Wife hates all in-laws

jcon1913

A bit of background - I am married for the last 20 years, 25 years with my wife overall. We have 3 kids together 2 teenagers, one boy of 10.

My wife has had a problem with all my family for the last 10 years, she constantly slags them off to me and now to our kids. It doesn't create too much hassle 'cause I keep my mouth shut most of the time.

The youngest is now asking 'why does nanny not visit', and asking about his cousins.

My wife doesnt want my family visiting our house, but this whole situation is driving me nuts. I have to visit my family if I want to see them, they are not allowed near my house. It has always been like this TBH but it is coming to a head.

I want my own family to be able to visit me in my house, but my wife os digging her heels in a saying that they should not come near the place.

Any advice from boardies?

denhaagenite

What are her issues exactly? Is there any particular reason for her to not want them around? How do they feel about her? What sparked this all off?

freshpopcorn

What reasons does she have for not liking them?

Big Bag of Chips

If this bothers you, why do you keep your mouth shut? Why not bring it up with her?

Ok, if something happened that has turned her against your family, fair enough. But she should be mature and adult enough about it to keep your 10 year old out of it. He doesn't need to be involved in the complexities of adult relationships.... Unless your family pose a risk to him?

You're not happy about something, but seem afraid to address it with your wife.. so first piece of advice would be, talk to her. Tell her you appreciate how she feels, but you'd rather not listen to her badmouthing your family to your child.

Visiting might be trickier, but there's no rule to say your family have to visit your home. There is nothing wrong with you going there. We very rarely get family visiting us, but we would go to see them quite regularly.

jcon1913

denhaagenite wrote: »

What are her issues exactly? Is there any particular reason for her to not want them around? How do they feel about her? What sparked this all off?

Sorry I started off with a short post because to explain all the issues might take a while...but here goes.

My mother - she looked the children for us for a weekend about 7 years ago, over the course of the weekend my mother broke the cooker, and had my sister and brother over to visit. So there's a grudge there.
My siblings - my wife views them all as layabouts ( I agree in some cases ) or losers in dead-end jobs. BTW her own family are a bunch of basket cases but she has cut all ties with them so credit where credits due.
In general if I mention my family theres some sort of snide comment back running them down.

freshpopcorn

Well I don't think your mother broke the cooker on purpose. So, I don't think this should be an issue. I could understand your wife being annoyed about it. If you or ye're kids broke the cooker would she kick ye out of the house?
As for your siblings if they are happy that's all that counts as longs as they not harming anybody else. Some people are happy having a little job and getting by.

jcon1913

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If this bothers you, why do you keep your mouth shut? Why not bring it up with her?

Ok, if something happened that has turned her against your family, fair enough. But she should be mature and adult enough about it to keep your 10 year old out of it. He doesn't need to be involved in the complexities of adult relationships.... Unless your family pose a risk to him?

You're not happy about something, but seem afraid to address it with your wife.. so first piece of advice would be, talk to her. Tell her you appreciate how she feels, but you'd rather not listen to her badmouthing your family to your child.

Visiting might be trickier, but there's no rule to say your family have to visit your home. There is nothing wrong with you going there. We very rarely get family visiting us, but we would go to see them quite regularly.

I don't bring it up for the sake of peace in the house. There is no moving here on this issue ( like many others ). It's a 3 day rant if I try to discuss it with her.

There's no real issue with them visiting I couldn't care less about that aspect if she doesn't want them in the house.

The problem is that shes gone from bad to worse on this issue and there seems to be no end to the bile emitting from her on the issue of the family.

My family pose absolutely no risk to anyone, apart from themselves :pac::pac::pac:

Taltos

Have to ask this OP but how long before she directs this bile onto you...

Not kidding but as above breaking a cooker was hardly intentional, and having your siblings over while she was baby sitting for you and your wife is not just reasonable but should be expected. Right now - her reactions seem overblown and exaggerated - so much so that I think my first question is something you should be concerned about and maybe its time to seek some professional help. Who knows maybe she has bigger problems than you have let on here and her way of dealing with them is by projecting them - first to her own family (who knows though maybe this was valid) but now onto yours?

If you had posted that your parents were dangerous alcoholics, drug dealers or at risk of harming your children then I could understand her actions but you haven't...

jcon1913

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Well I don't think your mother broke the cooker on purpose. So, I don't think this should be an issue. I could understand your wife being annoyed about it. If you or ye're kids broke the cooker would she kick ye out of the house?
As for your siblings if they are happy that's all that counts as longs as they not harming anybody else. Some people are happy having a little job and getting by.

She makes it an issue, I can make your dodgy haircut ( or whatever ) an issue if I want. Needless to say we never went on another weekend away:pac::pac::pac:

I feel at a dead end here that's the problem, there's no end to the poison emitting from her in relation to my family and if I raise it it's a question of 'it's my way or the highway'.

jcon1913

Taltos wrote: »

Have to ask this OP but how long before she directs this bile onto you...

Not kidding but as above breaking a cooker was hardly intentional, and having your siblings over while she was baby sitting for you and your wife is not just reasonable but should be expected. Right now - her reactions seem overblown and exaggerated - so much so that I think my first question is something you should be concerned about and maybe its time to seek some professional help. Who knows maybe she has bigger problems than you have let on here and her way of dealing with them is by projecting them - first to her own family (who knows though maybe this was valid) but now onto yours?

If you had posted that your parents were dangerous alcoholics, drug dealers or at risk of harming your children then I could understand her actions but you haven't...

