

I also think some things are on a need-to-know basis and going into finite details about past exploits with a current partner isn't necessary. It never is. Of course adults can discuss previous partners but caution needs to be exercised. People don't generally want to know intimate details of their partners past conquests (unless they are into voyeurism or it's a particular festish) So we have two different scenarios here:

Conversation One:

BF: I know we're both virgins, but have you been intimate with anyone else?
GF: Yes, I have
BF: What happened?
GF: Gave a guy I was seeing a blow job, no biggie. What are we doing for supper?

Conversation Two:

BF: I know we're both virgins, but have you been intimate with anyone else?
GF: Yes, I have
BF: What happened?
GF: I deep throated this guy for ten minutes etc etc etc.......until he exploded kamakaze like all over my face etc etc etc .....(I'm very good at writing erotic fiction but won't include it in my response because I'd be site banned )

Do you get my drift?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you are both very young, I am guessing, and both very inexperienced. You know now what you did was very immature. There is no reason to ever go into explicit detail with a current bf about things you did with a previous bf.

I know my husband was with other people before he was with me.. I do not need to know what they did.. the same way as he does not need to know what I did with previous bfs.

I think the difference between my relationship and your relationship is me and my husband both had previous partners. So neither of us were starting off from this special place where either of us was the other's 'first'. I'm guessing your bf asked you about any experiences you had before him? This in itself shows an immaturity and insecurity, and your response, going into a lot of detail shows a lack of maturity and sensitivity/security that only comes with age, and experience. Neither of you are wrong... You are both just very inexperienced!

Your bf feels the way he feels. Nothing can stop those feelings really. Except time and a little bit of experience. If you both stay together forever and get married etc he will ALWAYS feel that you shared something else with another fella. For now 'the special link' that you have is tainted for him by the fact that you were so intimate with someone else.

If you split up and end up with a few different bfs or gfs over the next few years those feelings will lessen for him as he gains more experience and has more sexual encounters himself.

Right now... There is not a whole lot you can do to change how he feels. In future, with other bfs, learn that there's no need to go into too much detail.

Potatoeman

kunst nugget wrote: »

She told him she gave a guy a blowjob and told him some of the details about it. I can't really see how this was gratuitous and cruel. I think the fact she is being made to feel like dirt about something that happened in the past and can't be changed by a boyfriend that is acting in quite a passive aggressive by making threats about breaking up with her wouldn't bode well for me for how she'll be treated in the future. She now feels like shouldn't have said it. What else will she not be able to say to him for fear of making him feel bad? That's an extremely unhealthy reaction on his part and has the makings of an unhealthy relationship where she will be unable to be honest with her partner if it continues in that manner.

She said she gave lots of details. Look at the number if threads about this causing issues. If your partner is okay with it sure but if they are not you should respect that too.

heretochat

I will sum up my view on this very quickly:

- Both appear young and immature
- Op was naive to go into so much detail
- BF has completely over-reacted
- Both should go separate ways and learn from the experience

Chemist Difference

kunst nugget wrote: »

Why is it her fault that he is unable to process the information in a healthy manner? The intention wasn't to taunt or tease him as far as I can gather. Partners should be able to discuss past sexual experiences without having to suffer for it.

Well he can't help it either that he can't process it, he knows it's ridiculoua but he can't stop the thoughts. No one is to blame.

qdawg86

So, lets say he does break up with you because of this......will he be refraining from getting with any girl who has ever given a guy a blow job ?

I very much doubt it.

2Mad2BeMad

Just my point

Same happened with me

My current gf who I am with 4 years
for some reason into yr 2 of our relationship she told me everyone she had sex with, I don't remember now how the conversation came up as I don't care for it anymore
but at the time I remember she told me this one person (who I actually happened to know at the time, this person and I were not good friends I'll put it that way) she said she "rode him over a car"
that image stuck with me for weeks, I couldn't help it, but it just really got to me. I was pure shocked mainly because I'm with her now and she done that too someone who I hated even though I was not with her at the time.

I never gave out too her for it as its her past, its her business.
But too be honest I would of preferred to have never known, that image is still with me too this day, but its not playing over and over again, just rarely remember it every now and again (most likely because I knew the guy so it didn't help)

She said sorry for telling me, which to be honest still didn't help the situation.
I eventually got over it , but I was seriously considering leaving her at the time.
No one wants to know their partners sexual past, all it does is create unwanted images in their heads
its the reason I don't tell her my past

long story short, She shouldn't of said anything, but I got over it too a certain degree, I don't let it bother me anymore, were with each other 4 years now although I can see us breaking up soon but thats a different story for another day

best of luck op but I can see where you bf is coming from, last thing he wants is too image you sucking another guy off
would you like too image him having sex with another girl? its not nice, and too be honest no one can win from telling eachs other past.

hopefully he gets over it

2Mad2BeMad

qdawg86 wrote: »

So, lets say he does break up with you because of this......will he be refraining from getting with any girl who has ever given a guy a blow job ?

I very much doubt it.

Its the fact that HE is with her now, their in a commited relationship so in his mind it should only be them too fooling around
He doesnt want too know who she gave a bj too, would you like it? its a turn off in my opinion what good does it do seriously:pac: although nothing wrong actually happened, it doesnt exactly say I love you when your talking about giving another guy head before I was with you

Mickeroo

squidneeeyz wrote: »

Another thing is that it isn't that he wants to have these thoughts. He realizes it's ridiculous to think about it all the time, but it's still stuck with him. It definitely got to him mentally, and now it's hard to get out. It takes time and mental effort, but obviously, it's all up to him. I really hate seeing him go through this from something I shouldn't have said, not gonna lie.