The anger has been directed at me but I just let it go over my head I guess.

When you say professional help, I have already suggested that my wife go to counselling herself but she won't. She had a lot of problems in her own family - too long to go in to here. Her parents, both dead, were hard cases, both alcoholics.

My own family are harmless - just a danger to themselves the usual Irish mixture of personalities really.

denhaagenite

You need to talk to her about this. Tell her that it's having an impact on both you and your children. I'm sure your family have some good aspects, skills or hobbies they have that may influence in a good way on the children, and give them the ability to know where they have come from and in general just have more loving people in their lives. She married you, and as a result they are her family too. After 25 years together they are just as much her responsibility as yours.

My husband and I do not have any contact whatsoever with my parents in law and this has extended to limited contact with my sister in law and nephew. This breaks both our hearts as, before alcoholism and mental health issues strangled them both completely, they had good points. My sister in law's boyfriend is a lovely guy so that's lucky but he doesn't have any say in the matter so it doesn't help our situation. We also have daily contact with his grandparents, aunts and uncles and some cousins despite living in another country so I'm not worried about any children we may have in the future but with the relationship my husband has with my parents, brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews I can definitely see how everyone would miss out. Having said that, if we do have children, they will not be allowed next or near them unless they have personality transplants. The stories that my husband has told me about his upbringing just make me incredibly angry, and my parents were less than ideal.

Try and tackle it from the children's point of view. Badmouthing your family in front of them has to stop immediately. They're not model people, but they haven't done anything sinister or wrong to warrant the bile she is creating apparently. Tell her that she can't exactly pass judgement on people that she refuses to know, and that that is harming your children's development in fact- she is the bad influence in this case, not them. After that, it may be a long slow process to try and get her to allow the children to see their family and possibly for her to invite them into your home, but it does begin with communication.

strobe

Do you love her? Does she have any good points? She directs her anger at you, goes on three day rants when you question her and runs down your family to your face and to your children in front of you despite (or maybe because of) the fact it understandably upsets you?

I know it's hard to judge someone or a situation based on a few posts here but the picture you paint of her is of an extremely unpleasant, spitefull, controlling bully.

Is there some long list of redeeming qualities this woman has that you've not mentioned that you somehow feels makes up for the above to some degree?

LadyGodivva

7 years is a ridiculous time to be annoyed about a cooker. Does she not see that your mother doing something nice for you by babysitting allowed her to go on a weekend away? Accidents happen. Tbh op i would just tell her that its your house to and as far as you're concerned your family are welcome and start having them over, she can head elsewhere if she wishes. I would def say to her not to bad mouth your family to the children, thats not on, they're the kids family too

jcon1913

strobe wrote: »

Do you love her? Does she have any good points? She directs her anger at you, goes on three day rants when you question her and runs down your family to your face and to your children in front of you despite (or maybe because of) the fact it understandably upsets you?

I know it's hard to judge someone or a situation based on a few posts here but the picture you paint of her is of an extremely unpleasant, spitefull, controlling bully.

Is there some long list of redeeming qualities this woman has that you've not mentioned that you somehow feels makes up for the above to some degree?

She's the best in many aspects - great with the kids, nothing is too much trouble, she looks after them really well. She spoils them in some respects ( what mother doesn't ) although she is quick with the corrections if one of them needs pulling up.

She's great in the house - a bit OCD if that's not a contradiction in terms.

No bother there, but this is beginning to be a pain in the a***.

I don't know if this family issue is a relection of how she feels about me, I was looking for peoples opinions TBH.

I didn't want to cloud the waters with a 3 page post about all aspects of our relationship, so kept it short deliberately. But this is a red-light issue, so yes I have not confronted her about this.

She seems to bottle it up and all is well until I mention my family or they come up in conversation. I have been very tempted to record some of what she says because she spouts all sorts of stuff then calms down. I often ignore her for the evening / whatever...then it's back to normal the next day.

I am sure we will have someone on here to tell us all how dysfunctional the relationship is, but TBH this is how my own parents got on. If there was a row in the house, the only sign would be silence between my parents.

littleblackDRS

I don't think she is being unreasonable if she thinks your family are toxic. I would be annoyed if someone trashed my stuff while I was away, and invited people over without any permission. I think you are just really glossing over why she doesn't like your family. If she doesn't want "layabouts" in her house or near her kids, that's her choice. Nothing stopping you going to see them in their homes, she just doesn't want them in her home. I think it's pretty clear she's just trying to cut contact with people she feels are toxic, as she has with her own family. She's not stopping you seeing anyone, just trying to keep them away from her.

ibarelycare

OP it's interesting that, when you were asked if you loved your wife, you mention her good points as a mother and a home-keeper, but not as your partner.

This sounds like a terrible relationship. How can you be with someone who dictates to you like that? Do you not realise what a doormat she's making you?

jcon1913

littleblackDRS wrote: »

I don't think she is being unreasonable if she thinks your family are toxic. I would be annoyed if someone trashed my stuff while I was away, and invited people over without any permission. I think you are just really glossing over why she doesn't like your family. If she doesn't want "layabouts" in her house or near her kids, that's her choice. Nothing stopping you going to see them in their homes, she just doesn't want them in her home. I think it's pretty clear she's just trying to cut contact with people she feels are toxic, as she has with her own family. She's not stopping you seeing anyone, just trying to keep them away from her.

You know what these are reasonable points, its that it has become a rant, don't know what other people's experiences are / what advice they can offer.

jcon1913

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP it's interesting that, when you were asked if you loved your wife, you mention her good points as a mother and a home-keeper, but not as your partner.

This sounds like a terrible relationship. How can you be with someone who dictates to you like that? Do you not realise what a doormat she's making you?

It's very tempting to jump right in there and tell you what's what...but I won't. Thanks for your constructive comments.

Yes I love her and she loves me, I don't want to go down the ''if you loved me you would change'' route.

littleblackDRS

jcon1913 wrote: »

You know what these are reasonable points, its that it has become a rant, don't know what other people's experiences are / what advice they can offer.

I think the best thing to do is to talk about it calmly, while realising that she will probably get wound up, but keep your cool. It's clearly an emotive subject for her.

I think you just need to clear up why she is so bitter (without using the word bitter in the conversation!) Could be that she doesn't feel like you respect her views, could be as simple as she doesn't feel like she's cleared the air (you wont know until you talk to her).

I don't think there's any chance you'll change her mind, and I don't think she should have to, but you might at least stop the bickering.

freshpopcorn

littleblackDRS wrote: »

I don't think she is being unreasonable if she thinks your family are toxic. I would be annoyed if someone trashed my stuff while I was away, and invited people over without any permission. I think you are just really glossing over why she doesn't like your family. If she doesn't want "layabouts" in her house or near her kids, that's her choice. Nothing stopping you going to see them in their homes, she just doesn't want them in her home. I think it's pretty clear she's just trying to cut contact with people she feels are toxic, as she has with her own family. She's not stopping you seeing anyone, just trying to keep them away from her.

The cooker is theirs not hers and I don't think it was broke on purpose, accidents do happen. The house is also theirs and the mother in law mightn't have relished that she couldn't have her children over. The house isn't hers it's their house and the kids are theirs and if he wants the kids to have contact with his family they should.
He doesn't stop her family from calling over so she should allow his family to visit as well seeing the fact that it's his house to.

littleblackDRS

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The cooker is theirs not hers and I don't think it was broke on purpose, accidents do happen. The house is also theirs and the mother in law mightn't have relished that she couldn't have her children over. The house isn't hers it's their house and the kids are theirs and if he wants the kids to have contact with his family they should.
He doesn't stop her family from calling over so she should allow his family to visit as well seeing the fact that it's his house to.

A respectful person would ask, not just assume. I just think this whole thing runs a lot deeper than we're seeing. I really don't understand the concept of "we have to tolerate toxic people because they're family". She's perfectly right to want to protect her kids if she feels they're a bad influence. When the kids are old enough, they can instigate a relationship if they want, but I don't think she can be faulted for trying protected her kids, even if it's only from a perceived threat.

freshpopcorn

littleblackDRS wrote: »

A respectful person would ask, not just assume. I just think this whole thing runs a lot deeper than we're seeing. I really don't understand the concept of "we have to tolerate toxic people because they're family". She's perfectly right to want to protect her kids if she feels they're a bad influence. When the kids are old enough, they can instigate a relationship if they want, but I don't think she can be faulted for trying protected her kids, even if it's only from a perceived threat.

But he is their father and he should have a say in who they can see and have a relationship. A respectful wife/mother should allow her husband have a say who can call to their house or who can associate with their children.

Victoria Fortescue

jcon1913 wrote: »

I am sure we will have someone on here to tell us all how dysfunctional the relationship is, but TBH this is how my own parents got on. If there was a row in the house, the only sign would be silence between my parents.

It doesn't make it the right way of dealing with things. These days couples communicate, and discuss their issues and hope to resolve them. Blanking each other solves nothing, and it can result in resentment.

Not for one second am I suggesting this, but how would your wife like it if you slagged off her family? There's no way in hell would I let anyone speak ill of any of my family. So what if your mother broke the cooker, it was obviously not intentional. You don't cut out family over accidents.

You need to tell her, not ask her for permission, that your family is coming over to visit. She had no right to deny you or your children of that. She needs to build a bridge and get over it.

Meauldsegosha

littleblackDRS wrote: »

A respectful person would ask, not just assume. I just think this whole thing runs a lot deeper than we're seeing. I really don't understand the concept of "we have to tolerate toxic people because they're family". She's perfectly right to want to protect her kids if she feels they're a bad influence. When the kids are old enough, they can instigate a relationship if they want, but I don't think she can be faulted for trying protected her kids, even if it's only from a perceived threat.

In fairness though his family don't appear that toxic, she just doesn't like them because she preceives them as "layabouts" and "losers in dead-end" jobs. It sounds to me like she is a snob. She also sounds very childish when she goes off on "3 day rants".

OP I'm not sure if you came on here really looking for advice or just to rant but the prevailing view is that you should talk to your wife and don't let her shut the conversation down.

jcon1913

littleblackDRS wrote: »

I think the best thing to do is to talk about it calmly, while realising that she will probably get wound up, but keep your cool. It's clearly an emotive subject for her.

I think you just need to clear up why she is so bitter (without using the word bitter in the conversation!) Could be that she doesn't feel like you respect her views, could be as simple as she doesn't feel like she's cleared the air (you wont know until you talk to her).

I don't think there's any chance you'll change her mind, and I don't think she should have to, but you might at least stop the bickering.

I have no idea why she is so bitter, I'm guessing that its many many things about my family that annoy her. Just like hers annoy me. Maybe she expects me to fall out with my family like she did with hers, but hers are backet cases - even she would agree with that. BTW I never slag hers off unless she gets there before me - then I might agree - somtimes I even defend them...