Don't be so harsh on yourself, getting so upset about something you did with an ex is not normal imo.

It's perfectly natural for a couple to talk about previous sexual experiences once they're comfortable with each other.

Ham Sambo

squidneeeyz wrote: »

I understand what I've done was a huge mistake. Believe me. I regret it so much, way too much. I just wish I could go back into the past and change that conversation. I just didn't think about it at the time, I didn't know about the impact it would've really had. I've apologized so many times.

Thank you, I'll definitely look up those ways and suggest it to him.

Surely your bf can appreciate that you had boyfriends in the past and had sex with them?? ok so maybe you went a wee bit too far with the bj thingy, but I think he is been a little over sensitive, nobody is perfect!!!!

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Surely your bf can appreciate that you had boyfriends in the past and had sex with them?? ok so maybe you went a wee bit too far with the bj thingy, but I think he is been a little over sensitive, nobody is perfect!!!!

Yeugh. You can see it from both sides. I posted on a different thread on this forum about not caring how many sexual partners someone had had. And I wouldn't care.

But if she were to start getting into the nitty gritty of who/where/when/why I'd be immediately put off, simply because I'd wonder about her personality then, how did she think I would want to hear this information?

Maybe it's possible the OP's bf is considering the relationship as he doesn't think she is mature enough for him.

CaraMay

Op it's really not classy spilling the beans on what you did with ex's. That's private and should be kept between the two people involved. Imagine if he was telling all his mates, in detail, what you did to him? Not nice huh?

Stavro Mueller

At this stage there's nothing you can do. You can't go back in time and spare him the gory details. If he can't come to terms with what you did then maybe it might be better if you do break up. It's four months now and it's still tormenting him. To be honest I can't see how a breakup will "remove" these thoughts from his head either. It might be some sort of revenge but that's about it.

I think you know now that it was a naive thing to have said. Telling a partner about your previous sexual history is always fraught with danger. Some people can handle it but a log of people don't.

You don't deserve if he breaks up with you for something so small and somewhat silly, but he also didn't deserve you going into so much detail about everything. I mean... why would you do that?

qdawg86

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

Its the fact that HE is with her now, their in a commited relationship so in his mind it should only be them too fooling around

It is only them two fooling around !!! The OP has not stated otherwise.

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

He doesn't want too know who she gave a bj too, would you like it?

I wouldn't care. I'm in a loving, committed relationship with my partner and I it would not make a bit of difference if he had 100 partners before me. I'm certainly not naive enough to believe that because I don't hear about it, that it never happened.

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

Its a turn off in my opinion what good does it do seriously:pac:

Well thats your problem. Grown ups, who are in a healthy relationship can talk about anything...ANYTHING, without the fear of getting dumped. Especially for something as unavoidable as having a past.

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

Although nothing wrong actually happened, it doesnt exactly say I love you when your talking about giving another guy head before I was with you

So how did the conversation start up ? They were watching Neighbours one evening and the OP just starts up with a story of how she gave her ex a blow job??? That would be very odd and I am assuming they were having a conversation of this nature, which led to the OP divulging this information.

To be honest OP, your other half sounds immature and more worryingly-insecure. A guy with an inferiority complex is the biggest turn off for me. Let him dump you and go on his merry way to find a virgin bride, unsullied by another man :rolleyes:

The Corinthian

squidneeeyz wrote: »

Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him.

Unless you were going out with your boyfriend at the time you gave this other chap fellatio, I'm at a complete loss what you may have done wrong as it is unreasonable to the point of clinically insane for anyone to presume that your boy or girlfriend should have no sexual history whatsoever.

It's your boyfriend's issue, not yours. I remember as a teenager being told by my girlfriend the same thing and honestly the only thing that came to mind was "woohoo! I'm going to get a blowjob!" Honestly, I feel that if you break up with him it may well be a blessing in disguise for you.

Either way, this self-pity cannot continue indefinitely. I'd suggest you tell him that you've nothing to be ashamed about (which you don't), and he needs to explain why he is so upset so you can both find a way to put it behind you. Otherwise, maybe he is better off feeling sorry for himself on his own.

2Mad2BeMad

qdawg86 wrote: »

It is only them two fooling around !!! The OP has not stated otherwise.



I wouldn't care. I'm in a loving, committed relationship with my partner and I it would not make a bit of difference if he had 100 partners before me. I'm certainly not naive enough to believe that because I don't hear about it, that it never happened.



Well thats your problem. Grown ups, who are in a healthy relationship can talk about anything...ANYTHING, without the fear of getting dumped. Especially for something as unavoidable as having a past.



So how did the conversation start up ? They were watching Neighbours one evening and the OP just starts up with a story of how she gave her ex a blow job??? That would be very odd and I am assuming they were having a conversation of this nature, which led to the OP divulging this information.

To be honest OP, your other half sounds immature and more worryingly-insecure. A guy with an inferiority complex is the biggest turn off for me. Let him dump you and go on his merry way to find a virgin bride, unsullied by another man :rolleyes:

all I am going to say is, you don't understand until it happens to you and been honest it would effect most people, sure after been with a partner years but in a new relationship , its not appropriate unless you guys are in to that sort of thing

You really think discussing in detail how you sucked someone off too your bf is ok? your obviously into that sort of thing, well thats your relationship :L and I'll leave it at that.

Taltos

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Balaclava1991

It's his problem not yours.

So you had sex with other guys and gave them blowjobs before you met him? Big deal!

He never had sex with another girl or went down on her did?

Is that how fragile your relationship is that he is jealous about giving another guy head before you were ever together?

Dump the sap and find someone worth bothering with. He sounds like a total fool.