There is no question of her changing her mind, TBH I wouldn't expect that.

jcon1913

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

In fairness though his family don't appear that toxic, she just doesn't like them because she preceives them as "layabouts" and "losers in dead-end" jobs. It sounds to me like she is a snob. She also sounds very childish when she goes off on "3 day rants".

OP I'm not sure if you came on here really looking for advice or just to rant but the prevailing view is that you should talk to your wife and don't let her shut the conversation down.

She is a total snob TBH, ''smoking in the street, so-and-so is such knacker'', ''He's from nothing'' etc etc.

Sorry about the ranting, I just want to find a way around this without world war 3 kicking off.

I can't change my family. I can't change the way she feels about then. I would like the youngest to know a few of his cousins and meet his granny a little more often, that's all.

Talking, to date, has done nothing for the problem it only causes more rows, so I am just choosing the wrong words, or going about it in the wrong way. that's the point of this - I am going about it in the wrong way. ( or am I? )

username123

jcon1913 wrote: »

I am sure we will have someone on here to tell us all how dysfunctional the relationship is, but TBH this is how my own parents got on. If there was a row in the house, the only sign would be silence between my parents.

^^This is important.

Dont make the same mistakes of the past. People didnt used to talk about how they felt and many a miserable marriage was the result. That was before divorce - there was no point then, once you made the vows you were stuck with it. My own (horribly dysfunctional and one of them an alcoholic) parents were exactly the same. It did not develop my own conflict resolution skills and as a result I too am a "clammer upper" when I get angry. However, I have learned to walk away, calm down, then come back and talk. There is no way I want my marriage to have that horrible silent treatment emotional abuse rather than communication.

You need to communicate with your wife. Tell her that this is causing you emotional distress. If she genuinely will not listen and have some kind of a reasonable talk with you - then you have bigger issues than your wife not liking your family. If couples cant communicate respectfully then whats the point in being married?

Big Bag of Chips

If you want the youngest to see his granny more often, bring him to see her. I haven't had any falling out with my mother but she would rarely visit our house! But I regularly go to hers. My kids have a fairly good relationship with most of their cousins because we go to visit them, or go out somewhere with them... Mostly my mother would bring them all somewhere

Does she object to you bringing your child to see your family?

jcon1913

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The cooker is theirs not hers and I don't think it was broke on purpose, accidents do happen. The house is also theirs and the mother in law mightn't have relished that she couldn't have her children over. The house isn't hers it's their house and the kids are theirs and if he wants the kids to have contact with his family they should.
He doesn't stop her family from calling over so she should allow his family to visit as well seeing the fact that it's his house to.

Eh no we have no contact with her family - her choice. The kids see my family but only in my family's houses if you know what I mean,

freshpopcorn

jcon1913 wrote: »

Eh no we have no contact with her family - her choice. The kids see my family but only in my family's houses if you know what I mean,

I do know what you mean. I saw it on one of your other posts when I read the thread again.
I don't want to sound harsh to the woman but does she have a problem with relationships? I just ask this because she has none with your family or hers and I feel that ye might have a communication problem in ye're marriage because you said that mentioning things can result in a three day rant.

K_P

Hi OP,

Maybe because of her own background, does your wife see all families as trouble and want to cut both her own and your family out of both your lives?

There should be no subject so difficult between a husband and wife that raising it would lead to a 3 day rant. This, coupled with the fact that she still talks about her own family despite having cut contact with them, would suggest some serious unresolved issues. She clearly has had a difficult family background but she's now made life with your family very difficult and is passing her issues on to the next generation. I think counselling to deal with her anger and with her attitudes to families would be beneficial.

Although if you're too scared of raising the issue of your family visiting your house for fear of WW3 kicking off, I can't imagine suggesting she see a counsellor would go too well too. I'm not too sure what advice you're looking for actually. You don't want to ask her to change, you don't expect her to change. Therefore if she's ok with your children seeing your family in their houses, then you probably have the best situation you can hope for.

Having said that, ranting for days and being afraid to broach a topic with your partner is not a healthy relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way... My uncle's wife never spoke to us growing up. She never had anything to do with our family. Never came to family functions. Never visited my granny, who lived across the road from her. It kind of became a joke between all the cousins, that we'd call over for the tea to see would she answer the door to us.

Now we are all adults. I still have no idea what ever happened to cause her to not speak to any of us, but I have met her occasionally, and am super nice to her (to the point of being deliberately irritating!) We now have a great relationship with our cousins, her children, from meeting at weddings etc.

The woman will never be friendly to us. We don't feel like we are losing anything by not having her in our lives. We would see our uncle occassionally and our cousins too. We don't need her to be part of our family, and our family seem to have coped fine without her all these years.

What I'm saying is, if she doesn't object to you bringing your children to your family, then stick with that. You should stand up to her though and stop her badmouthing your family. You don't have to argue or disagree with her. Just tell her you know her opinion, and don't need to hear it again!

By the way, we have NEVER set foot inside that uncle's house!!

denhaagenite

jcon1913 wrote: »

It's very tempting to jump right in there and tell you what's what...but I won't. Thanks for your constructive comments.

Yes I love her and she loves me, I don't want to go down the ''if you loved me you would change'' route.

Too many people on here ready to fly off the handle here. Everything is a dealbreaker :rolleyes:. After 25 years and 3 (almost) teenage children it's a bit more complicated than that. We can sometimes become a bit insular within our relationships, things can become issues without us even realising and if we don't tell our partners then they can sometimes not realise how big the issue is either. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I'm going to be like after 25 years.

I can see with my own parents in law, the big problem is that even when she says something completely crazy and untrue, he agrees with her for a quiet life thus making the surreal real. It's been going on so long that I'm not sure if he believes it, or agrees with or enjoys it, but I think if he had just told her in the beginning that what she was saying wasn't true then there wouldn't be such a huge problem now- with her mental health I mean. I know part of it is that he likes coming across as being a bit of a wounded soldier as my oh used to have a tendency to do the same, but it's cost him a relationship with his son and his whole family as he would rather look like an all supporting husband than admit that they're wrong, he knows it and they need help. Everyone blames her, but personally I think it's his fault for not getting off his arse to help her.

Does she have a problem with you taking the children to see them actually? Is it just that she doesn't want them in the house and to see them herself?

jcon1913

K_P wrote: »

Hi OP,

Maybe because of her own background, does your wife see all families as trouble and want to cut both her own and your family out of both your lives?

There should be no subject so difficult between a husband and wife that raising it would lead to a 3 day rant. This, coupled with the fact that she still talks about her own family despite having cut contact with them, would suggest some serious unresolved issues. She clearly has had a difficult family background but she's now made life with your family very difficult and is passing her issues on to the next generation. I think counselling to deal with her anger and with her attitudes to families would be beneficial.

Although if you're too scared of raising the issue of your family visiting your house for fear of WW3 kicking off, I can't imagine suggesting she see a counsellor would go too well too. I'm not too sure what advice you're looking for actually. You don't want to ask her to change, you don't expect her to change. Therefore if she's ok with your children seeing your family in their houses, then you probably have the best situation you can hope for.

Having said that, ranting for days and being afraid to broach a topic with your partner is not a healthy relationship.

Yeah I agree some of what I said is contradictory, but there ya go. Not being smart we have a lot of issues. I don't want to go in to all of them here and now.

jcon1913

denhaagenite wrote: »

Too many people on here ready to fly off the handle here. Everything is a dealbreaker :rolleyes:. After 25 years and 3 (almost) teenage children it's a bit more complicated than that. We can sometimes become a bit insular within our relationships, things can become issues without us even realising and if we don't tell our partners then they can sometimes not realise how big the issue is either. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I'm going to be like after 25 years.

I can see with my own parents in law, the big problem is that even when she says something completely crazy and untrue, he agrees with her for a quiet life thus making the surreal real. It's been going on so long that I'm not sure if he believes it, or agrees with or enjoys it, but I think if he had just told her in the beginning that what she was saying wasn't true then there wouldn't be such a huge problem now- with her mental health I mean. I know part of it is that he likes coming across as being a bit of a wounded soldier as my oh used to have a tendency to do the same, but it's cost him a relationship with his son and his whole family as he would rather look like an all supporting husband than admit that they're wrong, he knows it and they need help. Everyone blames her, but personally I think it's his fault for not getting off his arse to help her.

Does she have a problem with you taking the children to see them actually? Is it just that she doesn't want them in the house and to see them herself?

Yeah my wife does not really have a problem with me bringing the children to see my family, just she runs my family down the whole time, refuses to have anything to do with any of them - weddings, baptisms, Christmas, whatever. And no way are they allowed to visit.

I understand what you are saying about your father in law. I have 3 children that frankly I want to have a ralationship with when they grow up. I can see why maybe your father went along with the rantings of his wife for a quiet life.

I wont have a relationship with my kids if I leave the family home now - now to mention no roof over my head!

Anyway things are not that bad, but they are probably heading that way with the trouble that is brewing between us at the moment.

LegacyUser

I think in some cases with in-laws your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

I know people who have in-laws they don't like for various reasons but they don't say this in front of the children.
In your wife regard I would say to her that you want your family to be in a position to call over to your house an odd time.
Ask her if I invite them over at such a time on such a day would this be ok?
I would then tell her she does not have to be here but that you want the children to be in the house when your relatives visit.
It would be nice for you own children to know there grandparents and relatives.

Your wife from what you told us did not have the nicest family. She may not like your family members due to various reasons. At this stage your children should know there relatives and get a chance to make up there own minds about them.
I have a lot of cousins that I knew from the time I was a small child. Now as an adult I look forward to meeting some of them now but some of them I don't like.
Any time I meet the ones I don't have a lot of time for I would always be friendly.

denhaagenite

Well the fact that you're here asking for advice suggests that you want to fix things and honestly that's all any of us need to know.

How about other people? Does she mind having yours and her friends over?

As I said in the beginning, first step is definitely communication. If you think it will come up naturally, I would suggest not to push the issue with her. I think it would be easier if, during the conversation, she can't say "This is your fault because you brought it up in the first place"

When it comes up, first ask her if she feels they have done or will do anything to harm her. Then, make her aware that you feel it is damaging to the children and if she needs to slate them then you insist that she does it when they are not around- stress to her that this doesn't mean in another room where they might possibly here something as they are not stupid. I would follow on by making it clear to her that you feel that you will be undermined in your children's eyes for who you come from, which is unequivocally not on.

If this causes a row, tell her that you are under mental strain from this situation and then be completely honest with her- tell her you feel like it is hurting your relationship. Tell her that it makes you feel differently about her and that you want things to improve- let her know that you are willing to go down the counselling route with her if necessary. Then, if this is the case, tell her you're not sure how things will end up if you can't resolve it.

Best of luck, I know it's not an easy situation. We all need a good kick in the arse sometimes and if you're lucky it might do the trick.

Victoria Fortescue

jcon1913 wrote: »

Anyway things are not that bad, but they are probably heading that way with the trouble that is brewing between us at the moment.

And you need to tell her that. She thinks she has control over this situation, and quite frankly it's bullying. Your wife assumes she can just sweep it under the carpet, but it is you that has led her to believe that she can do this. You're going to have to stand up to her. I wouldn't take it if she decides blanking you will get her out of it. I'd tell her that your marriage is heading for trouble and she had better listen.

Neyite

What about making the suggestion that you hope your 3 children are as loving and as close in years to come as they are now, that you hope a son or daughter in law doesn't expect them to cut themselves off from your wife or you or their siblings the way that you and your wife are now?

How hurt would she be if a daughter in law thought she was a loser and discourages her son and grandchildren from visiting her in her later years?

Little Acorn

Something seriously wrong here. She can't have always hated your mother if she liked and trusted her enough at one stage to mind kids for a whole weekend.

I just can't understand how accidentally breaking a cooker would turn this around so much to go from being happy enough with a person minding and spending time with your kids to suddenly not speaking to them for the next 7 years because of a cooker and because your mum invited your siblings over.

You mentioned your wife came from an alcoholic home, do any of your siblings that your mum invited over also have an active alcohol or other drug addictions now or at that time? Did one of them break the cooker? Had your wife specifically asked your mum not to have them around the children and did your mum break that trust? I'm just trying to understand the level of anger behind this incident as it seems very confusing to me.

If it is the case that none of your sibling or parents were behaving under the influence of anything in the house and that they were of no harm to anybody then I think the problem lies solely with your wife for some reason.

She has cut out her own family completely, could it be that she is jealous that you still have a relationship with your family? You know what they say - misery loves company.

Or is it that she really feels like she is just so much better and 'too good' for your family? I would personally find this attitude unacceptable in a partner.
She said of one of your family 'he comes from nothing' and she called him a 'knacker'. From what you say your family don't seem that bad, maybe not in high flying careers but you haven't said they are bad people.

This is your family she is speaking of too when she says 'comes from nothing'.
Does she think of herself as superior to you too?
I couldn't be with someone who thought they were somehow superior to me in some way. Disgusting attitude to have with someone you are meant to love.

Unless there is some other reason we don't know of that she hates your family, then I would say that you have a right to invite them over if you wish to. It's your house too and some compromise should be made. She could visit friends or something when your family visit. She can't have it all her own way.

I would also make it very clear to her that it is completely unacceptable for her to be bad mouthing your family to your 10 year old son.
Let her go on her fecking 3 day rant if she wants, she's banking on you shutting up and her getting her own way when she does this. Next time she starts just point out how immature and disgustingly rude she's being but whatever you do don't back down on this and stand your ground.

She sounds like a bully, and I would agree that she does sound like she has a problem with relationships that she should seek counselling about.

jcon1913

Little Acorn wrote: »

Something seriously wrong here. She can't have always hated your mother if she liked and trusted her enough at one stage to mind kids for a whole weekend.

I just can't understand how accidentally breaking a cooker would turn this around so much to go from being happy enough with a person minding and spending time with your kids to suddenly not speaking to them for the next 7 years because of a cooker and because your mum invited your siblings over.

You mentioned your wife came from an alcoholic home, do any of your siblings that your mum invited over also have an active alcohol or other drug addictions now or at that time? Did one of them break the cooker? Had your wife specifically asked your mum not to have them around the children and did your mum break that trust? I'm just trying to understand the level of anger behind this incident as it seems very confusing to me.

If it is the case that none of your sibling or parents were behaving under the influence of anything in the house and that they were of no harm to anybody then I think the problem lies solely with your wife for some reason.

She has cut out her own family completely, could it be that she is jealous that you still have a relationship with your family? You know what they say - misery loves company.

Or is it that she really feels like she is just so much better and 'too good' for your family? I would personally find this attitude unacceptable in a partner.
She said of one of your family 'he comes from nothing' and she called him a 'knacker'. From what you say your family don't seem that bad, maybe not in high flying careers but you haven't said they are bad people.

This is your family she is speaking of too when she says 'comes from nothing'.
Does she think of herself as superior to you too?
I couldn't be with someone who thought they were somehow superior to me in some way. Disgusting attitude to have with someone you are meant to love.

Unless there is some other reason we don't know of that she hates your family, then I would say that you have a right to invite them over if you wish to. It's your house too and some compromise should be made. She could visit friends or something when your family visit. She can't have it all her own way.

I would also make it very clear to her that it is completely unacceptable for her to be bad mouthing your family to your 10 year old son.
Let her go on her fecking 3 day rant if she wants, she's banking on you shutting up and her getting her own way when she does this. Next time she starts just point out how immature and disgustingly rude she's being but whatever you do don't back down on this and stand your ground.

She sounds like a bully, and I would agree that she does sound like she has a problem with relationships that she should seek counselling about.

Agreed - she got on with my mother for a while, but I don't know some other things may have happenned inthe mists of time.

One of my brothers is an alcoholic, another was on anti-depressants for a while ( although he has told nobody except my mother ):eek::eek::eek:

My wife may be jealous, so that's possible an explanation.

As a previous poster pointed out, it's all very well standing your ground, but when there is complete cross-reliance on each other it's difficult - we have one car that we share, I'm the breadwinner, she looks after the house and the kids. What going to happen - I keep the car and don't give it to her, cancel the bank cards, she lets the house go to rack and ruin, and the kids go hungry? we're very inter-dependent if you catch my drift. She can make life difficult for me if she chooses - so can I for her, I guess.

She wasn't calling my family members names but she is very quick to point out what she percieves as low standards in anyone. And she is a total snob.

Fentdog84

Well its clear enough that your family isnt the problem, its your wife is the one with all the issues here. Maybe she is jealous that you have a relationship with your family and she dosent with hers. Sounds like a lot to put up with. I dont know if theres a lot you can do, try and talk to her. get her to see a counsellor etc. If its reached the point you could even do something like threaten to leave her if she dosent try and change her ways or make some compromises. If you dont go down that road you may just have to accept the way things are. It sounds like its gone on too long and you should have put your foot down on this issue a long time ago.

hoodwinked

can i just throw in here,

i too think there is more to this then what is being said here,


like one thing i noticed is, you refer to your parents/siblings as 'my family' constantly, you don't seem to refer to and after 25 years you don't consider your wife and children to be 'my family' because they are, your parents are now your secondary family unit, your wife and children are your primary unit.

secondly, could the problem your wife has with your family be when ever she perceived them doing something wrong, you defended them over her?

maybe she is being a snob and judging them, but you don't seem to know if there is more to the issues than a broken cooker? so maybe there is more going on your wife hasn't been able to tell you?

i know on here we only get what you the op gives us, and i am making guesses based on your posts but your posts all seem to be skewed looking for some kind of justification or a reason to leave your wife imo as it sounds, it sounds like you both are very detached from one another and maybe need some couples counseling to address these issues.

it might help you both.

qdawg86

littleblackDRS wrote: »

I don't think she is being unreasonable if she thinks your family are toxic. I would be annoyed if someone trashed my stuff while I was away, and invited people over without any permission. I think you are just really glossing over why she doesn't like your family. If she doesn't want "layabouts" in her house or near her kids, that's her choice. Nothing stopping you going to see them in their homes, she just doesn't want them in her home. I think it's pretty clear she's just trying to cut contact with people she feels are toxic, as she has with her own family. She's not stopping you seeing anyone, just trying to keep them away from her.

'Trashed' their stuff ??

Invited 'people' over ??

What are you on about? The mother was doing them a favour by babysitting first if all. I seriously doubt that the cooker was trashed and family were invited over not just random people.

OP you need to start standing up for yourself and your family. You and your wife share children and a home, yet you sound like you have absolutely no rights or say here. Your wife is supposed to love you and yet she is preventing you from seeing your family in your own home and she is preventing your children from having a relationship with half of their family ?

She sounds selfish, spoiled and immature. It is clear she doesn't give a jot about your feelings in this respect and if you can't expect support from your spouse, who can you expect it from ?

junction12

littleblackDRS wrote: »

A respectful person would ask, not just assume. I just think this whole thing runs a lot deeper than we're seeing. I really don't understand the concept of "we have to tolerate toxic people because they're family". She's perfectly right to want to protect her kids if she feels they're a bad influence. When the kids are old enough, they can instigate a relationship if they want, but I don't think she can be faulted for trying protected her kids, even if it's only from a perceived threat.

This woman does not RESPECT her husband and the kids are there's not hers.
I also think that the woman may have trouble with relationships. She has no relationship with her family or her in-laws and the relationship with her husband sounds really strained. I think you really need to talk to her about how you are feeling and how her actions effect you.

LegacyUser

Op, I have a similar story to yourself. I'm alike to your wife, although not as vocal about it.

I don't like my other half's family. At first, I thought that maybe they just weren't used to me, or didn't know me well enough, but at this stage. . I've never felt welcome in their home. When I stayed over in my OH's house, I was expected to cook the meals for him when we wanted to eat. I said sure.. I'd do my half as I always did, but it was just the sly remarks like "Oh, Tony always does the cooking, you do it for once", that got to me a lot, that I'd either go without food and let him cook for himself, or just not go over.

It would be such as a family get together, or a special occasion, or even Christmas dinner that my OH's sibling's fiance would be invited, I never was. Even at my OH's graduation, there was a meal, and it felt horrible knowing that his sibling's fiance even was invited. I did bring this up with my OH and he said "Oh, I'm sure it'd be okay for you to come". I kind of expected that I would be invited you know. . Seeing as it was my OH's day. My OH just doesn't understand why I'm upset about this kind of stuff, so I gave up.

His sister, she has openly said to me that she thinks we should break up, a few times. She hasn't liked me since day 1. She'd comment on my weight, even though I'm a size 8 and slim. Or my choice of career, pr the fact that I hadn't got enough money to go away with her, my OH and her fiance, not that I wanted to in the first place! If we were asked out for drinks or whatever with her and her fiance, myself and the OH would both agree we didn't want to go out that night, and it'd always come back as "Oh, Tony said he was so looking forward to it, but didn't want to go just because you said no".

And also, it might seem trivial, but my OH is a real mammy's boy. It grinds my gears so much. He is extremely babied my the parents and the sister. Literally, they are so protective of him that it doesn't feel like a full on adult relationship.

My family, towards him, it's a brilliant relationship. My parents would even contact him first before me about a meal or a night out! I wish I had that sort of relationship with his parents, but no. .

I have discussed all of this with my OH, but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel about it. I put up with his family, but given the chance, I'd have your wife's attitude.




OP, I'm not sure that your wife is telling you every detail, if I'm honest. I'd recommend going for some sort of councelling. I just hope that my story might give you a bit of perspective.

Little Acorn

jcon1913 wrote: »

Agreed - she got on with my mother for a while, but I don't know some other things may have happenned inthe mists of time.

One of my brothers is an alcoholic

Was it this brother that your mum brought to the house when she was babysitting? Was he actively drinking at the time, or had your wife specifically asked that he not be brought there for fear that he would go on a drinking binge in front of your kids?

If this is the case (and considering that your wife had to endure alcoholic parents herself growing up), then I actually think she would be well justified in being angry to have her trust broken like that - if this is the case and it was this specific brother.

I'm starting to agree with hoodwinked and wondering if there is more to this than meets the eye?

thefeatheredcat

jcon1913 wrote: »

The problem is that shes gone from bad to worse on this issue and there seems to be no end to the bile emitting from her on the issue of the family.

What's changed OP? Why has it gone from bad to worse? Is it because the youngest is now asking questions?

jcon1913 wrote: »

The youngest is now asking 'why does nanny not visit', and asking about his cousins.

If there's an escalation in her verbalising how she feels about your family, there has to be a reason. I would see it as reasonable that perhaps if the youngest is now asking questions, she is unable to handle it and can only respond in remarks about the family rather than offering a reasonable explanation that the child could understand. It is probably easier for her to give negative remarks and go off on tangents about them to the children rather than provide either details about why there's no family on her side to talk about / visit, details of them which maybe she is worried about the children finding out about or feels threatened or pressured into maybe having to confront issues about her family in telling the children about them and side steps with escalations in her negative feelings about your family.

Perhaps she is afraid that her children will find out about her side of the family (I'm assuming that they are not talked about or anyway involved in anything with the children) were like or what your wife experienced and might see her differently. And perhaps then that fear is being projected upon in negatives about your siblings. And maybe then this negative slating of your family is also about keeping their attention or affection, maybe she is afraid of losing the children, in a way.

I don't know tbh. But if she has no problem with the children visiting your family, there is a possibility of in the future perhaps extending and reintegrating your family into her life through the children. And maybe that is something that she is afraid of; you might be ok with things are and the arrangements in visiting them, but there may be complications in the future if there are bonds made and the children want granny or cousins to be there on a special occasion in their lives and the inevitable rift that will come with it.

What's going to matter eventually is your children; they may want to have these people in their life and may want to know and understand why your wife has issue about them. They may end up drawing their own conclusions and forming their own opinions about both the family and your wife, some of which might be negative about your wife. They might form different opinions about cousins than what they have been told and find themselves at great odds with their mother.

As someone who can understand the need to cut ties with toxic people for good reason, I can also understand what a nightmare it is in not knowing family members and not knowing what you come from due to rifts and bad blood between family members in fallings out, shames, and rifts generations ago. For your children, their children I wouldn't want them to face the same situation in having parts that are important smudged out of history and family being erased from all memory without a very good reason and essentially, missing out on what could have been with various family members. If things are escalating with your wife that your children are hearing only negative things about your family and is clouding the perception of them your children have, then action must be taken in some shape or form, in the best interests of your children and their future and the future of when your children are grown up and where that leaves you and your wife and your family.

Staph

Hi OP,
you've been put in a very awkward situation and I think she's making it very difficult for you and your kids to have a relationship with your family. I was wondering if this also extends to you/your kids having relationships with others? Are you 'allowed' to have friends over at the house, attend work functions, parties etc.? Is she trying to isolate you altogether or just from your family?
I think counseling would be the best option for addressing this matter and I wish you all the best.

Maura74

This is an age old problems with in-laws and you are not alone. Google it and you will see the extent of the problem. I know someone personally that is going through the same thing with in-laws but for different reasons to yours ie wife and her sister will not let go of her mothers apron strings.

Their children get caught up in it, no matter how you try and protect them, they sense when things are happening within their family unit.

After reading your post I think you wife is jealous and also feel threaten as you got that extra family support which is something that she not available for her and that make her feel vulnerable.

Your wife behaviour ie how she speaks to you maybe caused by her inheriting some of her family's traits.

Big Bag of Chips

Neyite wrote: »

How hurt would she be if a daughter in law thought she was a loser and discourages her son and grandchildren from visiting her in her later years?

This is a good point, which might make her think, OP. Although she will probably view it differently.

I'd also be worried that future in-laws (your children's wives/husbands etc) will equally be shunned by her. To the point where she will end up pushing her own children away.

You've come looking for advice, but to be honest it doesn't sound like there's an awful lot you can do, or are prepared to do, about her. She has a problem with family. You can't change that. She needs to be the one who decides it's a problem that she needs to address. But that won't happen, because she doesn't see any problem. She doesn't want to have any contact with them - so she doesn't have contact with them. No problem.

The only realistic option available to you is to have your relationship with your family completely separate to your wife. She doesn't want a relationship. You do. So conduct that relationship away from her. You say you don't want to issue a "change or else" ultimatum. She's not going to change of her own accord, because she doesn't see any need to have them in her life. So whatever you want to do is completely down to you.

It would be lovely if you were all one big happy family. But that's not going to happen. But you also need to realise that you don't need to be one big happy family for you to maintain a relationship with your side.